narcissistic sociopath as the ultimate liarNarcissistic sociopaths (like the boy in my story) are most concerned with how they are perceived by EVERYONE. Narcissists must SEEM perfect, impenetrable, impervious to pain, emotionless, and unaffected. To them, SEEMING this way makes others want to be them. How do they perfect this illusion? Through lying. But even their lies aren’t categorized as lies in the delusional minds of a sociopath. Their lies are “their truth.” They succeed in twisting the reality of a situation with a barrage of twisted information (mixed with a hint of truth to make it seem believable).


The boy had zero successful intimate relationships. His marriage failed; his many engagements failed; any attempts at having children failed. Why did all of these things fail? Well, if you were to ask the boy, nothing failed. It’s how he wanted it. It worked out just as he hoped. After all, if he admitted to failure, he was exposing HIS weaknesses. He doesn’t want anyone to think he has weaknesses. He’d be admitting to being as vulnerable as any ordinary human being. Ordinary? He can’t have that! He’s super-human, remember?!

Failed relationship story #1

Why did his marriage to his cousin only last six months? According to the sociopath, he didn’t want to get married in the first place. It was all his family’s idea. They pushed him to bring her to the United States on a fiancée visa. He “fell out of love” with her as soon as she moved in before the marriage. He waited until the 6 month visa was nearly expired before saying his vows. And only did it, as he says, to “save” her from the poor conditions of her home country. He didn’t even have sex on his wedding night. He didn’t even pay for the wedding license. His mom foot the bill for everything. He just went along with everything everyone else wanted, because he cared so much about “not hurting her.” (Yeah, right!!!)

Why do I not believe a single word of his wedding story? Because the boy never did anything anyone asked or wanted him to do unless it was his idea. He passed along his version of the story of his marriage to SEEM like he sacrificed a part of himself to save his cousin. He painted a picture of a person with a heart and a person who would “take one for the team!” (The “team” being his twisted family.) He wanted me to think he was capable of thinking of another before thinking of himself. (But I know now that he married her because, as I have written, these types can’t stand to be alone!)

Failed relationship story #2

Why did his relationship with his fiancée end before a wedding? According to the sociopath, he never proposed to her in the first place. He just went along (again!) with what the woman in his life wanted. He wanted her to stop nagging him. If she thought he wanted to marry her, it would end the nagging and crying because, according to the boy, she was at that I-need-to-be-married-before-I’m-30 stage of panic. He “allowed” her to move in with him. (He never asked her. She just showed up with her stuff one day.) He “allowed” her to have a ring. He “allowed” her to think he wanted to marry her. His words. His controlling language which I missed initially. (Shame on me!) He claims he never got down on bended knee to propose. She must have misinterpreted things as a proposal when he took her to a jeweler and asked the jeweler to design a ring. (Silly girl!! How could ANYONE EVER misinterpret a trip to the jewelry store as a proposal!!???)

Uninvited by him to live with him and wearing an engagement ring that really wasn’t an engagement ring, his fiancée was seriously delusional, according to the boy. It was her own fault she didn’t comply with his needs and got depressed and became unattractive to him and caused the relationship to end. He claims the relationship was over months before he ever kicked her out. She just didn’t choose to believe it was over. And he cared too much about “not hurting her” to kick her out too soon.

The reality is, he didn’t want to hurt himself. He didn’t kick her out until he was certain she wouldn’t take her dog (a dog he became attached because dogs are easily controlled) or sue him for all the money she had already invested in pre-wedding preparation. (Because he’s just a con man, in relationships and business.)


These are just a couple of the many tales the boy told to twist the truth and divert all blame away from him and onto “them.” According to the sociopath, he helped those women understand themselves and their flaws. He liked pointing out their mental flaws and weaknesses. As he liked claiming, they were in the dark about themselves before they met him and experienced his honest approach to relationships. He helped THEM understand their dysfunction because he “cared so much!” (After all, he is so incredibly healthy, don’t you know, and only a healthy person can point out another’s dysfunctions.)

But the only dysfunctional person is him. He’s fooling himself. Narcissists fool themselves (and their counselors). They play sick jokes on themselves everyday. It’s sad. The one statement he got right is that those women (including myself) ARE happier because of him, but not because of the reasons his delusional mind believes. We are happier because we experienced what a shit person is like and now know how to avoid them. We have moved on to healthy and fulfilling relationships with real men, real people, people with normal and healthy minds.

But he’ll NEVER understand that, because his mind isn’t normal or complete. His mind is a ball of dysfunction and chaos and blame, blame, blame. It’s always someone else’s fault. (He always cared too much. She always let him down.)

His dark and twisted heart will keep him moving forward to the next victim who will soon become another person he blames and shames. The new relationship will start out like a fairytale (like they ALL did) but end in a black cloud of abuse, control, and deception. The cycle never ends for these types. It never ends. No one can save them from it, not even themselves.

Category:
abuse, Child abuse, Children, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Friends, Health, Journaling, Kids, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD, Peace, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality, Writing
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Join the conversation! 32 Comments

  1. Living with one.
    Every goddamn thing is someone else’s fault, every one of his behaviors he explains as caused by someone else, lies perpetually, and had used me several times. After he assaulted me I just ignored anything he said, and he even took *that* as me being aggressive! Attacked me and my parents *again*. Started a fight with me that I had to leave the house to get away from him, he called my mother to tell her *I* started it. Not long before that I learned to turn on a recorder before anything for my own safety, and as a reminder that this just keeps happening…. I even hear him repeating his bullshit to himself all the time when he thinks no one can hear him, that or calling me names and putting me down when he thinks I’m asleep ( I’m now a nervous wreck at night)

    And he’s my goddamn brother ._.

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    • KTS, I am so sorry. I hope you can find the strength to hang in there until you can move or he’s forced to move. It would be better if it seemed like his decision…like he was “winning” by leaving or you leaving.

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  2. god god god how did i fall for him. I just got out of such a relationship and have been bewildered at him playing victim and making me out to be the witch when i suffered so much at his hands…why cant he leave it at we just had some issues we couldnt work out? why does he have to make me look awful in front of common friends? i dont get it. and the horrible part is ppl are believing him…there are some things they dont believe but you know “he is such a nice guy” how could he have done anything that would make her leave. The sad part is i didnt even leave he kicked me out when i didnt serve him anymore when i started standing up for myself and made a life separate from his. for some odd reason he could not tolerate that i could be happy without spending time with him, he could not tolerate that i would not accept his manipulation his trying to belittle me and instead stood up for myself so he kicked me out and wouldnt come for me even when he found out i was pregnant with his baby. finally i suffered a miscarriage and it was the end of that. while we were married he isolated me from my family and friends made me feel guilty for wanting to pursue my dream of higher education until i dropped the idea cuz i was so afraid of losing him and even when i made that sacrifice he could not treat me right.

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    • Oh my God, zeyra! U r like telling my own story. I wish we can find a group support asap! I feel so lost after I sent him to jail for making me a slapbag with a strength of a punch. He’s been manhandling me over 3 times within our 9 year marriage. He retaliates bc I slapped him for lying to me and for telling me that I am still in his life bc I have to pay for my mistakes and the only thing I’d be a ble to completely repay him is when I die. I sent him to jail for 66hrs plus some bail. I filed a case against him and child custody will be nxk week, I traded my family for him, so I dont have any family to go to ryt now but my cousin helpd me find a place to stay while im waiting for a job call back to support myself. He said he’d prove to my family that I lie to get what I want. I felt so unfair and betrayed bc I have been studying him, he likes to twist my truth to a lie. I am on my own now. I left my two children with him while I start from scratch to save up for a house so I can gather my children and embrace each other without his manipulative behavior. I also found out that he has passive aggressive and a progressing ego mania behavior. I didn’t understand why I used to hear him talk to himself alone or see him talking to himself before until this year. Sigh. I felt like I wasted my life for someone with a behavior like that. I also think that his family knew about it before I met him. May the good Lord guide us all and lead us to the path of his will and protect us. Take care and please keep in touch! Because of this event in my life, I created a page to help others who are also going thru the same. here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Life-Class/749805621751664?ref=hl

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  3. I lived this exact life:( I’m finally free:)

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  4. Reblogged this on safegirl and commented:
    I am reblogging this post, as the comparisons between this and my situation are uncanny. My sociopath also has a string of failed relationships, all through the partner’s faults and through no fault of his own. And now I am the latest in a long line to be lied about, blamed and shamed – if he had his way!

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  5. My ex hasn’t had any successful intimate relationships either. If you ask him it’s because we’re all too selfish. We just can’t see what great and wonderful things he has done. He’ll tell you he made it possible for me to stay home and raise the kids, which is true because he made it impossible for me to work. He leaves off the part about answering my phone and telling the potential employer they had the wrong number, deciding to go into the office the day I had an interview so I had to cancel, or telling me no one wants to hire a writer.

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    • Cropped stories to fit his reality. And the undermining techniques are ugly!! And every company needs good writers. 🙂

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    • Only the half-story makes him look good. The rest of it, or the truth, makes him look bad (which he is) and he cannot have anyone looking at him like he isn’t the perfect human.

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  6. Yes! Once again you nail it! Narcissists are experts at revisionist history- the one in which they always, always appear innocent.

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    • “Revisionist history” is a great way to categorize what it is they do. Even with a crowd of people witnessing the exact same thing, he could revise it to fit his perception leaving everyone scratching their heads. Thank you, Kimberly.

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  7. It is so beautiful to read your words here, Paula. The validation is visceral of seeing and knowing so clearly the real truth of every single lie that never made any sense when he was telling it. I KNOW! I used to be so confused in my mind and heart every day when I would clearly know the truth of something but was somehow supposed to pretend that his lie was the truth. Especially the ones about me being so – so, what??, so horrible, so disabled, so mentally unstable, so in need of his expertise on EVERYTHING – well, his idea of me was this waif who needed to learn from him how to function normally! Unbelievable! Literally, unbelievable. The opposite is the truth.

    Your explanation of how it really works is exactly right! I am grateful beyond words to be on the other side of this and AM a better person as you said because I will NEVER participate in this distortion of reality again. Right now I’m very very much alone, but as I realign into this very new space of dignity, honor, respect and honesty of my real self I know that my life will be filled with joy again. Thank you for being here providing this lifeline of reality that may grow and grow into a life that has real love in it.

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    • Thank you, Linda. You have a poet’s heart. We all must go through the “alone” stage in order to really know ourselves. It will be worth it for you. 🙂

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    • Oh boy, I hope you have some idea of how much your comment here helps! Wow, I’m so grateful to be able to live this truth now. Thank you.

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  8. another excellent post!
    Paula you said: It’s their perception that’s the root of the lie. They don’t care if you believe the lie, but they certainly don’t want you to know the truth.

    Everything is about and from their perception, period, truth has nothing to do with reality in their visions. That’s how they con others, cause they can fall back on it and make their view-points the primary ones and the others’ as faulty. That is what I’ve experience with my socio-pathic-narcissist sister…and can she con people, not once but over and over and over again, because she is so sweet and charming, to get her way, but once she is crossed, she goes for the kill!

    To new friends, that she can use, she will lie, cry, point the blame on others, (see how they treat me kind of thing) and get the the new friend to do whatever she wants. then when she has this ‘friend’ she starts to let the sweetness melt and the insanity comes out and she is hell. A recent unsolisited comment came to us that this sister of mine, ‘scares the hell out of me’. Yep another ‘friend’ got caught in the web of lies, sweetness, and con-jobs!

    Bottom line is to keep learning how the behavior manifests, and when you see it, get far away from it, for they will never change.

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    • Absolutely, Gert. They will never change. They are scary, frightening, and truly not living in the same reality as others. If anyone is interested in parallel universes, seek out a sociopath first. You’ll soon get a dose of it and wish you’d never been exposed. The fiction they weave would be humorous if it weren’t so damaging to the innocent others.

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  9. Learned so much from your writing. Have a wonderful Sunday

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  10. Everything you wrote here is so unbelievably true. I especially like this…

    “We are happier because we experienced what a shit person is like and now know how to avoid them. We have moved on to healthy and fulfilling relationships with real men, real people, people with normal and healthy minds.”

    You always have such perfect words!

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    • Thank you! We are truly better off having lived through it. I appreciate good people a heck of a lot more than I once did. I took for granted that there was good in everyone. I know now that I was fooling myself. 🙂

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  11. This is really interesting, as your posts always are! It really makes me wonder and gets me thinking about people who have (in the past) been in my life. Maybe we’ll talk further sometime about it or you’ll figure out what I’m saying based upon my book.

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  12. I agree with almost every point you have made, except this one: “narcissistic sociopaths are most concerned with how they are perceived”. The truth is, narcissists DON’T care what people think of them — that’s the whole point of their self-love. They, their truths, and their choices are all that matter. While the sociopath in him/her likes to shame and blame the partner, it’s for his/her own pleasure that he causes such suffering to others because — in the end — anyone who doesn’t support him/her is useless… And useless people are eventually disposed of.

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    • The narcissist doesn’t love himself, that’s the irony of this personality disorder label. They care what others think because that’s how they deceive others. It’s their perception that’s the root of the lie. They don’t care if you believe the lie, but they certainly don’t want you to know the truth.

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    • I can read myself between the lines, Anonymous! Sigh

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  13. you’re so right, they are liars and they believe their own lies.

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