This post was influenced and inspired by a new blog written by someone not-so-new to being victimized by sociopaths. (Yes, that’s plural. She has had the unfortunate experience of having been close to two of these evil creatures.)

The blogger for My Sociopath~Struck by a Sociopath recently posted her own list of sociopathic character traits. The following struck me immediately, and I would be remiss not to write about my personal experience relating to this trait she lists at the #2 spot:

Difficulty Living Alone:  Sociopaths usually live with a stronger and more capable person that handles most of the responsibility (financial and other).  This could be a person that makes more money, has health insurance (will want to marry), and does majority of household business matters (dealing with day-to-day running, cooking, cleaning, child/pet care etc…)

a.  Sociopaths will make it seem the opposite: They are doing most of the household work and making a bigger financial contribution.

b.  This trait will diminish as a Sociopath gets older.  Older Sociopaths have fewer people to choose from that can be manipulated into a living situation.

The Boy (the narcissistic sociopath from my story) definitely had difficulty living alone. He seemed to exude independence on first meeting. But as I got to know him (as much as a person can KNOW a sociopath) I began questioning just how independent he really was.

His home’s basement consists of a laundry room, a locked storage room, and a two-bedroom apartment. He relies heavily on the apartment being rented at all times, asking more than the place is worth in my opinion. (I only knew the place to be vacant two months over the course of the three years I was unfortunately associated with him.) The laundry room had a schedule for use. If I can remember correctly, I could use it Sunday through Wednesday. The tenants could use it Thursday through Saturday. I thought this was ridiculous and mentioned that grown adults can work out a better system and have it always open for use. He and his mother (or I should say he and his enabler) thought my proposal was absurd, and so the rigid, controlling laundry schedule continued and probably still continues. (FREAKS!) The locked storage room never came open unless he needed to tuck away his taxes for his inherited business. I snuck in once. Nothing of value to anyone other than him. So why the lock? More control, I suppose.

To house his retired mother, he ILLEGALLY WITHOUT A PROPER PERMIT built a detached two-car garage complete with a one-bedroom mother-in-law apartment in which his mother lives when it’s not summer in South America. (I might add that his father resides there on occasion, but the old man preferred being away from the United States and his wife, it seemed, and was rarely there.) I initially thought the boy was a great son for building such a nice place. Soon I realized it was more for his benefit than his parent’s. It was all for money and control. What a good son, huh?

Now on to his choice of intimate partners who lived with him…

His wife/cousin (ex-wife/ex-cousin by the time I met him) served him: cooked, cleaned, kept quiet, and let him live his bachelor life (translated “never asked why he was never home and instead out having multiple affairs”). Before his marriage was final, he sold the condo he shared with his wife (giving her absolutely NOTHING except a plane ticket back to see her family in South America; he needed her gone) and bought the house detailed above and moved in his next victim, who had a great job and growing career. (According to him, however, the mistress and soon-to-be finacee  moved herself in, continued paying her half of the rent for an apartment she shared with a girlfriend, and for some reason, paid him each month for the pleasure of living with him. I found this suspect and still do. I think he asked her to move in and told her he’d help support her with her living expenses. Instead, he just took her money any chance he got.) And on top of that, he was able to convince this VERY smart woman to buy a condo (so they could rent it to make money) with the mortgage in her name only but with the title in both of their names. Of course, when he kicked her out of his house and ended the engagement, he also refused to help her with the cost of the mortgage for the condo when it was vacant. After all, he wasn’t legally bound to help her pay the mortgage, was he? What a gem of a man, huh?

And then there was me. I refused to move in with him, which was a constant source of his fury and rages with me. Keep in mind I was separated from my husband, not yet divorced, and with a young son who was in school 20 miles from the boy’s home. I rented an apartment close to my son’s school/daycare and his father’s home. I wasn’t even tempted to move in with the boy at that point. (In the D.C. area, driving 20 miles can take over an hour most days. I wanted to be able to come to my son’s aid at the drop of a hat within minutes, not hours. The boy despised that I put my son first, before him.)

As you can imagine, this living situation did not bode well with this controlling, narcissistic sociopath. According to him, I was cheating and sleeping with my estranged husband every night I had my son and slept in my apartment. According to the boy, I spent all of my time flirting with single men in my building. If I didn’t pick up my phone when he called or didn’t reply to his texts immediately, I was cheating. I was a big cheat and had numerous men coming and going from my apartment on any given day. Hell, I got so used to being called a whore, that the word whore became no more gut-wrenching than hearing him call me “Pumpkin,” which I effing hated and told him every time he called me that. But he continued. Zero respect.

So, yeah, he can’t live alone because he needs someone to control and manipulate on a daily basis. And he will find a way through technology if he can’t have you under foot. He’s an ugly, scary creature who wants to take your identity, crush it into tiny pieces, and scatter it about in hopes you will never be able to put yourself back together again. Because, if you can’t put yourself back together again, he can control you for all eternity. (You think that’s being too dramatic? Well, thank goodness you have never had to deal with the boy or another creature like him.)

Peace. ~Paula

Category:
abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Friends, Journaling, Love, Mental Health, Narcissist, Psychopaths, Relationships, Sociopaths, Washington D.C., Writing
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Join the conversation! 39 Comments

  1. […] WILL fail. Why? Because he hates being alone. He hates being who he is because he doesn’t even know who he is outside of what he has: a […]

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  2. I have recently been abandoned by my 2 year fiance which now so perfectly fits the sociopath profile. I was taking care of all household responsibilities, buying groceries, cooking, cleaning the house etc he was NEVER paying for when we would go out somewhere, and WHile at first he was paying 50% of the rent and bills, 3 months after settling down (and after having proposed to me at xmas with my parents and sister in front!) he started to delay payments until eventually he said he couldn’t afford to pay anymore. He had this constant pity story about how the world is against him and was easily angered when people seemed well off (both financially and happy in life). To note , this person was a 43yr old, 6ft handsome looking, consultant surgeon!!!! He was always in debt and in trouble with the law for owing money and could not keep a steady job for more than 6 months because he would always end up fighting with his fellow collegue or boss for not treating him well and not recognising his super human medical abilities….I never expected him to support me, i work at a steady job for 15 years now, but i at least expected him to carry his load. He moved out suddenly two days after we had a fight (our first real big one in two yearS) when he said he needed large amounts of money (thousands of dollars) to start a new practice since the current one wasn’t going as he expected.
    When i refused (apart from the fact I dont print money) he got furious, said I was unsupportive and cruel and he cannot be the rest of his life with someone as horrible as me. I was not the woman he thought I was (he said). I would like to add that all this happened while i was preparing our wedding!!!! He even asked if my mother had her will made (obviously to see if he has time to be included…) He started this soon after my 40th bday, obviously thinking i would easily manipulated since I did want to get married and was looking to settling down….He emptied the house so fast I still dont know what hit me. What I do know is that even though it hurts like hell ( I had bought the story I was the one) I feel somewhat serene and confident that one day i will manage to resurface all the qualities he took away (having a mind of my own, not being afraid to speak my opionion, re establish lost friends etc) ANd by the way he also had this sociopath mother that he took care of so deeply , that at first I was touched , but then realised they might ‘work’ together to scheme unsuspecting woman. THere relationship was so off and a bit uncomfortable I would say, I always felt like the ‘third’ person in their company….. Great to find so many similar stories, in the sense that we should be aware that people are not always what they seem….cliche but unfortunately so true…..

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  3. […] of thinking of another before thinking of himself. (But I know now that he married her because, as I have written, these types can’t stand to be […]

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  4. I am so glad I found you all. Just last week my sociopath (I have nicknamed him the chameleon) left me because I started to say no to him, and question some of his actions and thoughts. I call him the chameleon because he changes to be exactly what the enable needs. I just found out that he posed as a gay man for his current roommate, who is a gay man that he lived with prior to me. We had a very active sex life, so now I am sick thinking he was faking it! He almost left me last march so I overdosed and nearly died. When I got out of suicide watch he was back and quit drinking with me. we stayed sober for 4 months! He subtly hinted at moving to the country until I finally did it in June, now I am back in the city and trying to sell that house. He does not care at all what he has put me and my family through in the 10 month we were living together. also, this man was 26 and I am 47 and own a business. He also stands out in a crowd as he has a tattoo on half of his face.

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    • Holy mess! How are you? Are you suicidal now? I’m guessing you are not because you’ve come to terms with the fact it is not you, it’s him, right? I apologize for not responding sooner. I have been away this weekend visiting family.

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    • Do you live in the US?

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  5. Hi Paula… you are so right… this IS such a good point about sociopaths that. Isn’t usually on the “list”. It’s there but mostly in the “what type of woman is a sociopath attracted to” rather than being a trait of one. I see this need to always have someone there who is stronger and rescuing the guy in most sociopath relationships – so much so that when they break up, there is someone new to date right away. And if it ain’t a new GF, then it’s back to Mama…perhaps the source of the damage that caused the psychopathology to begin with. Very interesting…
    Oh…and goodness, you’re also so right about the time it takes to commute 20 miles in the metro DC area 😉

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    • yes, Back to momma who doesn’t know how to fulfill his needs, either. She just sits in agreement that his ex was crazy, further enabling his condition. Thank you for your comment, Natalia.

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  6. Well here it is, the comment section! Again, it’s my fault, not yours! Ha! I LOVE being alone! I think what some might find uncomfortable about being alone when you are used to the 24/7 manipulation and bullying is actually the calmness. Your defenses are still up and there is no one to defend against. He’s not there ordering you around. The emotions have no place in a peaceful and calm atmosphere. This is where I think meditation and yoga and other nurturing activities can help tremendously. Oddly, I never feel alone and have never missed him when he is gone. I also have my art. Interesting post Paula, you’re awesome.

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    • You are so right about the uncomfortable feeling once alone. I didn’t get it when I left, more so when I got the order of protection and the no contact due to all the texts and emails. I would sit around feeling as if I was missing a part of me, or forgetting something. I am glad it is no longer a part of me and so sad it became so at all.

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    • The only part of you that was missing was the part that remembered the real you. The sadness fades because your life is only going to keep getting better and more fun to live.

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    • Art, I’m discovering, is VERY important with the recovery process. So many women out her writing poetry, photographing beauty, painting, drawing, and simply writing their blogs! It’s an amazing gift we give ourselves, the chance to be creative and to express our deepest emotions and fears. Yoga has really saved me and changed my entire way of thinking about me and the world around me. I’m so glad you like what I am sharing. Thank you.

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    • I know Paula, it is such a slow process though. The divorce is dragging on (due to his need to control it) which doesn’t help. The sad days are growing fewer and farther. It has been helpful to find any people online who get it since many around me don’t…you know, that old chestnut!

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    • So true. The Universe is providing me with a flood of women going through the same thing all in various stages of awareness and recovery. You may see if there is a meetups.com group in your area called Women In Transition. I joined not knowing what to expect and found several artists and most who have been in abusive relationships with Narcissists! I felt an immediate sisterhood with all of them unlike any group of women I have ever known. I had only been to 2 meetings and they threw me a birthday party last week, it was a blast and very genuine. I hope I know them all the rest of my life. Good luck, online is awesome as well!

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  7. I pressed “liked” and it displayed a weird avatar guy. sorry. still haven’t figured all this out. Thank you Paula for being my inspiration and for mentioning me and my blog here. I know I just started trying to put this “evil” in words and still trying to find a “voice” in my writing that people can connect to (this is such a weird sickness to put in words) but you are leading the way for me. You are an amazing source for readers and for people like me that’s just starting to untangle the mess. Thank you Paula!

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    • Thank you! Who knew technology could lead to healing like it has for som many women who have never even met?

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    • Yes! I think about all the woman many years who went through this and they had absolutely NO outlet…couldn’t see a psychologist back then or you would be the “crazy” one and psychologist still to this day don’t understand psychopaths/sociopaths let alone back 50 years ago…
      These woman couldn’t talk to a friend about it because again, the friend would think it was “crazy” talk…

      NO INTERNET to do research…Oh god, these poor women! I wonder how many killed themselves!

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    • Or were locked up in institutions and given lobotomies!

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  8. I had many of the same issues with my soon-to-be- ex husband. He had locks on a few doors, he always accused me of cheating, I got called a whore all the time too…drug addicted no less, still not sure where that came from. Maybe projection? I have no idea because I rarely saw what was behind those locked doors, what he had mailed to him and what he would injest before I got home from work. I do know I found pills hidden once but he said they were supplements. I didn’t believe him, but at that point I stopped caring anyway. They are truely disturbed. Glad I found your blog! There is a growing network of folks like us, we need all the help we can get!

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    • I am glad you found me, too. My X had no drug issues but did consume a shit load of coca cola and processed snack cakes. Haha! I think that’s telling of his inability to evolve his palette beyond childhood. He’d insist on going to nice restaurants but never tried anything new. It was always the same crap or a special sandwich without the stuff that the chef used to make it special. What they consume is quite revealing, I think. I’m glad he’s your soon-to-be X. 🙂

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  9. not dramatic at all, you keep writing about my father..i think it needs to be said this strongly! people need to know this form of abuse is just as brutal as any other form!

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    • Yes it is! (I wish there were a pill to cure them, though.)

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    • me too! i would buy a bottle and lace his drink with it! lol

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    • yes, that is what is so hard about his sickness, knowing that he will NEVER get better and he will just keep rollen’ on down the road doing “it” again and again, over and over, to woman after woman, and there is no way to stop it. I know he is gone now, but I feel that my sense of power is gone too (even though I’m trying to regain some) because this is something that CANNOT be controlled and will just keep striking the unsuspecting.

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    • it is really hard work to take back our power, as we have been brainwashed to believe that we don’t have any! keep working it is worth it!! xo

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    • Hi! I just found my “notification” setting and just found your comment. Thank you for your support. You are right…getting back the “power” is a daily struggle. Not knowing my own personal power, is what got me into this mess to begin with: /
      xxxooo

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    • it’s difficult if our power was taken away young. my father is one, so i am fighting hard now in my 40’s to learn a lot of things i should have learned as a kid, like to think for myself, what healthy boundaries look like,and how to set them…on and on it goes..i am so sorry you have gone through this. xo

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    • thank you. I am the same…40’s and just starting to understand healthy boundaries. yes, my upbringing was just chaos and I never learned to seek out “nice, normal” relationships. I think that I got so completely devastated by this sociopath that I’ve learned all possible “bad relationship scenarios” for the rest of my life. xoxo

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    • it makes me sad that you and so many others including myself have had to go through this, it is also sad that there are so many sociopaths…they were most likely abused too. i know my father was

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    • yes you are right! MS told me that his father was severely abusive and plus MS grew up in Turkey (harsh country) more than 50 years ago (he is older than me).

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    • so sad. do you still live with your MS?

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    • heaven’s no: / We started divorcing 1-year ago and it is still dragging out in Family Court. There are no children involved…I left him with 2-properties (one business/one condo), he has 3-homes in Turkey, I walked away from all my Notarized Loans that he owes me if he just left me alone and in peace…

      He is filing frivolous motions to get a $20,000 tiny home from me that I proved in the courts that I paid for with my before marriage-resources…

      The judge gave me possession of the home: He was left with everything else that I walked away from…even the judge couldn’t believe I was walking away from everything but MY $20,000 home…He is living in a nice Condo…

      and he is now filing motions to take my home from me and leave me homeless…

      Free consult attorneys have looked at my case and are in shock that this can go on in the courts…That the judge doesn’t say, “enough is enough.”

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    • Wow that is awful! I’ve seen it before and it always seems the courts err on the side of the abusers…it is really brutal!

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  10. “So, yeah, he can’t live alone because he needs someone to control and manipulate on a daily basis.” True Story! I’m so glad I found your blog. I feel as though I have found someone who gets it. Thank you for turning me on to a new blog as well.

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    • You’re welcome, Angela. 🙂

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    • yes exactly Angela, “someone to control and manipulate on a daily basis,” In the beginning, I thought MS was ADHD because as I referred to it: he always had “to be in someone’s face.” Creepy sick stuff.

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    • And bullying someone on a daily basis (a spouse, usually) not only gives these girly-men a counterfeit feeling of power, but distracts them from looking at themselves. They MUST have a diversion from themselves.

      The courts should exist to maintain fairness and prevent inequity, injustice and the unnecessary impoverishment and fleecing of one party by another. They do not do this job, however. It infuriates me.

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