Trauma Purge and the Surprise of Letting Go

It’s Loving Kindness Wednesday!

I took the attached picture last week in Maui. After snapping the shot, I looked at the image and thought, “That’s not what I thought I was taking a picture of. This looks like a flame shooting up through the waves!!”

It was so unexpected and such a wonderful surprise. A lot like how it feels when we’re moving through transformation and out of trauma and into our greatest potential self. The unexpected happens frequently regardless of the tools we use to release our trapped trauma, emotions and pain. 

A tool I use and recommend others to practice is yoga. But yoga isn’t the gentle kind of release one might think it is. It’s powerful and intense. 

Through movements and holdings of the body simultaneously with the breath, yoga loosens trauma in preparation for the ultimate purge, cleansing and letting go of trauma. 

Loosening too much too quickly is not recommended. Otherwise, you run the risk of re-traumatizing yourself and creating an even thicker block of compacted and congested emotional and spiritual “gunk”. 

Preferably, begin or reintroduce yoga by easing into a practice of yin or guided meditation. These types of tools are slower and more focused, allowing for a gentle emergence of accumulated trauma, stress and anxiety. Connected to this accumulation of gunk are your fears partnered with all the self-sabotaging tools the gunk set as your default whenever faced with relationship challenges. So as the gunk surfaces, expect to be swiftly and unexpectedly overcome with even more intense sensations of the following: self-doubt, self-judgment, shame, remorse, regret, lack of self-respect, etc. 

Fortunately and with more practice, instead of cycling through the loop of these destructive emotions, you will recognize and be aware of them. When you are aware of them, they have no power or control over your actions, behaviors and/or treatment of others. When you’re aware of them, you accept them for the tricksters that they are and simultaneously let them go.

The letting go process may happen unexpectedly. You’ll know when it’s happening. No need for me to spoil the surprise.

Paula Carrasquillo, yoga teacher and health coach

The 5 things to expect of yourself while detaching from outcomes

It’s Loving Kindness Wednesday!

You are unique. Your needs and desires are individual. Your path and direction will never align step-by-step with the path and direction of others. Nor will it align perfectly with any rigid plans or expectations you assign yourself or the “counsel” others may attempt to impose upon you.

It’s impossible to predict or know exactly who you will encounter or what hidden gems you may find along your path. But if you set out on your journey with a fixed agenda with no wiggle room, you run the risk of missing or dismissing what could potentially be the very person or experience you desire and can lead you to more amazing people and experiences.

To pack for your journey, all you need is yourself. Keep your heart and mind open to possibilities and not closed because of past conditioning or experiences. We all make missteps and find ourselves in less-than-desirable positions. But that doesn’t mean we have to surrender to the misstep or remain miserable in the aftermath of a crappy situation.

Surrendering to the bad only perpetuates more bad. Why would you want to create more of that in your life? You wouldn’t, so stop!!

You have the power inside of you to manifest and experience everything you seek: love, joy, peace, happiness, and freedom. Tapping into that power is as simple as meditating on your divine being and acknowledging that you are not just your body or your mind but an infinite, expansive and explosive ball of energy and light…you are the sun.

Once you accept this, your journey into your highest potential will begin. Although remaining detached from outcomes is vital to the momentum and forward movement of your journey, there are a few things you must expect of yourself:

1. Be honest with yourself and others while being true to your gut and intuition. 

2. Act and think with integrity. From moment to moment, we are a representation of our thoughts and actions. Our thoughts and actions determine if we choose self-doubt or self-confidence. If the self-doubt creeps in, send yourself loving kindness and ask a close friend to send you some too.

3. Don’t expect others to care about your journey; they have their own sh*t to worry about. Being in-tune with yourself is hard enough; expecting others to be in-tune with your every heartbeat and breath is unrealistic. Embrace the nuggets of connection that do happen but don’t get discouraged when you recognize a disconnect even when it happens between you and someone whom you thought knew you so well. C’est la vie! 

4. Mourn your losses and celebrate your victories but don’t wallow in defeat or get caught up in the trappings of your ego. Otherwise, you may miss the next opportunity!

5. Above all, never ever make a decision just to please others or to save them discomfort. More often than not, these types of decisions result in your displeasure and discomfort, which eventually leads to displeasure and discomfort for all. Just because you admire a person, doesn’t mean the steps that person took to get to where she is today are the exact steps you should take. Your gut speaks loudly and never lies; listen to it above all else. If advice from a friend doesn’t fit with your spirit, don’t be afraid to decline the advice. A true friend admires and honors you especially when you’re acting from a place of awareness and connection to spirit.

Namaste,

Paula Carrasquillo

#lovelifeom #lovingkindness #mauisunset #marriott #lovetravels 

When your mind and body scream, “Cut the cord!”

A moment arrives in your recovery when you no longer feel anger and contempt for the sociopath and instead feel sadness and remorse for being so angry. This change in mindset may cause confusion and has the potential to lead you into a dark and moody space of guilt and shame. But this shift is a healthy shift. This shift indicates the opening of your heart, which was closed thanks to the toxic relationship dynamics.

When this shift occurs, you may experience a sudden release of emotions, a sudden sadness and onset of tears. You may even become overwhelmed with the desire to reach out and apologize to the sociopath. This is normal. Don’t act on the urge, however, because apologizing directly to the sociopath will simply result in getting sucked back into the sociopath’s twisted field of influence. Instead, release yourself from the guilt and shame completely by cutting the energetic cord which kept you emotionally and spiritually attached to the sociopath and blocked your ability to move forward toward peace.

Once the cord is finally cut, the grieving process ends, and your mind and body are finally unburdened. Your heart and head are finally in sync, and the anger is buried and absent forever. 

This is not a state of weakness. This is a moment of strength, a state of awakening. You’ve moved from a place of darkness and into a place of awareness. At first, it may not feel like a breakthrough. At first, it may feel painful and more like suffering. Be assured that the transition into the comfort of an awakened state is swift. A new reality awaits, one in which you’re free from the energy-sucking ruminating that kept you locked in a continuous loop of reliving your toxic relationship history. 

What begins as a sudden and painful release of emotions, settles into a liberated state of being. You’re free. Unburdened. Open to new love, new life, and new beginnings. Don’t fear the tide. Move with it, not against it. Surrender to your heart. It speaks the Truth.

Namaste,
Paula Carrasquillo
yogi. author. advocate.

The Art of Transformation at Any Age

A few months shy of my 40th birthday, I walked into my very first yoga class. I didn’t know what the heck I was doing or what to expect. I rented a mat from the studio and even a towel that day. I kept my investment at a minimum: $20 for a week of unlimited classes. I was skeptical and filled with uncertainties:

“Will I be able to learn and follow along fast enough?”

“Am I going to hurt myself?”

“Will the other folks in the room notice how scared I am?”

“Will this shit REALLY work?”

After 45 minutes of sweating, bending, and twisting my body while simultaneously being forced to watch the spectacle of myself in the mirrors before me, I realized I had just conquered a feat I never imagined conquering. 

I texted my sister (who is also my best friend) immediately after class letting her know that I really liked my first class and planned on going back the next day. She was excited for me and texted me back, “You’re officially a yogini!”

It took awhile for that message to sink in, but by the end of my first week with 6 classes under my belt, I said to myself, “Wow. I’m a yogini!” 

In a few weeks, I celebrate 4 years as a yogi, one who overcame yoga phobia in 90 minutes flat. I never thought I’d have the patience to practice the “art of transformation”. But I did, I do, and I’m so grateful to myself for stepping over that threshold for the first time on October 14, 2011.

If you have a regular practice, here’s to your continued practice. If you’ve never practiced, here’s to your first step toward becoming a yogi too.

It’s never too late. Transformation knows no age limit!

Namaste. 🙂 ~Paula Carrasquillo

Surrender to the flow #change #transformation #death #renewal

The healing we experience is life changing, transformative. It’s impossible to prepare ourselves for what will emerge and how the emergence will manifest.

For me, I know something essential is being thrust forward for me to accept and release when the tears begin to flow in the middle of a yoga or meditation practice. 

In the early days and months of practicing, I tried to hold them back, control them. I thought crying meant I was weak of spirit, and I didn’t want to be anything less than strong. Now, I understand my tears as symbolic of the powerful, natural, and organic process of death and renewal.

Surrender to the flow!

“Crying is one of the highest devotional songs. One who knows crying, knows spiritual practice. If you can cry with a pure heart, nothing else compares to such a prayer. Crying includes all the principles of Yoga.” – Kripalvananda

Pre-order “How To Do No Contact Like a Boss” by Kim Saeed

Pre-order your copy today!!

If you’re thinking about going no contact or are currently struggling to maintain no contact, Kim Saeed’s new book will serve as an invaluable tool for your emotional, physical and spiritual well-being and growth.

Order your copy today!

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Regaining Your Intuition After Sociopath Abuse

20140623-111812.jpgThe sociopath’s goal is to isolate us in two ways: 1.) physically from our support system and 2.) spiritually from our moral code and beliefs.

We can look back and easily recognize how the sociopath physically isolated us. It’s not as easy to understand how we became so detached from our moral code.

Our moral code speaks directly to our intuition. They work in tandem. We establish our truths based on our moral code. Our intuition is designed to apply our inner, moral code to the outside world…to people and situations.

Our Intuition is the gut feeling we get about someone or some situation. One of the reasons we became detached from our moral code which led to getting lost in cognitive dissonance and the sociopath abuse is that we didn’t trust our gut…our intuition.

We told our gut that it was being unfair and unreasonable and too judgmental. We interpreted our inner voice, our intuition, as a negative judge of that person before us–the abuser, the sociopath, the psychopath…whatever term that suits. We denied our intuition and said, “No way, gut, I refuse to believe that any person could possibly be out to hurt and harm me. That’s ludicrous!”

We were wrong about our intuition, weren’t we? And because we were so wrong about our intuition, our moral code became ineffective. We now see that our moral code and intuition were only trying to warn us that not every person is motivated to act from a place of good intentions and love.

We essentially kicked over the red flags and killed our intuition by denying its worth.

Part of healing is to revive our moral code and intuition and nurture this amazing, inner team back to its brilliant self. We must get in touch with who we are, what makes us each individual and unique, and what also makes us compatible with others and allows us to be a part of a union, part of a community.

Even outside of the relationship, we remained isolated and distant from the very people who could guide us back to our spiritual and moral core. We told ourselves, “They will never understand. I can’t possibly get them to understand.”

And, in the beginning, we can’t explain it because we are deep in cognitive dissonance and detached from our core beliefs and spirituality.

That spiritual and moral core rests inside our intuition. So we must learn to have faith in that very thing we rejected. It was through that rejection that we left the door open to the abuse and manipulations in the first place.

How do you get back to that place of trusting your gut?

The first step is to forgive yourself for ignoring your gut. Then praise your gut for being so smart and apologize to your gut for being stubborn.

“I was really stupid to ignore you, Intuition. I vow to listen to you in the future. You’re so damn smart!”

The next step is to recognize what your gut tells you about people and situations moving forward.

In the beginning, you’re going to strike out more than you’ll hit home runs. Your gut is rusty! So, at first, you might pick the wrong people to trust or the wrong group to join or the wrong job to replace the one you lost.

It’s okay. It takes a while to polish and work our those kinks.

Resist the urge to judge yourself too harshly. The only thing self-judgment results in is self-defeat. You don’t want that.

So keep telling yourself it’s okay to get things wrong at first. Let go of perfect. Let go of the need for instant results. Rest. Be good to yourself. Eat well. Live well. Laugh at yourself.

Laugh a lot at your old self. She/he was a real riot, don’t you think?

Namaste!
~Paula

“Dear” by Patricia Ferland Weltin

“Dear”
by Patricia Ferland Weltin

Dear Heartbreaker
Dear Money Taker
Dear Family Court Faker

I’m still here!

Dear Soul Sucker
Dear Other Woman Fucker
Dear Every Rule Bucker

I’m still here!

Dear Dead Beat Dad
Dear Need the Latest Fad
Dear Think it’s Cool to Be Bad

I’m still here!

Dear Child User
Dear Legal System Abuser
Dear Too Many Women Chooser

I’m still here!

Dear Effortless Liar
Dear Relentless Denier
Dear Crocodile Crier

I’m still here!

Dear Identity Stealer
Dear Mind Game Dealer
Dear Pretend to Be Healer

I’m still here!

Dear Creator of Confusion
Dear Master of Illusion
Dear Reality is Delusion

I’m still here!

Dear Master of Submit
Dear Force Feeder of Shit
Dear A Dozen Ways to Get Lit

I’m still here!

Dear User of Force
Dear Creator of Loss
Dear Raper and Boss

I’m still here
and it’s important you know Dear
YOU can’t make me disappear.

The so-called experts need to pay more attention to victims of sociopath abuse

I love when psychoanalysts contact me to personally warn me that diagnosing people based on criteria is dangerous and careless without proper licensing and credentials.

I’d like to respond with a big fat, “No shit, assholes,” but I’m trying to be more controlled and understanding these days.

First, I am not suggesting that anyone diagnose anyone as a sociopath. I encourage everyone to understand how to spot sociopaths by their behavior.

Second, learning to spot the warning signs, in the moment or in hindsight, is not careless or dangerous. It’s mindful and essential to our growing awareness of ourselves and the environments in which we live and work.

Third, if the majority of psychoanalysts were accurately diagnosing victims and survivors and pinpointing the source of our trauma, none of us would be forced to take action on our own through self-study, research, and finding our own solutions to heal in order to determine that the monster responsible for our trauma was someone we once thought loved us.

The so-called experts need to start listening to those of us who have actually experienced what a sociopath is before any real help can be provided to us through psychotherapy.

The so-called experts need to pay attention and consider what we have to say, not attempt to shut us down with shame and blame and finger-pointing. We’re sick of that dismissive attitude. It’s harming and destructive.

This is how I feel today: For over 3 years, I wasted $200/month on psychotherapy! Psychotherapy did absolutely nothing to stop my nightmares or to bring me understanding. Psychotherapy actually hindered my recovery in many ways.

Writing my story and learning from other survivors’ stories guided me to where I am today…among other very important practices.

Namaste!
~Paula

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