FREE Webinar Series: “Journey to the Heart” with love. life. om.

Let’s get this party started!

Yesterday was Loving Kindness Wednesday. I spent the day planning and scheduling love. life. om.’s first FREE webinar series specifically designed for everyone and anyone with the desire to transform their lives and reach their full potential.

Join the conversation and open your heart to new people, new opportunities, and new insights within love. life. om.’s safe and inclusive community.

In this FREE series, we’ll read selected meditations from Melody Beattie’s best-selling book “Journey to the Heart” and spend time sharing and reflecting on her words of wisdom. I’ll also share simple yet powerful mindfulness tools you can integrate into your personal healing journey toolkit.

Don’t miss this opportunity to connect with others who share your desire and passion to finally be free from unnecessary mental, emotional and physical blocks to finding joy and happiness!

Sign up today!

There are four (4) sessions in the series. Sign up for all of them or only the ones that fit your schedule best. I can’t wait for all of us to connect!

Have a beautiful day!
Paula Carrasquillo, MA, RYT-200
yoga teacher and health coach
www.paulacarrasquillo.com 


Paula.Carrasquillo_Marriott_Serenity_PoolWork with me! If you’re interested in learning powerful tools and techniques to transform your body, mind and spirit and open new pathways to healing and reaching your highest potential self, contact me to learn about the programs and services I offer.

FREE Webinar Series: “Journey to the Heart” by Melody Beatty

FREE Book Club Webinar Series: “Journey to the heart” by Melody Beatty

To kickstart the new year, I bought Beatty’s book of daily meditations. Each evening, I read an entry and am always blown away.
Some of you may know her other book, “Codependent No More”. I purchased that book a few years ago, but it didn’t resonate with me the way her book of daily meditations has.

It’s not that I’m in denial that I have a history of being codependent; I think we all can acknowledge we’ve been or continue to be codependent to a degree thanks to our upbringing in a society that makes us believe codependency is normal while simultaneously brainwashing us into believing we’re not codependent and that being codependent is “bad”. For many of us, it was the toxic relationship with a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath that finally opened our eyes to our conditioning and codependent tendencies. 

So no, I’m not in denial. It’s just that I’m the type of person who doesn’t wish to dwell for long on what’s wrong with me, because that generally leads me down a slippery slope of self-blame and self-judgment, which, ironically, sends me deeper into codependency because I end up desperate for external validation from others. Nope. I refuse to get trapped on that merry-go-round ever again.

I know I was codependent in the past and remain codependent to a degree today. I accept it. What I want to know is how do I change my default and learn to be more self-sufficient and self-reliant in relationships and with myself?

Beatty’s daily meditations provide part of answers, I believe, and speak to simple action steps that have the potential to pull us out of our conditioning and into a healthier mindset of joy, freedom, and accountability.

I’d like to invite you to read and share Beatty’s book with me. I’ll be conducting FREE webinars and inviting everyone to join in the conversation.

If you’re interested, please comment below with a day of the week and time that works best for you. I will do my best to accommodate as many of us as I can when scheduling the first FREE live webinar.

During the webinars, I’ll also share other mindfulness tools to help you stay grounded and focused on your inner journey of healing and transformation!

Paula Carrasquillo, MA, RYT-200
yoga teacher and health coach
www.paulacarrasquillo.com 


Paula.Carrasquillo_Marriott_Serenity_PoolWork with me! If you’re interested in learning powerful tools and techniques to transform your body, mind and spirit and open new pathways to healing and reaching your highest potential self, contact me to learn about the programs and services I offer.

Retrain your brain; Breathwork for PTSD relief

It’s Loving Kindness Wednesday!

Last week, the DC metro area was hit by Snowzilla, which brought three feet of snow to some areas in Maryland and Virginia. Schools were cancelled; office buildings were closed. I worked from home while my son played from home. After six days of being cooped up inside juggling the challenges of working on a laptop with no extra monitor, dialing into teleconference calls and entertaining my son’s “boredom”, I was ready to go back to work.

Unfortunately, the roads and parking lots weren’t ready.

Thursday morning (which was six days after the snowfall), I spent 30 minutes circling the lot at work to find a spot. I couldn’t give up and go home, because I was scheduled to teach yoga onsite from noon to 1:00 p.m., and it was too late to track down a substitute. I finally found an “illegal” spot, parked, and hoped for the best. As I was walking from my car to the associate entrance, security called out to me and warned me that the spot in which I parked could result in someone accidentally ramming into the back of my car. By this point, I was already overly stressed and worried. I couldn’t allow the “possibility” that my car was going to get hit worry me more. So I explained to security that I didn’t have a choice and would return in about an hour to find a new spot. An hour later, I came back outside and discovered another much larger car, a van, parked behind mine. I thought, “OK. No one is going to have a problem seeing that car!” So I went back inside and finished out my work day.

Later, I made it home in time to make dinner for my son but had to go back out to teach my Thursday evening meditation class. I left my house 90 minutes before the session was to start thinking that would be plenty of time to travel the 15 miles to Bethesda. Well, at the 70-minute mark, I was in my car at a dead stop on Wisconsin Avenue surrounded by bumper-to-bumper traffic and snow piles higher than a city bus. I felt trapped. I looked at the time, and fear set in. “I’m not going to make it to class before my clients.” More anxiety washed over me, and I sensed panic bubbling beneath the surface. My body started getting warmer and warmer. I took off my coat, turned down the heat and paused. I shifted my mind away from the elements making me feel trapped — the snow, the cars, the time ticking by — and consciously began practicing my grounding techniques. After a few more minutes, I looked to the left of me. Miraculously, among the cars and snow, I saw an empty parking space on the corner of a cross street. I knew if I could maneuver to that spot, I’d be able to walk to my destination and get to class before my students. So I turned my wheel in the direction of the empty spot, switched on my turn signal and traffic parted to let me through. I was so grateful! I parked easily in the space and walked the rest of the way, making it to class 15 minutes before anyone else arrived.

In the not-so-distant past, I wouldn’t have made it to class. I would have remained stuck and trapped in my car, sweating, crying and feeling completely helpless. But through the power of mindful grounding exercises, I’ve been able to re-train my brain to handle stress and triggers healthier and with more positive results.

Trauma brain and the miracles of breathwork*

When in stressful situations, which includes being triggered and reliving past trauma, your sympathetic nervous system is instantly activated — your body constricts and becomes tense, your heart begins to race, your breath becomes labored and you find yourself fighting, taking flight, or freezing. In addition to these outward signs of stress, stress also induces your body to produce cortisol, a naturally occurring hormone that can become toxic at high levels resulting in damage and destruction of cells in your brain’s hippocampus. The hippocampus is responsible for coordination of all brain activity, specifically memory and learning. If your hippocampus is weakened by stress, you run the risk of losing your memory, your skills and your ability to learn new skills. Therefore, reducing and neutralizing stress in your life, especially in the midst of healing from past traumas, helps to normalize cortisol production in your body and bring balance and health to your central nervous system.

Luckily, there is a tool accessible to each of us that naturally has the power to heal us from the inside out…our breath!

Breathwork turns the mindless act of breathing into a mindful one and profoundly reduces and neutralize stress and trauma. Through breathwork, we consciously stimulate our voluntary nervous system by imposing specific rhythms and patterns on our breath while simultaneously reconditioning our involuntary nervous system patterns and neural pathways. In essence, we reset our conditioned responses and re-learn how to respond to stress and trauma from a place of awareness and consciousness. The result is a happier, healthier and more aware you!

One breath technique I learned and practice daily is 4-7-8 breathwork.

4-7-8 Breathwork

Dr. Andrew Weil, 4-7-8 breathing technique advocate and practitioner, believes everyone can benefit from breath work:

“Once you develop this breathing technique by practicing it every day, twice a day, it will be a very useful tool that you will always have with you. Use it whenever anything upsetting happens – before you react. Use it whenever you are aware of internal tension. Use it to help you fall asleep. Use it to deal with food cravings. Great for mild to moderate anxiety, this exercise cannot be recommended too highly. Everyone can benefit from it.”

The Technique

  • Relax your breathing and blow all of the air out through your mouth.
  • 4- Breathe in gently through your nose (with mouth shut) for 4 seconds.
  • 7- Hold the breath for 7 seconds.
  • 8- Push breath out through your mouth for 8 seconds.
  • Repeat 4 times, twice a day, every day. After 1 month, you can repeat 8 times, twice a day but never more than 8 times twice per day.
  • (Watch a demo by Dr. Weil)

Namaste,
Paula Carrasquillo, MA, RYT-200
love. life. om. yoga and health coaching
www.paulacarrasquillo.com

Work with me! There are many other forms of breathwork and exercises you can integrate into your lifestyle to transform your body, mind and spirit and open new pathways to healing and reaching your highest potential self. Contact me to learn more about the programs and services I offer.

*The content of this website is provided for general informational purposes only and is not intended as, nor should it be considered a substitute for, professional medical advice. Do not use the information on this website for diagnosing or treating any medical health condition. If you have or suspect you have a medical health problem, promptly contact your professional healthcare provider.​

Will the sociopath change? Yes…but you will transform!!!

You feel like you’re in a good place; you’ve been making healthy changes in your lifestyle. You may have quit smoking or lost weight or landed a great new job. But doubts about your worth continue to creep into your thoughts. You second-guess yourself and even doubt the sociopath is really a sociopath and that maybe everything that happened was really you’re fault after all. 

These doubts you’re experiencing are normal due to many factors, the least of which is your lack of validation and justice in the aftermath. But justice is coming, and it begins within.

You’re biggest questions seem to be, “What if he/she can change? What if he/she has changed?”

My question for you is, “So what? Sociopaths always change. Why does it matter to you if the sociopath changes? Why not focus on your own changes and transformation?” Besides, profound, core change and transformation consists of phases and actions an individual must take, resulting in relearning, reconditioning and an altertered state of one’s default system. The types of changes a sociopath makes are only surface changes based on the sociopath’s need to appear a certain way in order to gain money, status, sex, and popularity. There’s no self-reflection required and no tapping into or questioning their core values.

Unfortunately, most people think changing habits is indicative of change. It’s not. Sociopaths are master chameleons and can adapt to any environment; it may look like profound change from the outside, but the same mirroring technique and the same self-motivating factors activated and used when the sociopath was with you and adapting to your individuality and environment are the same he/she’s using with his new girlfriend/boyfriend or group of friends he/she’s currently duping into believing he/she’s a good guy.

Once you make the choice to focus on yourself, worrying about the sociopath and what the sociopath is doing or not doing falls away. Obviously, thoughts of him/her are going to creep in. You’ll be tempted to compare your progress and growth to the sociopath’s, and you will even find yourself wondering if he/she would approve of all the remarkable accomplishments you’ve made. There’s nothing wrong with these thoughts. However, they’re indicative that you’re still bonded to the sociopath and dependent upon the sociopath’s approval. I recommend looking into cord cutting techniques and practices. We’re all energy influencing and impacting each other. But once you build your force field and refuse to allow his energy to penetrate your peace of mind, you’ll take yourself to places you never thought possible.

We all possess a light side and a dark side, or more appropriately called our shadow side. You may have been attracted to your sociopath’s bad boy/bad girl persona, because that dark behavior reflected a shadow side of yourself that you had never explored. You were essentially attracted to your shadow self reflecting off the sociopath.

I recommend exploring your shadow side and understand that it is the self-destructive side of our nature that takes over when we allow other people, groups, or situations to control and dictate our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Think of a crowd mentality; people do stupid things due to crowd influences that they wouldn’t do alone. On an individual relationship level between ourselves and a romantic partner, this surrender of our core values happens when we put ourselves in the hands of another who claims he has our best interests at heart. This type of surrender leads to suffering when our partner acts from a place of self-interest and not from a place of love and compassion. We think his/her behaviors come from the same place inside his/her core that we activate when we behave the same. Mirroring is only surface; beneath the surface, their motivation is drastically different and opposed to our motivation.

Below is link to a site that outlines the phases of change leading to transformation. Ignore the fact it focuses on organizational transformation; the curve and details apply at the individual level too (and the book I’m currently writing applies recovery from toxic relationships to this change management approach).

Where do you think you currently fall within this curve?

http://www.changemanagementpro.com/9-stages-of-transformational-change/

Namaste,
Paula Carrasquillo
Advocate and Author

When your mind and body scream, “Cut the cord!”

A moment arrives in your recovery when you no longer feel anger and contempt for the sociopath and instead feel sadness and remorse for being so angry. This change in mindset may cause confusion and has the potential to lead you into a dark and moody space of guilt and shame. But this shift is a healthy shift. This shift indicates the opening of your heart, which was closed thanks to the toxic relationship dynamics.

When this shift occurs, you may experience a sudden release of emotions, a sudden sadness and onset of tears. You may even become overwhelmed with the desire to reach out and apologize to the sociopath. This is normal. Don’t act on the urge, however, because apologizing directly to the sociopath will simply result in getting sucked back into the sociopath’s twisted field of influence. Instead, release yourself from the guilt and shame completely by cutting the energetic cord which kept you emotionally and spiritually attached to the sociopath and blocked your ability to move forward toward peace.

Once the cord is finally cut, the grieving process ends, and your mind and body are finally unburdened. Your heart and head are finally in sync, and the anger is buried and absent forever. 

This is not a state of weakness. This is a moment of strength, a state of awakening. You’ve moved from a place of darkness and into a place of awareness. At first, it may not feel like a breakthrough. At first, it may feel painful and more like suffering. Be assured that the transition into the comfort of an awakened state is swift. A new reality awaits, one in which you’re free from the energy-sucking ruminating that kept you locked in a continuous loop of reliving your toxic relationship history. 

What begins as a sudden and painful release of emotions, settles into a liberated state of being. You’re free. Unburdened. Open to new love, new life, and new beginnings. Don’t fear the tide. Move with it, not against it. Surrender to your heart. It speaks the Truth.

Namaste,
Paula Carrasquillo
yogi. author. advocate.

Rebirth is coming soon! New and improved website and recovery services

You will emerge into the light and discover true peace and joy, and I want to help you on your journey. In the coming weeks, I’ll be launching a completely new website. Essential information will be easier to find, and the posts you’ve come to rely upon will remain. 

Read this week’s newsletter to learn more about new support services designed for your journey toward recovery and transformation.

Read this week’s newsletter now!

Your next stop on The Great Sociopathic Abuse and Recovery Blog Tour!

I was invited by the author of Carnal Abuse by Deceit, Joyce M. Short, to participate in The Great Sociopathic Abuse and Recovery Blog Tour. To participate, I wrote this post in which I answer the following questions Joyce posed:

  1. How does your writing/creative process work?
  2. What are you working on at the moment?
  3. Why do you write or create what you do?
  4. How does your work differ from others in your genre?

1. How does your writing/creative process work?

A desire to write passes over me after I’ve lived through something or an idea lights up my thoughts. When this happens, I’m inspired to release all of the associated emotions, sensations and reflections, so I sit down at my laptop and write, rewrite and write some more. If I can’t figure out exactly how to word a thought or idea, I step away and pick up a book or I practice yoga or meditate. Sometimes it takes a lot of meditation and several iterations before I decide to publish a post/article. Other times, I immediately get it out onto the screen without hesitation or the need to heavily edit. My writing style is organic and flowing. I try not to be too hard on myself or worry about being perfect with each word or sentence. If it feels right, and my thoughts, when read back to myself, feel authentic and 100% honest, I hit the “Publish” button on my dashboard. The fears of being imperfect, which I carried with me for decades, no longer hinder my creative process. Like Yoda says, “Do or do not. There is no try.” Doing keeps my life moving and filled with meaning.

2. What are you working on at the moment?

I am in the middle of writing my 3rd book, “Destined to Heal”.

Who will benefit from this book?

“Destined to Heal” is intended to benefit many, from the victims and survivors to the health care professionals and family members who support the victims and survivors. More specifically, the book will benefit:

>>Everyone who has found themselves lost in the aftermath of abuse and trauma and is desperate to take ownership of their healing and recovery but have no idea where to begin.

>>Everyone who started on their journey but find themselves regressing in thoughts and in need of a more solid foundation of validation, accountability and motivation to move forward.

>>Counselors and healthcare professionals interested in empowering their patients outside of appointments and therapy sessions.

>>Friends and family members of victims and survivors who wish to understand their loved one’s struggles and obstacles to healing.

What is the focus of the book?

The book is designed to be informative, illustrative and minimally didactic. The premise and approach to healing and recovery outlined and illustrated in “Destined to Heal” is heavily modeled from Mezirow’s theory of transformational learning.

The book juxtaposes scientific research with holistic theory and practices, which have proven effective in treating individuals in the aftermath of abuse and trauma.

In addition to citing peer-reviewed research, the book includes interviews with psychotherapists, neurosurgeons, and of course, victims and survivors who have been “there” and done “that”.

How will survivors benefit from the book?

“Destined to Heal” provides easy-to-integrate lifestyle options, tools and practices for survivors interested in designing a recovery plan specific to the needs of their personal and distinct healing journey. A companion workbook will also be available at the time of publication.

When will “Destined to Heal” be published?

“Destined to Heal” will be published only after it’s been properly edited, vetted and reviewed. My hope is to have a final draft available for print by January 2017. It may take longer.

3. Why do you write or create what you do?

The simple answer is that I feel like I have no choice but to write and publish. In the aftermath of my personal abuse and trauma, writing served as an effective and therapeutic healing modality. Simultaneously, a voice inside kept telling me I must share and put myself out there…to be vulnerable and unafraid.

As a result, I became a prolific writer and advocate for health. I also became a certified yoga teacher and integrative nutrition health coach. I write articles on yoga therapy, meditation and nutrition, in addition to the books and articles specifically intended to support victims of domestic violence, rape and fraud. Through my contributions, I hope others will realize they are not alone and that there is hope for true and profound healing and transformation. Since 2012, I’ve self-published two books, Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath and Unashamed Voices, and written hundreds of online articles for various publications, including Communities Digital News, Places to Yoga, elephant journal, LoveFraud.com and my personal blog.

4. How does your work differ from others in the genre?

This is a tough one to answer. I’m not really sure what my genre is. Sef-help? Spirituality? Trauma and recovery? What I do know is that I write from a place of experience and a desire to reach others who may have experienced something similar to what I’ve experienced. I don’t want others to make the same mistakes I made. However, if they don’t find my writing until after they’ve already made some of those mistakes, I want them to step away from what I write and realize they’re not alone, it’s not too late and all failures can be overcome when compassion for oneself is ever-present. It’s the readers’ responsibility to take what speaks to them and apply it to their lives. My focus is bent toward a holistic approach along the path of healing and transformation. I weave yoga, meditation and whole-food nutrition into my writing. If it rubs off on some or further validates what others may already be doing, awesome! I certainly do not see myself as an authority on any particular subject. But if a reader can relate to my story and personality, then that reader will, more than likely, get more from my writing than from a writer with whom they can’t relate, regardless of the other writer’s experience or credentials. It’s the nature of being human. We need to find connections, especially in the healing process. Therefore, my responsibility as a writer is to provide as much fact-based, objective data to the reader as possible, while presenting a subjective story with which they will hopefully relate.

Thank you, Joyce, for inviting me to participate in The Great Sociopathic Abuse and Recovery Blog Tour! 

Blog Tour 5/25/15

Sociopathic Abuse and Recovery

Stop Rape by Fraud

Celebrating Truth in Romance Day, June 15th
http://rapebyfraud.com/2015/05/14/announcing-fess-up-day-june-15th/

Better Not Broken

Waffles and Waze: Why Elvis Remains King and It’s Never Too Late For Change
http://betternotbroken.com/2015/05/11/waffles-and-waze-why-elvis-remains-king-and-its-never-too-late-for-change/

Love-Life-Om

Just say “No!” to sociopath oppression and possession
https://paularenee.wordpress.com/2015/03/23/just-say-no-to-sociopath-oppression-and-possession/

 

Immigration Fraud Canada

It All Started With a Divorce and What I Perceived As True Affection and Love….
https://immigrationfraudcanada.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/it-all-started-with-a-divorce-and-what-i-percieved-as-true-affection-and-love/

http://www.care4bullied.com/blog/

Looking for the light

Tell congress to help New Veterans Keep the Mental Health Medications They Need
http://lookingforthelight.me/2015/05/21/tell-congress-to-help-new-veterans-keep-the-mental-health-medications-they-need/

Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

When he tells you the first time…..
http://letmereach.com/2015/05/25/when-he-tells-you-the-first-time-2/comment-page-1/#comment-68897

Additional blogs of interest:

Psychopaths and Love

Journey of Olivia Rose

Lady with a Truck

Mom’s Heart Unsilenced

Soul Healing Art

Michelle Malon

With sincere thanks,

Paula Carrasquillo
Yogi. Author. Advocate.

Read “Unashamed Voices” and expand the sociopath awareness message

Becoming a yoga teacher and health coach allows me the opportunity to continuously give back the gifts that were given to me through my healing and recovery process. I publish books for the same reason.

Unashamed Voices by Paula CarrasquiloMy second self-published book, Unashamed Voices, is a collection of true stories from across the globe written by survivors of toxic and abusive relationships. The book exposes the unchallenged pathological personalities and behaviors of psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists in our midst.

Readers of my blog submitted their stories to me between May 2013 and October 2013. I know it wasn’t an easy task for them. Sitting down and writing the details of personal trauma is an exhausting and triggering exercise. And then to send them off to a complete stranger?

After I received the stories, I spent over a year reading, absorbing and editing each. And I say “edit” loosely, because I did not want the authentic voice of each survivor to be lost in my voice. I stuck to “correcting” only basic grammar and punctuation errors.

I have deep respect and admiration for each and every survivor who took that leap of faith and trusted me. I am determined to continue honoring them and promoting and improving this book. A traditional publisher WILL take notice. Their choice to hit “send” will not be in vain or limited in scope. This book WILL be available in libraries and institutes and read and studied by students, law enforcement, lawyers, judges, therapists and families affected by these tragedies.

Contribute to the expansion of our message. Download and read your copy today and share it with someone tomorrow.

With sincere thanks,
Paula Carrasquillo
Yogi. Author. Advocate.

©2015 Paula Carrasquillo and Love. Life. Om.

Survivors Continue to Share and Inspire

Love. Life. Om. Survivor Newsletter – Volume 2, Issue 4

Alana (not her real name) submitted her story to me earlier this month through my online submission form. I attempted to respond and thank her, but the email bounced back. So I am sharing her full submission in this newsletter in hopes Alana sees that it’s been shared and contacts me…again…in order to properly thank her.

Also this month, I was contacted by another survivor and author, Holly, who asked me to share her book with everyone. Follow this link to Amazon to download Holly’s book, Escaping Abuse: An Autobiography about Love, Marriage, Abuse, and Perseverance.

Enjoy this issue and pass it along to your network of supporters, survivors and fellow warriors!

Paula Carrasquillo

“There’s something odd about that guy she’s dating.”

“There’s something odd about that guy she’s dating.”

I have many sisters who aren’t afraid to be direct with me. I have a mother who pays attention and asks questions. Despite this, none of them felt comfortable probing me about “that guy” while I was dating him or letting me know how they really felt.

Only after I escaped the sociopath did I learn about the numerous conversation my friends and family members were having amongst themselves about “that guy”. In the aftermath of the relationship, my mother and sisters confessed that his behavior was “odd” and “abnormal”, but they weren’t able to define exactly what it was about him that made them uneasy. This inability to pinpoint a tangible reason to explain their gut feelings discouraged them from voicing their concerns with me directly.

Even if they had approached me, I’m sure I wouldn’t have welcomed their criticisms and questions. I would have become defensive and made excuses and explained away his behavior. I was in both shock and denial while inside the toxic dynamic. I was unwilling to face the humiliation of choosing so poorly, so the more I pushed away the reality of who “that guy” was turning out to be, the less humiliation I felt on a daily basis. I thought I was preserving myself, when I was actually allowing myself to decay from the inside out.

Today, I can pinpoint exactly what it was about “that guy” that made my family’s skin crawl, because it made my skin crawl too, but I just kept denying what I was sensing:

A permeating presence of stagnant, low-vibrational energy, which revealed his 1) lack of authenticity; 2) lack of truth; and 3) lack of original thoughts.

When I think back to these words he screamed at me just before I escaped, “I don’t know why you’re getting so upset now after all this time. You knew from the beginning that this is who I am,” I realize he was right. Even before the name calling, blocking, pushing, grabbing, pinching and down-right dirtiness of his actions and words, the ugliness of the sociopath was always present, hovering like a phantom and lingering at the threshold of the foreground and background. And he never tried to hide it. He actually believed he was as normal and as healthy as the next guy.

1. Lack of authenticity – This was ever-present but especially noticeable to me when we were with others in a group. I immediately picked up on his false gestures of friendship and camaraderie. In the beginning, my body would only slightly react…a tickle in my throat…at the sound of him talking about how happy he was for someone. He wasn’t happy for anyone. Who was he fooling? He only said he was happy because he thought that was what he was supposed to say. He didn’t feel happiness for anyone on any deep level. I sensed this lack of genuine emotions early but was too naive to understand the depth of what it meant about the true nature of “that guy”.

2. Lack of truth – Closely connected to his lack of authenticity, his lack of truth expanded beyond simply lying when recounting stories from his past and present. I never sensed a solid truth in anything he said, chose to eat, buy or acquire. In every relationship, we share and tell our stories with a combination of the words we use and the things we choose to surround ourselves, from the books on our shelves to the pictures we carry in our wallets. When we are in the presence of an honest and truthful person, everything that person says and everything surrounding that person, from their clothes to their friendships to what they eat, makes sense, folds into each other and further solidifies our personal idea of who that person is. With “that guy”, there were too many contradictions flashing before my eyes, making it impossible for me to form a clear picture of who “that guy” was. Unfortunately, because my intuition was not well-primed, these contradictions caused me to feel confused and restless about the emotions and sensations they conjured within me. I fought the contradictions and attempted to explain them away: “Oh, he’s just complicated. He’s just really in touch with his feminine side. He’s just very masculine and that’s why he’s super jealous. He’s just not used to kids. His just needs more time to understand my family.” The excuses were endless and only served to hide the truth about the lack of truth within “that guy”. I couldn’t form a solid image of his persona in my mind, because he wasn’t standing in truth. He was perpetually acting and switching roles depending on his audience and based on what he thought would garner him the most control, reward and attention. I see that now, and it’s twisted.

3. Lack of original thoughts – This was one of his most aggravating qualities. He liked regurgitating the thoughts and ideas of others and claiming them as his own. I considered this the equivalent to stealing, but I honestly didn’t think he actually believed his own delusions until I caught him claiming my thoughts, skills and ideas as his own. Some may call this gas lighting, but I knew the truth and never questioned my truth as he spewed it from his lying mouth. This wasn’t a matter of forgetting whether or not I knew something that he was trying to pass off as his lesson to me. This was a matter of me stopping myself from vomiting all over him due to my uncontrollable disgust at his arrogance, disrespect and lack of integrity. He wasn’t fooling me. But he was. I didn’t speak up and say, “Don’t use my knowledge and my words to establish your false sense of superiority over me.” Instead, I let the anger and disgust fester, while simultaneously trying to convince myself that he didn’t mean any harm. After all, don’t they say imitation is the highest form of flattery? Hmm? I don’t think so either. It’s just thievery and a little creepy.

Looking back, I used to feel ashamed at myself for remaining inside that low vibrational and toxic relationship for so long. Today, I realize my intuition simply wasn’t evolved enough to figure it out calmly and quickly. I reacted from a place of high-sensitivity without understanding why I was reacting from that place. It wasn’t because I was too sensitive or unstable. It was because my sensitivity was right on par. It was “that guy” who was unstable.

Namaste!
~Paula

%d bloggers like this: