Read “Unashamed Voices” and expand the sociopath awareness message

Becoming a yoga teacher and health coach allows me the opportunity to continuously give back the gifts that were given to me through my healing and recovery process. I publish books for the same reason.

Unashamed Voices by Paula CarrasquiloMy second self-published book, Unashamed Voices, is a collection of true stories from across the globe written by survivors of toxic and abusive relationships. The book exposes the unchallenged pathological personalities and behaviors of psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists in our midst.

Readers of my blog submitted their stories to me between May 2013 and October 2013. I know it wasn’t an easy task for them. Sitting down and writing the details of personal trauma is an exhausting and triggering exercise. And then to send them off to a complete stranger?

After I received the stories, I spent over a year reading, absorbing and editing each. And I say “edit” loosely, because I did not want the authentic voice of each survivor to be lost in my voice. I stuck to “correcting” only basic grammar and punctuation errors.

I have deep respect and admiration for each and every survivor who took that leap of faith and trusted me. I am determined to continue honoring them and promoting and improving this book. A traditional publisher WILL take notice. Their choice to hit “send” will not be in vain or limited in scope. This book WILL be available in libraries and institutes and read and studied by students, law enforcement, lawyers, judges, therapists and families affected by these tragedies.

Contribute to the expansion of our message. Download and read your copy today and share it with someone tomorrow.

With sincere thanks,
Paula Carrasquillo
Yogi. Author. Advocate.

©2015 Paula Carrasquillo and Love. Life. Om.

Survivor stories 25, 26, 27 and 28: Zoe, Alice, Beverly and Christina #SeeDV #abuse

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October 25, 2014 – Zoe’s story: “The relationship absorbed me; I was hypnotised by it.”*

October 26, 2014- Alice’s story: Leave abuse; it is not worth the anguish and loss of yourself

October 27, 2014 – Beverly’s story: Lies, manipulation and emotional abuse

October 28, 2014 – Christina’s story: Building up after being broken down by abuse


Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Survivor story 24 – Yvette’s story #seeDV #DVawareness

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Yvette’s story: Regain your perspective; you did not choose the toxic relationship


Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Join me on Friday for CDN’s BlogTalk Radio news hour #Politics #The Cancer of Sexual Violence via @commdiginews

CDN BlogTalk Radio Show beginning at 6:30 p.m., Friday, August 8

Politics and The Cancer of Sexual Violence

Join in the discussion tomorrow night beginning at 6:30 p.m. EST. I’ll be leading a conversation about violence against women and the Ravens’ decision to keep Ray Rice. I’ll be joined by Jerome Elam, an internationally recognized advocate for the protection of children from sexual predators. We’ll be sharing the connections between the two issues and how to change the perceptions surrounding both.


Follow this link for details on how to tune in: http://www.commdiginews.com/communities-digital-news-hour/critical-conversations-its-just-politics-plus-the-cancer-of-sexual-violence-23322/

My first abuser is PROOF that abusers DO NOT change and only get worse

Part of the reason I had to speak out about the boy in my story, the sociopath, two years ago is because 24 years ago there was another abuser who I remained silent about due to feelings of shame, guilt, and embarrassment. His name is David Leo Cassady, and he hasn’t stopped hurting and harming women, children, men or the police since:

On Friday May 23, 2014, at 2:55 pm, Cumberland City Police Officer’s responded to a private residence at the 100 block of Pine Avenue for a trespassing complaint. Upon arrival contact was made with the owner of the residence who advised that David Cassady, age 42 of Cumberland, showed up at his residence uninvited and refused to leave. Officers advised Cassady that he needed to leave but he refused to do so and became argumentative. He was placed in custody and transported to the Cumberland City Police Department where he was processed and criminally cited for Disorderly Conduct. He was released pending trial at the Allegany County District Court.

On Wednesday May 28, 2014, at 12:32 pm, Cumberland City Police Officers were dispatched to a disturbance on Queen City Drive. Investigation into this matter revealed that David Cassady was inside the Union Rescue Mission and engaged into an argument with a staff member. Cassady proceeded to throw food around the dining room area and allegedly spat on a staff member. Cassady began to cause a disturbance outside the establishment as he was disturbing the peace of others in the area as he cursed at the officers. Cassady was placed in custody and during the arresting process, he kicked an officer. Cassady was transported to the Cumberland City Police Department where he was processed and served. He was taken to the Allegany County District Court Commissioners Office for a bond hearing and held on a $8,500.00 dollar bond at the Allegany County Detention Center.

When is this city, Cumberland, Md., going to do something about this person, this thing, before he kills someone?

I was one of his first female victims 24 years ago when I was just 18 and he was 18. The police in Cumberland refused to do anything about his threats and attacks against me then and allowed this psychopath to spend two decades terrorizing and tormenting women, children, men and the police. He’s been in and out of the prison system and has left many victims in his wake, many who suffer from trauma and continued fear that this disgusting example of a human being is going to come and kill them or their loved ones.

Unfortunately, I suffered alone for 22 years in the aftermath of his abuse. I remained silent, because I naively thought I was smart enough and strong enough to overcome  the trauma of being smothered, threatened with a gun, kicked, punched, and made to believe I should be ashamed of myself for being raised with loving parents. I learned the hard way, after years of depression, eating disorders, alcohol abuse, and my own arrest, that I am not super woman and that I needed help.

Do you have any idea how many victims this piece of trash has harmed in 24 years!? Many have warned me not to speak out. Many fear that he will come after me and my family. Well, my family and I are not afraid of this coward. Not anymore. Cowards like him only go after people he thinks are weak and easily scared. I’m not afraid. I’m not scared.

If you are or have ever been a victim of David Leo Cassady, come forward. It’s time the city of Cumberland starts focusing on real criminals who have the greatest potential to commit murder and render many of its residents fearful and frozen. Violence committed by a single person over and over again has a cascading and rippling effect in entire communities.

If you are reading this and have been a victim of domestic violence and feel trapped and unable to escape the daily torture and torment, you’re not to blame and you’re not alone. Contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and consider reading my latest story about why we stay. You may be surprised by what you discover:

http://www.commdiginews.com/life/why-janay-rice-and-other-domestic-violence-victims-dont-leave-18179/

Namaste!
~Paula

Liars! Further Dissection of Pistorius’s Anxiety and PTSD Claims

Oscar throws a temper tantrum at the Paralympics, and an expert claims he did it because he suffers from General Anxiety Disorder (GAD)?

First, someone suffering from undiagnosed and untreated GAD would have a difficult time competing let alone losing a race.

Second, those who suffer GAD generally do not blame others for every mistake they make in life, and they certainly wouldn’t know to blame the possible source of their anxiety: their abusive parents. Oh, my!

Individuals suffering from GAD fail to act due to fear of failure and of being perceived as imperfect. Their anxiety is born from feeling like they are not good enough.

Oscar, on the contrary, believes he is very good. He is so good in his eyes that he once fought to be the exception to all the rules in the last summer Olympic games.

Did he care if other athletes considered his presence and “blades” to be an unfair advantage? Not at all. He did not have the capacity to respect the sound and scientific arguments against him competing. Instead, he was quoted as saying:

“I don’t see myself as disabled. There’s nothing I can’t do that able-bodied athletes can do.”

Despite his current claim that experiencing the trauma of having his fibulas removed at 11-months of age and of having a one-time alcoholic mother and controlling father who made him fearful of society, up until the day he murdered Reeva Steenkamp, all who knew Oscar and witnessed his behavior would have argued otherwise.

“I still find it strange when I say to someone, ‘Can you pass me my legs?’ But I don’t ever think about my disability,” Pistorius has claimed.

So which is it? Is Pistorius someone who, for years, has simply been fooling everyone into believing his disability didn’t have a negative effect on his life but actually made him superhuman for overcoming his loss of limbs? Or is Pistorius fooling us now in an attempt to elude justice for the gun-killing murder of Reeva Steenkamp?

If he were truly terrified that night, he would have simply reached over to touch the position on the bed where Reeva should have been. In a matter of seconds, he would have been assured that the noise he claimed to have heard was just Reeva and not an intruder. His fears and anxieties would have subsided. And as a GAD sufferer, this is exactly what he would have done, because, after years of experiencing debilitating and undiagnosed GAD, he would have trained himself to investigate the reasonable cause before reacting prematurely.

But this is not what poor, suffering Pistorius did that night. Instead, according to him, he reached for his gun (not for Reeva) and took more time to stumble over to the toilet door on his stumps, screaming to the person behind the door, “Get the fuck out of my house!”

Reeva surely would have heard that and responded with, “It’s just me Oscar. It’s Reeva.”

He didn’t even speak through the door, “Is that you Reeva? I’m scared. Is that you in the toilet?”

THAT is what someone with undiagnosed and untreated GAD would do, because people with GAD are frozen to respond to situations if there are uncertainties.

Only an arrogant and reactive sociopath would shoot first and ask questions later, because to a sociopath, all of their actions are justified.

And, no, you cannot claim that his trauma response would have been to fight. Why? Because in this situation, there was a door between Oscar and the presumed threat. A person experiencing trauma would hope the door remained intact to continue serving as a barrier. Shooting through the door decreases the door’s value as a barrier. Not only would holes render the door weaker, the chances that the presumed threat on the other side would use their weapon also increased.

Oscar knew the person on the other side of the door was Reeva. He knew she was unarmed. He knew his life was not in physical danger.

But Oscar was scared and terrified in those moments, because he feared his reputation was on the line. He was more than aware of Reeva’s interest in speaking out against domestic violence. Also, he was well-aware that her own reputation and public presence in the spotlight was on the threshold of taking off with her soon-to-be aired reality show and with her Valentine’s Day speech at a local school about domestic violence and intimate partner abuse.

He couldn’t have her breaking up with him. The timing was terrible! She could easily start pointing fingers at his abusive and manipulative nature. Oscar had to do something to shut her up, so he shot through the door, killed Reeva, and today claims it’s because of his childhood.

He wants the rest of us to see him as the real victim, a victim of his childhood and uncontrollable circumstances, while we are to feel nothing for the woman he killed.

Who does that? Childhood victims of trauma and abuse?

No. Real victims of trauma who commit heinous crimes and murder would ask to be punished. There would be no denial. There would be absolute blame and shame. There would be no pleas for understanding or pity. No victim would make such an outrageous claim that killing a loved one was a reasonable response to an unknown threat. Reasonable because 30 years ago your fibulas were amputated? What’s next? All circumcised boys who commit murder will claim trauma, too? (Get f%$#ing real!!)

Namaste!
~Paula

Are you ready to be transformed? What to expect of yourself as you heal from sociopathic abuse

changeQuestion left on my blog by a reader:

“I have a question for this community. So now that I’ve identified the narcissistic sociopath in my life (husband) and have even identified the relationship in my life that started this cycle of my choosing (mother), how do I identify myself in this scenario? What kind of person am I that has “lived” in this relationship for so long (30), what is my behaviors and how do I change them and discontinue making the same selection? How do I change this dependency to this kind of behavior that I have allowed to develop? I am taking full responsibility for the rest of my life.”

My response follows, but I would really like anyone out there who has some approaches to healing and words of wisdom to please share. Namaste!


Paula’s response:

You’re three steps ahead of most: 1) you’ve identified that you were in an abusive relationship; 2) you identified the perpetrator for what he is; and 3) you recognize you are accountable and must look within to change and transform your conditioned/habitual dependent thinking.

If you haven’t already done so, find a trusted counselor to help guide you through your self-discovery journey. This person, ideally, understands trauma as it relates to symptoms of women coming from domestic violence situations and who understands that “violence” means any type of control wielded over another in the form of physical, financial, emotional and/or spiritual abuse. You don’t want a counselor who will minimize your emotions because that will make your inner journey a journey of self-blame rather than self-discovery and acceptance. You blame yourself enough already, I suspect.

While in counseling, start doing something, anything, you have always been interested in doing. Learn to cook, bake, sew or kayak. Learning a new skill ignites our cognitive thinking side of our brain and allows us to get out of the emotional side long enough to start appreciating ourselves again. Set mini goals for yourself. Understand your triggers and ask your counselor how you can work through them to minimize the negative effects of those triggers. Some may be harder to work through than others but understanding the source empowers us to control them rather than having them control us.

Join a gym or dust off those workout DVDs you collected over the years. Or simply start walking. Anything to activate your endorphins, which will naturally make you feel good about yourself. Feeling your heart beating and reminding you that you are alive and that you matter. Physical activity isn’t just for losing weight and looking good on the outside. It provides invigorating benefits to our internal systems as well.

Think about stuff you consume that makes you feel miserable about yourself. Salty foods, too much caffeine, alcohol, sodas…you get the idea. Pay attention to the things you put inside your body and how they make you feel. Try eliminating those things that make you feel crappy and increase the consumption of those things that make you feel good. Keep a food journal.

Surround yourself with people who love you and believe in you and who won’t coddle you but who will call you out (in a gentle, caring and non-shaming way) and help you when you need help. You don’t want anyone’s pity but you deserve to be understood and for your feelings to be shared without judgment.

Most of all, be patient, hopeful and positive. Allow yourself to have setbacks. They happen. Don’t be rigid in your recovery journey. You may think something will work for you, later to discover it just doesn’t have the same helpful benefits the same activity had for someone else.

You’re not going to recognize yourself. It’s a frightening thing. Other people aren’t going to recognize you either. Some may even ask where the old you went, especially those who have leaned on you for support over the years while you ignored your own needs. Don’t feel guilty about that. Let them know you still care, empathize and have compassion for them but you are your first priority and your happiness is most important, because if you’re happy and satisfied with yourself and love yourself, there’s more love to share with others…real love, not the co-dependent care you felt obligated to give to everyone who reached out to you and left you drained and wondering when someone was going to help you.

Well, the time has come for you to help yourself. After all, you were always so good at helping others, right? You’re going to be a great personal coach for yourself.

I hope some of this was helpful.

~Paula

(image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/305118943475896739/)

Part 1: A Victim of Childhood Abuse Becomes My Abuser

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Yesterday was my 42nd birthday. (That’s me above celebrating my 8th birthday with three of my sisters.) This morning, I decided to start sharing, in parts, my personal deconstruction process which has helped me in my healing and recovery from trauma and abuse.

Although my book and blog specifically detail my recent life history and abuse, the bigger story of my abuse started many years ago long before I met the sociopath. I’m hoping by sharing the bigger story of me, of Paula, others can come to terms with their past as I have and accept themselves, warts and all, in order to move forward with more awareness of our capabilities and our limitations.

How did I fall victim to sociopathic abuse? Why was my self-esteem and confidence diminished despite all of the seemingly good things I had going for me? Why was I delusional and depressed? Why did I choose alcohol to drown my fears and need to forget? Why is it important to remember in order to finally let go?

My wish in writing and sharing my deeper story is to shed light on possible answers to these questions, for me and for you.

Part 1: A Victim of Childhood Abuse Becomes My Abuser

Never in a million daydreams would I have imagined being a victim. Being a victim of trauma never even crossed my mind growing up.

As a child and young woman raised in the Appalachians of western Maryland, I was surrounded by economic extremes. I attended kindergarten sandwiched between friends who didn’t know what a home-cooked meal looked like and friends who rode to school in luxury cars and wore fur coats at recess.

I didn’t allow myself to think too much about how unfair life seemed for Timmy or how much I wished I were Cassandra. I was generally happy and content being me.

I loved my parents; I loved my sisters; I loved my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents. I grew up feeling loved and respected by the people who mattered most in my life. And I was determined to make them proud of me and never regret loving me.

I had older sisters I looked up to and a younger sister I protected. I yelled at boys who teased her and defended her against mean girls who took her meekness for weakness.

The funny thing is, unfortunately, when it came time to defend myself against a giant, I failed.

I was 18. A high school senior on my way to college in the fall. He was also 18. Already graduated but not in college. He was working at a local pizza parlor and trying to break into semi-professional lacrosse. A year before I met him, he had been a member of the Maryland High School Class 1A State Football Championship team. I thought that was impressive. He was passionate about sports and had dreams and potential. At 18, that was good enough for me. I called him my boyfriend for 6 months.

The abuse started in subtle ways (at least they seemed subtle to me then; today I would see them as glaring red flags). There was a poke here on the arm and another on my forehead. The pokes would come unannounced as I was talking or expressing an opinion, an opinion he didn’t like.

One day, the pokes were replaced by full-shoulder grabs, like he was trying to contain me and constrain me from speaking more about whatever it was I was trying to say. I was initially shocked and confused.

I remember saying, “Why are you grabbing me? No one grabs me and touches me like that! My father never even grabbed and touched me like that. What makes you think you can?”

Instead of him standing back and recognizing what he had done and that it was wrong, this 18-year-old boy began to cry. Sob. Stories of his childhood abuse at the hands of his father came rushing to the surface, spilling out of him. They seemed to never end.

Being locked in a closet for hours and sometimes days. Witnessing his father beat his mother until she bled. Witnessing his brother being terrorized. Being beaten senselessly with a belt or a bat or a pot or a pan…whatever his father had handy.

I cringed. My emotions oscillated from anger to shear disillusionment as I listened attentively to his accounts. I didn’t know how to soothe him other than to hug him and tell him that I was sorry that he went through what he went through.

I tried the best any ignorant 18-year-old woman could try. One would think he would welcome my attempts to soothe him by hugging me back or with a “Thank you” or a “I’m glad I can talk to someone about this.” No. My attempts were not met with humility. Rather, they were met with contempt and with anger and violence:

“You think you’re so special and smart and good. You’re nothing! You don’t know how easy you’ve had it. You have no idea what I have been through. Don’t pretend to understand!”

And the pushing and the shoving commenced, which, over a short period of time, eventually led to smothering, kicking, attempting to break bones, and threatening me with a loaded gun.

Why? For what purpose? How did hurting me, beating me up and shaming me help take away his pain and suffering? An eye for an eye?

Again, I felt shock mixed with fear and pity. I wasn’t recognizing that this person was taking out his hurt and pain on me. I kept thinking I could help him and make some sort of difference in his life. Model love and care. I wasn’t seeing that this victim of childhood abuse was now becoming the perpetrator of violence against me, an innocent young girl who desperately wanted to understand him and to see him free from his pain.

Instead of telling my mother or even my younger sister, I kept his secrets inside while shameful secrets of my own were forming. I made the mistake, 24 years ago, of trying to make sense of the senseless. Little did I know, my attempts were in vain and would chip away at my self-love and self-worth and lead to my own self-destruction.

To be continued…

Shifting gears and getting down to more awareness business

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Thanks to many factors and revelations over the course of several years, my life has come full circle, and it’s heading into another orbit as I write.

I feel stronger and more confident today than I’ve ever felt in my life.

I’m no longer the frustrated and fearful person who lacks the confidence to speak up when I initially feel the urge to speak up:

1. If I don’t want to do something, I’ll let you know now. I won’t wait until I’m in the middle of doing it and break down angry and upset for having been “forced” to participate.

2. If I don’t appreciate how someone is speaking/addressing me, I’ll let them know, mid-sentence if necessary.

3. If I sense someone is not being truthful, I’ll ask for clarification on the spot, in the moment.

4. If I like you, I’ll tell you.

5. If I don’t like you, I’ll tell you but only because I don’t want you wasting your time thinking I like you.

6. If you tell me you like me, I’ll let you know how thankful and grateful it makes me feel.

7. If you tell me you don’t like me, I’ll respect your reason and try to learn from any mistake I made that led you to your opinion of me.

Some will recognize this list as an example of how I plan to use and maintain my boundaries. I’d agree.

However, boundaries mean nothing if there isn’t a solid foundation of self-acceptance. My foundation, I must admit, is still wobbly. It’s not as earthquake-proof as I’d like it to be.

I feel like the boundaries I have built are quite vulnerable considering I struggle sometimes accepting who I am and where I’ve been.

This blog and the support I get from it have definitely contributed to a more stable foundation, but I can’t rely on this blog alone to reach a higher level of self-acceptance.

Fortunately, I have devised a plan (sounds good on paper!) that might help me reach the level of self-acceptance that my beloved family and friends deserve for me to have.

The first part of my plan is to say “Good-bye” to JUST writing about sociopaths. I started this blog before I ever believed in sociopaths (hehe!), but I admit my experience with a sociopath definitely propelled the popularity of this space.

(I doubt the growth of my blog traffic had much to do with my grasp of grammar or my writing style as much as it had to do with the morbid curiosity surrounding the subject matter of Sociopaths, Psychopaths and Narcissists…oh my!)

It’s the simple truth: The sociopath writing I publish gets more people to my blog and allows me to interact with more people than if, instead, I wrote a blog with a focus on…yoga!

If you have been following this blog for awhile, you will remember that I tried transforming the focus and attempted to transition away from writing about sociopaths a few months ago. Fulfilling this desire (and letting go) has proven to be one of my greatest challenges, regardless of all the yoga I’ve done.

“Just let it go, Paula. You can do this,” I keep telling myself.

How do I let go of something that has brought me so much cathartic healing? That has introduced me to a world of knowledge I never knew needed to be known or passed along? That has provided me with more love and friendships than I ever dreamed would be a possibility?

Plus, I am human, and I like the attention. I like the interaction. I like the validation.

But I also recognize that trying to increase my blog hits each month, to help everyone who comments and to respond timely and accurately to everyone who contacts me privately was causing me some stress, anxiety and took away from my ability to help myself and continue to grow and succeed.

I was stupidly putting too much pressure on myself to be more than I am capable of being.

What am I capable of?

I can write, and I am willing to share. I write blog posts about my experience with someone I believe is pathological, highly narcissistic and sociopathic. I write about how I’ve fallen flat and how I found the faith and courage to continue despite accepting the ugliness of my past. I can also write on many more interesting topics, too.

What am I not capable of?

I can’t be responsible for guiding everyone in the right direction who asks for my help. I wish I could, but I am not a counselor. I can’t help everyone with just words who privately contacts me. I don’t have a magic pill or solution.

Because I have learned healthy boundaries, I recognized how I was allowing my blog to control and dictate my sense of worth and accomplishment. So I took a healthy break the last few months from writing as prolifically as I had been writing. I took that time to map out some goals and determine how I’d like to challenge myself in the coming months and years.

I don’t want to let anyone down by pulling away from my original subject matter, but I’m antsy to go to new places and explore new possibilities, in my writing, my life and my relationships.

>> I want to write more for my Washington Times Communities column on relationships, yoga and health, all from a mindful perspective. I’ve been more fearful to put myself out there, up to this point, on such a public forum as opposed to my personal blog space. It’s safe here. It’s not there.

>> I want to dedicate more time to my anatomy and yoga studies, so I can be fully confident and ready to teach the students who could benefit from my experience at the time I earn my 200-hour yoga teacher training certification later this year. I want to teach yoga to trauma patients and volunteer to teach yoga in community corrections and shelters.

>> I want to dedicate more time to editing all of the personal abuse stories submitted to me last year, so the second book I publish is one we can all be proud to pass on to our family and friends and strangers in need.

>> I want to highlight more success stories on my blog. I think this community reads enough about struggles; we deserve some feel-good pieces with more focus on aftermath success.

>> I want to organize a conference (no matter how small or cramped) that will bring us all together in a room, so we can give each other real hugs and not just virtual ones! (((Hugs)))

All of these things require time, organization and dedication. I believe 2014 is going to be a time of further assessment.

But I also sense 2014 will be the year the global foundation surrounding the importance of narcissist and sociopath awareness becomes more solid, making all of us better positioned, emotionally and mentally, to stand proud and spread awareness about emotional abuse wider than just our blogs, Twitter feeds or Facebook pages.

Regardless of what I write and share on my blog moving forward, whatever it is it’s most certainly related to how I continue to mindfully heal and grow.

My life is consumed and driven by the desire to never stop growing.

And I’m not just talking about healing and growing from the toxic relationship in which I found myself with the sociopath. I’m also referring to healing and growing from years of not thinking I was good enough.

I want to share all of the good stuff I learn with you in hopes you’ll continue sharing your successes and periodic struggles with this community.

I’ve been too fearful to be me in the past. Thanks to this community (which is continuously growing!) I am ready to spread my wings and take a few risks. What do I have to lose?!? What do any of us have to lose!?!?

Namaste!
~Paula

(Image source: http://blogs.worldbank.org/psd/shifting-gears-capitalism-and-the-logic-of-competitive-industries)

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