FREE Webinar Series: “Journey to the Heart” with love. life. om.

Let’s get this party started!

Yesterday was Loving Kindness Wednesday. I spent the day planning and scheduling love. life. om.’s first FREE webinar series specifically designed for everyone and anyone with the desire to transform their lives and reach their full potential.

Join the conversation and open your heart to new people, new opportunities, and new insights within love. life. om.’s safe and inclusive community.

In this FREE series, we’ll read selected meditations from Melody Beattie’s best-selling book “Journey to the Heart” and spend time sharing and reflecting on her words of wisdom. I’ll also share simple yet powerful mindfulness tools you can integrate into your personal healing journey toolkit.

Don’t miss this opportunity to connect with others who share your desire and passion to finally be free from unnecessary mental, emotional and physical blocks to finding joy and happiness!

Sign up today!

There are four (4) sessions in the series. Sign up for all of them or only the ones that fit your schedule best. I can’t wait for all of us to connect!

Have a beautiful day!
Paula Carrasquillo, MA, RYT-200
yoga teacher and health coach 

Paula.Carrasquillo_Marriott_Serenity_PoolWork with me! If you’re interested in learning powerful tools and techniques to transform your body, mind and spirit and open new pathways to healing and reaching your highest potential self, contact me to learn about the programs and services I offer.

FREE Webinar Series: “Journey to the Heart” by Melody Beatty

FREE Book Club Webinar Series: “Journey to the heart” by Melody Beatty

To kickstart the new year, I bought Beatty’s book of daily meditations. Each evening, I read an entry and am always blown away.
Some of you may know her other book, “Codependent No More”. I purchased that book a few years ago, but it didn’t resonate with me the way her book of daily meditations has.

It’s not that I’m in denial that I have a history of being codependent; I think we all can acknowledge we’ve been or continue to be codependent to a degree thanks to our upbringing in a society that makes us believe codependency is normal while simultaneously brainwashing us into believing we’re not codependent and that being codependent is “bad”. For many of us, it was the toxic relationship with a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath that finally opened our eyes to our conditioning and codependent tendencies. 

So no, I’m not in denial. It’s just that I’m the type of person who doesn’t wish to dwell for long on what’s wrong with me, because that generally leads me down a slippery slope of self-blame and self-judgment, which, ironically, sends me deeper into codependency because I end up desperate for external validation from others. Nope. I refuse to get trapped on that merry-go-round ever again.

I know I was codependent in the past and remain codependent to a degree today. I accept it. What I want to know is how do I change my default and learn to be more self-sufficient and self-reliant in relationships and with myself?

Beatty’s daily meditations provide part of answers, I believe, and speak to simple action steps that have the potential to pull us out of our conditioning and into a healthier mindset of joy, freedom, and accountability.

I’d like to invite you to read and share Beatty’s book with me. I’ll be conducting FREE webinars and inviting everyone to join in the conversation.

If you’re interested, please comment below with a day of the week and time that works best for you. I will do my best to accommodate as many of us as I can when scheduling the first FREE live webinar.

During the webinars, I’ll also share other mindfulness tools to help you stay grounded and focused on your inner journey of healing and transformation!

Paula Carrasquillo, MA, RYT-200
yoga teacher and health coach 

Paula.Carrasquillo_Marriott_Serenity_PoolWork with me! If you’re interested in learning powerful tools and techniques to transform your body, mind and spirit and open new pathways to healing and reaching your highest potential self, contact me to learn about the programs and services I offer.

Trauma Purge and the Surprise of Letting Go

It’s Loving Kindness Wednesday!

I took the attached picture last week in Maui. After snapping the shot, I looked at the image and thought, “That’s not what I thought I was taking a picture of. This looks like a flame shooting up through the waves!!”

It was so unexpected and such a wonderful surprise. A lot like how it feels when we’re moving through transformation and out of trauma and into our greatest potential self. The unexpected happens frequently regardless of the tools we use to release our trapped trauma, emotions and pain. 

A tool I use and recommend others to practice is yoga. But yoga isn’t the gentle kind of release one might think it is. It’s powerful and intense. 

Through movements and holdings of the body simultaneously with the breath, yoga loosens trauma in preparation for the ultimate purge, cleansing and letting go of trauma. 

Loosening too much too quickly is not recommended. Otherwise, you run the risk of re-traumatizing yourself and creating an even thicker block of compacted and congested emotional and spiritual “gunk”. 

Preferably, begin or reintroduce yoga by easing into a practice of yin or guided meditation. These types of tools are slower and more focused, allowing for a gentle emergence of accumulated trauma, stress and anxiety. Connected to this accumulation of gunk are your fears partnered with all the self-sabotaging tools the gunk set as your default whenever faced with relationship challenges. So as the gunk surfaces, expect to be swiftly and unexpectedly overcome with even more intense sensations of the following: self-doubt, self-judgment, shame, remorse, regret, lack of self-respect, etc. 

Fortunately and with more practice, instead of cycling through the loop of these destructive emotions, you will recognize and be aware of them. When you are aware of them, they have no power or control over your actions, behaviors and/or treatment of others. When you’re aware of them, you accept them for the tricksters that they are and simultaneously let them go.

The letting go process may happen unexpectedly. You’ll know when it’s happening. No need for me to spoil the surprise.

Paula Carrasquillo, yoga teacher and health coach

Give your awareness and knowledge wings #recovery #patience #healing

Knowledge is power but only if we give it wings.

>>We can read book after book and blog after blog.

>>We can visit therapist after therapist and support group after support group.

>>We can take in vast volumes of knowledge and information yet still find ourselves stuck.

Why? How is it possible to know the truth yet remain confused about what’s next?

I think there are a number of factors to consider before giving up on your healing and transformational journey:

1. Honor the process; it’s not instant healing.

To change, learn, grow and ultimately transform takes time and dedication. There will be moments of “relapse” and/or intense triggers and high-level anxiety. These are normal reactions your body and mind produces when we try changing conditioned patterns of thought and action. We involuntarily fight against those changes, because ironically, we’ve conditioned ourselves to find comfort in our suffering and state of despair.

2. Honor your survival.

You survived something that many do not. You may have lost your job, your home, your car, your family and your dignity, but you are still breathing. Your heart is still beating, right? I believe in purpose, and there is a purpose you remain alive.

3. Honor your failed expectations.

It is absolutely impossible to expect or predict how and in what setting your joy will manifest. You can think of a 100 possible scenarios, and the 101st scenario you never imagined is what you experience. So think on what you want or “something better.” Never put limits on the possibilities.

4. Honor the need to love and respect yourself before others.

Healthy levels of self-awareness and self-care are absolutely necessary if you expect the universe to start treating you better and gifting you with opportunities. Forget about what will please others for a change. Think about what you need to do for yourself, so when you are called upon to help others, you’re ready.

5. Honor the purge process.

We MUST eliminate any obstacles–thoughts, habits and people–that interfere with moving forward in our recovery. If you know certain foods aren’t good for you, stop eating them. If you recognize certain people set you off, avoid social situations with those people.

Set firm boundaries and create sacred rules of engagement for yourself, because you matter and are worth every moment dedicated to your recovery.

~Paula Carrasquillo, author of Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath

“Raped” by a Female Sociopath

Twenty three years ago when I was 19, I met a female sociopath, but I had no idea she was a sociopath.

It was the summer following my freshman year in college. I had just started dating a local boy who I had met on campus in the spring. I liked him. He was from the same rural, Appalachian area where I was raised. We enjoyed the outdoors, music, books, movies, hiking, biking…you name it, we had it in common.

About a week or two into the “official” start of the romance, he received a call from a girl he had known since high school. She told him she was pregnant, said the unborn child was his, and asked for money because she wanted an abortion.

My gut sank.

He explained that they went to high school together, had never dated, but had been friends for years. He said she had recently ended a tempestuous relationship with an older guy and that he had gotten together with her several weeks prior to talk about her break up, and one thing led to another.

I wasn’t jealous or offended. I mostly felt sorry for her. It seems this older guy had really hurt her and she was devastated. She and my now boyfriend made an unfortunate mistake in judgment and choices had to be made. Besides, up until a few days before receiving the news of her pregnancy, there was not a commitment between him and me.

I supported his decision to give her money for the abortion, but it gave me pause. I thought a lot about what that decision meant. But because I was so young at the time with my own recent history of dating shit to get sorted, I did not spend an extensive amount of energy contemplating her situation nor did I judge her. I actually suggested we all get together sometime in the near future.

A few days after her scheduled abortion, my boyfriend confided that he did not believe that the baby was his, but that he agreed to help her because no one else was stepping in to support her. I was a bit astonished that he would have suggested she lied. I didn’t want to believe someone would be that manipulative and deceitful.

Then I met her.

Wow, I thought to myself, what in the hell was my boyfriend thinking?! She was a total snob, not athletic, not healthy looking, and all she did was talk about everyone! She seemed uncomfortable around me, like she feared I was going to bite her or something. I’d ask her questions about herself, and she’d just stare off behind me. And when I tried to talk to her about me, she’d stare off behind me. I was confused. Couldn’t figure out this girl. Didn’t she realize that I didn’t care that she had had a fling with my boyfriend before he was my boyfriend and that I was genuinely interested in being her friend?

During the few years I dated this boy, we had many “adventures” with this girl.

>> She seduced our friends who happened to be a married couple (yes, she fucked them both); she preferred the male; the marriage ended; she was hot and intense with our friend in the beginning; she got cold and distant; they broke up.

>> We introduced her to a single male friend of ours; they were hot and intense in the beginning; they moved in together; there were lots of intense fights; she got cold and distant; they broke up.

>> My boyfriend and I moved in with her. She was hot and cold. I couldn’t stand being in what seemed like her lair, her nest. My relationship with my boyfriend experienced serious road blocks and obstacles. My boyfriend and I broke up but remained friends.

And remaining friends was easy. We lived in a small, mountain, college town. He worked at the book store, my favorite place to go, and she remained in the same apartment, her nest above the chocolate shop.

I’d see her occasionally walking or at a local bar. I’d make frequent attempts to communicate with her. She always seemed to be trying really hard to be seductive with me. We’d be sitting at the bar having a beer, and she’d lean in really close, touch my cheek with her hair, rub her thighs close to mine. Her tits seemed to like resting close to my arms.

I was unmoved. I was not interested or attracted to her. Why would she think I was? Because I was friends with women who had been “intimate” with her? Could that be why she thought I was another easy seduction?

After her overt advances failed, she resorted to dismissing my sexuality. She’d make comments about me having no shape, having no breasts, and having no sex appeal. She commented on my clothes and the way I wore my hair or didn’t wear my hair. How I didn’t smell like a woman that men would find attractive.

I listened to her mostly unaffected, but I boiled inside whenever I saw her, because as much as she thought she was sexy and attractive, all I saw was a demon. All I saw was a sad and lonely woman who needed to minimize me to feel better about herself. At the time, I didn’t know about sociopaths or personality disorders. I just knew that I was in the presence of something that was not good. Nothing about her was good to me.

About 6 months after my breakup with my boyfriend, we got together one afternoon and he asked about getting back together. I was thrilled! I loved this guy. He was one of the best people I had ever met in my life up to that point.

I said, “Yes, I’d like to be together again.”

He seemed pleased with my answer but then a look of shame came over him. He said, “Before we go any further, I must confess something to you, Paula. Remember the weekend you went away for your sister’s wedding while we were living with Ruby?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Well, Ruby and I were together,” he confessed.

My heart sank.

“Together? What do you mean?,” I asked knowing full well what he meant.

He shared all of the details and how it happened and where specifically in the apartment it happened.

I wanted to run and throw up. I wanted to understand why he did it and why she did it. Why did they betray me?

He talked; I listened. I cried; he cried. He held me; I held him.

I was finding it hard to forgive him. I decided to confront her and compare stories. So I called her that night and arranged to meet her in her “nest” the next day.

What a mistake. Why did I even bother.

When I asked her if it was true, she matter-of-factly nodded and shrugged. She sat in her sofa with this air of superiority over me, like I shouldn’t have been surprised that my boyfriend would seek satisfaction from a “real” womanly woman outside our relationship.

Not once did she say, “I’m sorry, Paula. I know it was wrong.”

Not once! Not even a spark of regret did I detect.

Instead, she seemed to find joy in my sorrow. She seemed to be gleeful that I had experienced this ugly betrayal.

I left her apartment, her lair, feeling dirty and disgusted. Within 6 months, the relationship with my boyfriend ended again. It could never be healed from the many fissures and cracks created as a result of the influence of the sociopath who slithered in and destroyed the innocence of young love.

Today, the sociopath remains in the same apartment. She continues to nest. She continues to exist. But unlike 20 years ago when her youth disguised the ugliness within, she looks as unattractive as her dark heart and soul, burning just beneath the surface.


(I might receive some serious shit from folks who personally know me for sharing this story, but I really don’t care anymore. It’s time it was told.)

Oh, dear, not another post about forgiveness! #sociopath #abuse #recovery

From my experience with my recovery and communicating with others about their recovery, it’s clear that we all have very different interpretations of what it means to forgive. Depending on many factors such as our religious beliefs, spirituality, and life experiences, we put various degrees of importance on forgiving our tormentor(s) and even define “forgiveness” to suit our plan. The beauty of this community is that we respect each other’s interpretations and give each other room to grow and recover unrestricted and at a pace and with the tools that work best.

Unfortunately, it’s the folks who have not experienced the extreme effects of emotional, spiritual, physical, and financial abuse who seem to have the most criticism of how we choose to heal and move forward. I think many on the outside of sociopath/narcissist abuse fool themselves and judge many survivors with regards to forgiveness. These seemingly, well-meaning folks insist that we must forgive, according to the traditional “rules” of forgiveness, otherwise, we won’t be able to free ourselves from all that hate inside of us. 

I think this is rather presumptuous and unfair and a burden to recovery as it relates to freeing ourselves from self-blame and self-shame. The self-righteous are forcing me to believe that my inability to forgive is a hindrance and that because I refuse to forgive, I most assuredly am carrying around a bunch of hate that’s blocking me and holding me back?

(Thanks for informing me that I carry around something that I didn’t know I was carrying. What else do you see in my soul that I don’t? Please, I’d really like to know, oh great and powerful one.)

Just because many of us, including myself, do not forgive our sociopath/narcissist, doesn’t mean we hold hate in our heart. Neither forgiveness nor hate depend on the other. The presence of one does not mean the presence or absence of the other. There is no direct equation that links the two. It’s a myth.

(Probably one of those myths a sociopath created so we WOULD feel obligated to forgive him!)

Just because I won’t forgive doesn’t mean I hate. And it shouldn’t be assumed that the people who choose to forgive do not hold hate and contempt within their hearts.

I forgive myself and all of the pain I caused my family and loved ones. I still hate what I did, and I still hate the person I was. I’m allowed to feel that hate. That hate doesn’t keep me stuck despite what all those self-righteous folks think who preach that forgiveness is the only path to freedom.

It isn’t.

I do not forgive the sociopath, the person who ignored my direct questions regarding his behavior, lies, and abuses against myself and my son. I hated the sociopath for being so spineless and for hiring a lawyer in an attempt (a failed attempt) to force me to end my questions…I absolutely hated the coward. I was allowed to hate him. I was allowed to wish for him to suffer like I suffered. I wished a lot of things upon him that came from a place of extreme hate.

Today, however, after much internal work and meditation, I’ve accepted that the sociopath is what he is. I no longer hate him, and I’ve moved beyond feeling sorry for him, too. But I refuse to forgive the creep, the abuser, the despicable human I once trusted with myself and my son. After all, he has never claimed accountability for his behavior nor acknowledged any of my accusations. According to his delusions, he did nothing wrong. According to him, what I think and feel does not matter.

What I do feel for him is indifference. Other than using what I know of him to apply to sociopath awareness, I am indifferent to the sociopath today. If he succeeds in hurting others, oh well, it’s out of my control; but I will never stop hoping for peace for his victims. If he gets hit by a bus tomorrow, oh well, one less asshole the world has to worry about dodging.

I don’t hate him, because I truly do not care about him.

Hate and love require energy and a bond, as does forgiveness. I don’t feel the bond, so my need to forgive doesn’t even enter my consciousness (until someone tries preaching to me about how I should forgive).

Maybe it is important to clearly define what the idea of forgiveness means to you. Clearly defining it may prevent you from getting wrapped up in feeling guilty the next time someone starts preaching to you about “moving on” and “getting over” the abuse through forgiveness.

Forgiveness to me means indifference. So according to my definition, I forgive the sociopath; I am indifferent to him.

(Hey, sociopaths redefine history everyday. Why can’t we redefine what  “forgiveness” means to our recovery?)

How do you define your idea of forgiveness?


Regaining Your Intuition After Sociopath Abuse

20140623-111812.jpgThe sociopath’s goal is to isolate us in two ways: 1.) physically from our support system and 2.) spiritually from our moral code and beliefs.

We can look back and easily recognize how the sociopath physically isolated us. It’s not as easy to understand how we became so detached from our moral code.

Our moral code speaks directly to our intuition. They work in tandem. We establish our truths based on our moral code. Our intuition is designed to apply our inner, moral code to the outside world…to people and situations.

Our Intuition is the gut feeling we get about someone or some situation. One of the reasons we became detached from our moral code which led to getting lost in cognitive dissonance and the sociopath abuse is that we didn’t trust our gut…our intuition.

We told our gut that it was being unfair and unreasonable and too judgmental. We interpreted our inner voice, our intuition, as a negative judge of that person before us–the abuser, the sociopath, the psychopath…whatever term that suits. We denied our intuition and said, “No way, gut, I refuse to believe that any person could possibly be out to hurt and harm me. That’s ludicrous!”

We were wrong about our intuition, weren’t we? And because we were so wrong about our intuition, our moral code became ineffective. We now see that our moral code and intuition were only trying to warn us that not every person is motivated to act from a place of good intentions and love.

We essentially kicked over the red flags and killed our intuition by denying its worth.

Part of healing is to revive our moral code and intuition and nurture this amazing, inner team back to its brilliant self. We must get in touch with who we are, what makes us each individual and unique, and what also makes us compatible with others and allows us to be a part of a union, part of a community.

Even outside of the relationship, we remained isolated and distant from the very people who could guide us back to our spiritual and moral core. We told ourselves, “They will never understand. I can’t possibly get them to understand.”

And, in the beginning, we can’t explain it because we are deep in cognitive dissonance and detached from our core beliefs and spirituality.

That spiritual and moral core rests inside our intuition. So we must learn to have faith in that very thing we rejected. It was through that rejection that we left the door open to the abuse and manipulations in the first place.

How do you get back to that place of trusting your gut?

The first step is to forgive yourself for ignoring your gut. Then praise your gut for being so smart and apologize to your gut for being stubborn.

“I was really stupid to ignore you, Intuition. I vow to listen to you in the future. You’re so damn smart!”

The next step is to recognize what your gut tells you about people and situations moving forward.

In the beginning, you’re going to strike out more than you’ll hit home runs. Your gut is rusty! So, at first, you might pick the wrong people to trust or the wrong group to join or the wrong job to replace the one you lost.

It’s okay. It takes a while to polish and work our those kinks.

Resist the urge to judge yourself too harshly. The only thing self-judgment results in is self-defeat. You don’t want that.

So keep telling yourself it’s okay to get things wrong at first. Let go of perfect. Let go of the need for instant results. Rest. Be good to yourself. Eat well. Live well. Laugh at yourself.

Laugh a lot at your old self. She/he was a real riot, don’t you think?


My first abuser is PROOF that abusers DO NOT change and only get worse

Part of the reason I had to speak out about the boy in my story, the sociopath, two years ago is because 24 years ago there was another abuser who I remained silent about due to feelings of shame, guilt, and embarrassment. His name is David Leo Cassady, and he hasn’t stopped hurting and harming women, children, men or the police since:

On Friday May 23, 2014, at 2:55 pm, Cumberland City Police Officer’s responded to a private residence at the 100 block of Pine Avenue for a trespassing complaint. Upon arrival contact was made with the owner of the residence who advised that David Cassady, age 42 of Cumberland, showed up at his residence uninvited and refused to leave. Officers advised Cassady that he needed to leave but he refused to do so and became argumentative. He was placed in custody and transported to the Cumberland City Police Department where he was processed and criminally cited for Disorderly Conduct. He was released pending trial at the Allegany County District Court.

On Wednesday May 28, 2014, at 12:32 pm, Cumberland City Police Officers were dispatched to a disturbance on Queen City Drive. Investigation into this matter revealed that David Cassady was inside the Union Rescue Mission and engaged into an argument with a staff member. Cassady proceeded to throw food around the dining room area and allegedly spat on a staff member. Cassady began to cause a disturbance outside the establishment as he was disturbing the peace of others in the area as he cursed at the officers. Cassady was placed in custody and during the arresting process, he kicked an officer. Cassady was transported to the Cumberland City Police Department where he was processed and served. He was taken to the Allegany County District Court Commissioners Office for a bond hearing and held on a $8,500.00 dollar bond at the Allegany County Detention Center.

When is this city, Cumberland, Md., going to do something about this person, this thing, before he kills someone?

I was one of his first female victims 24 years ago when I was just 18 and he was 18. The police in Cumberland refused to do anything about his threats and attacks against me then and allowed this psychopath to spend two decades terrorizing and tormenting women, children, men and the police. He’s been in and out of the prison system and has left many victims in his wake, many who suffer from trauma and continued fear that this disgusting example of a human being is going to come and kill them or their loved ones.

Unfortunately, I suffered alone for 22 years in the aftermath of his abuse. I remained silent, because I naively thought I was smart enough and strong enough to overcome  the trauma of being smothered, threatened with a gun, kicked, punched, and made to believe I should be ashamed of myself for being raised with loving parents. I learned the hard way, after years of depression, eating disorders, alcohol abuse, and my own arrest, that I am not super woman and that I needed help.

Do you have any idea how many victims this piece of trash has harmed in 24 years!? Many have warned me not to speak out. Many fear that he will come after me and my family. Well, my family and I are not afraid of this coward. Not anymore. Cowards like him only go after people he thinks are weak and easily scared. I’m not afraid. I’m not scared.

If you are or have ever been a victim of David Leo Cassady, come forward. It’s time the city of Cumberland starts focusing on real criminals who have the greatest potential to commit murder and render many of its residents fearful and frozen. Violence committed by a single person over and over again has a cascading and rippling effect in entire communities.

If you are reading this and have been a victim of domestic violence and feel trapped and unable to escape the daily torture and torment, you’re not to blame and you’re not alone. Contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and consider reading my latest story about why we stay. You may be surprised by what you discover:


Liars! Further Dissection of Pistorius’s Anxiety and PTSD Claims

Oscar throws a temper tantrum at the Paralympics, and an expert claims he did it because he suffers from General Anxiety Disorder (GAD)?

First, someone suffering from undiagnosed and untreated GAD would have a difficult time competing let alone losing a race.

Second, those who suffer GAD generally do not blame others for every mistake they make in life, and they certainly wouldn’t know to blame the possible source of their anxiety: their abusive parents. Oh, my!

Individuals suffering from GAD fail to act due to fear of failure and of being perceived as imperfect. Their anxiety is born from feeling like they are not good enough.

Oscar, on the contrary, believes he is very good. He is so good in his eyes that he once fought to be the exception to all the rules in the last summer Olympic games.

Did he care if other athletes considered his presence and “blades” to be an unfair advantage? Not at all. He did not have the capacity to respect the sound and scientific arguments against him competing. Instead, he was quoted as saying:

“I don’t see myself as disabled. There’s nothing I can’t do that able-bodied athletes can do.”

Despite his current claim that experiencing the trauma of having his fibulas removed at 11-months of age and of having a one-time alcoholic mother and controlling father who made him fearful of society, up until the day he murdered Reeva Steenkamp, all who knew Oscar and witnessed his behavior would have argued otherwise.

“I still find it strange when I say to someone, ‘Can you pass me my legs?’ But I don’t ever think about my disability,” Pistorius has claimed.

So which is it? Is Pistorius someone who, for years, has simply been fooling everyone into believing his disability didn’t have a negative effect on his life but actually made him superhuman for overcoming his loss of limbs? Or is Pistorius fooling us now in an attempt to elude justice for the gun-killing murder of Reeva Steenkamp?

If he were truly terrified that night, he would have simply reached over to touch the position on the bed where Reeva should have been. In a matter of seconds, he would have been assured that the noise he claimed to have heard was just Reeva and not an intruder. His fears and anxieties would have subsided. And as a GAD sufferer, this is exactly what he would have done, because, after years of experiencing debilitating and undiagnosed GAD, he would have trained himself to investigate the reasonable cause before reacting prematurely.

But this is not what poor, suffering Pistorius did that night. Instead, according to him, he reached for his gun (not for Reeva) and took more time to stumble over to the toilet door on his stumps, screaming to the person behind the door, “Get the fuck out of my house!”

Reeva surely would have heard that and responded with, “It’s just me Oscar. It’s Reeva.”

He didn’t even speak through the door, “Is that you Reeva? I’m scared. Is that you in the toilet?”

THAT is what someone with undiagnosed and untreated GAD would do, because people with GAD are frozen to respond to situations if there are uncertainties.

Only an arrogant and reactive sociopath would shoot first and ask questions later, because to a sociopath, all of their actions are justified.

And, no, you cannot claim that his trauma response would have been to fight. Why? Because in this situation, there was a door between Oscar and the presumed threat. A person experiencing trauma would hope the door remained intact to continue serving as a barrier. Shooting through the door decreases the door’s value as a barrier. Not only would holes render the door weaker, the chances that the presumed threat on the other side would use their weapon also increased.

Oscar knew the person on the other side of the door was Reeva. He knew she was unarmed. He knew his life was not in physical danger.

But Oscar was scared and terrified in those moments, because he feared his reputation was on the line. He was more than aware of Reeva’s interest in speaking out against domestic violence. Also, he was well-aware that her own reputation and public presence in the spotlight was on the threshold of taking off with her soon-to-be aired reality show and with her Valentine’s Day speech at a local school about domestic violence and intimate partner abuse.

He couldn’t have her breaking up with him. The timing was terrible! She could easily start pointing fingers at his abusive and manipulative nature. Oscar had to do something to shut her up, so he shot through the door, killed Reeva, and today claims it’s because of his childhood.

He wants the rest of us to see him as the real victim, a victim of his childhood and uncontrollable circumstances, while we are to feel nothing for the woman he killed.

Who does that? Childhood victims of trauma and abuse?

No. Real victims of trauma who commit heinous crimes and murder would ask to be punished. There would be no denial. There would be absolute blame and shame. There would be no pleas for understanding or pity. No victim would make such an outrageous claim that killing a loved one was a reasonable response to an unknown threat. Reasonable because 30 years ago your fibulas were amputated? What’s next? All circumcised boys who commit murder will claim trauma, too? (Get f%$#ing real!!)


%d bloggers like this: