I am guilty of compromising myself in the past when it came to trying to let go of mean and selfish people.
The injustice of never receiving closure and an explanation of how they could be so cruel simply ate away at me until I exploded.
I always thought their silence and refusal to talk with me was because I had done something that caused that person to behave in a mean and selfish way towards me. I always thought I could just undo that “thing” I did or said, apologize for it and the person acting mean and selfish would open up to me and share their feelings with me, resulting in some sort of mutual understanding.
Unfortunately, I was wrong on many occasions about this.
Probably because I used to think that everyone was good-hearted deep down.
I used to think people who acted in mean and selfish ways just needed a little nudge in the “be nice” direction.
I used to think by practicing patience and hope, those mean and selfish people would stop treating me and others in mean and selfish ways.
Today, I am not as naive as I once was.
Today, I confidently understand and believe that there are some people who just enjoy being mean and selfish. And no matter how much I cry or beg them to be nicer, more understanding and more forgiving, I can’t make them stop being mean and selfish.
Are these people mean and selfish because they don’t have a conscience?
Who knows? They could have been born without one, or they could have been born with one, and their childhood or circumstances conditioned their consciences to go into long-term hibernation or something. Who in the world can know for certain and why should we really care? Let their therapist figure that one out.
What I do know with absolute certainty is that I have a life to live. And I will do what I must do to protect that life from mean and selfish people whose only purpose is to cause destruction in the lives of all they touch.
Moving forward, I have made a promise to remove myself from the line of sight of mean and selfish people.
But there are two things I must NOT do when I make the decision to let go of mean and selfish people:
1. I must resist the urge to lash out and tell the mean and selfish person that he/she sucks. Me telling them that I think they suck just makes me look mean and selfish, too. I don’t need to deal with that unnecessary guilt.
2. I must resist the need to explain to the mean and selfish person why I think she/he is mean and selfish. I don’t owe him/her anything. The mean and selfish person never earned the right to know why I believe he/she is mean and selfish and unable to change.
Besides, mean and selfish people just try turning our reasoning on its head to make them look good and us look mean and selfish.
So it’s not important to explain to mean and selfish people why we don’t take their calls, reply to their emails, or attend their parties.
It’s not as if doing so will bring some sort of enlightenment to our lives. After all, once we engage in trying to explain ourselves to mean and selfish people, we get sucked into their worlds again. And their worlds are equivalent to being in hell, remember?
Instead, let the mean and selfish people go quietly and with as little drama as possible. You’ll be amazed at how quickly your life joyfully grows and positively changes. And the changes are permanent as long as you don’t let another mean and selfish person infiltrate your peace.
Namaste!
~Paula
P.S. Mean and selfish people never ask themselves, “Am I mean and selfish?”
(They might ask their current victim if the current victim thinks they’re mean and selfish, but that’s just to gauge the new victim’s empathy and ability to be manipulated .)
Mean and selfish people generally know they’re mean and selfish but don’t care if they hurt any one. After all, mean and selfish people think they win in life by being mean and selfish and believe it’s your fault for choosing to be hurt by them.
You’re just a sore loser in the eyes of mean and selfish people.
Isn’t it funny how clear they make it for us when we know how to recognize the smoke screens and blow past them? 🙂
© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications
(Image source: http://underachievingdomesticgoddess.blogspot.com/2012/05/if-you-want-to-find-reason-not-to-laugh.html?m=1)
Your Healing Frequency 
14 responses to “How to Mindfully Let Go of Mean and Selfish People Without Compromising Yourself”
This article literally saved my life and made a fuzzy situation very clear to me. I am gratfeul for finding it. I lost 12 pounds from stress of a mean person at work who I used to date. He turns on me so quickly I get whip lash,. I found myself accommodating his very mood swing and lost myself. Couldn’t sleep or eat but had to act happy and professional all day at work to cover up my feeling till I got home to cry myself to sleep and wake up with knoxs in my stomach to start it all over again. I trued to talk to him, reason with him, ignorn him but nothing worked. I understand now. Thank you:-)
LikeLike
This article literally saved my life and made a fuzzy situation very clear to me. I am gratfeul for finding it. I lost 12 pounds from stress of a mean person at work who I used to date. He turns on me so quickly I get whip lash,. I found myself accommodating his very mood swing and lost myself. Couldn’t sleep or eat but had to act happy and professional all day at work to cover up my feeling till I got home to cry myself to sleep and wake up with knoxs in my stomach to start it all over again. I trued to talk to him, reason with him, ignorn him but nothing worked. I understand now. Thank you:-)
LikeLike
I’m so happy the article help you, Anonymous!! No one deserves to feel the anguish and stress your were feeling because of another’s lack of care and respect.
LikeLike
As a teacher I’m constantly being surrounded by catty teachers. I choose to eat alone in my room than be part of negativity. I’ve had bad experiences from other schools where teachers say unkind things. I’ve personally been bullied by this kind of people. It makes me sad they do not admit they have unkind tensions and would say I’m sensitive. It’s sad that this are suppose to be the role models.
LikeLike
Are you a teacher in the United States?
LikeLike
Yes. I’m a yoga teacher in the United States.
LikeLike
Paula, I too used to automatically assume it was something I did that made people treat me badly, I still have to fight the urge to fix every one’s bad mood; but fight it I do.
No longer do I feel it is necessary for everyone to like me, nor is it my problem if they are having a bad day, month or year. I like me and I know I don’t ever do anything to hurt someone on purpose and I know if I have and will apologize. Like the people who owe the dog that my dog attacked. They went on a campaign to get everyone on their “side” afterwards and refuse to talk to me. I really don’t understand but they must feel justified for some reason. I did the responsible thing, I put my dog down (the hardest thing I ever had to do), I paid the vet bills, I bought them a bottle of wine and wrote them a very heartfelt apology letter. Their dog was healed and running around a week later, mine is dead.
I took responsibility and now they can kiss my ass. No time for bull shit. Done with bull shit, so many more important things to do with my time than suck up to someone who has their head up their butt.
Merry Christmas!!
Hugs
Carrie
LikeLike
Merry Christmas, Carrie!! XOXO
LikeLike
Gertmcqueen,
Is that McQueen or McCoy…or Hatfield…
Signed,
Stronger somewhere in Canada.
LikeLike
it seems there are more mean people today…than even a year ago?
LikeLike
Ohhh Paula, I was so like you. I always used to think I had done or said something wrong to people like that. In a way there’s still a part of my personality that still gets hurt by those type of people. The only thing changed I suppose is that I try to keep clear of them. Have a great weekend, hugs Paula xxx
LikeLike
The house I live in now I purchased post-divorce (closed Jan 2012) and I have had nothing but issues with one of my neighbors. The woman next door is miserable. She hates me because [ fill in blank ]. I have no idea why she dislikes me. She hated me right out of the gate. Maybe it’s because I’m single and she has been tasked with taking care of her husband who has had a stroke. Maybe it is because she is in poor health, overweight and suffers from joint problems. Maybe it is because she sees me doing it all on my own, not relying on anyone else, and this pisses her off. Who the f*ck knows what goes on inside people’s heads. She’s managed to poison the minds of her two 20-something year old sons too – so much so that one of them has taken to driving over my part of the lawn that abuts their lawn. So I had to resort to hiring a fence company to install a privacy fence. So do you want to know how they got back at me for the fence, her sons have taken to driving over my FRONT LAWN! This has happened a few times now. So, next year I am going to have to call the fence company, have them come back and install a fence in front of my home, spending money I do not have, just to protect my property from miserable people who have nothing better to do than make other people’s lives miserable.
Nice, huh?
😐
LikeLike
Girl for Animal Liberation,
I’m going through something similar with my boss. Not the same but similar. All a person can do is protect themselves. No sense escalating things. Hopefully they’ll sell their house and move away. I feel for you. Sometimes people don’t like us just because we have something they don’t, whether it be singleness, marriage, looks, money, fitness, or whatever.
Signed,
Stronger now somewhere in Canada.
LikeLike
love it! I have a neighbor that is so full of herself that it is funny just to watch her behavior towards me. She doesn’t like me! Do I care? She doesn’t like me because I have called her and her husband on their negative behaviors, that’s plural. The behavior is one of disruption of my peace and violations of basic common consideration for one’s immediate neighbor. We share the same bedroom wall and they are noisy loud and had an animal that kept me awake every night for 4 months before I called the police! We are talking here about seniors, in senior HOUSING! Some people never grow up. At the moment all’s well because I moved my bed into my living room giving me a separation of a room from their nonsense AND every morning at 7am I turn on my classical radio station and that pisses them off! Do I care?? Hell no! I don’t live in that building to have FRIENDS or a SOCIAL CLUB. and no one ever disrupts my sleep without paying a price! I don’t mind my bed in the living room and I get a lot of satisfaction when I’m watching my movies in my ‘former’ bedroom and they, next door, don’t like the volume level…pay-back’s a bitch. Never start something if you can’t take the consequences. Never underestimate someone.
I go about my day mindfully aware that I live my life without compromising myself or my standards. Mean people are everywhere! Know them and ignore them. In many ways they are source of great amusement when they attempt to ‘punish’ you and you refuse to be punished. I also ‘kill them with kindness’. Oh they hate that…how dare I say ‘good morning’ to them! But others in the building have noticed! They go out of their way to be NICE to me.
thanks Paula
LikeLike