Paranoia and fear are often the root of a narcissistic sociopath’s behavior. He fears being judged and ridiculed the way he judges and ridicules others. He fears being cheated on or abandoned just as he cheats on and abandons his partners, one after the other.
The tragedy is that all of this fear and paranoia is manifested from the vapors and imagination of the narcissist’s disordered mind due to his own shitty behavior. None of these fears are due to the actions or words of the narcissist’s current or past partners, his unsuspecting victims. Because he judges without care, cheats with impunity, and feels entitled to anything and everything he covets, he assumes all others do, as well. He is convinced good people think like him. He couldn’t be more wrong! This is his downfall. His is the mind and thought process of a fool.
No one wants to be him, look like him, or have what he has. Because he is ugly on the inside, and it shows on the outside. (And it’s going to get more noticeable as he gets older.)
He has no friends, he loses his girlfriends like a child loses toys, his family despises him, his workers and coworkers tolerate him, and the people he thinks he has wrapped around his finger just humor him. Everyone is on to him, and he’s the butt of our jokes.
But it is futile to confront him or argue with the narcissistic sociopath. Why? Because we can’t defeat a man who has fooled himself from the inside out. It’s best to leave him alone in his sandbox. One day he’ll realize that he’s the one who keeps rubbing sand in his own face, no one else.
Your Healing Frequency 
30 responses to “Why fighting back against a narcissist is futile”
Paula,
I married the narcissist exactly a month ago, and I can’t believe how everything has gone downhill since then. Weekly we have to sit down and work on my “issues,” and I have to talk to him about what I’m doing to correct them. Until I do so, he withdraws love and any kind of affection at all, going so far as to ignore e. No matter if I don’t agree with his assessment of my issues–I have to listen to lecture after lecture after lecture.
The night he proposed, we were in the midst of one of the worst fights we had ever had. He stayed down on his knee while I gave them all the reasons why it wasn’t right and especially not the right time. He began crying and talking about how he had things he needed to work on, he needs me to go to counseling with him, etc. until, of course, my empathetic heart melted and I was hooked back in.
Since then, we have not discussed any of his issues, nor have we gone back to counseling. When I suggest workbooks or any other outside help, he tells me that he knows how to have a successful relationship and that he can help us grow and get through my issues. Now I understand he needed to make sure he could continue to brainwash me.
Recently, his house was broken into twice (the house he was SUPPOSED to be getting ready to sell for the last 3 months), and I’m afraid his false self is crumbling quickly. He has spent the last four nights at his home, only leaving long enough to pick up our son and drop him off at my house or come over to get him ready for school. He also told me in no uncertain terms that he blamed the break-in on me because he was having to spend so much time at my house. Hello, we’re married?
Instead of getting valuables out of his house or putting everything in storage to deter further break-ins he’s over there with a gun in hand protecting his shell of a home while his family (in the same neighborhood where break-ins occurred) are sitting ducks. When I tell him how I’m feeling about it he says I’m emasculating him! It seems he’s doing a pretty good job of it himself.
We’re in a state where an annulment is difficult, and I feel stuck and embarrassed and don’t know what to do. I’ve alienated all of my friends in family because I have chosen to stick up for him. Only the people who don’t know the truth think everything is fine. I’m torn between wanting a marriage to work and feeling like the rest of my life looks like hell. I’ll still have to deal with him because we have a sweet little boy together.
I can’t sleep, have lost so much weight, and feel so stupid for falling for his hook again! When I try to hold him to promises it’s like he never heard me (even if I have them in a text or email).
Any advice or just some understanding from anyone who has been through this is like finding water in the desert.
Sucked Dry 😦
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Can you remove my name? Didn’t realize that was going to show!
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Yes. I won’t approve it with your name. 🙂
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Sucked Dry, My advice is for you to reach out to those who you have alienated. Be humble. Admit you were wrong. I KNOW how deep the shame and embarrassment must be, but those people love you, that’s why they can’t see you like you are now. They are waiting for you to come to them. Trust me. They want to help, but you were/are an addict, addicted to this man and his drama, and you weren’t ready for their previous intervention…would you agree?
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I am just finding this site and everything is resonating with me so much. It is a relief to know that I’m not the only one who fell for his textbook charm but it is adding to the pain of the realization that all we had was false and my soulmate is in fact just a narc and sociopath. I am very type A and logic minded so it made me crazy trying to no avail understand him, make sense of the non-sensical, and get him to take responsibility, admit he was lying and cheating, and show some remorse and empathy for me. And it was maddening to watch him use and then discard me but still get everything he wanted (praise, great job, lots of money, fancy house, ex wife who thinks he is now ‘a great guy”, kids who adore him, parents and friends who say he has become so much more calm and kind, a new girlfriend, …). Do you think he will one day be punished for this, exposed to his kids and others for he really is or will they always believe his lies and never see behind the mask because he is their daddy? And even though he recently still lied to and cheated on me, is it possible that he has changed in other ways and is genuinely a better person now?
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Elena, He hasn’t changed and there is little doubt that he will feel the pain of his actions some day. It may not be until the moment he dies, but the pain will eventually be felt. Has he changed? No. He’s just gotten better at hiding his true nature longer and the people in his life are simply being duped and manipulated just as you were. They may be giving him exactly what he craves and that’s why he seems so happy, but so what! It’s not like he has the market cornered on happiness, right? He’s not the only one who can be happy, right? And you know you certainly can’t and weren’t happy with him, so you must accept that. He’s not someone you can be proud of or even someone you truly desire to be with. Currently, you are experiencing the chemical reaction and harsh reality of the betrayal bond. Your need to be needed and loved by him is simply an addictive reactive to something that was unfairly snatched away from you before you were ready for it to be snatched away.
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Sociopaths are capable of deciphering right from wrong. The sit perched on the back of some unsuspecting person and lie. cheat, steal. These turds thrive on watching the reaction of the person they torture. Its like walking around with a bad guy in a movie, except you don’t know he was the bad guy. But he does. He orchestrates your demise in private, while befriending/loving you with pitiful overt actions towards you. While he congratulates you to your face on your accomplishments, secretly he despises your success..
I got to witness my exN fall on his sword. I found out about the affair. Found out and spoke with the other woman he was dating the same time he was dating me. She took him back even though she knew about the other women. I kicked him out. Soon after he was arrested at her place for $60K in back child support. He has lost his job,
he was going to school and has to pay fees there too, the car that he swindled money out of me for is impounded as a method to pay back child support. He should have been careful what he wished for. Because he got what he deserved.
I only met with him once at the prison to find out when he will be making payments back to me as he had signed a contract outlining the payment arrangements. No payments rec’vd. He refused the visit. I did my part legally to try and mitigate the loss by trying to negotiate a settlement with him. His loss. His arrogance is my friend. Since then, I have gone no contact. I am getting stronger. He on the other hand will be spending his 45th birthday in prison. While the other woman tries to “save him” despite all she knows. I hold her accountable now because she validated his bad behaviour as okay and has unwittingly encouraged him to continue what he does to more unsuspecting women.
I have gone no contact since and will continue that way.
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The only way to win is to walk away.
Let go of the rope, and whomever’s still tugging, falls in the mud….
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Dear Paula, up until last July I never knew what a Narcissist was. But it was the answer I came to discover after being discarded twice in my life by the same, at the age of 18 and 50. Any yes, he said we were soul mates that found each other after all these years.It has only been through reading of Narc’s on the internet, facebook and blogs such as yours that I have been able to put this relationship into perspective.
thank you
Ivonne
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I’m glad you found my blog and others, Ivonne. I went through similar struggles. I didn’t know what “he” was until after I left and struggled to understand my part in the entire relationship. I first read about narcissists in material at my counselors office. I spent hours searching the internet for more and more information. It was such a relief to be able to put a name to it and realize I wasn’t alone in my healing and recovery. I’ve leaned on a lot of family and strangers. 🙂
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It is sad though when they fool their own children and when the kids become adults and are alienated from a loving parent, everyone loses except the narcissist.
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wonderful post, I agree with all that has been said here
I’m reblogging this…in my case and perhaps others, exposure of their deeds and words are the way to ‘fight back’, we have found that using ‘her’ (my narcissist and sociopath) is the way to go, for she is so unconscious.
thanks for telling it like it is
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Absolutely! Expose them for the crappy people they are. It doesn’t matter if they end up lying and telling everyone we’re crazy and lying. That’s expected. But their shit is out there for the world to read and know. It’s out there so everyone knows what to look out for and what not to tolerate. They can only hide for so long. They can only keep saying, “It wasn’t me! I swear it wasn’t me! She’s crazy! She’s making it up!” for so long until everyone abandons them. No one likes a lying abusive asshole. No one. Thanks, Gert!
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Reblogged this on Reclaiming the Sippel-Herr Family Honor and commented:
BUT EXPOSING THEIR DIRTY DEEDS IS SOMETHING WE CAN DO…
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[…] do they work so quickly? As noted in my previous post, narcissistic sociopaths can’t stand to be alone, and they fear being abandoned. At first, […]
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Paula I always enjoy reading your posts. Too many people suffer in bad relationships for fear of living alone. You explain the situation so well.
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Thank you, Shirley. 🙂
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Wow, Paula! So needed to hear this as my husband prepares to have to deal with his ex- over changes in child support becuase she lost her job ( of course, being a narcissist, the job loss is SO not her fault and of course, she believes my husband would now like to support her- b/c gee whiz, who wouldn’t want to support such an awesome, wonderful person) Thanks for saying the part about “fooled from the inside out”
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I wish your husband much patience. Thank you, Kimberly. 🙂
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sadly i don’t think they will ever realize they are bringing it on themselves.
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I think you’re right, Zoe. 🙂
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Perfectly put, Paula. No engaging these people may be a challenge at first, but is IS the only way to deal with them. Thank you!
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You’re welcome. 🙂
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So True !
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So sad, and so true. I love that picture! Really sums up what must be going on in the Narc’s mind.
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Totally agree with this post, Paula. It’s almost like they twist one of basic principles of Christian faith. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” becomes “Screw others before they screw you…” I have witnessed first hand on several occasions how these people function on the basis that everyone around them functions the same as they do, so for them it’s simply a matter of beating everyone else to the punch.
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Great way of putting it, Ray. They anticipate something that wouldn’t happen if they would just let go of their fears and paranoia. But they’ll never get that.
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I’m finding myself wanting to fight back. I want to tell my ex that when he tries to be a cool 20 year old best friend to our 15 year old son, it makes him look stupid and pathetic. I want to tell him that our 15 year old doesn’t buy his bullshit, he only puts up with it because he hopes that eventually his father will be a parent. I want to protect my kids from this jerk, but, like you said, fighting back is really futile. We just have to wait for the kids to figure him out on their own.
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not fighting back is so difficult. I try to rationalize with a sociopath, well because my brain is logical and everything a sociopath does is so illogical, that it freaks out my brain…so I end up psychoanalyzing his behavior, trying to talk common sense with him, clearly detail the continued contradictions to him….NOTHING WORKS!
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Not fighting back takes a lot of patience and it also takes resigning ourselves to the fact that they will never and can never change. It’s impossible for them to think outside their own warped reality. The rest of us do it daily. We put ourselves in other people’s shoes so we do the right thing or make the right choice. Narcissists/sociopaths aren’t capable.
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