Will You Be My Next Soul Mate?The idea of a soul mate is very romantic. To meet someone else in this world of billions who shares your same values, interests, desires, and goals is an exhilarating notion, don’t you think? It’s possible to meet someone who, at any given moment in time, is at the same place you are geographically and spiritually. But to think two people can remain on a joint wavelength over many, many years is, in my mind, a set up for failure. Yet, we continue to watch those silly movies that end in “happily ever after” and fool ourselves into thinking it’s real.

Enter the narcissistic sociopath. A master at making the magic SEEM real just long enough to send you spiraling into a fog. The following was written by Jennifer Smith, blogger at true love scam:

[The narcissist as our] “SOUL MATE” is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his ‘idealization’ of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde.

Why do they work so quickly? As noted in my previous post, narcissistic sociopaths can’t stand to be alone, and they fear being abandoned. At first, knowing this may make you want to pity such an unfortunate creature and help him change his attitude about life, love, and relationships. But don’t be fooled. The narcissist has no interest in changing. He subconsciously enjoys and feeds off of his own self-destructive nature.

On the surface, it doesn’t seem like that is possible. But once you start learning about his past relationships and how he coped by blaming “them” and not himself, you start to wonder. How could such a romantic and loving guy always end up losing the girl? Or falling out of love with her?

I have come to understand the following: the narcissist simply enjoys being in the throes of the newness of love. The newness of first meeting and the ego boost/narcissistic supply is intoxicating to him; and he blossoms at this stage (like we all do, right?) But the narcissist takes this stage to the extreme and foolishly believes and expects it to last for eternity. He creates and shares romantic visions of the future. He talks about growing old together. He puts his love interest on a pedestal. She is the most beautiful, the smartest, the best mother, the most ambitious. He never wants to leave her side or spend a night without her. And he says these things to her repeatedly, like a mantra or a prayer, that is meant to hypnotize her into full and complete submission. This is when he plants his seeds of control and domination, the foundation for future abuse.

The woman inhales and ingests his words. The words make her think he is a man who has spent his entire life looking for the perfect woman and has FINALLY found her. She is “The One.” She feels special. She feels unique. But little does she know that his words to her are the exact same words he used with every single woman who came before her. He used them on his first wife. He used them on his fiancée that he proposed to just days after he kicked his wife out of his house. He used them on the new woman he proposed to after he kicked his fiancée out of his house. And so on. There is NOTHING unique or exceptional about her, about YOU! The only thing unique and exceptional about you is that you came AFTER them. You are next in line. The narcissist never learned from his previous relationships. He may tell you he has and that he never makes the same mistake twice. That just means he never makes the same mistake twice with the same person. There’s a difference.

You are fresh and pure and filled with naiveté and ignorance about what is inevitably going to sneak up on you and slap you in the face. You are not his soul mate; you are not the one. You are his “right now” that he hopes he can control. The ones who came before you were crazy because they were out of his control. They weren’t “out of control” just out of HIS control. And to him that equals crazy. If you know who you are and like yourself, you’ll be the next one who becomes out of control. The next one he calls crazy. Just wait and see.

If the narcissistic sociopath’s idea of a soul mate is wrong, then what IS a Soul Mate?

  • A soul mate is a person who wants to be your best friend as much as he wants to be your lover.
  • A soul mate praises you when you need praise. A soul mate never tries to diminish your successes.
  • A soul mate doesn’t expect or even desire perfection. A soul mate accepts you as you are but encourages you if you seek to better yourself. A soul mate never says your efforts will be in vain.
  • A soul mate nurtures you when you need nurtured. A soul mate can sense when you are feeling weak and tries to lift you up. A soul mate doesn’t use your moment of weakness to bring you down further.
  • A soul mate never blames you for anything; instead, a soul mate helps you come up with a solution.
  • A soul mate allows you to blossom and pursue all of your interests even if it means making new friends and being separated for a little while. A soul mate never feels jealous of others you share a bond.
  • A soul mate respects your mind and respects your family and respects your past mistakes and past successes. A soul mate never belittles or shames you.
  • A soul mate sets you free and never tries to control who you talk to, where you shop, what you buy, when you buy it, how you dress, how you walk, how you love your children, or ANY action that makes you the person you were born to be.

A soul mate exists for each of us but it takes work, dedication, care, and lots and lots of patience and love for a “happily ever after.”

We create the magic in our own lives. It doesn’t just happen. Don’t be fooled by those pushy narcissists who have no idea how to love themselves let alone love another. Peace.

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abuse, Child abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Forgiveness, Friends, Health, Journaling, Kids, Lessons, Love, Mental Health, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD, Peace, Poetry, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality, Writing
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Join the conversation! 226 Comments

  1. I am convinced I married a psychopath/sociopath/narcissist. I apologize if this is poorly written I am partially doing this for my own therapeutic reasons. I am disgusted beyond measure.

    We met at a party. I was on and off with an abusive boyfriend at the time. I was 19 and just starting out in my career, and I was very naive and insecure. He was so sexy to me. He had it all together in my eyes. he was someone who I could see myself building a life with. He love bombed the shit out of me. He told me he wanted me to have his babies on the first night we met. I was amazed as I had never met such an emotionally available man before who wore his heart on his sleeve. And he wanted children!

    I moved in to his place after just a month of dating. I was hooked. Shortly after this he began to change his behavior. He was always moody and brooding, and I felt nervous around him like it was me who was making him uncomfortable. He would make hurtful comments and pack my things up when he was mad like he was kicking me out. I would go to give him his key with tears in my eyes and then he would totally switch and be tender as hell asking me to stay. I was utterly perplexed. I ALWAYS felt emotionally unfulfilled in the relationship. I always told myself that I would gain his trust with time. I am a good woman, not the slut he is making me out to be in his head!

    I didn’t know he had a history of substance abuse until he revealed his pain pill addiction. I have never known him to be sober for any length of time. He always blamed his behavior on the alcohol or drug he was using and I believed him because I’ve never known him any other way.

    The cheating accusations and general distrust continued heavily over the course of our 4 year marriage. He was convinced I was after his money and that I was using him for health insurance. Now I know he was projecting his infidelity onto me. He wouldn’t let me go out with my friends. When I rebelled and went out anyway he would break my things and give me the silent treatment for weeks.

    He started being physically violent when I was pregnant with our first child. I was heartbroken because I felt as if it was too late to leave because we were having a baby! I was fully invested. I gave birth to our beautiful daughter. He took 4 weeks off of work and got high with his friends the ENTIRE time. He left me at home with a newborn and didn’t offer any kind help. He did,however, harass me about money and going back to work. His mother did as well along with threatening to take my baby because I cried tears of joy which obviously meant I had PPD and was an unfit mother.

    I was fed up when my daughter was 4 months old. I left her with my mom and went to pack my shit. He was there and was unpacking my stuff as I went and throwing it at me. He also severely physically abused me. The house was destroyed when he was done, and he sped off on his motorcycle. We seperated and my daughter and I moved in with my parents.

    He started hoovering me and love bombing me again saying he would change, and I was dumb and believed him. He took me out for a date and brought along his sex offender friend that I begged him to stop talking to because of our child. He then got thrown out of the bar because two men complimented him on how pretty I was. He hit me in the elevator in front of a woman. The police were called and he fled the scene IN MY CAR. My dad had to come pick me up. I found out the next day that he vandalized my car.

    He somehow convinced me to drop charges and dismiss protection orders and full custody petitions. Love-bomb, devalue, discard. It’s a cycle.

    Another physical altercation. This time I took my daughter and left the home. The next morning I woke up to messages that he called 911 and there was a warrant out for MY arrest. He lied to the police and almost got in trouble himself. The charges were dropped against me, and luckily for him they decided not to press charges for lying because he claimed he was drunk.

    I got pregnant with our second daughter. He took 6 WEEKS off of work to get high with his friends and not bond with his child. All the while complaining about money. I felt guilty and returned to work after just 4-5 weeks. He offered zero support for me or the kids. I left. He hoovered. I went back. My mental state and self esteem was quickly dwindling.

    A year later I was exhausted from working and basically being a single parent. The arguments were frequent. One night he got physical again. He took my phone(because is was HIS) and car so I couldn’t call police. I went to the neighbors to use the phone. He was arrested. We seperated for 4 months, I thought I was home free. Then he hoovered, and I went back.

    I quit my job to be a SAHM. Things were actually okay for a while being the submissive at home wife and mom. Then he started selling drugs and trying to sleep with my ‘friends’ and even my mom! He got physical again! Shocking! Now he is facing felony charges and I am on the path to obtaining full custody and making a full mental recovery. This was without a doubt the worst 5 years of my life when they should have been the happiest. Even my family has been mentally beat down by this man.

    The narc will dig his own grave you just have to let him. And run for your life in the mean time! He has already moved on to new supply. She better hope he goes to prison!

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  2. You do realize by labeling these selfish lying picks as narcissists, sex addicts as what not just makes an excuse for them right? You all think too hard about it. They are simply lying selfish assholes. There is no need for some fancy term that actually makes it seem like they can’t help or control it. They kniw damn well what pieces of shit they are and if you are all so god damned hurt and devastated why the fuck would you want to be doing them a favor? This psychoanalyzation fad needs to be put to rest.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Identifying what they are is less about “them” and more about validating ourselves after being falsely psychoanalyzed and abused (mentally, emotionally, physically) inside the toxic relationship by the psycho/socio/Narc. It’s about OUR ability to accept, heal and move forward. And for many who have children with theses people or they are the child or family member of one of these people, understanding the personality disorder helps them navigate around the BS and triangulations. It helps them articulate into words, finally, what only caused deep confusion and cognitive dissonance in the past. if you’re more comfortable labeling them as selfish, lying pricks, great. But don’t expect everyone to be content with stopping there just because you are. Regardless of what we call them or how we deal with them, they will come up with a better excuse as to why everyone should pity them and let them off the hook. So be it. Their excuses don’t impact the validation many of us feel once we see what they really are and begin dissolving the shame and blame.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Hi I totally AGREE with YOU!!! BUT there’s just 1 LITTLE THING I THINK WAS OVER SEEN! We are in the END DAYS! NO LIE! I have had TOO Many relationshipships. Not to sound concieted. But I have lived a totally disfunctional life from day 1. Starting from my Mother. I was raised STRICT Catholic. I did Catholic school with Ds and Es inand As in religion. I had a strong bond with God and Jesus. OK I m getting to the point! Now all I see growing up is that Name Narsistic I ll be 56 yrs old in August I never grew up with that name. All men were that! All the same. But different. Generally there was drug addiction(alcohol mainly. But now I tell you my Sisters. That there is more than meets the eye. It’s called satan possession. I know this because I saw the devil in quite a few people in my life. Even my Mother toward the end of her life. That Doctor Jekll your speaking of is satan himself. Notice I do not capitalize his name. BE VERY CAREFUL SISTERS. There is a reason for this WIERD BIZZARE SRANGE CRAZY PERVERTED CONTROL FREAK. Did I get it all??? I have part 2 of this story that would explain WHY? Does anyone ever thing about WHY? In order to fix something you generally know how it was broken. Many of Serial killers did not have abusive childhoods. So what else? If they are Sociapaths. There Capable of ANYTHING!! I have almost been killed a few times by men. Or almost killed a few. I fled with the GRACE OF GOD! Just Barely. I hope (Pray that I also help some poor Soul fellow Sister to look for those signs. Satan’s devises are MANY!!! If and who reads my blog Please take head in what I say. And. I will show you the scriptures.on all I tell you! I say to ALL MY BEAUTIFUL SISTERS OUT THERE. ILOVE YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH. AND YOUR ALL IN MY PRAYERS. Some of us get Way trapped in the devils snare. And it’s JUST NOT THAT EASY to get away. The end of this blog is I met that total Narsistic person your talking about. He hides in the corner like a spider waiting to catch a fly. Sometimes it’s fatal. Pray and BE VERY CLOSE to GOD OUR FATHER in Heaven. Named Jehova. Bye Girls!!! Ps. If you want any info from true experience. My email is yulbossio90@gmail.com. I d be happy to help any way I can. God Be With You Always. Juls

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    • Most guys are searching for an answer. The longer it takes to find one, the crazier a guy can go (narcissistic sociopaths may not be malicious, only lost, so hang on to judgements and don’t be their answer). I have allowed life to defeat me wherever it wants in search of my answer and here and there, I test my own will out, which usually ends in disaster. So I simply wait now, rather than try. My answer is really a theory that I now bet my life on; that infinity must be, or contain, infinite consciousness. Love could be a place for such a consciousness. Anything becomes possible. Relating this knowledge to life as we are bound to live it has produced a few instances of Nirvana for me to experience and learn from. I have also been turned away from this feeling against my will when I try to obtain it.

      I’m sharing this because it is the answer for those who are lost in life. If you’re a guy who’s already bet their life on some worldly belief (including christianity or some other form of indoctrination), then there will be nothing I can do to convince you otherwise and you will have a rebirth (believe it or not it doesn’t affect me). Also, anyone is welcome to wonder how I can know something like this, and I can tell you it stems from the Nirvana experience which is the least refutable thing I have ever experienced. It is more real than our reality. I understand that ‘Nirvana’ and ‘more real’ are hard to understand for many. That’s the challenge, and the life.

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    • Thank you, Jason. I understand and appreciate you sharing your insight. These experiences can only serve us if we’re open to expanding beyond our own limitations and conditioning.

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  3. I have found this site this evening in a desperate attempt to understand my situation right now. Some of you will read and hate me. Some I hope will understand.
    A year ago I met a man on a date site. We met for coffee. We left with will call you. I wasn’t immediately keen but liked him. I was also nervous having been ditched by my ex of 22 years saying he never loved anymore and chased the younger model.
    So over a year later I ventured into the date game
    The new man kept in contact regularly and it almost became a nightly session calling each other . Saying what happened in our day. Suddenly things changed and we became more linked more accepting more needy to speak everyday.
    After four months we agreed to meet again. Crazy but I thought I could really grow for you. I enjoyed our chats meetings thereafter. We met and then I stayed weekend at his. Was so scared so nervous I felt alive for the first time in years. As time went on I stayed more and we became close. He was single. Few ex girlfriends. History etc but we all have so I never questioned anything
    Why should I. He was on date site after all
    He booked and paid for a holiday abroad. We went and I was thrilled. Amazing time. Treated like a princess.
    One day on trip out I looked at his camera. A picture of a woman? Questioned this was a friend. Nothing more. He is allowed friends?

    I cried ran to the loo! But not wanting to spoil a lovely holiday resumed the position.
    A week later I stayed over and found a utility bill in someone’s name. The same name as the woman in the photo. I never said a thing but took this and left

    I dug and dug until I found what I was looking for. The link. This link was his fiancée. Engaged for ten years plus, I arrived late at night to confront him unannounced.
    He was distraught. Said if he told me he would loose me. He loved me but too weak to break off fiancée . Didn’t want hurt her.
    The truth was out. It transpired the hotel the place all of it was the same place he had taken her
    The gaps filled in with made up stories re his life
    The various bathroom accessories were not free gifts but belonged to her. – she lives away

    Several things were let slip on holiday. I chewed over. I kept thinking something is not as should be? Why am I feeling this but too stupid to run with feelings
    The family meetings that never happened. The I don’t take my phone with me away etc
    And a whole cascade of events that never happened and a storybook of what supposedly did Happen but all lies.
    I wanted to be wanted. To be loved again to have someone say I was important cared for the only person in the world that mattered.
    After I confronted him that night I yelled shouted and left and went to her address but he was unaware

    I said do you know anything? do you know what he has done? Obviously not.
    So two tearful angry woman. Where next. Two weeks gone and I got the call. Misses me . Loves me. Didn’t want to loose me. Couldn’t say how felt as scared I would walk.
    So I gave Him another chance. I told his ex I was giving him a chance. I felt dreadful but feel I love this man

    He buys things . Told me he would not see her again. Said key to house. Said wants grow old with me. Will do anything for me. Said my call re relationship but won’t go back to her ever.
    Told me the relationship had fizzled out with her years before And even if we split he won’t go back. Said no physical relationship no lost love, life just plodded on.
    She has since seen him as. a last visit to answer questions. Which I understand but she also wants him back

    I want to trust him. I really do. He makes me feel whole again. Am I dealing with a crazy man. I am early 50s and plenty of life in this old bird! But right now I don’t know where to turn. My stomach churns at night. When I don’t get an answer on phone I stress out. I want to question his every move. Not healthy
    I feel dreadful for this other woman I truly do. I even apologised to her saying I had no idea. I said I would never have become involved if I had known . It happened to me so I understood but this does not take away where to go from here.
    Is this an affair or a serial monogamist of sorts in action.

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  4. I was married for 18 years to a narcissistic sociopath “sex addict.” I never believed that he was my “soul mate,” nor did I believe he was my Prince Charming. But, he duped me, and he duped my children and family throughout 16 of those 18 years. I could describe many things to you, and it would sound the same as everyone’s story posted here.
    I was a single mother with four children when I met my “husband.” I had moved to Texas for a teaching position, and I felt empowered, I was independent, self-sufficient, and beginning a financially solid future. I was determined to save well for a healthy retirement, and it was one of my primary goals. I discussed frequently discussed finances with my husband, and encouraged him to save, also. He worked as an engineering consultant, traveled for projects during most weeks, and made close to well over $200,000.00 per year – BUT he was RECKLESS with money. I started to save more, and talked to him about ways to create solid savings for him. He would NEVER sit down and work out a plan.
    WHY?

    Because he NEVER intended to stay with me! In fact, he planned for years to set me up once I reached age 60 so that I would lose my life savings.

    I am NOT KIDDING! Who would believe such an ugly story?

    I did not believe it.

    I had an option to begin a “phased retirement” program, and I have saved enough so that if I did not touch the fund for five years, I would be okay for the rest of my life. With the phased retirement program, I would teach part time and my savings would continued to be invested. My husband pleaded with me to take the opportunity, actually challenging me to trust him, to allow him to “gift” me with time for writing – I was worried, and not sure, but he was so persistent, and so kind and sweet, I decided to do it – although there was no going back – no way to change it later.

    One month after the contract was signed, my husband told me he was a SEX ADDICT, that he had been betraying me throughout our entire marriage, that he had more than 100 sexual affairs!

    I was horrified! I was shattered. And I was enraged that I had forfeited my income and was no longer financially independent!

    He told me that he was afraid I would leave so he could not tell me, he told me a million more lies, and he started therapy – with a total of nine therapists – each one believing his lies. One therapist, a national leader in sex addiction, finally told me that my husband had intended all along to destroy me, to wait until I was at retirement age to intentionally shatter my big goal in life!

    Intentional.

    I also realized he was engaged to another woman when he told me, and then he told her that he was a sex addict, also, to get out of that relationship. He had affairs with 37 more women while he was supposedly “in recovery,” and he lied and lied and lied and lied and lied until finally nothing he said meant anything at all. BUT each new therapist believed him, and his 12-Step fellow sex-addicts believed him, and each new woman believed him.

    Then, he closed all bank accounts, he charged me with fraud and forgery, he filed a divorce – because he had a new target – a wealthy widow – ten years older than him! He filed divorce, and convinced his attorneys that I had money. The judge refused to provide any temporary alimony, any help with household bills.

    Then my husband stopped paying the mortgage, and the court would not rule that he pay it, because he convinced them that I had “drained accounts,” that I “kicked him out of the house,” that he was “forced to fend for himself.”

    I ended up with severe PTSD, I could no longer teach at all, and I was forced to withdraw my retirement savings to pay medical insurance, medical bills, utilities, auto insurance, homeowner’s insurance, auto repairs, and outrageous legal bills for attorneys who were only sucking up my money.

    I had to get rid of my attorney, represent myself, I lost my home, and my savings are gone.
    GONE.

    Today, I received papers from the court – No alimony – No reimbursements for bills I paid – NOTHING. NOTHING.

    I am 62-years-old, and I am numb. NUMB.

    SAVE YOUR MONEY. HIDE YOUR MONEY. DO NOT EVER SHARE YOUR MONEY. PROTECT YOUR ASSETS. EVERY SINGLE PENNY.

    The courts are corrupt, and the narcissistic sociopath is a terrifyingly convincing liar –

    I believed him, why wouldn’t everyone else believe him?

    How did this happen to me? I dislike any psychological theory that claims that some “thing” in my past led me to marry a sociopath – NOTHING leads women to marry pathological liars. Why did the judge believe him? Why did his attorneys believe him? Why do his therapists believe him? Why do other sex addicts believe him? Why does his new perhaps already married “new wife” believe him? Why do her children believe him?

    Does everyone have something in their past that leads them to believe a narcissistic sociopath/ sex addict?

    NO. They are liars. Con men. Dupers. Manipulators.

    I was certainly naive. I have certainly learned that there are evil people in this world, and they will not ever change – they do not want to change – and they do not care about anyone at all. They are dangerous predators.

    I am sure that he is gloating, as he achieved precisely what he set out to achieve. And he is surrounded by his new partner, her adult children, his 12-Step colleagues, his new community, all believing that I am an angry woman who is “too angry,” or “too traumatized,” or “too bitter,”as he has told them. He explains that he did everything possible to help me “recover,” to “heal,” that he tried to be as supportive as humanly possible, but I simply would not forgive him and move forward – that he was, finally, forced to move on, although he loved me and wanted for us to work things out.

    ABSOLUTE LIES. He was terrifying and cruel and vicious – He called me up and “reported” new sexual conquests, he called police and reported me for “forgery” (on a joint bank account!), he closed accounts, he made me beg for money, and he raged and raged and raged. He had sex with 37 more women – because he “couldn’t stop” and he claimed it was because I was not “compassionate,” “not supportive,” and that I “shamed” him –

    I am not exaggerating – I am UNDER STATING the horror.

    But, I am alive, I am healing, I am returning to my usual sense of joy…
    I believe that somehow, I will find my way and I will create my own financial safety all over again.

    I suggest that any woman who has a partner who has betrayed her DEMAND a financial post-nuptial BEFORE participating in any partners counseling, marriage therapy, or any attempt to “restore” the relationship. IF he doesn’t want to ensure your financial safety, he doesn’t care in the least about you. Then, RUN. RUN as fast as you can run. And protect yourself.

    Katrina

    Liked by 2 people

    • wow sounds so much like what happened to me, only I got lucky sort of.

      While on his 6th vacation last year, my husband had a massive stroke went into a medically induced coma and passed away a few months ago.

      We had a business together. He started dealing in lot’s of cash (no paper trail) we were still divorcing.

      So I am a widow and not a divorcee.

      Nothing was left. Except for a lot of debt. Not sure if the bookkeeper or the girlfriend got most of it. There were bundles of cash and cashiers checks. The bookkeeper took his new Harley Davidson and put it in her name while he was in a coma. The girlfriend cleaned out everything from the condo, since her name was on the lease.

      He left a lot of debt, lost a lot of company goodwill, and cleaned out the business and it’s supplies.

      The business is anemic from the complete neglect and pillaging for the last 4 years. But surprisingly it is still paying for itself.

      Nobody wants to help, the police, DMV fraud, all say that it is a civil matter, so I have to sue the bookkeeper for the last 4 years of embezzlement and fraud. She helped him conceal the money.

      Just what I feel like doing, after 4 years of going to court for the divorce. At least I will know my way around the court house and will be able to understand and do most of the legal filing myself.

      Right now, I don’t know if I have the stomach for it.

      Because we share a son, I went to his memorial last month to support my son. So many people showed up and so many of them just sneered at me. I am the money grubbing x wife who drove him to his grave.

      Now I am hearing about the wild stories that he told people about me. A lot of the fabricated stories were even going on while we were married. We were married for 20 years and he spent more than half of those complaining to others about me. And here I was just trying to be a supportive wife.

      That betrayal cuts deep.

      I just turned 62 years old more than a week ago and I feel like I am starting over too.

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  5. I just had one of these narcissistic sociopaths tear through my life. I explained it to someone it was like he was a hurricane- he stormed into my life spun me around, twisted me up, and left as quickly as he came only leaving destruction and disorientation in his wake. I have had many healthy relationships and was completely shell shocked by his wreckless approach to love, and have been searching for answers for the past month since we broke up. I am so glad I came across this post, because no matter how many ways I explored what transpired between us, I could never make sense of what happened and this article was eye opening. He told me I was “the one” after 3 dates, asked me to move across country with him on the fourth date (thankfully I did not, as the move was 4 months down the line and that gave me enough time to get out), was intense and over bearing from day one until we broke up 3 months later with talking about the move, marriage, children. We seemed to have a lot in common so it was exciting but I was hesitant. The move was a lot of pressure and no matter how great he appeared and how into me he seemed to be- always peppering me with compliments of how perfect I am, how he’s never met anyone like me- I am someone who believes it takes time to truly get to know someone and wasn’t sure if I could give up my family, friends, career and home to move with him for his career after only knowing him for 4 months. Any attempt I made to talk about the move was shut down, we only talked about it on his terms. Everything happened so fast and he seemed so sincere about wanting me to move, that only in hindsight was it a clear red flag that the move was necessary for him(he had to go for the business he owns) but huge life changing decision for me and had he truly cared he would have done everything possible to make me feel comfortable with what was to come. He seemed annoyed by my hesitation, and I couldn’t understand that, I felt it was completely reasonable to have cold feet about moving with someone after only knowing them a short amount of time aka I was unwilling to be under his control and submit to his will. At some point, we hit our stride and our relationship became less about the move and more about being together (should have always been that way right?). He told me he was falling in love with me and I was overjoyed. I felt the same way about him, but was happy and let the moment be about him and his feelings. It wasn’t during a discussion, it was said randomly one evening and I was speechless but nodded and kissed him and showed him loving actions. I felt that he might be who I’ve been waiting for, he made me feel good, and when the pressure of the move was put on the back burner everything felt right. He left for a business trip for 2 days, he was busy and we barely texted or talked, when he came back he broke up with me, two days after he told me I was magical and he was falling in love with me with little contact, and certainly no negative contact, in between. Did I mention it was the day before my birthday? He told me he had a big surprise for me…I had never experienced or heard of such a quick 180 turn and of course was completely shocked and heart broken. I asked him why and he said on his business trip he felt pressure to move sooner and back when the move first came up months ago he’s said I had acted “crazy” and he no longer felt he could take me with him. Yep I was crazy for being scared to leave my home and everything I held dear for a man I barely knew. Not only was I reasonable in my fear (and obviously correct for having it) his claim totally ignored the fact time is fluid and that was then- months ago- and this was now and now was that we were falling in love. I even told him he felt vulnerable after saying he was falling in love with me and that it was his attempt to take control back, that if he wa sincere when he said it he shouldn’t unfeel it now because of something that happened before. He had no remorse or empathy, he didn’t care he ruined my birthday, he simply kept telling me I was crazy, which did not escape me at the time as being unfounded and untrue. He had also called almost all of his exes and girls he had dated crazy and I questioned him about it- why everyone else was crazy and why they weren’t entitled to their own feelings and just because he didn’t share that feeling made them crazy. He just said he didn’t have any clue where I was coming from, which I told him that he lacked empathy, understanding and care. I asked him why he continued to date me after I acted so “crazy” then? Why waste our time when we knew we had an expiration date? He said he did want it to work and didn’t want to give up. I said ok and you didn’t, we had a lot thrown at us at the beginning and it was stressful, we didn’t know each other well then and now we do and are falling in love, why break up now for something that is irrelevant to the present. He couldn’t answer. For the next month and a half he kept me in a holding pattern – changing his mind about having me move with him and then saying no he was moving alone. We continued like we never ended even, and there was no reason he had to ruin my birthday, because his reason that he had to “move immediately” was untrue as he only moved 2 weeks ahead of when we had planned on moving. Any pressure he felt he put on himself and it had less to do with his business and more to do with him controlling me. I’ve never experienced anything like it and have been soul searching since then to understand the emotional violation I felt took place. I read this post and was so taken aback, it felt like you were a fly on the wall of our relationship, and that it was written about Tim. It was so eerily spot on, from the idealization period and coming on stronger than anyone ever before, to him blossoming in the newness and moving on without remorse or care, to me feeling pity and wanting to help him, to him calling all his exes crazy then calling me crazy when he lost control/his hold on me, to me knowing who I am and liking myself and him being bothered by that and trying to belittle and demean me. It is the answer I was searching for and thank you for that. It made sense of the nonsensical situation that was Tim. I feel I can move forward now. The thing is, I don’t feel bad or foolish I believed him, I don’t want to be suspicious of people’s words, he’s a 35 year old man and should be able to manage his emotions, it’s not my fault he couldn’t, it’s not my fault I had hope and trust in him. It’s on him for lying, and taking advantage of someone who only cares for him. I was honest and open and loving to him and I can be proud of that. He’s much older than I am, but more clueless about life than anyone I’ve ever met or known and I do feel bad for him for that, but more importantly I’m incredibly glad he’s no longer my problem, if he ever does trick a girl into marrying him I feel bad for her too. There’s only misery in her future because he hates himself and is destructive to everyone around him.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Shelby, Thank you for sharing with so much honesty and in such detail. It’s so hard to make sense of how we fell into these relationships in the first place. But this sentence jumped out at me: “I am someone who believes it takes time to truly get to know someone and wasn’t sure if I could give up my family, friends, career and home to move with him for his career after only knowing him for 4 months.”

      I think we are all like this. But when there is someone who comes into our lives professing their undying love for us and explaining how we are unlike anyone they have ever met, we succumb to the pressure. Couple that with the reality that many of us were approached by people like this at a time when our relationships with family, friends and other loved ones were strained, and the sociopath has the perfect victim!

      Instead, when someone comes into our lives pressuring us early to make a decision about the relationship, we should be insulted and not flattered. Someone who REALLY loves and honors us would not put pressure on us. They would recognize that either a.) their strong feelings are premature; or b.) their pressure is harming us and would end the pressure and work on building a truer foundation of love, trust and friendship.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. It is so crazy to me that you just gave a full description of my ex-husband. I met him when I was 18 and he is 7 years older than me. By the time I turned 21 we were already married and had our first child. Little did I know that the hell I would soon be living in was being created right before my eyes. I lived in this man’s manipulation and control for the next 10 years because I thought there was no way out and everyone around me couldn’t see a reason for me wanting a way out. I grew up in a religious family so when I turned to my parents for advice they had nothing to offer. Towards the end of our relationship I slowly started to realize that I didn’t have to let him control me anymore.

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    • I’m so glad you came to this relaxation, Beth. I hope you’re doing well today and you have a healthy relationship with your children. 🙂

      Like

  7. I was a little struck when I read this and I just wanted to share my experiences…

    What has happened to me was, I met this guy three years ago. And it began so quickly for us but it began by him saying “No one has ever touched my soul like you” and he began telling me of how he wasn’t looking for love and how hurt he had been in the past by women but he saw something in me that touched him and he couldn’t shake the feeling. We quickly escalated into intimacy and “I love you”s. The part of this article that caught my attention was the part about “the one” because that’s exactly what he used to call me, his “one and only”. Eventually we began to fight over different things. Many times he’d act sort of depressed or gloomy in a very subtle way if I chose to schedule time with my friends over him. I also suffer from chronic depression and if ever I was feeling depressed then he’d take it personally that he couldn’t make me feel “happy” and he’d act moody and sullen. During those times it would somehow go from me being the one needing cheering up and comfort to me comforting him.

    Also, if I wasn’t in the mood to be intimate (as depression effects one’s sex drive) he’d eventually get very frustrated and in a fight he’d throw it in my face how I never wanted to be intimate unless it was on my terms. He accused me once of choosing my friends over him because one time I had a friend who had an emergency and I had to rush to their aid and help them out and it overlapped with time that we were supposed to spend together. Instead of being understanding when I contacted him (which I did as soon as I could), he laid into me for it. We would fight about little things like that and even when he asked for my “honesty” he’d then in turn call me “mean” for saying the honest truth that he asked for or he’d act moody. Or, if I admitted that I wasn’t happy with a behavior of his, then he’d turn the table around and find something I did wrong to deflect the blame off himself. The lines he’d often use is “Well you did this…” or “So, you’re telling me that you didn’t do this…”

    Anyway…

    I broke things off in June of 2013 because things were just very shaky and uncertain in my life plus I had my doubts about he and I’s relationship based off things that had happened in the past with us and my depression, plus my life was a mess.

    Instead of trying to reassure those doubts that I had, he’d commonly come down on me for having them and subtly treat me like I was the bad person for doubting him “You doubt me…?” “You must be unhappy or you wouldn’t doubt us” where as I think having doubt in a relationship at some point is pretty normal. I tried hard to be kind and supportive and to comfort him and let him know that I would still try and be there for him but that I just couldn’t be in a relationship with him at that moment in my life. It was a hard break up. It crescendoed to him eventually telling me that he “hated me for doing this to us” at the end of July. A month passed where we didn’t talk and then one day I stupidly contacted him (this was in very early October, so three months after my initial choice to break up and one month since we had really talked) and I discovered that he was suddenly with someone else new now. It initially sent me into a guilt and grief spiral because how could this person who had told me that “there would never be anyone else, no matter what” just move on in ONE month since we had cut contact? How was he over it so fast?

    He claimed that this new person had been there for him when I had just left and that he and I deserved better and that I had failed blew my chance. He also told me how “destroyed” he was emotionally and that no one would ever be able to reach him (even though he was with this girl). In his words? He was “just a shell of a person now”

    He also told me that (after a month of dating her) that he “loved” her (when in the past he had so adamantly proclaimed that his love was “not so easily given away”). I did manage to point out that “shells” can’t love so what he was saying made zero sense. How can one be “destroyed” and be a “shell of a person” yet in the same breath say that they “love” someone new?

    Within the next couple of months (they began dating in October and I found this next tidbit out in December) , I found out that he was also calling this new girl his “one” now along with trying to get her into the same interests I had when I was with him and giving her a nickname that was startlingly close to my own. She would post stuff to her Facebook page about how she loved “misunderstood” things and tag him and I already knew that he was giving her the same sob story that he had run on me in the beginning except now I was apart of that sob story. It took me a long time to reconcile what had happened and to let it go mostly because I felt so violated and used. Unfortunately, I had to go through this past relationship to see this person for who he really was. Turns out, after reading this article, that I think he fits the narcissistic sociopath label quite well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Incredible, anonymous. Thank you for sharing your story with such clarity and insight. Coming to the realization that this person was toxic, not healthy for you and lacked empathy and the ability to self-reflect and be accountable is more important than being certain of a label. And now you are aware and will be able to keep that door closed when and if he tries to weasel his way back into your life because his current victim isn’t “enough”. I’m sorry you experienced this relationship, but I’m very happy you are moving forward and letting go of that which makes little sense. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I was a little struck when I read this and I just wanted to share my experiences…

    What has happened to me was, I met this guy three years ago. And it began so quickly for us but it began by him saying “No one has ever touched my soul like you” and he began telling me of how he wasn’t looking for love and how hurt he had been in the past by women but he saw something in me that touched him and he couldn’t shake the feeling. We quickly escalated into intimacy and “I love you”s. The part of this article that caught my attention was the part about “the one” because that’s exactly what he used to call me, his “one and only”. Eventually we began to fight over different things. Many times he’d act sort of depressed or gloomy in a very subtle way if I chose to schedule time with my friends over him. I also suffer from chronic depression and if ever I was feeling depressed then he’d take it personally that he couldn’t make me feel “happy” and he’d act moody and sullen. During those times it would somehow go from me being the one needing cheering up and comfort to me comforting him.

    Also, if I wasn’t in the mood to be intimate (as depression effects one’s sex drive) he’d eventually get very frustrated and in a fight he’d throw it in my face how I never wanted to be intimate unless it was on my terms. He accused me once of choosing my friends over him because one time I had a friend who had an emergency and I had to rush to their aid and help them out and it overlapped with time that we were supposed to spend together. Instead of being understanding when I contacted him (which I did as soon as I could), he laid into me for it. We would fight about little things like that and even when he asked for my “honesty” he’d then in turn call me “mean” for saying the honest truth that he asked for or he’d act moody. Or, if I admitted that I wasn’t happy with a behavior of his, then he’d turn the table around and find something I did wrong to deflect the blame off himself. The lines he’d often use is “Well you did this…” or “So, you’re telling me that you didn’t do this…”

    Anyway…

    I broke things off in June of 2013 because things were just very shaky and uncertain in my life plus I had my doubts about he and I’s relationship based off things that had happened in the past with us and my depression, plus my life was a mess.

    Instead of trying to reassure those doubts that I had, he’d commonly come down on me for having them and subtly treat me like I was the bad person for doubting him “You doubt me…?” “You must be unhappy or you wouldn’t doubt us” where as I think having doubt in a relationship at some point is pretty normal. I tried hard to be kind and supportive and to comfort him and let him know that I would still try and be there for him but that I just couldn’t be in a relationship with him at that moment in my life. It was a hard break up. It crescendoed to him eventually telling me that he “hated me for doing this to us” at the end of July. A month passed where we didn’t talk and then one day I stupidly contacted him (this was in very early October, so three months after my initial choice to break up and one month since we had really talked) and I discovered that he was suddenly with someone else new now. It initially sent me into a guilt and grief spiral because how could this person who had told me that “there would never be anyone else, no matter what” just move on in ONE month since we had cut contact? How was he over it so fast?

    He claimed that this new person had been there for him when I had just left and that he and I deserved better and that I had failed blew my chance. He also told me how “destroyed” he was emotionally and that no one would ever be able to reach him (even though he was with this girl). In his words? He was “just a shell of a person now”

    He also told me that (after a month of dating her) that he “loved” her (when in the past he had so adamantly proclaimed that his love was “not so easily given away”). I did manage to point out that “shells” can’t love so what he was saying made zero sense. How can one be “destroyed” and be a “shell of a person” yet in the same breath say that they “love” someone new?

    Within the next couple of months (they began dating in October and I found this next tidbit out in December) , I found out that he was also calling this new girl his “one” now along with trying to get her into the same interests I had when I was with him and giving her a nickname that was startlingly close to my own. She would post stuff to her Facebook page about how she loved “misunderstood” things and tag him and I already knew that he was giving her the same sob story that he had run on me in the beginning except now I was apart of that sob story. It took me a long time to reconcile what had happened and to let it go mostly because I felt so violated and used. Unfortunately, I had to go through this past relationship to see this person for who he really was. Turns out, after reading this article, that I think he fits the narcissistic sociopath label quite well.

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    • Sounds similar to the man I dated, only he actually referred to me as his “soul mate.”
      Love bombed, devalued, and finally discarded.
      The problems in our relationship began when I voiced my opinion and in turn, he would say, “you’re so combative, and that’s not love.”
      Nothing, no matter the deception he was caught in, or the Facebook comments (subtle flirting from me) that he “liked” and then “disliked” was ever his fault … or the continually convenient excuses from him owning any wrong doing was replaced with excuse after excuse of some sudden health problem, or a friend dying (he is retired military and a cancer survivor) or the constant stress he was dealing with in his life.
      The important thing to remember is that you are effectively saved by your replacement, just as I have been saved by my replacement. I thank God every single day for her … no one deserves to live with such misery, feeling up and down based on someone else’s moods!
      And being “destroyed” or causing someone to be an “empty shell” is bullshit. It is just another one of their attempts to keep you feeding their ego. Pouring yourself into that relationship time after time, only they are still empty.
      No matter the amount of love declarations, the marriage proposals … if something doesn’t add up, it’s usually because the truth was never part of the equation.
      It’s been 9 months since a very bad break up with “him” and like I said, I thank God for my replacement.

      Thank you for sharing your story.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Interesting article, but the author is too black and white about it.
    Some people are exceptional, some people end up having an amazing lifelong romance, some people do adore each other from the getgo.
    To opine that this is impossible is sour grapes.
    I had an ex who some good paint as a socio/narc because he is a super romantic, very positive and uplifting. Some would say he is too good to be true.
    I’ve now known my ex for 8 years.
    It was a real narc-sociopath who lured me away from my exbf.
    My exbf rightfully will only be my good friend when I left him.
    I’ve watched him be gracious and amazing to other women and they can’t handle it.
    I think there’s a dysfuntcion where women in modern world reject perfect men.
    The true Narc Socio always shows his colors from day 1 but we tend to miss the signs because they burn wiht such a dark intensity.
    Looking back at the two NPD/Socios I dated, they revealed themselves right away in small ways.
    Being rude to wait staff, tooting their own horn, acting ever so slightly superior.
    So yes you can have a wonderful man who lavishes you with attention, but be awary for little signs they are a fiend deep down.

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  10. I have always wondered if my ex was a sociopath!
    I spent 9yr with him! On/off, he lied, cheated was friends with exs even though he slagged them off! One lived under my nose for yrs and I never knew!
    He lived with his mum well into his 40s!
    Never committed to me even though we had 2 kids, he was her golden boy!
    He was violent towards me on occasions!
    I finally got out 2 yrs ago!
    9mths after I ended it he moved a lady in with him that he’d known since his teens, never introduced her to our kids, they are all loved up but he still found time to send me the odd weird email now and then, even though I went no contact!
    He now gives me the silent treatment and rarely contacts me but does it through our 1o yr old!

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  11. Thank you for this insightful post. My heart is with all the others suffering as I am now. I too met what appeared to be the most perfect woman of my dreams. Don’t get me wrong she had flaws but I saw beyond them and loved her. I fell heavily for her and after 3 months of her writing me and telling me the most wonderful things, according to her I was the greatest lover, best friend, confidant blah blah blah. I fell for it all. And so did my family. You could not not love this girl. I loved being in her company but then I started noticing things were not adding up. Then all the way to midnight on March 31st after a lovely weekend she continued to be the most loving girlfriend then on April 1st which is ironic really, April Fools Day I get a text from her saying her feelings had suddenly changed and she didn’t know why! She no longer loved me had lost respect for me no longer missed me. I haven’t seen her since but get the odd text message hoping I am enjoying life. So now I’m concentrating hard on staying fit and eating properly but the stress and grief of this whirlwind has taken its toll. I have been floored with a cold. Everything I would normally do now without thinking is now a cognitive thought process challenge. But I know my love was true and innocent and forever. I was prepared to work on our relationship just like real soulmate do. Anyway time to lick my wounds. I had a 3 year relationship over ten years ago with a BPD and NPD so it has triggered old wounds. I just never thought lightning would strike twice! I am determined not to let this undermine my hope and trust in one day finding someone healthy to love and love me back through the good times and bad times. Thank you Paula!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Dread. I am terribly sorry you are experiencing this hard-to-accept and understand relationship dynamic. You describe your body and your mind’s reaction perfectly. Being ambushed and struck as you were is debilitating. But you will recover because you have awareness and hope. Real love is in your future. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  12. […] Paula Renee writes: Will You Be My Next Soul Mate? The idea of a soul mate is very romantic. To meet someone else in this world of billions who shares your same values, interests, desires, and goals is an exhilarating notion, don’t you think? It’s possible to meet someone who, at any given moment in time, is at the same place you are geographically and spiritually. But to think two people can remain on a joint wavelength over many, many years is, in my mind, a set up for failure. Yet, we continue to watch those silly movies that end in “happily ever after” and fool ourselves into thinking it’s real. Enter the narcissistic sociopath. A master at making the magic SEEM real just long enough to send you spiraling into a fog. The  narcissist as our “SOUL MATE” is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his ‘idealization’ of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. […]

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    • I have forwarded this page to a person I used to know, I’ll refer to him as Ken … you have described EXACTLY how he and I came together and PRECISELY how we ended, eerily spot on!
      I have allowed no other communication aside from that last email, I have blocked him from calling me, texting, and Facebook … although he blocked me first via Facebook … he needed “peace” and I was the one causing all the turmoil in his life. Even now as I reflect upon contacting him, I know it isn’t wise to do so. He won’t respond anyway … two weeks after he blocked me from Facebook he was already engaged to another woman.
      Everything you’ve described … the marriage proposals, him being so love sick, waiting his whole life for his soul mate, always talked about romantic versions of he and I in our near future together, the promises and commitments, wanting me to move in with him as soon as possible… all of it was a pathetic lie.
      He dedicated songs to me, wrote me such beautiful poems, that he dreamt of a woman all his life and once he saw my face, he proclaimed that I was the one!!! I was the woman in his dreams that he longed to touch, to hold, and to love. Because he had never experienced being loved … he was always abandoned, which is why he was so petrified of love, so he said. Paranoid about EVERYTHING, and accused me of such horrible acts. The accusations were ENDLESS, and not a day went by that I wasn’t the cause of his paranoia. No matter my assurances, no matter how horrible he treated me, I remained rooted to him to prove my loyalty.
      I later found out that everything he accused me of doing, that he was doing. And the pain of knowing how I meant nothing to him is what shattered me.
      Thank you so much for sharing this, I am relieved that I wasn’t losing my mind, and that I am not the only one.
      Now, I just pity him.

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  13. My ex I’m sure is narcissistic! We’ve been parted 18mths! He is now living and engaged to a lady he knew from his teens, he is in his 40s! I’m still recovering and still have very low days! I have tortured myself over thier engagement as I had 2 kids with him and we never really disgusted getting married! I was the one who called time on it and refused to have contact with him since! He was phyiscally violent to me and I still feel like a empty shell! I can only hope that the inner pain I still feel lessons in time!

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    • I’m sorry, Lou. I understand and know your pain. Finding others who understand and have been where you are now is going to help ease the self-torture and help you feel whole again.

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    • I feel so bad for you and everyone who has gone through this I’m going through this now and its very difficult. I almost wish we could all meet up for a support group its hard to get through something like this and its almost unbelievable to people you tell it to they might think your just bitter after a break up. The thing that makes me the most angriest is I’ve pretty much always question our relationship but then thought its got to be all in my head because that’s what he would tell me . Well 5 years 1 child later here I am realizing I was right all along. I also have a hard time with understanding people like him that treat other human beings like that and how did or why did I have to meet him. He mentally abused me by cheating on me then the physical abuse happened he would choke me a lot then it turned into verbal how worthless I am no one wants me. Now I’m trying to get my self esteem back.

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    • You’re strong, Sara. Thank you for sharing your experience. There is no explanation for why these people do what they do beyond them wanting to steal and take our energy and vitality for life. They vibrate at a very low frequency and have no connection to their inner being and soul. They spot people like us who shie from the inside out and they want it…they want what we have so badly. Unfortunately, they fail to realize that it’s up to each of us to create our own inner light to share with the world. We can’t take it from another. All that doesn is “murder” the source of the light and energy, as kooky as that may sound to some. But those of us who have expereinced know exactly what I am talking about. 🙂

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  14. I am so happy because over 4 months ago I finally cut every tie I had with my ex sociopath who wanted total control over me in every way..he also had extreme jealousy, and it was mentally off the charts jealousy. . The relationship went on and off for 5 years. I look back now and am dumbfounded I was taken as a fool. He lied about how unstable he was in his past and did everything he could to cover up his mental illness. I am so disgusted that I was that gullible. I should of ran when I first started seeing the red flags. I believed in him when he said he was sorry and was going to get help. A total lie, he eventually tried to paint me as the unstable one. After reading everything about these kindnof men, I know he doesn’t have a chance of leading a normal healthy relatiohsip. He is older, late 40s, for someone who is older its engraved in their soul that they will always be this way. He had destroyed his marriage and every relationship he had because of his illness but yet refuses to take account tability for it. I have learned to love and laugh again. I would never sink so low to stay with any man that exhibits any of these issues again. There is plenty of great mentally normal guys out there!!

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    • I’m so happy for you, Tina!! Thanks for sharing your encouraging story.

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    • This article is a joke…..a soul mate never gets.jealous rofl bet you are single

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    • Hmmm? Someone needs a lesson in reading comprehension AND irony.

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    • i am going through this..i had to evict him to get him out of my house..thank god i found these sight..I call mine my human lottery..Im ashamed to say the things i’ve let him get away with..I stil have a sex addiction to him..no one else..He told me he had cancer.when me husband died from it and my daughter has it..just to get me to got see him..Like a fool i went..helped him pack..said he was going back to new york for his treatment,,,he even shaved his head..NO CANCER..i helped him pack to move in with his new girlfriend……now the new girlfriend is call me..I had no idea, want to warn her..I make it a couple months and break down ans go see him..if i stay in touch he was nicer….If i hold out longer, he starts on my friend family and neighbors..He took all my court papers hostage..to get me to come..i need help….he sliced my tires, cut the wires to my shop..took my kid credit card for PORN…MONSTER..
      I feel so broken……such a fool

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  15. I have. A female room ate that is a classic narcissistic. Psychopath that sneeks around my room at bedtime I have caught her she still even denys it tell people I’m delusional she can ruin people character if they let her she has a 14year daughter she sleeps with any and everybody

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  16. A woman whose body aches for love. A woman who’s had some heartbreak, has been hurt, has maybe even done some hurting. A woman who knows she …

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  17. crying as i read this… she did all of this to me…promised me the world, promised me our time….i worked hard, took care of her, her son her mother..made them my family and in one quick swift kick in the ass i was out…done, her time to move on.. i found out she is whoring/partying every weekend with another guy from the town… its ridiculous… her fun was more important than US

    i hate her, and don’t want to wish bad, but i hope she pisses off the wrong guy and she finds out how i feel……

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  18. I met a beast as precaution moved a few hundred miles away & sent a goodbye message that moved outside U.S. for work to ex-boyfriend when on planned month long vacation as rented a house. Good reason got pregnant it was about more family well being than mine. I’ve seen too many pregnant women or single mothers murdered on issues the father and his family are off no chance my baby’s life messed up they getting custody……He and family issue is substance abuse related…..they function socially in withdraw or on their poison they’re really sick, twisted & dangerous. I got fooled entire lot (parents too) they are functioning substance abuse users at first fine but caught on late their issues quickly picked up the use worsen their illness mentally. It’s been few years the baby tested no critical issues development or physical health where my child needs to be and never told was pregnant so if found later will assumed with other and not his….talk about close call! Why did, high school best friend was murdered her boyfriend/father the baby went to his mother that later killed the baby smothering so hard fracturing facial bones on 6 month old……pray people understand me and not think the worst of me!

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  19. I cannot believe how similar my experience was with my ex to what you wrote here. It saddens and maddens me even more to know I fell for a textbook narc. What most impacted me in your post was the ‘they make you crazy’ point because I really did lose it at one point when I finally realized that I was being promised the world and told that he was in love with me and I was who he had been waiting for his whole life while simultaneously but unknowingly being lied to, manipulated, and duped … I tried to retaliate and punish him by anonymously exposing all he did to his family but not surprisingly, it backfired because he found out what I did and then said I was crazy, unhealthy and we would never ever again be in contact. I have not heard from him since.
    I am suffering terribly because I am ashamed of my ‘crazy’ behaviors
    (although my therapist said that what I did was more normal and common than I think), I confusingly still miss and feel so rejected and abandoned by him, and I am so enraged that he took such advantage of me to fulfill his needs and then discarded me and walked away unscathed to resume his perfect life as if nothing had happened. He also supposedly is now “feeling the happiest and most at peace ever and his family relationships are the best ever too “. Oh and he completely blamed me for the end of our relationship because I am ‘unhealthy’ whereas never once did he apologize or take responsibility for all of his unhealthy cheating and lying, which is exactly what triggered me to snap. It all just feels so unfair and like I helped him become a better human while he emotionally abused and depressed me.
    I take full responsibility for my role and permitting him to treat me as he did but I am still so angry and hurt and want him to apologize and even beg me to give him another chance (even though he hurt and used me so badly) and I think it is so unfair that he is now, as he says, in a great place emotionally, while I am suffering so much. I could use some help and advice please?

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    • Elena, I did exactly what you did. I was ashamed for behaving so badly and for allowing a person without a conscience to affect my conscience as he did. It’s disgusting how they succeed in making us feel so worthless. But it’s only temporary. You know why? Because, unlike them, we have the capacity and ability to love ourselves and others. Knowing we are able to forgive ourselves and feel deep love for ourselves pulls us through, beyond and above a place in our consciousnesses than we ever could have reached locked in their dungeon. We are free! We should rejoice in this fact. Nothing can change what happened. The past can never be undone. But we can move ahead knowing we survived and with a new and all-encompassing awareness of ourselves and the power within ourselves to never allow another to abuse or control us in such a way ever again. Let them live in their delusions. Let them think they are happy. They’re happy because they seem to think they have power and control over others. They really don’t. Their minds are weak and insecure. They NEED us; we do not need them. Our power comes from within; theirs comes from without. I am not suggesting that you compare yourself to him in order to feel superior to him. I am suggesting that you compare yourself to all of his ugly projections because you are superior and better than anything he could ever think or imagine about you. 🙂

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    • Thank you Paula for your comment and advice. It is so helpful – in fact, it made me cry. I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who let their ex turn them into someone they are not. I am not cruel and hurtful. And I am not vindictive or without a conscience. I’ve been internally suffering for over a year now because of what I did when in fact what I did (tell his family, including his kids, about all he did to me and criticize him to them but with pretty harsh and nasty words) was a direct result of being anatagonized and provoked by him. Over and over and over. I’m not trying to justify my behaviors, they were wrong and shameful, but I can’t accept him making me out to be crazy, unhealthy, and a horrible person when his behaviors were much worse (IMHO) because he was not at all provoked. They were just because he is not a nice or honest person, to put it mildly.
      And so that leaves me feeling so much injustice and anger coupled with horrible shame that I couldn’t control myself (I knew it was wrong and out of character for me) and let him get the best of me. Plus I am struggling terribly to forgive myself. I know that I need to because I can’t change the past but I keep having flashes in my mind of his last words to me .. “We will never, ever have contact again. I hope you find a way to get healthy.” And they make me feel horrible at the person I became.
      I, at least, shamefully confessed and honestly disclosed what I did whereas he never owned up to anything, rather just deflected everything back at me … I misunderstood, I was the problem, I created stories based on what I wanted to hear, I am unhealthy, etc.
      How dare he … especially just one day after “making love to me” and insisting he was in love with me while simultaneously and being with another woman, which I had just uncovered.
      I love your points about recognizing our differences but I can’t believe that he can just move on with no guilt, remorse, or simple acknowledgement of how he hurt me too. And i cant seem to release the shame and forgive myself. How did you do it? Thanks for providing this site/suport and for being a light for me at the end of many very troubling days.

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    • I can relate to your problem.I was with my partner for 10 years and we were living together for 9.H e also made me feel like I was the only women in the world he was very charming.And I fell for him so hard,it really hurts when you find out that it was all lies.I am really suffering as he has always known that I suffer with depression,how could he do this to me.

      Liked by 1 person

    • He can do it because he has no empathy. Your feelings don’t matter to him. That’s difficult to embrace, especially for those of us who feel other’s pain with no effort. But remember that there are people out there who would never do what he did to you. Those are the people who will never turn you away and the people who will help you now.

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  20. Wow! This is SPOT on to my now ex . He has to be surrounded by women , moves them in immediately, each in his past they talked about marriage . Each gets younger and he lies about his age to get younger. (58 but claims 39-43).

    But that was him . A week in he was falling for me , two weeks in he loved me and always had and always would . He liked to toss in twin flame and was always over the top romantic. Every ex was crazy, greedy – it was never him . I left because he was saying this to three other women while with me!! This article just eased so much pain !!!

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  21. I really, really hate to say this, but someone who knows me very well asked me one day…”if you could get away with murder would you”, knowing full well she was talking about my bordeline narc ex wife of 18 years….the thing that horrified me most was not that I didn’t answer……but that I honestly considered the question.

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    • Hehe! It’s normal, I think. But that desire dissipates with time. I used to envision my ex being splattered by a city bus. I’d rather him live and suffer than die so easily. 🙂

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  22. wow I’m scared this will happen to me. I don’t even know how I got on this page and sometimes I wonder about signs. Or I wonder if this is deceptive and playing off our fears or using this logic to be able to cope with something that has happened. Intimacy issues is a major theme. Can we trust what other people say? We’ve all lied, we’ve all been honest. Time and events do change people..But let me remind everyone this one ultimate true realization “Most of what other people do has nothing to very little to do with you”- you can take that in a lot of different ways positive or negative..

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    • When that other person uses you as a physical and emotional punching bag, it actually does have everything with you getting away from that person despite that person’s repeated attempts to suck you back into the relationships with shaming and blaming.

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  23. I been wondering if I was the nar or my stbx. He did no come home and email me telling me he wants a divorce. What he did not tell me that he had already filed for several weeks. Coming home pretending everything was fine. We been married for ten years and for the last three years he became so successful working for a big tech company. The past year I just got sicker and depended on him more for emotional support. He seem so nice and carrying that I have trouble labeling him a nar. The only red flag I got from him is he a lair. He passive aggressive, never telling you what he feels. He stolen money from my account before. He has control of our banking information and other finical records. I was just a housewife. He told me seeing me so sad and scared for my health was to hard for him so he left. He even wanted me paying for spousal support and his lawyer fees. In my mind all I can think about is he seem so nice and caring. He never lash out sure he call me lazy but I thought he was joking. I just trying to wrap my mind what the hell happening. I was discarded but maybe he cannot deal with being so needy. I’m still making excuse for him. I’m looking for answer because he refuse to talk to me about what happen.

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    • The answers are spelled out in your comment. Why would you want to be associated with a liar, a thief and someone who ignores your right to be heard and considered?

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  24. Thank you for this!

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  25. I can relate to this article but only parts of it. My story is I met a young man for the first time around 9-1-2013. As soon as we locked eyes my very first thought was ” is that satan trying to distract me” He had a sincere “smitten” look. I seen that look 3 times that night. The strangest thing about it all is the first night I met him I saw a 12 year boy. Other times I seen a 40 year old man and he is 32. Me that that 40 year old I said was like oil & water. I later realized it was his flesh side. In the beginning he made weird statements that I thought odd , but he is highly intelligent man, genius kind. I took it as a language barrier. We would go 4 wheeling and we were way out somewhere and he said ” I could kidnap you & no one would here you scream” Believe it or not I laughed & said “really if you killed me you would be doing me a favor, I am not scared of death” that threw him off, like he didn’t expect that. He is very anti social , doesn’t like being around a lot of people. I think because he is so smart he is often misunderstood. I seen a side to him that most would show fear, BUT I never did. Once standing in my kitchen I cant rem what he said to this day all I can remember was my reply “well that is easy I have read the end of the book & I win” He is very arrogant , however he did so remorse and sympathy early in the relationship and I seen it in his eyes- he meant it. Its almost as though he is struggling with the good & evil inside him. The 12 year old boy is kind, caring thoughtful wanting to live again, but the 40 year Is in control and wont let him. If that makes sense. He bought me a cross with a halo on it. I do admit he did seem that soon as I said “I love you” I senses him backing off. He asked me a couple times was I a witch , I said you asked that one more time you can walk out my door and not come back. Witches are not of God, I am in tune with God just because I can sense something isn’t right doesn’t make me a witch. We took a trip with my family to Florida, let me add he told me he loved me for the first time on my moms birthday( she is passed) and then turns around and dumps me on thanksgiving ( the day I lost my dad) Now the Florida trip went well, UNTIL my kids flew back we had a couple more days- I don’t know who that man was but it was not the man I knew. needless to say when we got back I was dumped 2 days later. I don’t think he is a complete narsisstic social path because I never witnessed violence or mean words he never tried to control me. Maybe he knew I wouldn’t be controlled. I think I was used to show family he was with a female and once they seen that , I was dumped. I think he struggles with the thought of being gay. God had me tell him 4 different times “you are not gay” . I am his first relationship in 13 years? Me & my brother took a trip to Michigan and he was supposed to go but didn’t he said “You & your brother , I am afraid it would turn into a blood bath” I found that “odd” also me , my brother were in the car with this man and no one had said a word– My brother said “hey man watch yourself that is my sister” I was like “huh what the hell no one said nothing” Its like my brother heard his thoughts or something?????????????? can anyone relate or give me advice. He isn’t talking to me at all and his last words to my friend was ” I have said all I am going to say about her tell her to get over it and move on” then sends another text “I am not trying to be mean meeting face to face would only cause problems” I just would like any ones else thoughts or opinions it has been almost 3 months and I am still crying as though it just happened.

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    • I would also like if you would change my name just incase he can read this. put Lil Mama if you can.

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    • Lil mama, coming from someone who spent 2.5 years with a narcissistic sociopath, I can most certainly say that this man you’re describing sounds like the epitome of one. You say you don’t think he was because he was never hurtful or mean to you, but your relationship was at most 3 months? Sociopaths spend a lot longer than that testing the waters of being mean to you. Because who wouldn’t immediately dump someone who was mean to them after a month or two of dating? It changes once you’ve spent a year with someone. Then when they start being rude or disrespectful to you, you have tons of excuses for their behavoir, like his history or he’s having a bad day, whatever.
      And I understand what you’re talking about with the seeing the 12 year old in him. It probably makes you feel like you want to help him and that he’s never really been understood. I felt the same with my ex. And in hindsight, that 12 year old was probably the age he stopped maturing emotionally. Truth. Do you know if he was abused or neglected as a child? Many sociopaths are a result of this – not all mind you.
      And you said, “maybe he knew I wouldn’t be controlled.” From your responses to his “weird” comments, I think this is spot on. Narcissistic sociopaths need control over everything including their partner and eventually your relationship would’ve turned to abuse that you could recognize. I say recognize because you don’t seem to realize that already in 3 short months he was manipulating you. Saying I love you on the anniversary of your mothers death? Dumping you on a holiday AND the anniversary of your fathers death? Those are both manipulation and subtle emotional abuse.

      You also said that you see a struggle between good and evil in him. Not exactly, it is a struggle for him to appear to the outside world to be a human with feelings and compassion for other people. Trust me, he has none, but is very good at faking them. Most have a fairly high intelligence, but the reason they are anti social is not because they are too smart and people don’t “get” them, it’s because if they spend too much time around people, people start to notice their charade. Imagine playing a character 24/7. That is what they’re doing when they have kindness, empathy, and compassion.
      These people have a lot of casual friends and generally no close friends. Many failed relationships that usually last no longer than a few months to a few years.

      Please please please consider yourself LUCKY that he walked awa from a woman he knew he wouldn’t be able to control!!!! Read some more about sociopaths and emotional personality disorders, and also red flags for abuse. I didn’t realize that my relationship was abusive until much later because he never physically hurt me. But emotional and mental abuse is very real and can often leave scars much deeper than physical abuse. I actually had PTSD for probably 6 months after leaving him. And I urge you to really look at the red flags of abuse because in your story they are all over the place. And if you don’t recognize them here, you could put yourself back in the same dangers of being with another man like this one. The amount I’ve written should be an indication of how strongly I feel about this.

      Seriously, count your blessings for the bullet you dodged with this one. You sound like a strong, smart and caring woman so don’t settle for anyone that doesn’t make you feel that way and doesnt make your life better. xo

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, ExOS. 🙂

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    • Thank you very much for you reply I was wondering if anyone even read it. and I agree with you. My gut was saying their is something he is not telling me the whole time. and I said He ultimately walked away because he actually was beginning to care. Well the 12 year old did. I know of no abuse as a child,he is the only male child of 3 sisters. I just don’t understand all the research I have done why there is no HELP- especially if they believe In God. God can do anything. I really do appreciate your commenting back and would like to talk further if you can email me at ask@asklilmama.com I would greatly appreciate it.

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    • I am so sorry I forgot to tell you I am so sorry to hear all you went thru I had a selfish moment reading what you wrote – woke me up to what I already new- but guess had hoped after 7 almost years being single I might have finally found one. I have Google the shit out of this and have read and read & WHY is there NOTHING that can be done?? God is still in charge and can do anything? I am not saying this because I will take mine back because I wont! I just see nothing but negative about this & I see why its all negative BUT what is being done to help– Mine showed he cared- he was brief and only happened a few times but he left ultimately because he did care but wont own it. If he didn’t he would still be around trying to control one he cant control, to me if they are that manipulative I am a good challenge and one a highly intelligent man would want to take on and succeed at it. I m very intuitive , in tune with God,and I had a feeling he was hiding something from me but I ignored it, because I have been single so long. My happiness is MY job not my mans- I know this – so there has got to be something that can be done to help them. There is cures for all kinds of shit. He is a genius – old latin language – I am common sense smart ( which bible says is wisdom) so I just think someone should look into helping people like this. They are human beans created by God. I dont think we should just “write ” them off. I guess I am speaking from a child of God point of view. I mean what if this is our son or our daughters one day????? I dunno just my thoughts but again Thank you for your reply and please email me if you can and again I do apolgize for what you went thru i know it sucks

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    • Lil Mama,

      Your compassion is showing. It’s a beautiful thing. Helping THEM isn’t exactly a priority for most of us who have been through hell and back along with our family and friends. There is a lot of controversy surrounding wether or not folks inflicted with personality disorder as extreme as narcissism and sociopathy can be helped. It’s like trying to cure a person with Down’s Syndrome. It’s not a medical possibility.

      And then there is the question if they or aren’t they born this way? There is definitely genetic evidence supporting that sociopathy/pathology is passed along. But from which parent and with what odds no one has determined.

      Personally, I choose not to spend my life worrying about treating psychopaths. They hurt and harm with impunity and their judgment will eventually come from God. And you can’t treat a person who doesn’t think there is anything wrong with them. It’s unethical and in humane.

      So I choose instead to focus on helping people like you and me and the many readers who find this blog to heal, recover and find peace and hope despite being fully aware of the existence of those among us without the capacity to empathize, feel true remorse or act according to a solid conscience.

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    • i completely understand where you are coming from I guess I have lived such a sheltered life and because I am a sincere, honest kind compassionate person I dont understand the complete opposite of that in others? I wouldnt wish the pain I have endured on my worst enemy if I had one. So for me its so hard to understand how people can set out to deliberately hurt others . Dont get me wrong I have read it, it clearly happens- Just hard for me to grasp I guess. Thank you again for all your advice.

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    • I also wanted to know since he dumped me & hasnt spoken to me since is this part of it ? will he try and come back later?

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    • I don’t think it is that are intentionally trying hurt people, it’s that they just don’t care if they do. They have no concern for other emotions because they physically have no capacity to have empathy or sympathy for someone else. And like Paula was saying, the most narcissists and sociopaths that they have attempted to treat have been court-ordered. This is because if you read about the traits of a narcissist, they would never truly believe their is something wrong with themselves. So why would they try to go to counseling to change anything? Most people who study these people with personality disorders believe that the ability to share emotions with others starts between the ages of 4-6 and you can imagine that if that is the age you learn, how hard it would be to learn 20-30 years later. So generally these people need counseling for 10-20 years, of not the rest of their life. And what person that doesn’t think there is anything wrong with them would go to counseling for that long? It isn’t that there aren’t people who have tried to help, it just seems that it is futile fight. It seems better to bring people to an awareness of this problem and to help try to prevent it with helping children who are abused and neglected.

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    • He probably hopes that you will keep contacting him as that would satisfy his narcissistic ego. So if you don’t, he may try to contact you subtly in hopes that you’ll again show interest in him….Again to stroke his ego. I would advise that not only do you not contact him, but don’t respond to any communication if he does contact you.

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    • Thank you again. This so heavy of my heart as a child of God that I plan to do more research. I have looked it up a million times on the internet and I do not say this to put down, dis-regard any one that has been hurt by people like this because I to was hurt by one. I still question WHY all the information is about them and their terrible behaviors and the possible why they do this BUT NO one wants to help. And I understand they have to want to get help, but is this not the same for a alcoholic or someone on drugs and people do interventions on them. I am finding we all are wanting to label folks, and toss them aside when if we are children of God should we not at the least try and help- if one needed it. I know the most important lesson I have learned in this life if I call my self a christian is NO MATTER what anyone says, does or attempts to do to me– I ultimately have to forgive them. ( I do not have to keep being around them) not only do I Have to forgive them but me being happy is MY job, and if my relationship is right with God , I will overcome anything anyone or this world tosses my way. I have been to hell and back already a few times in my life and I have learned that every person we meet we are to learn & or teach each other something and heartbreaks are the worst pain ever, worse than a broken bone but they also push you into the direction God wants us going. Without heartbreaks we would not be able to understand and sympathize with others. I mean this is really heavy on my heart. My parents ran a group home in our home for 30 years- I have seen crazy from one level to another ,my brother even has an illness- my mom spent years on drs visits, institutions trying to get him better until one day she said God revealed your asking me to heal him why are not you not asking for him to be saved? So when mom changed her prayer – then God did his work on my brother and has been on medication for 20 years and you can even tell he has a illness. I know I am different than most I hear it all the time. My heart is huge on compassion for others I was spit out from my mom like this. I recently discovered it is called “gifted” being this compassionate to me it is just “normal”. I hope and pray I have not offended anyone by saying all this – because I to was hurt and it has took me 3 months to get passed it and I usually have the gift of goodbye.And this man showed meaning full compassion- it was brief but it was real. These illness all the people have are of satan and we can try to help if they want or choose it. I can find the good in anyone I meet- now I admit I have to dig real dam deep sometimes but we all struggle with good & bad in us and what we feed is what will show outwardly. Thank you guys again for all you information I have found this page the most helpful for me & I do appreciate it. Yall are welcome to check out my page sometime I would love to have other women like you guys visiting & commenting most people facebook me so my page looks like I talk to myself..lol I have 88 subscribers now. Asklilmama.com Thanks again ladies.

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  26. I feel guilty of some of these points, like I am choking my gf while she needs to focus on school. This made me feel like I’m a bad person because I ticked off some of the red flags. I want to change my behaviour, for her sake. I hope there is another way than breaking up. Maybe I’m being selfish but I don’t want to be without her in my life.

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    • Work on building your confidence while losing your arrogance and need for control. What’s so tough about allowing your GF her freedom to grow and evolve? Instead of trying to contain her, why not free yourself from your need to always be right, powerful and in control? It takes patience and practice, but it will lead to a beautiful relationship and deeper connection. 🙂

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  27. Hi,I just recently started researching narcissists and their traits because I couldn’t comprehend what exactly happened to me, and I still can’t so I would really appreciate it if any one of you could help me out. I was supposed to marry a guy, a friend’s brother, who got in touch with me through family, and common friends. We started talking and things went great for the first few months although there were a few red flags that I did dismiss in the hopes of being a compromising and adjusting gf. However he refused to ever Skype and always kept our chats to text or calls. And he kept putting it off since we were due to meet soon and he felt it would mean more if we met in person. I agreed and even went to meet his mum and grandma and everything was basically set for us to just see each other and then get married coz we both knew that we were ready to adjust and make it work. I had no reason to doubt Him since it was a matter of only meeting, his family and friends all checked out fine. We had even grown up a few neighborhoods apart but never knew it. However things all came crashing down when I happened to go for a movie with my best friend who was a boy, and my boyfriend then got upset saying this isn’t the way he expected his future wife to behave and that I should’ve told him before going. Long story short, after countless apologies and making up, I asked if he could trust me and he said no so I said it was something that we had to work past otherwise we couldn’t get married. He thought I ended it when I really didn’t, and soon the wedding and meeting was off. He did come back into my life and stayed for a whole year telling me things like we are meant to be and that he’s eventually going to marry me and suddenly he would give me the cold shoulder and silent treatment and disappear for days. It was making me crazy so when I finally asked him what this all meant he screamed saying that it means nothing and that he doesn’t want to be with me. So we’re not in contact now for the past 10 days. Is it possible he’ll come back again? If so, what do I do?

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    • He’ll definitely be back. There is no doubt. He’s got an agenda and it involves instant gratification for him; he doesn’t really care about you and your desires or needs. It’s all about his needs. Can you handle being his door mat? Always being there for him to step on when it’s convenient for him and his schedule?

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  28. why does everyone thing that its always a guy. I just broke off with a female version of this person

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    • I certainly don’t think it’s always a guy. But I’m female and my abuser was male, so it’s just easier for me to describe what I know in those terms.

      I believe all of us who understand this pathological type recognize that it isn’t exclusive to any gender or demographic. The devil doesn’t discriminate.

      But I will say this: I wish more men would come forward about their intimate relationships with their female pathological partners. I have experienced a female narc/sociopath but only as a boss. Never as an intimate partner with an intimate bond. The devastation is immeasurable when there is an intimate bond formed. Luckily, in my dealings with the female variety, I could detach with much greater ease. I doubt that is true for you, Anonymous. I’m sure you loved her…and now?

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    • Amen brother… me as well… class A sociopath from the mirroring to discarding. i actually witnessed her mirroring the new guy, practicing her new speech slang to dressing like him… i never spoke to her again because the day i saw her mask removed she no longer existed….. opened my mind to reality and evil! This was someone i spent every day with for five years. I even had a nickname i teased her i called her a robot because she never had emotions…. its been a year since..

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  29. Wow! Thanks for this article. Made me realize I have been married for 8 years to a sociapath! He was always controlling, he couldn’t have normality in life there always was some drama. The latest one was he was upset, because his dog of 17 years died and he didn’t like my reaction. And there in the end of our marriage. It went so far that I now have a restraining order against him, and he has supervised visits with the kids. All in the space of a month. I have been trying to wrap my head around what went wrong, when I read your article, it was like a light bulb went off. Wish I had read this 8 years ago.

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    • So glad you found the article helpful, Charlotte. I wish I had understood this stuff long ago, too. But at least we can help each other and maybe reach younger women sooner and earlier than we were reached. 🙂

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  30. WOW! I met a guy July 26th, we go engaged Sept 18th and he broke it off Oct 31st.
    WTF????!!! THREE Months!!!
    All the while, even when he was asking for the ring back, he said “I Love you” “You are the woman of my dreams”, “You are my soul mate”, “Never leave me, I need you”
    He was saying these things to me with tears streaming down his face 7 days before he call off our engagement! He says that he” has to do this now”, he can’t “drag me through it” he’s “damaged”, he doesn’t “see a life for us together, we are to different”!!!!!!!!!!
    he said that both of his exwifes were crazy and they are both suing him.

    OmG my head is spinning and I am trying to wrap my head around what just happened 180′ turnaround over night.
    This is crazy insane toxic stuff…and really he asks for the ring back?????

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    • and……… he went back online to date two weeks later after he said that he was not interested in dating!!!

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    • Unbelievable, isn’t it? This is the hardest phase…trying to make sense of that which makes no sense! You aren’t quite ready to accept that it’s all him. You think there must be something wrong with you: You forgot to brush your teeth that one morning OR you must smell funny OR he found someone else better?? You beat yourself up over and over again and rack your brain and NOTHING!! You get no explanation that makes sense. But once you accept the guy is a total loon, I mean a true nut job, you begin to get back to normal. However, you’ll hear from him again one day. It could be weeks, months or even years, but this fool will try testing the waters with you again. If he were to reach out to you today, what would you do? It’s an unfair question, but it’s one you must answer for yourself and with as much honesty as you can face. 🙂

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  31. Thank you so much for this site. The sociopath who has been trying to destroy me has been simultaneously sending me links to pages on soul mates while he is with his other woman. I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around crazy for too long…assuming I was dealing with someone not something. Thank you for this.

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  32. […] Beware the narcissistic sociopath disguised as your “Soul Mate”. […]

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  33. Hi, from Syracuse. “It” has only been gone for 20 days and I’ve been through A LOT of confusion, tears, and (Thanks to sites like this) Insight. But I’m glad to say the title graphic for this post, ” Will you be my NEXT soulmate?” Honestly cracked me up! I’m hoping that’s a good sign! 🙂

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    • It’s always a good sign when we can find the humor in the absurdity of a sociopath and his/her delusional nature. They are laughable, and we’ve more than earned our right to make them the butt of our jokes. Hehe! 🙂

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  34. Letter to the Sociopath:

    Dear Sociopath, I did a bit of clearing out today and I found a box of stuff which belongs to you and I am now returning. Stuff which you were quite happy to have me believe was mine and always was. It’s not mine and it never was. It’s yours! Always was and always will be. What’s in the box? A whole load of “Projection and Transference”! I feel so much lighter, now that it’s back with its rightful owner 🙂

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  35. I am dating a guy for one year and 10 months everything you dreamed of having. But, very much to himself want tell you nothing about him or pass. I had to do my own research is a truck driver. And, convince me to believe he was different. Well, lord be hold the biggest lier, he is all over the chat lines also. All he has is cars lost his home, no money, nothing,. He gets women to notice him with his cars benz, cad, eschade, acura, and they dont know anybetter like me. Then he feeds off them uses you for your money til u are in the hold. Im trying my best to get out of this mess but it been hard on it me. Please help me to get out of this mess. He left this morning to go meet someone different. Sad!!!!! He shuts down and want talk to u are anything. He was so broke that he sold two of hid old nissans to get the money to go meet women off of mate.com.. any advice will hell thanks.

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  36. Please someone help me. My friend is 2 years out in his divorce from his narcissistic sociopath Norwegian ex wife. They were married for 17 years and the illegal, manipulating, evil things this woman did, and continues to do, are way too many to list. How do I “help” my friend get out from this womans control? I don’t believe there is any attraction left there… I believe, from years of living with a sociopath doing her normal things, on top of constant threatening, he is afraid of her. I don’t know how to help him… Going on three years now and I am tired and weary. He will be strong then not follow thru with anything he “stood up” to her about. Ex: the ex went back to Norway before the divorce was even in court. She left all of her belongings in his home. She came back a year later, for 2 1/2 weeks, did not get any of her things. Now, another year later, she is back, has been back, and doesn’t appear to be in any big hurry to get her things. My friend told her one of the cars was filled with her things and she had two days to get those items, after that, the items in the car would be tossed, the car would be filled again, etc. She has only come twice in two weeks, stands at the car, goes thru one or two boxes and tosses what she wants, BACK IN MY FRIENDS CAR! I don’t know what to do. Please any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. I’m sorry to everyone who is dealing with people like this… It’s horrible.

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    • Jen,
      The best thing you can do is to continue supporting your friend and encourage him, when he’s ready, to go No Contact and to speak to a counselor. Freeing oneself of these types of emotional vampires requires us to unnaturally discard them from our lives, which includes our hearts and our memories. It’s not easy. Your friend may not be in love with this woman, but he surely cares and is concerned for her well-being. It’s natural. Sometimes it takes repeated abuse for us to really understand that it’s abuse. Why? Because people with empathy and a conscience desperately want to believe all people are good beneath the surface of their actions and behaviors. Unfortunately, that is an unfortunate myth. Not everyone is capable of feeling and having true remorse and/or understanding for others. 🙂

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    • Hi Paula, ” It’s natural. Sometimes it takes repeated abuse for us to really understand that it’s abuse. Why? Because people with empathy and a conscience desperately want to believe all people are good beneath the surface of their actions and behaviors. Unfortunately, that is an unfortunate myth” – tell me about it. I was abused by my mother for years. And it is only now that the ‘myth’ is beginning to sink into my mind! I would not say that my HEART did not know. At times, your HEART tells you but the mind does not accept! And she is a very good actor so a lot of people hardly know. She abuses me and pretends innocence later, as if I imagined everything including the PHYSICAL ABUSE!

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    • Correction – She is a very good actor so a lot of people hardly know. She abused me and pretends innocence NOW, as if I imagined everything including the PHYSICAL ABUSE! I stay away from her these days. It is because she still thinks that she can abuse me mentally and emotionally. I have accepted the myth as you say that it is nothing but abuse, no more making excuses for her! To add to what you wrote, normally, abusers continue abusing their victims throughout their lives unless they are stopped or the victims take a stand against them. I do not think that they actually repent for what they do because of old age(as in the case of my mother!)

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  37. […] stoop to the dirtiest of tricks (like calling you their “angel” and “the one” and “the love of their life”) to get […]

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  38. My only comment is that the narcissistic sociopath is not always a man. There are many women like this out there too.

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    • Of course!! No one here can argue that. It’s just easier to write from a place of experience. Thank you for commenting. Namaste! 🙂

      Like

  39. hello to everyone……..

    Happy is the man who has peace of mind, we want peace of mind in our life…

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  40. I laughed and cried at this post. I am just learning about sociopathic/narcissistic behavior. I am almost in year 3 of a hostile divorce from a 20 year marriage. All of my research on all of these blogs has been so helpful.

    I started my own blog, just for cathartic reasons. It really helps.Writing all of it down and just reading it on the screen. It can be a surreal experience. I cannot even believe what I have endured. Sometimes I feel so stupid, but I know better and I have found so much encouragement in many of the people’s posts and comments.

    I am only at the beginning of my journey of figuring all of this out.

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  41. For the sake of clinical accuracy, I strongly suggest that you replace the word “he” with “he/she” or “he or she” in your article. Narcissistic Sociopathy is NOT gender specific, and occurs almost as frequently in females as it does in males.

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    • Thank you, Dr. K. I have addressed this in other posts, and I’d like to think readers of this blog are intelligent and understand that I write from my experience and not from a place of ignorance thinking only men can be pathological monsters. I’ve encountered females that fit this description as well. I guess it’s clear I should add a disclaimer to this blog.

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  42. I used to be one of these without knowing it, and then I had a bout with an obsessive, controlling psychotic girly… Everything she wanted turned out to be complete access to all my email accounts and such. Well, I complied, and she just got more and more suspicious. Nothing would satisfy her paranoid assertion that I was up to something.

    It got to the point where I decided to not be up to a damn thing, just to be “Right” even though I never got to the stage in the relationship where I was actually up to something. Then she decided to break up with me because all we did was fight all the time.

    Then my soul mate found ME!
    Just out of nowhere, a beautiful, brilliant girl with a wonderfully fucked up sense of humor and similar tastes in depressing media/literature, and disregard for the laws of man found me.

    So because of psycho bitch I was able to turn all my normal soul mate recruiting shit into ACTUALLY recruiting my soul mate, and she’s actually really low maintenance, which I’m super grateful for now, and I don’t have to be controlling or domineering… I can just be myself and be happy.

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  43. I can’t believe what I am reading…I could have written this. He, him, the one who tormented me and abused me and made me feel like I was crazy, he put me on a pedestal. I had never been talked to like he talked to me, never had anyone made me feel so special, so unique so beautiful. He would relish me. Many times he would tell me to take off my jacket and let my hair down when we walked into a room so the men could see how beautiful of a woman he was with. He told me he enjoyed watching other woman look at him with me because he felt proud that he had a woman as beautiful as me and wanted to see them wish it was them. Then it would all come crashing down the moment he started stare stalking another beautiful woman or the moment I would find him texting or talking to another woman or worse the moment when I would find out he was with another woman. How could he do this to someone he loved so much, someone he worshiped and wanted to marry and live the rest of his life with?

    And yes, he also told me about his past relationships and how he was the victim, so similar now that I look back, SHE hurt him by calling the police and having them take away his guns, SHE hurt him by telling the police lies about how he grabbed her and threw her down, he was merely protecting himself because she went lunatic mad on him, SHE hurt him by demanding money, SHE committed extortion because he said SHE told him she would tell the cops everything unless he gave her money. I don’t know this other woman he dated before me, I never wanted to know her or any of the others that ‘hurt him and told the police and everyone lies about him and his abuse’ because I believed him and I found myself thinking they must be crazy. I’m sure his current girlfriend thinks I am just as crazy for having a restraining order against him, for having him arrested for what I’m sure he told her is no good reason. I don’t know how on earth he could even come close to saying what he told me about his ex girlfriends and the whole ‘self defense’ thing. I never had a chance when he hurt me, he was so strong and so overpowering, I never ever once tried to hurt him, every time he came at me with that rage I went limp, but he told me I hurt him with my words. When I told him I wanted to leave him or that I was angry because of the way he treated me or talked about other women. It was my fault he got so upset that he threw me around or choked me, it was my fault for it all. He was always the victim and I know to his friends and family and his current girlfriend he was definitely the victim in our relationship, and he’s probably glad to be rid of me and glad he finally met the woman of his dreams, the woman he was meant to be with, and he used this one on me many times…the woman God intended him to find and have forever. I know she has heard it, I heard it and the women before me heard it I am certain.

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    • It’s only a matter of time before he starts raging and shaming and blaming his current GF. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this frustration. I understand and have been where you are. ❤

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  44. I have found myself recently like a PHD student studying everything about my ex hus illness just about 1 year following the Decree. What is so ironic is I have been long describing him as a vampire who does not see his reflection in a mirror or as an emotional terrorist. How priceless this new found enlightenment is in helping me in forgiving myself and will be in moving forward in my life.

    I was married officially 23 years. The last 8 were not that good. The last year terrible. The emotional rejection, the stares, the silent treatment, the arguing, the seldomness of sex, on and on. In fact, I was so blind, so brainwashed into believing it was all me, the lousy marriage, my bitching, you dont do this, my this, my that. Even when he had an emotional affair 5 or so years ago, (he reacted defensive and angry and I was just an insecure person and it was all in my head). He even had the marriage counselor duped. I had to quit the counseling, since I always felt so bad following, since I was the “bad seed”, she believe him and I went on anti whatever medicine for while.

    I prayed and prayed for God to show me he loved me and cared; it did not happen as I wanted. Finally after months of him leaving for days and coming back, and his asking for a D, I filed.

    My teenage daughters bought his blame of me for the D. He became exclusive (in the public eye) with a gf, a divorcee, less than 6 months into the D, while never telling me about her when I pleaded with him for forgiveness and reconciliation. I think now the gf was in the wings the last year prior to the starting of the D, based on reflection on argument statements and his actions the last official year of marriage. He has alienated me from my girls have been. “Mom you need to move on since dad has”, “you would like her if you met her”, My younger one was living with me until 6 months of brainwashing, she aligned with her dad and gf. (Mom is just “cray cray”.) Thank God the divorce took only 14 months.

    It took a long time to cut my blame on the breakup of my marriage from 100% to 50%. Today I may take at max 25%, since I now know his issues. Two counselors, and becoming closer to God has helped tremendously; the Bible really is a blueprint for life.

    He recently dumped the gf after having her in the public light for over 1.5 years. He has told my daughters two different reasons for the breakup: 1)I do not want to get married, 2)I do not want to raise her three young kids. Duh, the kids have been around since day one and he has almost supported her these last couple years.

    In my working on forgiveness of THEM, I almost feel sorry for the gf, the agony of grief after all the pomp and attention, blaming herself with the “if onlys”. I wonder how long he will string her along, or it will be just like me: puff you’re history, you are nothing to me. I guess it depends on her and if someone else is in the wings.

    Everyone’s story here and elsewhere is helping, my few friends are very impatient with my recovery. I know I think of my ex way too much. I am really trying to move on, yet I still hurt so much from the agony of the rejection and all.

    All of you still with such a person, please do not be as blind and stubborn as I was and see the real shell of a person in front of you. Get out, Get out

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    • Domino, Thank you for sharing your story and the pain of the aftermath which is something we all take a very long time understanding and reconciling. You are very right about the bible. I am by no means a Christian. However, I could not have made it this far in my journey to wholeness without having connected to my spiritual base. There is an oft repeated theme I discover in the stories shared with me and read elsewhere by the woman and men who have experienced their own sociopath: most speak of an awakening of the spirit, in some way. You are going to be free of the self-blame and shame soon. And your children will be witness to the transformation of you as you grow into an even more beautiful and loving human being. Surviving this takes strength. Never underestimate yours. ~Namaste!

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  45. These pages are so sexist it makes me sick. Every time I see an abuser consistently generalized as a man and the abused so consistently generalized as a woman I feel like I’m just reading a list of racial slurs or something. How could there even really be content in something so offensive.

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    • Nicole, I am a woman and my abuser was a man. I can’t change those facts or change my gender. No one who comes to these pages, as you call them, should lose sight of that very basic fact and then try shaming me for sharing in the way I share. I support men and women. But I can only write as a woman. I apologize if that offends you.

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  46. Wow this article id dead on. I was with a narcissist for 4 years. It was an emotional roller coaster. He cheated on me and kicked me out our house and had his back-supply ready to be his new “love of his life”. , according to him I didn’t know what I was talking about there was no other girl. I had logged into his Facebook and Email to read their messages. Well I had to laugh, he told her everything he told me when I first dated him, he takes her to all of our “special places” and he is even calling her by my pet names. I reached out to her telling her the TRUTH, but my ex has her so brainwashed that she started calling me a bitch and saying I was trying to get attention. Oh boy she is in for a surprise when her “The One” turns into prince harming. They are moving fast, very fast its been less then a year. And they already know everything about each other haha. But according to him I’m the “crazy” one.

    He had me fooled, he blamed ALL of his exes before me for their failed relationships, saying they had insecure issues, and how different I was. He kept comparing me to his ex before me, after 4 years I had found that I was the OW. i felt sick after I got him to admit that to me. He is a repeat offender. He is playing victim and even had his mom call me and threaten me she was going to come to my house with the cops because i kept trying to contact him for my stuff. My ex ignored me when I needed to get the rest of my belongings. So now I have been 6 months of no contact and had to give up on getting my stuff from him.

    I stopped looking at his and his new supply’s online profiles because I see he doesn’t really love her and that he uses her, just like he used me. I started questioning him and speaking up and he didn’t like that. He’s 30 years old and is a big baby. I had seen evidence that he’s even cheating on his new supply when I first caught them together. She thinks he’s being faithful to her, she kept posting things about how she is his princess and goddess and she is the one for him, that they were meant to be blah blah blah. Its sad and I am walking away with my pride and healing. I know they will end, and it will be bad because he has emotional baggage from just being in a 4 year relationship, plus unresolved issues with his previous exes and a whole lot of mommy issues. any girl that shows a guy she is willing to be the other woman and stand by while he is still having sex with the current GF and living with her, she shows him she is insecure and not worthy of respect. I don’t feel sorry for her. She will see what he really is and look back and remember I tried warning her.

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  47. I’m a narcissistic sociopath. But the trick is, I do everything listed above. I give girls EVERYTHING they want in their soul mate. For at least a year– and up to 3 years. Then, when they don’t see it coming, I say “good-bye” and leave. On my terms.

    You can’t escape the talented ones.

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    • Don’t give yourself so much credit. 🙂

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    • Are you serious?! Talent or ignorance!! If you are so talented, then why the hell are you perusing here? Stroke your ego elsewhere and go post how wonderful you are in the “legends in their own minds” section! Hmmmmm…didn’t see that one coming! To even admit that reveals your true talent of knowing how miserable you really are with yourself!

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    • Nelly, I think this guy is just a frat boy who fancies himself something he isn’t. I plugged in the email address he provided into Facebook revealing a profile of your typical, young punk party boy. A true sociopath would never admit he was a sociopath if he looked like THAT. A true sociopath would at least give me a fake email address leading me to a much more attractive person. Hehe!

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    • you are going to end in shit, just a matter of time..

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    • Hey SoulCrusher we dated. Remember? You were the roller coaster the psychic vampire…telling me the names all the other girls called you. Proud to be an a$$hole. And you didn’t give any of us what we wanted in a soul mate to do that you would have had to have seen us. But you can’t see. So you think you did it in your terms. But we are all free now. You are imploding your own soul – no one else’s. Sad part is you like to think that we are just someone you used to know and for us you are nothing.

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    • Soul crusher you don’t like who you are and what you see in others you cant stand because they are all you are not but wish you could be. If I was you I would get with God and learn to love YOURSELF- when you do , your life will no longer be so miserable.

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  48. Fakkeeee get out of here Nigerian I know all about your “spell caster” scams

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  49. […] just found out the sociopath has a new girlfriend, a new soul mate. To top it off, he married […]

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  50. It is nearly midnight on another day that will invariably result in a nearly sleepless night, followed by a day of working in a fog and trying to keep my heart from bursting through my chest in pain.
    I have loved a passive/aggressive, narcissistic, sociopath for 4 years. Let’s make that an ENGAGED then MARRIED P/A, N, S.
    Since both God and the devil are in the details, both will be entertained by the full story:
    After a painful divorce which resulted from a painful 23 year marriage, I moved from Colorado to Missouri. Ugh. The move from my beautiful and familiar surroundings to a place like this felt so foreign. I felt unhinged and untethered. But my one child and her husband were here, so I gravitated here believing I could hide and heal. Not so lucky.
    I had lived and worked here for a year when I met P. My daughter and son-in-law invited me to a local burger place. We placed our orders and when my burger came up, I proceeded to pick it up and was standing putting condiments on it when I heard a voice from above. Really. This beautiful, deep, voice suggested I try horseradish on my burger. I looked up into the face of the most handsome, 6’6″ man I had ever seen.
    I thanked him, smiled, and went to take a seat with my kids. He went back to his motorcycle group meeting – and then reappeared, pulled a chair up next to me, and kissed me on the cheek. I was floored. He returned to his group again, and as I was leaving he approached me, gave me his business card and kissed me deeply on the mouth. I was stunned – pleasantly so. He told me there was more where that came from – and he asked for my number. I gave it to him – of course!!
    My family and I went to a movie – 5 minutes from the burger joint. P texted me all the way there. nI was “stunning”, when could he see me again, blah blah blah. When we came out of the movie and I turned my phone back on, I had 18 text messages from him. I called him – we met for coffee. And the whirlwind began. That was June of 2009. Talk about time flying. We went to dinner several times, walked the summer streets together,w here he took me to see his grandparents home, of which he shared fond boyhood memories. In short, I thought he was letting me get to know him.
    The sex was amazing. Hours of lovemaking – the most uninhibited I had ever enjoyed. Text messages during the day, telling me he wanted me – he missed me.
    In late July I got on Facebook and sent him a friend request – he accepted. When I went to his home page I found that HE WAS ENGAGED!!!!
    I was furious. Mortified. So I sent a message to his fiance, telling her that I had been seeing P. Exit P from my life. For a couple of months, anyway.
    I met someone else, started seeing him. Fall arrived. I took myself on a tour of the city, taking photos of the beautiful autumn trees. I took photos of P’s grandparents’ former home, and I mailed him copies. It was a gorgeous house with beautiful trees. I still longed for P – and it felt good to send the photos to him.
    Within days he contacted me – we met at a dog park where I had taken my dog to exercise – and we returned to my house and made love the rest of the afternoon. He didn’t say a word about his fiance. I didn’t ask.
    We started seeing each other whenever we could. I was swept away – again. We texted often, called and laughed and talked together. A year later he was coming back from a job he had been working on out of state = and he texted that he loved me. I replied that he must have sent that message to the wrong person. No – he insisted it was meant for me.
    The loving words continued for the next couple of years – interrupted by a photo he sent to me of him in his tuxedo in New York (never mentioning that he had just gotten married), I learned from his wife’s Facebook page that they had married – but this time I told her nothing. Every time I thought of contacting her, I thought of how he looked at me so lovingly and longingly, like I was the only person on earth. If I told her, I would be betraying this man who loved me like no other.
    As the years progressed, we still saw each other whenever we could. But his behaviors were odd. We would text each other, tell each other we loved each other – sometimes for weeks in a row. We would then meet, make passionate love, and I would hear nothing from him for days – until I would text and ask him to let me know if he didn’t want to hear from me anymore. He would come up with an excuse for not having contacted me – his stepdad was sick – one of his children with his second wife was having problems – he had been really busy at work. I would feel neglected and forgotten – until he would text and ask me to go out of town with him while he worked on a project (he’s a civil engineer and his company sends him out of town).
    I am so ashamed to admit some of the things we did together. He actually took me to his home and we made love in his bed – when we were finished I was lying there looking around the room, and saw the six wedding photos of his wife hanging on the wall. I felt sick and left. He asked me to his home MANY more times, even offering to remove the pictures of his wife if I would just come over – but I couldn’t go. I really did begin to feel like the whore my actions betrayed me to be.
    The last week in May, P did something I never expected he would do to
    ME. He lied to me. I was so incredibly hurt and angry. How dare he? Sure, he lied to his wife CONSTANTLY – but why would he lie to me? I’d had it. I was furious – I called his wife and left a message, telling her that P and I had never stopped seeing each other. P called me within a couple of hours – he had obviously been crying – and begged me not to call his wife anymore because SHE was so hurt!! He texted me and asked me not to take my hatred for him out on her. I didn’t hate him – but I had honestly grown so tired of being the one who knew everything and loved this jerk anyway – maybe she could carry some of that burden.
    The following day while I was at work, I received several texts, telling me that he DID (past tense) love me, but that he loves his wife more. Right. Because this is how you treat someone you love.
    I knew that he must have lied his way out of the situation with his wife years earlier when I sent her an email telling her about us. She clearly hadn’t believed me – she married him, after all. So I proceeded to forward several of the text messages I had received from him to her. I didn’t forward the intimate photos he had sent to me – but I did forward the loving words. And the message about how he HAD to go on a cruise with her and her parents, but he really didn’t want to go. Maybe, just maybe, she’ll catch on this time. But probably not.
    Here are some things I haven’t yet told you: This incredibly brilliant, talented man has trouble holding a job. He was an associate professor – lost that job. He had his own firm – he had to take bankruptcy. He is on his third marriage. He claims to love ALL his exes. He bragged to me that he is the most passive/aggressive person he knows. I TRIED to walk away from him – several times. But he would woo me back by telling me things like I was the only bright spot in his dismal days, and I would never know how much he loved me (got that one right). He made me feel special – on purpose. And I needed to feel that.
    On the evenings before he would take trips with his wife (she’s a travel agent of sorts, and out of town a lot), he would drink too much and call me, begging me to come to his house – ostensibly to help him with packing, or to take him to buy batteries for his flashlight – or some other silly reason. I’ll never know why he felt he needed me so much during those times when he was going to be with her – and away from me – but I never went. The last time he did this was right before the big explosion in May. He was meeting his wife in New York for a week of fun in celebration of their upcoming wedding anniversary. He’d had too much to drink, and called me. We talked for a long time – he asked me what I really wanted – and I told him that I wanted someone who loved me best. He asked, “What if that turns out to be me?”. I told him it wouldn’t – he had chosen his wife over me, and he was where he belonged. He responded that he had NEVER been where he belonged.
    So here I am. Alone. Again. And devastated, I tried to send a text today to tell him happy father’s day – he has blocked my number. I am no longer serving his purpose.
    Oh, and another thing. I bet you think he’s a young man. No. He is in his late 40’s – his wife is in her early 50’s. We are ALL old enough to know better.
    I am completely broken. I love this man still. But I don’t think he has the capability to love anyone. And I really have no hope that I can ever love or be loved again.

    Thank you for reading my stupid sad tale. I needed to share honestly.

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    • Dear Tana, wow that is quite a story. I am sure if you knew all of ours on these narc blogs you would be able to relate. Yes, you will get over this guy–once the addiction wears off. Yes, you are lovable and will love again. And somewhere down the line you will find that hsi overt behavior of kissing you on the mouth a total stranger, and 18 text messages from someone you don’t know will be red flags that they could possibly be a socio-path. You will also come to understand that a man who lies to his wife will also lie to you–been there and done that as well. Hang in there–you will find lots of support on these blogs. Study the illness, become informed and learn about these socio-paths and you will start to feel better.

      🙂

      ivonne

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    • Because you have these fears, you are on the right path to finding love again, Tana. Don’t allow a person like this man to take away your ability to love. You have the power within yourself to see this experience for what it is: a lesson. I know, we hate lessons, but there are some that really make our lives better moving forward if we can pull our heads out of the fog and begin to see clearly again. Like Ivonne mentioned, it takes time. Don’t give up. Keep reading and following blogs like this. 🙂

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    • This “P” guy needs his his ass kicked,and I would love to do it. Tana,Im glad you got it all out,I bet that felt good…but really,I want to dry gulch this guy. What a tool!

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    • Tana, i have love a Narcissist too, but … you knew he was disloyal from the moment you knew he was engaged. seriously. you KNEW. you poor woman, i kno wit hurts, horribly, i am right there with you, but you continued to see him even though you KNEW him to be a liar, a two timer. Did you really think he would end up with you? i guess you must have held out hope. Hope is a disgusting thing when you love a Narcissist. he knew you were insecure enough to be the other woman from the get go. He was bound to block you.. my narc, while actually being almost self aware, feel he “helped” me a lot and that i should go on needing his help, so even after i realized he was over me, over the arguing, and me being “needy” and overly emotional.. he seemed to be still planning to be a “friend” that is, keep me around and “help” me so that I could go on pining away for him and trying to compete with his new girl, when he got one, suspect he had one lined up already. But instead i told him all about Narcissism, frankly and surely. and while i know i am far from perfect, i pointed out to him how he was in fact the cause of the Rollercoaster emotional rides that he tried to blame on me. he said, he liked things “flat” and tried to tell me that i LIKED the rollercoaster. What a lot of complete bullshit, i am a woman, and not a narcissist or sociopath so i have FEELINGS and im SUPPOSED TO. perhaps i have more than most, perhaps im borderline Borderline, if you know what i mean.. but he was actively working to make my ups and downs worse. So that he could feel that all my emotions were about him. When a narc is numb, they can only feel like they are REAL if other people are intensely emotional about them. So your narc needed his wife and an auxillary woman to make him feel alive. the mistake lies in YOUR accepting the position of Auxillary Woman. I hope you can heal and not put up with being any asSSSSssSSsholes second fiddle! i know im not gonna. I still pine for my ex and its been what, five whole months almost since he snarled “you want EVERYTHING so i will give you NOTHING” and stormed out to his car and roared off. I will miss the sex, but for almost all the time he was with me, i already missed a sense of being loved and being emotionally close to someone who WANTS to be there for me.

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  51. I just became involved with a man that wanted to sweep me off of my feet. He has tons of women as his friends and “only 2 men” as his friends. He tells me about all of the wonderful traits that his female friends have and their great qualities but rarely tells me of mine or at least what he feels that I have. I’m both thankful and grateful for finding this post. Although I’m a Christian, I still believe in good old fashioned common sense that HE gave us to survive. God bless.

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  52. I read this entire thread with the hair on the back of my neck standing up. Oh thank you all! Fog lifted! Here’s my takeaway from all the other associated blogs and websites I’ve seen as I searched the topic. (I don’t even remember how i got on the topic, except that I was browsing facebook pages and sharing posts on my new counseling page)

    “Don’t mistake my interest in your well-being as a sign of my interest in being your victim again. Evolution to a higher mindfullness includes compassion for the pain that created the pathological behavior, and only that. It takes awhile. BUT settling for the quick fix of *hatred* as a means of healing is not healing at all.”

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    • …meaning: Hurt people hurt people, and new sociopaths are born that way. The only direction is up. Down is self destruction. Sideways is letting yourselft become a newly spawned sociopath. Up is evolving. Move on up, I say! When you are able, when you are ready. Put on those hiking boots and move on up…let the fog lift when it lifts; you’ll be on higher ground if you keep climbing and the view will be exhalting. The pain will be there, but your tolerance will be its constant mitigator.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Elphaba! Your message is clear and uplifting. 🙂

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    • I agree with Elphaba , it is not healing it will only bring you to think and dwell more on negativity.I have been through four years of this narcissistic hell, I had to cut him loose, I made sure he knew that I was every bit as special as he was and that I was every bit as smart etc. My parents have been married for over 50 years they have never ever put me down they are humble and they have instilled in me a sense of self worth. I will always know I am a worthwhile person, that has helped me so much. God bless the child that has his own and that narc aint getting any of mine!

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  53. Dear Dennis, given the type of sociopathic lover that all of the people on this blog have had I sincerely doubt that any one of us would want them back in our lives, so thanks but no thanks –don’t think we be needing any kind of voodoo/santeria help from the grand dr. ogun

    ivonne

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  54. I’ve just left my new husband we’ve only been married a small matter of months, he when first met him was amazing charming funny really passionate loving and made me feel unique amd special. He told me a pack of lies about how all his exs were mental and crazy and he was sooooo badly done too, obviously fell for it. We had a misscarrige last year and he started to go downhill and wasn’t supportive of me neither. As the months went on in the lead up to the wedding he started to heavily drink and pass out drunk a lot and wet the bed. Straight after we got married he was out of control drunk all the time which caused rows and hed stopped showing me any affection except when drunk. I kept asking him why he was so un affectionate which wound him up leading to him attacking grabbing and punching me when drunk. After his family threatened to disown him he stopped drinking which ment he was down a lot cos he wasn’t self medicating with booze and it led to him moving out (we were still together) and we just couldn’t stop arguing because he wouldn’t tell me were I stood and if he loved me or wanted to come home. Plus he kissed another woman at xmas when drunk last year. He tried for a week to ake it upto me but gave up when it didn’t immediatley make me get over his deception. Now I’ve packed his bags n told him its over now I’m reading this page and I’m convinced he’s narcassistic

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    • I am sorry you are dealing with this, Becki. It sounds like everything went to pieces quickly. They assess us, then seduce us. Once they think they have us exactly where they can keep us, their true colors emerge. It’s usually right after a marriage or some other “contract” we sign or commit to with them. Total con artists of the worst kind. 😦

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  55. I am so thankful for my Ronnie , to bad it took so long to find him.. After 21 years it still seems like yesterday when we first met. The one great thing about my life is him. He loves me unconditionally .I sure had my fill of the narcs in my 20’s and early 30’s

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  56. Hold on, this story is long and exhausting, and seemingly too bizarre to be true- but it all is…

    My story starts out 17 years ago… my parents gave me a world atlas for Christmas. Wanting to go somewhere, but not knowing where, I closed my eyes, flipped the pages of the book, prayed not to end up in the Arctic Ocean when I put my finger down to choose where I wanted to go. When I opened my eyes, my finger was resting on Hyderabad. I said some day I will go there. Of course, being so young and everything, life happened to take over… that is until the Summer of 2011 when I found myself suddenly unemployed, broke and bored. I spent a lot of time on Facebook that summer to save my unemployment. I am 29 at this time. One day, I was sitting on my font porch (I remember it being June 21) smoking and playing with my cell phone when I get a totally random message… from a guy who lives in, of all places, Hyderabad. He is 19, but I detected that he was a lot more intelligent than a 19 year old would be. We get to chatting regularly and everything and then it turns into Skype sessions where he introduces me to his famliy there. We would chat frequently on Skype and Facebook. That’s when I get it into my head to make my dream of Hyderabad a reality. So, I get three part time jobs, working about 80 hours a week, starting in December of 2011. By May of 2012, I am able to start financing my dream. During this time, there is a little bit of a romance blossoming between this guy and me. He told me he loved me, told me he wanted to marry me… blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I fell hard for this guy, and I trusted him because I met his family over Skype and talked to them. So, we agree on November for my big trip so we could finally meet in person. This is my first trip outside of the US and my first trip alone.

    I got to Hyderabad, but didn’t tell him I was there… wanted to surprise him and surprise him I did. We met on November 12 and the fireworks were instantaneous… the attraction that we had to each other online was even more intense in person. There was talk of love, his friends teasing us to get married already, me shy about it all. And then… yes, we had a physical relationship. I took his virginity. I promised him, when I left I would be back. So, we kept up things online, though he made me feel guilty about not doing things (sexually) while I was there. That is, until he starts acting strange and talking about how he made some sort of mistake that he couldn’t talk about, all the while begging me to come back… this time to his hometown of Varanasi. So, I went on the masochistic work binge, even harder this time. Working 4 jobs, about 100 hours a week. The strange part of all of this is he would NOT contact me on Facebook… only through another messaging service. His “likes” on Facebook seemed to be changing too, from liking pictures of all sorts of girls to liking pictures of babies and children, and posts about how rape is bad (this is about the time when the Delhi rape happened) and how women should be treated with respect. Also, he would post things in English, have his conversations with people and then erase the status if he believed I would see it (later learned this is called gaslighting). As my trip to Varanasi comes closer, he starts acting more abusive towards me, as well as his friends online, posting statuses aimed at me to demoralize me. If I posted anything about my feelings- nothing aimed at him specifically, he would deactivate his account until I took it down. He was the master at the push and pull- saying one thing one moment and then taking it back the next. I start piecing things together and it turns out he got a girl pregnant… a girl he met the same day we had relations. He was hiding his relationship with this girl (who is a Christian from Shillong, by the way and a total psychopath herself- she cuts herself… or used to before he came into her life and started acting like her personal god) and begging me to come back at the same time. Needless to say, the trip was cancelled because of this… because I could not stand the thought of being sexually used by him… again. The way he treated me towards the end of all of this was so bad that I wanted to commit suicide and almost did- three times. He is now splashing all over Facebook how happy he is with her (though she seems to have him totally p*y whipped) and how great his life is, all the while making me out to be a villain and wedge in their relationship.

    The whole experience of this has made me terribly sad, made me lose faith in god, ruined my reputation through his abuse to endear the girl he wanted to marry him (Triangulation). He is getting married… on the same day he met her, the same date we had relations… and I just do not know how to move forward feeling that all the sweat, blood, tears, going to work when I was sick, walking to work when my truck broke down in sub zero weather, letting my epilepsy come back (I have seizures if I do not sleep), working through a psychological illness (I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from pushing myself too hard the first time and second as well as due to some other things that happened on my way to Hyderabad and some of the things that happened there) the soul and effort I put into all of this was for nothing… that 17 years of my life had absolutely no value. I guess I just wanted to tell you my story and see if you had any of your great words of wisdom, or if anyone else had anything to offer me as advice at how to deal with being played, used, abused online, being humiliated online to the point I can’t even be myself anymore (I have had to create a whole new Facebook account because of him, his friends and his abuse)- and now I am seen as the crazy psycho ex who wants revenge (I don’t) and then being used to manipulate the next girl in his life.

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    • Thank you for sharing your story. You are NOT the ugly things he is projecting back at you. Those are all him. You must not worry about what others think. I know that’s hard. But you must realize that you matter and you are a good person with a lot to offer. You must learn to love yourself and respect yourself again. You’ve been selfless for too long, and I your selflessness is at the root of your self-loathing and shame. Make a list of all of the things you have sacrificed for him. This list will clue you in on the goodness inside of you because only a caring person who thinks of others first would sacrifice themselves in such ways. Then take that list and start doing those things for yourself. Be a little selfish for a change and don’t feel ashamed about it. Talk to a trusted counselor or friend who has the time and patience and discretion. And find new and better friends willing to support you for you and not reject you because of some silly, insecure boy with nothing but heartache and pain to offer others. 🙂

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  57. I just want to say thank you… I have been up crying and reading things on the Internet upset about a past relationship and googling a few words brought me here and I’m glad they did because the truth I just read gag me the strength to realize I deserve better and I can wipe these tears for the last time and work towards a better me for my soulmate and children. …. Again thank you 🙂

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    • I’m glad you found my page, Melissa. You DO deserve better! 🙂

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    • All of this is so true. It is so sad how people are wired this way and intentionally mislead others and rip their worlds apart. I will never understand someone intentionally and methodically setting out to mislead someone and take advantage of them.
      Yep, it happened to me too…..said he was my “soulmate”, forever, we had finally found one another, EXCELLENT SEX (truly), so special…blah blah blah…all of us naive ones must have been in the class across the hall from these soul sucking methodical masterminds! Scary how they can pick us out…finding this website tonight has really been a blessing.
      One thing is for sure that all of us in the naive class can count on is God’s timing and ability to take the people out of our lives that no longer serve a purpose there…accepting that is the hardest part, especially when you are so in love with the idiot that has conned you!
      All of you reading this comment, it is so good to know that there is light at the end of this foggy tunnel. However I ended up on this site, thank you! We WILL survive!

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    • Thank you for sharing, Nelly1224, and for your encouragement and hope! Emerging from the fog happens when you least expect it, but it DOES happen. 🙂

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  58. It was interesting to read your experience with sociopathic behaviour. Or abnormal behaviour, so to speak.
    My story in short. I met a guy/doctor, 34yo online a month ago. Since the very first moment we felt connected. We talked and talked and couldn’t stop. Next day I obtained an email where he emphasized all of my qualities and that I made an unbelievable impression on him. Later that day he asked me if he may take me on a trip, that it will be a surprise. Later he sent me his weekly schedule, so I’d exactly know which days he is available and asked me for another date.
    I felt like I am in heaven. He behaves so responsible, he doesn’t play games, he is honest, I thought to myself. On our second date we went running and he didn’t forget to mention he was thinking about me a lot. Next morning he described a dream he had about me. Very strong words – he said he was wrapped in my long hair and felt so safe, that he had absolute trust in me.
    Next day he asked me for another date. I thought to myself, it’s a little too much but I gave in and went out with him. We had several dates after that and after each of them he used to write me very long emails about how different I am from any woman he has ever had. That each of them only had a fragment of me. That he suffers when he is not with me. That he doesn’t need to pretend anything while being with me, he can be natural, himself. He called me his “water of life” which is nurturing the roots of his inner garden, etc.
    I described him in one of my emails that I lost my baby last year and he said he will take care of me if we’ll ever have a baby. He wrote this after ONE WEEK of knowing me. He carried on making short/long term plans. He assured me about his love, telling me he loves me, wrote poems, wanted to introduce me to his brother. When I didn’t respond to his text msg in few hours, he asked me if everything is ok and than apologized for being insecure. He made me feel special, saying I am unique, amazing and what more could he want if not me. 14 days ago he pointed out, he feels more towards me, not only being in love but responsibility towards our relationship and his feelings got deeper.
    In that moment he started to have problems with his erection for several times but it sorted itself out in the end.
    Nevertheless, the problem took it’s tool but he said it only made us stronger.
    However, how surprised I was when I received email last Saturday when he explained he cannot continue in our relationship because of his unresolved feelings due to his divorce which emerged all of sudden and he needs to deal with them. (By the time we met he was 4 months separated from his wife while settling the details of the divorce. When we met, he convinced me he has all emotional problems sorted out, he is calm about it and ready for another relationship. He lived with his wife for 5years and he decided to leave her after she told him she never loved him and she only married him because of his money. She also added he wasn’t a good lover and lacked sense of humour.)
    In that last Saturday’s email he explained that those feeling weren’t as resolved as he thought, that he needs a peace of mind and solitude, be alone to deal with it and cannot be in a relationship but he need to heal. I talked him out of it, we went into his house but I felt that he is so distant that I left saying it will be better to end it up instead of torturing ourselves.
    He repeated he needs to be alone, that he suffers from those feelings and is unable to be in a relationship.
    Few days later I found out he is active on dating website.

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  59. Stella…..
    Thank you for your gracious reply. For what its worth, no one..not even you has walked in my shoes…so judgement against me isn’t your place. I have in recent weeks talked with my husband and he is now aware of everything..see unlike the N..I do have a conscience…and I realized I had to tell him everything…I admit I let myself get wrapped up in something that I never in a million years thought I would. But, I have forgiveness from the ones that matter..my God..my husband, family and myself. maybe I am pathetic…but, the fact that I
    can admit to my mistakes..call it what it is..a sin…and rise above it..says alot about how far I have come. Nothing physical ever happened and for that I am most grateful…it was all head games and I was not equipped to handle such viciousness from one person. I have always given everyone in my life the benefit of the doubt..and if I caused this person pain…I was only trying to fix it. yes, I’ll admit..I thought perhaps I was supposed to be with this person..after all…we had been slighted our chance at a life..or so I was lead to believe…I have learned from my mistakes here…in a HUGE way. I am not the same trusting person I was a few years ago. But, regardless of who is to blame or what the circumstances are…pain is pain…and I was hurt..and honestly…I can say that it has brought me and my husband closer….thru this we realized that we both had just gotten to a place in our marriage that we were going thru the motions…both of us…Anyway..it’s all being dealt with..I won’t say things are perfect here..but, because of understanding we are both working on things…and things are good….if not a not better than they were. I could blame alot of things on what has happened here…mid-life crisis, hormones (menopause)..husband always working, empty nest…..I could do that…but I won’t I accept the blame and responsibility for my actions….I hope you have a nice day! 🙂

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  60. Wow! I thought I was alone.. The man I was with was a true expert of decepyion and lies. We actually graduated high school togther. 23 years later we started talking on facebook. We met at buffalo wild wings for our first encounter of 23 yrs. He came on strong from then on.. The next day he showed up at my door with 23 long stem roses. Thats how many years since we’ve seen one another. Telling me he loved me by second week. I told him we need to go slow and that made him come on even stronger. He eventually made me fall hard. Everything was about me. He said I was his soul mate. lol.. He was everything I could ask for in a man. He always opened and closed the car door for me, Told me he loved me every single day, He said, I saved him because he was addicted to drugs. etc.. So i thought. 4mths later he proposes and yes, i accepted. Only to find out he was playing me with his ex the whole time. He cryed and begged me not to leave. Even pretended to committ suicide in the bathroom and left a suicide note. He played on my weakness being my father committed suicide when I was 5. I took him back.. It was never the same and when we broke up this final time I found out he was still doing the same thing he was doing before. Playing me with his ex girlfriend of 8 yrs whom he shares a child with. Whom he left me for. He was in my bed one night and in hers the very next. This past month has been difficult but it’s made me see that it was him not me. I beat myself up because the signs were always there. The truth is he was the mirror image of my soul mate.. lol.. I have truly learned a lot in my 42 yrs.. This has definitely made me a much wiser person. I don’t wish this on anybody..

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    • Thank you, Donna. Because I wouldn’t wish this on anyone (not even the aftermath of self-blame), I keep writing and sharing my blog and other bloggers who have experienced similar. As you alluded to, the best part is that we are wiser now. 🙂

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  61. My mouth is full of testimonies, Am miss PRECIOUS E my husband left the home for two years to south Africa for a tourist, where he meant this prostitute and he was bewitch by the girl my husband refuse to come back home again, i cry day and night looking for who to help me, i read a news paper about a powerful spell caster called Dr okadaka and i contacted the spell caster to help me get my lover back to me and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods we fight for me.. he told me by mid-night when all the spirit is at rest he will cast a spell to reunite my lover back to me. and he did in less than 3 days my husband came back to me and started crying that i should for forgive him, i,m so happy for what this spell caster did for me and my husband.. Dr okadaka of almightyworldsolutiontemple@gmail.com

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  62. Im just blown away by all the blogs,almost in tears….there isnt one that doesnt sound like my husband!I mean everything….ive been blamingmyself for so long,looking at myself trying to figure out what ive done so horribly wrong??He leftagain in january,of course its my fault,i stopped all contact,but within a week he was trying to make himself known,texts ,driving by,anything…oneday he will tell me he is on his knees!!!im his world…and as soon as he gets me to respond,he backs off,texts stop,he starts saying yet again its my fault,on and on….as i read through this site all i could do was shake my head,,,,every single blogg sounds like my life….and yet i know this!!!i get strong,somedays,and then i fall weak again,he knows the words…and what makes it worse for me is he is a police officer….he knows what he is doing!!!im so fustrated at myself for continueing,scared sometimes,and other times just blank…just numb….i hope someday i can truely say im away!! and that i know what true love is …

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    • Angela, I’m sorry you are in the place you find yourself with your husband. Part of our inability to walk away for good relates to being accustomed and conditioned to the treatment. Stepping away for good has withdrawal symptoms, as if the relationship were an addiction. I’ve been there and many readers have been where you are. But it is VERY possible to get through this. It just takes time and patience. Be patient with yourself. Do not blame yourself. Talk to a trusted mentor or counselor about your struggles. You are better and deserve more than a relationship with your husband can offer to you. Freeing yourself from the grips of the “addiction” is the best thing you can do for yourself and those in your life who truly love you. 🙂

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  63. […] he loves you so much and wants you to be perfect and better and to love him the way he loves you. You’re soul mates, remember? Shaming and blaming you into getting your act together is how he demonstrates his love for […]

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  64. Can anyone please help, I need to know if the person I have been in a relationship with for past few years is a narcissist.
    I joined a gym and the person was an instructor there. I had been going through a terrible personal time and it showed. He approached me and said he had always liked me and gave me things to read, coffee vouchers etc he said his marriage wasn’t very good.
    He then approached me for a relationship, when I said that I didn’t think that type of relationship was right and that I would love to be friends for now he told me to stop wasting his time.
    I should have let it go there but was unloved and lonely at the time and felt sorry as he had been so nice.
    I contacted him and apolgised and it started from there. He told me a very personal secret and then asked if I had one. To cut a long story short he kept asking about my personal sexual habits and said he wanted to see me with another man, I was horrified but let it go. He said he never watched porn but when I arrived to see him one night I walked into the room to see a porn movie on. He had a folder of porn on his laptop and claimed his son had downloaded it and he didn’t want it there but never removed it.
    Of late he started to make comments like ” bit on the side” and asked me if I knew what friends with a benefit means, I was offended by this as I felt he was subtly referring to me. He had all the wonderful talk eg I was his soulmate, wanted to marry me after first encounter and still does, calls me beautiful etc however when I say I love him he says “well I haven’t heard that in a while and if he says it I can’t say it back as then it has no meaning. There is so much more weird behaviour, fighting with people, finding fault with others, saying I probably think of other men etc. I decide to end the relationship as it is wrong and I cannot go on, of late he keeps asking do you think we need a break. When I said how I felt he said have a nice life I set you free.
    Any help or advice would be so much appreciated, I know I’m in the wrong and just want to strive to be a better person, I always felt in my gut that something was not right but I was scared of having noone

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    • Anonymous,

      Regardless if this guy is a full-blown narcissist or not, he is behaving like one. Ask yourself, “Does anything he does that seems kind make up for his manipulations, ugly behavior and lack of respect for you and others?”

      I would guess your answer would be “no.” You have no connections or ties to this man that would make walking away difficult. You are not married to him or have children with him. It’s not easy to step away from people we have invested time and attention. But how much more are you willing to endure? The more time you invest, the more dirty secrets will be revealed and the more you will feel sorry for him, which is what he wants (maybe not consciously) in order to keep you around.

      Use your super-human powers of empathy and compassion in a relationship worthy of your attention. Good people reciprocate care. These fools do not, not genuine or sustained care. They might be able to fake it for a while and cry and beg for forgiveness, but it’s fleeting and empty and you have better things to do with your life than deal with this guy’s drama.

      I hope that helps in some way. 🙂

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    • Thank you Paula, I really appreciate your advice

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    • You’re welcome. 🙂

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  65. Just to let you know, I have nominated you for a Liebster Award – I enjoy your blog thoroughly and read it regularly. Please check out my website for the rules and regs about passing it on.

    Both psychopaths I encountered were very skilled at trying to appear to be the perfect “soul mate” – both used flattery and “love bombing” a heck of a lot in the beginning, and it was downhill from there. I even remember thinking (fleetingly), “Ok, this guy is full of it,” but yet I still got sucked in.

    Thanks for putting this out there; I definitely don’t buy the “soul mate” concept anymore, and I think it gets a lot of vulnerable people into trouble.

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    • Thank you! And I said the same thing, “This guy is full of it.” But then I just thought, “If he needs to believe in soul mates and someone being the one, I’ll let him think that it’s me. What can it hurt?” A lot!! When these types do this, they put us on pedestals that we don’t even realize we’re on. Then when we prove NOT to be as perfect as their fantasy, we are attacked and accused of all kinds of ugliness because we let them down. We aren’t perfect like they NEEDED us to be. It’s quite sad. Their happiness depends on our perfection and our perfection depends on us allowing them to control us. As soon as we start exerting our free will and behaving like the imperfect people we are, BAM!!!, the soul mate persona is shattered and we become enemy #1 to the sociopath. How dare we be imperfect! 🙂

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  66. I feel we need to tread lightly here on the meaning of soul mate. While a true soul mate might do those things listed and do them for the extent of the relationship. Be Careful!!! My ex N exhibited all of those so called ‘soul mate’ traits in the idealization phase of our relationship but, he was only faking it. acting the part until I was in too deep. Someone in the idealization phase of a relationship with a narcissist is going to look at that list and feel/say he’s all those things!! Taking things VERY slowly with a new love interest and to not dismiss the ‘red flags’ when you see them is the way to go. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire!

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    • Good point, K for Kelly. The idolization phase doesn’t last long, though. If we keep the soul mate list in mind, we will spot the abuse and control sooner and question it before we end up marrying or running off and eloping with these wolves. Those first few months of any relationship, even with non-pathological types, should be taken slowly and discernibly. Unfortunately, our emotions get the better of us. We enjoy the attention and adoration. It’s human nature. We love being loved and end up living in a fog if not careful. 🙂

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  67. Yesterday was Good Friday and I witnessed a man filled with the goodness, maturity, kindness and compassion I desire in a spouse. If he has a wife, she is one fortunate woman, as this handsome man was pushing his 10 year old son in the grocery cart… The child obviously had severe down syndrome. His dad was smiling, happy and said, “I have a helper for life and I love being a dad.” Wow!! What a great attitude, one that I witnessed passing him in the isles earlier. My ex constantly complains about having to work (even though he can steal my spouse support being self employed in a business I launched), and has the most negative, angry attitude about everything now. We met so young, that I did not realize that his emotional immaturity was profound until he took our money and spent it on solo vacations and strippers rather than the IRS, mortgage and bills. The stalking and gas-lighting has been intolerable, and no doubt healing will still take some time. I was thankful to see an example of a wonderful, good man and father who had no reason to put on a mask for strangers in the grocery store. They do exist, and I will never fall prey to an abusive man again. I’ve done my homework and now know what to look for. No narcissist or sociopath will ever take advantage of me again. A lack of empathy, compassion, remorse and guilt can be detected, even with their “mask” on if one is educated in what to look for.

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    • Yes, Survivor. There are MANY good men in this world. Many!! Healing takes time, patience, and a lot of self-love. Have faith. 🙂

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  68. It took the death of our child and all his lies in marriage therapy for the truth to be revealed. He was handsome, charming, generous, romantic, kind, loving, passionate and my “soul mate” for decades. I understand trauma, but it ripped his mask off to reveal pure evil and an attempt to destroy me… After I witnessed my precious child dead. My home, business, credit, money, pets and serenity also had to be taken from me. After a few years of the abusive, horrifying and evil treatment, I finally divorced. God is my husband for now, as he has spared me from lethal depression and the disability of a breakdown. Most tell me that I am a walking miracle and are shocked that I can ever laugh and smile… My ex can only ask me “WTF did you get done today?! (as if it’s his business)~ He whines that he has to work, even though self employment has allowed him to steal most of our money, while I can’t seek employment until I resolve all the creditor and IRS problems due to his lack of responsibility in paying our joint bills. The stalking and gas-lighting in the last few years is just a bonus to ensure that he can still control my thoughts. I take comfort in the fact that he lost a faithful, loving, honest and loyal spouse, while I can only improve starting from here. His handsome exterior will not last forever, so he will eventually become a blob of immature, wrinkled, human evil… Not much of a catch anymore. The thought actually makes me more sad than anything else, as I truly, deeply loved him and a part of me probably always will.

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    • Survivor,
      I am so sorry you lost your child. I would agree with those who call you a walking miracle. As you allude to, many would have hurt themselves or even killed themselves to escape the pain. And it’s your compassion and empathy as a good person that allows you to continue to love this person. A part of you loves a part of him. It’s normal and healthy and allows you move to forward without the debilitation of hate. Thank you for sharing you story. Many of us, I’m sure, will be thinking of you always. ❤

      Like

  69. Im out of a narcissitic relatiomship, I am not recovered. Im lost and need help.i thought he loved me

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  70. If a soul mate exists for each and everyone of us do they exist for sociopaths as well? Just curious…

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    • To answer your question, I think we need to answer this one first: “Does a person have a soul if they don’t have a conscience?” If the answer is yes, could a sociopath meet any of the criteria I list for what a soulmate should be? None that I have known or heard of. And in order to connect with others on a spiritual level, we must first connect with ourselves. Again, an act no sociopath I know or have heard of has reached or succeeded. Thanks for the great question!

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    • Good point and thank you for the thoughtful reply! However, on that premise, you are labeling a person as either having or not having a soul. On that note, one can also ask: Does a retarded person or an autistic child not have a soul simply because they don’t have emotions or a consciousness and may not be aware of their actions? Simply labeling someone as either being or not being a sociopath is not enough. As with all things psychological, sociopathy is a spectrum disorder, meaning it rangers from very subtle to the extreme cases, mostly criminal in nature. If you come out of the sociopathic spectrum you will still find people that may have sociopath-like tendencies. An extreme example of that: Denzel Washigton’s character in American Ganster, a cold-blooded killer who loved his mother very much. A counter example of that may be Hugh Laurie’s character on House who was by all means a narcissistic sociopath, yet he was a force for good. Of course these are fictional examples but they can relate to the real world.
      Dealing with the criminals it’s easy, you lock them up and throw away the key because they are cannot function in society. Also, with the types that you describe which are harder to identify and whom pray on others, avoiding them is the best approach.
      However, these are still pretty extreme cases. The point that I’m trying to make is that labeling someone in a black/white manner is not realistic and doesn’t always work.

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    • Note, I did not answer the question. I said “if” the answer is no. I’m not here to answer such a very personal question for anyone. Also, victims don’t honestly care where on the spectrum their abusers fall. They are abusers. Period. It’s like trying to determine how much of a murderer a murderer is. If someone killed 1 or 5 or 20 people, that person is a murderer. We use tools provided to us. Even psychology/psychiatry experts don’t touch this without opening themselves to criticism. Bottom line, I’m not here to help the narcissists or sociopaths figure out themselves. I’m here to help victims and survivors identify and recognize the face of abuse that has been traditional overlooked by everyone, including law enforcement, family court and many domestic violence support services and shelters. As far as labeling someone, who is labeling anyone officially? No one. These people will most likely never be diagnosed officially. However, if a victim/survivor wants to label their abuser in their mind or to their closest friends and loved ones as a sociopath, I am all for it. It’s called self-preservation. The more convinced we are that someone is dangerous to our emotional, spiritual, physical, mental, and sexual health, the more likely we will avoid all contact with that person. This isn’t about THEM; this is about US. No one is expected to like it or support it. Until you’ve been blind-sided by someone like this, you may never completely understand. But that is your blessing, in my opinion. Thank you again for your feedback.

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    • Dear Paula, may I congratualte you on such an intelligent response to Anonymous. I truly appreciate the comparisson to a murderer–to what degree murder 1-2X-3X 5X as to what degree a sociopaths. I too am all for labeling someone what they are. Sociopaths and Narc’s are pretty textbext in their behavior so quite easy to label them if you have been involved with them. Not only should they be labeled but I think their names should also be put out there as well. And yes a socipath has a soul, a dark soul just like the devil. Lest we forget that the Devil has a soul as well–just doesn’t function live everyone’s soul. Oh and to anonymous I think you meant to say “prey” as in predater not pray as in say a prayer to God. 🙂

      Ivonne

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    • Thank you, Ivonne. 🙂

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  71. What a powerful post. This is very similar to what my ex was like. SO hurtful. It’s so sad that he is like this. I will get over the pain he has caused and I only hope that one day his eyes will be open to the pain that he is feeling inside to act this way.
    ~DIVA~
    xo Hope ox

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  72. […] quite amazing how much he knows after only knowing you for a short time, too. It’s like you are soul mates or something and you’ve been waiting for him to come and save you from being burdened by all of these tough […]

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  73. Being in the throws of a Narcissist and a well versed and educated woman myself I thought I ought to have seen the signs….. Goodness me, how could I have been so blinded, so captivated and gullible! It took less than 5 months to discover the real person behind the fascade.

    It started off by him belittling me whenever I challenged his random statements. It then went on to the fact that he feels he cannot trust me so he wants full access to my cellphone and work laptop. When I stopped him dead in the request re the laptop things went from bad to worse.

    EVERYTHING was a fight to get me squashed, to make me rely on him, he isolated me from my friends, kept his but made sure he sowed enough ‘tall tales’ about his male friends being such players and low class people to hopefully keep me at bay. Accused me of having boyfriends on the side… my friends husbands.

    One afternoon I wasnt feeling well so I went home early, and I wasnt home 5mins when the door BURST open with him red-faced and ready to kill… I watched from the top floor how he ran into the kitchen, lounge looking for something. Eventually when he saw me, he immediately regained composure and asked me how I was feeling. I asked him why he came all the way from work to ask me that, he could have called… his answer ‘I wanted a cup of coffee’
    I put it down to his insecurities, after all, every single woman in his life did him in – they cheated on him he said….. SHAME POOR CHAP was my immediate thought.

    I burned my leg on the exhaust of his motorbike (3rd degree burns) and he didnt bother to take me to the Doctor and 5 weeks down the line he told me that I was looking for attention by faking the whole thing. He broke me down by saying that he finds it so hard to feel sorry for me because he knows Im a liar as I lied to him once about something so this applies to my whole life.

    These are but a few ODD incidents that led me to take a step back to view the situation with less naivety and slowly retreated into myself. In fact when one looks at things as they ARE not as we want them to be, things start to make sense.

    One day when he physically abused me, I knew this was not where I wanted to be – it was the catalyst for me to get out. I played it very nicely, made it seem like it was his idea to break up in the first place! His ego after all was of utmost importance to preserve. The day before I moved out, I went to get boxes, and I have no proof, but my motorbike was tampered with.

    Suffice it to say that it took me about a year to get out of the habit of feeling bad for everything I said or did, to make matters worse I blamed myself for being duped… I didnt know at the time that he is such a good narcissist – he learned all the tricks of the trade and I was caught in his well spun web.

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    • Judy,

      You have described your experience so well from the love bombing/idolization phase to the discredit/discard phase. Yours moved quickly. Good for you for being so aware and understanding how it needed to be HIS idea to end the relationship and not yours. I’m sure it made things much easier.

      I also want to note that many of us believe we are too smart or too educated or too self-aware to allow a predator to make us their victim. I despise when someone listens or reads my story and/or stories like mine and says, “Oh, I would never allow that to happen to me” as if we invited it in and allowed it. Once more people understand that we all are potential victims only because we are good and trusting people, will the information be as global as necessary.

      Thank you for sharing, Judy!

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  74. WOW!! This is EXACTLY what I have been through..TWICE..with the same man in my life!! In high school…over 30 years ago..date for 4 years..he had me so wrapped up..and he cheated so many times..but it was always my fault…I caused him to cheat!! LOL…After we broke up…it took me 4 MORE long years to recover my self esteem and self worth. Met and married a wonderful man..we have three beautiful children and two wonderful in-law children! Now, two and a half years ago..here comes my ex! At first we were just friends…but after a while he began to tell me he had never gotten over me..always loved me..in fact he said he had been married and divorced three times, because the exes never measured up to me! Yeah..talk about being a HUGE ego boost for me…anyway..things progressed to a relationship of sorts..never physical…but emotional…he said all the right things and wanted me and our chance. Through all this I was still married and things were ok here…until he slowly started to say things that made me look at my life here as troubled..very troubled. I started to think I was supposed to be with this person….He was always very handsome..and when I saw him for the first time after 30 plus years…I was NOT disappointed! We began making plans…blah blah blah….HOWEVER…what he had not told me was…that he was living with his second wife and son. And that he had tried to take his own life…years ago because he wasn’t with me. Talk about guilt!! But this was only the beginning. Eventually the fights started…he would profess his love..then come back and tell me it was over.. because he could never trust me…he even went so far as to tell me that I had cheated on Him in high school..This never happened..but, after months of browbeating me with “the FACTS” and that he SAW it happen..I began to believe it did and that I had blocked it out. UGH!! Now, get this…his family, siblings, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews…even his friends began to warn me.. subtly at first…then it became even more insistent that I needed to walk away…(he of course told his whole family we were back in contact). They said he is crazy and mentally unstable. I just reasoned he needed to be loved unconditionally and understood..again UGH!! This past September it all began to unravel..I started feeling like this were outta sync. That maybe he was even seeing someone else. The fights escalated…he became even more indignant with me…it didn’t matter what I said or did..I was always wrong..and if I sincerely apologized…he never accepted it..NEVER!! Man..I was jumping through hoops…all the while my marriage was suffering and I was powerless to do anything about it! Although let me say this…by this time I knew I was never going to leave my home to be with this man…I was beginning to see the truth….In Oct. I took a mental break from all of it..began praying again…which I hadn’t been doing for awhile….my husband knowing I was going thru something was kind and gracious to want to help me thru whatever I was dealing with. I think he knew…I had told him that we had seen each other..and he knows about how things were HS…And he never liked this person, even though he has met him. Anyway…the big showdown came in Dec. I finally had the guts to call him out on EVERYTHING!! The lies, the manipulations, the controlling..ALL OF IT! Needless to say…we parted…not even being friends. He still tries to make contact …which is beyond me why he would..knowing that I have figured him out. I just ignore him….and have begun putting all my efforts into my marriage..which is going beautifully right now. I do plan on telling my husband about all of this..when I feel like we are on more stable ground. The biggest task I have been dealing with is fixing me..regaining my self respect, worth and esteem and realizing I was not and am not the bad person here..but the VICTIM..his VICTIM. Sorry this is so long…but I needed to tell my story..to those who would understand..that know how easy it is to fall for this type of person. Thank you for your time….and God Bless you!

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  75. Where was this article 13 years ago and $100,000’s + later? I too have heard it all – what’s even worse, I am the first wife. I am watching the cycle go on with all the other “The One’s”. I am so happy he got tired of our “loveless marriage”. Still dealing with him because of children, which is difficult lots of girlfriends, lack of stability, etc (he is also high function alcoholic, with many addictions). They understand him, accept him for who he is, despite himself. They know, it’s never Daddy’s fault! LOL!

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  76. Reblogged this on Unleashing The Goddess and commented:
    This post goes right along with my previous post about the beginning of my relationship with N. I feel into a trap “I have come to understand the following: the narcissist simply enjoys being in the throes of the newness of love. The newness of first meeting and the ego boost/narcissistic supply is intoxicating to him; and he blossoms at this stage (like we all do, right?) But the narcissist takes this stage to the extreme and foolishly believes and expects it to last for eternity. He creates and shares romantic visions of the future. He talks about growing old together. He puts his love interest on a pedestal. She is the most beautiful, the smartest, the best mother, the most ambitious. He never wants to leave her side or spend a night without her. And he says these things to her repeatedly, like a mantra or a prayer, that is meant to hypnotize her into full and complete submission. This is when he plants his seeds of control and domination, the foundation for future abuse.” This is exactly what happened to me! I see it so clearly now. This is a hard but necessary journey I’m on to rediscover myself and learn to trust in myself again.

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  77. Is the narcissist always male?

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    • A sociopath can be either male or female, DLO. Unfortunately, most male victims of female sociopaths don’t speak out about how they were treated. And the stories are fewer. A good example of a female sociopath is Michelle “Shelley” Michael, the nurse who murdered her husband Jimmy back in November 2005. The true crime book covering the story is titled, “Playing with Fire.” Also, 48 Hours Mysteries covered the case also, and the episode is titled, “Death Without Mercy.”

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  78. To echo someone else’s comments earlier, this dynamic is not limited to the heterosexual world. I am gay and recently went through the exact same experience. When I read the post, I was floored – it was like my exact situation was being described. I am so glad I ran across this posting…it really cleared things up for me.

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    • Fantastic, Tony!! Few men reach out or speak out, but we know it’s happening. Love and relationships aren’t supposed to be so complicated. It’s unfortunate that any of us have to seek validation by reading stories and posts from strangers. But it’s often our last resort but also our saving grace. 🙂

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  79. You should make this gender neutral. I know a woman just like this.

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  80. I keep thinking its my fault where was I lacking that he kicked me out of his house

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  81. This is happening to me right now….all of you would be shocked if I shared my story with you

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    • Probably not. I am sure your story could be anybody’s story here. Sadly these men function in text book manner. Gota wonder if there isn’t a school for socio-paths out there somewhere…….

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    • How can anyone treat another human being so horribly. He abused me, tried to control me emotionally be threatening divorce and when I called him out on anything all hell would break loose.

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    • Zeyra,
      You’re not alone. Many good people, men and women, find themselves the victim of one of the most insidious type of abusers that exist: a narcissistic sociopath. They don’t feel or have empathy for others. Their conscience is non-existent regardless of their ability to cry crocodile tears and express what appears to be remorse. (It’s not remorse; it’s a performance to drag you back in so they can control you some more.) Everything about these people is fake. Every interest they have was stolen from someone who had real passion for life. These passionless people will make every effort to suck your passion from you. Why? It goes back to the basic adage: misery loves company. And that’s about the extent of their ability to love, as sad as that may sound.

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    • and finally he kicked me out of his house in the middle of the night in a country that was strange to me when i had left everything for him … these men dont care about anything do they

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    • They only care about controlling whoever gives them permission to control them. That’s why many refer to these types as Emotional Vampires. They need an invitation to enter our lives and until they are asked to leave, they’ll suck your spirit dry. Sounds dramatic, but drama is what they feed off of. They are sick people. He threw you out because you challenged him in some way. I was tossed out like a sack of garbage on a couple of occasions myself. They enjoy degrading us.

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  82. This has been the hardest part for me.It’s one thing to grow out of love but to realize that the person never really loved you, that what you heard were just empty words—that is the hard part. And it doesn’t help knowing he said the saem things to the first wife or to the current wife. And as strange as it sounds there are times that I have to wonder what was so wrong with me that he didn’t marry me but married two other women. Twice in my lifetime this man chose other women over me. I know it’s not a rational thought and I know he has a mental/emotional disorder but there are times that I do wonder, what was so wrong with me that he never chose me.

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    • First, keep in mind he didn’t marry the others for love. He married them because there was a benefit for him: health insurance, social standing, or the woman’s family demanded it. The boy in my story married once because the woman was facing deportation. He would have lost his narc supply. He became engaged to another because she wouldn’t buy a home and put his name on the title without that promise. He wanted to marry me to rub it in my estranged husband’s face. If you were to ever meet the boy, he’d tell you he never proposed to any of us. Hehe! So delusional. You dodged a bullet. He didn’t marry you because he couldn’t see the immediate gain. Don’t feel like you are any less than the others. You were more, it seems. They only had value with a license. 🙂

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    • I know what you say is true but I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it. Especailly because he did it twice to me. You do question your own worth. I know that this is my demon that I have to work on that feeling like I am not good enough, which I know stems from my own childhood relationships with the parents.

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  83. Sounds like my ex. In the beginning we were the perfect couple, and he proposed to me after two months. Then he began abusing me subtly, emotionally. I had no idea the depth of the lies he was weaving to keep me enthralled. But of course, everything that went wrong was my fault….

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  84. Reblogged this on The Eternal Victim and commented:
    You been rite beside me for ever…just only spotted you recently I am a C*NT! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    You are a big soppy ball of LOVE….that is why I bloody love you!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I hate thought losing you
    will miss you tonight xxxxxxx
    You never need to let me go………even if you get the marriage back on track and perfect….I will be by your side as a loving, caring, respecting, doting proud friend who no one will better as a friend..I will be there on your shouilder till the day we breathe our last breaths……………we fucking ROCK!! xxxxxxxxxxxxx
    I have waited all my life to find a soul mate. You have happened to me.

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  85. OMG THIS WAS MY LIFE… Word. For. Word. I have been on your site for hours, I cannot seem to stop soaking up everything there is to soak up. In my mind, as I was reading this post, I was watching a movie re-enactment in my head the whole time… then I realized it was just my memory. HE KNEW, * AND KNOWS*, WHO TO PICK AND WHO TO STEER CLEAR OF; and only having recently realized this I find it absolutely astonishing. It’s like pure, evil genius. It would be amazing if it wasn’t so disgusting, devastating, and diabolical.

    I read somewhere recently that these people find “us” and in their initial sweeping us off our collective feet they show us everything we haven’t accomplished yet in our own lives. I took that to mean not just overt, measurable accomplishments (like, “I CLIMBED MT EVEREST!-type accomplishments) but also accomplishments of personal and spiritual growth: forgiving your father, forgiving yourself, taking charge of your own life, etc… So when the gleam in their eye for you represents all the acceptance and love and encouragement you thought you needed to do all these things or to make NOT having done these things ok; you follow gladly. My dad (you know, the one on the pedastal? Even though I took him off it for quite some time when we left our family? Yea, that one. Well I put him back up there… My dad, my hero….) Well, he died. Three months later I meet Dr. Jekyll! Coincidence?? Probably not. There are none.

    I probably looked like a cool, refreshing pool in the middle of the desert– all ripe and ready for him to jump right in and fill the void!!

    It’s amazing what the passage of time shows us, isn’t it?

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    • There are no coincidences, you’re absolutely right. I often kick myself for seemingly allowing myself to get sucked in. But then I think about how much I have become awakened to not only these types, but to myself and the work I need to do for me. I’m no longer blind. I am no longer moving about this life on auto-pilot wondering what might become of my life. I now feel like I have a little more insight into how I’m supposed to live and how I’m supposed to love and be loved. I’m definitely a better mother and a better wife and a better friend to many. Your journey is going to be one of the most painful yet most fulfilling you’ll ever experience. But that’s life, right? 🙂

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    • Hi, I cant find where to join the conversation so hit reply instead – I am so paralysed after 10 years with one of these people (having very recently ended the relationship) but am so confused! He is everything described here but so much more too yet he doesn’t steal (borrows but puts back) and as far as I know hasn’t cheated on me….I am completely and utterly broken and just in the process of moving home because I lost the home I am now in because of his unfulfilled promises/fantasies…….K

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    • I’m so sorry, Karen. Please don’t hesitate to send me an email if you prefer offline support: paula dot carrasquillo at me dot com.

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  86. Reblogged this on Black Knight and commented:
    Add your thoughts here… (optional)

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  87. So true with both of my JERKS! One just had a weird unpredictable approach that took me off guard! He had to pass away for me to see it, I was so close to fall for it! So damn scary!!!

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    • No more “in the fog” thinking. Fairytales are nice, but we really need to be more realistic about what a true fairytale is all about. I think you know now. 🙂

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  88. Sounds a lot like my Borderline Ex, but of course there are a lot of similarities in Cluster B Personality Disorders, so no surprise there.

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  89. Oh my gosh, every single word you’ve written here is exactly the reality of living with a sociopath. Thank you, too for the beautiful list describing a true loving relationship. It helps to be reminded of these things.

    Meeting “him” – the monster boy- I was led so so sweetly down a beautiful garden path with all of the sights, sounds, smells, and feel of the most enchanting life I could have ever dreamed. Your description is word for word of the hypnosis that was persistent and pervasive. Paula, your reports of what they say are like from some manual that they all read (if they actually read anything at all!!).. Well, the path in the beautiful enchanted garden where all my dreams came true ended with a door that opened oh so effortlessly onto a dark steep staircase that descended into a dungeon of hellacious imprisonment. I was psychically and emotionally kicked down the stairs, locked in only to be brought to the kitchen to do all of the cooking, livingroom for the movie (yes, the requisite watching of the movie with him EVERY night), and worst of all the bedroom which I’m still to sick to my stomach to describe here. Unbelievable….

    Well, thank goodness I too got free, so so grateful to be able to read your words. I just read your book too! Yeah, I’m right here with you! Oh, and the fork thing was not an exaggeration at all…
    Thank you, Paula,
    Linda

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    • Oh, Linda. I am so glad you are no longer in that dungeon. No need to retell the bedroom stories; no need to relive THAT! I’m glad you read my book and the fork thing…you wanted to do that, too?

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    • I can think of a lot of things I’d have liked to do with that fork besides hold it in a different way!! We really do not have to be nice when were being abused. (Bless you for getting rid of Darryl)

      Yes, out of the dungeon and into the light. …and wearing the clothing I decide, and having my hair the way I decide, coming and going freely, eating what and when and how I want again. I’ll never have my old life back because I now know too much but I’m hoping and praying it will be better in that I will never allow this behavior into my new life in any way shape or form. …and that trust?? Will it ever be possible again? Maybe were evolving now to share with others in a much much higher way. Thank you, thank you for joining me in this much more beautiful and higher connection.

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    • You’re inspirational, Linda. Your words are poetic and moving. Trust will come. Being here is a step to trusting more.

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    • Thank you, Paula…just talking about it helps so much… 🙂

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  90. Love the criteria about soul mates and how it made me think of my husband. I also love how you addressed the need to “rescue” the narcissist and show him or her a new way of loving and being. I have been down that path too many times, thinking it would be great if I could show a narcissist about love. Because so many of us are invested in transformation and change, it’s difficult to remember that a narcissist does not want to change.

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    • So true! Life is about transformation and change but if you are delusionally convinced that your way of being and thinking is perfect, then there will be no growth. Narcissists are stunted. They go nowhere. I want to grow as much as I can in this life! 🙂

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    • I too have been down that path so many times. Don’t think I’ll go again. Only grow and grow and transform myself, in the garden of my own heart. Thank you Kimberly, and Paula.

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    • That will be my phrase for today “in the garden of my own heart”!! thank you

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    • You are beautiful, Kimberly. WE are beautiful, all of us here in our own hearts. No one can take that away, ever. Thank you for sharing your vibrancy and strength.

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    • What a wonderful comment for me to open today, Linda! I am copying what you wrote into my day planner “We are beautiful, all of us here in our own hearts.’ What a wonderful sentiment to remember.

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  91. Spot on Paula! Every last word resonated with me! Great post!

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  92. this is so good! i was wondering, how were you able to trust again? it’s amazing that you were. 🙂

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