Shatter the MythSince I started writing about emotional abuse and domestic violence in January, I have become more and more aware of many myths people have about what domestic violence is and why women are so angry about having lived through it. I want to shatter these myths:

Myth#1: It’s only domestic violence if he hits you.

Myth #2: She’s just angry and bitter because he doesn’t love her anymore.

Myth #1 Shattered

Domestic violence is control and power. Domestic violence is any act upon a spouse or intimate partner that takes away their free will to act physically, emotionally, or sexually. Here are some examples I personally lived through:

  • Locking your girlfriend in a bathroom is domestic violence.
  • Locking your girlfriend outside of the house with no shoes or keys or purse is domestic violence.
  • Stealing or hiding your girlfriend’s phone, car keys, computer, or any personal item your girlfriend values is domestic violence.
  • Calling and texting your girlfriend non-stop throughout the day just to make sure she is where she claims to be is domestic violence.
  • Telling your girlfriend she is a bad mother just to make her feel as miserable and as worthless as you is domestic violence.
  • Telling your girlfriend she’s a whore and sleeping around because she won’t have sex with you is domestic violence.
  • Blocking your girlfriend from being able to walk away from your rages is domestic violence.
  • Smashing a lamp above your girlfriend’s head when she does finally walk away from your rages is domestic violence.

Control, power, and fear. Those are the main tools of an abuser. If you choose words or a fist to get the job done, that’s your preference. It’s all abuse.

Myth #2 Shattered:

The truth is that none of us survivors are upset because our exes don’t love us anymore. (That’s actually what we want, so they’ll leave us alone, you see.) We are angry because some man who claimed he loved us so much took away our ability to love ourselves. That is what pisses us off the most. We are not bitter and vengeful over having our hearts broken on some romantic level. We are angry because we know now that we didn’t deserve to live a single second believing we were unworthy of our own love.

Please visit NOMORE.org to take a stand against domestic violence.

Category:
abuse, Child abuse, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Health, Mental Health, Narcissist, Peace, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Relationships, Sociopaths, Spirituality
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Join the conversation! 27 Comments

  1. Good post Paula! There are many myths about domestic violence, like;
    The woman must like it if she stays.
    From my experience the physical violence healed long ago but I don’t know if I will ever heal completely from the emotional and mental abuse.
    My ex used to say with a roll of his eyes and a snort,”You talk like I come home and beat you every night. I only hit you when you deserve it. You know I hate conflict, but you always cause it.”

    I am so sorry you lost your baby, like you said hopefully God was saving the baby’s soul. What kind of animal says and does that to a pregnant woman? A soulless bottom feeder.

    So glad you are away from him.

    My ex commented on my blog yesterday and called me bitter. Damn right I’m bitter, he tried to destroy me and every aspect of my life. He called my followers F%&ing Lemmings
    Lol I call them friends.

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    • I don’t understand why they read our blogs let alone comment. They were in denial while the abuse was happening, so it’s not like time and distance will change their minds. I think they do it because they are miserable and friendless and need someone to criticize, and we were easy targets before, we must STILL be easy targets.How wrong could they be, right?!? Attacking your friends? That’s the most childish form of belittling there is! How sad for him. You have achieved so much with your blog, and nothing he says could change that. We just keep moving forward while they TRY to come up with excuses for their bad behavior. 🙂

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  2. Wow. Great post. The ending statements of why the women are angry after DV is heart-piercing. If you are worried about DV maybe we can help.

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    • You probably could help many, Ultimate Lock! My X used a combination lock on his door. He could change the combo anytime he wanted to. How convenient! Do you offer combo locks? I don’t think any woman (or man) should be giving the key to their house let alone the key to their heart to anyone too soon. Thank you for commenting! 🙂

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  3. Well written, Paula. My ex did many of those things (and other similar ones) long before he ever hit me. And yet I knew it was abuse. He did not. I still don’t think he does.

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    • My X has an excuse for everything listed with the finger of blame pointing straight back at me. They are delusional. I am sorry you were in a similar hell. I’m VERY glad you are out now, Aimee. Very glad! 🙂

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    • Me too 🙂 It was long ago, and I found a wonderful man. None of that BS with him 🙂

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  4. […] Shattering Myths about Domestic Violence. […]

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  5. That’s such a terrible list. What an awful man.

    Just like rape isn’t about the sex but the power to take the sex, domestic violence isn’t about hitting another person, but the power to hit without resistance.
    No one gets hit on the first date. Many aren’t hit until the honeymoon. There’s a build-up for the abuser to be physical with the abusee.

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    • And I saw his escalating. I was witnessing the build up and got out before he hit either me or my son. Who shakes and threatens a pregnant woman by saying he’ll take her baby from her before she can even hold it and she’ll NEVER EVER see it again? Only a monster. He’s living his hell on earth.

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    • I truly hope your monster never does get to take your baby from you.

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    • I miscarried soon after this threat was made. Was it God protecting the soul of the child? I’d like to think so. Helps me keep believing that there is justice and goodness in this world.

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    • I know that must have been terrible, but, like you said, maybe a blessing in hindsight.

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  6. i really am sorry you guy , are and have been so wrongly treated . i was lucky in love met my hubby at 13yrs when he told me he would take me away from the bad life i had with my family .. you name the abuse and i had it ladies … but the last 32yrs have been wonderful . oh yeah we had our ups and downs .. NEVER violence though .. i think if you are unhappy change it get out life is too short to waste .. wishing you all the very best in life hugs anita ❤ xxx

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    • Thank you, Anita. I am very happy you are in a loving and healthy relationship. You and everyone else deserves nothing but a life free from abuse and control. XOXO ~Paula

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  7. My ex did everything on that list except lock me outside, plus a whole lot more. Bad mother? Yep, because I allowed my children to live in the same house with him!

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  8. MY problem is that I don’t NEED his love but I WANT it and THAT’S what’s driving me insane!
    I keep thinking I hang on for more traits to Google and trying to PROVE that I and I alone CAN fix him because????
    How can be such a loser and NOT love me?
    I WANT him to love me so when I DO leave, he can feel the pain.

    yes-i know-he is NOT capable of love and feels no pain and there isn’t ANYthing i read that will change that……but….i still hope/think i can. (?)

    I NEED A HOBBY!!! lol!!

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    • Gaye Lynn, just leaving him will piss him off because knowing he can’t control you anymore is his worst fear. He WILL feel pain, just not the kind a normal man would feel when the woman he loves walks out the door. He WILL cry; he WILL call begging you to come back. The pain he feels is like the pain an infant feels when its pacifier is pulled away. He knows he has to cry so someone will either bring that same pacifier back to him or he’s on his own to find a new one. Let him find a new one. 🙂

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  9. My ex’s girlfriend wrote me a nasty message on my blog last week to tell me that I am just jealous because she has my “husband’s love and devotion.” I am pretty sure she was drunk. I am not jealous or even angry anymore. I just wish our son didn’t have to spend any time with the duo. As for his love and devotion, you cannot have something that someone is incapable of giving.

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    • Yes. The new girlfriend ALWAYS thinks that. It’s unfortunate, because it’s how the abuser clouds the judgement of the new girlfriend, “Oh, she’s just upset because I don’t want anything to do with her anymore, and I told her so. She’s just jealous because she lost me. She’s just jealous because…” They are in La-La Land if either of them actually believe the lies spewing from the abuser’s mouth. They certainly do not have love or devotion to give but they wear a convincing mask, don’t they?

      It’s good to feel angry and to purge it. It opens the door even wider for healing. I am glad you have no more anger. I wish family courts would get a clue and stop allowing these abusers to have access to the children. It makes me sad just thinking about it.

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    • Amen on the kids. I left him…that’s what she’s forgetting, or has been lied to about. She’s been lied too a lot. I was lied to a lot, too, for years and I didn’t catch on until about 18 months before we left. Yes, they are quite convincing.

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  10. i totally just shared this on my facebook, i know a lot of people from my page read my blog and some have actually reached out to me via message so i thought this would be a nice read for them! thank you!!!

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