In the aftermath of sociopath abuse, we become bewildered and confused for many reasons. The source of our greatest confusion is the sociopath’s ability to “recover” so quickly and move on to his/her next and then the next and then the next soul mate.
(“Must be exhausting!” was my initial reaction to the boy’s endless, revolving door of victims who came before, during and after me.)
Unfortunately, we sabotage our recovery, because we have a tendency to judge ourselves against the qualities of all of these new girlfriends and/or boyfriends, when, instead, we should be examining and applying what we know about sociopaths to the sociopath.
The sociopath is not the same person he/she was when the sociopath was with youย and seems like the absolute perfect and ideal match for theย new significant other, a.k.a. the new victim, right? Well, what you observe is true. The sociopath isย different, because the sociopath is no longer mirroring your values but is now mirroring the values of the new supply.
It’s perplexing at best:
>>You wonder how someone can turn off and on values (and many times conflicting and polar opposite values) so quickly.
>>You wonder how you could have been so blind to the sociopath’s mask and false character for so long.
>>You beat yourself up thinking the sociopath is different today because you didn’t allow the sociopath room to grow inside the relationship.
>>You keep thinking the sociopath is right about you and that the sociopath wasn’t happy with you because you made the sociopath unhappy.
>>You question if the sociopath is even a sociopath. After all, the new girlfriend/boyfriend seems awfully happy and so does the sociopath.
Remember that sociopaths are predatory chameleons. They have no identity and no values and must take on the values of their new victim to blend in with the new victim’s surroundings (including their friends and family). Seeing this “miracle” makes the victim that got away (you!) wish you hadn’t gotten away.
How absolutely absurd, right? You do not want to be back in that place, do you? That place where every action and desire you had was judged and placed under a microscope, right? Where you didn’t know from day to day if your choices would be accepted, rejected or used to shame you. Where life could sometimes feel euphoric and then suddenly feel like a dungeon. Where everything floated in uncertainty, denial and hopelessness.
You do not want to be back in that place. Of that I am certain.
Rejoice in the fact that you are no longer tangled inside that web. Rejoice that you have values that helped you wake up from the haze and fog the sociopath used to hypnotize you.
The sociopath didn’t suddenly change overnight. The only thing that changed overnight was the sociopath’s target. And the best way to attract and entrap a target is by looking and acting and taking on the values, interests and concerns of the new target. It’s how you were lured, remember?
The sociopath does not change.
It’s only a matter of time before the sociopath’s latest soul mate and circle of friends catch on and make their escape. The cycle will continue, and the sociopath will once again be forced to smear those people and frolic about altering his/her values to blend in and fit inside a new crowd of unsuspecting victims.
What a hell of a life, huh? Must be exhausting to have no identity of one’s own.
Namaste!
~Paula Carrasquillo, author of Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath
Your Healing Frequency 
29 responses to “Can you spot it? The sociopath as predatory chameleon”
Wonderful articles and posts! The chameleon tool they wield is remarkably disturbing. When you realize they are not the same person with you as they are with someone else it feels like you are in the twilight zone. It’s surreal. You start to doubt your sanity. For me it was a person who played as though he was religious, depicted mannerisms as if he was a sweet, gentle creature, and was profoundly polite and careful of my feelings for years. I use to love him as a friend first and foremost and just and awesome individual and often worried about whether or not he was okay quite a bit because I knew he had a tough childhood and I felt bad about that quite a bit. I wanted to see him defeat obstacles in his life he faced successfully. He thanked me in return by promptly dumping me to for someone that he engaged in attempted robberies with on innocent people-like Bonnie and Clyde. I couldn’t believe for years this sooo polite and sweet individual was robbing people at gunpoint with his woman and he was delightfully rubbing his new relationship in my face very chance he could. I was hurt of course and told him I thought she was bad news and he was headed down a wrong path because I really did not want to see him in jail even if we weren’t together anymore and he snapped at me and said “…so what’s taking you so long to finish school…you’re not done yet?” Additionally, He then showed up years later and laughed in my face in front of another woman when I told him I still cared for him. I was so stunned and gutted that I cried until I almost threw up because I thought maybe I was losing my mind. Were it not for articles like this and access to understanding what this condition is people have I would have died mentally. I wish this experience on no one. Not even my worst enemy. I wish this not even on him. It is painful and no one should have to endure that. I just have tremendous sorrow for some
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Thank you, AtPeace. I wish this upon no one as well…for all the reasons you list. ๐
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Who is Phoenix? I see people addressing Phoenix but I see no posts signed by this person. It makes me wary to share since my ex lives in Phoenix. Sounds stupid perhaps, but I now exercise caution in all that I do.
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awareb4 is Phoenix Rising…she signs off as PR. ๐
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Thank you!
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You have to. Sad but true.
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There was an evening – during the abusive period – but before it peaked and I went NC – when the narcissist was present in a group I was with out socially.
During this evenings the conversation reeled around following people around the group resting on this or that subject and then moving on… normal… peaceful… happy…
In these contexts more often that not I am quiet and observant – I am a quiet person, liking being there but not happy to simply talk unless I have something to say however very often I will have thought so much about what I want to say that when I do make an utterance it feels awkward to me – I am a little aspie… for me this is normal… so I stay quiet and wait for fewer people…
I watched the narcissist during this evening – listened as he would raise his voice to cut through a conversation – sometimes with a tangential point – often about him… then he would sort of relax back to his phone – detaching – then – and this was the most interesting part I remember, I was fascinated by this – a subject might turn to I am guessing something he would disagree with, a trigger for him maybe, and he would stiffen – almost like he was assaulted – I would see him then lift his attention from the phone and soon cut into the conversation again… but it was this physical stiffening that I found unusual.. that stuck in my memory..
Since he engineered my exclusion from the social group online he does not tend to meet in person like this – which for me is great – but has exerted his wish to cut through my opinions with exclusion from a group – a google forum – a little like he this stiffening manifested as ostrasism…
Within this group however and among others on a wider stage he is not recognisable as the person who spent a year covertly manipulating and directly smearing me – he is overtly thankful to others – often offers advice – has a growing group of followers who refer to him like he is some standard to be adulated…
The discord between this and my experience is hard even for me to reconcile – it brings doubt to me – luckily I have a diary that recorded all that happened – I can hardly look at it never mind open and read because almost every page contains some of the pain of that time – but it reminds me – grounds me that it actually did happen… The others dont have this diary and I see that when they think to this time – the abuse – they blame me – see it as my doing.. something I have surrendered to realising that the more I tried to correct that perception the worse I looked – the more I confirmed the smears…
He is not at all an abusive person among others – chameleon like as you say – I can see at times others begin to question him – poke fun at him – whether they will suffer as I did I dont know – I have surrendered also any desire to see this happen – in fact I dont care.. my focus is almost fully on my own recovery.. which is aggravatingly slow and difficult…
But it works, there is hope – cut them off – ignore them as much as possible and frame your experience as a positive, something that has shown you a nasty and horrid time but something that will lend contrast to all that you find to be beautiful in your life – for me – I hug a little tighter – I smile a little more – I tell someone I love them maybe when I would have let them feel it before – I am kind and I am gentle maybe more than before and this is a gift to be treasured.
This chameleon quality is a powerful weapon dissonant and dangerous… respect it.. step away.
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Thank you, silkred. I appreciate your thorough description of his detachment, disconnection and stiffening. They are always ready to pounce on that which does not fit into their philosophy of control. I can only imagine the context. ๐
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In a way the context is secondary.. Mainly for me it’s his almost perverse normality among the others… Its that I see as chameleon like… ๐
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Phoenix, my beautiful light! I thank you for your comment but you know I have issues on clarity thanks to my ex, so forgive me when I go into clarification mode. I am working on it!
Agreed, with the standing and I am standing, although barely on trigger days/moments but I keep remembering you told me fight and I said I would. Therefore, I am doing my best to keep my word and more so because I am worth fighting for ๏. Thank you again Phoenix for the love and support, I really appreciate it and I hope others do as well.
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Your welcome Anonymous ๐ Always!
Be careful with those ‘triggers’ as we sometimes pull them ourselves.
Clarity is a new vision & you are going to find it soon.
You never ‘get over it’ but, you do ‘go on’ & time & loving helps.
Love comes in many ways so, embrace everyone & thing you love & feel it ripple through you like a slow ebbing tide. It laps around you until it envelop’s you fully. I am sending you a big cyber hug filled with love (((0))) it’s not a spider! LOL….
Keep up your great work on yourself. We all have those days but, I had them before & after so, it’s the process of life.
Just different days & different reasons. Look how far you have come & focus on what’s ahead & not behind you. You got this far so, keep going. It’s not a race & there is no prize. The prize is you & you have already won. ๐
PR xoxo
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Paula, youโre welcome but I thank you for allowing me to share. I am also glad to see you shared a source to be used instead of personal information because many are suffering. A lot of people feel obligated to share personal information due to the child/ren.
I can also understand about your ex and what you said to his lawyer and that is why I put out the warning for everyone to be careful. Unfortunately, the judicial process is not always in favor of a victimโs reaction due to trauma/abuse and further victimization occurs a lot.
As for your ex wanting to shut your blog down etc, well he is welcome to write his own story or share evidence of his character defamation..:) but I think he will just keep reading :).
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Paula, read your feed and loving your recent steps forward to increase the use of your love, talents, and skills to help others! LOVE IT!
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Thank you. ๐
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I thought I take a moment to address Anon issue a bit more in depth for those who may be in a similar situation. Yet, again I make clear I am not considering Anon as a client or giving legal advice but providing some legal knowledge as a peer. I do not know Anon issue fully due to loopholes in her story etc but I wish to share my knowledge that perhaps will continue to help her and others address her issue.
I told Anon not to worry about her ex accusing her of child abduction because seeing as she stated she left the States with her child that means she had to get a US passport for the child. Getting a US passport for a child under the age of 16 requires consent of both parents and there are steps required if a child is an infant. Therefore, seeing as the child father made no objection to the passport than there was no child abduction when she initially left the States with the child. Furthermore, in Anon favor of which is why I stated for her to relax is because the child has been in her primary care of which I must assume is what the court approved in her divorce proceedings. In US divorce proceedings a child custody/support is covered. Again, in her favor he knew where the child was, been seeing the child etc. but if Anon went to another country with the child without his consent or knowledge than that is another issue.
If it is easier to understand than if anyone is familiar with Halle Berry case than you will understand. She tried to leave with her daughter for France to live but needed her ex approval of which he denied. She also tried a similar tactic of stating he called her the โNโ word, of which I am not stating is true or untrue, so please no debate on this issue. However, my point is when relationships become sour a lot of accusations occur, so I stress be careful, especially if you have child/ren because you can be victimized again depending on how you react of which I stressed to Anon because I went back to read her initial post on this matter and she stated there were fights etc and her statements alluded to some issues that could be used against her.
Child custody likely sticks in divorces but if situations change that affect the child welfare than amendments can be made to award the other parent custody. Yet, in Anon case she made it clear he accused her of child abduction which has no grounds based on some factors presented above. So if in this situation and you are married/divorced do not feel bullied because more than enough evidence exist to go in your favor but cross border situations do have their own complexities (support, if divorced in another country decrees being upheld etc, which is why I stated I cannot say a lot in Anon case) so please seek the appropriate legal advice at all times as well as push forward in getting a mediator if you feel the child/ren in danger or could be taken if left in the other parent care. More important, you are not obligated to take abuse because of your child/ren. He/she does not need your email, personal number etc if appropriate mediators are put in place because he/she is abusive to you.
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Yes. It’s important for individuals to use mediators and services like Family Wizard instead of personal email or text services. I was sent a cease and desist letter from the sociopath’s lawyer almost three years ago demanding that I shut down my blog and another site I used to publish my story prior to publishing it as a book. There were no grounds legally that they could us to be force me to shut down my blog or force me to stop writing about sociopaths. I never used his real name nor was I using any trademark or copyright name to refer to him that could have been connected directly back to him. Outside of sending him a link to my blog, he was the one telling everyone, “Look what she’s writing about me!!!” I saw through the letter’s scare tactics and called his lawyer and told him to go to hell and take his client with him. (Probably not appropriate but this was at a time I still didn’t even understand I was suffering from trauma and abuse.) Thank you for your comments!!!
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Phoenix, thanks for your response. Therapy is going well and all I will say because a bit too personal to say other stuff. I
Now, my beautiful lady we are all smart and if I implied otherwise it is not the case. You can have a good education but not be as smart and you can be smart but lack in education. Thus, it is best if you take the stance no one knows everything and you can learn from anyone, even a child and even an evil person of what not to be. Anything less would not be smart. So please if I offended anyone I am sorry. I am really trying to be authentic in my feelings/thoughts as possible but at the same time I do not want to offend anyone. .
As always Phoenix thanks for your love and light. I do not know what it is about you but I always feel it and I appreciate it so much because you do not have to give me anything but you always do.
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Aww Anonymous ๐
I was not offended in the slightest re our ‘smarts’ ๐
What I was trying to impart was that the Socio sabotages us via our emotions, never our intellect that comes later.
First they assess our vulnerability, self worth, past abuses etc…then they go in for the kill!
It’s our intelligence that eventually saves us. Once we understand, we rise above them!
We elevate to our higher awareness & our intellect soars as, we finally separate our hearts from our heads & think with clarity & logic.
You see Anonymous, they use our emotions against us as, our natural instinct is to love so, we always default to our heart. Not a bad thing but, in the wrong hands its a lethal weapon. They use us against ourselves & we go into internal warfare & meltdown bit by bit & piece by piece.
Remember that one of the OW’s in my saga is a Dr of Human Behavior & a wonderful lady but, nevertheless, fooled & duped & a slave to her heart!
We are free to be ourselves now, with more awareness than ever before. It’s confronting, it’s bloody humiliating but, we survived. Like battle weary soldiers we have to return from the front lines & resume ‘normal’ life somehow but, like soldiers we have seen things & done things that have altered us forever!
Just remember that united we stand & divided we fall my lovely Anonymous.
We are fighters & warriors & we are free! ๐
Love Always,
PR xoxo
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Another fab, spot on Post Paula, adopting a new character to suit the new Victim and surrounding friends and family, I have this week accepted that my daughter despite alt day phone calls with her father is NOT communicating with the person she once knew, she is only 11 but has said more than twice this last week that she thinks her father is on drugs as he is so hyper one moment and serious the next – this is not something she would mention if it didn’t push her buttons in a weird way so to speak!
I mentioned before the links he sent me via his email address to anti-Semitic sites where he can report me for fictious anti- sem behaviour. I did have pointed out by a very wise old sage, that this action and threat is insightful of racism in it’s self, and the provocation to insight anger and retaliation in a non-believer, therefore adding another statistic on the chart …..would make him anti-Semitic himself in a court of law ….(I sort of managed to claim a few threads of understanding and have hung on to them ever since!)….I guess if you have clever representation.
Soooooo I am still smugly at the strictly no contact rule, which I must admit thrills me as I know that my silence is uncharacteristic and very uncomfortable for him….. I have been portrayed as an hysterical nutcase, who is a Psych and a creep (quote!). BUT THIS WEEK, …..THIS WEEK…. my resolve nearly broke!
I have been sent 2 links from his email again consecutively sent…..on potential Attorney’s and info on Child Abduction by a Parent from the US to foreign countries, and how to reclaim the child!
Our situation as mentioned previously, is that 11 years ago after discovering the start of many other women on the scene, I brought our baby back from LA to UK. I have never blocked contact , and indeed put him up at my home every year, year in, year out. He has never contributed a penny/cent towards his child bar 3,200$US in 11 years….she idolises her father and I have always encouraged this relationship and supported it in anyway I could. He would telephone us both 5/6 times every night for 11 years, unless of course he was here, even after our divorce years ago.
Recently, out of the blue we were contacted by his new Wife to be…she was expecting their baby, they had had a row….she introduced herself out of the blue, American celeb, writer, director, producer, and into music also. she came from an important legal family in Beverly Hills I believe, …she was concerned that he had not told us in the UK about her existence and that he had been living with her and her two sons for months, planning a wedding and a family of their own, she was furious……we shared information and horror stories, she was done with him …..apparently.
My little girl was dragged through this emotional upheaval, the fact that her father was raising other kids that were not his and contributing to their welfare, and not able to provide for his own, was hurtful enough, but the new baby of course totally broadsided her.
The relationship ended, and of course It was all my fault. He never wanted to hear from me again. Fine by me at last (thru’ sobs!)…so no more contact, since, he has written almost every day with accusations of one kind or another each one more fantastic than the last.
One day he asked my daughter if she would like to speak to this woman. My daughter said no why are you back with her? Yes, we are getting married soon, some couples break and get back together a lot that’s just the way they ‘roll’ he said! (even more ridiculous when you learn he’s 62! and she’s 43!!). Anyway, there they are, all loved up, in a new Family and trying for another baby again ( she put the last one in trash after their fight! ….this is NOT normal methinks, and certainly not the family arena I want my precious to enter at any cost….I FIND this creepy this time!).
Today, new atrocious lows hit my bubble. Dropped my Daughter off at school, came home to find Social Services on the doorstep. Some anon caller had rung Child social services Dept via NSPCC here in the uk at 8.30 at night and reported that I was an unfit mother, who not only neglected her daughter, but subjected her to relentless verbal abuse and screaming etc, etc, ….in all there were 7 counts of my failing as a mother, as i wrote the accusations down during my interview with the social worker (who was here to discuss removal of my daughter …..eventually from my care and her home of more than 10 years!!) the structure and phraseology of the complaints about my mothering, sounded all too familiar , and of course not at all English, they were uncannily all word for word statements about me, failings about me, that my Ex – her father when in a filthy mood or temper would torment me with often, No one else has EVER accused me of these failings, and completely fictitious abuses towards my little girl. I toyed with the idea that maybe it was a neighbour, yes they were to be interviewed about their view on my parenting too, OUR Doctor, the school HEAD, ME, MY DAUGHTER, and basically anyone else who might have an opinion so it seems! I felt sick!
I raced to the school, spoke to the head, explained as much as I could in 5 minutes, and he said that this was a common occurrence, I stated that perhaps it was someone I didn’t know, he said, it was very unlikely, it in his experience (40 yers) was more often than not, a spouse who was hell bent on hurting the other significant parent…….I knew he was right…I knew before.
Heartbreaking on the way home I had to carefully explain to 11 yr old girl, that she was to be interviewed in our home on our rtn from school as someone had said that Mummy did not treat her as she should, and she had to answer questions about her life with mummy truthfully including what it was like when she was working (films) and had Au Pairs to look after her etc until I got home….that single parenting with no fiscal support was not easy as I SIMPLY HAD TO EARN!!
Todays allegations were that I am never at home, …..I have been home and unemployed for 11 months bar 4 weeks of reshoots on a film I did last year! My Daughter had local child care for the first 2 weeks and a recommended Au Pair for the final two, I rtned early every day to take over. I was not home the day of the recorded allegations as we (daughter and I) were camping in another County (in the rain) and had been gone some days, and were to be there more still….!
I was accused of leaving my daughter on her own over and above 10+ hours frequently (who the hell does this??!! Anyone??!!) I have been accused of leaving her with no one to care for her at all. I have been accused of serious anger issues…..I have been accused of screaming at my child for the slightest thing…..Mental issues, on and on it went! all totally untrue, Oh, and lastly, of Strangers coming to my house day and night…..
Now to be a credible candidate for this new family how great it would be to provide his own child with a cute English accent, morals, and etiquette all included to add to the 2 boys and new baby,…this would balance things out a bit right? the reasons for his black moods and brooding being that he had his child ‘Abducted” 10 + years ago (BUT HAD NEVER APPLIED FOR CUSTODY EVER, AND NOT PAID FOR CHILD INSTEAD DECLARING BANKRUPTCY when we chased him for unpaid dues with the help of REMO). but lets get legal advice as I want to help you get your daughter back and therefore make you happy again (HE WILL NEVER BE HAPPY) THE BLACK MOODS and toxic atmospheres with increase, and it will eventually always be her fault, at the moment it’s still mine, and he’s the poor Victim ……!
My gut tells me that firstly he must have proof on record that I am an unfit mother……now it’s there due to a anonymous caller to NSPCC, that’s handy…..?!!
I am still sticking to my no contact rule. BUT, does anyone have any advice as to how we now protect ourselves from all this? How do I stop him contacting me by email, this latest thing today with the child protection agency, how do I stop him torturing me and my daughter with the threat of removing her from her habitual domicile?
I took a call from my sister today who is also a Head in a different County, and she said , this is serious, this is mental abuse, and stalking, you must take all the emails and comms, links etc to a legal outfit and share it with someone.
PLEASE ADVISE……ANYONE….AT MY WITTS END HERE!!
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What this ex of yours is doing IS harassment and an obscene amount of projection. The Hague Convention on child abduction would not apply in your case considering many, many attempts have been made by you in the past to maintain communication and receive support. You never hid your child’s location from him nor did you withhold communication. That’s clear. If it were applicable, he wouldn’t be attempting to bring false charges of abuse against you. He’s grasping and stretching. A good lawyer would find an expert to argue projection and harassment and stalking. He has no case or grounds to take your child from you or her “home” country.
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Anon, let me make it clear I am not giving you legal advice because you are not a client nor am I undertaking or considering you a potential client. Even more so because I do not have all the information.. Furthermore, your issue leans toward having an attorney who deals with international matters if your issue should escalate to this point. However, I will state the following as a peer supporter with legal knowledge. You are not in danger of having your child removed or being declared as a child abductor due to the following but there are issues that can come up with other allegations made by you if you pursue things legally.
Back tracking unless I am reading incorrectly, there has not been any true no contact on your part. If you do not want him to contact you via email than I suggest you change it or block him. He does not need your email to stay in contact with his daughter. Even more so it is not firm grounds for harassment if you have never stated to him do not contact me nor made any attempt to change your email or block him. However, if you stated to him do not contact me more than once, stated your displeasure with those links and he keeps doing so than that is firm grounds for harassment, and you would have clear evidence you felt so because you blocked his emails or changed your email address. Not meaning he is not harassing you now but this gives you firm grounds if you wish to pursue this legally.
Furthermore, this is also the case with stalking. You allowed him in your home, allow him to call your daughter and allow him to email you, so how is he stalking you? Please be clear.
As for your neighbors or whomever you feel called child services I cannot say much about it because I am not against it.
Calling child services anonymously saves many children lives but at the same time if untrue causes a lot of emotional stress etc. However, I rather a child be safe than harmed and if no allegations are true than yes, it is stressful but to your benefit because if your ex is trying to harm you than you have proof you are clear of no child endangerment. So as difficult as this is, it will prove to your benefit. As well as the fact you allowed him to see the child, which proves you never withheld the child from him. If he is smart he will see you been patient.
As far as the link to the sites, I want to address it more specifically. Anyone can you send you link. I get crap all the time and I have sent crap, well not crap but things I thought helpful. So it depends on what was said or information contained in the links. More important, to say it is harassment on your part stick to that you told him you not appreciate it etc and take the steps to block him or change your email. Even more so with accusations if he is sending you the link to anti-Semitic sites than that is not proof you are racist etc, unless it was clearly stated or reasonable evidence you made anti-Semitic comments via that link etc. Even if you did that is your choice. You do not go to jail nor are you sued for racist comments unless it effected a person work (hire, fire, treatment), living arrangement or you harm a person physically. Therefore be careful.
I can see how the sites are aggravating to you but to state it is racist or insight anger/retaliation I am not sure what to say on that one, even by an old sage. You are either racist/anti-Semitic or not. I cannot say how anyone should react to anything because that is not my place. We are all different but I would be upset because I am not racist or anti-Semitic so I yes I would be upset with my ex but to retaliate I would think not or perhaps I am not clear on how you would be provoked to retaliate to make a statistic ? Saying you do not appreciate this shit is not making a statistic but going beyond and saying something racist to your ex or anyone or doing physical harm is another matter. I stand by even if a person hits you there is clear line of defense and a clear line of responding with abuse. So do not let him to provoke you to do something you will regret, verbally or physically.
Now your comment on age, be careful as well because your ex is trying to hurt you. Thus, why is it ridiculous at their age to get back together? Couples do break up and get back together at any age. People get with harmful people at any age, as we see here abuse has no age limit etc. People can love at any age or have a child if they wish at any age unless a country restricts adoption etc and to say anything less is ageism so I would be careful with that statement. Yet, what you can go on is his lack of responsibility of introducing a new relationship to his child in a positive manner, if there is any. He has a right to a new relationship, get married, to tell the child etc but unfortunately children’s right on how to deal with the change or acceptance in a positive manner is not always considered. Therefore, if it was done in a harmful manner it is abusive.
Overall, he cannot take your child from you without reasonable grounds. Even then there are guidelines since the child has been predominantly in your care and in the case of child abduction he has no grounds because you allowed him to see the child.. Therefore, as of now I would block his emails or change your emails and not speak to him at all so if he continues his behavior that you have a firm ground to state he is harassing you or stalking you. I would also try to get a mediator involved when he wishes to see the child to help maintain no contact and I think highly appropriate at this time because if he is doing drugs or anything that can negatively affect the child than he should not be alone with her. This also strengthens your side if it comes to the point you feel your child is in danger or should adopt no contact with you.
I hope this helps and lessens you fears as well as gives you direction on how to handle things going forward if things escalates after you made changes because yes you did right to allow him to see his daughter all these years but at the same time that does not mean he has to have privilege to your information or even see you (plenty of visitations are handle by mediators) and nor are you obligated to keep him in contact with your daughter if the relationship proves unhealthy for her.
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Paula, you bad! LOL Thanks for letting me know it is okay because Kim’s post was a riot!
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Sorry Paula, not sure if allowed but I had to put the link to Kimโs latest post here.
It had me in stiches and made me smile because it made light of a few of my struggles (pop up porn was the best). I so needed this and hope this is good for a few others. LOVED IT!!!
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I don’t have any “rules” about folks sharing links in comments as long as it’s not pop-up porn. Hehe! ๐
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Phoenix, you made a very good post. None of us are prepared for abuse and I want to add none of us are prepared for how we will handle abuse either.
I know I may appear to some that I healed quickly with my initial posts but my profession and education gave me an edge and how I was taught to handle things of which I know is the case for a lot of people with my background. I come from a strong military family who always said okay push forward. There was no room for weakness. Yes, I had love but my dad was like you cannot be a good lawyer if you let every little thing get you down, so what did I do when my ex abused me I took this route, which hurt me a great deal. However, it could not be helped because this was my mindset since childhood and I cannot say I regret it. It helped me through a lot of struggles but I realize it was my weakness because my ex depended on this behavior, which made me a perfect victim for years.
There was also the fact, that I understood domestic abuse but did not put it to myself because he was not hitting me but he was hitting our belongings. He never verbally abused me until the end. He more manipulated, lied, cheated, betrayed me for years, which is horrific abuse but I overlooked it. I was in the kool-aid stupor and I was looking at women who seemed worse than me because they had marks on them etc. Yet, I was not far from them but not holding my ex accountable was my problem just as you wrote. You were dead on Phoenix. I still was not holding him accountable until Paula pushed me and for that I am grateful and grateful I knew what to do as well because I can write all day and read about problems on here and many of the other great sites I go too but I needed a greater safety net that counseling is now providing me because it provides greater detail on how to handle things specific to my needs and why I reacted the way I did, which I needed.
This process is not easy and it is shameful but will not always be. I am working on dealing with shame every day because in my world things like this is not supposed to happen, which is another thing that my ex counted on keeping me in control. But we all know abuse has no selection criteria or how you handle it. It like what I see with the case of Ms. Rice. A lot of people are victimizing Ms. Rice again and yes again, by calling her stupid or gold digger but not understanding the dynamics of why she stayed or continues to stay.
I also see we have a great problem in our society and why I failed to see my own abuse. There is more attention paid to those crying abuse or showing abuse but if you do not cry you are made to feel you accept it or it did not happen etc and then again if you do cry or show abuse some will say you did something to deserve it, which made me cringe with disgust and even great anger when I read some comments regarding Ms. Rice. No one deserves abuse, even if they hit you. There is a clear distinction between abuse and defending yourself and even if you initiate abuse the other party still has the free will of how to handle the attack, which again there is a clear distinction between abuse and defending yourself.
I truly believe we live in a world today that many are desensitized by abuse. You see people view abuse of others as it is entertainment and people loosely use the word narcissist or sociopath without properly understanding it, which is often. I cannot tell you how many times I read someone write he or she is such a narcissist or lines like narcissism at its best or we all have some narcissism in us or look at these people calling someone a narcissist because they were unhappy in their marriage. Therefore, your post was greatly needed Phoenix because it hits home. There are no labels but the facts. No I did not ask you to lie to me, no I did not ask you to manipulate me etc , which says it all because yes no one is perfect and at times a person can make you want to do a lot of things. Yet, how we react is our accountability but the abuse is not ours to own and from what I see is we do a lot better job of accountability than those who harmed us because even as hurt as many of us have been or still are we still try to help others and would react differently if our loved one or anyone fell out in the elevator (yes I am being sarcastic).
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Hi Anonymous & Thank You for being you & your such a wonderful person & please know that allowing or accepting abuse has no bearing on intelligence as, we are all smart, just fooled by masters at deception & illusion. The Socio relies on our feelings to over-ride our intelligence.
Love is Blind remember & deaf & dumb it would seem!!! Haha ๐
I hope you find that therapy & continued love & support within this site & elsewhere gets you to your rightful place of self love & compassion for being human. Being human can be messy yet glorious at the same time. We are all Hot Messes (especially true during menopause!) lol ๐
It gives us all great strength to read about each other’s experience’s & lives but, it also makes us feel more ‘at home’ & comfortable knowing we all struggle inwardly more than anyone will ever really know.
I had a similar take on abuse & ‘sweeping it under the carpet’ was my forte!
I was one of the ‘Generational Facade Queen’s’ of covering up the abuses but, I realized that I was primed & groomed systematically & re-wired to accept the unacceptable. My Father had the same motto as yours but, his strengths became my weakness as, living in a patriarchal household it’s ‘put up or shut up’ type of attitudes that keep women towing the line of repeated abuse (Men also suffer this, especially the son’s of abusive Fathers or male role models).
I think we are far superior to our abuser because, we are capable of self reflection & we go through such hellish reactions to ‘figure out’ ourselves whereas, the Socio wanders around like a ‘wrecking ball’ with no hesitation or will to change.
Just remember to forgive yourself.
I do & know, that you did nothing wrong. You were groomed & brainwashed, that’s a fact!
You never knowingly entered the abuse arena but, like us all, here we are.
We are sharing & supporting & laughing & crying because, we are Gorgeous & Beautiful Beings that do no harm intentionally & that makes us the best of the best in all our messiness!
I’d rather be me or you any-day ๐
Love & Light Always,
PR xoxo
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So so True Paula ๐
I fortunately got to witness it come full circle & speak to others & yes, we are similar in many ways, i.e. empathetic & independent & strong resilient women. Our lifestyles are varied & yes he prowled for the more affluent & grandiose type for his benefit only. It’s funny really having spoken to 5 others, just what he altered in his behavior & mirrored for each victim. He likes football & the horse races apparently yet, told me he hated it! Hahaha, what a total tool. The stuff I know now would blow his mind (not much to blow really ๐
His daughter contacted me to apologize for him as, he’s so reprehensible & embarrassing!
I remember saying to the others, it’s not a competition so, please don’t start ‘ego tripping’ or ‘devaluing’ each other etc…At the end of the day, we are all just sources of supply for his massive delusional ego! Objects & nothing more & as such, I took a leaf from his book & consider him an object of disgust, nothing more & nothing less!
We are no more & no less than each other & we are real & authentic & that’s what sets us apart form these weirdo’s. We have ‘real’ lives & not ‘made up realities or fake persona’s. I am me & you are you & for that, I am grateful. They however are a complete waste of a person & they’d be too selfish to even donate their organs, except their brain & their (‘you know what’ ๐ because, they think they’re superior but, just spare parts without a heart! Haha
Shine on Paula & I will put your post up on my awareness page to help others. ๐ ๐
Love & Light,
PR xoxo
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Thank you, PR! I’ve shared your posts on my FB timeline. Great stuff! Love what you share. ๐
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Ditto Paula ๐
The Sharing becomes the Awareness & that becomes the Knowing & Knowledge of the Disordered Mind is the key.
Hopefully we are the facilitators to stopping & preventing the damage that their existence among us causes. I don’t think you can ever heal fully unless you actually understand them & their motives & whilst it’s terribly painful to know the game, it’s worse not knowing & being left for dead.
They are Trojan Horse’s so, we must be ready for them & not be tricked or fooled again!
Continued Love & Light to you & your quest Paula,
PR xoxo
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