In the aftermath of sociopath abuse, we become bewildered and confused for many reasons. The source of our greatest confusion is the sociopath’s ability to “recover” so quickly and move on to his/her next and then the next and then the next soul mate.
(“Must be exhausting!” was my initial reaction to the boy’s endless, revolving door of victims who came before, during and after me.)
Unfortunately, we sabotage our recovery, because we have a tendency to judge ourselves against the qualities of all of these new girlfriends and/or boyfriends, when, instead, we should be examining and applying what we know about sociopaths to the sociopath.
The sociopath is not the same person he/she was when the sociopath was with you and seems like the absolute perfect and ideal match for the new significant other, a.k.a. the new victim, right? Well, what you observe is true. The sociopath is different, because the sociopath is no longer mirroring your values but is now mirroring the values of the new supply.
It’s perplexing at best:
>>You wonder how someone can turn off and on values (and many times conflicting and polar opposite values) so quickly.
>>You wonder how you could have been so blind to the sociopath’s mask and false character for so long.
>>You beat yourself up thinking the sociopath is different today because you didn’t allow the sociopath room to grow inside the relationship.
>>You keep thinking the sociopath is right about you and that the sociopath wasn’t happy with you because you made the sociopath unhappy.
>>You question if the sociopath is even a sociopath. After all, the new girlfriend/boyfriend seems awfully happy and so does the sociopath.
Remember that sociopaths are predatory chameleons. They have no identity and no values and must take on the values of their new victim to blend in with the new victim’s surroundings (including their friends and family). Seeing this “miracle” makes the victim that got away (you!) wish you hadn’t gotten away.
How absolutely absurd, right? You do not want to be back in that place, do you? That place where every action and desire you had was judged and placed under a microscope, right? Where you didn’t know from day to day if your choices would be accepted, rejected or used to shame you. Where life could sometimes feel euphoric and then suddenly feel like a dungeon. Where everything floated in uncertainty, denial and hopelessness.
You do not want to be back in that place. Of that I am certain.
Rejoice in the fact that you are no longer tangled inside that web. Rejoice that you have values that helped you wake up from the haze and fog the sociopath used to hypnotize you.
The sociopath didn’t suddenly change overnight. The only thing that changed overnight was the sociopath’s target. And the best way to attract and entrap a target is by looking and acting and taking on the values, interests and concerns of the new target. It’s how you were lured, remember?
The sociopath does not change.
It’s only a matter of time before the sociopath’s latest soul mate and circle of friends catch on and make their escape. The cycle will continue, and the sociopath will once again be forced to smear those people and frolic about altering his/her values to blend in and fit inside a new crowd of unsuspecting victims.
What a hell of a life, huh? Must be exhausting to have no identity of one’s own.
~Paula Carrasquillo, author of Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath