In addition to the normal addiction properties associated with falling in love with anyone or anything, when we align with a sociopath, the addictive properties of love are exaggerated and one-side and become the driving force behind our desperate behavior, from the relationship’s inception to its disintegration.
The sociopath idolizes you and provides you with so much approval in the beginning of the relationship, that you become hypnotized and brainwashed into believing you are only worthy when the sociopath approves of everything you do even after the relationship ends.
Why would we want this person’s approval after compiling the laundry list of abuses that the sociopath inflicted upon us, our children and our beloved friends and family?
Because we are addicts and require time to detox, abstain and rewire our brains back to a healthy state of self-love and acceptance.
Unfortunately, we are all in denial of our addiction in the immediate aftermath of the abuse and refuse, stubbornly refuse, to accept we were addicts. This denial is what leads us all to break no contact and rush back to the sociopath with questions in hopes we’ll receive the sociopath’s acceptance and approval.
When we do this, we are simply perpetuating the behavior that kept up inside the relationship. We keep imbibing in the drug. We aren’t taking the steps necessary to change our habits, and we continue to remain dependent on the sociopath’s approval.
The birth and perpetuation of this addiction is immediate and sustained across all phases of the toxic relationship cycle: idolization, devaluation and discard phases.
All toxic relationships oscillate and cycle through these phases repeatedly from one phase to the next and back to the other phase and then back again. The oscillation is so slow and insidious in the beginning that victims do not notice.
The idolization phase, the most addictive of the phases, is the dominant phase in the early months and years. Although the idolization phase is often front-and-center in the beginning, the devaluation and discard phases are ever present. In addition, the idolization phase is present even during intense periods of devaluation and discard. Like a dangling carrot of hope that fades and then comes back into focus and fades and then comes back into focus.
The overlapping and intermingling of the three phases results in extremely high levels of dependency for acceptance and approval from the sociopath.
Idolization Phase
What the sociopath does during the idolization phase…
The sociopath idolizes and praises everything about you and compares you to every past love interest, wife, girlfriend, and even his mother. You are the best, the only one who has ever understood him, the one, his soul mate and he can’t imagine life without you by his side.
What you do during the idolization phase…
You eat up the praise and compliments. Who wouldn’t? This is also the time in which you make excuses for those red flags you see. Instead of seeing him as a loser who can’t keep a girlfriend or fiancee or wife, you see the sociopath as a sympathetic character, a lost and stray dog in need of your TLC. He told you how much he admires your strength, courage and ability to nurture. So your desire to further demonstrate your strength, courage and ability to nurture kicks in, and you are immediately entranced into giving him all of your love and attention. Soon, the sociopath’s needs and desires overshadow your own.
Devalue Phase
What the sociopath does during this devaluation phase…
The sociopath insidiously chips away at all those things for which he originally praised and complimented you.
>>Your cooking was superb; now it needs a little something. (But he hasn’t a clue what it is and instead says something like, “Oh, you’re so smart. You can figure it out.”)
>>Your hair is now suddenly too long or too short or not the best color for you. (He’s only looking out for his amazing GF and wants her to look and feel great about herself, right?)
>> Your clothes, your shampoo, the car you drive, the way you care for your dog, the way you run your business…it could all be improved. (After all, says the sociopath, you are so good at finding solutions and fixing them immediately, right?)
What you do during the devalue phase…
You never question the criticisms. You love the sociopath and will hyper vigilantly stay on task and slave away at improving your skills and abilities, never realizing the sociopath wants you to do this just to make the sociopath look good for being associated with you. The sociopath will take all the credit when you are complimented by others. Behind your back he will make remarks like, “She finally listened to me. I can’t believe she was doing it that way, can you? She’s so smart, isn’t she? Just amazing.”
And those people will only hear the last part of his back-handed compliment and come to you and say, “Wow. You guys make a great team. He loves you so much.” And all the sociopath is doing is barking orders at you, but you’re too distracted by the need for acceptance that you miss the irony in everything the sociopath projects in your direction.
Remarkably, you feel even more idolized and loved while simultaneously being devalued, not realizing you are being drained of your self-will, vitality and naturally zest for life. Every decision you make is unknowingly guided by the sociopath’s subtle devaluation of you, because you desperately NEED the sociopath’s approval.
Discard phase
What the sociopath does during the discard phase…
The sociopath is no longer subtle about his devaluation. The sociopath either stonewalls you, ignores you and/or dismisses everything about you in hopes you’ll get the message and just leave the relationship (he’s got someone else waiting in the wings, you know?) or the sociopath is direct and down-right nasty and tells you how much you suck. He attacks all the things he once praised about you and even goes as far as telling you that you never would have reached the success you reached if not for the sociopath’s influence and encouragement. You’re so ungrateful and hateful. The sociopath can’t believe how much time he wasted trying to make the relationship work.
What you do during the discard phase…
If the sociopath is subtle/passive-aggressive with his “punishment” of you, you will probably approach the sociopath with concern. You might start up a conversation like this:
“I love you, but I’ve noticed you haven’t been happy. I want you to be happy. Is it me? Did I do something wrong? If it’s me, please tell me what it was and I will fix it.”
If the sociopath is overt and direct with his discard tactics, you will try to fight the sociopath verbally and perhaps physically. You will beg and plead with the sociopath to stop hurting you. You will do anything…change everything. You love him so much. You just want the sociopath to be happy with you again. To love you and idolize you again.
And the cycle begins again. You gave the sociopath the supply and green light he needed to stay in the relationship and suck more from you. (You’re such a great lap dog.)
But once the sociopath has a new supply, the last discard WILL come, and you WILL be left desperate for answers:
“You love me, right? You can’t just stop caring about someone even if you have found another love interest, right? You can still value me as a person? You can still see my value right? Please, please, please see my value. Please!! PLEASE!!”
Unfortunately, you’re wasting your breath. The sociopath saw you as a means to an end. You were fun for a while and gave him the ego boost and recognition he desperately needed to feel good about himself. He may have gotten away with your child, your home, your business, your car, or even something as simple as your dignity. Whatever it was he took and now you find yourself crying about, the sociopath doesn’t care. The sociopath now has someone new to manipulate and control and walk through the same phases of toxicity with fresh vigor and vitality, thanks to you. You’re just a bother, and you keep proving how crazy you are with your threats and stalking and desperate attempts to get him to return your emails, texts and calls. (Your actions are incredibly distasteful, you poor, poor thing. You need help. You must be bipolar or something.)
The only help you need is help learning to detach in order to detox and stop relying on that ridiculous approval high that was never fulfilling nor was it worthy of your time and energy pursuing. You were/are addicted. The more you refuse to accept this, the longer it will take before you realize you will never get answers from the sociopath who truly sees his actions as just and good. You were simply too weak to walk by his side, so he had to wipe you off the bottom of his shoe; you were holding him back.
Namaste!
~Paula
Your Healing Frequency 
59 responses to “Your Addiction to the Sociopath – Thank the Abuse Cycle”
Reblogged this on afterthepsychopath and commented:
Very good post by Paula, explaining the dynamics of an abusive relationship. I love the drawing, Paula! 😀
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Reblogged this on Blog Of A Mad Black Woman and commented:
“The sociopath now has someone new to manipulate and control and walk through the same phases of toxicity with fresh vigor and vitality” ~ Love-Life-OM
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PR, I feel like an awful person but I am sitting here cracking up! I just can imagine it all, this is better than the soap opera! But Kudos to those women and the fact you ended up friends during the situation and remain. it is bonding for ages and so healing because you do not feel alone and they understand you better than anyone who been through this evil.
Thanks for making me smile. I always feel uplift when you pass through. Thanks for all the love you send via space and time. I really feel it and if you could see the smile on my face and happy feeling you give me you know it true. I still cannot believe at times how a circle like this or those close who understand what happen can make you feel more loved, appreciated and happy than the “Kool-Aid” you drank.
Many peace and blessings my beautiful and FABULOUS sister,
Anon
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PR, your response came right on time! Were you moving in my light my sister of another parents! I just said to Karmabaybee you never know what others are thinking etc. And here you are stating your former “little boy” got dumped. I would not have expected that all. I wish no harm but I feel good every time someone kicks the “Kool-Aid”.
Sending angel light your way,
Anon
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Right back at you Gorgeous Girl 🙂
Yep, he got dumped by his meal ticket & another woman on the same day!
It was poetry in motion.
I have aligned with them both & they are fabulous, like me.
We all have shocking taste in men but, he has great taste in women. Hahaha Go figger 🙂
Big Beautiful Hugs to you my friend 🙂 Sister form another mother angel 🙂
PR xoxo
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Karmabaybee, sorry to read you are suffering but Paula makes some valid points, which comes back to something I wrote awhile ago on valuing yourself via not comparing yourself to others or even how you see your view of your ex different from others or the same. It not matter what others think of another person but it does matter what you think. It may be that they see one side of the mask and not the other. More important if I am correct you are referencing to those around him such as family or friends do not see his mask and that may be true because they were not in an intimate relationship with your ex as you have been and some family members perhaps have dealt with the issue so long it becomes normal. As they say you can pick your friends but not your family.
You mention you were friends with him since highschool, well did you see his mask? I am sure not or you would not have gotten involved with him or not be in the situation of no contact now.
Something else to think on there may two sides to a story. As I mention more than once my “evil little boy” used me and even used others. So if it drive you crazy or you second guess yourself with friends than go directly to a person or persons and say I feel afraid so speak to me. However, if you cannot do that than think less on those people because the only ones you should waste your time on is true friends and family members that care about you and will not sweep your fears under the rug. Yet, again if you find yourself not being able to not focus on others than think is it in your mind that you see anyone valuing your ex too much? It may be opposite that they see him as a minor part of their lives. This is why I maintain having separate circle of friends and not using his family as your main support base. I never said separate if that is not your choice but find a different main support base because for some the outcome is good to maintain closeness while for others as myself and what I feared would happen to you the outcome is becoming afraid.
I became very afraid and still remain so. This I do believe is a response of narcissist abuse. Yet, unlike you my main support base is made up people not involved with my ex. I also not worry about other motives because my ex is no longer my problem and you do not know what everyone is thinking. For example, I was throwing praises for my local sandwich shop for all these years. I was recommending everyone go there but the store offerings over the last few months has gone from worse to the crap hole so I stopped going but does anyone know that. I made no announcement. So anyone could assume I still love this deli but was I asked my recent thoughts etc. So you see how silly it is thinking on others thoughts of your ex. People change every second and if you are getting or seeing things second-handed or worse from your abuser as was my case the validity is off, so the question is as Paula asked you.
Do you trust yourself Karmabaybee?
It is my opinion focus on you, so you can start enjoying feel free. Give to yourself for once . Learn to see every hand that helps you through the psychological and emotional damage as a bridge of building your trust in others again and compare that to your ex. I say to myself how many times has he let me down? Yet, in my case many more than I can count because I did not know he was using me. Therefore, in my comparison I say to myself I not imagine this all. A lot of women have my story. This is real. More important when I look at my support base how they treat me is consistent but nothing about my last year with my ex was consistent but their love and kindness is. They uplift me. Make me feel special with no doubt they feel less about me. So why did I feel that with the person laying next time, and that puts a lot into prospective for me because I should feel that with him more than any person.
Karmamaybee, I take this time to reach out to you because you keep coming here as I once kept coming the first place I went when I first understood all happening to me when someone reached out to me. You see in the beginning I had no evidence my ex was cheating so I believed him and not my friends. So escape into non-reality became worse and beyond cheating I believed his lies. What you are going through many have been. Nothing after the ex seems real. You question is it in your mind or for me because I was not discarded did I make a mistake in leaving. Yet, I believe I made no mistake. The only mistake I made was not trusting myself. The mistake I made was not valuing myself. I let him eat up my time I could be happy instead of living an illusion of happiness and that makes me upset. You cannot get time back and that is why I will not let him have anymore of it because right now I am sure he is doing something that make him happy and in the meantime what about me??.
I always tell myself no one lived my hell. They just saw the outside of what my ex painted our lives to be and in someway I helped by making everything look good despite my lack of trust. I kick myself that I trusted him more than myself. I listen to him explain everything away. Believe me I understand, I went through a lot. My “evil little boy” on sex dating site and saying if I passed by it popped up because he clicked on a link by accident. I was powerless and did not want to know but the pain was more powerful and if I did not get out and find out the truth I was going to be eaten alive by the stress I felt from lack of truth or worse with all the things he did behind my back.
Do not let anyone steal your hope in something beautiful. I watched a program years ago cannot remember the name of it, so anyone help me on it but it was a week long series on love against the odds. There was a huge woman, a person with HIV and another born without limbs and they found love. People who loved them just as they are and important for us all LOVED them. I think many times here I am healthy etc and I could be in a loving relationship like that and even if I was a mess I could still be loved, which those people proved. So what holds me back; trust and value.
Look I say to myself I may never trust again as before but one thing that I know I can do is I can get the truth from myself and it may not be pretty all the time but if I trust me than I can trust me on getting what I need to love, be at peace etc. So again I keep mentioning what Paula stated “Do you trust you” ? Because as the saying goes if you do not love you than who will, well if you do not trust you than…..???
Big hugs and much enlightment..you will get to a better place..it just takes time and trust,
Anon
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Karmabaybee, you are welcome but again maybe Paula can be more insightful than I but I think it is better to have your main support systems that do not involve an ex. I remember reading one of Oprah rules for women and that is have your own set of friends.
Now, if the children are grown than I do not see the issue. However, this is different situation for you because if it is true you were involved with a sociopath and his family does not recognize he has an issue or do not know what is wrong with him than I say you are walking a dangerous path. Again, it not matter if the sister does not talk to her brother. What matters is she brought it up to you that the family does not like his current girl, so either she wants you to hold on or looking for a reaction on the issue, which should not be an issue if you are broken off from him. The same for his entire family they may not talk to him now but what happens when they do? Something is going on if they know he has a new girl. Shocked or not they are aware he has a new girl and if they never see him or her than why are they judging the situation. She could be a nice girl and worse she is going to be the new victim.
As for social status, that is a major issue for a lot of people. I do not think middle class roots is something to be ashamed of and having worked in fundraising I know of more than a few individuals who live middle class lifestyles but are very wealthy. You would be surprised at the number of hidden accounts some people have or pricey items that could be liquidated into a lot of cash and then I see high rollers like your ex without a dime in their pockets. Lexus, rolex you name it but not a dime to donate but you think oh my gosh they have this and that but all a show. So one cannot judge a person claimed social status and if people are basing their value on social status alone than that is an issue to be resolved because no status is better than the other, if you think about some people are wealthy in money and some in heart.
Now the issue is I still think you should not be so involved with a family of a man that may continue to hurt you. Fine be friends if that where you want to take it because I cannot judge you. I also understand the bond that can happen when you have a lot in common. It is quite natural but I would not depend upon them as a main support system or your main circle of friends because that is a doorway if this man is a true sociopath for you to get hurt and a lot of hurt confusions along the end, unless his family is ready to disown him.
It seems to me you are still holding out for this man and think he may be confused. So think this way if he is not in contact with you, than you have no relationship on any level. So it not matter if he is confused or ashamed. It is only your problem if you return to him. As for his family, it is natural in most break ups there is some sort of grief, especially if you been involved in each other lives for a long time. They say relationships extend to families too. It is very hard to end long attachments and no one is saying you should but think about distancing yourself because I would say stay close if you and him established a friendship. Yet, if your in any danger of being hurt by this man again than having his family as a main support system is a no in my opinion because there is no good outcome if that is the case. So I hope for you things can really stay separate but if not really think about it.
Again hang in there and there are better days. Sending hugs and may enlightenment come your way,
Anon
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How far does “no contact” really reach? Just the ex-asshole or everyone associated with him? My ex’s kids texted me recently about going to an event together that we had planned before I got discarded and cut off completely. I know they feel bad and don’t know what is going on and so it’s the big, pink elephant in the room because it’s still their brother, their father, etc, and I just refuse to trash talk someone, especially to their own family. We never speak of him ever or why I’m not there anymore, why there’s some new girl around that they don’t like (I only know that because his sister told me on the one occasion when we did speak about it because she was in the dark, too). If I just blow them off about going to the event, I feel like I would be punishing them for no reason (none of this is their fault) and I want to see them because I do miss them, yet there’s a small part of me that feels like “why should I give or do anything more?” and that just may be the anger in me for being put through this in the first place. I haven’t had any contact with my ex AT ALL – I haven’t tried to contact him and he hasn’t tried to contact me, either. But his family won’t let go and I don’t want them to because I love them all so much. This is really frustrating and confusing and it stresses me out because I don’t want to punish them or lose them….yet I’m not so sure it’s good for me, either. I’d love to hear some thoughts on the situation….even if they will be painful ones.
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Karmabaybee..not really sure what to say and I am sure Paula will offer better advice than me but I was in a long-term relationship with my “evil little boy”. I was living with him so the relationship was pretty intense but when I cut no contact I extended it to family and friends.
I do not hate my “evil little boy” but do I see him as a friend? Well I’d laugh if you said yes. Yet, the point being is I think you have to be careful because a true friend cannot be friends with your enemy or someone who mistreats you. Furthermore, if your ex sister is saying she cannot stand the new girl to you than that is a red flag. I would have kept that opinion to myself because then that means something huge if she is smiling in the other girl face that soon is to become the next victim. How big is that betrayal? Think how you feel if that was said about you?
Another factor is that is not your family but his family and if you have no children with him than be thankful. A lot of women here talk about how painful it is to still have connections via their children. Yet, the important factor is to question yourself why is it so painful to leave his family behind? They are not your family and if this family is your main support system than that is a problem, atleast how I see it. And the children feelings although I am a child advocate and lost my own child is not your responsibility to explain but a family member etc. You are no longer apart of this man life and unfortunately unless these children are your own than keep coming in their life is confusing and not fair to them if they associate you as the one that should be with their father. I would only stay in a ex child life if the child was grown and could understand the dynamics.
I think you would be wise to build new support systems because you cannot separate him from his family and that is just an opening to always get hurt, which seems you are. Anyways, if I was you I would break away from the family unless there is a way to keep separate about what is going on with him but I think not.
Hang in there and huge hugs
Anon
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Thank you Anon, that’s very insightful info! But to clarify, the children in question are all adults now but we all got along so well and enjoyed each other’s company immensely, they were like my extended family, and also my friends. We like a lot of the same things. My ex’s sister doesn’t see or speak to the new victim and I know for a fact she is not saying stuff to her about me behind my back because she just wouldn’t do that. She’s been my best friend and I do trust her – she’s for real and genuine. We never speak about my ex – only that one time when it first happened because she and her family were so confused and in shock and so was I. She actually helped me when we did talk that one time because it led me to the realization that he’s a sociopath and I was addicted to a lie. They don’t see my ex these days, either, since he started seeing his new victim and none of them understand what’s going on with that or why but I think I might know why. It’s because he’s embarrassed by them and their lack of money. He is so desperate to appear as though he has high status and wealth when he has neither. He is embarrassed by his roots, his family, their middle-class homes and lives, where he originally came from but he wasn’t embarrassed by that when we were together because we’ve known each other since high school so we all grew up the same way in the same class conditions – our parents’ homes and lifestyles were the same. That’s why I got to know his family so well and become so close, because we all just clicked – we understood each other. What he used to love about that, I suppose he ended up hating in the end. His family is very down-to-earth and genuine and I definitely trust them. Just not him, but he’s really nothing like them at all. So weird how one kid from a big family, all raised by the same parents in the same way, can be so different than all the others but that’s life and pretty much standard in every family that has more than 1 child. I came from middle-class but am in a higher bracket now and I worked hard my whole life to reach it but I certainly am not embarrassed by where I came from. It’s what made me who I am today and I’m proud of it.
I have some thinking to do because you have valid points. If I cut them all off completely, it’s really going to hurt – me and them – and will throw me in reverse again down that awful road of sadness that I hate to travel. But then, again, there’s the road ahead…….
Huge hugs and thank you again!
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Hi Karmabee 🙂
I am 11 years down the track on the family & not letting or wanting to go.
Just hang in with all your heart with the love you feel for the others involved.
It is damn hard but, I have done it & still have wonderful relationships with my ex’s family especially his sisters.
People love you & see you for who you are & don’t you let him take them away from you.
I suffered through family events with him & his GF but, ultimately I have won out in the end 🙂
It doesn’t bother me to talk to him or her & I have the deep family connections that the OW will never have. MY children still had Grandparents (Dec now) uncle’s, aunties, cousins etc…& I kept those connections healthy & intact for them. You can do this as authentic & loving people can only do this.
My ex’s family see him for what he is but, he is their sibling etc…but, they know it’s him & not me.
Love & Light 🙂 & hold tight you are the better part of the deal always 🙂
PR xoxo
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Hi PR – thank you so much for that very uplifting reply. This has been a battle and struggle – anyone here already knows what I mean or they wouldn’t be here! LOL I talked to my ex’s sister about this and she got very upset over the prospect of me removing myself from their lives – she’d rather give up HIM and keep me. LOL But she was respectful and said if that was what I needed to do she would have to understand. It’s not what I want to do though. They have actually helped me get through my shit storm of 2014 that I would have otherwise gone through all alone if not for them. They know there’s something wrong with him. I made the decision to go ahead and spend time with his family the other night that we had planned before I got discarded, even though I was apprehensive, but his kids are grown up and we hadn’t seen each other in a long time It was as if no time had passed….we were laughing and joking just like we used to and never discussed anything but fun stuff. My kids were there, too, and they all just get along so well. It’s as if he died and we just carry on without him. There may come a day when my ex and I can be friends, who knows, but I know I would never again consider anything more than that. We were friends before we became more and that’s when I started seeing the red flag behavior. He has gone his own way and he will inevitably destroy the lives of other women he gets involved with and I’m sorry they will be his victims but there’s nothing I can do about that. But after giving it much thought after asking my question here, I realized: “why should I let this asshole take anything more from me (i.e, his family who I love and get love from in return)?” and then after reading your response, I feel strong enough that I can handle it. I am the better part of the deal and I got the best part – his wonderful family who he no longer bothers with much. It’s really his loss. On so many levels.
Love, hugs and huge thank you’s! 😉
Karmabaybee
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Karmabaybee, I am so glad you were able to have the conversation. That reveals a lot! I personally would never trust my ex’s family, because I witnessed how they talked about his fiancee and wife before me. (They laughed at these women behind their backs, yet pretended to be friendly with them to their face.) So if you trust yourself and his family, you are allowed, especially since you are well-educated about how the dynamics could work against you. But in most cases, I am in agreement with PR…detaching from all mutual friends and family is generally the most effective way to protect ourselves from further abuse and manipulations. ❤
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I am married to this type of idiot. I have experienced all of this and it sickens me. All of the stupid games, manipulation, threats, the dislike of my children from a prior marriage, the unfaithfulness, etc.
He is just a awful individual.
He seems to have the power to fool all types of people into believing that he is something he is not. The latest is a bishop of a church.
He has asked for a divorce several times, and each time I say yes. He just looks at me like I am stupid.
I choose to stand up to him now, so now I am the evil one. I am so far in debt because of this person, I will never get out of it.
The man has done terrible law breaking things. Has hurt and manipulated innocent people. He will do anything to remain “That guy” in everyone’s eyes.
Someday Karma will catch up with him.
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Paula, I don’t even know who to trust anymore, even after commenting on trusting my ex-N’s family. I later asked myself and I realized that I can’t say for sure 100% “YES I can.” I came to the conclusion that I’m actually afraid to trust anyone and now I find myself second-guessing every decision I try to make and everyone else’s motives. I find myself not wanting to be around people anymore – I avoid going out. My life seems full of people, including my own damn family, who care less about me than I do about them, including my daughter. If this is an after-effect of narc abuse, not only does it suck, but it’s scaring me. I always feel like I’m being taken advantage of. I tend to be too nice and too forgiving…and too giving, so that makes me an easy target for opportunists like narcs. It’s not a virtue. It’s a fucking curse. So who are the narcs and who are just plain assholes and where the hell is that happy place?? (BTW, it’s not in DisneyWorld. Not when bottled water is $8 and Toluca turkey legs are $13!!!) haha.
Pamela, I am sorry that you are married to such an idiot who plays mind games, puts you on a sickening emotional roller coaster and caused so much pain. I know “that guy” – and those of us here who have been with “that guy” know the truth about them. They aren’t anything close to being the guy THEY think they are but it sucks because they can fool so many people it just goes on and on. But you’re right, karma will catch up with him and all the rest….someday.
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The trust issue is common!! Why do we end up questioning everyone who comes into our lives after the sociopath? Because we fail to first work on trusting ourselves. Do you trust yourself, Karmabaybee? Do you honor your promises to yourself?
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I don’t even know about that anymore, either, Paula and I’m not even talking in regards to my ex-N. That is just one part of the big picture that is my depression. The deaths of my family members have been much more painful than anything some asshole could ever dish out. I came here to try to understand this part of my life, the part where I fell for and believed a lie, because a counselor recommended that I read up on this and it was a startling revelation to say the least. But I’ve been hurt so many times by people I’ve loved and trusted that I have lost my ability to trust and I worry about my ability to love. Forget making promises – I make no promises to anyone at this point. I don’t even make promises to myself anymore.
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Hi Karma,
Trust me it does pass & Karma catches up with us all in one way or another.
I learnt to focus totally on myself like Paula said but, it took time & a lot of self reflection.
I did Gestalt therapy which was really hard but, took me on a deep introspective look at my life, right from the beginning.
I them realized my own patterns & boundaries & had to redefine healthy boundaries & my core value system. It was tough but, it worked!
As for Karma, my ex Socio got dumped on Monday by his current target & am old one, all on the same day!!! Yay 😉
The little parasite is now crawling off with the other cockroaches of life! Hahaha 😉
Keep going, you are not alone 🙂
Love & Light,
PR xoxo
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Thank you PR – maybe I need to look into that therapy. Was it through a therapist or books that you read? I love to read – I am more likely to do that than follow up with going to an actual therapist. As for your socio’s bad day, boo-fucking-hoo, right? 😀 Haha, enjoy karma asshole!!! I truly believe that day will come for mine, as well and in fact it may have already for all I know. I don’t know and I don’t care. I hope to be happy again someday before it’s too late.
Hugs and gratitude,
KB
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Hey Karma 🙂
I saw a therapist as it’s very hard on your own & they guide you gradually at your pace &comfort level. You have to sit with the ‘feeling’ as well as the thoughts so, best to feel supported & safe with a professional.
It brings up stuff & they guide you through from validation to acceptance. no judgments just love & compassion for yourself & from yourself.
You will learn how to cope with your feelings of betrayal & you will learn to trust yourself first & identify that ‘gut’ feeling again. It’s the intuitive warning system that we switch off with flight, flee or freeze that a bad experience provokes.
Paula recommends meditation & yoga & I think this would be great for you also?
I do it all except yoga, I am not a bendy person but, i go to the gym 3 days a week & walk my dog lots. 🙂
Anon had great advice also & you will find this all helpful.
Your not alone but, only you can do this work on You 🙂
PR xoxo
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Phoenix who cares about spelling mistakes. You shared your heart and deep parts of your life and that should be foremost not how you spelled something. You so touched me because I know talking about such things takes a bit of reaching deep or even very deep. I know I have my story of what made me allow the little boy in my life to stay a bit too long for some milk and cookies. I should have said heck no if you got no milk or cookies than leave. I do not like having “Kool-Aid” with my cookies! LOL
I thank you for being on this journey with me and showing me love. I love you so much back Phoenix and that is said with sincerity and a smile on my face and heart. .
Anon
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Right back at you ANON 🙂 with BIG LOVE ALWAYS & Thank you.
I look forward to meeting you one day on that higher plane 🙂
You & I will recognize each other for sure 🙂 🙂
Love & Light,
PR xoxo
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Oh and Phoenix me love you too and wishing you all enlightment.
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PhoenixRising I get you (my ex left countless victims) and that is why I stated some of us are made in the relationship. Therefore, what I mean by allow is that many of us write the same thing about there being red flags but ignored it. Women intuition is powerful. So initially we allowed or accepted these “evil little boys” and in little time they took our trust and manipulated for their benefit.
I see your side but I am trying to see the empowerment in what has happen to me, you and everyone. So all I am saying is I allowed him in my life but now allowing myself to put him out of my life. Saying this to myself makes me feel like I am getting my power back but does not negate what he did to me. I am fully acknowledging what he did but at the same time doing all I can to take back my power so when I am healthy for a relationship again I will not ignore the flags or I can easily become a victim again. I read somewhere unless you try to get healthy and recognize what happen the likelihood of being a victim again is high or relapsing to letting him back in.
I do not want to relapse and do not want to encounter the evil I encountered again because I want to love again and be in love. I also want to feel normal again and that will take time because I need to undo the negative processes that little boy helped create.
My ex stole a lot from me emotionally. Did I want him to do it? No. Was I purposely trying to allow him to hurt me? No. Yet, I am responsible for letting him in my life and letting him stay when the initial red flags went up, atleast that is how I see it.
Overall, Phoenix I no longer want to feel I struggle. I want to get to the point I am just the person with an interesting past but at the same time I never want to forget the dark path I was once on by helping others and keeping myself free, despite the hardship.
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Hi Anon 🙂
I agree wholeheartedly & have been on that same quest which has been hard & ongoing.
I had to look back over my whole life & work out how I became me & where the lines blurred.
For me it stemmed way back to child abuse from a trusted uncle & never really being protected or modeled what healthy boundaries were.
I was ‘let down’ by those who should have protected me but, as a child no-one hears your voice as you cannot understand not articulate the betrayal. It becomes your secret & the perpetrator tells you not to tell anyone etc…
My Socio did this as well & I became a protector of my abuser once again.
My father was an alcoholic & I married one aw well. My Dad had Narc traits & my ex does too.
My Socio was ‘my uncle’ the perceived good guy & my ex husband was my father the narcissist.
I ran the gauntlet from an abusive marriage straight into the arms of the Socio who misrepresented himself as a safe haven until he started his control & manipulation tactics.
So here we are my good friend & sister in arms Anon, doing all that hard but, necessary work to finally appreciate our own value, our own foible’s but, above all else our self worth & self love.
Keep going & now that you are loved & lovable & healthy boundaries & clear & defined core values that we must adhere to so as not to ever walk this road again.
Having said that, it has been good to walk it with you & I am sending you loads of love on your journey forward. 🙂
PR xoxo
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& loads of spelling & grammatical errors! The computer is a sociopath 😉
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Paula, you are welcome but my insight has grown from your help initially. Oh and hello PhoenixRising, glad to see you here. Now I want touch on something you said because these days I am about empowering myself.
You stated we are “made” to lower our standards. I like to think we were manipulated into allowing our standards of what is acceptable and not acceptable to be lowered. I refuse to give any power to that “evil little boy” and say he made me do anything. He did not make me do anything I allowed him to assist me in lowering my standards because I loved the taste of “kool-aid” and wanted another drink because he sugared it and chilled it so good, despite knowing that amount of sugar in “kool-aid” is not healthy for me.
Nonetheless, by saying allowed we take back our power because just as we allowed ourselves to be taken down a dark path we can allow ourselves to be taken to the path of enlightenment. I really believe if we say “made” than it leaves the power in his hands and makes it appear we never had any power, which is why some of us are still hurting. Many are just waiting for that final push over the edge to believe all the pain is real because just how can it be you went from amazing to nothing. Again, putting the power in his hands because is it not him that needs to give you the push to “make” you leave. Then there are those waiting for the final push for him to let us go because the hope is so fierce and if I just hold on a bit longer it will prove my love or those words “see my value”. Again, putting the power in his hands because in true love you should not feel a need or “made” to prove anything but more so feel you are loved for who you are at whatever stage you are in life.
Now the above is easier said than done because we are not like narcissist who can get over us in split second and because of our big hearts we love so easily. Second, there are some relationships you are “made” and there is no doubt about it but for many of us beautiful beings the power of saying we ALLOW makes a huge difference to our freedom, maintaining our freedom and helping us build our inner validation to the point we do not need not his approval or anyone to “make” us do anything to be free and valued.
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Hi Anon 🙂
I don’t think we allow their abuse etc…well, not knowingly anyway.
I think their stealth predatory grooming behaviors do make us step outside our comfort zones & boundaries.
I remember when in the passion of intimate moments he would ‘slip’ in a little bite or slap which wasn’t nasty at first, just playful but, overtime he would escalate & bite harder or slap harder.
If I complained or got upset, he would say I was ‘overreacting’ or ‘over sensitive’ & ‘ask me what was wrong & why was I so stressed!’
What was wrong was that he was escalating slowly & each time I reacted my own guilt & shame kicked in. I hadn’t allowed it but, was groomed & then felt stupid for ‘allowing’ myself to be subjected to that sort of behavior.
Once the cycle of devalue begins it oscillates backwards & forwards like a punish & reward system. Mine would do that & then up the seduction immediately as, ‘I would never deliberately hurt you, you know that & it didn’t bother you yesterday’ etc…so as the boundaries & his smoothing it over to make me think I was being ‘over sensitive’ etc…my own self doubt & his twisting of the events would ‘make’ me comply over & over.
I must add though that I did have my breaking point whereas the other women I know that are still with him have tolerated far worse. 😦 He has groomed them for longer.
I had 10 years, one OW is 14 yrs in & the other is 28 yrs in. The new OW is 5 yrs & we have all been int the game together! Oh & there are more but, these one’s I know personally!
They are all lovely women & all except me & the current are older than him. Two in their 70’s!
Lonely women he’s promised to marry etc…still waiting.
Love & light 🙂
PR xoxo
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I am going through this at the moment, have been off and on for 5 years and now I’m have been discarded and given the silent treatment with no closure or explanation whatsoever. It’s just like he disappeared but I know he has probably found another until he gets bored with her and comes out of the woods and resumes contact like nothing happened! Its just like a vicious circle, i wish i was strong and cut contact like he does so easily to me….
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Cutting contact is not a strength for him. It’s his weakness. People who can do that so easily do it because they lack compassion or care. The reason why cutting all contact is hard for the rest of us is because we can’t imagine just throwing away people, even if they threw us away first. But remaining no contact must be at the forefront of your mind, otherwise, you will continuously find yourself pleading for mercy. Begging to be considered. He will never consider you as anything more than a means to an end. You must look to your self first for validation. Inside out. Find it inside of you. Once you reclaim your value, you will never need or seek it from without, especially from losers like this guy. 🙂 ❤
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OMG, I think you were with my ex! But then I read these stories and I think everyone was with him! HAHA Seriously, that is EXACTLY what I am going through and it’s been 5 years, on-and-off. I’ve been discarded and given the silent treatment with no closure or explanation whatsoever. It’s as if we never happened and I never existed. I have been completely erased from his life. He is with someone else now and he will get bored but when he comes out of the woods to try to resume contact, (he has done this to me before) he will find he is still lost in the woods and will have to go find another way out. I have good and bad moments and you will, too, but someday it will be a distant memory and we will both wonder why the hell we ever put up with that shit in the first place. I wish you peace and strength!
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Well Done on ANOTHER GREAT POST 🙂
I am putting up link on my Face Book page.
You know I was just thinking about the ‘addiction cycle’ in regard to Robin Williams RIP 😦
How the lure of death is like an aphrodisiac to a desperate person just wanting peace of mind etc…
I imagine someone in great physical pain (like labour pains) where you will do anything to alleviate the pain so, if they offer morphine or pethidine etc…your there.
It’s the same for mental pain, the lure of death & eternal peace & relief from the incredible anguish that you have in your mind.
Like all addictions you want to feel better immediately & stop the pain that you are enduring.
The Soc drip feeds you the drug of them & then upon discard that pull to get them back to ‘fix’ you is so overwhelming that you go against your instincts & grab back the addiction.
Robin Williams was quoted as saying,
“As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do shit that even the Devil would go “dude…”
So, that for me sums up the Socio addiction.
You are made to drop your standards via intense grooming & gas-lighting & even after devaluation & discard you can be lured back by the devil that is your Soc & his/her addictive effectiveness on you.
I am still cold turkey for the turkey! 🙂
Love & light PR xoxox
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Thank you, PR. ❤
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What is your Facebook page!!??!!
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Hi Paula 🙂
My Face Book page is Awareness of Disordered Minds & surviving toxic personalities.
I started it to share what I had learnt & it’s growing slowly.
I have been posting links to your site so, judging by the likes, they will have had a looksy & enlightened & joined your fan club. 🙂
If I help one person, then I have succeeded 🙂
Love PR xoxo
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Let me apologize in advance to anyone who might be offended by the foul language about to be printed here, but FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCKKKKK! This is EXACTLY who I was with for 5 years!! I swear he was the case study for this story. I wasted 5 years. FIVE YEARS! And I still haven’t been able to break the addiction from the “love-bombing”, “honeymoon” or “idolization” phase (or whatever term is appropriate), but OMG I’m trying. His family still contacts me and they tell me I’m still family to them and they love me. I love them, too, but I think if we stay in each other lives, it may not be too good for me. But without them, I will hurt even more because I really do love them like family…they really have been so loving and supportive and comforting and not just through this ordeal but with my entire year from Hell including deaths in my family that I went through alone, not one word from the asshole sociopath who I’ve known since high school. His family doesn’t understand what’s wrong with him, either, but thanks to research and some counseling, I found out because I really needed an answer. I think I am going to print this out and show it to them because they need to know the truth and stop wishing he’ll “get over whatever is wrong with him” and come back to me. He’s never coming back, we were never real and I don’t want him back, he’s a pig bastard – a really bad person who has people believing he’s really awesome when he’s really not, something he used to say about his ex-wife!! But it’s really him!! He’s currently busy idolizing his next victim and I look forward to the day when karma takes a big, wet bite out of his narcissistic, full-of-shit, dumb ass. He’s actually not very smart so he’s not 100% the typical narcissist and he’d be the first to admit he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. He just always said his good looks (which aren’t nearly as good as HE thinks) and charm got him far in life and helped to hide his lack of education. His favorite lines are things like “I’d do me” or “nobody loves me more than me” – it was a disgusting turn-off, really. Eww.
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OMG! (No worries about the foul language, by the way.) And keep in mind that it’s only the narcissists and sociopaths themselves who try convincing us that they are highly intelligent. They know facts and can regurgitate facts and steal knowledge…that is not what a genius makes. So your guy is just as typical as the next one. And half of them lie about their schooling and credentials and the ones who did manage to graduate, only did so by paying someone to take their tests and write their papers!! 🙂
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Thank you Paula for the awesome insight. There really is something to be said for “group therapy”, counseling and finding others who know and understand this confusing, frustrating pain and realizing it isn’t me and I’m not alone. I’m just sorry that so many others have to experience this, as well and that the world is infested with sociopathic assholes. They are like the herpes of the relationship world. Once you’re with one, you can’t get rid of them. You just pray there’s no recurrence and that the dormant stage lasts forever. LOL
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Hehe! I’m pretty confident my ex won’t be trying to weasel his way back into my life anytime soon. Just a gut feeling I get. 😉
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Good for you – our guts are usually right (women’s intuition!) Wish I’d gone with mine when it told me to run BEFORE getting involved. I saw the red flags and I knew better but like you explained, we stay, we have hope because we’re addicted to the idolization phase.
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Reblogged this on BEEN TO HELL & BACK BECAUSE I FOUND THE EXITS and commented:
Ugh, this simple ass drawing just summed up the 5 years of my fucked up life, believing it was real but now knowing it was all a lie. Always a lie. And he goes around wearing a Superman t-shirt, too!! Wow.
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Paula, this is an awesome piece and a great follow-up to “We Can’t Break the Sociopath’s Cycle, but We Can Break Our Own”.
I was so there on so many levels! I use to be his “princess” and it hurt a great deal when I found out there were many “princesses”. I am sure fed lies because as I wrote before I found out I was used to make others jealous or seem like I was following him like a lost puppy that could not do without him. Yet, little did they know he was feeding me lies as he fed them lies and I am sure at this very moment he is looking for another way to use me for his benefit and someone will believe him (I am on she hurt me so much list and that is why I am like this). Honestly, it is such a vicious cycle of lies and control that I feel sick writing about it but if this will help someone I think it is worth my time.
Believe me if I had known about other women I would have attempted to leave him and yes I say attempted because I was drinking the “kool-aid” and high in my addiction to him. It also did not help that he kept telling me I was imagining things or he was so disappointed I was listening to idle gossip or how could I believe a stranger over him. I feel so sad believing him all those years we were together. Yet, when I started having my awakening I started asking myself questions. Even if there were no other women why do I feel like I can’t trust him? And why is everything wrong with my thinking or me and if I say there is something wrong with you than you get upset? Yes, the list of questions and denial can go on and will continue to go on until you stop it, which I did by walking away.
Now I want to comment on the person who said she finally feels better than one of his harem girls. I too felt that way for a moment and I understand it so I am not condemning your feeling. I have no right to condemn or judge anyone, so know this is an opinion.
I use to feel I am attractive etc. so do I deserve this? Yet, I realize we are all victims and remember these men or even women pick on the weakest at times. Point blank it was something these narcissists saw in every victim that told him I will victimize you and get away with it. There is no blue print in amount of education, attractiveness etc because we all fell for the LIES but more something he sees, so it is better and healthier to not compare yourself because if you do at times it makes you feel worse. Even more so it is what most narcissist use and what haunts us if we let it. If you keep focusing on others than some who are in the struggle of freeing themselves never get out totally because it becomes if I do one more thing he will finally realize I am of value and what he lost. Well guess what I found a narcissist did not know what he had in the first place! Let me REPEAT a narcissist does not know what he had in the first place!
He does not care about your value or anyone value! He cares about what your value is for his benefit and that alone. No more or less, which is so hard to accept because as Paula says we are so addicted to all the praise in the beginning we keep hoping that “idolization” phase will come back or we say to ourselves maybe he is confused and maybe if that new person was gone all will be better. No it will not get better. It will get worse because you believed more lies and knowing that hurts at the core and depresses you more to the point you are almost hopeless.
The worse feeling in the world is when you keep giving a person chance after chance and they screw you over. But you know there is something worse than that and that is the day you think all is well and he is convinced you all is well and he lays a bigger emotional bomb on you. Yes, some narcissist are like that they can have a good streak for a long moment than attack , which makes you question yourself more or leave the door open for you to blame others. I know many have said before she or he came all was great, well if you truly take a look no it was not and you would know it if you were not so busy focusing on others instead of the person actions who needs your focus the most, which is the narcissist. At the end of the day ask yourself who hurt you? Why is that person acting or saying that without knowing you and why is the person who supposed to love you treating like this? The answer leads to one person and that one person only and that is what we all need to learn to start our way to freedom and remain free.
Furthermore, Harem is so correct but in a way if you say you are better than are you not still in the harem in some capacity or sitting outside the door instead of far from the harem, where it is definitely safer. The very fact to say you are better is you questioning your value, which may be true to do depending on what scale of society you stand on or how you view life. Yet, I believe this way. If someone is trashy, low etc then they have been hurt or not taught correctly a long the way and then there are some people just plain evil. Therefore, for us survivors if we hope to be TOTALLY free than we must say it is not so much I am better than anyone but I am better off than those locked in the cage because I am free.
You see he knows he has you still trapped, when you respond with certain words or actions. Believe or not ever time you try or even think you are better it hurts you. However, I know thinking your way and my former way makes you feel good but it is fleeting because again comes the question of “value”. There is none for him but there is so much for you
Take back your power. Pay attention to your freedom and this alone will make you more empowered in so many ways. Embracing your freedom and focusing on it so you always remain free and get all you deserve and more as well as feel the greatest joy when you possibly open the door for the person you feel you are better than but just may be better off because you are free.
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Wow! Thank you for this. You’re absolutely correct. No judgment or comparison of ourselves to past, current or future “victims,” because we are all the same in the eyes of the sociopath. Compassion for those who come after us…that’s what we must feel. They are being duped and dragged into the same hell we were able to escape. I pity my ex’s current victim. She has no idea what’s about to strike her and render her powerless and defenseless against his plan to take everything from her…to strip her foundation and leave her flailing for oxygen.
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It’s funny, it took seeing the trash he’s with now, to make me realize – oh hell no – I’m BETTER than that. If SHE likes him, and she just threatened to “beat the f@#K” out of me if she ever sees me, then there’s NO WAY I could or would ever be associated with either of them. I just woke up. I’ve tried for years, and I finally have him blocked forever – it’s only been 2 weeks – but at least this way I don’t wonder if he tried to contact me – I have no way of knowing – and it is truly liberating. I feel free. He’s just disgusting to me now. If I think of him now – I immediately hear her trashy voice cussing me out every which way she could. No class whatsoever. I finally reamember – my parents raised me well, and I AM better than her. Poor girl.
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great post!
my narcissistic, socio-path and in my opinion, psychotic, birth sister (placed into adoption due to mother’s death) and the subject of my and another sister’s blogs…is forever in the state of love-delusions. The beginnings, the reality stage, then the breakup, maybe makeup, but always the END with all it’s ugly parts! And she tells the entire world! In the four years that we have been blogging about her and the libelous book/dirty deeds she wrote/did, she has had at least four (4) great romances that were billed, by her, as the REAL DEAL. Yep…
It was a year ago when she got ‘engaged’ two weeks after she met the guy in a bar and then went across the country from NY to NM with a drunk! It was only this past January 2014 that she washed her hands of that guy! And guess what? Yep…she met another this past July and NOW that is being billed as OFFICIAL. Official as in what? Some guy she met in a park! I give this one the same amount of time as the others before, 6 months and then she’ll throw him under the bus, like she’s done with several others before!
So the question is…when narcissistic, socio-path and/or psychotics met…do they recognize each other? Do they compliment each other? Have each NEVER learned to get out of that loop of BS? Or do they deserve each other?
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I think they repel each other. I do not believe two pathological types would last very long before both of them self-implode. Maybe that’s what your sister is looking for…someone to ultimately help destroy her and put her out of her misery. 🙂
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It is so interesting because when I had my fall out with my sociopath I always wondered how just like that he could swipe me away, like I or the bad situation we were in never existed. There was a certain look in his eye that made me cringe! After I left that day I never spoke or heard from him ever again. This article helps to start make sense of that, thank you
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You’re welcome, Gigi. To be left for dead…that’s what is so difficult for us to wrap our heads around.
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Reblogged this on stronger than I was and commented:
I have realized that I was addicted and not yet fully recovered althought the no contact is working I just have to keep it up .I have had members of my family and freinds say im sure he has hypnotised you or put a curse on you and also that I must like the stress and I have asked myself what am I addicted to the pain the stress the drama ..well not anymore 🙂
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I am so happy to finally be coming out of the “detox” stage. Finally being the key word. I’d never really thought of myself as an addict, only that I was addicted to him. Interesting analogy. I did something today that solidifies my moving on – I went to the doctor and am getting tested for every single STD imaginable. I hope everything’s ok – but I’ve spent so many nights wondering and worrying about who he is or has slept with that once I get the all clear – I will “feel” cleaner and worthy of someone new. He made me feel so pathetic and almost dirty like – simply because I knew he was sleeping around and I was stupid enough and able to convince myself that I was still “special.” His new gf cussed me out in the trashiest way a few weeks ago, and I think she thinks she “won” him from me. I gave that prize up. After 11 years of his crap – I just want these tests to be negative – and I can officially close that door of my life. I don’t need his approval anymore. Hearing how the gf talks – so trashy and mean – zero class – made me realize I’m better than her. I finally feel better than one of his other harem of girls!!! Such a good feeling.
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I’m thrilled you came to this place in your thinking, Kim. It’s not easy to get to this place. Getting the full battery of STD tests is a great idea. I did the same after my ex’s former fiancee contacted me and informed me he gave her warts and the HPV virus. These people are trash and dirty and try making us feel just like them. Yuck! I’m sending you lots of good vibes! 🙂
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I feel like this article was written for me. I just came out of the relationship you described. I went from being the most beautiful, gorgeous, amazing woman in the world to being belittled for EVERYTHING which then led to physical abuse. Then, thrown away without so much as the bat of an eye. Wow. This article really spoke to me. Thank you.
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You’re welcome, Tara. 🙂
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@Tara: Aside from the physical abuse, which I never experienced, I would swear we were with the same guy after reading your response! I was discarded right after Christmas last year have gotten the total silent treatment since, even after both my parents died and he was informed. He just didn’t care. And he had a new victim waiting immediately after discarding me. I read this article and I felt like my guy was the case study used to write it! Sorry you went through emotional AND physical abuse but I wish you peace and strength. I wish that for all of us here and anyone else who ever suffered abuse from a sociopath. It is a horrible experience.
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Paula I would love for you to write something how sociopaths also do this to their children
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It’s absolutely the same dynamic, isn’t it? But worse because children actually do need acceptance and approval from their parents – the very people who should provide it unconditionally. 😦
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And it’s exactly what the sociopath in my story did to my son. Exactly. And it drove my son crazy! I will try to write something about this. It is highly triggering when I switch it to that dynamic, because it was bad enough he did it to me, but why did he have to target my 5-year-old?
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Great! ❤
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I have been through these stages- especially stuck on “Please! Please! See my value (as you once supposedly did)”. Ha! They are incapable of recognizing value. They only recognize a need that must be fulfilled, whatever form that takes.
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