Why the Sociopath Needs Secondary Supply to Maintain Primary Supply

Not only does the sociopath groom and prep his primary victim in the early idolization phase of the toxic relationship, the sociopath also grooms and preps the victim’s closest family member or best friend as secondary supply.

The sociopath does this to build an illusion of trust between himself and a person who came into the life of his current victim many years before the sociopath.

If the sociopath can establish this false trust with a victim’s best friend or closest family member, then the sociopath is able to successfully triangulate and gain support when his primary victim begins to question the sociopath’s motive.

The secondary supply is only privy to all of the so-called love and respect the sociopath has for the primary victim. The secondary supply, whenever alone with the sociopath, repeatedly is fed lines by the sociopath such as:

“I love her so much. She and I are perfect for each other. She came into my life just when I needed her the most and she needed me. You see that, right? How beautiful is that!?!”

The secondary supply is so happy for her friend, the primary supply, and even repeats the sociopath’s shallow declarations to others in their inner circle. The secondary supply is enveloped in the same fog as the primary victim, but the secondary supply never experiences the reality of the sociopath’s dark side the way the primary supply eventually and insidiously does.

So when the primary supply starts confiding her misgivings and doubts about the sociopath to the secondary supply, the secondary supply is there to immediately counter the concerns with what she thinks is love, support, and reassurance:

“Don’t be silly! He loves you so much. All he tells me is that you saved him and he saved you and that he wants to grow old with you. Other women don’t matter to him any more! He loves you! Give yourself more credit and stop worrying. You need him and he needs you. He tells me all the time. He’s good for you.”

This just perpetuates and deepens the primary supplies confusion and cognitive dissonance.

And if the primary victim doesn’t go to the secondary supply with her concerns and instead starts by confronting the sociopath, the sociopath will direct her to talk to the secondary supply:

“Don’t be silly! You’re imagining things. I love you so much. Just ask Alice.”

In my case, the sociopath found supply from my elderly mother. My sisters were no match for his empty and transparent compliments. All they saw was an arrogant fool who was fooling their sister.

But my mother…she was blindsided by the sociopath’s feigned concern and charm, as are all secondary supplies…at first.

And it wasn’t until my mother, the boy’s only source of secondary supply that could possibly influence me, suddenly dropped her support of the sociopath that I too began to really question his motives and authenticity.

This past Mother’s Day, my mother approached me, because she couldn’t figure out how to delete messages between the boy and my mother through Facebook. She had been too ashamed to ask me for help to delete them sooner. She was ashamed of her part in the perpetuation of the toxic relationship. She also feared I would be triggered and become angry after reading the messages.

The only thing the messages proved were what I have known all along. I assured my mother that she did nothing wrong, that I wasn’t upset with her, and that reading the messages validated me.

Delete!! Poof! My mother is no longer haunted by the King of Cons.

Who was your sociopath’s secondary supply?

Namaste!
~Paula

When You Break No Contact and Discover the Other Woman/Other Man at the Same Time

First, don’t feel ashamed for breaking No Contact. Almost all of us do it. I did it three times after I escaped. It’s almost like a necessary rite of passage to break NC just to prove we aren’t being too hasty with our decision to rid our lives of these jerks.

(Just don’t go out of your way to break NC.)

If you do break NC and discover the existence of the other woman (or other man), be cautious and control your desire to tell the OW/OM everything, especially if the OW/OM is still with the sociopath.

Sociopaths thrive on pitting people against each other in order to divert attention and anger away from the sociopath…where it truly belongs and is deserved.

If the sociopath is able to triangulate his supply against each other, his supply projects all of the anger that should be directed at the sociopath onto each other.

Victims fight against each other, which creates the drama upon which the sociopath thrives. If his supply is preoccupied with hurting and blaming each other, the sociopath escapes scrutiny and accountability, while appearing like a savior AND a victim.

(How convenient!!)

Be satisfied that the OW/OM knows you exist. That’s plenty of help in itself, because the seed of doubt has been planted. It’s up to the OW/OM to germinate that seed, not you.

As for the sociopath retaliating directly if you do reach out to the OW/OM, it’s likely but not probable, especially if the sociopath can convince the OW/OM you’re nuts.

Let the sociopath do whatever the sociopath desires.

If he can’t convince the OW/OM that you’re nuts, the sociopath will try convincing everyone that you’re both crazy.

(After all, he IS the victim, remember?)

Again, resist the urge to defend yourself and your reputation. Just let the sociopath do whatever he desires. (Outside of a court setting, of course.)

Why?

Non-sociopaths simply can’t beat these fools at the destructive games they play, because non-sociopaths are not destructive people.

The truth behind the sociopath’s lies and manipulations always surfaces in time.

Besides, if you try to be like a sociopath and play the sociopath’s game, you will only break your spirit more. Take it from me, someone who learned that lesson the hard way. 🙂

Namaste!
~Paula

Leaving the sociopath before the discard

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Choosing to leave the sociopath before the sociopath is ready to discard you may cause increased cognitive dissonance if you don’t know what to expect.

In the beginning, the sociopath exhausts you of all your novelty in the early love-bombing and idolization phase.

The sociopath is so interested in your interests and becomes so immersed in your life and daily routine that you become intoxicated by all of the attention.

You interpret this as a good thing. You interpret this as an AMAZING thing. The sociopath must love you so much to want to become your twin, huh?

The sociopath even seems to bond quickly and easily with your inner circle of friends and certain family members.

You’re in awe of how alike you are! Where has the sociopath been all of your life?

And that’s exactly the question you should be asking. Where HAS the sociopath been? Where are the sociopath’s friends and family? If the sociopath is so amazing, there MUST be others who think the same, right?

Oh, wait! You bought into the sociopath’s professions that YOU are the first person to enter his life who makes the sociopath whole and complete. Sorry. You’re so special. I forgot. You have superpowers and are the only effing person out of millions and millions that “gets” this pitiful creature and can give him the love and understanding that he needs. Everyone else from his past, including his mother and siblings, just couldn’t grasp the genius of the sociopath. But you can. Sorry. I forgot.

Do you see how absolutely absurd this is? Everyone else left this person, and you seem to think it’s because the sociopath is somehow superior and that’s why everyone misunderstands him but that you are somehow superior in your ability to care and listen to him and that’s why the sociopath chose you?

Um. Not exactly.

You won’t be feeling very special and powerful once the sociopath sucks you dry of your creativity and energy. You REALLY won’t be feeling very special once you finally decide to ask the sociopath for love and support and understanding and instead get the sociopath screaming at you, “You’re such an ungrateful bitch. I give so much to you and all you want is more?”

And you feel guilty and continue to give freely, because that’s what love is about. You stop asking for anything in return, because only ungrateful whores do such a thing and you refuse to be accused of THAT again. Some people just show their love in different ways, right? The sociopath is so much more evolved in the way he loves you, and you should be just as evolved in how you love the sociopath. Right?

Again, the absurdity! This is how you get stuck in cognitive dissonance. You know love is patient and kind and compassionate and reciprocal. You know it is, so why do you believe the BS spewing from the sociopath’s mouth? Oh, because he’s done things for you and bought things for you and said nice things to you and complimented you on your character? Wonderful. The sociopath must really love you.

Did you forget that people who love you don’t keep track of their good deeds? People who love one another listen to each other’s pain; they don’t deny their pain or shame them and make the other feel miserable and ungrateful for expressing their pain.

The sociopath said and did some nice things, but now the sociopath holds those nice things over your head as his free pass to treat you in any shitty way the sociopath pleases. Is that love? Do people who really love you not listen to you and immediately point a shaming finger back at you if you open up about what you perceive as unfair treatment?

No. A caring person does not deflect. Someone who loves you will say, “Wow, I had no idea when I did that you felt that way. I’m sorry. Let’s talk about this more. I don’t want to make you feel like that again.”

How many times do YOU say that to the sociopath and how often does the sociopath say this to you?

And don’t count the times the sociopath sat seemingly attentive, bouncing on his seat, arms folded in front of him just waiting for you to shut up so the sociopath can say, “Are you finished? Do you feel better now?”

How condescending, rude and disrespectful! You’ll eventually tire of this lack of respect and lack of caring and compassionate reciprocity.

Once you show any signs of being tired or unwilling to give, give, give, the sociopath interprets your behavior as uncaring and unloving.

The sociopath fails to see this lack of reciprocity. The sociopath thinks just being in your life is the sociopath’s gift to you, and the fact that he keeps forgiving your ungratefulness and hasn’t left or discarded you should be indicative of how much he cares, right?

Wrong!

The sociopath doesn’t “forgive” you. The fact the sociopath remembers every slight you’ve commuted against him should be your cue. And the only reason the sociopath hasn’t left you…yet…is because there is no one waiting in the wings ready to pity the sociopath and provide the sociopath with immediate supply.

There is no doubt that if you decide to leave the sociopath now, without a source of supply waiting in the wings for him, the sociopath will act and seem devastated. The sociopath will cry and whine to others that he loved you more than you loved him and you unfairly abandoned the sociopath. And in all of his crying and flailing about, he’ll gain pity. The sociopath may even convince one of your friends that you are the cause of the breakup.

Now you have someone else that you thought cared about you brainwashed into thinking you’re ungrateful and uncaring. It’s enough to make you lose your mind defending yourself.

And it seems to make zero difference to anyone that you are not the person who repeatedly loses girlfriends, fiancees, spouses and best friends over the course of your lifetime. It doesn’t seem to matter to these unsuspecting folks, who are getting dragged into the sociopath’s triangulation, that it’s the sociopath who behaves from a place of hate, fear and jealousy…not you.

The more you reach out to your inner circle, the more you realize that these unsuspecting individuals have been fed so many lies. The sociopath even said to them, “And she’ll say X, Y and Z in her defense. Just wait. You’ll see. That will be your proof that she never cared about me, used me the entire relationship and is the cause of all my pain!”

And you DO respond exactly as the sociopath predicted you’d respond.

How could the sociopath be so foretelling in how you’d respond to the criticism if the criticism were not true?

Easy. Who wouldn’t be defensive when shameful secrets you once shared in confidence with the sociopath are now being used against you to make you look like the abusive and hateful person?

Somehow this very simple observation gets lost on people. Maybe it’s because people like knowing the struggles and misfortunes of others so they feel better about their own lives. It’s true. And the sociopath counts on it. The sociopath counts on people judging you negatively based on secrets that the sociopath carelessly shares.

It’s not even worth wasting your breath trying to defend yourself, because “yes” you did those things and said that thing. Defending the facts misconstrued out of context as lies and judgement is exhausting and can drive a person mad. Don’t even attempt to defend yourself against people hell-bent on choosing the dark gossip over the innocent truth. Dark gossip always wins.

So what do you do about it?

The first thing you do is accept that you trusted the wrong person with your secrets.

The second thing that you do is refrain from participating in the destructive gossip of others. When someone comes to you with someone else’s secrets, stop the gossip in its tracks. Simply say, “That’s unfortunate. I really have no opinion.”

And how could you have an opinion? What that person did can only be explained by that person and that person isn’t even in the room.

And if the gossip monger refuses to shut up, ask the gossip monger, “What is your purpose in telling me this?”

Hmm? An honest gossip monger will say, “Because I want you to dislike that person and like me instead.”

Hehe! But we know there are no “honest” gossip mongers among us that understand their motivation like this.

Instead, the gossip monger will say to you, “Don’t you think so-and-so is a terrible person for behaving in such a way?!?!”

Ahhh…the deflection. The deflection of judgment. If you agree and say the person is terrible, then the gossip monger sociopath can hold that over YOUR head if you ever decide to defend so-and-so in the future:

“You said on such-and-such a date that you thought she was horrible and now you’re her friend? I’m telling her.”

Again, jealousy, hate and control are what drives these people.

When the person you’re now defending confronts you about once calling her crazy, simply say, “Yes, I said that. I was wrong. I am ashamed. I didn’t have all the facts, and the sociopath seemed so convincing.”

Forgive this person. They were a pawn just like you.

Remember, you’re going to lose friends when you leave the sociopath. But know that it’s because lies and drama excite people. People gravitate toward drama, because they are so lost and bored with their own lives. Sociopaths count on other people’s boredom to gain supporters. Accept it, even if it means standing in a corner alone for a while. All that alone time will provide you with the much-needed opportunity to self-assess, self-reflect and self-improve.

Reject the urge to lash out at the lies and personal secrets being spread. Remain non-engaged.

And when and if those people who once “followed” the sociopath come running to you to apologize, accept their apology without forcing them to explain why they supported the sociopath in the first place. You already know why, because you once supported the loser, too.

Namaste!
~Paula

(Image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/441704675925805414/)

Self-love, the Golden Rule, and the Triangulation Trap

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One of the most annoying characteristics of my pathological relationship with the boy in my story was his repeated plea: “I NEED you to love me.”

The first time he said it I was annoyed and responded, “That’s sad, because I don’t NEED you to love me.”

I was ready to leave the relationship when he said this the first time. How pathetic must a person be to make such a ridiculous statement? But as his crocodile tears fell and his wails and cries overtook my senses, I was fooled into thinking that real love was about needing each other, and I should need him as much as he needed me. He proclaimed that I was heartless and cruel if I didn’t see it that way.

Being considered heartless and cruel was not how I wanted to leave the relationship. I was hell-bent on proving I was neither of those things. BIG MISTAKE!!! I should have been okay with his assessment of me, but I wasn’t okay with it. I had my own doubts and insecurities. My self-love was definitely not where it should have been, which allowed me to be so vulnerable to the boy’s abuse in the first place.

After escaping, it took me many months to re-build the self-love that was lost and to finally establish the extra self-love that had eluded me for so many years. I now have the confidence to accept and to be okay with the negative opinions others have of me.

Sometimes the negative reactions come from someone I love dearly (like my husband) who sometimes disagrees with something I have said or done. His words are accepted as constructive criticism, and I roll with it and change the way I express myself and communicate. We both do. Valuable and healthy relationships require work and natural give-and-take.

Other times I learn that the person who has reacted negatively and often OVER reacts negatively to things I say or do (like the wife of a friend) has always been fishing for reasons to lash out and point a shameful finger my way. Why? Because she didn’t want to build a friendship or relationship with me in the first place. She is sadly disordered and immature. Instead of engaging her, I choose to ignore her. Nothing I say or do will change her mind. I’m okay with that. I choose my battles, as they say.

In addition to learning how to be okay with what others think of me, my journey of healing and change has also taught me how to protect myself from future harm and to avoid harming others. I admit to inflicting harm upon the boy. I called him nasty names and yelled at him and avoided him. I even tossed a chair at him on one occasion. I behaved badly and regret my part and am accountable for it.

But there is no excuse for abuse even when it is reactionary. No one deserves to be called names even if they called us names first. No one deserves to be ignored even if they choose to ignore us first. No one deserves to be made to feel like trash even though they tossed us outside as if we were garbage ourselves.

We learn how we should treat others as early as grade school. It’s the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Unfortunately, I lost sight of this valuable lesson when I was thrust into a crazy-making relationship with the boy. Everyone loses sight of this lesson with abusers because no one is immune to the negative effects a relationship with a disordered and pathological person has on our spirits. There are no exceptions. We are all susceptible.

Fortunately, there is a way to never lose sight of this rule again: learn to recognize the warning signs of abusers BEFORE establishing a relationship.

Below is an example of a technique used by nearly every abuser in the early “get-to-know-you” period: Triangulation. (By no means is this the ONLY technique. It’s just the most common and one I have read and heard repeatedly from victims.)

Triangulation is used by abusers to assess your vulnerabilities and your ability to empathize. How you react immediately cues the abuser in to whether or not you’re a good target and easily influenced. The more moldable you seem, the more likely the abuser will be attracted to you and pursue a deeper connection. A successful triangulation sets the stage for future interactions and manipulations. If you recognize this happening, run in the opposite direction.

Example of Triangulation

You meet someone. He talks negatively about a person you have never met and uses phrases like “Don’t you think?” and “Can you believe it?” The abuser wants you to agree with his negative assessment of someone else’s behavior. He wants you to make an unfair judgment about someone you haven’t even met!

Why? For starters, he needs validation. Abusers are insecure losers, remember? In addition, he needs ammunition. More than likely you’ll one day meet the person he is talking about, and you’ll probably like that person. If you do end up becoming friends with that person, the abuser can use your initial opinion of the person against you even though it wasn’t an opinion at all. It was just you being conversational.

Triangulation techniques are unfair, but they’re meant to be. Don’t get sucked in!! Instead of nodding in agreement and adding fuel to his negative fire, say something like,

“It’s too bad you feel the way you do about your sister-in-law. Maybe you should talk to her about how you feel. I don’t know her, so I don’t think I can help you.”

Maybe throw in another statement like,

“It seems like it can be easily resolved between the two of you.”

I know what you’re thinking. “Who are you trying to fool, Paula?!” We know abusers aren’t interested in a resolution; they enjoy their crazy-making, but suggesting this might cause a disordered and pathological abuser to run from YOU! Who knows. It’s worth a try.

Remember, if the abuser is willing to throw a close relative under the bus, he’ll surely have no hesitation in throwing you under it, too. And once you’re IN the relationship, avoiding agreement in a discussion built on triangulation techniques will simply make the abuser rage at you. Triangulation is a repeated technique and tool used to get validation. If the abuser doesn’t get it, you’re in for an evening of pain and suffering.

Don’t play this game in the first place. Maintain your self-love and remember the Golden Rule when you find yourself being triangulated. Your dedication to behaving well will be a total turn off to the abuser. Go you!

Namaste!

(image source: mentalhealth.net)

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