Jake’s story: Abuse, addiction, and love with a sociopath #DVawarenessMonth

Hsing Wei/FLICKR

Hsing Wei/FLICKR

October 10, 2014 – Jake’s story: Abuse, addiction, and love with a sociopath

BETHESDA, Maryland, October 10, 2014 — Jake* is a survivor of drug addiction and sociopath abuse living and recovering in The United States.


My name is Jake and my story is not for the faint of heart (as with anyone who has been in a toxic relationship with a sociopath). My story involves addiction, therefore is painful to talk about, but in writing this story I believe I will find healing so I can move on with my life. If I can help even one person with my story, then all of this was worth it. Read more…

Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

release me, paula renee carrasquillo, paula reeves-carrasquillo

The Exorcism of the Sociopath: Victim to Survivor

release me, paula renee carrasquillo, paula reeves-carrasquilloAfter this past week, I am more focused and determined to finally compile this blog into my second book, a follow up to Escaping the Boy. I’ve even come up with a working title:

The Exorcism of the Sociopath

One of the many realizations I came to over the past 18 months through my blog and my interactions with readers is that even after escaping the pathological relationship with the boy, I continued to be silently and insidiously possessed by something not of myself. I ruminated on the “why”s and “how”s of what happened. I self-soothed with alcohol for a while. I got stuck in a place I didn’t like.

In order to get unstuck and to rid myself of whatever it was that had possessed me, I needed to acknowledge that I wasn’t myself, accept that I was a victim of not being myself and then work toward releasing myself from the invisible stronghold that had overcome me.

Confused? So was I. All I knew was that I was hurting myself and those in my life who loved me. I wanted to stop.

My biggest hurdle to being able to end the insanity was believing I had been a victim in the first place. Who me?! No way was I ever going to admit to being taken advantage of. In doing this, in this resistance, I hurt myself. I was delusional. I tried repressing feelings and emotions that only a victim could possibly feel and emit.

I was NOT going to admit to being a victim. NEVER!

Silly me. I had very strong negative connotations connected to “being a victim.” I thought it was a death sentence. I thought that people would look at me differently and treat me differently and not feel like they could trust me. I worried that people would think I was telling my story in order to make excuses for my behavior. I never wanted to be perceived that way. I could fix myself and no one would ever have to know what happened to me.

I soon realized that I had to embrace, at least temporarily, my role as a victim. By doing that, I was able to discover how I was REALLY affected, emotionally and spiritually. I discovered invaluable support from people who didn’t feel sorry for me but who had faith in my ability to overcome. Once I was willing to take the added strength of others, I was able to let go of that victim role and embrace being a survivor, someone in total and complete control of my destiny regardless of where I had been and who had tried to destroy me.

My hope is that my second book will help guide others out of victim mode and into full survival mode. I want to see everyone who has ever entered a pit similar to the one I entered emerge a better and stronger person.

Accountability equals empowerment.

I am by no stretch of the imaginiation finished with my healing and recovery. But I know I am much stronger than I have ever been, and I foresee myself continuing to grow and learn throughout the next phases and stages of my life.

I want you to succeed. I want you to feel good about admitting that you were, at one time a victim. Most importantly, I want you to be a survivor. I want you to be someone you love and trust. Because once you become someone you love and trust, others will be more willing and able to love and trust you also.

Namaste!
~ Paula
(image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/444871269411994202/)

Judgment Day and Finding Recovery: A Reader Shares her Story

TWTC story December 29, 2012

I have been a bit quiet today and need to catch up on my reader comments. (I’m not ignoring you!!) I have been busy preparing a two part story for my TWTC column, Living Inside Out Loud.

Yesterday, a reader contacted me with her story. Out of her need for safety and self preservation, she chose not to share her story publicly. I told her I would share it on my blog and in my column. She agreed!!

I hope you will read both parts, share, and comment. Her hope is to help others by sharing her story, something we all need in our healing and recovery.

Part I: Judgment Day

Part II: Finding Recovery

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