Cosby is a Psychopath and so is that person you think is ‘just’ a Narcissist

I was duped. I took this picture last February.

I was duped. I took this picture last February.

A person who must lie about who he is, what he believes in, and about his feelings to get you to love him and then manipulate you into thinking your love is only genuine if you see him as superior and that you must never question his superiority is a narcissist and a sociopath and a psychopath.*

We want to make a distinction among these terms: narcissist, sociopath and psychopath. I no longer believe these terms are mutually exclusive; and if given enough time and observation, we will see that those we once thought were “just” narcissists, will prove they were psychopaths all along who simply wore their masks of sanity incredibly well.

I think psychiatry, neuroscience, and other behavioral sciences will one day realize this too and conclude that these terms (which are man-made terms based on limited human observations) all refer to the same type of person: [insert new term to encompass all three].

Today, we determine which label to apply based on the intensity or level of evil one of these types presents to us. What is becoming more and more clear to me is that the behavior of the pathological is purely situational and dependent on how much resistance they face from their chosen victim(s) and what resources they have available to them.

A person we once referred to as “just” a narcissist, does something that convinces us he is a sociopath, and then it’s revealed that he has done something even more diabolical which elevates him to the ultimate status of psychopath.

Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths…they are all the same. It’s just that it takes time and a change in their status, resource level, and support level for their behavior to become evident and measurable through observation thus proving that they crossed the imaginary boundaries distinguishing the terms a long, long time ago.

Look at Cosby. If all psychopaths were lucky enough to have his money and connections to create the persona and mask he hid behind for decades, I don’t think we would ever fully understand or comprehend how easy it is for psychopaths to hide in our midst. Or how easy it is for psychopaths to instill fear in their victims forcing victims to remain silent, thus perpetuating the psychopath’s mask and outward persona of goodness and righteousness.

All psychopaths want to have the power Cosby had. The money, the honorary degrees, the celebrity.

In their delusions, like Cosby, they create micro universes where they ARE King. Some even name their cars or their wi-fi networks after themselves. The wealthier ones name yachts and airplanes after themselves. Same disease; different level of resources.

And these people are not geniuses or brilliant. They manipulate the most primitive part of us: our desire and need to be loved by another human being.

And in order to manipulate our primitive brain, all they have to do is tap into their primitive brain filled with trickery, manipulations and emotional blackmail.

Anyone who has to lie, cheat and steal to win people, jobs and status and then bash those same people to con others to gain a fresh supply of people, jobs and status is dangerous.

Period.

The cycle of abuse they follow in romantic relationships is the same cycle they use in all relationships, in organizations and in communities: assess, groom, idolize, devalue and discard.

Their evil behavior curls around and tarnishes and attempts to destroy everything and everyone in its path.

With Cosby, the American public was groomed and charmed into submission thanks to the creation of a character named Dr. Huxtable. Dr. Huxtable was Cosby’s “sheep’s clothing” and protected Cosby from being exposed for decades.

The man who raped those ladies is not a good person. He exemplifies a psychopath.The man who raped you, abused you, tormented your children and then cried to everyone in earshot that you’re a liar and insane is not a good person.

You can call him a sociopath, a narcissist or a psychopath. It doesn’t matter, because those of us who have met the devil know there isn’t a label or term available to use that can encompass the ugliness and insidiousness of what we lived.

Namaste!
Paula Carrasquillo
yogi. author. advocate.

* Note: This also applies to females who are psychopaths.

Survival story #15 – Ophelia’s story: Surviving a sociopath’s cruelty and mind games @commdiginews

freedom

October 15, 2014 – Ophelia’s story: Surviving a sociopath’s cruelty and mind games

BETHESDA, Maryland, October 15, 2014 — Ophelia* is a survivor of domestic violence and pathological abuse living, raising her daughter and energetically healing in The United States.

I waited until my 40’s and met a handsome doctor who was also an impressive musician and who seemed to have the same values and goals as I did. He lived in another state but drove to see me often, showered me with affection, attention, gifts, trips and fancy dates.

I loved who I thought he was, which I later realized he created by mirroring me. Because of this, I thought I had met my soulmate. He had children from a previous marriage, so I moved to be with him, where I knew no one. I got pregnant and jumped in with both feet and woke to discover I had married a sociopath. Read more...


Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Jake’s story: Abuse, addiction, and love with a sociopath #DVawarenessMonth

Hsing Wei/FLICKR

Hsing Wei/FLICKR

October 10, 2014 – Jake’s story: Abuse, addiction, and love with a sociopath

BETHESDA, Maryland, October 10, 2014 — Jake* is a survivor of drug addiction and sociopath abuse living and recovering in The United States.


My name is Jake and my story is not for the faint of heart (as with anyone who has been in a toxic relationship with a sociopath). My story involves addiction, therefore is painful to talk about, but in writing this story I believe I will find healing so I can move on with my life. If I can help even one person with my story, then all of this was worth it. Read more…

Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Silence the echoes of the sociopath’s love-bombing to find healthy self-love and self-worth

Example of a sociopath's love bombing. Just a bit desperate, right?

Example of a sociopath’s love bombing. Just a bit desperate, right?

During the early idolization phase of the toxic relationship and during any periods we attempted to leave the relationship, the sociopath graced us with amazing and ego-boosting compliments. And as easily as the sweet words flowed from the sociopath’s mouth, so, too, did the hatred. Yet, in our recovery and long after we escaped and/or were discarded, we prefer listening to the love musings in our remembering as opposed to the hate-filled attacks that followed.

Why? Why can’t we easily see and recognize the love bombing for what it was–manipulation tactics of a predator?

Call it our normal defense mechanism against self-hatred and self-loathing. We’d rather focus on the nice things people point out about ourselves rather than the mean things used to criticize and judge us. Facing criticism is uncomfortable and defeating. Besides, we just don’t have a desire to let go of all those pretty, flowery words that seduced our consciousness and catapulted us into ecstasy.

But we must let go, because this defense mechanism against self-hatred and self-loathing doesn’t work in the aftermath of sociopath abuse and instead, solidifies a deep sense self-hatred and self-loathing, crowding out any hope of finding healthy self-love and self-awareness.

Despite your preoccupation with allowing the sociopath’s professions of deep love and admiration for you to echo in your mind, you are not better than any of the sociopath’s exes or more beautiful or smarter or a better parent or a better lover or more caring or the one DESTINED to FINALLY fulfill the sociopath’s needs for love and affection.

If you’re holding on to ANY of these ego-driven, ego-feeding assumptions about yourself, let them go.

Holding on to these fantastical and materialistic self-identifiers that the sociopath used to control and manipulate your intuition and emotions inside the relationship, will continue controlling you outside the relationship.

By holding on to such false and unhealthy self-awareness, you will:

>>*Compare yourself to all of the sociopath’s new lovers or spouses. This constant comparison will make you wonder, “Is she better than me? Is she more loving, patient, kind and beautiful than me? How could she be better than me? She can’t be better than me.”

>>Leave yourself open to the sociopath’s future manipulations and lies when and if the sociopath reaches out in the future for more supply (because his current lover or spouse is “Oh, so frustrating!”).

>>Remain stuck in forever seeking the sociopath’s approval of every choice and action you take. You will find yourself asking yourself, “I wonder what the sociopath would think of me doing this? I’m sure the sociopath would/would not approve.”

>>Remain cut off from the qualities that do make you unique and special. And those qualities are:

1. Your failings AND your successes.
2. Your light AND your shadow self.
3. Your fears AND your courage.

We’re dichotomies. We are not one-sided like the sociopath had us believing. And both of our sides are equally beautiful and powerful and serve to complement the other.

So stop splitting yourself like the sociopath did. Your good deeds do not make you good anymore than your bad deeds make you bad. It’s how you process your “good” and “bad” deeds and grow your compassion for yourself and others that truly matters.

We must embrace and love all of our being in order to break free from any of the shame and blame our past missteps are causing us in the present.

We must own our missteps, but not punish ourselves for what we did in the past. We must not consume ourselves with self-hatred any longer.

To convince us we are bad, evil and imprudent was and remains the purpose of the sociopath’s mission.

Release yourself from the influence of the sociopath once-and-for-all, embrace your failings, let go of your ego and recognize that to be human, is to make mistakes so we learn and grow from them.

We must not allow the sociopath to define who we are in the aftermath. Good or bad. No pining away for the sociopath’s approval, which we will never receive and which leads to wallowing in self-loathing. If we continue to hold on to those empty, ego-boosting compliments as the basis of our self-worth, we risk destroying any hope for present and/or future peace, joy and comfort.

Namaste!
~Paula Carrasquillo, author of Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath

*The new target is not “The One” to save the sociopath either, because the sociopath can’t be saved. The new target is fighting to be “The One,” because the new target does not wish to be included in the laundry list of those from his past that the sociopath judges and demeans. The new target has been made to believe she is the exception the sociopath has waited for his whole life, because the sociopath is massaging her ego, just like the sociopath massaged yours, into believing she is better than you and all others. You know, those of us who weren’t and aren’t patient enough, loving enough, smart enough, caring enough, sane enough, worthy enough or good enough. The new target is desperate to remain on that pedestal not realizing she’s fighting to maintain that spot. And don’t judge the new target, because you were once just as oblivious and ignorant to the reality of the sociopath’s abuse and control, too. 🙂

Everything feeds our healing journey #sociopathabuse #recovery

Outside of educating ourselves about sociopath abuse and finding the proper support to guide us along our journey, another key ingredient to healing and recovery is nutrition.

When I use the word nutrition, I don’t just mean the food we eat. I’m referring to everything we subject our bodies and minds to from a holistic approach:

1. Food – Is it balancing me or causing me heartburn or indigestion?
2. Air – Am I actively breathing in fresh oxygen?
3. Water – Am I keeping my organs hydrated?
4. Sunshine – Am I remembering to get outside at least once each day?
5. Exercise/moving our bodies – Am I getting out of bed/off the couch like I should?
5. Friendships – Are they really my friends?
6. Co-worker relationships – Are they harming my job performance?
7. Career/job decisions – Is this the right job for me?
8. School/academics – Am I focused?
9. Books/Films – Are they depressing me or inspiring me?
10. News – Is it triggering me or motivating me?

Examining all of these areas in the aftermath of sociopath abuse is vital, because all of these things can affect how we feel about ourselves in any given moment.

As you embark on your weekend, consider these key ingredients and determine your areas of strength and those of weakness and see how they can complement each other.

For example, if you have a really great friend or group of friends, but your diet is dragging you down, consider organizing a healthy cooking demo with your friends or ask one of your friends who has a healthy diet if she/he will help you to improve your diet.

I learn so much everyday from the amazing and intelligent people I have met and welcomed into my life. If you would like to share a “recipe” that has helped you get healthy, please share!!

Namaste!
~Paula

Letting go of the unnatural shame in the aftermath of sociopath abuse

Sociopaths/Psychopaths/Narcissists are not mentally ill. They are not sick. On the contrary, these individuals are disordered. Disorders can’t be treated with therapy, medication, or other treatments. Sociopaths can’t be made non-disordered.

Sociopathy is a disorder, a condition, a state of being. To the sociopath, their state of being is natural–controlling others, manipulating every situation, pretending to be good and just, mirroring the behaviors of those they covet and want to become–these behaviors are their normal.

Their state of normal behavior is abnormal to the rest of us, the non-disordered. We do not seek or find pleasure and satisfaction in controlling others. We do not enjoy manipulating people to like us. We do not like being fake or insincere. We find grandiose gestures of importance in others repulsive. We are always questioning if we are being true to ourselves and if we are being fair to those we love. We are accountable.

Sociopaths are not accountable. Sociopaths do not care how they affect others as long as others do not question them. The sociopath abhors when we, the non-disordered, refuse to be controlled and manipulated and start asking questions like, “Why did you do that? It doesn’t seem right or natural.” When asked these questions, the sociopath’s disordered “balance” becomes imbalanced. When out-of-balance, the sociopath’s mask slips, he rages, he projects, he shames and blames. More importantly, when we start asking our questions, that’s when the sociopath immediately labels us mentally ill and sick. The sociopath’s default is to demean, minimize, and unfairly dismiss all of our questions instead of considering our criticism and looking within themselves for the answers.

(Perhaps sociopaths do peek at the answer inside of them and sharing the answer frightens the sociopath too much. The answer is so base and primordial. Sociopaths do not want that label! The answer to any questions is always, “Because I don’t care. That’s why I say and do those things.” Answering us in such a way would result in exactly what the sociopath fears the most: abandonment and excommunication.)

Remember this. Only a disordered person will have as their default the need to label you as sick or ill just for questioning and refusing to be oppressed.

Non-disordered and non-mentally ill people do not do that.

Instead, when our behavior is questioned, we immediately feel shame and engage our empathy to understand how we hurt someone, how we can fix it so we don’t hurt them again, and then, despite changing, continue to carry around the guilt and shame.

This is a deadly trait when in a relationship with a sociopath. We know this to be true, because we repeatedly adjusted and changed our behavior and personality to fit into the disordered world of the sociopath’s. The longer we stayed, the more we became and behaved like the sociopath and the more our shame grew and festered.

To undo this insidious assault on our natural state of being takes time and the strength to accept that we did what we did and behaved as we behaved while under the sociopath’s spell because we truly believed we were changing in order to please the one we loved. We truly believed we were somehow sick, ill, and disordered.

We weren’t. We aren’t. And we can undo the damage as long as we learn to let go of the shame and blame that keeps us from reaching our joy. Letting go of that unnatural shame and blame is necessary, but it’s a frightening prospect. Once we release it, however, we soon realize that the shame we were holding onto in relationship to the sociopath was misguided shame and blame, and our body, mind, and spirit are not and have never been served by holding onto it.

Let go of the misguided shame. Keep telling yourself it is misguided and is only holding you back and keeping you from experiencing true joy and true happiness.

Namaste!
~Paula

My book “Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath” featured in OM Yoga Magazine for July 2014

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My book, Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath, is featured in the July 2014 issue of the international OM Yoga & Lifestyle Magazine. My friend and fellow blogger, Andrea Clark is also featured for her work in the DV community.

This type of recognition and consideration is HUGE for victims and survivors. We’re real. What happened to us is real. And we are not broken.

Namaste! ~Paula

 

I’m going to be featured in OM Yoga Magazine!

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International, UK-based OM Yoga Magazine will feature my book (Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath), me and fellow survivor, blogger, and entrepreneur, Andrea Clark, in their upcoming edition.

As part of a larger story on the benefits of yoga and meditation for domestic violence victims and their children, our professional bios and contributions to issues of safety, DV/abuse recovery, and sociopath awareness will be highlighted.

To put an international spotlight on survivors of sociopath/pathological abuse is HUGE!! It’s huge for everyone from victims to those who offer assistance and support to survivors in recovery.

Please checkout Andrea’s blog, The Eternal Victim and her Safe Girl Security site.

Also, consider following OM Yoga Magazine or getting a subscription. Their mobile app is free!

Namaste!
~Paula

Becoming Numb to the Sociopath and Opening the Door to Survival

Open door to survival from sociopath abuse

Sociopaths repeatedly and effortlessly find loving and caring people.

Why and how do they do it?

First, Sociopaths need good people to camouflage their shittiness from the world. The more loving, giving, religious, charitable and/or respected their significant other, the more likely the sociopath will succeed in gaining his own reputation for being the same type of good person his significant other spent years establishing.

(Remember, sociopaths are the biggest and most successful cheaters on the planet! They can do it remorselessly and believe they deserve it and earned it honorably.)

Plus, the more people the sociopath’s significant other has surrounding her, the more protected the sociopath feels.

The delusional sociopath automatically considers his significant other’s friends his friends and will use them to cowardly hide behind while getting away with his insidious abuses.

(Think of churches, clubs, community service groups and even yoga studios and gyms where people come together to reach collective goals as a community or team.)

And sociopaths seem to have amazing radar for finding people like this, the absolute opposite of themselves.

Sociopaths hone in on and find the most empathic and forgiving individuals among us. They seek us out, because we serve as safe havens for the sociopath’s diabolical nature.

People who are natural nurturers. People who are good mothers or good fathers. People who take care of the emotional needs of friends and family. People who take on the burdens of the ones they love.

And people like this are not necessarily co-dependent.

Often times, people like this have gone their entire lives without falling prey to sociopaths. We have made friends, loved and lost and experienced the natural highs and lows of love and grief.

Victims of sociopaths aren’t relationship ignorant. We understand what healthy relationships should look like. We know love is about give and take. We also know that relationships take time, effort and work as the relationship grows and evolves.

Knowing this is one of the reasons many of us stuck around longer than we should. We held out hope that the sociopath understood love, too.

We thought the sociopath needed a little nudge and prodding in the right direction. We thought modeling patience and understanding is all the sociopath needed to awaken his sleeping compassion and empathy. So we practiced great patience with the sociopath . After all, we didn’t wish to seem cruel and unreasonable if we walked away abandoning the sociopath after just a few arguments and misunderstandings.

We gave the relationship, not necessarily the sociopath, many chances.

So, no, we were not all co-dependent. Entering the toxic relationship with the sociopath thrust us into behaving in ways characteristic of co-dependency.

We made excuses for the sociopath, and early in the relationship, we agreed with the sociopath when he claimed others didn’t like him because they were jealous of him.

This degree of co-dependency came from being with the sociopath too long. And we stayed too long because our nature dictated us to only look at the good despite the sociopath continuously pushing and destroying our boundaries, while simultaneously giving us empty apologies and false promises that he/she would change.

And because we are highly empathic and understand that love is patient, we gave the sociopath chance after chance to change his/her way of thinking about us. We held out hope that the sociopath’s demands and expectations of how we SHOULD love them would ease and align with reality.

(No one is perfect; we all make mistakes. Shaming and blaming and relentlessly pushing a person to the edge of sanity is not love.)

Unfortunately, the only thing that changed was our faith in ourselves. We interpreted the sociopath’s perpetual lack of understanding as our inability and failure to demonstrate our full capacity to love.

So we kept trying and prooving ourselves worthy. We gave the sociopath more and understanding than we had ever given to another human. Ever. And it still didn’t make a difference. The sociopath remained unchanged.

We exhausted ourselves to the point of losing sight of what real love looked like.

We lost our ability to overcome and mutually work through relationship issues and road blocks. We questioned our ability to love, care and forgive, because the sociopath relentlessly diminished us for reacting emotionally and normally to his hatefulness.

If the sociopath had his way, we would have simply submitted and allowed him to think and act just as he wished to think and act, regardless of the harm and abuse he inflicted.

The irony of the sociopath’s wish for us to stop reacting so emotionally lies in the simple fact that he coveted us in the beginning because we ARE so emotional and caring. If we had been void of emotions, we never would have attracted the sociopath into our lives in the first place.

So the more the sociopath demanded that we become like him and learn to relax and let things roll off our backs, the more we attempted to do that.

And what’s the first thing we started relaxing about? Yup. You guessed it. We started reacting less and less to the sociopath’s negative criticisms of us, and we submitted less and less to the sociopath’s whims.

And when we did this, the rage became even greater. Initially, this caused us great confusion:

“You asked me to stop caring so much, remember? You asked me to stop stressing and being so emotional. So I am trying.”

But we learned quickly that the sociopath is not only hateful, but he is also the biggest hypocrite we’ll ever encounter.

For the sociopath to remain happy and without rage, we must remain detached from our emotions unless those emotions somehow benefit the sociopath.

We must laugh, cry and get frustrated only when the sociopath deems those emotions necessary and just. All other emotions we feel are judged and vilified by the sociopath.

You see, any emotions or reactions we have must be born of the sociopath and only according to his will. The sociopath thrives on our emotional reactions to him. The sociopath feeds on the drama our emotions generate. So if we no longer reacted to him emotionally, he no longer received the drama he thrived; he lost his life source in us!

(The same principles that guide a schoolyard bully’s behaviors.)

In the sociopath’s delusional attempts to force us to become numb to all things that normally illicit emotional reactions in us, we also became numb to the sociopath and his manipulations.

The numbness overtook us one day, more than likely in the middle of one of the sociopath’s rages.

(What an insult to the sociopath’s nature!! How dare we become numb to him?!?!?)

Instead of fighting or running away like we had done so many times in the past, we sat emotionless and quietly “took it” instead.

Becoming numb is essentially the “freeze” mode of our “fight/flight/freeze” response to threatening situations. In our numbness, we fully rejected the drama that drove the sociopath’s behavior and abuses against us.

We didn’t realize it in the moment, but our ability to go numb was a beautifully disguised clue that we could survive without the sociopath’s approval and acceptance. We CAN detach. But we were too numb to understand this fact as it was happening.

Do you remember when you first became numb? It is not a sign of heartlessness. It’s a sign of strength and your ability to self-protect.

Our last resort is becoming numb and detached. It doesn’t feel good or natural to us. That’s why we question it.

But we realize, eventually, that becoming numb is not a heartless act. We finally learn what being heartless really is:

Heartless is cheating and manipulation.

Heartless is behaving and responding to those you claim to love without empathy, compassion or a conscience.

Heartless is driving another to detach from all others except oneself.

Heartless is the sociopath you escaped.

Namaste!
~Paula

(image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/185421709627994995/)

© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications.

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