Survivor stories 25, 26, 27 and 28: Zoe, Alice, Beverly and Christina #SeeDV #abuse

sparkles

October 25, 2014 – Zoe’s story: “The relationship absorbed me; I was hypnotised by it.”*

October 26, 2014- Alice’s story: Leave abuse; it is not worth the anguish and loss of yourself

October 27, 2014 – Beverly’s story: Lies, manipulation and emotional abuse

October 28, 2014 – Christina’s story: Building up after being broken down by abuse


Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Survivor stories 18, 19 and 20 – Rachel, Sofia and Teresa #DVawareness @commdiginews

sociopath_Gary_Small_Quote


October 18, 2014 – Rachel’s story: Betrayal, abuse at the hands of a narcissist*

October 19, 2014 – Sofia’s advice on domestic violence: “Take off the blindfold. Knowledge is power.”

October 19, 2014 – Teresa’s story: He was a sociopath, not a good guy with a few bad demons


Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Ellen’s story: “I was always afraid he would rape me, hit me and be even crueler.”

burma

October 5, 2014 – Ellen’s story: “I was always afraid he would rape me, hit me and be even crueler.”

BETHESDA, Maryland, October 5, 2014 — Ellen* is a survivor of intimate partner and sociopath abuse who lives and is studying to become a doctor in the United States.


Before I met my boyfriend, I was living in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I was a smart, funny, outgoing and independent girl. I had a car and registered for college. I was working and paying for myself. I had had a few instances of drug and alcohol problems and was actively keeping myself out of trouble.

Just before I met him, my grandmother slipped into a coma from diabetes. I was locked out of my house by a controlling aunt. I found myself needing to live with my mother, who suffered from schizophrenia. Read more…


Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Silence the echoes of the sociopath’s love-bombing to find healthy self-love and self-worth

Example of a sociopath's love bombing. Just a bit desperate, right?

Example of a sociopath’s love bombing. Just a bit desperate, right?

During the early idolization phase of the toxic relationship and during any periods we attempted to leave the relationship, the sociopath graced us with amazing and ego-boosting compliments. And as easily as the sweet words flowed from the sociopath’s mouth, so, too, did the hatred. Yet, in our recovery and long after we escaped and/or were discarded, we prefer listening to the love musings in our remembering as opposed to the hate-filled attacks that followed.

Why? Why can’t we easily see and recognize the love bombing for what it was–manipulation tactics of a predator?

Call it our normal defense mechanism against self-hatred and self-loathing. We’d rather focus on the nice things people point out about ourselves rather than the mean things used to criticize and judge us. Facing criticism is uncomfortable and defeating. Besides, we just don’t have a desire to let go of all those pretty, flowery words that seduced our consciousness and catapulted us into ecstasy.

But we must let go, because this defense mechanism against self-hatred and self-loathing doesn’t work in the aftermath of sociopath abuse and instead, solidifies a deep sense self-hatred and self-loathing, crowding out any hope of finding healthy self-love and self-awareness.

Despite your preoccupation with allowing the sociopath’s professions of deep love and admiration for you to echo in your mind, you are not better than any of the sociopath’s exes or more beautiful or smarter or a better parent or a better lover or more caring or the one DESTINED to FINALLY fulfill the sociopath’s needs for love and affection.

If you’re holding on to ANY of these ego-driven, ego-feeding assumptions about yourself, let them go.

Holding on to these fantastical and materialistic self-identifiers that the sociopath used to control and manipulate your intuition and emotions inside the relationship, will continue controlling you outside the relationship.

By holding on to such false and unhealthy self-awareness, you will:

>>*Compare yourself to all of the sociopath’s new lovers or spouses. This constant comparison will make you wonder, “Is she better than me? Is she more loving, patient, kind and beautiful than me? How could she be better than me? She can’t be better than me.”

>>Leave yourself open to the sociopath’s future manipulations and lies when and if the sociopath reaches out in the future for more supply (because his current lover or spouse is “Oh, so frustrating!”).

>>Remain stuck in forever seeking the sociopath’s approval of every choice and action you take. You will find yourself asking yourself, “I wonder what the sociopath would think of me doing this? I’m sure the sociopath would/would not approve.”

>>Remain cut off from the qualities that do make you unique and special. And those qualities are:

1. Your failings AND your successes.
2. Your light AND your shadow self.
3. Your fears AND your courage.

We’re dichotomies. We are not one-sided like the sociopath had us believing. And both of our sides are equally beautiful and powerful and serve to complement the other.

So stop splitting yourself like the sociopath did. Your good deeds do not make you good anymore than your bad deeds make you bad. It’s how you process your “good” and “bad” deeds and grow your compassion for yourself and others that truly matters.

We must embrace and love all of our being in order to break free from any of the shame and blame our past missteps are causing us in the present.

We must own our missteps, but not punish ourselves for what we did in the past. We must not consume ourselves with self-hatred any longer.

To convince us we are bad, evil and imprudent was and remains the purpose of the sociopath’s mission.

Release yourself from the influence of the sociopath once-and-for-all, embrace your failings, let go of your ego and recognize that to be human, is to make mistakes so we learn and grow from them.

We must not allow the sociopath to define who we are in the aftermath. Good or bad. No pining away for the sociopath’s approval, which we will never receive and which leads to wallowing in self-loathing. If we continue to hold on to those empty, ego-boosting compliments as the basis of our self-worth, we risk destroying any hope for present and/or future peace, joy and comfort.

Namaste!
~Paula Carrasquillo, author of Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath

*The new target is not “The One” to save the sociopath either, because the sociopath can’t be saved. The new target is fighting to be “The One,” because the new target does not wish to be included in the laundry list of those from his past that the sociopath judges and demeans. The new target has been made to believe she is the exception the sociopath has waited for his whole life, because the sociopath is massaging her ego, just like the sociopath massaged yours, into believing she is better than you and all others. You know, those of us who weren’t and aren’t patient enough, loving enough, smart enough, caring enough, sane enough, worthy enough or good enough. The new target is desperate to remain on that pedestal not realizing she’s fighting to maintain that spot. And don’t judge the new target, because you were once just as oblivious and ignorant to the reality of the sociopath’s abuse and control, too. 🙂

Sociopaths and their Milli Vanilli act

milli-vanilli
Sociopaths fail to understand that the rest of us don’t live from a place of just our eyes and ears. We aren’t material people at heart. Seeing and hearing something isn’t always believing. We expect inner substance from our relationships. We want people in our lives who have some type of core vibration that speaks and resonates with our core vibration.

They lip-synch their way through life, like that late 80’s duo Milli Vanilli. Remember them and how crushed and pathetic they were when the whole world discovered their ruse? It only took a single skip of the needle.

And like Milli Vanilli, Sociopaths create deafening cacophony in the end despite sounding and appearing so beautiful at first. They mimic and mouth words and body language they’ve heard and seen others use with success. Sociopaths believe that saying and acting from a robotic place that LOOKS like they are genuine will attract and keep genuine people in their lives.

But sociopaths are always discovered as the frauds they are. We see their mouths move and their bodies sway out of synch as the record skips. This results in a lot of coughing and spitting and physical rage from the sociopaths who are desperate to regain control of their performance.

And the record they seem to have on repeat ALWAYS skips a beat, because life and actions and people are never as predictable as sociopaths hope them to be.

Core vibrations can’t be faked or duplicated.

Namaste!
~Paula

(P.S. Despite the fact that I believe the two young men of Milli Vanilli were victims of the music industry, this is an analogy that fits.)

Letting go of the unnatural shame in the aftermath of sociopath abuse

Sociopaths/Psychopaths/Narcissists are not mentally ill. They are not sick. On the contrary, these individuals are disordered. Disorders can’t be treated with therapy, medication, or other treatments. Sociopaths can’t be made non-disordered.

Sociopathy is a disorder, a condition, a state of being. To the sociopath, their state of being is natural–controlling others, manipulating every situation, pretending to be good and just, mirroring the behaviors of those they covet and want to become–these behaviors are their normal.

Their state of normal behavior is abnormal to the rest of us, the non-disordered. We do not seek or find pleasure and satisfaction in controlling others. We do not enjoy manipulating people to like us. We do not like being fake or insincere. We find grandiose gestures of importance in others repulsive. We are always questioning if we are being true to ourselves and if we are being fair to those we love. We are accountable.

Sociopaths are not accountable. Sociopaths do not care how they affect others as long as others do not question them. The sociopath abhors when we, the non-disordered, refuse to be controlled and manipulated and start asking questions like, “Why did you do that? It doesn’t seem right or natural.” When asked these questions, the sociopath’s disordered “balance” becomes imbalanced. When out-of-balance, the sociopath’s mask slips, he rages, he projects, he shames and blames. More importantly, when we start asking our questions, that’s when the sociopath immediately labels us mentally ill and sick. The sociopath’s default is to demean, minimize, and unfairly dismiss all of our questions instead of considering our criticism and looking within themselves for the answers.

(Perhaps sociopaths do peek at the answer inside of them and sharing the answer frightens the sociopath too much. The answer is so base and primordial. Sociopaths do not want that label! The answer to any questions is always, “Because I don’t care. That’s why I say and do those things.” Answering us in such a way would result in exactly what the sociopath fears the most: abandonment and excommunication.)

Remember this. Only a disordered person will have as their default the need to label you as sick or ill just for questioning and refusing to be oppressed.

Non-disordered and non-mentally ill people do not do that.

Instead, when our behavior is questioned, we immediately feel shame and engage our empathy to understand how we hurt someone, how we can fix it so we don’t hurt them again, and then, despite changing, continue to carry around the guilt and shame.

This is a deadly trait when in a relationship with a sociopath. We know this to be true, because we repeatedly adjusted and changed our behavior and personality to fit into the disordered world of the sociopath’s. The longer we stayed, the more we became and behaved like the sociopath and the more our shame grew and festered.

To undo this insidious assault on our natural state of being takes time and the strength to accept that we did what we did and behaved as we behaved while under the sociopath’s spell because we truly believed we were changing in order to please the one we loved. We truly believed we were somehow sick, ill, and disordered.

We weren’t. We aren’t. And we can undo the damage as long as we learn to let go of the shame and blame that keeps us from reaching our joy. Letting go of that unnatural shame and blame is necessary, but it’s a frightening prospect. Once we release it, however, we soon realize that the shame we were holding onto in relationship to the sociopath was misguided shame and blame, and our body, mind, and spirit are not and have never been served by holding onto it.

Let go of the misguided shame. Keep telling yourself it is misguided and is only holding you back and keeping you from experiencing true joy and true happiness.

Namaste!
~Paula

Silence the Sociopath – The World DESPERATELY Needs Your Passion

In the aftermath of sociopath abuse, you might sense that you continue to shy away from your passion. You might even be ashamed of your intensity.

This is normal, because after being demeaned and minimized by the sociopath for so long, we tend to be afraid of our own success and joy.

Why?

We keep hearing the words of the sociopath echoing in our heads:

“You really don’t think you can succeed at that, do you?”

“Others know more about that than you do.”

“You think you’re so smart, huh?”

“Wow, you think a little too highly of yourself, don’t you think?”

“You’ll give up.”

“That idea won’t get you very far. You should focus your time in something more practical.”

Repeatedly!! With every thought, idea, or endeavor you shared with the sociopath, the sociopath knocked you down. Being knocked down was expected and you soon stopped being creative and innovative.

You ceased to be alive!

But you’re living now. It’s time you start to deprogram yourself completely from the sociopath’s influence, because that piece of garbage is no longer standing next to you whispering defeating comments into your ear. He/she is no longer trying to sabotage your efforts with your family or your friends. That sociopath is no longer real…remember?

Beginning today, write down those passions. Share them with someone you love. Imagine your ideas coming to fruition…all by yourself!

You CAN do it. Whatever it is. You CAN stand alone if you have to for a bit. You do not need 100% acceptance and understanding from anyone but yourself.

When we start living again, some of the people in our lives who are more accustomed to us being reserved and reliant on them for support might react negatively to our sudden independence at first.

Don’t let that worry you. Simply explain to these people that you’re perfectly sane, you’re not delusional, you’re awake, and you’re more awake than you’ve been in a very long time.

The people who love you will be relieved and will celebrate with you. The people who never really gave a shit about you, outside of controlling you, will be uncomfortable with your new found freedom and will retreat. You may never see or talk to some of those people again.

That’s okay.

The emerging and refreshed you doesn’t have time to continuously explain yourself to those who aren’t interested in getting it.

Keep your light shining brightly. No more self-defeating thoughts. Replace all of the crappy things the sociopath projected your way with inspirational and mindful encouragement.

Encouragement. Simple, real, genuine encouragement unhindered by strings, expectations, or obligations.

Don’t fear being a little excited and eccentric. That excitement and eccentricity is exactly what our world needs today. ❤

Namaste!
~Paula

“What the heck does she mean by MINDFUL, anyhow?”

I am in the middle of writing “Embracing Your Light: Mindful Healing and Recovery from Sociopath Abuse” and am defining the idea of mindfulness in hopes of dispelling any misinformation, prejudices, or negative connotations, so you’re not asking, “What in the heck does she mean by mindful, anyhow!?”

Below is mindfulness to me:

Mindfulness doesn’t mean you have to do yoga or meditate or eat tree bark.

Mindfulness simply means you live your life fully aware of yourself, your surroundings, and how you and your surroundings affect and impact each other.

Mindfulness is compassion for yourself and all living things surrounding you.

Mindfulness is not prescribing to any particular religion or faith. The faith required to be mindful is a faith in oneself.

Mindfulness is a state of being and knowing, knowing you are perfect in your imperfections. Mindfulness is accepting your imperfections and understanding that they are not permanent and do not define you.

Mindfulness is knowing that life is in a constant state of change and flux and that you are part of that change and flux.

You are who you are today. Tomorrow, you will be who you are tomorrow.

Accepting this and being patient in knowing is mindfulness.

Namaste!
~Paula

%d bloggers like this: