shadows, psychopath, sociopath, awareness, dating a sociopath, divorcing a narcissist, Paula Carrasquillo, Paula Renee Carrasquillo, Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

Emerging from the Shadows of the Sociopath

shadowsOnce, I met a boy. He was sweet and caring and fell in love with me, and I with him.

But something happened, something unexpected and unexplainable. I don’t know exactly what happened, when it happened or why it happened. Whatever it was, it sent this boy into a very dark place.

For a time, I accompanied him in that dark place, but not because I wanted to be there. I had an obligation to him and myself, I thought. I had no idea how we got there in the first place. Things happened so fast. I don’t recall entering willfully, but I must have. All I knew for certain was that I didn’t like or enjoy the dark.

For too long it seemed, I endured the darkness and its shadows and fought daily to get us both out of there. But each time I tried to pull us into the light, the boy dragged us deeper into the darkness. The deeper we got, the less light I could see. We got so deep, I forgot what the light looked like and how it felt.

I was resigned to the darkness. I found myself as empty and as hollow as the dark place I desperately wanted to leave. I became a shadow of my former self.

But one night, I had a dream about the light. I felt its warmth and glow and joy. I missed the light so much. I hadn’t felt those things in so long. I needed those things and knew I would die if I didn’t escape the darkness. I didn’t want to die.

So I started climbing out of the darkness, first with small steps. But the boy kept pulling me back. He held tightly to my heels for awhile. But I refused to give up. I kicked long and hard until he finally let go.

Even without him holding on to me physically, I struggled. I had to take larger steps, and I soon found myself clawing and scratching my way to the surface. There were so many times I wanted to give up. My arms grew tired, my back ached, my memory kept going back to the boy I loved. I’d slip in these moments; my focus was compromised. Days and weeks and sometimes months of progress were lost with each little slip. But I kept remembering that dream and how warm and joyful the light was.

I kept moving forward, closer to the light and never looking back. Once the warm glow of the light hit me, my thoughts returned to the boy still in that dark place. I wanted desperately to share the joy I was feeling with him.

But my efforts were in vain.

My voice just echoed and bounced around the darkness driving the boy mad and just confusing him more as to why I chose to leave him behind. The darkness had eroded any inkling of the light inside the boy. He saw me perched above with the light shining on my back as just a shadow, dark and distant. To the boy, I appeared no better than the darkness in which he lived.

So in the end, the boy chose the darkness and its dancing shadows. I accepted his choice and eventually realized that no words, deeds or wishes would have convinced the boy that the wasted life he was living was unnecessary. He chose to hide behind false pride, ego and selfishness. He was a shadow and lacked the necessary trust to follow me and eventually join me as equals in the light.

And the final release, the ripping apart of the last heart string that connected me to him, was bittersweet but much more sweet than bitter, because it’s so lovely in the light.

Never underestimate the power of the darkness and the consuming shadows it casts.

Life is in the light. Death is in the darkness. You have a choice.

~ Paula

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diamonds under a dark mask

There is No Light Beneath the Sociopath’s Darkness, But You’re Another Story

diamonds under a dark maskUnlike sociopaths, we non-sociopaths are complete.

We have a light and a dark side. Sociopaths are just dark; they can’t absorb the light.

When I was in the relationship with the sociopath, I started watching the HBO series True Blood. Soon after starting, I stopped. (Or maybe the sociopath made me stop. I can’t remember to be honest.)

Recently, I started watching it again, beginning with episodes from where I left off.

As I watched episode after episode, I kept thinking, “The writers MUST know about sociopaths and psychopaths. Surely, this is a metaphor for what they believe is the truth of this world.”

If you aren’t aware of the show’s premise, here it is in a nutshell:

The world of humans learns that vampires, those blood-sucking beasts of legend and myth who don’t eat food but only human blood for survival, REALLY do exist.

In order for humans and vampires to co-exist, the vampires have the humans convinced that the vampires are not interested in feeding on human blood but can survive, and are happy surviving, on synthetic blood called Tru Blood, manufactured and bottled JUST for vampire consumption.

Tru Blood is the biggest LIE the vampires tell in order to keep humans ignorant and delusional about the truth. The truth is that vampires hate Tru Blood and continue feeding off of the blood of humans secretly and with great success.

Sound familiar?

Sociopaths/psychopaths/narcissists…whatever you want to call them…are soul suckers who lie with impunity and try convincing the humans in this world that they are just like us and deserve respect just like us. We should pity them and feel sorry for their lot in life.

And we buy the lies!

We let our guards down and seek to nurture and protect them and save them from themselves, we become their willing victims.

Willing you ask? Yes, willing.

We see them for what they are, maybe not immediately, but pretty soon we begin to see the cracks in their masks, and we STILL willingly live side-by-side with them giving them the benefit of the doubt. We assume they have a conscience, and we project our ability to empathize onto them, not realizing we are creating a deeper and darker pit for ourselves to one day crawl out of.

Why do we do this for so long?

Part of the problem is that sociopaths project their ugliness back at us at the same time we project our light onto them. We absorb the darkness; they reflect the light. Meaning, the darkness becomes a part of us that we try to understand; they never absorb the light. It blinds them just like the sun blinds and burns and ultimately destroys vampires of myth and legend.

We can live in the dark; they can not live in the light. They can turn us into them; we can’t turn them into us.

I realize this may sound hokey, but it’s the best metaphor for what actually happens when we become the willing victims of the vampiric sociopaths in our midst. (And whoever created the original metaphor, must have lived it, don’t you think? After all, we write and create what we know. Stuff doesn’t get created from thin air.)

Because we have both light and dark inside of us and understand the power of both, we can battle to rid ourselves of the darkness sociopaths impose on us just by capturing and embracing our light. Our light can overpower their darkness and help us uncover our own darkness. That’s what makes us so much more powerful than any sociopath/vampire. Simply by un-inviting them out of our lives, we begin to free ourselves of that darkness.

The rest is completely up to us.

So step away from these dark souls, as far away as possible, and start purging your soul and spirit of the darkness that is keeping you from living to your full potential.

Don’t be afraid of your darkness; there are diamonds under there.


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