When the victim becomes the tyrant #abuse #recovery

Abusers wear away our self-confidence, self-respect, self-trust and self-worth. But abusers aren’t easy to spot in the beginning, because they don’t act like abusive tyrants on the “first date”. Instead, abusers attract us initially with compliments and kudos mixed with a dose of self-loathing.

“You’re so good at that!!! I’d love to be as good at that as you are. And you’re so beautiful when you do it. I wish I were beautiful.”

For people with compassion, we’re flattered while we simultaneously believe we can help the abuser gain their own recipe for self-confidence and self-love. The moment we get the “itch to fix”, we’re hooked and the cycle of abuse begins. Soon, the very things the abuser praised us for being and doing, become the very things the abuser uses to condemn us.

“How dare you think you’re so smart? How dare you think you’re better at that than I am? How dare you think you’re so perfect and beautiful? You are so self-righteous! You need help!”

We’re left scratching our heads, apologizing profusely, asking how we can make it right, promise not to carelessly harm the abuser again and vow to work harder to be a better person.

Do you see what happens when we make the choice to feed into the abuser’s attacks? We forget, dismiss and down play our humanity. We judge ourselves and absorb all responsibility for how we made the abuser feel. We end up abusing ourselves from the inside out when we permit another human being to shit on us for being us. So not only are we getting pummeled from the outside by the abusers, we’re getting pummeled even harder from the inside by ourselves.

It’s not easy to break the abuse cycle or walk away from abusive relationships. But many of us have left and remain immersed in the inner cycle of abuse, which keeps us hyper-over reactive in all relationships. We lose people. We lose jobs. We lose trust. And it’s all because we’re unable to see that the abusive tyrant is now living inside of us.

Our inner tyrant is resentful. Our inner tyrant is suspicious and trusts no one. Our inner tyrant moves from a place of fear and not from a place of heart-centered self-love. Soon, our inner tyrant becomes an outer tyrant and lashes out and ambushes people with the same words our abusers once used to tear down our self-confidence and self-trust.

The victim has now become the tyrant creating new victims.

How do we stop this insane cycle of abuse? How do we stop resenting people and stop projecting our inner tyrant onto them accusing them of being the tyrant? The process isn’t any easy one, but there are a few conscious steps you can start taking today:

1. Recognize that you’re doing this and choose not to be ashamed about it. Hurt people hurt people, but you have the power to break the cycle.
2. Let go of thinking you have to be right or that you must have all the answers now in order to feel or be perceived as worthy. No one knows everything; we’re all a work in progress.
3. Shift your mind away from fear and toward love every time you sense hate, criticism or anger bubbling to the surface.

None of us wants to harm anyone. None of us wants to be abusive. But we can’t pretend we’re doing the best we can if we’re leaving people scratching their heads and wondering how they hurt us when it was our inner tyrant doing the harm all along.

Let go of the inner tyrant, so you can say hello to abundant inner and outer love.

Paula Carrasquillo, MA, RYT-200
yoga teacher and health coach
www.paulacarrasquillo.com 

Work with me! If you’re interested in learning powerful tools and techniques to transform your body, mind and spirit and open new pathways to healing and reaching your highest potential self, contact me to learn about the programs and services I offer.

• Disclaimer – The content of this website is provided for general informational purposes only and is not intended as, nor should it be considered a substitute for, professional medical advice. Do not use the information on this website for diagnosing or treating any medical health condition. If you have or suspect you have a medical health problem, promptly contact your professional healthcare provider.​

Just say “No!” to sociopath oppression and possession

“Have patience. Wait until the mud settles and the water is clear. Remain unmoving until right action arises by itself.” ~ Lao-tzu

The sociopaths we escaped were jealous of us. It’s that simple. They saw our strengths and knew we were stronger, which is why they made every attempt to demean and devalue us with words, suggestions and actions. Misery loves company, after all.

They hated us for liking ourselves and wanted to warp our healthy levels of self-love and self-respect into something ugly, grotesque and sinful.

They wanted to convince us that we were narcissistic and selfish. (Ironic, huh?)

So whenever we demonstrated self-respect by saying “no” to them and trying to maintain our boundaries, they’d degrade us, bring us down and convince us we weren’t as great as we thought we were. (Which is sad, because we simply had a healthy degree of self-worth that SEEMED inflated compared to their total lack of self-worth and self-respect.)

They wanted to convince us of what they wanted us to believe was true: that we were no better than them and that we needed them to learn humility and grace.

Pfft!

You can’t learn humility and grace from people who only understand possession and oppression. We are not in need of them. They are not people we want to aspire to be like. And there is no shame in believing you are amazing and have the right to your feelings, beliefs and personal interpretations of your experiences and ideas.

We don’t have to continue apologizing for being “normal” and healthy, a place too few are allowed to reach thanks to the sociopaths in their lives whispering to them repeatedly, “You really shouldn’t think so highly of yourself. It’s tasteless!”

The goal of a sociopath is to find the ultimate victim, someone who will take those whisperings to heart and permit those whisperings to lower their personal standards. Only a person who remains completely lost and oblivious to what the sociopath is doing can remain a victim whom the sociopath can get away with oppressing and possessing their entire life.

Be thrilled you escaped. No matter how long it took, you awakened to your power. Seize it and never forget it’s there and has always been there.

Namaste!
Paula Carrasquillo

This post was selected for The Great Sociopathic Abuse and Recovery Blog Tour organized by Joyce M. Short, author Carnal Abuse by Deceit.

(image by JD Marston)

Take Back the Love the Sociopath Stole from You

Sociopaths have zero sense of identity, which is why they target individuals with strong beliefs, values and a moral compass, all of which sociopaths steal and wear as their own.

Keeping this in mind, it’s easy to see that when you fell in love with the sociopath, what you really fell in love with were your best qualities mirrored and reflected back at you.

So the love you thought you lost and wasted on the sociopath is still inside of you. You just need to redirect it back to yourself, the original and intended recipient.

Take back the love the sociopath stole and hoarded as his/her own. It was never meant for the sociopath in the first place. It was always meant for you.

Namaste!
Paula Carrasquillo
yogi. author. advocate.

Silence the echoes of the sociopath’s love-bombing to find healthy self-love and self-worth

Example of a sociopath’s love bombing. Just a bit desperate, right?

During the early idolization phase of the toxic relationship and during any periods we attempted to leave the relationship, the sociopath graced us with amazing and ego-boosting compliments. And as easily as the sweet words flowed from the sociopath’s mouth, so, too, did the hatred. Yet, in our recovery and long after we escaped and/or were discarded, we prefer listening to the love musings in our remembering as opposed to the hate-filled attacks that followed.

Why? Why can’t we easily see and recognize the love bombing for what it was–manipulation tactics of a predator?

Call it our normal defense mechanism against self-hatred and self-loathing. We’d rather focus on the nice things people point out about ourselves rather than the mean things used to criticize and judge us. Facing criticism is uncomfortable and defeating. Besides, we just don’t have a desire to let go of all those pretty, flowery words that seduced our consciousness and catapulted us into ecstasy.

But we must let go, because this defense mechanism against self-hatred and self-loathing doesn’t work in the aftermath of sociopath abuse and instead, solidifies a deep sense self-hatred and self-loathing, crowding out any hope of finding healthy self-love and self-awareness.

Despite your preoccupation with allowing the sociopath’s professions of deep love and admiration for you to echo in your mind, you are not better than any of the sociopath’s exes or more beautiful or smarter or a better parent or a better lover or more caring or the one DESTINED to FINALLY fulfill the sociopath’s needs for love and affection.

If you’re holding on to ANY of these ego-driven, ego-feeding assumptions about yourself, let them go.

Holding on to these fantastical and materialistic self-identifiers that the sociopath used to control and manipulate your intuition and emotions inside the relationship, will continue controlling you outside the relationship.

By holding on to such false and unhealthy self-awareness, you will:

>>*Compare yourself to all of the sociopath’s new lovers or spouses. This constant comparison will make you wonder, “Is she better than me? Is she more loving, patient, kind and beautiful than me? How could she be better than me? She can’t be better than me.”

>>Leave yourself open to the sociopath’s future manipulations and lies when and if the sociopath reaches out in the future for more supply (because his current lover or spouse is “Oh, so frustrating!”).

>>Remain stuck in forever seeking the sociopath’s approval of every choice and action you take. You will find yourself asking yourself, “I wonder what the sociopath would think of me doing this? I’m sure the sociopath would/would not approve.”

>>Remain cut off from the qualities that do make you unique and special. And those qualities are:

1. Your failings AND your successes.
2. Your light AND your shadow self.
3. Your fears AND your courage.

We’re dichotomies. We are not one-sided like the sociopath had us believing. And both of our sides are equally beautiful and powerful and serve to complement the other.

So stop splitting yourself like the sociopath did. Your good deeds do not make you good anymore than your bad deeds make you bad. It’s how you process your “good” and “bad” deeds and grow your compassion for yourself and others that truly matters.

We must embrace and love all of our being in order to break free from any of the shame and blame our past missteps are causing us in the present.

We must own our missteps, but not punish ourselves for what we did in the past. We must not consume ourselves with self-hatred any longer.

To convince us we are bad, evil and imprudent was and remains the purpose of the sociopath’s mission.

Release yourself from the influence of the sociopath once-and-for-all, embrace your failings, let go of your ego and recognize that to be human, is to make mistakes so we learn and grow from them.

We must not allow the sociopath to define who we are in the aftermath. Good or bad. No pining away for the sociopath’s approval, which we will never receive and which leads to wallowing in self-loathing. If we continue to hold on to those empty, ego-boosting compliments as the basis of our self-worth, we risk destroying any hope for present and/or future peace, joy and comfort.

Namaste!
~Paula Carrasquillo, author of Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath

*The new target is not “The One” to save the sociopath either, because the sociopath can’t be saved. The new target is fighting to be “The One,” because the new target does not wish to be included in the laundry list of those from his past that the sociopath judges and demeans. The new target has been made to believe she is the exception the sociopath has waited for his whole life, because the sociopath is massaging her ego, just like the sociopath massaged yours, into believing she is better than you and all others. You know, those of us who weren’t and aren’t patient enough, loving enough, smart enough, caring enough, sane enough, worthy enough or good enough. The new target is desperate to remain on that pedestal not realizing she’s fighting to maintain that spot. And don’t judge the new target, because you were once just as oblivious and ignorant to the reality of the sociopath’s abuse and control, too. 🙂

A pledge to yourself

Make a pledge to yourself:

“I Pledge that I will remain open to my healing and recovery process and that I won’t give up on myself no matter how often that voice inside my head tries to talk me into giving up.”

“I Pledge that I will remain faithful in my abilities to overcome any feelings of hopelessness and sadness and that I will reach out to a friend or loved one when I become overwhelmed.”

“I Pledge that I will celebrate my successes and never devalue or minimize my accomplishments and be confident and willing to give of myself only when it’s healthy to do so.”

“I Pledge that I will honor my life and my spirit and the lives and spirits of others who are walking beside me on this journey.”

Namaste!
~Paula

Practice healthy selfishness and pride despite what the Sociopath thinks of the matter

One of the hardest things for empathic people to balance is our need to care for ourselves while also caring for the needs of others.

We worry so much about the happiness of others that we often cause ourselves undue stress and anxiety worrying that we haven’t done the best we can to make our loved ones happy.

While in the relationship with the sociopath, it seemed like we never did the best we should have done. Our biggest fear of failing to make sure our loved ones were happy was manifested every day.

Regardless of our planning and our efforts to please the sociopath, there was always a detail we missed. Missing those minor details (like signing off a text or email with “Love” instead of “I love you”) gave the sociopath fodder to call us all sorts of horrific names and to deem us unworthy of love.

(Seriously! For pity sake!! Do you see the absurdity and stupidity that you were sucked into accepting all because of some immature piece of trash?)

I love to love and help people. I love seeing the underdog win and the champion keep winning. I love to see people succeed, and I love to smile with them at their accomplishments.

Unfortunately, I was made aware, by the sociopath, that smiling at my own accomplishments is selfish and a hateful act.

(How ironic to be told by a sociopath that I’m selfish and hateful if I show or feel pride in myself.)

Sociopaths try and often succeed in convincing us we should be ashamed for being prideful. Sociopaths will tell you you’re tasteless and selfish for being so vain in your actions.

(Again, how damn ironic!!)

How often were you excited about a personal success or breakthrough only to be “brought back to earth” by the sociopath?

And how often were you chastised for not making a bigger deal about something the sociopath accomplished?

(I use the word “accomplished” very lightly in relation to all things sociopathic. Sociopaths succeed in destroying, not building.)

What if I told you that you should never feel ashamed about being proud of yourself? You should also stop feel guilty for failing to praise the sociopath on-demand.

You know what I’m talking about, right? All those instances when the sociopath would excitedly tell you some fantastic tale about something he was proud he did, but you interpreted it as something not at all praise-worthy, and the sociopath chastised you for having such a reaction?

(Raged upon you is more like it.)

Even though the sociopath’s rage was intended to shame you (and you WERE ashamed) for being so inconsiderate to his needs, please know today, in this moment now, that you were justified for not applauding his behavior. You were right not to high-five the asshole when he demanded your high-five.

Being an accomplished asshole is not deserving of a high-five. Let’s be real and stop revering the unworthy. Let’s stop being apathetic. There are too many Emperor’s wearing “new clothes” in need of being forced out of their delusions. If not forced out of their delusions, at least pushed out of our lives.

How do we do that?

I believe we start by valuing ourselves and our skills and abilities.

Sociopaths are attracted to shiny and pretty things. We’re shiny and pretty, but we don’t give ourselves enough credit.

We need to start. Now. This minute.

When we value our skills and talents, we end up naturally valuing the skills and talents of others. Self-defeating behaviors end, and we stop the unhealthy practice of envying others and comparing ourselves to others.

(That’s what sociopaths do: envy and compare. We want nothing to do with any kind of activity in which sociopaths participate, right?!?!)

Instead, if we truly value ourselves, we automatically value others and their skills. Competition ceases to exist.

We naturally begin gravitating more and more toward more and more people with healthy egos who are also interested in bettering their lives and the lives of those surrounding them.

(Just think about the wonderful people you’ve met through pages and blogs like this just because you let go of some of your self-defeating behavior and took a chance that someone would understand you and value what you had to share? It’s really simple to be ourselves once we accept ourselves.)

Once surrounded by other creative and good-hearted individuals, an impenetrable force of trust, honesty and respect manifests. This force is a natural deterrent to sociopaths and sociopathic behaviors and thinking.

Practice valuing yourself and your natural gifts. Be selfish to protect those gifts from overly selfish and greedy people. Share sparingly, building greater and greater trust, understanding and respect.

Nothing happens overnight. There are no quick solutions or fixes. Regardless of what the sociopath might say to try steering you away from your path, practice patience with yourself and those who have proven themselves worthy.

You matter, and the people who matter to you know you matter and will fall in love with your independent spirit sprinkled with just the right balance of selfishness, pride and love of life.

Above all, remain aware of how your decisions and actions affect others. Not everyone is going to be happy and agreeable all of the time. We aren’t always going to make the very best choices.

But if we remember to check ourselves against how we don’t want to be (you know, sociopathic), the chances that we hurt another or ourselves greatly diminish.

We can be selfish and prideful and still be caring, empathic and selfless.

Namaste!
~Paula

© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications

Perspective – The upside to having lived in hell with a Sociopath

Before the sociopath, I always feared criticism. I tried so desperately to be perfect and not to offend people intentionally or otherwise.

(Of course, there were people who got under my skin that I didn’t like. I rarely held back letting those people know I disliked them.)

But I always worried about what my close family and friends and co-workers thought of me. I wanted to be seen as a good person in their eyes. I didn’t want to offend my loved ones. I wanted them to be proud of me.

When any of them criticised me, I would get easily hurt. When I got easily hurt, I would do one of two things: 1) become ashamed and run away or 2) get mad and runaway. Sometimes I became ashamed and mad.

I was not good at accepting healthy criticism from people who loved me. I hated the fact I would get upset with them for pointing out one of my personal failings.

I was never really angry with them, though. I was more angry with myself for having done something against them that would make them ashamed of me.

In walks the sociopath. Within a few months of the relationship starting, everything I did was shameful to him.

From past relationships and old friends I still valued to how I disciplined my son or neglected to discipline my son — these were all areas in which I was shamed by the sociopath.

Needless to say, I felt ashamed of myself the majority of my relationship with him. I felt like I was worthless and that I honestly needed to change everything about myself in order to be worthy of anyone’s love and attention, especially the sociopath’s.

Once I was finally out of the relationship and able to focus on my behavior outside of the sociopath, I recognized more clearly that, yes, I had some work to do, but not nearly as much work as the sociopath had me brainwashed into thinking.

The work I had to do involved letting go of being and trying to be so damn perfect for everyone else. Once I let go of that (which took me over 18 months from the time I left the sociopath), I could relax and not worry so much about what others thought of me.

And you know what? I have discovered that when I am not worried about screwing up, I don’t screw up as much!

When we go from one extreme to the next, we are able to add perspective to our lives and live more gently and carefully.

The sociopath was an EXTREME shamer and blamer. Absolutely nothing I did was or could ever be good enough. There was always shame and blame connected to my actions. EVERY action.

It didn’t matter if I drank too much or quit drinking all together, I would be shamed.

• If I drank, I was a poor excuse for a mother and not a good girlfriend.
• If I didn’t drink, I better think about why I was such a bad mother and poor girlfriend now that I was sober.
• If I exercised, I was doing it for someone else other than the sociopath.
• If I didn’t exercise, I was taking time away from my relationship with the sociopath.
• If I called my mother, I was a whining baby who couldn’t handle my own problems without mommy’s help.
• If I didn’t call my mother, I was avoiding my responsibilities.

(Where the fuck does a person go when stuck in this mess!?!)

The only place to go is outside of it. Otherwise, you remain stuck, miserable and always wondering why you are such a failure.

You are not a failure! You might not be perfect, but who is?

We each make bad choices and don’t always say the right thing in every situation. Sometimes we hurt people’s feelings without realizing it.

All we can do when these things happen is apologize and recognize that a mistake was made, fix it but move on.

If we allow ourselves to marinate in shame and blame, we never grow from the act or circumstance that caused the shame and blame.

And the only thing worse than self-blame and self-shame, is being subjected to the shame and blame of a pathological person like the sociopath.

You are human. Embrace your humanity. Be gentle with yourself even when you screw up, and good people will be gentle with you, too.

Namaste!

Related articles – Letting Go of Perfect. ~Paula Carrasquillo for Elephant Journal

Self-love, the Golden Rule, and the Triangulation Trap

One of the most annoying characteristics of my pathological relationship with the boy in my story was his repeated plea: “I NEED you to love me.”

The first time he said it I was annoyed and responded, “That’s sad, because I don’t NEED you to love me.”

I was ready to leave the relationship when he said this the first time. How pathetic must a person be to make such a ridiculous statement? But as his crocodile tears fell and his wails and cries overtook my senses, I was fooled into thinking that real love was about needing each other, and I should need him as much as he needed me. He proclaimed that I was heartless and cruel if I didn’t see it that way.

Being considered heartless and cruel was not how I wanted to leave the relationship. I was hell-bent on proving I was neither of those things. BIG MISTAKE!!! I should have been okay with his assessment of me, but I wasn’t okay with it. I had my own doubts and insecurities. My self-love was definitely not where it should have been, which allowed me to be so vulnerable to the boy’s abuse in the first place.

After escaping, it took me many months to re-build the self-love that was lost and to finally establish the extra self-love that had eluded me for so many years. I now have the confidence to accept and to be okay with the negative opinions others have of me.

Sometimes the negative reactions come from someone I love dearly (like my husband) who sometimes disagrees with something I have said or done. His words are accepted as constructive criticism, and I roll with it and change the way I express myself and communicate. We both do. Valuable and healthy relationships require work and natural give-and-take.

Other times I learn that the person who has reacted negatively and often OVER reacts negatively to things I say or do (like the wife of a friend) has always been fishing for reasons to lash out and point a shameful finger my way. Why? Because she didn’t want to build a friendship or relationship with me in the first place. She is sadly disordered and immature. Instead of engaging her, I choose to ignore her. Nothing I say or do will change her mind. I’m okay with that. I choose my battles, as they say.

In addition to learning how to be okay with what others think of me, my journey of healing and change has also taught me how to protect myself from future harm and to avoid harming others. I admit to inflicting harm upon the boy. I called him nasty names and yelled at him and avoided him. I even tossed a chair at him on one occasion. I behaved badly and regret my part and am accountable for it.

But there is no excuse for abuse even when it is reactionary. No one deserves to be called names even if they called us names first. No one deserves to be ignored even if they choose to ignore us first. No one deserves to be made to feel like trash even though they tossed us outside as if we were garbage ourselves.

We learn how we should treat others as early as grade school. It’s the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Unfortunately, I lost sight of this valuable lesson when I was thrust into a crazy-making relationship with the boy. Everyone loses sight of this lesson with abusers because no one is immune to the negative effects a relationship with a disordered and pathological person has on our spirits. There are no exceptions. We are all susceptible.

Fortunately, there is a way to never lose sight of this rule again: learn to recognize the warning signs of abusers BEFORE establishing a relationship.

Below is an example of a technique used by nearly every abuser in the early “get-to-know-you” period: Triangulation. (By no means is this the ONLY technique. It’s just the most common and one I have read and heard repeatedly from victims.)

Triangulation is used by abusers to assess your vulnerabilities and your ability to empathize. How you react immediately cues the abuser in to whether or not you’re a good target and easily influenced. The more moldable you seem, the more likely the abuser will be attracted to you and pursue a deeper connection. A successful triangulation sets the stage for future interactions and manipulations. If you recognize this happening, run in the opposite direction.

Example of Triangulation

You meet someone. He talks negatively about a person you have never met and uses phrases like “Don’t you think?” and “Can you believe it?” The abuser wants you to agree with his negative assessment of someone else’s behavior. He wants you to make an unfair judgment about someone you haven’t even met!

Why? For starters, he needs validation. Abusers are insecure losers, remember? In addition, he needs ammunition. More than likely you’ll one day meet the person he is talking about, and you’ll probably like that person. If you do end up becoming friends with that person, the abuser can use your initial opinion of the person against you even though it wasn’t an opinion at all. It was just you being conversational.

Triangulation techniques are unfair, but they’re meant to be. Don’t get sucked in!! Instead of nodding in agreement and adding fuel to his negative fire, say something like,

“It’s too bad you feel the way you do about your sister-in-law. Maybe you should talk to her about how you feel. I don’t know her, so I don’t think I can help you.”

Maybe throw in another statement like,

“It seems like it can be easily resolved between the two of you.”

I know what you’re thinking. “Who are you trying to fool, Paula?!” We know abusers aren’t interested in a resolution; they enjoy their crazy-making, but suggesting this might cause a disordered and pathological abuser to run from YOU! Who knows. It’s worth a try.

Remember, if the abuser is willing to throw a close relative under the bus, he’ll surely have no hesitation in throwing you under it, too. And once you’re IN the relationship, avoiding agreement in a discussion built on triangulation techniques will simply make the abuser rage at you. Triangulation is a repeated technique and tool used to get validation. If the abuser doesn’t get it, you’re in for an evening of pain and suffering.

Don’t play this game in the first place. Maintain your self-love and remember the Golden Rule when you find yourself being triangulated. Your dedication to behaving well will be a total turn off to the abuser. Go you!

Namaste!

(image source: mentalhealth.net)

Acceptance and Feeding the Wolves

I receive letters and private emails from many readers. You share many of your feelings, stories, and fears with me. For that, I am grateful and feel blessed to have your trust.

A recurring question from many readers is:

“How do I get my abuser out of my head in order to forget and move on?”

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. There is no definitive solution. We lived through something with someone. We can’t erase it. But I do believe there is a first step we all must take in order to recover from it:

We must accept what happened to us and realize we cannot change it or change the person who hurt us.

As a person who was able to wake up and escape my abuser before it was too late, the hurt I felt was not of having my heart-broken. Not even close. The hurt I felt in the beginning of my healing was in having trusted someone I expected would treat me with love, kindness, patience, and forgiveness. Those are basic and simple building blocks of all healthy relationships and the exact traits narcissistic sociopaths like the boy in my story lack.

My husband has those traits. My son has those traits. My mother, father, and stepfather have those traits. My sisters and brothers have those traits. My life-long friends have those traits. Therefore, my expectations that the boy would have those traits was not unrealistic. I had been conditioned to expect them from everyone, including the boy. And when they failed to flow from him, I wanted to help him grow those traits. How futile and naive! I know that and accept it now.

Acting on my co-dependent tendencies is a thing of the past. It serves no one, especially me. Why would any of us choose to try to fix another when we need to fix ourselves first? Once you accept your abuser for what he/she is, you can finally accept yourself, warts and all!

The beauty of accepting ourselves is the realization that we have complete control and power over changing those things we don’t like about ourselves and our behavior. Most importantly, we are allowed to expect better from ourselves and also expect results from our efforts to change.

I started by writing down all of the things I liked about myself. Then I jotted down all of my failings. I wanted to maintain the good in me but transform my bad habits and behaviors. I couldn’t erase my past failings and personal disappointments and setbacks related to my actions. However, I knew I could begin again. But beginning again required a thorough inventory of EVERYTHING!!

I spent many hours and weeks going back in my past and dissecting the years. I discovered too much I had tried sweeping under the rug. I had many “ah-ha” moments, and my confidence in my ability to relearn how to be myself again slowly started returning. With this confidence, I was energized to do something with my skills and talents I had suppressed for so long. (I, just me myself and I, suppressed them. It was no one’s fault but my own.)

In less than six (6) months from the time I decided to take control of my life, my writing took off. My book was published. I landed my column in The Washington Times Communities. My Facebook pages grew. I was approached by the founder and creator of My Emotional Vampire to help with their ever-increasing following. I read more and more blogs by other survivors. I lent my support to them as best I could. One Mom’s Battle asked me to contribute to the back cover of her book. I participated in fund raisers and walks.

My body and soul were being energized more and more every day thanks to my own efforts (and lots of support from my son and husband). I got myself into the mess I was in, and I was able to get myself out of it. That’s all we can do for ourselves in the end, really. Don’t you think?

Today I celebrated another birthday. My husband and son bought me a beautiful cake and two yoga calendars: one for my office and one for wherever else I need reminded of the passing of time. They also got me a dimmer switch for the light above the dining room table. (Mood lighting is VERY important!) Before leaving for work this morning, I wrote in my new journal (Thank you, Janine!) and wished for a peaceful day.

I want to end this post with a Cherokee tale I read many months ago and again last night in the last pages of the memoire Look Me in the Eye: Caryl’s Story by Caryl Wyatt and Anita le Roix:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Namaste!