Surrender to the flow #change #transformation #death #renewal

The healing we experience is life changing, transformative. It’s impossible to prepare ourselves for what will emerge and how the emergence will manifest.

For me, I know something essential is being thrust forward for me to accept and release when the tears begin to flow in the middle of a yoga or meditation practice. 

In the early days and months of practicing, I tried to hold them back, control them. I thought crying meant I was weak of spirit, and I didn’t want to be anything less than strong. Now, I understand my tears as symbolic of the powerful, natural, and organic process of death and renewal.

Surrender to the flow!

“Crying is one of the highest devotional songs. One who knows crying, knows spiritual practice. If you can cry with a pure heart, nothing else compares to such a prayer. Crying includes all the principles of Yoga.” – Kripalvananda

What a difference a year makes!

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After several years of not writing, I returned to my blog last January. Up until then, I had been discouraged from writing for many reasons:

1) Where was my voice? It had been lost for so long.
2) What was I going to write about? So many things were going on in my life and my head; I didn’t know where to begin.
3) What if no one read anything I wrote? My life couldn’t possibly interest anyone or have an impact.
4) How would I find the time to maintain a blog? Being a wife, mother, and working FT takes up a lot of time. I didn’t want to sacrifice any of these things.
5) Why bother? I had zero motivation.

The catalyst to break through those negative barriers came from a collection of life experiences and emotions:

1) January 2012 marked my 40th birthday. If I couldn’t find my voice by 40, when did I expect it to arrive?
2) I had been practicing yoga for 3 months. I was letting go of as much as I could on the mat. I needed to let go in other ways.
3) My stepfather died unexpectedly in December 2011. I was sad. I was filled with sadness. I needed to release it.
4) I was struggling to come to terms with my past. So many things were clouding my view. I couldn’t see past the garbage of my recent past to get to the joy of my future.
5) I needed an outlet. Writing can be done anywhere. Writing is what it would be!

I look back at my posts from earlier last year and compare them with posts from more recently. I believe I have grown a lot and become a lot less angry and confused. I attribute my growth and awareness to many things, the least of which is my writing.

Writing has always been a part of who I am and how I cope. I have been writing letters and notes to myself ever since I was a little girl. The writing never failed me. But I failed my writing.

I wish I hadn’t stopped when I did a few years ago. I wish I had been more confident in my own thoughts and ideas to keep writing. I wish I hadn’t allowed someone else to influence me and make me feel like my writing wasn’t good enough to share. I wish I had loved myself to the degree that I love myself now.

But that’s old news! What a difference a year makes!

Just something I wanted to share:
My sister/best friend and her long-time boyfriend (pictured) are due to have their first child in the coming weeks. A little girl. I’m going to be an aunt again. I am so excited to meet her. Now more than ever, I feel like I can give as much as I receive. Namaste!

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