Gloria’s Story: “They don’t understand. They’re just jealous.”

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Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

Gloria’s Story: “They don’t understand. They’re just jealous.”

BETHESDA, Maryland, October 7, 2014 — Gloria* is a survivor of narcissistic/pathological abuse living and recovering in the United Kingdom.

Before the relationship became intimate, I spent two years being assessed and groomed although I did not realize it at the time. It was by far the most intense friendship I have ever had and we spent every day (five days a week) chatting briefly on messaging and emailing each other at work. I felt great, because I had just come out of an abusive eight-year relationship and here was this man, my friend from South Africa, back in my life after 23 years, and he made me feel good about myself. He told me I was very attractive, so kind and friendly with everyone, and we seemed to have so much in common. He became my best friend all over again. He persuaded me to buy a webcam and I did not see anything wrong in this at the time. Read more… 


*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Becoming Numb to the Sociopath and Opening the Door to Survival

Open door to survival from sociopath abuse

Sociopaths repeatedly and effortlessly find loving and caring people.

Why and how do they do it?

First, Sociopaths need good people to camouflage their shittiness from the world. The more loving, giving, religious, charitable and/or respected their significant other, the more likely the sociopath will succeed in gaining his own reputation for being the same type of good person his significant other spent years establishing.

(Remember, sociopaths are the biggest and most successful cheaters on the planet! They can do it remorselessly and believe they deserve it and earned it honorably.)

Plus, the more people the sociopath’s significant other has surrounding her, the more protected the sociopath feels.

The delusional sociopath automatically considers his significant other’s friends his friends and will use them to cowardly hide behind while getting away with his insidious abuses.

(Think of churches, clubs, community service groups and even yoga studios and gyms where people come together to reach collective goals as a community or team.)

And sociopaths seem to have amazing radar for finding people like this, the absolute opposite of themselves.

Sociopaths hone in on and find the most empathic and forgiving individuals among us. They seek us out, because we serve as safe havens for the sociopath’s diabolical nature.

People who are natural nurturers. People who are good mothers or good fathers. People who take care of the emotional needs of friends and family. People who take on the burdens of the ones they love.

And people like this are not necessarily co-dependent.

Often times, people like this have gone their entire lives without falling prey to sociopaths. We have made friends, loved and lost and experienced the natural highs and lows of love and grief.

Victims of sociopaths aren’t relationship ignorant. We understand what healthy relationships should look like. We know love is about give and take. We also know that relationships take time, effort and work as the relationship grows and evolves.

Knowing this is one of the reasons many of us stuck around longer than we should. We held out hope that the sociopath understood love, too.

We thought the sociopath needed a little nudge and prodding in the right direction. We thought modeling patience and understanding is all the sociopath needed to awaken his sleeping compassion and empathy. So we practiced great patience with the sociopath . After all, we didn’t wish to seem cruel and unreasonable if we walked away abandoning the sociopath after just a few arguments and misunderstandings.

We gave the relationship, not necessarily the sociopath, many chances.

So, no, we were not all co-dependent. Entering the toxic relationship with the sociopath thrust us into behaving in ways characteristic of co-dependency.

We made excuses for the sociopath, and early in the relationship, we agreed with the sociopath when he claimed others didn’t like him because they were jealous of him.

This degree of co-dependency came from being with the sociopath too long. And we stayed too long because our nature dictated us to only look at the good despite the sociopath continuously pushing and destroying our boundaries, while simultaneously giving us empty apologies and false promises that he/she would change.

And because we are highly empathic and understand that love is patient, we gave the sociopath chance after chance to change his/her way of thinking about us. We held out hope that the sociopath’s demands and expectations of how we SHOULD love them would ease and align with reality.

(No one is perfect; we all make mistakes. Shaming and blaming and relentlessly pushing a person to the edge of sanity is not love.)

Unfortunately, the only thing that changed was our faith in ourselves. We interpreted the sociopath’s perpetual lack of understanding as our inability and failure to demonstrate our full capacity to love.

So we kept trying and prooving ourselves worthy. We gave the sociopath more and understanding than we had ever given to another human. Ever. And it still didn’t make a difference. The sociopath remained unchanged.

We exhausted ourselves to the point of losing sight of what real love looked like.

We lost our ability to overcome and mutually work through relationship issues and road blocks. We questioned our ability to love, care and forgive, because the sociopath relentlessly diminished us for reacting emotionally and normally to his hatefulness.

If the sociopath had his way, we would have simply submitted and allowed him to think and act just as he wished to think and act, regardless of the harm and abuse he inflicted.

The irony of the sociopath’s wish for us to stop reacting so emotionally lies in the simple fact that he coveted us in the beginning because we ARE so emotional and caring. If we had been void of emotions, we never would have attracted the sociopath into our lives in the first place.

So the more the sociopath demanded that we become like him and learn to relax and let things roll off our backs, the more we attempted to do that.

And what’s the first thing we started relaxing about? Yup. You guessed it. We started reacting less and less to the sociopath’s negative criticisms of us, and we submitted less and less to the sociopath’s whims.

And when we did this, the rage became even greater. Initially, this caused us great confusion:

“You asked me to stop caring so much, remember? You asked me to stop stressing and being so emotional. So I am trying.”

But we learned quickly that the sociopath is not only hateful, but he is also the biggest hypocrite we’ll ever encounter.

For the sociopath to remain happy and without rage, we must remain detached from our emotions unless those emotions somehow benefit the sociopath.

We must laugh, cry and get frustrated only when the sociopath deems those emotions necessary and just. All other emotions we feel are judged and vilified by the sociopath.

You see, any emotions or reactions we have must be born of the sociopath and only according to his will. The sociopath thrives on our emotional reactions to him. The sociopath feeds on the drama our emotions generate. So if we no longer reacted to him emotionally, he no longer received the drama he thrived; he lost his life source in us!

(The same principles that guide a schoolyard bully’s behaviors.)

In the sociopath’s delusional attempts to force us to become numb to all things that normally illicit emotional reactions in us, we also became numb to the sociopath and his manipulations.

The numbness overtook us one day, more than likely in the middle of one of the sociopath’s rages.

(What an insult to the sociopath’s nature!! How dare we become numb to him?!?!?)

Instead of fighting or running away like we had done so many times in the past, we sat emotionless and quietly “took it” instead.

Becoming numb is essentially the “freeze” mode of our “fight/flight/freeze” response to threatening situations. In our numbness, we fully rejected the drama that drove the sociopath’s behavior and abuses against us.

We didn’t realize it in the moment, but our ability to go numb was a beautifully disguised clue that we could survive without the sociopath’s approval and acceptance. We CAN detach. But we were too numb to understand this fact as it was happening.

Do you remember when you first became numb? It is not a sign of heartlessness. It’s a sign of strength and your ability to self-protect.

Our last resort is becoming numb and detached. It doesn’t feel good or natural to us. That’s why we question it.

But we realize, eventually, that becoming numb is not a heartless act. We finally learn what being heartless really is:

Heartless is cheating and manipulation.

Heartless is behaving and responding to those you claim to love without empathy, compassion or a conscience.

Heartless is driving another to detach from all others except oneself.

Heartless is the sociopath you escaped.

Namaste!
~Paula

(image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/185421709627994995/)

© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications.

in my honest opinion mug

Message to Sociopaths: IMHO, Sharing Your Crappy Opinion of Others Does not Equate to Being Honest

in my honest opinion mugBeing an opinionated jerk is not the same thing as being an honest person.

A sociopath will fog up the honesty window by telling you he’s honest to a fault:

“I always tell people what I think of them. I always give them my honest opinion about what they wear and what they eat and what they drink. What do you mean by saying I’m a liar?”

Telling people, unsolicited, what you think of them isn’t exactly the same thing as being honest about who you are and what your motivations are.

Telling people that you don’t like this or that about them is you being a smug prick. It’s not being honest with them.

Being honest with them would be:

“I hate this gift you gave me, because I really don’t like or care about you and don’t care if I hurt your feelings or not because you are nothing to me. Next year I won’t like the gift you give me, either, because I don’t like you. I just love seeing your disappointed look knowing I made you feel so disappointed about yourself.”

A Sociopath could never come right out and be 100% honest. Ever!

So don’t let these fools claim honesty by pointing to a time they were “honest” with you about something you said or did that they didn’t like.

Pfft!

That just proves they’re an asshole, and anyone can be an asshole on occasion, but not everyone can be honest about why they’re an asshole.

I’d love to hear a sociopath explain his asshole-ness to me. Wouldn’t you?

IMHO, sociopaths are disgusting, delusional jerks who go against all decency and righteousness. Why do I think that? I think that because I have witnessed, first-hand, how they have verbally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically caused harm to others and lack any remorse for doing so.

As victims and survivors, the closest we get to receiving an apology is more like an excuse:

“Well, it’s your fault. You knew I was like this from the beginning.”

My response to the boy in my story when I received the above excuse went something like this:

“No, I thought you were just an immature asshole who needed some life experience to see what an asshole you really are. I guess you like being a cocksucker, huh?”

(Needless to say, that response didn’t help bring peace to the situation.)

I take full responsibility. It was my fault for accepting the sociopath into my life. Shame on me for thinking he was human like the rest of us.

Good morning! Namaste!
~Paula

(image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/152629874841562497/)

The End of the Relationship with a Sociopath: Where is the Sense in It?

senseless

From the beginning, a relationship with a sociopath make no sense and is unlike any relationship we have ever encountered. And then the end comes, and we’re blown away by how it plays out.

When normal, healthy relationships end, we naturally grieve. We say goodbye to someone with whom we shared ourselves and whom shared themselves with us. It’s sad. It’s painful. But it’s life. People come and go. And just because the person we are saying good-bye to will no longer be a part of our everyday life, we have the beautiful memories of that person and all of the adventures and growth we experienced.

But when a relationship with a sociopath ends, it’s on par with losing someone through death. Why is the grief so intense? Probably because there was never a normal closure when a so-called relationship with a sociopath ends.

When we end romantic relationships with healthy partners, there is usually the final, mutual conversation where one side says, “I love you but it’s just not working” and the other side says “I love you, too, and I agree it’s not working.” You go your separate ways; there is no drama; there is no second-guessing. You move forward and deal every day with the gradual subsiding of the pain and grief of losing a person you once shared a life. And you always remember that person and how he/she shaped you and helped prepare you for the next relationship.

When the toxic relationship with a sociopath ends, we never experience the mutual conversation or the drama-free exit and separation. Instead, what we get from a sociopath is emptiness and lies. If you leave the sociopath, he’ll say, “Thank God I don’t have to endure you any more. I should have realized long ago that I was wasting my energy on you.” If he is the one to leave, he’ll say, “It’s just not working out. I don’t love you and never really loved you the way you wanted me to love you. We would have made each other miserable. Have a great life.”

Both reactions are shocking to a normal, health non-pathological person. How could someone devalue the years you spent together with such dismissive statements and lack of emotion and care?

Well, a sociopath, that’s who!

Once the sociopath no longer needs you or realizes he can’t use you for further supply, you become dead to the sociopath. His memory is wiped clean of you, because he was never able to connect with you on a spiritual level in the first place. You were just a material thing, an acquisition and a conquest; it’s easy to toss away things. In no uncertain terms, you become trash and garbage in the eyes of the sociopath.

You do not exist. You are worthless and so was the relationship. Poof! You’re nothing.

So harsh! You are unable to compute how the sociopath was able to come to such a conclusion about you and your worth. Once you recognize this reality, when you hear it in his tone and learn of it through the smear campaign, you may become desperate to make him see how wrong he is. You may try to delay the end. You may call him and beg and barter with him. You may get down on your hands and knees and say you’re sorry and would do anything to prove to him that you are worthy of his eternal friendship and love.

But, more than likely, by the time you make such a spectacle of yourself, the sociopath has already found a new source of supply. By doing this, you just end up looking like a crazy and desperate fool. The sociopath does not care what you have to say. He does not acknowledge any of the truth you might be speaking. However, the sociopath loves that you keep begging him and pleading with him to be nicer to you. These are the moments that feed the sociopath, and he shares these pleadings with his current victim/girlfriend/fiancee to prove to them how insane you are, “Jesus! This woman is so sick. She just can’t let go and accept I don’t want anything to do with her.”

The boy in my story described several women from his past in this way. (I’m definitely added to that list now. Hehe!) But was it really letting go of him that they were unable to do? Was his teenage lover really desperate to marry him after all these years because she was delusional and couldn’t accept the end of the relationship? Was the ex-girlfriend from Ohio, now married with children, pining for the boy because she still loved him? Did I call him after my stepfather died because I needed him to comfort me?

No. None of us really needed him in our lives. What we needed from him was a glimmer of humanity that we never received when the relationship ended. All we got was drama, hate and lies. We were desperate to be treated as humans.

But expecting to be treated as a human when the relationship with a sociopath ends is hoping in vane. It will never happen. Why? Because the sociopath isn’t human like you and me. He has no conscience. So why on earth would the sociopath treat you like you were human if he doesn’t even know what it feels like to be human with a conscience?

He wouldn’t, because he can’t. The sociopath is not capable of treating you like anything other than a disposable piece of flesh.

Namaste!
~Paula

(Image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/209206345162866290/)

Oh, boy! The sociopath went and got hitched! Lower the curtain on the drama once and for all.

red curtain

You just found out the sociopath has a new girlfriend, a new soul mate. To top it off, he married her!

Your first reaction is to be pissed and angry. I understand where your anger is coming from. But as you work through your emotions, there are a few things you need to keep in mind:

Sociopaths CAN NOT be alone. They must always have someone or something to control. To them, the ultimate is to use people to control other people. He’s using his relationship to control your emotions and to play with your mind. And he is loving every second of your pain.

Do you really care that he is in a new relationship? Do you want to be in a relationship with him? Are you jealous of her?

NO! Of course you answered “no” to all of these.

Your anger is coming from your ego. You are pissed that he duped you. You’re pissed that he fooled everyone into thinking he’s a good guy and you’re a freak. You’re pissed because there is nothing you can do to save or warn his new girlfriend/wife about what is to come (because it will come for her just as it came for you.)

You must remove yourself from his bag of tricks. You must not allow him to be able to manipulate and control your emotions even from a distance. You must learn to be able to remain completely detached. If you allow anything that he says, does or implies with his actions or words to affect you in any way, he is still affecting you and controlling you.

It is not easy to become completely detached as quickly as you want to become completely detached. The only way to get closer to becoming completely detached is to be absolutely certain in your mind that he is what he is: a narcissistic sociopath who lacks the ability to empathize or feel remorse. He has no conscience.

Everything he does and says is for effect and relies upon an audience. Remove yourself from his audience.

For me, I had to stop worrying about warning and trying to save his future girlfriends. I accept the fact that he is still out there reading my blog and calling me crazy to all of his new friends and “followers.” I’m okay with that. I’m okay with him calling my son a spoiled brat, my family enablers, my husband a fat ass and my sisters ugly and fat.

Who the fuck cares what these dark and twisted jackasses think of us and the ones who love us? They have nothing we want. They are no one we would be proud to stand next to. They lack integrity and respect for everyone, including themselves.

Sociopaths are textbook. They are predictable. We need to stop reacting with surprise to their behavior and instead react with a heavy yawn.

They’re predictable and boring characters who only exist if we give them a stage. So drop the curtain on their performance and cancel the show.

Namaste!
~ Paula

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