Why consider a meditation practice?

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Integrated meditation practice is like a healthy diet which is indispensable for maintaining your vitality and resistance to disease. Likewise, a balanced meditative practice in the course of a socially engaged way of life heightens your psychological immune system, so that you are less vulnerable to mental imbalances of all kinds.

~B. Alan Wallace, Ph.D.

The Sociopath’s Misuse of Language

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“The misuse of language induces evil in the soul” ~Socrates

Those who have gone head-to-head with a sociopath understand that Socrates was not referring to grammar and punctuation.

The sociopath manipulates words, our words! They transform seemingly innocent comments into dark, hideous reflections of who they want us to believe we are.

[I called the sociopath to share some exciting news.]

Me: “I’m thinking about volunteering at the area youth shelter. They need some GED tutors. I think I could help.”

Sociopath: “Really? Why would you want to do anything for THOSE people? Are you that desperate for attention?”

This is misuse of language! This is misuse of another person’s words in hopes of tearing her down and shaming her. THAT is evil.

Ask yourself:

Did you suspect I wanted to volunteer as a tutor for attention?

Did you immediately start judging the people I mentioned helping as THOSE people?

Spotting the sociopath is easier than we think, especially now that we understand what to look for.

Listening to his language is important.

Is he always accusatory? Coming to odd conclusions? Immediately defensive and offended by your conversation prompts? Does he turn everything you discuss into something directly about him?

Me: “Why would you think I wanted to help someone to get attention? And I don’t appreciate that you are referring to a bunch of at-risk kids as THOSE people.”

Sociopath: “If you choose them, I’m gone. They could end up stalking us and putting our safety and your son’s at risk. What kind of mother are you? Do you even care about us? You don’t love me, do you?”

Do I honestly need to analyze how absolutely insane his conclusions were?

Of course I don’t. We are all very intelligent people and can identify language misuse when we hear it/read it.

It’s impossible for the sociopath to hide his true nature, to always have the mask securely fastened. It slips. And it slips frequently.

During these “slipping” moments, we need to find the courage to tell the sociopath what we really think of him/her. No more deer-in-the-headlights reactions. We need to use our language.

We need to be able to tell him/her what you really think in those moments.

Me: “You’re absurd! There is no choice I need to make. It’s your choice to force a choice on me. I’d much rather choose helping a group of kids over dealing with your pathetic accusations.”

Sociopath [crying and whaling]: ” I can’t believe you!! You think I’m garbage! You hate me!! I knew you didn’t care!!!”

Me: “If you loved me, you never would have given me a choice.”

[I hung up the phone.]

I wish this had been “The End.” That wouldn’t come for another year.

Namaste!

informed-consent and the sociopath's fantasy

Stop giving the sociopath credit. He knows not what he does.

informed-consent and the sociopath's fantasy

We tend to give the sociopath too much credit, don’t you think?

All of the behaviors and traits that help us to identify a narcissistic sociopath are their default behaviors. These are not behaviors he had to learn or improve upon. They are behaviors that are inbred and standard for these fools.

A narcissistic sociopath is no more aware of what he does and how he affects people than a rock is aware of the stream rushing by or the frogs and birds and other creatures that use its surface over time.

I do not believe that the narcissistic sociopath awakens each morning and thinks about the people he will destroy. I do not believe he thinks about people much at all. For that matter, I don’t believe the sociopath thinks. Period.

“Thinking–the talking of the soul with itself.” ~Plato (See! Even Plato would agree these fools have no soul.)

A narcissistic sociopath just is. He is an unchanging, unfeeling, unemotional blob of flesh that happens to resemble a human on the surface. (I’d prefer not to think about what his mangled insides must resemble.)

The non-thinking sociopath doesn’t allow anything to worry him. Why? He has no conscience. It is the conscience that throws the rest of us into states of panick, states of joy, and states of calm acceptance.

How lucky and fortunate we are!

The narcissistic sociopath feels none of these things. (Isn’t that sad? But just don’t pity him, okay? That’s why you were stuck in the mess to begin with, remember?)

Although the narcissistic sociopath feels nothing, he sees everything and focuses on those things that are bright and shiny, which are the very things he wants and covets. More often than not, those bright and shiny things are humans.

We repeatedly read and are reminded that the narcissistic sociopath’s goal is to break people and make them weak and vulnerable, especially in romantic relationships.

However, I don’t think sociopaths are goal-oriented nor aware of anything outside of their egocentric microcosm. If someone directed them to destroy Jane for example, the sociopath would simply walk away from Jane thinking that act would destroy her because the sociopath was no longer in her life. (Absurd!)

So, no, I do not believe a sociopath seeks to break the ones they claim to love so much. Why do you think they act so surprised when we accuse them of hurting us on purpose!??

If we are broken as a result of our relationship with a narcissistic sociopath, we must be prepared to take full responsiblity, suck it up and own 100% of the blame.

The male sociopath is focused on acquisitions. He wants stuff, especially nice stuff. Time and time again, the sociopath will select a “trophy” female, a woman with high-achieving ambitions, with often higher morals and put her on a pedestal. She is his perfect shiny and new thing.

But no one is perfect. And once the trophy starts behaving imperfectly, the sociopath gets pissed (he can’t help himself) and can only focus on the fact his image of the trophy keeps getting shattered because the trophy keeps screwing up. (It’s all your fault, remember?)

The sociopath blasts the trophy for not living up to what he expected and wanted the trophy to look like, act like and stand for. And with each attack, the trophy crumbles and becomes even less perfect and confident, giving the sociopath unending reasons to be angry and blast and attack a little more.

By the time the sociopath discards the trophy, it’s clear to the sociopath that the trophy he once idolized, ruined itself and failed the sociopath. It’s not the sociopath’s fault he had to discard the trophy! It’s the trophy’s fault for having deceived the sociopath into making him think the trophy was perfect and shiny in the first place. (How dare you?!?)

Accepting this is vital for your inner peace, because the sociopath will never consent to agreeing that his behavior was unprovoked. You caused him to behave the way he did. He was just reacting to your bad behavior.

What does your bad behavior boil down to?

For starters, you stomped on the sociopath’s fantasy, a fantasy you didn’t even know existed; You ruined his fairy tale, a fairy tale you didn’t realize he wrote; and most of all, you squashed his delusions, delusions of the perfect you he expected and wanted you to be. (You sinner!)

But honestly, how were you supposed to know he was a 6-year-old trapped in a man’s body?

Give yourself a break and accept the sociopath for what he is. He couldn’t help himself. His nature is to destroy people, and he doesn’t even know it. He deserves no forgiveness (he did nothing wrong in his eyes) and no more of your time.

Namaste!
~Paula

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Paula Carrasquillo Salvador Dali Perfect

Perfectionism and the perpetuation of abuse

Paula Carrasquillo Salvador Dali PerfectBeing a perfectionist is a tiresome way to be and it can lead to finding ourselves in relationships with others who criticize us repeatedly and incessantly, like narcissistic sociopaths.

When we emotionally abuse ourselves by demanding perfection in all we do, we run the risk of blindly accepting the emotional and verbal abuse from others. After all, we’ve been hearing those same “you’re not good enough” attacks most of our lives — from ourselves.

As perfectionists, when we hear criticisms of our choices and behavior coming from the sociopath, it seems normal and natural because we are already so hard on ourselves. What the narcissistic sociopath says simply reinforces our self-sabotaging thinking. We agree with the attacks, and we become more focused on being perfect to the point of losing sight of what is really happening in our toxic relationship. We don’t even question the abuse and control being inflicted upon us until it’s almost or often absolutely too late.

Fortunately, there is an easy fix to this. I believe that if we can stop emotionally abusing ourselves and turn off our need and quest for perfection, we will be more able to stop accepting emotional and verbal abuse from others. We’ll recognize it sooner as foreign and squash it like it’s a cold bug.

Many victims and survivors of pathological abuse from sociopaths and other Cluster B personalities think it’s enough to know how to spot these predators/abusive personalities. But that’s just step 1; there is a step 2 we must consider, because recognizing what an abuser “looks” like is not a guarantee that we will avoid getting sucked in by another one in the future.

Step 2: We must take a good hard look at ourselves and be willing to change our thinking and do the work to get there.

Perfectionism could be the thing about you that needs remedied. Are you a perfectionist? Are you ready to free yourself from this burden and start living in the beauty of realistic expectations and life?

You can read about my battle with perfectionism on Elephant Journal.

You can also learn about perfectionism and depression from Dr. Nicholas Jenner, a blogger and a counseling psychologist in private practice. He also offers cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and online counseling.

Namaste! Happy Saturday! ~Paula

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