Cosby is a Psychopath and so is that person you think is ‘just’ a Narcissist

I was duped. I took this picture last February.

I was duped. I took this picture last February.

A person who must lie about who he is, what he believes in, and about his feelings to get you to love him and then manipulate you into thinking your love is only genuine if you see him as superior and that you must never question his superiority is a narcissist and a sociopath and a psychopath.*

We want to make a distinction among these terms: narcissist, sociopath and psychopath. I no longer believe these terms are mutually exclusive; and if given enough time and observation, we will see that those we once thought were “just” narcissists, will prove they were psychopaths all along who simply wore their masks of sanity incredibly well.

I think psychiatry, neuroscience, and other behavioral sciences will one day realize this too and conclude that these terms (which are man-made terms based on limited human observations) all refer to the same type of person: [insert new term to encompass all three].

Today, we determine which label to apply based on the intensity or level of evil one of these types presents to us. What is becoming more and more clear to me is that the behavior of the pathological is purely situational and dependent on how much resistance they face from their chosen victim(s) and what resources they have available to them.

A person we once referred to as “just” a narcissist, does something that convinces us he is a sociopath, and then it’s revealed that he has done something even more diabolical which elevates him to the ultimate status of psychopath.

Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths…they are all the same. It’s just that it takes time and a change in their status, resource level, and support level for their behavior to become evident and measurable through observation thus proving that they crossed the imaginary boundaries distinguishing the terms a long, long time ago.

Look at Cosby. If all psychopaths were lucky enough to have his money and connections to create the persona and mask he hid behind for decades, I don’t think we would ever fully understand or comprehend how easy it is for psychopaths to hide in our midst. Or how easy it is for psychopaths to instill fear in their victims forcing victims to remain silent, thus perpetuating the psychopath’s mask and outward persona of goodness and righteousness.

All psychopaths want to have the power Cosby had. The money, the honorary degrees, the celebrity.

In their delusions, like Cosby, they create micro universes where they ARE King. Some even name their cars or their wi-fi networks after themselves. The wealthier ones name yachts and airplanes after themselves. Same disease; different level of resources.

And these people are not geniuses or brilliant. They manipulate the most primitive part of us: our desire and need to be loved by another human being.

And in order to manipulate our primitive brain, all they have to do is tap into their primitive brain filled with trickery, manipulations and emotional blackmail.

Anyone who has to lie, cheat and steal to win people, jobs and status and then bash those same people to con others to gain a fresh supply of people, jobs and status is dangerous.

Period.

The cycle of abuse they follow in romantic relationships is the same cycle they use in all relationships, in organizations and in communities: assess, groom, idolize, devalue and discard.

Their evil behavior curls around and tarnishes and attempts to destroy everything and everyone in its path.

With Cosby, the American public was groomed and charmed into submission thanks to the creation of a character named Dr. Huxtable. Dr. Huxtable was Cosby’s “sheep’s clothing” and protected Cosby from being exposed for decades.

The man who raped those ladies is not a good person. He exemplifies a psychopath.The man who raped you, abused you, tormented your children and then cried to everyone in earshot that you’re a liar and insane is not a good person.

You can call him a sociopath, a narcissist or a psychopath. It doesn’t matter, because those of us who have met the devil know there isn’t a label or term available to use that can encompass the ugliness and insidiousness of what we lived.

Namaste!
Paula Carrasquillo
yogi. author. advocate.

* Note: This also applies to females who are psychopaths.

Interested in Spoiling Your Holiday Party? Invite a Sociopath!

Broken SantaHoliday time means fun with friends and family. Sprinkle in a sociopath, and the fun is stripped faster than you can say, “Happy Thanksgiving!”

I hated being in public with the sociopath, especially around the holidays. Not only did he insist on controlling me, he insisted on behaving in ways that pushed people away…from both of us.

He was always so sweet and charming to the very people he repeatedly talked negatively about in private.

And he talked shit about EVERYONE in private:

His mother, his brother, his sister in-law, my sisters, my friends, his friends and even their pets!

No one was off limits or safe from the sociopath’s miserable judgements.

But few people got sucked in by his fake and charming demeanor when we got together for holiday parties with friends and/or family.

(I still get pissed at myself for tolerating his ability to be the biggest asshole in any room. I thought he was JUST insecure. I felt sorry for the cad.)

My sisters certainly did not see him as charming, funny or even attractive for that matter. They tolerated him, because they loved me. My mother was the only one who tried to be friendly, but even her patience failed eventually.

And most everyone in his so-called inner circle seemed like they just tolerated his presence. I picked up on this quickly.

He never attracted people’s energy; he seemed to detract their energy. No one ever seemed to give a shit if he showed up to their parties or not.

And why should they have cared? He was either talking about himself or trying to isolate me somewhere in the corner of the room.

And if he felt like our conversation wasn’t properly engaging me, he would physically smother me. Always needing me to sit next to him (or on his lap), to hold his hand, to kiss him and to only have my eyes on him!

His behavior and neediness frustrated me. It was maddening and tiresome.

I am a social person. I didn’t like alienating people due to his extreme need to overwhelm me with PDA.

Why go out if your hell-bent on ignoring the party host, your so-called friends and your family. Doesn’t it make better sense to stay home if you’re not interested in being social with anyone other than your significant other?

(Yeah. That’s a no-brainier, right?)

So I always, always tried to break away from his clutches at family gatherings and parties. But being bold and independent only caused the sociopath to react with more troubling anti-social behavior:

At my family parties, he would go off and pout.

(Yes, pout. Male or female, drama drives the sociopath.)

Imagine a grown man of 35 walking up to a grandmother (my mother) and saying, “Why doesn’t she love me? I love her soooo much, and she just ignores me.”

My mother’s favorite retort, “Are you for real?!?”

If the sociopath expected to be coddled and for me to be reprimanded by my mother for not giving him my undivided attention, he was sorely mistaken. My family obviously knew and respected my nature much better than the sociopath, the same man who claimed to know me better than anyone because he was my soul mate.

(Pfft! Vomit. Don’t fall for that line, Ladies and Gentlemen. Do not fall for it!)

Eventually, him tugging on me and interrupting me mid-sentence while talking to a cousin or aunt pushed me to take him aside.

(Exactly like a mother would take her impish child aside to knock sense into him.)

I would walk him back to a private room closed off from the general bustle of the party. Initially, he would think I was doing it to get frisky. (You know, to have sex.) But once the door was shut behind us, I’d explain to him how his behavior was spoiling everyone’s good time.

But guess who left the room feeling guilty?

Yup! Me!!

Although I knew his behavior was childlike and selfish and immature, I was somehow shamed into thinking I was being hateful and insensitive:

“You know I’m not used to being around large families like yours. I just want to feel needed and loved. I just love you so much, and you don’t seem to care how I’m feeling. This is your family. This is where you feel comfortable. Just give me more time. I need time to feel more a part of everything.”

And I’d fall for it. I’d fall for one of his biggest lies and deceptions:

“I’m interested in loving your family as much as I love you.”

(Lies! We know that love is not something sociopaths know or understand like the rest of us. Loving my family comes naturally if you love me. No need to feel excluded. Me inviting you to my family holiday should be a sign that you’re already included. There are no tests to pass. You’re in!)

The pouting and pity party occurred repeatedly, because the sociopath didn’t want to share my attention. He was selfish and callous. That’s not love:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”

“It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”

“It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

Namaste!
~Paula

© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications.

(Image source: http://www.thisoldhouse.com/toh/photos/0,,20331806,00.html)

Sociopaths and psychopaths are not fascinating. People who survive them are.

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The behaviors of sociopaths, psychopaths and any pathological persons are not fascinating to me and should be collectively judged as bad by society. Why?

We judge everything. Judgement isn’t as bad as people are led to believe.

Judgment encompasses three categories: good, bad and indifferent.

When we revere something, we are judging it as good. When we are indifferent to something, we are judging it as unimportant.

To me, indifference is the same thing as ignorance, and if we keep perpetuating ignorance about the real harm sociopaths, psychopaths and other pathological individuals are capable of inflicting, the problem just gets bigger and more difficult to manage.

So, I guess, I am not really judging anyone as being bad, am I? I am simply providing awareness based on facts and real-world experience.

The American Psychological Association will soon release the updated and revised 5th edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). The DSM is basically a glossary of labels and behaviors related to mental health. It’s a glorified dictionary, in my opinion, but a necessary one. The DSM-IV is what I used to determine, once and for all, if the boy in my story was a narcissistic sociopath. That’s where the usefulness of the DSM ended for me.

The DSM stops at the diagnosis, the definition and label. And even the label isn’t easily justified.

Where are the blood tests? What about the standards for reading brain scans of those diagnosed? Are their genetic markers that support whether or not a patient was born that way or nurtured and conditioned to be that way? Or did other societal factors cause the disorder?

And there isn’t much in terms of how to treat the disorders, either.

The DSM does not provide personality disordered individuals with recommendations for healing and recovery. There are no treatment options to cure narcissists or sociopaths and other cluster B disordered individuals.

You laugh at the notion. So do I! We all know from experience that individuals who perpetually and instinctively repeat the behaviors characteristic of having a personality disorder or of being a sociopath or psychopath are, by their very nature, disordered and are not capable of change. Treatment for the personality disordered among us is a moot point.

To make matters worse for us lay persons (and for the inexperienced psychoanalysts and psychiatrists, for that matter), the DSM doesn’t even include a list of measurable effects that personality disordered behavior can have on non-disordered individuals and/or society.

And this is where the lines are blurred and the science behind psychiatry and neuroscience meet:

  1. There are sick people who are born sick and can’t be rewired or fixed. Psychiatry, as it is today, can not help these people. Neuroscience can help strengthen the definitions and classifications of these individuals but also can’t ethically help these people either.
  2. Then there are those individuals born with a healthy and productive mental capacity and balance who are acted upon and broken by individuals born sick and disordered. The people born healthy can be treated with psychiatry and psychoanalysis. Neuroscience can help pinpoint the areas of the brain that need “massaging,” so to say, and allow for complete and full recovery.

Therefore, why do we waste our time studying sociopaths like some newly discovered species of butterfly? The sociopath and the disordered have been around for centuries if not since the beginning of time. Why the fascination and investment?

They harm others. Period. End of story.

Who is going to have the guts to put personality disorders and pathology into a bucket outside of treatable mental health issues and disorders and classify these people instead as the cause of the majority of the harm inflicted upon others?

(Yes. Blame the monsters. Stop blaming the victims!)

Individuals acted upon by pathological people are the real patients who deserve more of our time and efforts. And the way we approach treating the real patients needs to change dramatically.

I don’t think I am alone on this one.

The following was pulled from an article published by The Guardian on Saturday, May 11, 2013: Psychiatrists under fire in mental health battle: British Psychological Society to launch attack on rival profession, casting doubt on biomedical model of mental illness

“There is no scientific evidence that psychiatric diagnoses such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder are valid or useful, according to the leading body representing Britain’s clinical psychologists.”

“In a groundbreaking move that has already prompted a fierce backlash from psychiatrists, the British Psychological Society’s division of clinical psychology (DCP) will on Monday issue a statement declaring that, given the lack of evidence, it is time for a “paradigm shift” in how the issues of mental health are understood. The statement effectively casts doubt on psychiatry’s predominantly biomedical model of mental distress – the idea that people are suffering from illnesses that are treatable by doctors using drugs. The DCP said its decision to speak out “reflects fundamental concerns about the development, personal impact and core assumptions of the (diagnosis) systems”, used by psychiatry.”

“Dr. Lucy Johnstone, a consultant clinical psychologist who helped draw up the DCP’s statement, said it was unhelpful to see mental health issues as illnesses with biological causes.”

‘On the contrary, there is now overwhelming evidence that people break down as a result of a complex mix of social and psychological circumstances – bereavement and loss, poverty and discrimination, trauma and abuse,’ Johnstone said.”

Although Johnstone’s statement doesn’t specifically list “exposure to disordered people” as one of the circumstances behind another person’s breakdown, I can’t help not making that connection when I read trauma and abuse.

Bad people are born. People who are born bad hurt others. They inflict trauma and pain on others.

We have this false sense of hope that the bad people can be fixed with medication or a 30-day rehab stint. They can’t. Those born sick will stay sick.

Would you send a child born with Down’s syndrome to a hospital hoping upon the child’s return the child will be cured? Of course not. So why do we think people born with the propensity to inflict physical, emotional and spiritual harm on another can be fixed?

Gone should be the days of saying, “Oh, he can’t help it, he was born that way.” Or “His father beat him when he was young and that’s why he beats his wife and kids.”

We need to stop having pity on these disordered individuals. We need to stop dismissing rapists and child molesters and murderesses who claim childhood trauma and severe mental anguish as the reason behind their behavior.

There are many, many people who have been abused, molested and assaulted as children who do not grow into monsters who prey on others. Assuming such things is highly destructive and counter-productive to the healing and recovery process of victimized individuals born healthy and without pathology.

The reason a person repeatedly hurts another and then another and then another is because that person was born to hurt people–emotionally, mentally spiritually and physically. They have no empathy or conscience. They are not able to be rehabilitated.

Society desperately wants to be fair and reasonable with offenders. Why? Because we know we are all fallible and make mistakes and would want mercy if we screwed up, right?

When healthy people screw up, we don’t weasel our way out of punishment. We say, “Yes, I did that. I am sorry. What is my punishment?”

We don’t blame our past or someone else for our bad decisions. We own our mistakes. We are accountable. We assume everyone is like us: good, fair and accountable.

People born without the capacity to empathize and who lack a conscience are not good, fair or accountable. They have nothing positive to contribute to society and have only the ability to destroy–people, families, institutions, organizations and governments.

(You could probably list a few. I could too.)

As a society and community of mindful thinkers and change agents, we need to stop focusing on fixing the unfixable and instead focus on helping those the unfixables have broken. Trauma patients can survive and they can be healed and society should want to help.

We need to stop putting our time and efforts and our money into research, drugs and facilities focused on understanding, medicating and housing the disordered and unfixable. How absurd!

All of those resources should be put into helping and healing the good people who can be fixed and who can be helped and whose temporary imbalance can be adjusted through mindful and natural approaches.

Stop blaming the trauma patients for their trauma and stop trying to help the disordered who inflict the trauma in the first place.

Trauma patients can be fixed. They can recover. But they can’t do it without our collective understanding and encouragement. They can’t do it if the source of their trauma is getting treated with more care, attention and fascination than they are.

Be fascinated with the people who walked away from the sick and disordered. There must be a super power in them that science has overlooked. I’d like to find out what that is and replicate it, wouldn’t you? A vaccine against the effects of pathology perhaps.

Prevention rather than the preservation of the sick and disordered due to society’s constant fascination. After all, when you pay attention to something, it never goes away.

Namaste!

Keep your heart out of his jar…forever!

Heart outside of his jar - Keep it there!If you succeed or have succeeded in ending your relationship with a narcissist, a sociopath, or anyone with an affliction associated with any Cluster B disorder (antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorders, and histrionic personality disorder), there WILL be a time in either the near or distant future that the nutcase will contact you in an attempt to lure you back into his lair.

The sociopath will choose a time in his life that he needs you the most. He might be alone, engaged to someone who is simply driving him crazy, married to a nag, or dealing with a pregnant wife who just won’t put out or give him any attention. Whatever his situation, he’s suffering because the woman in his life doesn’t love him the way he NEEDS to be loved. He’ll be sitting around one day and suddenly you’ll come to mind, and he’ll think:

“Paula. Yeah, Paula. She was easy to manipulate and control; she’ll enjoy some of my flattery and give me some, too, I’m sure. Getting my fix [his narcissistic supply] from a few e-mails or phone calls would really boost me right now.”

And off goes the narcissist to call, write or text Paula with lies, lies, lies about how he’s being mistreated and misunderstood.

He’ll be expecting Paula to soothe his ego and take pity on him immediately. He’ll expert her to say, “You poor thing. You deserve better. You poor, poor, thing.” But he doesn’t realize that Paula has learned her lesson (FINALLY!) and can now recognize the tricks of sociopathic pricks like him even from a distance of several light years.

So, instead of having pity and replying to him with soothing words often reserved for children, she won’t respond at all. She won’t even send him a “Screw off!” note. Instead, she’ll ignore him because that’s the best way to defeat these predators. Ignore them and act like they aren’t even human, because, with all sincerity, they aren’t human like the rest of us.

These song lyrics below (and video here) may help some of you who are on the fence about finally deleting, blocking, or changing your email and phone number, so you don’t have to read his words or hear his disgusting voice again…

“Jar Of Hearts”

No, I can’t take one more step towards you
‘Cause all that’s waiting is regret
Don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

[Chorus:]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms
And I’ve learned to live half-alive
And now you want me one more time

[Chorus:]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Dear, It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
‘Cause you broke all your promises
And now you’re back
You don’t get to get me back

[Chorus: x2]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul

Don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Reader support and fun with analytics

WordPress blogging is fun. I get to write and publish and meet other bloggers and readers. I find out a lot about myself and receive enormous amounts of encouragement. I honestly don’t know what would have happened to my mind in the last few months if I hadn’t been gifted with all of the support.

Especially in hard times, we need each other. Now that the good times are peeking through, I’m focusing on participating more in the blogs I follow (and hope to follow), which means reading them, commenting on them, commenting on comments, and simply being there like so many were there for me.

One of my favorite features provided by WordPress is the analytics. People from across the globe visit my blog. The majority of visitors come from the United States, Australia, Canada, and the United Kingdom. I can also pinpoint the city, state and the referral site!

The most interesting analysis to date has been the reoccurring (almost daily) visits by a specific reader (not a fellow blogger) who comes from Springfield, Virginia and enters via pocaipainting.com. If you happen to be that reader, thank you so much for your interest in my blog. It seems you’re especially interested in anything and everything I post about sociopaths, Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath, and abuse. I hope you’re learning about yourself the evil among us.

To the rest of my readers and fellow bloggers, Namaste!

Anne Lamott quote

This is child abuse; don’t you think?

Click to read http://storyofasociopath.com

Who treats a child like this and thinks it’s okay? The boy has some serious Mommy issues, it’s clear. Plus, he can’t seem to figure out that love isn’t about being in the honeymoon stage forever.

Read from the beginning or get caught up on The Birth and Evolution of a Narcissistic Sociopath. I’ll be formatting the site soon to make it available on most eReaders!

Thank you and enjoy!

February turned me inside out

“Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging.” – Joseph Campbell

The above quote captures what the month of February 2012 was for me…challenge upon challenge.

Most of my readers know that on February 1 I started (and will be finishing tonight!) a 30-day Bikram yoga challenge. Honestly, I don’t think I could have completed it without the help of my husband and son, who complained only slightly about my stinky-ness, sweaty-ness, and tiredness. (I’ll be preparing a surprise for them this weekend. They have NO idea!! wink, wink)

Also this month, my readers were aware that I started the process of having my tattoo removed. It’s been bitter-sweet but fairly painless. If you missed any entries, get caught up now!

However, you, my readers, were unaware that I received a VERY disturbing email mid-month (February 13) that challenged my spirit, my faith in humanity, and faith in my ability to act and react appropriately.

The exact details of the email are unimportant. Just know that reading the email instantly destroyed my memories and understanding of my recent past; it had the potential to destroy my marriage and relationship with my husband; and it made me doubt my current and seemingly healthy physical state. (The emotional effects? Pfft! ENORMOUS!)

So, how did I act and react? I turned to my creative side and did what I would like to think I do best… I wrote.

I wrote to the sender (to thank her and to acknowledge I received her generous disclosure), I wrote to the subject of the email (to let the Douche Bag know that I now know about something he lied about in hopes he’d provide an explanation or more likely, an excuse), and I wrote to myself (which I shared with my dedicated readers and followers on my The Story of a Sociopath site).

I also coped through having conversations with my family, friends, fellow bloggers, and most importantly, my husband. I was overwhelmed with their love and support and encouraging words and care. My husband was angry with me for many justifiable reasons. However, we kept the conversation going and threw blame out the window. He is no longer angry with me, but I’m not certain if I am 100% forgiven yet. Time will tell.

As for a returned correspondence from the Douche Bag? NONE! So, I wrote some more…to his mother and his new girlfriend (yes, the contents of the original email contained information she was privileged to know, in my opinion). Still nothing. Until I received a threatening letter from the Douche Bag’s lawyer (who is also a douche bag, in my opinion), stating a suit would be pursued if I did not discontinue defaming him in emails and on the site housing The Birth and Evolution of a Narcissistic Sociopath.

So, like any good American who knows her rights, I chose to ignore the letter. (I did, however, stop sending the Douche Bag and his family emails. But the story keeps getting better and better each and every day, don’t you think?)

And, in my opinion, the Douche Bag’s lack of explanation or excuse for not disclosing “his little secret” to me long ago, simply affirms what I have been convinced of for months– The Douche Bag is in fact a narcissistic sociopath with zero empathy or conscience. 🙂

“You’d be crazy to date that guy!”

Crazy womanIf you discovered that the great, new guy you are dating has been engaged, married, divorced, and then engaged two more times all in the course of 5 short years, would you still think he was a catch? What if his ex-girlfriend contacted and advised you to get an STD exam? Would you still think he was the man of your dreams, The One, the love of your life…?

If you said “yes,” you’re not on the crazy train alone, My Dear. Most women ignore warnings about their current flame from friends, family members, and past GFs. Is it because we want to believe the fairytale or because we don’t want to believe we chose the wrong guy, AGAIN!?!?

Whatever it is, we need to stop and think. As women, we need to trust each other and help each other.

Enjoy!

http://storyofasociopath.com/

Story of a Sociopath – up to Part 7

Wolf in sheep's clothing - sociopathMy Story of a Sociopath website is coming along quite nicely. I have fine-tuned many of the more important points through Part 7. I am still searching for a publisher but am thinking about self-publishing the story through i-Books. Any comments would be appreciated.

(Keep in mind, I have no proofreader or editor at this point, just my story in all it’s rawness.)

I am thinking it would be a great supplement to a research text on sociopaths, psychopaths, and personality disorders in general. I’ve already been informed that it’s causing emotional anguish for one of my readers. He’s either been a victim of someone like The Boy or he sees himself in The Boy. It’s not for me to judge. Enjoy!

http://storyofasociopath.com/

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