graceless heart

The Sociopath’s Graceless Heart: See It for What It Is.

graceless heart

People without a conscience (you know, sociopaths) are able to “get over” loss and failure easily.

Why? How is that possible?

The one characteristic of sociopaths which we can never, ever forget and must keep at the forefront of our minds is the reality that the sociopath is not like the rest of us. The sociopath is not capable of becoming emotionally attached and rooted to anything, any place and definitely not any person.

The sociopath’s heart is without grace.

Any connections you perceive the sociopath to have (because that’s what we do; we try to understand the sociopath as we understand ourselves) are purely surface, superficial and material. People and animals are objects that the sociopath uses and controls to his advantage and to validate his delusions of superiority and uniqueness.

He loses a job? The sociopath might be pissed for a day or two but will soon be manipulating and conning his way either into another workplace/position or someone “close” to him out of money and resources.

They make these “losses” look like “no big thing” because they really are “no big thing” to the sociopath. That job was just a tool he used to look good and to buy stuff that made him look good. He can always find another employer to suck.

He loses a fiancée/girlfriend/wife? Pfft! The sociopath will seem distraught for about a week as he cries and complains to his adoring audience about how terrible and heartless his ex was for leaving him. Then, almost like magic, the sociopath’s tears will dry up and he and his audience (a.k.a. pity-party participants) will move on to a new project the sociopath conned and manipulated them into doing in order to help the sociopath get his mind off of his loss.

Again, the sociopath appears and acts incredibly strong and together in the face of a crushing and life-changing event. But who can take on a house renovation, a book project, a new girlfriend/boyfriend or anything requiring making an emotional connection to anyone or any idea within just a few weeks of losing another emotional connection? A sociopath–that’s who.

But we don’t see their strength for what it is—a deficit in the sociopath’s character.

Instead, we see the sociopath’s ability to “bounce back” as strength, as a power and a skill. We are in awe of this person’s “ability” to lift himself up so quickly after being knocked down. We are in awe of this person’s “ability” to change and move forward with seeming grace and confidence in little more than a few days or weeks!

But look closely. Nothing has changed. The only thing that has changed is the group of suckers surrounding the sociopath. These new and/or well-groomed long-term suckers freely give to the sociopath their time, care and resources so the sociopath, their devastated and wronged friend, doesn’t suffer unnecessarily due to the selfishness and carelessness of the heartless person/employer/ex-friend who hurt him and caused his suffering.

Some like to call the pity-party participants enablers. I refuse to call the pity-party participants “enablers.” They aren’t. An enabler is someone who sees someone doing something unhealthy and destructive and doesn’t address those bad habits with the person committing those bad habits, allowing that person to keep destroying themselves.

People who have aligned themselves with a sociopath have no idea that any bad habits exist. I mean, how do you detect that someone is a lying piece of trash without a conscience? How?

It’s nearly impossible.

When we first meet someone, why would we suspect that person is deceiving us and has ulterior motives? Why would we suspect a person would lie so adamantly about a person or situation we do not know about first-hand? Why would we think a person is setting the stage for future chaos and confusion?

We wouldn’t, because healthy and normal good people do not live to pit people against others just so we always comes out smelling like roses. We just don’t.

Unless you are deeply intimate with a sociopath and share a living space or workplace with the person, you may never understand the ugliness involved in triangulation, lies and deceptions. In many cases, the sociopath is so passive aggressive and so good at stonewalling and giving you, the pity-party participant, the silent treatment (once you do start asking the “right” questions) that the sociopath never, ever outright lies with his verbal or written language.

There is a reason the sociopath goes silent. A very fucking (excuse me) good reason: the sociopath refuses to be linked to a direct quote that reveals all truth. Instead, the sociopath withholds that truth in hopes that you’ll either A.) Stop asking your silly and infuriating questions or B.) Abandon/fire him like the last person/employer so he can start his pity-party game all over again with another unsuspecting group of folks.

But, if you look closely, the truth is always revealed in what is not said or written. The absence of answers is indicative of the presence of lies.

The truth is in the sociopath’s avoidance of answering questions and facing his opponents head-on. The sociopath leaves the dirty work up to others (pity-part participants) to pass along and smear and demean those with the strength, courage and self-respect to finally walk away or fire his ass.

So the next time you meet someone with an unbelievable back story about being wrongfully accused of doing unspeakable things, listen to your gut. If he claims to be “all good” with it because that other person or employer is just crazy or insane or bipolar or borderline, question how he could “get over” a person he once wanted to grow old with. Ask him how he can just “let go” of his dream job without mourning it.

Normal and healthy people NEED time to grieve and process tragedy, if indeed they describe it as tragic. A few weeks? Come on! You know BS when you smell BS, so why are you allowing his BS to smell like that 4th bouquet of flowers he had delivered to your office?

Give your gut some credit. It’s not JUST your gut. It’s a very discerning and intelligent inner voice you’ve been carrying around with you your entire life.

You should heed that voice when it repeatedly tells you, “This person is a liar. This person is a deceiver. This person will throw anyone and everyone under the bus, including you. Who cares if he claims you’re the best thing to ever happen to him. You already know you’re a fantastic and amazing person. You don’t need some loser, some person who obviously loses people and jobs and family, telling you how great you are. The common denominator in this loser’s life is himself. Wake up!”

Walk away gracefully from the graceless beasts.

Namaste!

~ Paula

(image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/407505466253116061/)

self-deception, psychopath, sociopath, awareness, dating a sociopath, divorcing a narcissist, Paula Carrasquillo, Paula Renee Carrasquillo, Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

Don’t be Ugly and Self-Deceptive Like the TEXTBOOK Sociopath

self-deceptionWe are generally fascinated by the people we most resemble.

Remember how fascinated you were with everything the sociopath said and did? How you hung on all of the beautiful compliments the sociopath graced you with unsolicited?

You did this because you thought the sociopath was just like you.

You were also fascinated by the sociopath’s criticisms of you, because you were also under the assumption that he was like you and would only criticize you because he cared. After all, we often let our loved ones know if they do something that hurts us or harms them, don’t we? And we do it because we desperately want everyone to be happy and to succeed.

But now you should know that the sociopath didn’t praise you and inform you of your mistakes because he loved you and wanted to see you succeed. No. He did it because he wanted you to fail, so you would become 100% dependent upon the sociopath. Once dependent, the sociopath has complete and utter control.

And control is the name of the game!

But just because you know the sociopath exploited your flaws and faults doesn’t mean you should ignore those criticisms. Yes, you would like to forget how the faults and criticisms were carelessly and hatefully spewed in your direction. Of course. But, if you can, consider all of those things the sociopath said and turn them into your goals.

The boy in my story often told me I was a bad mother and that I was alcoholic and too unstable to be left alone. At one point, he called my mother behind my back and told her I was sick and needed to be admitted.

Looking back, I can see why. I had been driven into a very dark and depressed place. I had become all of those things. But I know that going behind my back and using triangulation strategies to pit my family against me is NOT what a loving boyfriend/fiance/husband would do. Nope. What the sociopath did simply drove me deeper into helplessness, exactly where he wanted me.

TEXTBOOK sociopath!

So today I do exactly the opposite of what the sociopath tried forcing upon me. Instead of being ashamed of myself and feeling less empowered by the realization of my faults and mistakes, I embrace those faults and mistakes. I do not use them as excuses for my past poor behaviors and bad choices. I do not use them to foster self-hatred.

Instead, I look at myself and lovingly say:

“Paula, you screwed up royally. But you are not those stupid things you did. When you’re 80, will any of that crap really matter? No. So accept what you did and what you said and never forget those things. Move forward determined not to hurt yourself or others like that again. It’s inevitable that shit will happen. But don’t let that really stinky shit happen again, okay?”

And never give the sociopath credit for awakening you to this realization of yourself. Screw that! You are awake because you witnessed the epitome of ugliness, and you don’t want to be ANYTHING like the sociopath. EVER!

Beauty is your focus. Remain fascinated with beauty.

If you remain fascinated with trying to figure out the sociopath and wondering how he ticks, you’ll remain all of those ugly things he threw in your direction.

So transfer all that fascination you once had for the sociopath onto yourself because that’s, ironically, who you were really fascinated with the entire relationship. Your head was just in a fog unable to differentiate between when the sociopath was projectioning his ugliness onto you and when he was stealing and mirroring your beauty onto himself.

“Beauty is truth, truth beauty.” — Ode on a Grecian Urn, John Keats

Ugliness and Deception = Sociopath
Beauty and Truth = You

Be a bit self-centered. Getting to know your beauty and worth is not a dirty thing to practice. Having confidence in all of your skills and abilities is empowering. Our confidence nurtures our self-awareness and our ability to discern between those who value us for “us” and those who value us for some “thing” they covet from us.

One of the best ways to be in-tune with self-fascination, is to also remain humbly fascinated by others. We learn so much from each other (sociopaths excluded). And let your friends know how facsinating you think they are!

Peace! Namaste!
~ Paula

(image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/200621358372758161/)

The End of the Relationship with a Sociopath: Where is the Sense in It?

senseless

From the beginning, a relationship with a sociopath make no sense and is unlike any relationship we have ever encountered. And then the end comes, and we’re blown away by how it plays out.

When normal, healthy relationships end, we naturally grieve. We say goodbye to someone with whom we shared ourselves and whom shared themselves with us. It’s sad. It’s painful. But it’s life. People come and go. And just because the person we are saying good-bye to will no longer be a part of our everyday life, we have the beautiful memories of that person and all of the adventures and growth we experienced.

But when a relationship with a sociopath ends, it’s on par with losing someone through death. Why is the grief so intense? Probably because there was never a normal closure when a so-called relationship with a sociopath ends.

When we end romantic relationships with healthy partners, there is usually the final, mutual conversation where one side says, “I love you but it’s just not working” and the other side says “I love you, too, and I agree it’s not working.” You go your separate ways; there is no drama; there is no second-guessing. You move forward and deal every day with the gradual subsiding of the pain and grief of losing a person you once shared a life. And you always remember that person and how he/she shaped you and helped prepare you for the next relationship.

When the toxic relationship with a sociopath ends, we never experience the mutual conversation or the drama-free exit and separation. Instead, what we get from a sociopath is emptiness and lies. If you leave the sociopath, he’ll say, “Thank God I don’t have to endure you any more. I should have realized long ago that I was wasting my energy on you.” If he is the one to leave, he’ll say, “It’s just not working out. I don’t love you and never really loved you the way you wanted me to love you. We would have made each other miserable. Have a great life.”

Both reactions are shocking to a normal, health non-pathological person. How could someone devalue the years you spent together with such dismissive statements and lack of emotion and care?

Well, a sociopath, that’s who!

Once the sociopath no longer needs you or realizes he can’t use you for further supply, you become dead to the sociopath. His memory is wiped clean of you, because he was never able to connect with you on a spiritual level in the first place. You were just a material thing, an acquisition and a conquest; it’s easy to toss away things. In no uncertain terms, you become trash and garbage in the eyes of the sociopath.

You do not exist. You are worthless and so was the relationship. Poof! You’re nothing.

So harsh! You are unable to compute how the sociopath was able to come to such a conclusion about you and your worth. Once you recognize this reality, when you hear it in his tone and learn of it through the smear campaign, you may become desperate to make him see how wrong he is. You may try to delay the end. You may call him and beg and barter with him. You may get down on your hands and knees and say you’re sorry and would do anything to prove to him that you are worthy of his eternal friendship and love.

But, more than likely, by the time you make such a spectacle of yourself, the sociopath has already found a new source of supply. By doing this, you just end up looking like a crazy and desperate fool. The sociopath does not care what you have to say. He does not acknowledge any of the truth you might be speaking. However, the sociopath loves that you keep begging him and pleading with him to be nicer to you. These are the moments that feed the sociopath, and he shares these pleadings with his current victim/girlfriend/fiancee to prove to them how insane you are, “Jesus! This woman is so sick. She just can’t let go and accept I don’t want anything to do with her.”

The boy in my story described several women from his past in this way. (I’m definitely added to that list now. Hehe!) But was it really letting go of him that they were unable to do? Was his teenage lover really desperate to marry him after all these years because she was delusional and couldn’t accept the end of the relationship? Was the ex-girlfriend from Ohio, now married with children, pining for the boy because she still loved him? Did I call him after my stepfather died because I needed him to comfort me?

No. None of us really needed him in our lives. What we needed from him was a glimmer of humanity that we never received when the relationship ended. All we got was drama, hate and lies. We were desperate to be treated as humans.

But expecting to be treated as a human when the relationship with a sociopath ends is hoping in vane. It will never happen. Why? Because the sociopath isn’t human like you and me. He has no conscience. So why on earth would the sociopath treat you like you were human if he doesn’t even know what it feels like to be human with a conscience?

He wouldn’t, because he can’t. The sociopath is not capable of treating you like anything other than a disposable piece of flesh.

Namaste!
~Paula

(Image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/209206345162866290/)

chance and regret

Take a Chance on You and Never Regret Leaving the Narcissistic Sociopath

chance and regretDid you do enough? Did you make the right decision to walk away?

One of the reasons many remain in toxic and pathological love relationships for too long is because we want to be absolutely certain that we aren’t giving up on a person prematurely.

We always second-guess ourselves and ask, “What if it’s me and not him/her? What if I changed X, Y and Z about myself? Surely he/she will see my efforts and the relationship will get better.”

The relationship never gets better with a pathological person. The sociopath can’t see beyond his/her need to control you.

If you suggest counseling or attempt to change anything about yourself while in the relationship, your efforts will be perceived by the sociopath as a direct attack.

The sociopath will look upon your attempt to change with great contempt. The sociopath will accuse you of not being satisfied. Why change yourself or try getting the sociopath to change? You can’t possibly love the sociopath if you want to change the sociopath and the relationship. How dare you suggest it?!

To add more confusion, the sociopath tells you that YOU REALLY DO need to change and get better and provide him with the love and attention the sociopath deserves.

Yet, any attempt you make to change and satisfy the sociopath for the sake of preserving the relationship, the sociopath will shame and blame you.

You: Exercising really clears my mind and puts me in a great mood. I’m going to start going to the gym on the way home from work in the evenings. I think it will really help us.

The Sociopath: Help us? Well, it doesn’t help me. Spending time at the gym will only take away from our time together. You must not like our time together. You must not really love me. Whore! You heartless bitch!

It’s vicious and insidious and leads to more and more verbal, emotional and eventually physical abuse (if it hasn’t already escalated to that.)

Do yourself and your future a favor and see the sociopath for what the sociopath is and stop thinking you are failing yourself by ending it. Walk away. Go no contact.

Do you have any idea how many more deserving people are in this world dying for someone like you to be a part of theirs? People with a conscience and empathy and big hearts—real hearts, not those fake ones the sociopath likes flashing in our faces?

If you remain in a relationship with a sociopath, you remain under the sociopath’s control. You will forever suffer.

But if you get out, there can be no regrets for having the courage to step away from hell. Take a chance on yourself for a change.

Namaste! Peace!
~Paula

(image source:http://pinterest.com/pin/134404370102062789/)

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