Keep your heart out of his jar…forever!

Heart outside of his jar - Keep it there!If you succeed or have succeeded in ending your relationship with a narcissist, a sociopath, or anyone with an affliction associated with any Cluster B disorder (antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorders, and histrionic personality disorder), there WILL be a time in either the near or distant future that the nutcase will contact you in an attempt to lure you back into his lair.

The sociopath will choose a time in his life that he needs you the most. He might be alone, engaged to someone who is simply driving him crazy, married to a nag, or dealing with a pregnant wife who just won’t put out or give him any attention. Whatever his situation, he’s suffering because the woman in his life doesn’t love him the way he NEEDS to be loved. He’ll be sitting around one day and suddenly you’ll come to mind, and he’ll think:

“Paula. Yeah, Paula. She was easy to manipulate and control; she’ll enjoy some of my flattery and give me some, too, I’m sure. Getting my fix [his narcissistic supply] from a few e-mails or phone calls would really boost me right now.”

And off goes the narcissist to call, write or text Paula with lies, lies, lies about how he’s being mistreated and misunderstood.

He’ll be expecting Paula to soothe his ego and take pity on him immediately. He’ll expert her to say, “You poor thing. You deserve better. You poor, poor, thing.” But he doesn’t realize that Paula has learned her lesson (FINALLY!) and can now recognize the tricks of sociopathic pricks like him even from a distance of several light years.

So, instead of having pity and replying to him with soothing words often reserved for children, she won’t respond at all. She won’t even send him a “Screw off!” note. Instead, she’ll ignore him because that’s the best way to defeat these predators. Ignore them and act like they aren’t even human, because, with all sincerity, they aren’t human like the rest of us.

These song lyrics below (and video here) may help some of you who are on the fence about finally deleting, blocking, or changing your email and phone number, so you don’t have to read his words or hear his disgusting voice again…

“Jar Of Hearts”

No, I can’t take one more step towards you
‘Cause all that’s waiting is regret
Don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms
And I’ve learned to live half-alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Dear, It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
‘Cause you broke all your promises
And now you’re back
You don’t get to get me back

[Chorus: x2]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul

Don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Nurture your intuition, don’t ignore it…

albert-einstein-intuitionIntuition is our natural inclination to make guesses about something or someone without having tangible proof. Simply put, it’s our gut feelings or our hunches about something. We often get hunches when we meet someone for the first time. Our instincts tell us, almost instantly, if someone will or won’t be a friend or an important person in our life. We get hunches about our teachers and co-workers and bosses. Our intuition prepares us and lets us know if we can or can’t trust certain people or certain situations.

On one hand, our intuition is powerful.  (It can protect us from threatening people or events.)  On the other hand, it’s not always accurate. (We may choose to avoid a situation or person that our gut tells us might harm us when they actually could have helped us. We sometimes call that hindsight.) As a result of repeated instances of failed intuition, each of us learns and evolves (as unfortunate as it is fortunate) to use our intuition less and less and rely more and more on our intellect, which we use to deduce and measure EVERYTHING based on proof and evidence.  Lawyers use their intellects. Doctors use their intellects. Peer-reviewed journals are filled with intellectually-based evidence proving or disproving someone’s theories, which is just a fancy word for hunches.  (No wonder hunches are so tiresome: we always need a lot of proof for anyone to take them seriously. Very counter-intuitive, don’t you think?)

But not every hunch can be proven or disproven with supporting evidence, can it? For example, can we prove someone is telling us the truth about their past, their present feelings, and their future dreams? (I’d have to say a big “Hell no!” to that question.)  Building positive personal relationships with people we can trust relies heavily on our intuition, wouldn’t you agree? But because we don’t use our intuition enough, it gets rusty, REALLY rusty, and we trust it less and less. (Ironic, huh? The thing we should trust the most in order to measure our trust in others can’t be trusted.) No wonder we often end up trusting the wrong people. Our intuition sucks!!

So, how do we nurture our intuition and create an intuition we can trust when called upon? How do we create a less-sucky intuition? I think, like most anything we want to improve, we need practice. The next time you get a gut feeling about something or someone, share your gut feeling with yourself by writing it down. (Create a Hunch Journal or some such silliness. No one needs to know.) Then, when your hunch is proven or disproven, return to your journal and reflect on why your intuition worked for you or failed you.

Often, we base our hunches on prejudices or inaccurate information and data created by our minds. Writing stuff down and reflecting on them over time will correct these errors and help fine-tune our intuition. Soon, our intuition will grow more trustworthy as its foundation becomes more stable and based on truths rather than fallacies. (If you have old diaries or journals, you could test this out today. How much of your internal thinking and gut reactions to people and events were correct? How have your feelings about these people changed over time? Have they changed?)

How trust-worthy are your hunches?


My next post: “How a fine-tuned intuition can save us from being victims of abusive relationships and crappy jobs and shitty bosses”

My book’s title, cover, and Eve

Cover image: Escaping The Boy (copyright 2012)

During the spring of 2000, my last semester as an undergraduate at Frostburg State University, the professor for my course, Literature of the Environment, was going through the process of getting her latest manuscript published. She is Barbara Hurd, and her book is Stirring the Mud: On Swamps, Bogs, and the Human Imagination, which I recommend highly.

She shared with students the struggles and frustrations she was experiencing battling editors to determine a title for her book. (Yes. She wasn’t FREE to say, “This is what I want MY book to be called, and this is what I want the cover to look like.”) I remember thinking how unfair. Why would anyone want to spend all of that time creating something so personal just to have some marketing “expert” TELL YOU, the creator, what to call your work and with what image it should be associated? Not fair. Not fair at all! (If you go to Amazon, you’ll notice that the cover for the Hardback is VERY different from the cover of the paperback edition of Stirring the Mud. I wonder if Dr. Hurd had more input on the paperback design? Hmmm? Doubtful.)

Fast forward to today and to Kindle Direct Publishing (the self-publishing program I used). The artist has TOTAL creative freedom and TOTAL responsibility for the final product. It’s a beautiful thing. I could have paid someone to edit beyond basic copy edits, I could have paid a marketer to come up with some catchy title options, and I could have paid a photographer and/or graphic artist to design and format my cover design. But me, I am stubborn and have that I-can-do-it-myself attitude. After all, this could be my only chance to publish, and I want it to be what I want it to be (even if the end product isn’t as beautiful and perfect as a marketing guru or professional photographer and designer could make it.) But it is Mine, all Mine!! Hehehehe!

The first step was deciding on a title. I had been calling it “The Story of a Sociopath” with the subtitle of “The Birth and Evolution of a Narcissistic Sociopath.” Upon reflection, I realized the title needed to be shorter, with a forward drive, and the ability to capture someone on a personal level. (Thanks, Jody Miller!) Many iterations later using this as my criteria, and my title was finalized: Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath.

The next step was to make the cover design. I have limited experience with Adobe Creative Suite and graphics. Most of that experience is with Photoshop. To make it easy on myself and for my book to remain familiar to my dedicated readers and followers, I chose to use the image of the statue of Eve, which has been front-and-center on my website for months.

But where in the world is Eve? Really. Where and when did I take that picture? (And yes, I took that picture, Boy, not you, so rein in those lawyer hounds.) I photographed Eve in October 2008 in Pere Lechaise Cemetery located in the 20th arrondissement of Paris, France.

While the boy visited the graveside of Jim Morrison for an agonizing second time during our short visit to the capital city, I made my way north along a tiny path that led me to a narrow and steep concrete staircase blanketed in ivy. Upon reaching the top and final step, I saw her. Eve. And she moved me. The day was overcast and misty from rain. I was sad and frustrated. I missed my son (who was only 3 at the time). Eve comforted me. And confused me. Is she ascending or descending the steps? Is she moving forward and reaching for the apple or stepping back having decided against it? I snapped the picture just as the boy found me.

One thing is clear about Eve: she has a choice to make. What will her choice be and will it be the best choice? What choice will YOU make?


Story of a Sociopath up to Part 11

The Birth & Evolution of a Narcissistic Sociopath is getting more and more suspenseful…

Is the woman going to leave the boy, have his baby, marry him, kill him? Or will the boy and his twisted thinking, manipulations, and projections destroy her first? Get caught up and leave your comments, suggestions, and critiques. Enjoy!

(P.S. My past and on-going followers will notice that I have been reorganizing the site as I write and add “Parts.” I think I finally found an arrangement that will work for all future additions. I hope I am not confusing you but making your experience better. Namaste!)

February turned me inside out

“Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging.” – Joseph Campbell

The above quote captures what the month of February 2012 was for me…challenge upon challenge.

Most of my readers know that on February 1 I started (and will be finishing tonight!) a 30-day Bikram yoga challenge. Honestly, I don’t think I could have completed it without the help of my husband and son, who complained only slightly about my stinky-ness, sweaty-ness, and tiredness. (I’ll be preparing a surprise for them this weekend. They have NO idea!! wink, wink)

Also this month, my readers were aware that I started the process of having my tattoo removed. It’s been bitter-sweet but fairly painless. If you missed any entries, get caught up now!

However, you, my readers, were unaware that I received a VERY disturbing email mid-month (February 13) that challenged my spirit, my faith in humanity, and faith in my ability to act and react appropriately.

The exact details of the email are unimportant. Just know that reading the email instantly destroyed my memories and understanding of my recent past; it had the potential to destroy my marriage and relationship with my husband; and it made me doubt my current and seemingly healthy physical state. (The emotional effects? Pfft! ENORMOUS!)

So, how did I act and react? I turned to my creative side and did what I would like to think I do best… I wrote.

I wrote to the sender (to thank her and to acknowledge I received her generous disclosure), I wrote to the subject of the email (to let the Douche Bag know that I now know about something he lied about in hopes he’d provide an explanation or more likely, an excuse), and I wrote to myself (which I shared with my dedicated readers and followers on my The Story of a Sociopath site).

I also coped through having conversations with my family, friends, fellow bloggers, and most importantly, my husband. I was overwhelmed with their love and support and encouraging words and care. My husband was angry with me for many justifiable reasons. However, we kept the conversation going and threw blame out the window. He is no longer angry with me, but I’m not certain if I am 100% forgiven yet. Time will tell.

As for a returned correspondence from the Douche Bag? NONE! So, I wrote some more…to his mother and his new girlfriend (yes, the contents of the original email contained information she was privileged to know, in my opinion). Still nothing. Until I received a threatening letter from the Douche Bag’s lawyer (who is also a douche bag, in my opinion), stating a suit would be pursued if I did not discontinue defaming him in emails and on the site housing The Birth and Evolution of a Narcissistic Sociopath.

So, like any good American who knows her rights, I chose to ignore the letter. (I did, however, stop sending the Douche Bag and his family emails. But the story keeps getting better and better each and every day, don’t you think?)

And, in my opinion, the Douche Bag’s lack of explanation or excuse for not disclosing “his little secret” to me long ago, simply affirms what I have been convinced of for months– The Douche Bag is in fact a narcissistic sociopath with zero empathy or conscience. 🙂

“You’d be crazy to date that guy!”

Crazy womanIf you discovered that the great, new guy you are dating has been engaged, married, divorced, and then engaged two more times all in the course of 5 short years, would you still think he was a catch? What if his ex-girlfriend contacted and advised you to get an STD exam? Would you still think he was the man of your dreams, The One, the love of your life…?

If you said “yes,” you’re not on the crazy train alone, My Dear. Most women ignore warnings about their current flame from friends, family members, and past GFs. Is it because we want to believe the fairytale or because we don’t want to believe we chose the wrong guy, AGAIN!?!?

Whatever it is, we need to stop and think. As women, we need to trust each other and help each other.


How to Respond to a Narcissist

I have been meaning to write this post for the past few months. Unfortunately, everytime I think I have the answers, I second guess myself. This second-guessing game made me realize that the best way to respond to a narcissist is to NOT respond.

A narcissist will always be right. No matter how much logic and sincerity goes into your response, a narcissist will find a way to turn your words against you. It’s quite sad. I am saddened that I allowed a narcissist to affect me for so many years (even though within months of meeting I knew I should have run FAST in the opposite direction). I guess folks like me who can put ourselves in other people’s shoes believed the narcissist wasn’t really a narcissist, that he wasn’t really THAT materialistic or self-indulgent. Folks like me are wrong.

So, I am delighted that I finally found the answer, the answer I intuitively knew but ignored 3 years ago: when faced with a controlling narcissist, say nothing and just run as fast as you can in the opposite direction and NEVER look back. He’ll be fine. Narcissists always are (at least in their minds).

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