Share to make our voice heard – #Pistorius #narcissist #murderer #sociopath

pistorius

Share and pass along my latest Communities Digital news article: The Pistorius narcissist diagnosis: The experts got it wrong

The murder of Reeva Steenkamp and the Pistorius trial has really affected me, and I believe it has affected many, many of us. It all just feels too close to home — the text messages, the blaming, the shaming, the drama, the crocodile tears, the wrong diagnosis/misdiagnosis, and the frustration surrounding society’s “civil” need to consider this murderer’s defense.

Despite the closed-minded folks who refuse to listen to those of us who have lived this hell and instead rely on the inexperienced and money-driven experts, we need to let the world know how we feel about the conclusions being drawn and bring the focus back to proper awareness and education about pathology and the harm caused.

Does it matter what we call it? Psychopathy, sociopathy, narcissism?

No, because regardless of the source or cause of the individual’s behavior, the behavior harms and continues to harm and re-victimize the victims and everyone within range of the sociopath’s sphere of influence.

In the case of Pistorius, his sphere is the entire world thanks to the media coverage and his Olympic past and notoriety.

And our sphere of positive influence can be global, too.

People don’t go to the news anymore; news must come to them. That’s why it’s important to push any news story with narcissist, sociopath, psychopath in the title to your favorite, go-to social media feeds.

Please share my latest story on Communities Digital News, so it gets picked up by Google News. Tweet, Google+, Pin, Reddit, or whatever you like to do with stories you deem interesting or important.

Find me on Twitter. I follow everyone who follows me, and I also follow as many DV awareness pages and shelters and foundations that I can find in search: https://twitter.com/paulareeves821

We really can get the message out and our voices heard if we work together.

http://www.commdiginews.com/sports/the-pistorius-diagnosis-experts-got-it-wrong-20767/

Namaste!
~Paula

Liars! Further Dissection of Pistorius’s Anxiety and PTSD Claims

Oscar throws a temper tantrum at the Paralympics, and an expert claims he did it because he suffers from General Anxiety Disorder (GAD)?

First, someone suffering from undiagnosed and untreated GAD would have a difficult time competing let alone losing a race.

Second, those who suffer GAD generally do not blame others for every mistake they make in life, and they certainly wouldn’t know to blame the possible source of their anxiety: their abusive parents. Oh, my!

Individuals suffering from GAD fail to act due to fear of failure and of being perceived as imperfect. Their anxiety is born from feeling like they are not good enough.

Oscar, on the contrary, believes he is very good. He is so good in his eyes that he once fought to be the exception to all the rules in the last summer Olympic games.

Did he care if other athletes considered his presence and “blades” to be an unfair advantage? Not at all. He did not have the capacity to respect the sound and scientific arguments against him competing. Instead, he was quoted as saying:

“I don’t see myself as disabled. There’s nothing I can’t do that able-bodied athletes can do.”

Despite his current claim that experiencing the trauma of having his fibulas removed at 11-months of age and of having a one-time alcoholic mother and controlling father who made him fearful of society, up until the day he murdered Reeva Steenkamp, all who knew Oscar and witnessed his behavior would have argued otherwise.

“I still find it strange when I say to someone, ‘Can you pass me my legs?’ But I don’t ever think about my disability,” Pistorius has claimed.

So which is it? Is Pistorius someone who, for years, has simply been fooling everyone into believing his disability didn’t have a negative effect on his life but actually made him superhuman for overcoming his loss of limbs? Or is Pistorius fooling us now in an attempt to elude justice for the gun-killing murder of Reeva Steenkamp?

If he were truly terrified that night, he would have simply reached over to touch the position on the bed where Reeva should have been. In a matter of seconds, he would have been assured that the noise he claimed to have heard was just Reeva and not an intruder. His fears and anxieties would have subsided. And as a GAD sufferer, this is exactly what he would have done, because, after years of experiencing debilitating and undiagnosed GAD, he would have trained himself to investigate the reasonable cause before reacting prematurely.

But this is not what poor, suffering Pistorius did that night. Instead, according to him, he reached for his gun (not for Reeva) and took more time to stumble over to the toilet door on his stumps, screaming to the person behind the door, “Get the fuck out of my house!”

Reeva surely would have heard that and responded with, “It’s just me Oscar. It’s Reeva.”

He didn’t even speak through the door, “Is that you Reeva? I’m scared. Is that you in the toilet?”

THAT is what someone with undiagnosed and untreated GAD would do, because people with GAD are frozen to respond to situations if there are uncertainties.

Only an arrogant and reactive sociopath would shoot first and ask questions later, because to a sociopath, all of their actions are justified.

And, no, you cannot claim that his trauma response would have been to fight. Why? Because in this situation, there was a door between Oscar and the presumed threat. A person experiencing trauma would hope the door remained intact to continue serving as a barrier. Shooting through the door decreases the door’s value as a barrier. Not only would holes render the door weaker, the chances that the presumed threat on the other side would use their weapon also increased.

Oscar knew the person on the other side of the door was Reeva. He knew she was unarmed. He knew his life was not in physical danger.

But Oscar was scared and terrified in those moments, because he feared his reputation was on the line. He was more than aware of Reeva’s interest in speaking out against domestic violence. Also, he was well-aware that her own reputation and public presence in the spotlight was on the threshold of taking off with her soon-to-be aired reality show and with her Valentine’s Day speech at a local school about domestic violence and intimate partner abuse.

He couldn’t have her breaking up with him. The timing was terrible! She could easily start pointing fingers at his abusive and manipulative nature. Oscar had to do something to shut her up, so he shot through the door, killed Reeva, and today claims it’s because of his childhood.

He wants the rest of us to see him as the real victim, a victim of his childhood and uncontrollable circumstances, while we are to feel nothing for the woman he killed.

Who does that? Childhood victims of trauma and abuse?

No. Real victims of trauma who commit heinous crimes and murder would ask to be punished. There would be no denial. There would be absolute blame and shame. There would be no pleas for understanding or pity. No victim would make such an outrageous claim that killing a loved one was a reasonable response to an unknown threat. Reasonable because 30 years ago your fibulas were amputated? What’s next? All circumcised boys who commit murder will claim trauma, too? (Get f%$#ing real!!)

Namaste!
~Paula

Claiming Pistorius Suffers from an Anxiety Disorder is Insulting to All Victims and Survivors Worldwide

The psychiatrist did a great job of listing why one MIGHT suffer from an anxiety disorder as a result of health traumas or imperfect childhood experiences like OP, but the expert failed to accurately illustrate how anxiety is outwardly manifested and measured over time.

The expert, in his ignorance, proved Pistorius does NOT suffer from general anxiety. Quite the opposite.

People with true anxiety tend to be anxious as a result of deep feelings of accountability, shame and blame. Oscar displays none of these.

Those with true anxiety are often rendered unable to act, because we need things to be perfect before we act. Otherwise, if something doesn’t happen as we planned, it burdens us because we see the failed plans as being totally and completely our fault, no one else’s. Oscar blames everyone BUT himself.

Those with true anxiety burden themselves with all of the fault. We run every possible outcome and scenario through our minds, which is why most of is don’t act or pursue our dreams. We try to be perfect before taking action (which is impossible), so we rarely act. Oscar has the opposite problem. He believes he is perfect and acts like a bull in a China shop, smashing through life with delusions of entitlement.

Those with true anxiety can definitely be controlling as a result of our need for perfection. However, when and if we do act and our actions fail or result in harm, the shame and guilt builds and grows deeper. Our anxiety grows. It’s a vicious cycle that destroys our self-confidence, self-respect and self-worth.

OP displays zero accountability or remorse, which is evident in his specific responses to being questioned about his harmful behavior.

Oscar IS suffering, however. He suffers from the temporary anxiety of getting caught and realizing prison time is an absolute possibility and consequence.

It’s convenient for the defense to claim anxiety, but the diagnosis is grossly inaccurate and insulting to those of us who understand how anxiety leads to deterioration of self-worth, not to an inflated ego and deflection of accountability, which is what Oscar displays.

OP is a sociopath. There is no doubt in my mind. He intentionally murdered his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp. The only thing that wasn’t intended was getting caught.

Namaste!
~Paula

A real victim of trauma vs. Oscar Pistorius and his pity ploy

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“I will not look at a picture where I’m tormented by what I saw and felt that night,” Oscar Pistorius testified after the prosecution projected an image of Reeva Steenkamp’s dead body to the court. “As I picked Reeva up, my fingers touched her head. I remember. I don’t have to look at a picture. I was there.”

Pistorius is tormented by what he saw and felt, but not by what he did? He’s not tormented by his actions?

If we are to believe Pistorius, we must believe that he was absolutely terrified that night and was only trying to protect Reeva. He was, according to him, acting and moving from a place of extreme fear and vulnerability. He was traumatized by the assumption that a burglar had gained access into his home. In his eyes, Oscar wants us to believe that he shot through that bathroom door because, in the moments leading up to the gun “accidentally” firing, Oscar was a victim of an intruder.

Okay. Let’s consider that. Let’s consider that Pistorius was terrified and traumatized.

According to Pistorius, he was so terrified and traumatized by hearing sounds coming from the locked toilet stall that he blindly shot through the bathroom door at what he imagined was a burglar. Immediately after blindly shooting through the door, Pistorius then experienced a second trauma upon realizing – oh, my goodness! – that he had actually shot Reeva. Double trauma!

One would assume that a double trauma would translate to compounded shock, correct? How does one who experiences compounded shock respond?

First, one does not immediately proclaim to himself and everyone within earshot, “I am a victim. I deserve justice.”

Pistorius testified that he repeatedly asked the paramedics on the scene for help. He repeatedly said, “Help me, help me.” He also testified that he had asked a police officer, once in custody, if he could wash his hands, because the smell of the blood on them was making him vomit.

Is this how traumatized victims react in the moments and hours following such a traumatizing event? Do victims of traumatic events ask for help and ask to be cleaned up? No, they don’t.

As a society, we’ve seen plenty of footage and images of the aftermath of devastating traumatic events like 911 and the Boston Marathon bombing. With this collective understanding and knowledge, we can make a well-educated assumption that victims of trauma have no idea what just happened to them. Victims walk around dazed and confused, right? They move about in a state of shock and disbelief. Victims don’t recognize they’re injured. They don’t realize they’re bleeding or just lost an arm or a leg. They aren’t vomiting and retching. The last thing they notice is the smell of blood on their hands. They aren’t processing anything in the immediate aftermath. They are in shock!

When we experiences a traumatic event, our senses shut down. We actually become frozen from within. Although our physical body is experiencing a physical event, the rest of our body’s ability to function fails. We may be touching things, stepping on things, saying things, screaming things, being hit by things or even hitting things ourselves…none of these sensations are experienced consciously in the moment of being impacted by the traumatic event.

As a direct result of being temporarily disassociated from our sensations during a traumatic event, we have extreme difficulty remembering details of the event or how we specifically acted and reacted at the time of impact. Our behavior seems surreal to our memory, as if we were not present when the trauma event was happening.

Amazingly, although our mind may not have been consciously processing the trauma event, our subconscious was. Our subconscious becomes the temporary storage unit, so to say, for the sensations and reactions we experienced. Those sensations cannot be processed until they leave that storage unit as triggers. Triggers present themselves to victims in the forms of sounds, odors, images, flavors or textures that mirror the actual sensations our subconscious spared us during the traumatic event.

A victim can suddenly and unexpectedly experience a trigger at any time or in any environment following the traumatic event. These sudden and unannounced triggers catapult victims into a hyper state of awareness and panic. On trigger impact, victims suddenly become fearful when no real danger is eminent and go back to their mental and emotional state of the traumatic event. A victim may begin to sweat profusely and grab at their necks as they gasp for breath. They may frantically attempt to escape a crowd of people or a room. They might aggressively push a plate of food from the table. They might stop talking mid-sentence or mid-conversation and go silent and freeze and gaze off into nothingness.

In the eyes of those witnessing these trigger responses, victims appear crazy and unstable. But neither could be further from the truth.

When a victim finally experiences a trigger, the victim is receiving cues about what really happened during the traumatic event. Getting in touch with the truth about what was experienced allows a victim to move toward balance – mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

Triggers are our mind’s personal messages to us that we experienced something very real and very ugly and that it’s time to pay attention and accept it in order to move through it.

Once an individual understands the when, why and how behind triggers, the victim will finally realize he/she IS a victim. And once a victim realizes there is no shame in being a victim, the victim becomes a thriving survivor.

Only an individual who lacks a conscience and who lacks all accountability can immediately step away from a double-trauma (in which his actions resulted in devastation and death) feeling like the victim.

There is nothing Pistorius needs to move through. He is not experiencing triggers or trauma recall. In his own words he states that he was there and remembers, right? However, it is clear that Pistorius needs to get over himself, stop casting delusions and lies, and start telling the truth.

I imagine he doesn’t even take the anti-depressants prescribed to him. That his accounts of waking up to the smell of blood are real, but that he’s rather annoyed and inconvenienced by the memory of the putrid smell than triggered. That his crying and vomiting are only because he is mourning the life he once lived and not the woman he murdered.

Namaste!
~Paula

Sociopaths accept no blame and refuse punishment #OscarPistorius

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I awoke this morning to more Oscar Pistorius testimony and am blown away by how he’s able to just say that he “made a mistake.” We make mistakes on math tests. Oh, right…boys will be boys, huh?

He’s already minimizing his actions, and he hasn’t served any time or taken any responsibility for his “mistake.”

In reality, he’s been very sheltered and protected these last 13 months. He even went on holiday to beautiful Mozambique where he met his current girlfriend who happens to be 19 years old. Can a man who is truly mourning the devastating “accidental” killing of his beautiful girlfriend meet someone new and fall in love less than a year later?!? Someone who “accidentally” murders his girlfriend would be too fearful and distrustful of HIMSELF to even consider allowing someone new into his life.

Reeva’s murder was no accident.

People who commit “accidental” crimes such as this admit wrongdoing and ask for their just punishment. They don’t weep and cry in hopes of being pitied and forgiven before they’ve faced the consequences.

This delusional and pathetic abuser has no shame. He has no respect for Reeva’s family who are truly grieving. This entire story makes me both angry and sad.

Every single one of us is fearful of judgment. And we resist the urge to judge others, because we understand the pain of being unfairly judged. It’s a great practice NOT to judge others. But it’s not judgment when you call a spade a spade. It’s a fact! Oscar Pistorius killed a woman. He deserves to face the consequences.

If I “accidentally” kill a person due to my own negligence, I wouldn’t be able to expect zero punishment. I would serve my time and hope for redemption. Forgiveness is never a given nor should it be expected. Acceptance of our behavior and acceptance of the just punishment is a sign of a remorseful person.

Pistorius accepts neither. He wants to be the exception to all the rules.

Pistorius mentioned earlier in the week that he suffers insomnia, and when he can sleep, he often awakens terrified “to the smell of blood.” Today, he testified that the day of the murder and while in custody he asked an officer if he could wash his hands:

“I asked a policeman if I might wash my hands because the smell of the blood was making me throw up,” Pistorius said on the stand.

Really? He wanted to wash his hands of his crime? Perhaps we should refer to him as Pilate and not Pistorius. The smell of the blood was making him sick and not the reality that he had murdered his girlfriend?

For me, Pistorius continues to reveal his true nature. Who wouldn’t sit in the blood of the woman he killed and face the consequences? Who wouldn’t accept what he did and consider that smell to be part of his just punishment? This man is a coward. This man is despicable. This man is a pathological sociopath who honestly believes he has suffered enough and hopes we will pity him to avoid the maximum penalty and punishment.

I apologize for repeatedly going on about this, but this could be the case that many victims can refer others to in hopes of accurately illustrating and explaining the mask of sanity abusive sociopaths walk around wearing, fooling the populous.

Oscar Pistorius accepts no blame and refuses punishment.

Namaste!
~Paula

Reeva Steenkamp was murdered by a narcissistic sociopath

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Have you been following the Pistorius trial?

“I’m scared of you sometimes,” texted Reeva Steenkamp.

She and Pistorius had been out with friends just a couple of weeks prior to her murder. Pistorius forced them to leave the restaurant due to his delusional belief that Reeva was flirting with the husband of a friend.

“I was not flirting with anyone today, I feel sick that you suggested that,” she texted, adding, “We are living in a double-standard relationship. Every five seconds I hear you dated another chick.”

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as I read these and thought about what could have been my fate. These texts are reminiscent of my own from that toxic life with the boy in my story.

As soon as news of Reeva’s murder made the news last Valentine’s Day 2013, I knew Pistorius had killed her in a sociopathic rage. My gut and intuition told me that Pistorius’s claim about being frightened by potential burglars in his bathroom was ludicrous. To scare away a burglar, you just turn on a light or scream, “I have a gun and I called the police!” You don’t blindly shoot through a door, especially if you haven’t bothered to seek out the location of all your beloved family members first.

Who blindly shoots through a door? A sociopath at the height of his rage.

I imagine Pistorius was growing increasingly jealous and feeling increasingly out of control. Reeva was about to cross the threshold of stardom with her reality show and the public appearances that come with that world.

Pistorius, so accustomed to being in control and having the spotlight on him, could not handle Reeva being out of his control.

I imagine a heated argument resulted in Reeva feeling incredibly frightened. She didn’t freeze or fight. Her instinct was to flee. She had one advantage over Pistorius…her legs. She used them and raced to the bathroom and locked herself inside. This sent Pistorius into a frenzy of rage.

How was he going to regain control? There was no way Reeva was going to get away with exerting her independence over him. She was NOT allowed to run away from him without facing the consequences. The sociopath MUST have the final say…always!

As soon as Pistorius heard the lock click into place, he grabbed his gun and started shooting. Blind rage. Shooting 4 times.

Like a “good” sociopath, he had a plan. He knew who to blame. He wasn’t going to be accused of intentionally killing his girlfriend. After all, he loved her soooo much!

I wrote the attached story a year ago. Today, I believe, more than ever, that he is an evil and delusional sociopath who had every intention of killing Reeva. How dare she defy him and run from him? He never gave her permission to do such a thing.

What do you think?

https://paularenee.wordpress.com/2013/02/18/pistorius-jealousy-and-self-fulfilling-prophecies-of-the-narcissistic-sociopath/

Pistorius, Jealousy, and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies of the Narcissistic Sociopath

Worried that YOU Might be the Sociopath?

face in grassI slept with a knife under my side of the mattress in the final weeks before I escaped. I would have killed him if provoked one more time. I just remained as calm as possible in his presence.

Even the sound of him walking through the house made me cringe and wish him dead. I would hear him moving about the house, and I imagined him slipping on the bathroom floor and knocking his head against the side of the toilet. I thought about how much time I could waste before calling 911 to be certain he was beyond the point of being saved.

I had never wished anyone dead in my life!! But I wished death upon him. It’s why I had to leave when I finally left. I was becoming someone I no longer trusted or recognized.

I realized that I wasn’t living; I was dying.

In my early awareness and recovery, I would reflect on these frightening visions, feelings and emotions and ask myself:

“What if I really am the one with the problems like the sociopath tried claiming I was? What if I’m the pathological link in the toxic relationship?”

First, a sociopath would never have the ability to ask such a question internally. Instead, the sociopath would outwardly ask his current girlfriend/supply, “You don’t think I’m a sociopath do you? You don’t believe what she says about me, do you?”

Do you see the difference between asking ourselves and asking someone else?

Asking ourselves means we are interested in being better people and will take the question deeper and begin to deconstruct ourselves. If we discover we have bad habits that need tending to (count on uncovering many), we’ll begin seeking out the steps we need to take to rid ourselves of our character flaws.

We check ourselves so we don’t continue wrecking ourselves and our relationships.

On the other hand, a sociopath never seeks internal answers. Sociopaths asks others for answers just to hear and gain immediate supply:

“Oh my goodness, no!! You are not a sociopath! Don’t worry about what she says. I think she’s just jealous and angry that you don’t want her anymore.”

And once the sociopath hears this, he’s satisfied. He might even get hugs, kisses and sex immediately following what his current supply misinterprets as the sociopath’s concern he could be harming someone:

“He’s so sensitive and caring! How could someone be so cruel as to call him a sociopath! He’d never hurt anyone. He loves animals. He even adopted a dog with me!!”

(Meh. You’ll find out soon enough, my dear.)

The sociopath doesn’t need to worry about being a sociopath, because the new people circulating around him certainly don’t think he’s mean and evil. Shoot! The sociopath becomes more sociopathic the moment he casts aside the “insensitive” claim made by his victim.

The sociopath will NEVER internally confront the accusation of being a sociopath. It’s the built-in irony of the sociopath. For all of the glances he makes in the mirror, it’s always distorted, just the way the sociopath likes to keep it.

So do not count on the sociopath to ever admit to being pathological. The only ones who do that are the ones who get caught for criminal offenses or do something outwardly crooked. They’ll use a mental-health diagnosis to their benefit in such cases.

Once cornered, they’ll claim childhood sexual abuse. Or they’ll claim that they were once a victim of a sociopath in their past. They’ll ramp up the pity party. And there will be plenty of people waiting to give him the pity and support he desperately needs. And this pity and support is a vile form of enabling.

The sociopath keeps on being who and what he’s always been. No need to change. No need to worry about a need to change, either.

Very unlike their victims, because none of the victims/survivors of sociopathic abuse emerge unchanged. None of us.

So unless you’re walking around behaving just as you behaved before the sociopath and only spewing hate and vile for the sociopath and what he did to you, you have no reason to worry about being a heartless, conscienceless piece of trash.

Okay?

Don’t get stuck in that thinking. Get moving in a better and more peaceful direction. Just asking yourself the question indicates you are a person that embraces life and desires to be a good person and not cause harm to anyone you come into contact.

Namaste!
~Paula

© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications.

(Image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/72128031501898024/)

Pistorius, Jealousy, and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies of the Narcissistic Sociopath

jealousy and pistoriusNarcissistic Sociopath’s single-handedly destroy their lives through paranoia and jealousy. As more and more news is being leaked to the press, it seems Oscar Pistorius is no better than the common douche bags across the globe (like the boy in my story) who abuse and lash out at their partners. An olympic athlete jealous of his girlfriend’s relationship with a rugby player? Sure. Believe it. Having close friends outside the “romance” is just the thing that sets off these cowards. But it’s going to be a tough nugget for many supporters to swallow, since Pistorius happens to have a couple of medals to flash in front of our eyes in hopes of blinding us to his true nature.

Narcissistic sociopaths can’t leave well enough alone and believe the people in their lives when they tell them they are “just friends” with someone. Why? Because a narcissistic sociopath can’t trust himself. How is he expected to trust anyone else?

Sociopaths are the Kings and Queens of self-fulfilling prophecies: their biggest fears become reality quickly. Sociopaths suspect the worst and repeatedly accuse their intimate partners and spouses of acting in despicable ways.

“You whore! I know you’re sleeping with X, Y, and Z when I’m not around. Why else would you be friends with such losers who have nothing to offer you?”

Over time and worn down by the increasing delusions of the sociopath, these partners finally just give up and relent. It’s too tiresome, otherwise, to continue our attempts at defending ourselves and our intentions. We allow the sociopath to think what he wants to think. Unfortunately, as soon as we think we have disengaged, the real fight for our lives and spirits begins.

I think many of us who have experienced similar can imagine the nightmare that was Reeva Steenkamp’s last moments. The rage, the anger, the begging, and the pleading. Even if Oscar Pestorius is never diagnosed with having a pathological personality disorder, he behaved as if his dark side was met with little to no resistance by the “idol” so many had cheered to victory in the past. Such a shame.

As I have noted in the past, a narcissistic sociopath can take the most innocent of behaviors (like being friends with someone) and twist it into something dark, dirty, and shameful. Being a good person and having good and loving friends and family is the narcissistic sociopath’s biggest enemy and source of rage and disgust. As soon as the green-eyed monster of jealousy rears its ugly head, kick these fools to the curb. Who cares if he/she happens to be a well-respected athlete or business owner? They’re pieces of trash capable of murdering you. If you think that’s harsh, lucky you. You’ve never looked evil in the eye.

Pistorius murder charge: Was Reeva Steenkamp shot over “close friendship” with Oscar’s rugby hunk pal?

Why the sociopathic boy is like Josh Powell (in my opinion)

Susan Powell and her boysIn early February 2012, I began writing my story of abuse and eventual escape from the boy, the sociopath in my book. One of the reasons I started writing and telling my story was because I had a sinking, gut feeling that if the boy wasn’t stopped, he could one day do exactly what Josh Powell had done to his family. Murder them!

If you are unfamiliar with the Powell’s story, I provide their story below (taken from abcnews.go.com) interjected with parallels and comparisons (in red italics) of my life with and knowledge of the boy.*


Josh Powell and Susan Cox, each the children of churchgoing families, met at a church function. They were engaged when Susan was just 19 and married in 2001.

“At the very beginning they were, you know, happy, holding hands, hugging, kissing each other,” said Susan Powell’s sister, Denise Cox. “You thought [they were] a perfect couple, a very happy couple.”

The boy was always very affectionate with me in public in the early stages of our relationship, and he often proclaimed to me and others that our love story was THE PERFECT love story that I should write about it one day. Many of his friends agreed that he had finally found his soul mate, THE ONE who would make him happy forever.

Those who knew Susan Powell said she was warm and open — qualities that endeared her to her neighbors in West Valley City, Utah, where the couple had settled several years after their marriage. Josh Powell was not as popular.

“We all love Susan and we tolerate Josh because he comes along. It’s part of the package — that’s how most people felt,” former Powell neighbor John Hallewell told “Nightline” recently. “She was always worrying about other people, where Josh was always the opposite. He was only ever concerned about himself, which made things, sometimes, a little difficult.”

After I escaped the boy, my sisters, family, and friends told me how they really felt about him. Many used the words “controlling” and “manipulative” to describe him. Others used words like “needy” and “crass” and “rude” and “obnoxious.” I laugh now, but one friend even described the boy as someone they wouldn’t cry over if he got hit by a city bus. Everyone agreed that when the boy started to talk, they couldn’t wait for him to stop talking.

Susan Powell’s parents, Chuck and Judy Cox, found it strange when Josh Powell refused to drive his wife to the hospital when she went into labor with their first child, insisting that her parents take her instead because he had to finish something.

He finally did show up at the hospital two hours later.

“And what he had to do was, he wanted to back up his hard drive before he left,” Chuck Cox said.

Thankfully, I did not have a child with the boy. However, I did suffer a miscarriage which he convinced me was my fault do to my drinking, my depression, and my lack of interest in wanting a child with him to begin with. He was convinced I somehow wished the child dead because I didn’t love him the way he NEEDED to be loved. Delusional.

After escaping the boy, my family and friends expressed their overwhelming relief. They worried that if I had stayed with him, married him, and had his child that the boy would isolate me further and eventually have me committed to a mental health hospital.

Graves said she watched as her younger brother, Josh Powell, “faded out.”

“As the, the years progressed, I saw him go downhill, you know, slowly at first,” she said. “He kind of just regressed a little bit. And then the last few years before Susan’s disappearance, it just seemed to accelerate and he seemed to get worse and worse.”

The boy’s abuse and control was slow and insidious. Toward the end, right before I left, I witnessed a crack. The day I moved into his home, he helped me move in my boxes and my things. As more and more of my things started piling up taking over more and more of “his” space, I visually watched his face change and grimace and crease, like a shape-shifter from a horror film. At one point during the move, I stopped him in the kitchen and asked, “Are you sure this is what you want? You want a life with me and my son? You seem to be burdened right now. Or am I just paranoid and imagining things?” The boy claimed he was fine and that I was just imagining it. He was just tired, the boy explained. I wasn’t convinced. I kept my guard up. Thankfully.

Friends said Josh Powell became so controlling of his wife, it became legendary among those who knew them. She had to get his permission just to use the family car and had to follow a strict procedure in order to spend any money.

“He would give Susan an amount of money — and on grocery shopping, he also had a spreadsheet that she was to look at through ads and find the cheapest price of things,” said a friend, Michelle Oreno. “When she went shopping, she came home and she had to enter every single item into that spreadsheet. And if she spent more than a couple of cents more on a can of beans, Josh would really yell at her and get angry.”

Josh Powell wouldn’t even let his wife spend money on socks, insisting she knit them instead, said Denise Cox.

Luckily, I was not married to the boy and made my own money. I paid for my own car expenses, gas, clothes, insurance, student loans, food, and other expenses. The boy hated that I wasn’t more dependent upon him. He insisted that he help me with my expenses by adding me to his cell phone account. He said it would save us both money. In my naiveté, I agreed, not realizing he wanted to have me on his account so he could read and access my text messages and my phone log. He was monitoring my phone activity daily through AT&T’s online account system. Even though I secured my actual phone with a pass code, the boy could STILL access my phone log. It was torturous for the boy to see that the only other man I called or texted on a daily basis was my son’s father. It drove him bonkers knowing I was talking to a man I had married and now shared co-parenting responsibilities. The boy accused me daily of sleeping with my son’s father “every free chance” I got and that I would surely leave him one day and go back to my son’s father. Wow! Can we say masochistic and self-fulfilling prophecy? 

She said her sister considered leaving Josh Powell but didn’t do so for fear of what would happen to the couple’s two children, Charles and Braden.

“When I told her to leave with the kids, she told me that he had told her, ‘Over my dead body will you have those boys. They’re mine,'” Denise Cox said. “The boys were a possession to him. They were his possessions.”

Again, I didn’t have a child with the boy (thank you GOD!) But he had a dog he purchased with his previous live-in girlfriend. He admitted that it took him a long time to finally “kick her out” because he feared she would want to take the Shih-Tzu. Even though the dog had been originally purchased for her, the boy became closer to the animal because he rarely worked and was home more to take care of the puppy. He got attached. He got obsessed with this poor dog because the dog was this living and breathing thing that the boy had complete and utter control over. He WAS this animal’s master. And he used the dog to control EVERYONE in his life. Believe the myth that the way a person treats his dog and uses his dog against others is an indication of how he will treat and use his own children. If a man is possessive and controlling of his dog, he will be possessive and controlling of his child. I envisioned a sweet little girl being forced to do as Daddy says or else. Children have their own minds and they grow up and start using their minds. They aren’t like pets who remain dependent for life. His child would have surely grown to hate him. I’m certain of that. Who would want to bring a child into this world that would grow to hate her own father?

Josh Powell wasn’t the only man creating havoc in Susan Powell’s life. She told friends her father-in-law, Steven Powell, made a pass at her and tried to fondle her chest.

Susan Powell’s friends told “20/20” that Josh Powell didn’t defend his wife against his father.

“They had a very heated argument about Steve where she was talking about him and Josh would kind of excuse him, [saying], ‘That’s just my dad. You’re blowing things out of proportion,'” Oreno said.

It wasn’t the boy’s father I was worried about. I was worried about his mother. She dressed up as a witch for Halloween every year, and the only thing different about Halloween and any other time of the year is that she wore the costume in October. She was the boy’s accomplice in many of his strange rules and controlling behavior. And she FOOLED a lot of people. She hid behind a deep, dark family secret (which I won’t tastelessly expose here). I refused to trust this woman with ANY of my personal feelings about ANYTHING. After all, I know what she did to and how she talked about his ex before me.

Josh Powell himself may have suffered at his father’s hands.

In my opinion, oh, never mind.

Documents obtained by “20/20” from Steven Powell’s 1992 divorce from his wife, Terrica Powell, paint a disturbing picture of Josh Powell as a severely troubled teenager under the thumb of an abusive father.

Terrica Powell wrote that Josh was exposed to pornography by his father at a young age, that he once tried to commit suicide during his early years and, most shockingly, he threatened his mother with a butcher’s knife after she asked him to do the dishes.

The boy’s mother ran a little street kiosk in the streets of Mar Del Plata, Argentina when the boy was a pre-teen. The boy claims someone fondled him in this kiosk while his mother was oblivious to what the man was trying to do. I find the story almost difficult to believe. I, however, believe SOMEONE had been fondled in that kiosk. I do not believe it was the boy. I believe he over heard this story about another little boy in that kiosk. Another little boy he knew. Another little boy his family knew. But that is JUST my opinion based on my perceptions of how he told his story. (Again, I am a just a deranged drunk and highly depressed, so I have no idea what I am talking about.)

She said Josh Powell’s father had “explosive behavior” — including severe spankings — that hurt the son. Yet, the teen also sought his father’s attention and approval.

Terrica Powell declined a request for an interview.

No one in the boy’s family would ever talk to anyone, even if a murder is ever committed. They are all in denial and are all delusional, in my opinion. They will just flee to Argentina. 

Josh Powell claimed his wife had her own faults. In a 2011 interview with “Good Morning America,” he accused her of erratic behavior and said she once left the house in her underwear.

Josh Powell tells a really good half-story, doesn’t he? So does the boy. He liked to tell his family and friends that I also went nuts one night, threw a chair at him, and left his house without my shoes, my purse, or a coat. He forgot to mention what led to this:

It was near Christmas. I received an out-of-the-blue text from a friend, a male friend, wishing me Merry Christmas. I began responding to the text when the boy stole my phone out of my hands. He held my phone above his head spewing hate at me and calling me a whore. I continuously jumped to try to reach my phone. Of course, I couldn’t reach it. He is 6’3″ and I am just 5’6″ a difference of 9 inches! Frustrated and angry, I grabbed a chair and threw it in his direction in hopes of distracting him enough to get my phone back. Instead of hitting him, it hit the wall. In his rage, he grabbed me and threw me outside in the snow without my shoes or my coat (or my phone). I had my car keys in my pocket and drove off. I was deemed crazy by the boy after this incident. Why would I be so crazy and violent and throw a chair at his wall? Why would I leave without my shoes? Why would I leave without my driver’s license, purse, belongings? I MUST be crazy to do such a thing. And domestic violence is “tasteless.”

He defended himself, too.

“People who know me know that I’m a good dad,” he said. “I work hard. I put my sons first. I was a good husband. I took care of my family.”

The boy talks like this, too. He tells his friends that all he ever did was love me. He has a home and a car and takes care of his dog. He’s a good dog owner and was a good boyfriend, DAMMIT!

Still, years after his parents’ marriage collapsed, Josh Powell was facing the meltdown of his own relationship.

Before Susan went missing in 2009, the couple had begun counseling, said Graves, but it wasn’t going well.

“It was clear to the counselor that there was no progress being made,” Graves said. “Josh wasn’t doing his part. And so the counselor was frustrated, Susan was frustrated. They weren’t getting anywhere.”

Graves believes that Susan Powell was finally ready to call it quits.

“I think her intent was that they were going to get a divorce,” she said. “If this last-ditch effort of counseling didn’t work, they were gonna get a divorce.”

I was too afraid to tell the boy of my plans. I knew weeks before I escaped that I was going to leave. But I allowed the relationship to deteriorate to the point that he would agree I was nuts and would leave me alone long enough to ‘let” me leave. The weeks leading up to my escape, I feared for my life and slept with a bread knife under my side of the bed. Who sleeps with a knife under their side of the bed? Crazy people, I guess, huh?

Susan Powell was reported missing Dec. 7, 2009, in Utah. Josh Powell was the only named person-of-interest in the disappearance, but he was never charged. He continually denied involvement in his wife’s disappearance and later moved himself and his sons to live with his father in Washington state.

If anything had happened to me or my son, the boy would have fled to Argentina. He and his Shih-Tzu sitting in first-class licking himself. 

The couple’s two sons were placed in the custody of Susan Powell’s parents after Steven Powell was arrested on charges of voyeurism and child pornography in September 2011. Steven Powell has denied the charges.

The boy continues to deny any abuses he inflicted upon me or my son. To him, everything he did or said to me was because I deserved it and asked for it. My son was a spoiled brat, and I was nothing but “a drunk whore and a bad mother” and deserved to be treated the way he treated me. But he tells his family and friends he loved me “so much” and loved my son and that all of my claims are the lies of a drunk and depressed woman. He’s upset with himself for putting up with me for as long as he did. (He is delusional!)

A judge ruled earlier this month that Josh Powell could not have custody of his sons until he underwent a psycho-sexual evaluation.

Powell attacked his sons with a hatchet before igniting an explosion in his home last weekend, killing himself and his boys, officials have said. Powell locked a social worker out of the home before the explosion.

The day I learned Josh Powell killed his children, was the day I realized that I HAD to keep writing and never, ever stop writing and sharing my story. How many Josh Powells of the world can we stop? If I can stop just one, I’ll feel all of my writing and efforts have not been in vain. The boy and his family have accused me of being tasteless and classless. If telling the truth is tasteless and classless, I am tasteless and classless!

May Susan and her children continue to rest in peace.


*Don’t try using this blog to put together the pieces of who the boy is. I have not used actual names of people, places, or animals. But some of you already know who he is because you know me and you met him. And some of you know who he is because he informed you about this blog thinking it was too incredible for anyone to believe. Thinking he could hide behind it and continue to declare me crazy and a drunk and depressed. Lucky you! I bet you don’t think it’s funny, though, do you? Not because you think I’m lying, but because you know the boy, and you know he is seriously disturbed. Hopefully, you won’t try hooking up any of your friends with the boy.

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