Becoming Numb to the Sociopath and Opening the Door to Survival

Open door to survival from sociopath abuse

Sociopaths repeatedly and effortlessly find loving and caring people.

Why and how do they do it?

First, Sociopaths need good people to camouflage their shittiness from the world. The more loving, giving, religious, charitable and/or respected their significant other, the more likely the sociopath will succeed in gaining his own reputation for being the same type of good person his significant other spent years establishing.

(Remember, sociopaths are the biggest and most successful cheaters on the planet! They can do it remorselessly and believe they deserve it and earned it honorably.)

Plus, the more people the sociopath’s significant other has surrounding her, the more protected the sociopath feels.

The delusional sociopath automatically considers his significant other’s friends his friends and will use them to cowardly hide behind while getting away with his insidious abuses.

(Think of churches, clubs, community service groups and even yoga studios and gyms where people come together to reach collective goals as a community or team.)

And sociopaths seem to have amazing radar for finding people like this, the absolute opposite of themselves.

Sociopaths hone in on and find the most empathic and forgiving individuals among us. They seek us out, because we serve as safe havens for the sociopath’s diabolical nature.

People who are natural nurturers. People who are good mothers or good fathers. People who take care of the emotional needs of friends and family. People who take on the burdens of the ones they love.

And people like this are not necessarily co-dependent.

Often times, people like this have gone their entire lives without falling prey to sociopaths. We have made friends, loved and lost and experienced the natural highs and lows of love and grief.

Victims of sociopaths aren’t relationship ignorant. We understand what healthy relationships should look like. We know love is about give and take. We also know that relationships take time, effort and work as the relationship grows and evolves.

Knowing this is one of the reasons many of us stuck around longer than we should. We held out hope that the sociopath understood love, too.

We thought the sociopath needed a little nudge and prodding in the right direction. We thought modeling patience and understanding is all the sociopath needed to awaken his sleeping compassion and empathy. So we practiced great patience with the sociopath . After all, we didn’t wish to seem cruel and unreasonable if we walked away abandoning the sociopath after just a few arguments and misunderstandings.

We gave the relationship, not necessarily the sociopath, many chances.

So, no, we were not all co-dependent. Entering the toxic relationship with the sociopath thrust us into behaving in ways characteristic of co-dependency.

We made excuses for the sociopath, and early in the relationship, we agreed with the sociopath when he claimed others didn’t like him because they were jealous of him.

This degree of co-dependency came from being with the sociopath too long. And we stayed too long because our nature dictated us to only look at the good despite the sociopath continuously pushing and destroying our boundaries, while simultaneously giving us empty apologies and false promises that he/she would change.

And because we are highly empathic and understand that love is patient, we gave the sociopath chance after chance to change his/her way of thinking about us. We held out hope that the sociopath’s demands and expectations of how we SHOULD love them would ease and align with reality.

(No one is perfect; we all make mistakes. Shaming and blaming and relentlessly pushing a person to the edge of sanity is not love.)

Unfortunately, the only thing that changed was our faith in ourselves. We interpreted the sociopath’s perpetual lack of understanding as our inability and failure to demonstrate our full capacity to love.

So we kept trying and prooving ourselves worthy. We gave the sociopath more and understanding than we had ever given to another human. Ever. And it still didn’t make a difference. The sociopath remained unchanged.

We exhausted ourselves to the point of losing sight of what real love looked like.

We lost our ability to overcome and mutually work through relationship issues and road blocks. We questioned our ability to love, care and forgive, because the sociopath relentlessly diminished us for reacting emotionally and normally to his hatefulness.

If the sociopath had his way, we would have simply submitted and allowed him to think and act just as he wished to think and act, regardless of the harm and abuse he inflicted.

The irony of the sociopath’s wish for us to stop reacting so emotionally lies in the simple fact that he coveted us in the beginning because we ARE so emotional and caring. If we had been void of emotions, we never would have attracted the sociopath into our lives in the first place.

So the more the sociopath demanded that we become like him and learn to relax and let things roll off our backs, the more we attempted to do that.

And what’s the first thing we started relaxing about? Yup. You guessed it. We started reacting less and less to the sociopath’s negative criticisms of us, and we submitted less and less to the sociopath’s whims.

And when we did this, the rage became even greater. Initially, this caused us great confusion:

“You asked me to stop caring so much, remember? You asked me to stop stressing and being so emotional. So I am trying.”

But we learned quickly that the sociopath is not only hateful, but he is also the biggest hypocrite we’ll ever encounter.

For the sociopath to remain happy and without rage, we must remain detached from our emotions unless those emotions somehow benefit the sociopath.

We must laugh, cry and get frustrated only when the sociopath deems those emotions necessary and just. All other emotions we feel are judged and vilified by the sociopath.

You see, any emotions or reactions we have must be born of the sociopath and only according to his will. The sociopath thrives on our emotional reactions to him. The sociopath feeds on the drama our emotions generate. So if we no longer reacted to him emotionally, he no longer received the drama he thrived; he lost his life source in us!

(The same principles that guide a schoolyard bully’s behaviors.)

In the sociopath’s delusional attempts to force us to become numb to all things that normally illicit emotional reactions in us, we also became numb to the sociopath and his manipulations.

The numbness overtook us one day, more than likely in the middle of one of the sociopath’s rages.

(What an insult to the sociopath’s nature!! How dare we become numb to him?!?!?)

Instead of fighting or running away like we had done so many times in the past, we sat emotionless and quietly “took it” instead.

Becoming numb is essentially the “freeze” mode of our “fight/flight/freeze” response to threatening situations. In our numbness, we fully rejected the drama that drove the sociopath’s behavior and abuses against us.

We didn’t realize it in the moment, but our ability to go numb was a beautifully disguised clue that we could survive without the sociopath’s approval and acceptance. We CAN detach. But we were too numb to understand this fact as it was happening.

Do you remember when you first became numb? It is not a sign of heartlessness. It’s a sign of strength and your ability to self-protect.

Our last resort is becoming numb and detached. It doesn’t feel good or natural to us. That’s why we question it.

But we realize, eventually, that becoming numb is not a heartless act. We finally learn what being heartless really is:

Heartless is cheating and manipulation.

Heartless is behaving and responding to those you claim to love without empathy, compassion or a conscience.

Heartless is driving another to detach from all others except oneself.

Heartless is the sociopath you escaped.

Namaste!
~Paula

(image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/185421709627994995/)

© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications.

Never-give-up

Never Give Up. ~ shared by Paula F.

Never-give-upThe following was shared by one of my Facebook page followers, Paula F. Her story reads like a miracle! She hopes her story will help inspire others to keep moving forward despite the overwhelming urge to give up…

As we all know, escaping is a long, scary, difficult journey. But it can also be the most wonderful growth experience anyone could have.

I feel led to share this part of my recovery where ever I can. I’m sorry it’s long, but I think it’s worth the read. I’ll start with a bit of my back story, but worry not, it turns positive.

In November, for the 11th and last time, I left a 16+ year extremely abusive marriage with a man-boy I believe to be, at the very least, a sociopath.

I ran while he was imprisoned for assaulting me and left with nothing but my son, my animals and my truck and very few possessions. I was broken and terrified but determined to save us.

We moved 500 miles away to kind-hearted people we barely knew, having no one else to turn to. Since November, we have been living in a 5th wheel with no water or power, behind a house that a dozen other people share, lots of toddlers too. It was chaotic and an increasingly difficult environment for me to deal with.

In April, my abuser was released from prison and, in violation of a no contact order AND a restraining order, contacted me and offered me back my home and all my possessions. I have come so far, my son is happier than ever, and I finally have too much self-respect to take that offer despite being as discouraged and in as difficult circumstances as I was. But I knew I had to do SOMETHING different as I was not moving forward.

So, instead of taking his offer, which in my heart I KNOW would allow him to undo all that I have done to recover from him, I took a huge leap of faith, left the place I was at and, facing homelessness, went to another, bigger city to look for housing and a job. I was able to get emergency homeless assistance for a motel room for 16 days. It runs out Tuesday. I have been busting my ass every single day, getting up at 6 a.m. and hunting for a place, applying for jobs, desperately clinging to my positivity, really trying my very hardest.

Friday, I woke up hurting (I have Fibromyalgia, PTSD, and Severe Anxiety Disorder) and discouraged, teary eyed, and afraid and fighting to hold on to the positive attitude I worked so hard to cultivate in myself, even through such hard times. I was thinking maybe my doctor and therapist were right; maybe it’s too soon to go back to work. Who would want me? And that after all my hard work to find a place to live and a job, I believed I had failed.

I prayed–what more could I do? I’d done everything I could, worked HARD, stayed positive as much as I could and now I was just stuck.

I was crying saying “What now? I did EVERYTHING I could, everything I thought I was led to do, everything I thought any higher power would want me to do. I worked my butt off, kept hope alive and my attitude right, trusted that what was meant to be would come to pass if I kept my eyes, ears, and heart open, doing all I could to find and follow up on every lead that came to me. Yet, here I am out of time, money and options, with a 13-year-old son depending on me! What do I do now?”

Well apparently the answer was, “Answer your phone” because it rang shortly after and within a couple hours everything I’d worked and prayed for came through.

Just when I’d decided to say screw it and hide in the covers and cry, I got a call about an apartment I applied for weeks ago and have gone back to follow up on 4 times. They finally approved me! So, I got up and got ready to go talk to the manager, feeling so good that I even called to follow up on the job I interviewed for Tuesday and left a message for the personnel manager thanking her for the opportunity to interview and saying I looked forward to the possibility of hearing from her.

Shortly after, I was in the manager’s office working on the rental contract, about to take a one-bedroom because I couldn’t afford a two-bedroom, when my cell phone rang and it was the personnel manager that I had left the message for. She offered me the job!! First job I interviewed for and I nailed it!! I just about FREAKED out right there in that office, and I took the 2-bedroom apartment, and I get to have my therapy dog there too!

As if that wasn’t awesome enough? A few minutes later my cell rang again and it was regarding the state government job I tested for Thursday. They want to interview me next week! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???? I am on cloud nine right now! I DID IT!!!! I actually did it! From broken, broke, homeless and nearing hopelessness; I picked myself up, sought the help I needed, listened to my heart and higher power, worked my ass off to change and put myself back together and make a life for my son and I and I SUCCEEDED!

If I can, anyone can! I went from homeless and unemployed to not just getting adequate shelter but getting a NICE place at a good price. From jobless to offered a great job for exactly the community organization that I most wanted to work for and still sought after for another, giving me options! I feel wonderful. Proud of myself. So very, very blessed and led to share and maybe touch at least one struggling soul with hope and encouragement.

Never give up! You are worth putting your all into all that you do. You are worthy and must forgive and love yourself! Your reward will come, maybe not as soon or easily as we’d like, but in ways you can’t imagine. Just don’t give up! Learn to love yourself and live with an attitude of gratitude and hope and a heart of love. Let your light shine and your path will be revealed. Your light may also illuminate something for others as well. And isn’t that the greatest gift and reward we can aspire to give or get? Thank you for allowing me to share.

Love, light, and hope to you all!

~Paula F.

(image source: daytobeyou.com/stay-strong/never-give-up-2/)

Beware the narcissistic sociopath disguised as your “Soul Mate”

Will You Be My Next Soul Mate?The idea of a soul mate is very romantic. To meet someone else in this world of billions who shares your same values, interests, desires, and goals is an exhilarating notion, don’t you think? It’s possible to meet someone who, at any given moment in time, is at the same place you are geographically and spiritually. But to think two people can remain on a joint wavelength over many, many years is, in my mind, a set up for failure. Yet, we continue to watch those silly movies that end in “happily ever after” and fool ourselves into thinking it’s real.

Enter the narcissistic sociopath. A master at making the magic SEEM real just long enough to send you spiraling into a fog. The following was written by Jennifer Smith, blogger at true love scam:

[The narcissist as our] “SOUL MATE” is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his ‘idealization’ of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde.

Why do they work so quickly? As noted in my previous post, narcissistic sociopaths can’t stand to be alone, and they fear being abandoned. At first, knowing this may make you want to pity such an unfortunate creature and help him change his attitude about life, love, and relationships. But don’t be fooled. The narcissist has no interest in changing. He subconsciously enjoys and feeds off of his own self-destructive nature.

On the surface, it doesn’t seem like that is possible. But once you start learning about his past relationships and how he coped by blaming “them” and not himself, you start to wonder. How could such a romantic and loving guy always end up losing the girl? Or falling out of love with her?

I have come to understand the following: the narcissist simply enjoys being in the throes of the newness of love. The newness of first meeting and the ego boost/narcissistic supply is intoxicating to him; and he blossoms at this stage (like we all do, right?) But the narcissist takes this stage to the extreme and foolishly believes and expects it to last for eternity. He creates and shares romantic visions of the future. He talks about growing old together. He puts his love interest on a pedestal. She is the most beautiful, the smartest, the best mother, the most ambitious. He never wants to leave her side or spend a night without her. And he says these things to her repeatedly, like a mantra or a prayer, that is meant to hypnotize her into full and complete submission. This is when he plants his seeds of control and domination, the foundation for future abuse.

The woman inhales and ingests his words. The words make her think he is a man who has spent his entire life looking for the perfect woman and has FINALLY found her. She is “The One.” She feels special. She feels unique. But little does she know that his words to her are the exact same words he used with every single woman who came before her. He used them on his first wife. He used them on his fiancée that he proposed to just days after he kicked his wife out of his house. He used them on the new woman he proposed to after he kicked his fiancée out of his house. And so on. There is NOTHING unique or exceptional about her, about YOU! The only thing unique and exceptional about you is that you came AFTER them. You are next in line. The narcissist never learned from his previous relationships. He may tell you he has and that he never makes the same mistake twice. That just means he never makes the same mistake twice with the same person. There’s a difference.

You are fresh and pure and filled with naiveté and ignorance about what is inevitably going to sneak up on you and slap you in the face. You are not his soul mate; you are not the one. You are his “right now” that he hopes he can control. The ones who came before you were crazy because they were out of his control. They weren’t “out of control” just out of HIS control. And to him that equals crazy. If you know who you are and like yourself, you’ll be the next one who becomes out of control. The next one he calls crazy. Just wait and see.

If the narcissistic sociopath’s idea of a soul mate is wrong, then what IS a Soul Mate?

  • A soul mate is a person who wants to be your best friend as much as he wants to be your lover.
  • A soul mate praises you when you need praise. A soul mate never tries to diminish your successes.
  • A soul mate doesn’t expect or even desire perfection. A soul mate accepts you as you are but encourages you if you seek to better yourself. A soul mate never says your efforts will be in vain.
  • A soul mate nurtures you when you need nurtured. A soul mate can sense when you are feeling weak and tries to lift you up. A soul mate doesn’t use your moment of weakness to bring you down further.
  • A soul mate never blames you for anything; instead, a soul mate helps you come up with a solution.
  • A soul mate allows you to blossom and pursue all of your interests even if it means making new friends and being separated for a little while. A soul mate never feels jealous of others you share a bond.
  • A soul mate respects your mind and respects your family and respects your past mistakes and past successes. A soul mate never belittles or shames you.
  • A soul mate sets you free and never tries to control who you talk to, where you shop, what you buy, when you buy it, how you dress, how you walk, how you love your children, or ANY action that makes you the person you were born to be.

A soul mate exists for each of us but it takes work, dedication, care, and lots and lots of patience and love for a “happily ever after.”

We create the magic in our own lives. It doesn’t just happen. Don’t be fooled by those pushy narcissists who have no idea how to love themselves let alone love another. Peace.

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