Take Back the Love the Sociopath Stole from You

Sociopaths have zero sense of identity, which is why they target individuals with strong beliefs, values and a moral compass, all of which sociopaths steal and wear as their own.

Keeping this in mind, it’s easy to see that when you fell in love with the sociopath, what you really fell in love with were your best qualities mirrored and reflected back at you.

So the love you thought you lost and wasted on the sociopath is still inside of you. You just need to redirect it back to yourself, the original and intended recipient.

Take back the love the sociopath stole and hoarded as his/her own. It was never meant for the sociopath in the first place. It was always meant for you.

Namaste!
Paula Carrasquillo
yogi. author. advocate.

Can you spot it? The sociopath as predatory chameleon

Those pesky buggers!

In the aftermath of sociopath abuse, we become bewildered and confused for many reasons. The source of our greatest confusion is the sociopath’s ability to “recover” so quickly and move on to his/her next and then the next and then the next soul mate.

(“Must be exhausting!” was my initial reaction to the boy’s endless, revolving door of victims who came before, during and after me.)

Unfortunately, we sabotage our recovery, because we have a tendency to judge ourselves against the qualities of all of these new girlfriends and/or boyfriends, when, instead, we should be examining and applying what we know about sociopaths to the sociopath.

The sociopath is not the same person he/she was when the sociopath was with you and seems like the absolute perfect and ideal match for the new significant other, a.k.a. the new victim, right? Well, what you observe is true. The sociopath is different, because the sociopath is no longer mirroring your values but is now mirroring the values of the new supply.

It’s perplexing at best:

>>You wonder how someone can turn off and on values (and many times conflicting and polar opposite values) so quickly.

>>You wonder how you could have been so blind to the sociopath’s mask and false character for so long.

>>You beat yourself up thinking the sociopath is different today because you didn’t allow the sociopath room to grow inside the relationship.

>>You keep thinking the sociopath is right about you and that the sociopath wasn’t happy with you because you made the sociopath unhappy.

>>You question if the sociopath is even a sociopath. After all, the new girlfriend/boyfriend seems awfully happy and so does the sociopath.

Remember that sociopaths are predatory chameleons. They have no identity and no values and must take on the values of their new victim to blend in with the new victim’s surroundings (including their friends and family). Seeing this “miracle” makes the victim that got away (you!) wish you hadn’t gotten away.

How absolutely absurd, right? You do not want to be back in that place, do you? That place where every action and desire you had was judged and placed under a microscope, right? Where you didn’t know from day to day if your choices would be accepted, rejected or used to shame you. Where life could sometimes feel euphoric and then suddenly feel like a dungeon. Where everything floated in uncertainty, denial and hopelessness.

You do not want to be back in that place. Of that I am certain.

Rejoice in the fact that you are no longer tangled inside that web. Rejoice that you have values that helped you wake up from the haze and fog the sociopath used to hypnotize you.

The sociopath didn’t suddenly change overnight. The only thing that changed overnight was the sociopath’s target. And the best way to attract and entrap a target is by looking and acting and taking on the values, interests and concerns of the new target. It’s how you were lured, remember?

The sociopath does not change.

It’s only a matter of time before the sociopath’s latest soul mate and circle of friends catch on and make their escape. The cycle will continue, and the sociopath will once again be forced to smear those people and frolic about altering his/her values to blend in and fit inside a new crowd of unsuspecting victims.

What a hell of a life, huh? Must be exhausting to have no identity of one’s own.

Namaste!
~Paula Carrasquillo, author of Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath

Losing our identity and fading away under the sociopath’s diabolical spell

Everything about the toxic relationship was guided and directed by the sociopath’s perpetual gaslighting, shaming and blaming. According to him, he was always MY victim, and I never loved him and never appreciated him…ever.

Unfortunately, I played into the mind games and subtle abuse that slowly and insidiously chipped away at my confidence and my core beliefs. By the end of the relationship, I was a bundle of nerves and chaos. I didn’t know if I was good or evil. I questioned everything and every idea I had about who I was and how I ended up where I ended up. If you believe that life gives us what we ask for, I guess I was nothing but a pathetic masochist. But truly, who asks for this and perpetuates it willingly?

I’ll give an example of his subtle mental and emotional abuse techniques. The scenario that follows illustrates how quickly, ruthlessly and seamlessly the sociopath moves between the roles of savior, persecutor and victim.

(The following may be triggering for many who experienced similar crazy-making.)

I am certified and trained to teach English as a Second or Other Language (ESOL) and to tutor individuals studying to take their GED. After searching, researching and finally deciding on volunteering for a local non-profit in need of tutors, I called the sociopath to discuss my decision and determine which evenings worked best. Immediately, he lashed out at me.

Sociopath: “How could you make such a decision without consulting me first?”

Me: [confused] “I am consulting you. I haven’t confirmed anything with the organization.”

Sociopath: “You’re lying! You did all of that research without asking me first.”

Me: [more confused] “I’m not sure what you mean. I mentioned to you my desire to tutor and you thought it was very generous of me to volunteer.”

Sociopath: [avoiding my factual statement] “You are putting us at risk by working with THOSE people. You’re putting your child at risk. These people are drug dealers and users. What kind of mother puts her child at risk on purpose? You’re being careless and stupid.”

Me: [confused because I hadn’t even mentioned to him the profile of the students I would be assisting] “That’s not true. You don’t know that.”

Sociopath: [elevated and angry voice] “YOU TOLD ME THESE PEOPLE YOU HELP ARE AT-RISK.”

Me: [realizing he had misunderstood what I meant by at-risk, I attempted to clarify] “I’m sorry. At-risk doesn’t mean they’ve done something bad, specifically. It means…”

Sociopath: [interrupting with elevated and angry and breathless voice] “Don’t tell me I’m stupid! Don’t lie to me now. You are such a liar! You are so selfish! How could you do this to me? I love you so much and you choose to waste your evening helping THOSE people!?”

Me: [confused and wishing I could explain to him that my choice to help these people isn’t to take away time from US] “That’s just silly. Helping and volunteering makes me happy. I want to see these people succeed. I can show you the statistics that support…”

Sociopath: [interrupting me again with more anger and vile in his language] “You fucking ungrateful bitch! You’re going to choose THOSE people over me? Because if you choose THOSE people, I’m gone.”

This conversation occurred 2 years into the 3-year relationship. Luckily, this conversation happened over the phone; I still had my own place and was not living with the sociopath. I was able to stand my ground…at first.

I told him that if he was forcing me to make such a ridiculous choice, I’d gladly choose helping THOSE people over being subjected to his childish and unfair attacks.

(I was still very much under the impression that he simply needed to learn more about the volunteer work I was doing and that he’d eventually come to terms with it and welcome my decision.)

Instead, the sociopath just began to cry wildly on the other side of the phone…wailing into the receiver.

“I can’t believe you’d do this to me! I love you so much!!! So Muuuuch! Sooooo muuuuuuch!”

All I could hear for several minutes was him crying and sobbing through the phone. It was so loud and so prolonged, I was unable to console him or attempt to interject. I felt incredible responsible and guilty.

It was MY FAULT he was in so much pain. I wanted his pain to stop. I gave up tutoring.

Namaste!
~Paula

(Image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/96334879500566143/)