Communication: Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships

20130122-142351.jpgYour relationship seems wrought with arguments. You wonder often if there is something wrong with you or if it’s your partner. Are you the loser? Is your partner the loser? Are you both losers? It’s not an easy determination to make. It’s difficult to be in a relationship and also be able to analyze the relationship objectively.

I’ll share some Loser Moves the boy in my story often used that you might want to look out for the next time you’re trapped in an argument with your significant other.

Loser Move #1 – Immediate Judgment
Your phone rings. You don’t answer it. Your partner asks why. You say because you weren’t in the mood to talk to your sister and you’ll call her back later. He immediately wants to see your phone because he doesn’t believe you. He thinks it’s some guy you’re trying to keep secret.

Loser Move #2 – Name-Calling
You refuse to show him your phone because his accusations are absurd. He calls you a liar. He calls you a whore. He says you can’t be trusted.

Loser Move #3 – The Blame Game
You tell him that he’s being unreasonable and you try walking away. You don’t want to fight over a phone call. He says he wouldn’t fight if you hadn’t made him suspicious in the first place. Not answering your phone was suspicious, and it’s your fault he’s angry.

Loser Move #4 – If You Really Loved Me!
You start to walk away. He cries, “If you really loved me you would show me your phone and prove me wrong.” You don’t show him your phone because you know that if he loved you he’d trust you.

Loser Move #5 – The Silent Treatment
He completely shuts down, turns up the television, and ignores you. You ask him if he wants dessert because you’re dishing out some ice cream for yourself. He doesn’t answer you. You ask him to please answer you. He ignores you. You go about your business.

Loser Move #6 – Gas lighting
He turns down the TV and walks toward the table where you’re eating your ice cream. With his hand resting on his hip, he asks you why you didn’t ask him if he wanted any. You say that you did ask him. He says you didn’t. You explain that he might not have heard you because the TV was so loud. He says the TV wasn’t that loud; you didn’t ask him.

Loser Move #7 – Demand for an Apology
He tells you he deserves an apology for your inconsiderateness. You start feeling guilty because you realize you could have walked up to him and asked him instead of shouting across the kitchen and into the living room. You feel a little guilty and ashamed. You tell him you’re sorry.

Loser Move #8 – Straw-Man Defense
After apologizing, he says, “See, so you should have just shown me your phone when I asked you to show it to me. You are obviously ashamed. Who is the guy who is calling you?” You sit there puzzled and confused and begin to explain that you apologized for not serving him ice cream. You still aren’t sorry that you didn’t show him your phone. He should trust that it was your sister. You have given him no reason to believe otherwise.

Loser Move #9 – Playing the Victim
He begins to breakdown, “You don’t love me. You don’t understand that I NEED you to love me. I NEED you. You are my soul mate. You are the love of my life. You are the only one for me. You make me feel so unwanted. You are so cruel to me. All I ever wanted was for you to love me.” You sit dumbfounded as the tears roll down his cheek. You say, “Are you serious? You started this argument because you didn’t trust me when I said the call was from my sister. How is all of this my fault now? Look what you did to get us to this point.”

Loser Move #10– The Rage
He doesn’t like the idea of looking at himself. Instead, he screams, “Get the F#@% out of MY house!!!” Again, you are dumbfounded. You just stand there. He screams more expletives and calls you more names and finally you find yourself on the outside of the house with no shoes, no purse, and nowhere to go.

A healthy relationship doesn’t look like that ^^^^!!

Here is what a healthy relationship looks like:

Your phone rings. You don’t answer it. Your partner asks why. You say because you weren’t in the mood to talk to your sister and you’ll call her back later. Your partner says, “Okay. Let’s have some ice cream!”

Life is so simple if we allow it to be. Namaste!

“Losers lose things.”

20130117-172114.jpgNarcissistic sociopaths lack empathy and remorse for the negative consequences of their actions. Scratch that. They lack empathy and remorse, period. And they are unable to see their actions as innately negative. The sociopath in your life will tell you that you chose to be upset. You chose to react negatively. You chose to cry. You chose to get depressed. The sociopath will tell you that he’s just being honest and you can’t handle the truth. You can’t face reality. You can’t set aside your emotions and accept the shit sandwich he has served you.

Fine. I accept that. I am accountable for my own emotions. I should not have eaten the shit sandwich in the first place. I should have tossed it in the trash at first sight, first smell. Therefore, I choose NOT to be manipulated into a life of lies, guilt, and shame that go along with cohabitating or working with a sociopath. I choose NOT to deal with these types. In so choosing, I eliminate the negative energy their refusal to be accountable wreaks on those in close proximity. Because if they aren’t accountable, the people left in their lives to pick up the pieces are ultimately accountable and to blame for the sociopaths bad behavior. It’s a tricky little game sociopaths play. Psychology calls it projection and transference. I call it being a loser.

“Losers lose things,” proclaimed a very good friend and blog follower a few months ago. I have never forgotten this due to its simplicity and truth. People left behind to pick up the pieces eventually get tired of the game and walk away, and the Sociopath ultimately loses EVERYTHING!

Sociopaths are the BIGGEST LOSERS:

They lose friends.
They lose family.
They lose trust.
They lose respect.
They lose.

But to a sociopath, when all is lost, they view their life as a clean slate. This approach to life and loss seems positive and very Zen at first glance, doesn’t it? We encourage loved ones to put the past behind them, to look on the bright side, and to move forward. We encourage friends not to worry too much about things. But a sociopath misses the most vital step in wiping their slate clean: they never practice introspection.

Failing to take this step leads sociopaths to make the same mistakes over and over and over again. They lose, lose, and lose again. They never truly let go, move forward, and begin again, because sociopaths lack the ability to look within. Looking within shines light upon a darkness the sociopath has spent a lifetime burying. If they looked within… (I can’t finish that thought because it would be a vain attempt at fantasy.)

Therefore, without the exercise of looking within, the clean slate comes fast and easy to the sociopath. REALLY easy. With a clean slate, they can begin again with a new family, new friends, new trust, and new respect. The cycle is never-ending. They always lose.

If you’re a sociopath reading this post, pace yourself. One day you will die. If you time your last cycle right, when you take your last breath, you will be surrounded by the tears of the last group of “emotionally inadequate” family and friends you fooled into thinking you were human. But crying over you is a good emotion, right, Sociopath? Crying for you is different because you are the center of the universe. I got it. I also get that you created that rule, and you aren’t being hypocritical. I get it. We all get it.

Losers.

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