Letting go of the unnatural shame in the aftermath of sociopath abuse

Sociopaths/Psychopaths/Narcissists are not mentally ill. They are not sick. On the contrary, these individuals are disordered. Disorders can’t be treated with therapy, medication, or other treatments. Sociopaths can’t be made non-disordered.

Sociopathy is a disorder, a condition, a state of being. To the sociopath, their state of being is natural–controlling others, manipulating every situation, pretending to be good and just, mirroring the behaviors of those they covet and want to become–these behaviors are their normal.

Their state of normal behavior is abnormal to the rest of us, the non-disordered. We do not seek or find pleasure and satisfaction in controlling others. We do not enjoy manipulating people to like us. We do not like being fake or insincere. We find grandiose gestures of importance in others repulsive. We are always questioning if we are being true to ourselves and if we are being fair to those we love. We are accountable.

Sociopaths are not accountable. Sociopaths do not care how they affect others as long as others do not question them. The sociopath abhors when we, the non-disordered, refuse to be controlled and manipulated and start asking questions like, “Why did you do that? It doesn’t seem right or natural.” When asked these questions, the sociopath’s disordered “balance” becomes imbalanced. When out-of-balance, the sociopath’s mask slips, he rages, he projects, he shames and blames. More importantly, when we start asking our questions, that’s when the sociopath immediately labels us mentally ill and sick. The sociopath’s default is to demean, minimize, and unfairly dismiss all of our questions instead of considering our criticism and looking within themselves for the answers.

(Perhaps sociopaths do peek at the answer inside of them and sharing the answer frightens the sociopath too much. The answer is so base and primordial. Sociopaths do not want that label! The answer to any questions is always, “Because I don’t care. That’s why I say and do those things.” Answering us in such a way would result in exactly what the sociopath fears the most: abandonment and excommunication.)

Remember this. Only a disordered person will have as their default the need to label you as sick or ill just for questioning and refusing to be oppressed.

Non-disordered and non-mentally ill people do not do that.

Instead, when our behavior is questioned, we immediately feel shame and engage our empathy to understand how we hurt someone, how we can fix it so we don’t hurt them again, and then, despite changing, continue to carry around the guilt and shame.

This is a deadly trait when in a relationship with a sociopath. We know this to be true, because we repeatedly adjusted and changed our behavior and personality to fit into the disordered world of the sociopath’s. The longer we stayed, the more we became and behaved like the sociopath and the more our shame grew and festered.

To undo this insidious assault on our natural state of being takes time and the strength to accept that we did what we did and behaved as we behaved while under the sociopath’s spell because we truly believed we were changing in order to please the one we loved. We truly believed we were somehow sick, ill, and disordered.

We weren’t. We aren’t. And we can undo the damage as long as we learn to let go of the shame and blame that keeps us from reaching our joy. Letting go of that unnatural shame and blame is necessary, but it’s a frightening prospect. Once we release it, however, we soon realize that the shame we were holding onto in relationship to the sociopath was misguided shame and blame, and our body, mind, and spirit are not and have never been served by holding onto it.

Let go of the misguided shame. Keep telling yourself it is misguided and is only holding you back and keeping you from experiencing true joy and true happiness.

Namaste!
~Paula

The covetous sociopath type: The boy to a “T”

Sociopath with a pacifierCOVETOUS SOCIOPATH, PSYCHOPATH, ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITY TYPEFeels deliberately deprived & denied, rapacious, very greedy, jealous, envious, begrudging, endlessly yearning, seeks retribution. Finds pleasure in actual taking more than having.

I have read, studied, researched, put to the test, and read some more on just about everything I can get my hands on related to narcissists and sociopaths. I spent 11 months (from late March 2011 to late February 2012) trying to disprove my own findings supporting the fact that the boy whom I escaped is a sociopath.

I did not want to believe I had fallen victim to such evil. I did not want to believe that I had introduced family, friends, and (most of all) my son to such a disgusting excuse for a human being. But I did. And the mental confusion and anguish took its toll.

In my research, I have focused on the branch of psychiatry known as social psychiatry. Social psychiatry studies the interpersonal and social/cultural context of the occurrences of mental disorders and well-being and uses training techniques and perspectives of fields such as social anthropology, social psychology, cultural psychiatry, sociology. (Social psychiatry contrasts with biopsychiatry which focuses on genetics, brain neurochemistry, and medication.) I’m not interested in “why” sociopaths exists as much as I’m interested in knowing where and how to spot them and avoid them at all costs.

To me, it is far more valuable for the non-mental health disordered members of a society (like me) to understand how to recognize the destructive and mentally disordered members of society (like the boy).  Delusional and mentally disordered individuals are incurable. They don’t even recognize they are majorly flawed. When a healthy person comes into contact with people like the boy, that healthy person soon becomes unhealthy and appears to be the “crazy” one because a healthy person reacts in the fight/flight/freeze mode to a mentally disordered person’s abnormal behavior. So, when a healthy person fiercely lashes out verbally at the unhealthy and abnormal behavior and communication strategies of a sociopath, we are deemed the ones who are unstable. How convenient for the sociopaths like the boy, huh?

Case in point…

Christmas 2010. The boy and I went to Toys R Us to look for gifts for my son who was 5 at the time. We walked to the learning games section where Leapfrogs and similar products were stocked. Staring at the huge selection, I couldn’t remember if my son’s father had already purchased something I was interested in buying, so I looked at the boy and said, “I’m going to call his dad and see if he already bought this. Would you help me look for book XXX?” The boy nods with what I translate to be a “yes.” I dial my son’s dad on my cell and have a short and sweet conversation lasting less than a minute. Less. Than. A. Minute.

I put away my phone and turn to speak to the boy, but he’s not there. I go to the next aisle. He’s not there, either. I walk up and down the aisles in this section but can not find him anywhere. I walk to the front of the store toward the cash registers. (This is a HUGE Toys R Us.) I see the boy standing over by some dolls in the girl’s section.

I walk up to him frustrated and demand, “Why did you walk away from me? You said you would help me? What is wrong with you? I have been searching up and down the aisles trying to find you? What are you doing?”

In typical delusional fashion, the boy screams, “Don’t talk to me like that! I was looking for something for my niece. You have no right to talk to me like that!” Then he walks out of the store. I walk to the registers. I had toys to buy. I wasn’t dealing with the boy’s childish mind games.

I purchased my son’s gifts, walked to the car expecting to see the boy waiting there, but discovered he was nowhere in sight. I got into my car and drove around the shopping center, the nearby neighborhoods, and finally gave up looking for the boy and drove back to the boy’s house. I “wasted” more than 30 minutes in search of a grown man who was acting more like a 5-year-old than my 5-year-old.

I pull up to the boy’s house, park, and enter through the side door. What do you know?! He was sitting all cozy on his sofa with his dog on his lap licking himself. (The dog was licking himself, not the boy. Hehehe!) Hmmm?

I immediately scream at him that he shouldn’t just walk away and not tell someone where he is going. Silence. More silence. He continues to ignore me, giving me the silent treatment. I wanted to scream. I wanted to leave. I couldn’t take dealing with this fucker ignoring me and trying, in his silence, to punish me for his own childish behavior.

You see, he walked away from me in the store because he WANTED me to get upset with him and yell at him in order to accuse me of being hateful. But it was out of his own self-hatred that he projects onto me and my son that my disgust for his actions manifested. My attention was being taken away from him in the store when I called my son’s father. He HATED that I was focused so much on my son and buying gifts for my son. His narcissistic supply was drained that day, and he knew exactly how to get more. And he got it, just like a child who drops his pacifier and cries until someone comes along and gives it back to him.

I should have walked away from the boy’s demented life that day and left him to find another pacifier, another healthy woman to drain. But I waited a few more weeks.

(He never did buy a doll for his niece that Christmas, by the way. Another controlling distraction created by his delusional mind.)

(source: http://depressiond.com/sociopath-sociopathic-personality-disorder/)

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