Your Addiction to the Sociopath – Thank the Abuse Cycle

Toxic Sociopath Abuse Cycle

In addition to the normal addiction properties associated with falling in love with anyone or anything, when we align with a sociopath, the addictive properties of love are exaggerated and one-side and become the driving force behind our desperate behavior, from the relationship’s inception to its disintegration.

The sociopath idolizes you and provides you with so much approval in the beginning of the relationship, that you become hypnotized and brainwashed into believing you are only worthy when the sociopath approves of everything you do even after the relationship ends.

Why would we want this person’s approval after compiling the laundry list of abuses that the sociopath inflicted upon us, our children and our beloved friends and family?

Because we are addicts and require time to detox, abstain and rewire our brains back to a healthy state of self-love and acceptance.

Unfortunately, we are all in denial of our addiction in the immediate aftermath of the abuse and refuse, stubbornly refuse, to accept we were addicts. This denial is what leads us all to break no contact and rush back to the sociopath with questions in hopes we’ll receive the sociopath’s acceptance and approval.

When we do this, we are simply perpetuating the behavior that kept up inside the relationship. We keep imbibing in the drug. We aren’t taking the steps necessary to change our habits, and we continue to remain dependent on the sociopath’s approval.

The birth and perpetuation of this addiction is immediate and sustained across all phases of the toxic relationship cycle: idolization, devaluation and discard phases.

All toxic relationships oscillate and cycle through these phases repeatedly from one phase to the next and back to the other phase and then back again. The oscillation is so slow and insidious in the beginning that victims do not notice.

The idolization phase, the most addictive of the phases, is the dominant phase in the early months and years. Although the idolization phase is often front-and-center in the beginning, the devaluation and discard phases are ever present.  In addition, the idolization phase is present even during intense periods of devaluation and discard. Like a dangling carrot of hope that fades and then comes back into focus and fades and then comes back into focus.

The overlapping and intermingling of the three phases results in extremely high levels of dependency for acceptance and approval from the sociopath.


Idolization Phase

What the sociopath does during the idolization phase…

The sociopath idolizes and praises everything about you and compares you to every past love interest, wife, girlfriend, and even his mother. You are the best, the only one who has ever understood him, the one, his soul mate and he can’t imagine life without you by his side.

What you do during the idolization phase…

You eat up the praise and compliments. Who wouldn’t? This is also the time in which you make excuses for those red flags you see. Instead of seeing him as a loser who can’t keep a girlfriend or fiancee or wife, you see the sociopath as a sympathetic character, a lost and stray dog in need of your TLC. He told you how much he admires your strength, courage and ability to nurture. So your desire to further demonstrate your strength, courage and ability to nurture kicks in, and you are immediately entranced into giving him all of your love and attention. Soon, the sociopath’s needs and desires overshadow your own.

Devalue Phase

What the sociopath does during this devaluation phase…

The sociopath insidiously chips away at all those things for which he originally praised and complimented you.

>>Your cooking was superb; now it needs a little something. (But he hasn’t a clue what it is and instead says something like, “Oh, you’re so smart. You can figure it out.”)

>>Your hair is now suddenly too long or too short or not the best color for you. (He’s only looking out for his amazing GF and wants her to look and feel great about herself, right?)

>> Your clothes, your shampoo, the car you drive, the way you care for your dog, the way you run your business…it could all be improved. (After all, says the sociopath, you are so good at finding solutions and fixing them immediately, right?)

What you do during the devalue phase…

You never question the criticisms. You love the sociopath and will hyper vigilantly stay on task and slave away at improving your skills and abilities, never realizing the sociopath wants you to do this just to make the sociopath look good for being associated with you. The sociopath will take all the credit when you are complimented by others. Behind your back he will make remarks like, “She finally listened to me. I can’t believe she was doing it that way, can you? She’s so smart, isn’t she? Just amazing.”

And those people will only hear the last part of his back-handed compliment and come to you and say, “Wow. You guys make a great team. He loves you so much.” And all the sociopath is doing is barking orders at you, but you’re too distracted by the need for acceptance that you miss the irony in everything the sociopath projects in your direction.

Remarkably, you feel even more idolized and loved while simultaneously being devalued, not realizing you are being drained of your self-will, vitality and naturally zest for life. Every decision you make is unknowingly guided by the sociopath’s subtle devaluation of you, because you desperately NEED the sociopath’s approval.

Discard phase

What the sociopath does during the discard phase…

The sociopath is no longer subtle about his devaluation. The sociopath either stonewalls you, ignores you and/or dismisses everything about you in hopes you’ll get the message and just leave the relationship (he’s got someone else waiting in the wings, you know?) or the sociopath is direct and down-right nasty and tells you how much you suck. He attacks all the things he once praised about you and even goes as far as telling you that you never would have reached the success you reached if not for the sociopath’s influence and encouragement. You’re so ungrateful and hateful. The sociopath can’t believe how much time he wasted trying to make the relationship work.

What you do during the discard phase…

If the sociopath is subtle/passive-aggressive with his “punishment” of you, you will probably approach the sociopath with concern. You might start up a conversation like this:

“I love you, but I’ve noticed you haven’t been happy. I want you to be happy. Is it me? Did I do something wrong? If it’s me, please tell me what it was and I will fix it.”

If the sociopath is overt and direct with his discard tactics, you will try to fight the sociopath verbally and perhaps physically. You will beg and plead with the sociopath to stop hurting you. You will do anything…change everything. You love him so much. You just want the sociopath to be happy with you again. To love you and idolize you again.


And the cycle begins again. You gave the sociopath the supply and green light he needed to stay in the relationship and suck more from you. (You’re such a great lap dog.)

But once the sociopath has a new supply, the last discard WILL come, and you WILL be left desperate for answers:

“You love me, right? You can’t just stop caring about someone even if you have found another love interest, right? You can still value me as a person? You can still see my value right? Please, please, please see my value. Please!! PLEASE!!”

Unfortunately, you’re wasting your breath. The sociopath saw you as a means to an end. You were fun for a while and gave him the ego boost and recognition he desperately needed to feel good about himself. He may have gotten away with your child, your home, your business, your car, or even something as simple as your dignity. Whatever it was he took and now you find yourself crying about, the sociopath doesn’t care. The sociopath now has someone new to manipulate and control and walk through the same phases of toxicity with fresh vigor and vitality, thanks to you. You’re just a bother, and you keep proving how crazy you are with your threats and stalking and desperate attempts to get him to return your emails, texts and calls. (Your actions are incredibly distasteful, you poor, poor thing. You need help. You must be bipolar or something.)

The only help you need is help learning to detach in order to detox and stop relying on that ridiculous approval high that was never fulfilling nor was it worthy of your time and energy pursuing. You were/are addicted. The more you refuse to accept this, the longer it will take before you realize you will never get answers from the sociopath who truly sees his actions as just and good. You were simply too weak to walk by his side, so he had to wipe you off the bottom of his shoe; you were holding him back.

Namaste!
~Paula

 

save yourself, Paula Carrasquillo, Paula Renee Carrasquillo, Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo, psychopath, sociopath, awareness, dating a sociopath, divorcing a narcissist

That Pesky Sociopath Who Thinks He’s Your Savior

save yourselfHow many times have you heard the following from the sociopath in your life:

“You have problems. You are sick. You need me because everyone else in your life has let you get away with being this way your entire life. You NEED me or you can’t get better.”

I heard it so many times. I’m sure you did, too.

Why is this part of their MO?

Because sociopaths like to be perceived as the hero. They want to be your savior. Saviors are respected and revered. Sociopaths like love being revered. It feeds their superiority complex.

But you didn’t need to be saved from anything when you met the sociopath, right? Me either!! So how did the sociopath convince us we needed to be saved?

By creating the pit we fell into, that’s how.

Generally speaking, when people are confused, people tend to feel lost and in need of help. The sociopath creates the confusion and in turn, our desperation to be saved from it.

How do they create this confusion?

Sociopaths use three rather opposing techniques in tandem to create the confusion: love bombing, gas lighting and devaluing.

Love Bombing and Plans for the Future
The sociopath tells you that everything about you is perfect. You talk about making plans for the future. You talk specific plans. You agree to the plan and the specifics. Everything is seems perfect.

Gas Lighting
At a later date, (maybe as soon as the very next day) you bring up some of the specifics of the plan. You’re told you are mistaken about the specifics of the plan. The sociopath explains the plans back to you, but they aren’t the plans you had agreed to. You are certain they have been altered. The sociopath assures you that they are the same plans you agreed to originally. But you know you never would have agreed to those plans. You know it!

Devaluing
You reject the plan. It’s not what you had talked about. The sociopath calls you a lying, selfish whore for rejecting the plan after having agreed to the plans. You are distraught. You can’t believe the same person who said you were so amazing is now calling you such horrid names.

The pit is being dug.

The cycle continues.

Love bombing, gas lighting, devaluing.
Love bombing, gas lighting, devaluing.
Love bombing, gas lighting, devaluing.
Love bombing, gas lighting, devaluing.

The pit gets deeper.

Depression sets in.

You take on a bad habit: over-eating, drinking, gambling, shopping, sleeping…Whatever it is, you do it to drown out your confusion.

But bad habits do a lot more than drown out the confusion. They turn you into someone and something you dislike.

The pit is too deep to crawl out on your own.

Soon, the sociopath learns of your bad habit, because you can’t hide the pounds you’ve added or the fact you don’t have enough money to pay your bills or you’re hung over, or hell, you just tell him that you’re struggling with something, because we learned a long time ago that the people we love and who love us can handle us even at our worst, right?

So we just assume that telling our “soul mate” (a.k.a. the sociopath we don’t realize is a sociopath) about our struggles will result in a healthy plan of attack to turn those bad habits around.

But it doesn’t work like that with a sociopath. Sociopaths don’t love themselves, so how are they supposed to understand your struggles and provide you with unconditional support and guidance?

They can’t, and they won’t. All they do is continue to use the same three techniques (love bombing, gas lighting and devaluing) sprinkled with lots of shaming and blaming, and Voila! You have yourself a false god. A false savior who continuously repeats:

“You have problems. You are sick. You need me because everyone else in your life has let you get away with being this way your entire life. You NEED me or you won’t get better.”

You’re screwed if you think this guy can help you. YOU. ARE. ROYALLY. SCREWED!

He can’t save you because he doesn’t wish to save you. The truth is that the sociopath created a bunch of lies, diversions and drama to convince you that you are hopeless. He might throw you a bone every now and then, but that’s just to give you hope so you keep holding onto the rope connecting you to his savior facade.

A true savior would take on your pain (not shame you) and get inside the pit with you and lift you up onto his shoulders and support you until you could get back on solid ground and stand on your own two feet.

But that’s exactly the opposite of what a sociopath wants. He wants you desperate, dependent and in NEED of him.

A sociopath doesn’t love you. A sociopath loves the idea of controlling you and keeping you all to himself.

But you are not a possession or an instrument that can be played and tuned to his liking. You do not need the sociopath to complete you, and you certainly don’t need him continuously telling you how worthless and weak you are.

The only thing a sociopath succeeds in doing is making you feel ashamed of your every-day mess ups. Once you fall into the trap of shaming yourself, you become disconnected from your core self. When you become disconnected from your core, you end up making bigger mistakes, mistakes that really cause you harm.

Then the sociopath can say, “See. I told you so. You’re sick. Look what you’ve done! I’m the only one who can save you now.”

I call BS on that. You should, too. These ultimate assholes couldn’t dig themselves out of jar of Jif. 🙂

Save yourself. Walk away and let the healing begin.

Namaste!

(image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/265712446734742994/)

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