What to look forward to if you decide to break “No Contact” with the sociopath

20140322-113110.jpg

No Contact isn’t easy to maintain.

In the early months of recovery, not only are you detoxing from the addiction of being totally dependent upon the sociopath for emotional validation and support, you are also going through the natural rumination and bargaining phase of grief.

And the grief is multi-layered! You are not only grieving the loss of a relationship, but you’re also grieving the loss of a fantasy you thought was real.

You want answers. You demand answers, dammit! So you erroneously think the sociopath will give them to you. You contemplate breaking No Contact.

Reaching out to the sociopath will inevitably harm you. The sociopath will do 1 of 4 things:

1. Ignore you, causing you to question yourself more. (Stonewaller)

2. Respond to you with hate and vile, causing you to question yourself more. (Persecutor)

3. Respond to you with feigned concern, telling you that you’re sick and need professional help, causing you to question yourself even more. (Savior Complex)

4. Respond to you with a weak apology and love bombing to suck you back in, causing you to question yourself more. (Pity Ploy)

All of these responses give the sociopath power and control over you. The sociopath feeds off of your desperation.

Do you want to continue this merry-go-round? Or do you finally want to break free from the craziness?

You know what you need to do…

Namaste!
~Paula

(Image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/545428204843094244/)

Control and the Narcissistic Sociopath AFTER the Relationship Ends

Divorcing a narcissist or sociopath

We know from experience that narcissistic sociopaths feel most powerful when they are in control of us.

And many of us think the solution to beating them is to try controlling them in return.

But we can’t beat them by using the same control tactics they use. Why? Because as good people with the ability to empathize, our consciences will not allow us to follow through with our attempts at control.

When we try to fight them by controlling them in any way, we crack due to the anxiety we experience trying to be evil and controlling.

It’s not in us to be controlling assholes. It just isn’t!

When we seek to treat the sociopaths as they treat us, we’re acting outside of our spiritual core. Acting outside of our spiritual core only hurts us, not the sociopaths.

Trying to be abusive and controlling is why some of us crack and feel crazy. We feel crazy because we aren’t acting as our conscience dictates. When we feel crazy, others perceive our actions as crazy, too.

The sociopath can pretend and act like the rest of us with great success and believability because they lack a spiritual core. When there is no spiritual core to harm and confuse, the sociopath is a prime example of an empty existence unaffected by anything from the outside and especially from the inside.

Healthy, non-pathological folks can’t act or pretend to be heartless and revengeful. Our consciences just won’t allow it. (Feel good about that quality within you even if it seems to put you at a disadvantage when dealing with the sociopath.)

So how do we defeat the narcissistic sociopath?

It’s simple. We let them THINK they have won. We let them THINK they are still in control even after the relationship ends.

Offer the sociopath half the car or half the house in the divorce settlement. Don’t fight for it all no matter how much you know or think you deserve it. Act reasonable and fair. Not revengeful and vindictive. The courts will see you as reasonable and fair, too, not crazy.

Consider opening your marital home to renters. When it comes time to equally divide assets, the sociopath won’t be interested in being bothered with the process. There is work involved in divisions. There is also the annoying responsibility of collecting rent, making repairs, finding tenants and making mortgage payments. They hate making payments. They may end up leaving you with the mortgage because a mortgage is a burden to them and they wish to burden you. But they fail to realize you want them to sign a quit claim deed so you can turn around in a few months and sell the place for a profit.

Don’t ask for full legal and physical custody of your children, either, no matter how much you fear the sociopath’s influence. Ask for a 50/50 split. Again, appear reasonable and fair.

The sociopath will never be able to maintain a 50/50 split due to the time and responsibility associated with making more exchanges on a more frequent basis. They want full custody only because they know it will be most convenient for them, not because it will be better or more stable for the children. A 50/50 agreement will most likely result in them relinquishing time spent with their kids. They’ll think you will be burdened by having more time with your kids because it’s a burden to them. They may even think having your kids more will interfere with your ability to date. (As if dating is the first thing you want to do after being involved with a sociopath!!)

Sociopaths hate responsibility. So, the more they perceive you as being burdened with responsibilities, the more victorious they feel.

They are the winningest losers on the planet!

By giving them what they think they want, we appease them. By convincing them their choices burden us, we appease their need to control us. We did it inside the relationship; we can do it outside the relationship, too.

I know these scenarios won’t work for every situation but it gives you an idea of how you can rethink your situation and your need to fight in hopes of taking it all from them in the beginning of the end of the relationship/marriage.

The sociopath eventually loses everything thinking it was 100% his idea and choice. Some call it karma. I call it purpose-driven patience on our part which requires zero compromise of our core values. It just requires a lot of sacrifices for a bit longer than we’d hoped.

Namaste!

(Image source: Divorced Women Online)

You are not a firefly ~ but the sociopath will try to contain you like one

firefliesAbusers desire control. They want to contain us like fireflies in a jar. But we can not be contained for long without fighting to stay alive…

Your love affair with your abuser begins peacefully enough. He tells you he loves you so much that he wants to do everything with you. He never wants to leave your side. He wants to run to the grocery store with you. Help you drop off the kids at school. Even hang out with you while you shop and try on shoes and clothes. It’s sweet, you think, how much he seems to adore you. You eat it up. In the beginning.

Soon, this attention becomes smothering. He’s so close you can’t breathe at times. He’s on top of you as you try to eat, sleep, read and get dressed for work or school. The more you try to do things alone, the more he demands he goes along with you. You begin resenting him. You just want to be able to shut the door for some quiet moments or run out and complete a few mundane tasks like filling up your car’s gas tank, buying stamps at the post office, making a deposit in your checking account or shopping for new lipstick without him on your heels.

It’s not that you don’t care for him. You simply enjoy being alone at times. It’s your independent nature screaming to be free just as you always were before he entered your life.

Unfortunately, he sees your desire to be independent as a direct threat to his insecurities. What once seemed like a romantic gesture has turned into an abusive and controlling tactic. If you insist on going alone to run your errands, he accuses you of meeting someone for a lover’s tryst or of not caring enough about him to want his company. Every guilt trip in the book is played. You are exhausted by the absurdity of it all and simply relent in hopes of releasing the pressure.

More time passes, and he comes along. Every time. You never get your freedom. You can’t breathe and inhale as you please. Your resentment for him grows and grows. It builds up quickly and soon anger surfaces.

You are short with him. You snap at him as you would snap at a petulant child who whines when he doesn’t get exactly what he demands.

When your anger surfaces like this, you have real problems. Now he has “proof” of your heartlessness, bitterness and lack of love for him. Someone who loves him as much as you say you love him would not treat him so badly. (You bitch! You whore! You asked for it!)

You become more confused and just want it to stop.

The chaos can’t be assessed and ordered easily, if at all. You forget where the anger was born. You don’t realize you have been contained by his control. You don’t realize you are reacting directly to his irrational, unreasonable and disordered perceptions of how he thinks you should behave.

You become like the gentle firefly knocking itself against the jar, appearing like you’re nuts trying to get free.

If you do find a moment of quiet and peace, you’ll start to remember how it all started and where it has led–

You were once a bright and shining firefly flickering and zooming about. Spreading your light and energy among family and friends. Then he spotted you and wanted you for himself. You slowed down long enough for him to grab you and place you in his jar. He wants to keep you there, too. He doesn’t care or realize that the oxygen is dwindling and your fight to survive has nothing to do with him but everything to do with your desire to be set free. Free to be you.

Real love doesn’t take away our life force. Real love infuses our life force with more energy and love.

Frustration and resentment is a warning sign we must heed. Don’t let it linger and fester.

Namaste!

Expectations when dealing with healthy people vs. narcissists

Great ExpectationsWe often expect a lot from the people closest to us. We want our children to always listen the first time, our spouses to know what we need without having to tell them what we need, our friends to anticipate when we’re having a bad day, and our family to listen to us without judgment.

But is that realistic? Of course not!! No one is a mind reader or can anticipate our every need, not even those who love us the most in this world. Part of having our expectations met depends on our own efforts to communicate effectively and with care.

Your child doesn’t listen? Repeat yourself but leave the angry tone behind. Don’t call your child stupid or any other name you wouldn’t want someone else calling him. He’ll eventually get it! Patience.

Your spouse keeps ignoring something that needs done around the house? First, ask yourself if you mentioned the issue to your spouse in the first place? We all need direction. We all need to know that we’re needed. Ask your spouse if he’ll help you instead of demanding that he do something. Your spouse loves you and wants to help you. Patience.

Your friend didn’t call you that day your cat died? Did you ask her to call you? Or did you post it to Facebook and expect her to call you? We all have unexpected stuff going on in our lives every day. No one is ignoring you. They’re just paying more attention to their own lives. Sometimes we need a bigger nudge than a status update to realize a friend needs us. Call her yourself. Email her yourself. She loves you. She’ll take the time to talk. Patience.

Your mother keeps giving you advice that you don’t want or need? Remember, parents worry. Even when we become adults, they don’t stop worrying. If you had something unfortunate happen to you and you want to share it with your mom, explain you want to share because you want her to know how you feel. You don’t need advice this time. You just want her to understand and listen. Your mom will sit there and say nothing (even though she may be dying inside to tell you how to fix the situation). Patience.

I realize that everything I have suggested is contingent on all of these people in your life being healthy and non-disordered mentally. If any of these people are narcissists, regardless of your approach, you’ll fail.

The narcissistic child will curse you, throw things, and tell you it’s all your fault he doesn’t listen.

The narcissistic husband will curse you, throw things, and tell you it’s all your fault everything is broken and nothing is getting fixed.

The narcissistic friend will curse you, throw things, and tell you it’s all your fault your cat is dead.

The narcissistic mother will curse you, throw things, and tell you it’s all your fault bad things keep happening to you.

At least narcissists are predictable at any age, huh?*

Namaste!!

*If you are reacting to this post and thinking, “None of this will work. These people don’t love me, because they never listen to me or do what I want them to do,” YOU might be the narcissist.

Struck by a Sociopath and the difficulty of living alone

This post was influenced and inspired by a new blog written by someone not-so-new to being victimized by sociopaths. (Yes, that’s plural. She has had the unfortunate experience of having been close to two of these evil creatures.)

The blogger for My Sociopath~Struck by a Sociopath recently posted her own list of sociopathic character traits. The following struck me immediately, and I would be remiss not to write about my personal experience relating to this trait she lists at the #2 spot:

Difficulty Living Alone:  Sociopaths usually live with a stronger and more capable person that handles most of the responsibility (financial and other).  This could be a person that makes more money, has health insurance (will want to marry), and does majority of household business matters (dealing with day-to-day running, cooking, cleaning, child/pet care etc…)

a.  Sociopaths will make it seem the opposite: They are doing most of the household work and making a bigger financial contribution.

b.  This trait will diminish as a Sociopath gets older.  Older Sociopaths have fewer people to choose from that can be manipulated into a living situation.

The Boy (the narcissistic sociopath from my story) definitely had difficulty living alone. He seemed to exude independence on first meeting. But as I got to know him (as much as a person can KNOW a sociopath) I began questioning just how independent he really was.

His home’s basement consists of a laundry room, a locked storage room, and a two-bedroom apartment. He relies heavily on the apartment being rented at all times, asking more than the place is worth in my opinion. (I only knew the place to be vacant two months over the course of the three years I was unfortunately associated with him.) The laundry room had a schedule for use. If I can remember correctly, I could use it Sunday through Wednesday. The tenants could use it Thursday through Saturday. I thought this was ridiculous and mentioned that grown adults can work out a better system and have it always open for use. He and his mother (or I should say he and his enabler) thought my proposal was absurd, and so the rigid, controlling laundry schedule continued and probably still continues. (FREAKS!) The locked storage room never came open unless he needed to tuck away his taxes for his inherited business. I snuck in once. Nothing of value to anyone other than him. So why the lock? More control, I suppose.

To house his retired mother, he ILLEGALLY WITHOUT A PROPER PERMIT built a detached two-car garage complete with a one-bedroom mother-in-law apartment in which his mother lives when it’s not summer in South America. (I might add that his father resides there on occasion, but the old man preferred being away from the United States and his wife, it seemed, and was rarely there.) I initially thought the boy was a great son for building such a nice place. Soon I realized it was more for his benefit than his parent’s. It was all for money and control. What a good son, huh?

Now on to his choice of intimate partners who lived with him…

His wife/cousin (ex-wife/ex-cousin by the time I met him) served him: cooked, cleaned, kept quiet, and let him live his bachelor life (translated “never asked why he was never home and instead out having multiple affairs”). Before his marriage was final, he sold the condo he shared with his wife (giving her absolutely NOTHING except a plane ticket back to see her family in South America; he needed her gone) and bought the house detailed above and moved in his next victim, who had a great job and growing career. (According to him, however, the mistress and soon-to-be finacee  moved herself in, continued paying her half of the rent for an apartment she shared with a girlfriend, and for some reason, paid him each month for the pleasure of living with him. I found this suspect and still do. I think he asked her to move in and told her he’d help support her with her living expenses. Instead, he just took her money any chance he got.) And on top of that, he was able to convince this VERY smart woman to buy a condo (so they could rent it to make money) with the mortgage in her name only but with the title in both of their names. Of course, when he kicked her out of his house and ended the engagement, he also refused to help her with the cost of the mortgage for the condo when it was vacant. After all, he wasn’t legally bound to help her pay the mortgage, was he? What a gem of a man, huh?

And then there was me. I refused to move in with him, which was a constant source of his fury and rages with me. Keep in mind I was separated from my husband, not yet divorced, and with a young son who was in school 20 miles from the boy’s home. I rented an apartment close to my son’s school/daycare and his father’s home. I wasn’t even tempted to move in with the boy at that point. (In the D.C. area, driving 20 miles can take over an hour most days. I wanted to be able to come to my son’s aid at the drop of a hat within minutes, not hours. The boy despised that I put my son first, before him.)

As you can imagine, this living situation did not bode well with this controlling, narcissistic sociopath. According to him, I was cheating and sleeping with my estranged husband every night I had my son and slept in my apartment. According to the boy, I spent all of my time flirting with single men in my building. If I didn’t pick up my phone when he called or didn’t reply to his texts immediately, I was cheating. I was a big cheat and had numerous men coming and going from my apartment on any given day. Hell, I got so used to being called a whore, that the word whore became no more gut-wrenching than hearing him call me “Pumpkin,” which I effing hated and told him every time he called me that. But he continued. Zero respect.

So, yeah, he can’t live alone because he needs someone to control and manipulate on a daily basis. And he will find a way through technology if he can’t have you under foot. He’s an ugly, scary creature who wants to take your identity, crush it into tiny pieces, and scatter it about in hopes you will never be able to put yourself back together again. Because, if you can’t put yourself back together again, he can control you for all eternity. (You think that’s being too dramatic? Well, thank goodness you have never had to deal with the boy or another creature like him.)

Peace. ~Paula

%d bloggers like this: