Jake’s story: Abuse, addiction, and love with a sociopath #DVawarenessMonth

Hsing Wei/FLICKR

Hsing Wei/FLICKR

October 10, 2014 – Jake’s story: Abuse, addiction, and love with a sociopath

BETHESDA, Maryland, October 10, 2014 — Jake* is a survivor of drug addiction and sociopath abuse living and recovering in The United States.

My name is Jake and my story is not for the faint of heart (as with anyone who has been in a toxic relationship with a sociopath). My story involves addiction, therefore is painful to talk about, but in writing this story I believe I will find healing so I can move on with my life. If I can help even one person with my story, then all of this was worth it. Read more…

Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

The devil on my shoulder*

The devil on my shoulderI guess the best place to start is with the truth:

I am an alcoholic. I have struggled for the past 7 years trying to help myself. Unfortunately, I have lost this struggle because I can’t beat something that is more powerful than myself. I am stubborn and believed I could do it on my own the same way I beat bulimia. (Yes, another demon I admit to knowing intimately.)

I know myself well enough that I need to tell people about my struggle, otherwise, I will continue to hide my suffering, only to make the suffering worse for everyone in my life who loves me. Today I have decided that hiding behind shame or guilt will kill me one day, and I have too many good things to live for.

Alcohol affects each of us differently. Some people can take it or leave it. Some people can enjoy a drink or two with friends on occasion. Some people drink it every day and let it take over their lives, rendering them powerless. Some people know they shouldn’t drink because it changes their core with the first sip. I am this person.

Alcohol makes me stupid and angry. The little devil on my shoulder gets into my heart with my first drink. I may feel happy after my first drink or two, but the more I continue to drink, the more tricks the devil starts playing on me and on the people in the room. It’s evil and frightening. But for some reason, I always thought I could fix this. I can’t.

I am human and filled with weaknesses. But I have strength in my life that I have ignored for too long: my family and friends who love me and want to help me. I am desperate for that help today. I am ready for that help. There is no turning back now.

*This post is dedicated to the good people, friends and family in my life who have reached out to me today. Your words and encouragement have meant more to me than you will ever know.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an addiction to alcohol, read this website. There is no weakness in asking and receiving help if you really want to heal.

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