Because we need to start somewhere…
1. Why me? Why did the sociopath pick me?
2. How can the sociopath dismiss me and say I am “dead” to him/her when he/she once told me I was his/her soul mate and the one?
3. After all of the hateful names and behaviors against me, why do I still love the sociopath?
4. How do I know my ex is really a sociopath?
5. I am so angry. I can’t stop wishing my ex dead, and I said and did some really mean things toward the end of the relationship and even after the relationship ended. Could I be the sociopath?
6. The sociopath seems so happy with his/her new romantic interest. Everyone keeps telling me they don’t change, but is it possible that MY sociopath changed?
7. Do I really need to go No Contact? I need answers. I need to talk to the sociopath. What harm is there in sending the sociopath a quick message?
1. Why me? Why did the sociopath pick me?
Sociopaths are predators. Sociopaths do not discriminate when it comes to whom they choose to victimize. Anyone with a conscience, the ability to be remorseful, to love and to empathize and feel deep shame is a potential victim. More often than not, the victims of sociopaths are highly educated and/or skilled, highly compassionate, highly successful and highly accountable. Depending on the resources a particular sociopath covets and desires, anyone with some form of asset is a potential target.
Each and every person that crosses a sociopath’s path is processed by the sociopath according to the following steps:
Assessment – “What does this person have that I want?”
Idolization – “If I praise this person, she/he will have no other choice but to feel obligated to give me what I want.
Devaluation – “I have what I want and now this person has the audacity to ask me for something in return? It’s time for the blaming and shaming. I answer to no one.”
Discard – “This person is dead to me. Next!”
Related post: Identifying and protecting ourselves from sociopaths in our midst
Related post: Sociopaths and psychopaths are not fascinating. People who survive them are.
2. How can the sociopath dismiss me and say I am “dead” to him/her when he/she once told me I was his/her soul mate and the one?
The most basic and simplistic answer is because the sociopath’s definition of love is not the same as yours. Love, to the sociopath, is not about patience and kindness or compassion. Love, to the sociopath, is about immediate and consistent compliance and control.
When the sociopath was grooming you, the sociopath was molding you into believing that being the sociopath’s mirror image is love. You were to think, act, dress and speak according to the sociopath’s idea of the perfect you…and the perfect him/her. In the beginning of the relationship, like any relationship, you were naturally drawn to always be together and to like and enjoy everything together. It’s how people get to know each other and build avenues of communication.
Avenues of communication are not what the sociopath envisions. Continued compliance and zero resistance is what the sociopath expects.
It’s why speaking logically with the sociopath got you nowhere fast, because once you exerted individual thought or slightly disagreed with the sociopath, your fantasy life was transformed into hell on earth. Your individuality and independence was a direct affront to the sociopath. Your lack of compliance led the sociopath to believe you didn’t love him. The pedestal on which the sociopath once placed you crumbled beneath you.
Instead of being the all good and perfect mate, you became the all bad and tainted mate in the eyes of the sociopath. This is called splitting. Sociopaths do it well.
Related post: “Splitting” and the Narcissistic Sociopath
3. After all of the hateful names and behaviors against me, why do I still love the sociopath?
Despite all of the logical reasons not to love the sociopath, regardless if you have or have not left the relationship, there are two physiological reasons you think you love this person:
a. Romantic love is an addiction.
b. Being blindsided and ambushed by deceit results in a betrayal bond that is difficult to break.
On her blog and in her book, Carnal Abuse by Deceit, Joyce M. Short briefly explains the chemical component responsible for these intense emotions and our inability to “just get over” the sociopath:
“The neurotransmitter, oxytocin, is released internally, within our brains, as the result of affection. And this chemical reaction cleaves us to our love interests. Romantic love is actually a form of addiction…Our brain manufactures chemicals to cleave us to a love interest. It’s natures way of providing nurture for our developing offspring. For some, these chemicals can be more intense than for others, depending on both our nature and our nurture. When betrayal is discovered, the brain can undergo “shock” in much the same way it reacts to physical pain.” (Taken from http://cadalert.blogspot.com/.)
And with shock comes trauma. The love you think you feel is your brain chemistry’s inability to keep up with the logic you see before you. You know the sociopath is no good for you, but you continue to feel this bond. This results in the cognitive dissonance that makes you feel stuck and desperate.
Related post: Rape by fraud: What it means and why it matters
Related post: Why Janay Rice and Other Domestic Violence Victims Don’t Leave
4. How do I know my ex is really a sociopath?
You will never know with certainty that your ex is a sociopath. No one in psychiatry or the neurosciences is able to provide a definitive answer as to whether this person or that person is or is not a sociopath/psychopath. Shoot, they can’t even agree on the terminology.
Listen and trust your gut moving forward, because what you can be certain of is yourself. If you can recognize your pain, suffering and your need to be free from the chaos and confusion that the toxic relationship inflicted, you can begin to shift your interest from trying to figure out your ex to trying to figure out yourself.
Related post: Identifying signs of trauma in yourself in order to heal, recover and transform
Related post: We can’t break the sociopaths cycle, but we can break our own
5. I am so angry. I can’t stop wishing my ex dead, and I said and did some really mean things toward the end of the relationship and even after the relationship ended. Could I be the sociopath?
In short, no. Just asking that question negates the possibility that you are a sociopath. Sociopaths can’t and don’t self-examine. If they are accused of being mean and nasty, it’s because someone else forced them to be mean and nasty. To a sociopath, they’re all good. Along with splitting others into one of two categories, all-good or all-bad, the sociopath splits himself/herself, too. And the sociopath always chooses the all-good category…of course!
As for your anger…
Feeling angry and worthless are valid and normal responses to trauma and abuse. As you begin to emerge from the fog and haze of the betrayal and trauma bond, you begin to realize more and more that you were abused, manipulated and controlled, and you don’t like it. Like everyone, you have an ego that wants to be protected and defended.
“How could the sociopath treat me like that?”
“How could the sociopath treat my child like that?”
“How could the sociopath treat my friends like that?”
But more importantly, you are feeling shame and blame for your part:
“How could I have allowed this to go on for so long?”
“Why was I so stupid?”
“Why did I keep going back?”
“I’m smarter than this!”
Ah, and you are smarter than being stuck in your anger. Feel the anger and process through it. Never be ashamed of the anger you’re feeling. Recovery begins when you accept the hard reality that you were victimized by a person who tried to convince you that you were worthless.
You are not worthless.
The sooner you believe this, the sooner you can start having comforting and self-soothing conversations that provide you with the internal support necessary to finally break the trauma bond and start building self-love, self-care, self-respect and self-awareness.
Related post: Emerging from the shadows of the sociopath
6. The sociopath seems so happy with his/her new romantic interest. Everyone keeps telling me they don’t change, but is it possible that MY sociopath changed?
The idiom “A leopard can’t change it’s spots” was most undoubtedly coined by someone traumatized/abused by a sociopath. That person, I imagine, stuck around (like we all did) hoping and hoping the sociopath would change. With great insight and a mountain of evidence, that person finally concluded, “This fella just hasn’t got a clue does he? He’s never gonna change.”
The sociopath you see walking around like a proud peacock is still the same delusional abuser with whom you were once involved. The same person who, without shame, guilt or remorse, stepped over your dying corpse only to begin a new relationship with an unsuspecting new victim.
The sociopath sees zero need to change. What you see is not change. It’s the same act, but you’re just viewing it as a bystander and not as the participant you were before.
If you think back to how your relationship first began with the sociopath, you start to remember how strained it always was and that those strains were never visible to the naked eyes of the bystanders. Bystanders were only subjected to the ideal, lovey-dovey BS the sociopath orchestrated. This was and continues to be very calculated on the part of the sociopath, because the sociopath operates from a place of jealousy and competition and believes others operate that way, too. Presenting himself/herself as happy, successful and completely enamoured with his/her new love will make others jealous of the sociopath, or so the sociopath thinks.
And you have fallen for the bait because you think the sociopath changed! Reel that back in, okay?
What you don’t see, now as the bystander, are the insidious jabs and devaluing the sociopath inflicts on the new victim. The subtle backhanded comments meant to make the new victim question his/her core values and beliefs. You remember how that worked, right?
If you must be a witness to the evolution of the sociopath’s latest toxic relationship, watch closely. The new victim’s hair color or clothing style will change. The sparkle in the victim’s eye will slowly fade. The victim may gain or lose weight. More than likely, the victim will pick up at least one bad habit or let one good habit that once defined the victim fall to the wayside. This happens gradually over time. It’s the nature of psychological, emotional and spiritual abuse and control.The activities they do together will make one think they are in complete sync and harmonious. It will appear like a perfect match and perfect union. Almost too good to be true!
Sounds familiar, right?
What you are witnessing is simply a continuation of the game the sociopath will forever play from victim to victim. Use your intuition and see the pattern of behavior for what it really means–the sociopath’s predatorial modus operandi is exactly the same; it has not changed. Therefore, the sociopath has not changed and never will.
Related post: The sociopath ADORED me so much at first. What happened?
Related post: The sociopath cocktail: Entitlement with a splash of delusion
7. Do I really need to go No Contact? I need answers. I need to talk to the sociopath. What harm is there in sending the sociopath a quick message?
No Contact isn’t easy to maintain.
In the early months of recovery, not only are you detoxing from the addiction of being totally dependent upon the sociopath for emotional validation and support, you are also going through the natural rumination and bargaining phase of grief.
And the grief is multi-layered! You are not only grieving the loss of a relationship, but you’re also grieving the loss of a fantasy you thought was real.
You want answers. You demand answers, dammit! So you erroneously think the sociopath will give them to you. You contemplate breaking No Contact.
Reaching out to the sociopath will inevitably harm you. The sociopath will do 1 of 4 things:
1. Ignore you, causing you to question yourself more. (Stonewaller)
2. Respond to you with hate and vile, causing you to question yourself more. (Persecutor)
3. Respond to you with feigned concern, telling you that you’re sick and need professional help, causing you to question yourself even more. (Savior Complex)
4. Respond to you with a weak apology and love bombing to suck you back in, causing you to question yourself more. (Pity Ploy)
All of these responses give the sociopath power and control over you. The sociopath feeds off of your desperation. Do you want to continue this merry-go-round? Or do you finally want to break free from the craziness?
Related post: The hateful and non-empathic sociopath: Detach now!
Related post: Being nasty back only backfires
Your Healing Frequency 
42 responses to “FAQs – Sociopath Abuse Recovery”
I’ve been in a on/off relationship with a SP for most of my life since I was 14yrs old.My 1st everything,I ended it when I was 18 after finding him in bed with another female.long story short I moved on got married had kids.during those 10 yrs he went to prison for 8 yrs ..my marriage was at a end and after he was released from prison he contacts me..I had moved 800 miles away 10 yrs ago so I flew out to see him everything was like a fantasy,he is still extremely handsome and charming..right away he wants to marry have a kid ect.. I ask him if he can get blood work before marriage his last words was I’ll call you back,he discards me for 8 months!!
I get a text asking am I busy ,I was so mad I didn’t answer then he waits 2 days and texts again apologizing and begging for me to call him so I do being I’m still addicted to him..
So we try again this time we get married I’m now preg and a lot of things have been revealed to me within the 2 months of marriage he sells n takes drugs messes with other woman party’s a lot on parole ect ..
.Im still 800 miles away sold everything to move back where he is but after seeing and getting messages from other woman he messes with knowing for a fact he lives a secret life confirmed he is a true SP and I finally need to cut all ties! It’s been 6 days he tried contacting me begging me to please talk to him but I know he’s no good (I’m not ready to block his # yet) by gods help I’m finally going full force no contact! A SP worst fear especially if they weren’t ready to let you go yet..I left out so much!! Was trying to make this short as possible .
.I hope this can help someone out there.its very difficult I think the worst drug .No one will understand unless they have been through it..I also cut ties with his family because they always stick up for him.. I’m taking it 1 day at a time preg n all.:( I have faith I will heal fully! Good luck to all 💜
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I have been no contact for almost two months now. The obsessive thoughts are still with me…I am in therapy, practice meditation, and go to yoga once a week. I still keep thinking.. “What if??”. I know my journey to recovery is still new…just need to stay on this path. Love and light to all you survivors… TOGETHER WE CAN HEAL!
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Keep letting him act like you don’t exist. I KNOW this is painful…but NO CONTACT… NO REACTION…NO RESPONSE… Is the only way.
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hi
Reading all your comments and posts has helped me understand my ex. Who I believe to be a sociopath.
Before the relationship i was naive and I trusted everyone but this has taught me a lesson.
He continued to lie to me about having cancer, being evicted from house, being in a car crash, loosing his passport and made a be sene of it on Fb. He was aggressive to me shouting when i told my parents about the cancer. I lost 2 stone within 2 months of being with him. He emotionally, mentally and sexually abused me to a point I didn’t know myself. He tried to hang himself in my house and he appeared with a mark round his neck and that freaked me out
I tried to get away 2 times but he used the pity play on Me and he got his aunt to talk to me. When I finally got away he sent me horrible text messages with suicide threats and a scary picture of a noose round his neck with a text I told u I’d do it. I havnt heard anything from him since. He has changed his aappearance and Im frightened of him
His aunt the messaged me a horrible message saying that I should be ashamed of myself being such a bad person.and treating the.ex badly. The.aunt.was messaging me awful stuff I’m trying to pick myself back up again it’s really hard as I still get
flashbacks and I stress out easily
He is acting now like i didn’t exist.
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I was envolved with a social path female. In the beginning everything was good, she chased me vs. me chasing her and she wanted to move very fast, wanting me to be her boyfriend after 2 weeks. I didn’t comply but we kept seeing each other. We dated for 9 months and things started to change in the end. We got in one disagreement and she disappeared, stopped answering my calls, etc.. And I panacked. She was without a car or an apartment so to try make her understand that I was there for her I offered to assist and she excepted then she was gone. We kept in touch but everything was cold hearted. She would call just to torture me at times and would care at other times. Our last conversation was don’t call no me no more in life cause I have a new man now..
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I’m sorry, Tony. Don’t allow this woman’s indifference and manipulations of your heart to jade you moving forward.
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I was lost for the first 5 yrs in my relationship, but accidently tumbled over something on google when I typed ‘with holds sex,’ because that would always be the case with us. Suddenly my eyes wide shut, OPENED. I was a victim of emotional, psychological, verbal abused, and taken for the little that I had worked for. I’m still in the relationship, seven yrs later practicing no contact, just in cohabitation. My expectations of having a true marriage are null, but I still care for the wheelchair confined sociopath. I work ALL the time. That’s why I can have no contact and share an apartment with him. When my eyes were opened, the suffering and the longing stopped. I can leave if I want to, because this marriage contract has been breached in every way. I THANK GOD THAT I KNOW I CAN 🙂
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Thank you so much for creating this website. I Have been dating a sociopath for 2.5 years and after finally finding the courage to leave he drags me back in telling me he wants me more than any thing in this world and loves more than anything..spending he’s nights outside my house desperate to be with me. After gaining back my trust and bringing back all of those feelings he drops me for someone new.. Using the same method and being intense. I’m finding it all hard to come to terms with my reading all of the info you have given it help! Started to feel like it was me.
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Jane I too have been in a 2.5 year relationship with a sociopath. After the constant back and forth and promises to change I have sought the support of friends and family. I stayed away for almost 4 mths, currently got sucked back in yet again (love bombing) I know I need to get out of the situation and run for my life. It wont get any better. Having support of friends and family helps. I still cannot bring myself to block his number, which no one understands, not even his family. However I do count the accomplishments. I have given up on the idea of a romantic relationship or him ever truly loving me as I deserve. I just have to work on the addiction and the trauma from the repeatedly lies and betrayals. He called to say he was committing suicide a week ago. I told him I understood and got off the phone immediately. I do not entertain his childish antics or let them stress me out any longer. Needless to say he was on Instagram the next day posting pics of how he can’t wait to find a good woman and how great and happy he is. Good luck to him and God help her. Hang in there, your thoughts and feelings are valid. I found this website very helpful and will continue to reference to it when I feel vulnerable and weak. Its a process. I feel I wasted my time and life but I do finally see a light at the end of the tunnel thanks to Paula and other contributors on this site.
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Oh, I just read through more comments & am prompted to write a bit more. (Hope I can keep it to “a bit”!)
I don’t know why it is so universally assumed that all abusers must have been abused themselves. My brother was abused by my mother. She beat all of us up (5 kids) at one time or another. In my case (eldest daughter, 2nd eldest child), it was an almost daily occurence. I’m not talking about just beatings. I’m talking kicking, beating, scratching, sitting-on-while-banging-your-head-on-the-floor frenzies. Hard slaps across the face were a regular thing for both my brother & me. So, yes, he was definitely abused, but not as much as I was. And yet, there was no doubt that she adored him, too. So go figure.
However… my mother was never abused at all as a child. Never, no how, no way. She had a sister born 13 years earlier than she was who died at the age of 2. Then they had no more children until she came along. They doted on her like nobody’s business. The stories she herself told of their undying love went on and on.
Yet, look how she treated her children. Why? And she was undoubtedly a narcissist. Still not sure, maybe there were other things in there, too. So, where did that come from?
My entire aim when raising my children was to do it the opposite of how my mother did it. I didn’t think spanking was necessarily a bad thing, but I knew that I would never be able to control myself once I started, so I was better off just not doing it at all. Unfortunately, my children were grown before I understood that I needed to stay away from my very sick family, so a lot of what you might call pathology got thrown their way anyhow. Sigh.
My biggest goal now in writing my many notebooks is to hopefully enlighten my children. And for me to keep on forgiving. I just started them a few months ago. It’s me that’s getting enlightened.
Thanks again.
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Thank you for sharing your “enlightenment” journey. It’s very encouraging. And I agree. My ex was not abused as a child…at least that’s the story he told me.
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Hi! Just browsing around :& found this site. I want to get this book & your other one for my ex-sister-in-law.
I’m writing up a storm myself these days for my own sake, just trying to organize thoughts in notebooks. I’ve known for a long time that my mother was a narcissist, but only lately came to understand that my older brother was a full-blown narcissistic sociopath. Pretty sad, huh? He’s done a lot of damage to his family for lots of years.
Now I have to face the damage he did to me as well, and even just what you have put on these webpages is so helpful! On the page for your other book, he fit all the characteristics of a narcissist and all but 3 of the ones for a sociopath. He was never a juvenile delinquent. He was almost perfect, as I remember it (I’m 4 years younger than he.) But then again, he was able to take out his rage without repercussion at home (on me.) It was never “sibling rivalry” as my mother used to jokingly say. It was torture. And it was always OK.
Anyway, thank you so much. You are doing a great service. I hope to be able to help somebody, too, someday. Most of all, my own children.
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Thank you, Day. Leaving comments like this is the beginning of you helping others. Thousands of people visit this blog weekly and rarely comment, but they read every single comment left. So you have already begun to help!! 🙂
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Paula I totally understand & deal with the same things to this day. At work i manage a wine tasting room & co workers say you project your emotions onto our customers & talk about your experience all the time? Yet these are the same people who go out to dinner & are friends with exN first married affair Troll, i was even told to go in the back if Troll comes into the tasting room because I make her uncomfortable??? The twit should feel uncomfortable & ashamed but no I am the crazy obsessed one that cant let go & move on. So yes we live in a unfeeling insensitive world of robots & that is what makes me feel more compelled to speak my mind & share my experience because people that have experienced this abuse feel validated & the ones who are robots feel uncomfortable, at least they are feeling something! Anyway we just have to educate & expose! Again we have been chosen to make a difference & if that means making some noise & catching some rude comments then so be it! I am going to continue to tell my story because it needs to be heard! Take care sweet friend! And yes we should make even more noise!!!
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Paula you are so welcome! And the movie is Maleficent, iphone emails are tricky to type…But yes I was reading some of the comments & posts of others & my heart aches for them because when I read what they are writing i remember when I was emotinally in their same place & how I felt so alone, so misunderstood so crazy.. What the Narc beasties do is a crime!!! Wouldnt it be so cool if we were able to get the US government to pass a Relationship Karma Contingency Law!!! A law that protects the the spouse or partner when there are lies, betrayal, adultery, deceit, & emotional abuse!!! Hmm & the punishment could be lots of $ in lump sum or preferably monthly payments just to remind the moster of his crime( this would only apply if they have $ like my ex because a narc with $ would rather die than give it to us!!!) if no money is able to be taken then there should be “relationship service” like community service but with the monster having to physically make time to care for the needs of the betrayed! Of course the Narc would be under supervision & humiliation hee hee! oh man that would be so cool & all who are and have been victims would receive unlimited emotional care, therapists, massages trips to Caribbean hee! We should do it Paula!!! We should make every narc squirm like the slimy worms that they are & be exposed to the world! It is a great dream, but as i shared I feel so compelled to make Narcissism an ilegal & punishable behavior because they are so destructive & dangerous! But yes 2015 is going to be a grace & great year! I am still struggling but feeling so much more empowered. My mom who was in an abusive & narcissistic marriage chastised me for”airing my dirty laundry” about my marriage after initionally having my feelings hurt I talked to my mom & said I am not airing my dirty laundry, i am exposing his” and even though she is from a different generation I said to her, i dont believe that my going through this very emotional & damaging experienced was to just keep my mouth shut! No i went through this experience to learn & grow & to share my experience and to become a Warrior against the Narc & an advocate for their victims. I think i drank too much ice tea or maybe working out is improving my energy & outlook. Anyway Thank you again for all of your work & wisdom! Blessings & Love!
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I am right there with you, Pamela! We didn’t go through this for nothing. If our instincts are telling us to expose these monsters and “beasties”, then we should honor our inuition. From this experience, I have learned that NOTHING is by chance. Nothing. The chronology of my life has led me to this place. Yours has led you to this place. Our paths were crossed by abusive sociopaths/psychopaths/narcissists and can’t be uncrossed. I can’t ignore what it did to me and how I could have been destroyed by it if not for finding the strength inside of myself to not worry about my fears or about what others may think of me and my actions. I’ve been called crazy and obsessed. That’s pretty understandable, I guess. However, I have been called much worse by a person I trusted to love me. 🙂
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Paula is right Anonymous, no contact but that is easier said than done & after we have been dumped & disregarded we want & need answers because we are grieving the loss of a life & love that we treasured & cherished. The problem is our “loved one” is they are not dead, we are just dead to them & they are off living happily ever after with their current soul mate. They destroy our self esteem, our trust & belief in mankind. I hope & would support laws that made liars & cheaters accountable for the emotional abuse they inflinct on people. No contact protects you but drives the self centered egomaniacs crazy, it takes a long time & although I am still struggling I am starting to love & believe in myself again and for myself focusing on myself & ignoring the freak helps me feel more hopeful & in control. Keep talking to people here and stay connected. Remember that you ARE beautiful enough, lovable enough, sexy enough, smart enough & perfect just the way you are without his poor excuse for a human being ass in your life. And you ARE worthy & deserving of being loved and cherished uncondtionally. Take good care of yourself & try to stay away from reading, seeing or listening to anything about this jerk or his current flying monkey girlfriend that will harm you or make you sad. Remember you ARE enough!
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Hi Paula & Sweet Friends!
Just wanting to express my gratitude for this blog & your friendship and support. I believe in a way we have been chosen as Warriors against these Narc Beasties! If you haven’t watched the movie Meleficent, do it !!! It
is all about Narcisssism & Betrayal and I wont say anymore so as not to spoil it but anyone who has been a victim of a Narcissist has felt this way, but watch the movie. True Love always prevails…and yes the journey through these Beaties Hell is a journey not for the weak of heart or spirit. It is long, confusing, depressing, painful, humiliating and Life Changing Journey. I have recently been making lots of changes to better my world. One was to close my Facebook because it seemed my Narc Beastie had access ro my page & knew everywhere I would be & everything I was doing & in having that information would show up places with his current Flying Monkey Gfriend that he now lives with in the home we shared as husband & wife & we all know that no contact is necessary but difficult for us but for the Narc Beastie to not have contact or access to us is a huge blow to their enormous egos & their pitiful heartless souls. Anyway just want to thank you Paula for holding this space & for each & everyone of us who are struggling. The Universe has big plans for us & a big part of that plan is exposing the Narc Beasties & encouraging, validating & emotionally supporting our friends who are on this difficult journey too. I am grateful for 2015 because 2014 is over & I believe 2015 will be an amazing year for us all! Remember you were chosen to be a warrior against the Narc Beastie & we were chosen because The Universe knew we could handle the burden but also knew that we would make a positive difference in this world because of our experience! Blessings & Love!
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Oh, my goodness! Thank you, Pamela! Your encouragement is exactly what i needed. It becomes difficult some days to maintain the momentum, especially when progress seems so far away. But I, too, believe there is a shift on the horizon and 2015 is going to be monumental for us warriors and light workers. I won’t give up. You won’t give up. We are here until the end. And I will definitely check out the movie. Definitely!! XOXO
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I think you are very right. There are some of us that the universe believes were able to handle this abuse so we know first hand how to help others. I have to say tho, that while at work the other day, I literally broke down in tears thinking of this poor victim that he is with now. What if she is not strong enough to get out before she commits suicide or he kills her. It’s so heart wrenching. All I can do for her is pray. This is all definitely a process to get thru. I’ve been away for a month now and I’m still battling the emotions.
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Paula, My jaw has dropped several times when reading your posts. (I esp like the Village Idiot one!). But when you said “Sound familiar” I just about died. I think, How does she know? Holy smokes. It’s weird how similar these people are.
My question to you is about revenge. How does it really backfire? I really go from missing the N to realizing the truth and wanting revenge. I have acted on revenge many many times. I have done some things to him… he took me to court and because he had no proof or witnesses, and because (the judge said) my story was more credible, I was not implicated in any thing. I did more than he thought I did, and of course, I did not do all the things he said I did. I hate him for what he did to me and I just want to act out. I want to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I did do some mean things recently. I don’t know if he has any idea it was me or not (he has a few enemies who have done damage to his property of and on throughout the years. I’m not sure what instigated it. At the time he plead innocent and said they were completely unprompted by him. I believed him but now I do not.) I just really REALLY want him to suffer. I don’t want to end up in jail or commit a felony, but I want him to hurt. Ugh. I try not to think about him. When I do, I just get so mad.
I have had no contact 100% since December 22, 2014. I sent him a Christmas gift. How crazy am I? Of course, as you predicted, he responded with silence. I am OK with that bc I really do NOT want to see him, but I did want to get into his good graces again. I hate that I was left with rage with anger by him; he was disgusted with me, and I just wanted to change that dynamic.
So there are two sides to me. Missing and longing, wishing I could get into his good graces, and anger which leads to wanting (and acting on) revenge.
As we all sometimes say, What is wrong with me???
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Anonymous, First and foremost, there is NOTHING wrong with you. I am thrilled you didn’t get found guilty for what he accused you of doing. What a blessing. What I have discovered on this journey is that our blessings eventually run out, especially when we become fixated on revenge. I wanted revenge desperately. I wanted him to suffer like I suffered and like he made my son suffer. But once I let go of my ego (because our ego is what keeps us tethered to the need for acceptance and acknowledgment from these losers), I was also able to redirect my anger toward constructive ends rather than destructive ends.
In the aftermath, we are fighting deep cognitive dissonance and the confusion that the double bonds of love and betrayal play on our emotions and mental stability. We feel crazy and unlike ourselves as we slowly come out of a state of suspended disbelief into a state of reality and clarity. Our mind wants to play tricks on us and keep our disbelief suspended, while we logically fight against what we know is harmful to us. Like addicts who know the drug is unhealthy, victims and survivors of pathological love relationships yearn for one last taste of the sweetness we experienced in the early stages of the love affair. But, like drug addicts, we must finally realize that the “high” we are chasing is elusive…we will NEVER feel it again.
How do you let go of your ego and release that anger and transform it into something else? Well, first, you must have a desire to transform. With that desire, the revenge thoughts will be met with internal, mindful opposition. As a result, the revengeful thoughts will eventually stop coming. The other thing you must practice is NO CONTACT. No emailing, texting, taking calls or talking to people he knows just to get information about him. Also, start practicing compassion for yourself and accept who you are and your role in how you currently feel. There is no shame in having feelings. They are natural. It’s our nature to be pissed and to become angry at the way we were treated. After a while, however, I hated feeling so much hate and disgust for a single person. I hated it. Once I recognized I was giving all of my power to a worthless piece of trash (that’s not a judgment; it’s the truth), my ruminations slowly began to disintegrate.
I would also suggest finding a trusted therapist or counselor who understands the dynamics of emotional abuse and won’t keep pointing the finger at you as the cause or reason you found yourself in such a toxic relationship. These types eventually self implode. They lose everyone and everything because they are losers. It may not happen today or tomorrow or next year or even in five years, but he will eventually lose. 🙂
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Big big giant hug to you.
I have to read and re-read this one. I also left another comment below that you responded to. Big hug for that response as well. You’re a gifted writer in addition to a wonderful person for sharing your thoughts and your journey. I am finding your blog as one of my VERY VERY favorite and I look forward to all your posts. I’ll get your book too eventually.
Thank you Paula. In some of my next comments I can post my name, but because I shared some things here that someone might use against me, it was safer to say I was Anonymous.
I want to start a blog too. I want to document my journey of healing online.
Thank you so so much. I have a little son too.
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You’re welcome!! I am very happy you are considering a blog. It’s a life-changing endeavor. 🙂
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I sometimes feel the horrible cruel things he says to me, are things someone else has said to him. Any thoughts on this?
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I feel sometimes the horrible cruel things he says to me , are things other people have said to him….any thoughts on this?
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More than likely, they are things he’s said to himself about himself and what others with courage have also said to him about him. It’s all projection…all of the ugly things he screams in your direction. He wants you to feel as worthless as he is. But don’t pity him for being such a self-destructive con man. He’s an adult and has a choice like everyone else to be a better person, but he chooses to continue being an asshole.
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I have a son going through the same thing – he takes his anger out on me and I don’t know what to do to help him. I’m having some therapy which is helping, but also have been traumatised by people on another site that is supposed to be for survivors, abusing me. We discovered that my ex fiancee was an N in August and have been struggling to piece our lives back together since. He left me with a massive ‘moat’ in the garden, having torn down my conservatory whilst I was recovering from an operation in May. Also owing me money and having stolen my rings. He deserted us whilst we were on holiday and assaulted me just before he left. We have both been in shock since.
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I am very sorry, Anonymous. I hope you left the online group and turned your focus to the one-on-one therapy. Your son would benefit from his own counselor in order to sort his anger so it’s not directed at you. He’s angry about something and his anger deserves an outlet. But he’s confused and frustrated, more than likely, by the emotional ups and downs he was exposed to by your ex N. You’re both going through an emotional and spiritual detox that requires a shared patience and love with and for each other. By working on repairing and healing your mother-son bond, you’ll both realize you’re together in your anger and pain. You can serve to validate each other to overcome and move beyond the wreckage and fill in that moat. 🙂
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Hi Paula! I am so very grateful for the many blogs & social media sites dealing with this toxic & cancerous relationship!!! Over 5 yrs ago I came home to find my ex N in our home with his married patient, he is a Physical Therapist aka Physical Terrorist! OW…that was only the beginning of my mind boggling, heart breaking & eye opening, dance with the Devil. I am now divorced & just recently moved from our home which he is promptly moving in with his new GF & no I don’t feel sorry for her & believe she is an N also. The GF was “our” mutual friend that while we were still married & after his affair he, ex N announced to me one day about 3 yr ago that she GF was his new best friend that loved him & he trusted her!@#!@!@@! And well you know how that story goes…they don’t stop until they break you. But in a relationship with an N Breaking is Good, because once they have broken you it is only then that we start asking questions & researching & learning. It is truth that there is Power in Knowledge. Once you know, you will continue to learn & grow strong enough to Break away from them. I believe that it is our moral & spiritual responsibility as survivors of these Beasts to encourage, comfort & protect our Brothers & Sisters struggling with these dark & dangerous creatures! If it were not for the validation that I was not “the crazy one” that I received from reading & responding to these LIFE CHANGING & SAVING blogs, websites & conversations, I don’t know what or where I would be today. I am not political at all, & I am not fond of strict rules & regulations…but I am Warrior for upholding moral values & beliefs. I mean if I went into a store and just stole something off a shelf & walked out, I would be stealing & there would be consequences for me for that action & if I intentionally physically harmed another soul, there would be consequences for my behavior Right? Either jail time, fines, law suits…But these N’s can steal your hopes & dreams and emotionally destroy you and what happens to them? Nothing! I believe there is Karma, but my argument is we are talking about an N, they have no empathy, no feelings or soul how would something spiritual affect them? They should have to pay DEARLY for their crimes by being exposed for the lying, cheating monsters that they are to everyone. But more importantly the victims of their abuse need to be cared for, supported & compensated for the crimes against them. Thank you again for holding this space for us! My journey through Hell has inspired me to share my experience with others who are struggling so that I can validate, comfort & encourage them through to the other side. Blessed Be!
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I agree Pamela. I too was duped by my ex girlfriend. She promised everything and talked about marriage all the time. A month before things became rough she professed this once again.One day things fell apart and within a week she was in Michigan with someone else. It’s so unfair that they can come into your life and basically destroy it. I think there needs to be more awareness and should be taught in High school. There is so much about the disease but very little for survivors. Time to make a change
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Absolutely…time for a change!! 🙂
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[…] FAQs – Sociopath Abuse Recovery […]
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All so true! So grateful for the pages and these posting I honestly don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have all these (including yourself THANK YOU xoxox) wonderful people taking the time to take a stand and tell their side of their own stories in this abuse – most of all helping other victims!
All from my marriage to my husband I really did think I was crazy and emotionally had problems , he went so far as to tell my children this and others who were close. He led me to believe the broken marriage was my fault and now I have the strength to know better but I still have a long battle with many obstacles to get through financially.
I know in time once I get through this tremendous mess, I really want to tell my full side of my 24 years (maybe write a book..lol), to help others not make the mistakes I did and hope that I can help someone before its to late for them. The hardest is with the kids, even though teenagers and young adults the pitting against sides with the socio and myself mental/emotional and financial manipulations is heartbreaking. I have lost one of my children of legal age to the unfolding of this struggle and Im struggling to get him to see me and get past the anger and and get him back from being detached – Im so worried I cant get through to him and cant get him to go to therapy! My sociopath even graced me with telling me that my children’s struggles were all my fault and Im the reason why my children are falling apart and the reason I have been in school guidance and with counselors in struggling to overcome all of this for my kids. Thanks for being here and the support 🙂
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This describes my life with my soon to be ex- still married and going through this hell – in a 24 year marriage! Didnt know who I was dealing with until I went into therapy, now I’m angry I didn’t do something sooner and for my kids! Its jaw dropping that every description in this article describes him and what has been happening to me over the past 7 months in the battle of divorce. Especially the “dead” as if my life with him didnt exist and Im to walk away from everything I built with him. The new girlfriend he parades around with and were not even divorced yet or will he give me the respect of cleaning his mess up from his life with me. Just walked away and Im picking up the destroyed pieces with my life with him and my kids. So Sad and Frustrated that emotional and mental abuse can happen this easy and destroy many loved ones life – and the socio path is the one who never gets help they just keep hurting the ones who love them. I
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It’s very sad that they never get help. Love to them is about possession and personal gains and benefits. As long as the sociopath gets what he wants and desires, the sociopath will “love” you. Once the sociopath has drained you of your worth and dignity, the sociopath will get bored and begin plotting an exit plan. Part of that plan is to make you, the one being discarded, look like the crazy and unstable one. How do they do this? Easy…they simply treat you as they’ve always thought of you…like you don’t matter. And you don’t matter to the sociopath. Once you can accept this and stop fighting against this insanity and begging to be treated like a human with a heart, you’ll be able to begin to heal and live again. When we are dealing with someone who lacks a heart and a conscience, why would we expect that person to respect our heart and our conscience? Like writers who write what they know, sociopaths behave based on what they know. And their knowledge is limited to what they know of themselves…and they are empty.
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Paula, you wrote:
Easy…they simply treat you as they’ve always thought of you…like you don’t matter. And you don’t matter to the sociopath.
But it really appears as if the new source in fact DOES matter. I read notes he wrote to her, things he did not do for me. He’s taken her places he would not take me. It really REALLY does appear they are a match made in heaven. (as you wrote above). Seriously, it’s so hard to believe he is treating her like he treated me. TO ME… it appears he is treating her BETTER! Much MUCH better….
And he’s not showing off. I’m the dork who’s been snooping. 😦
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First, stop snooping. It’s a form of breaking No Contact. You’ll drive yourself crazy, like you are now, comparing yourself to her and wondering what you could have done better or why you didn’t get what the new woman is getting. Second, he’s only treating her, because he must meet all of her needs in the early love-bombing stage to get her hooked. If her thing were becoming a pro-wrestler, he’d join a gym for her. If her thing were cooking only purple food, he’d have eggplants growing from his armpits. They do what they need to do to mirror their new victim in order to make the new victim fall in love. They don’t know how to be themselves, because they have no identity outside of whomever they are currently conning. Look back to how your relationship evolved. He did things for you and mirrored you. Think back. And whatever this new girl is getting now are probably things you asked for AFTER he hooked you, things you wanted but were dangled in front of your face like carrots, right?
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Yes, carrots. Constantly. CON-STANT-LEEEEEE…. How did you ever know? My goodness.
They have been together 5 months. How long before he begins to devalue her? We were together 3 years, and we went thru ups and downs. I pushed away my intuition and learned how to treat him based on my “rewards”. After 3 years, I finally, one day, called him on his shit. I blew his cover. I had no idea what narcissism, sociopath-ism, or psychopath-ism was. Just described my analysis of him one night when I was in so much pain and finally had the courage. It was then he lined up a new source, courted her and dumped me 2 months later.
Oh lordie, do I have to wait 3 years for her to dump him too?
I know, I know. Don’t wait. Go no contact and eventually my brain will catch up with my common sense and my fog will clear.
No contact is the only way to go, right?
xx oo xx oo
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[…] FAQs – Understanding and Recovering from Pathological Abuse and Trauma […]
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Thank you xoxo these pages and posting are a tremendous help in aiding In the healing and recovering! I did believe I was crazy and was unstable from him for many years and he did that to my kids also! My oldest son is the one I’m scared for I love him so much but has a lot if anger for me and is withdraw and very confrontational and I now struggle how to help him – I’m scared I’m losing him more to this and struggling to get him into therapy – 18 and won’t go
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That’s a tough age. He’s forming and struggling to establish his own identity. Therapy isn’t appealing for many reasons and associated stigmas. Give him the space to discover his own opinions, feelings, and POV. He WILL fail and struggle. Just be there waiting when he comes knocking. 🙂
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