Sociopaths aren’t just the serial killers and rapists we see on the 6 o’clock news. They are our neighbors, co-workers, friends, family members, and sometimes our “soul mates.”

Sociopaths are the charmers and manipulators. They are the people who appear together and well-groomed at first glance, but hide many secrets and lies underneath their mask of sanity.

Sociopaths, in the early love-bombing stage of an intimate relationship, use many superlatives in order to woo and control their victims.

They say things to intoxicate you into compliance:

  • “You are the love of my life.”
  • “I have never known anyone like you.”
  • “You are perfect for me.”
  • “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
  • “I never want to leave your side.”
  • “You are the most beautiful person I have ever met.”
  • “We are perfect for each other.”
  • “You are exactly what I have been looking for my entire life.”

The following is taken from my book: Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath:


Do you know what it feels like to be locked up, placed in a dungeon of a partner’s creation? If so, you’re not alone. If not, pray you never do.

Abuse comes in many forms and affects many people in the victim’s life. Emotional, physical, and sexual abuses are equally degrading and harmful. One is not better than the other or worse than the other. They are ALL abuse.

This story is specifically about emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic sociopath.

According to Dr. Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door, sociopaths make up 4% of western society (Stout, 2010). That’s about 1 in 25 people walking around among us without a conscience, without the ability to measure, or care to measure, the morality of their decisions and actions. Would you know how to identify a sociopath if you saw one, met one, started an intimate relationship or entered into a business contract with one? More than likely, your answer is No, because unlike what we read on the television news or see in Hollywood movies, sociopaths aren’t just serial killers and murderers. Rather, they are members of our communities who we would never suspect of evil or wrong doing and who seamlessly blend into society with the rest of us. How? Through lies, manipulations, and more lies.

In romance, narcissistic sociopaths often appear too good to be true. They are charming, agreeable, and engaging. The narcissistic sociopath loves (or seems to love) everything about you. He hooks you. Then he breaks you. His emotional abuse is VERY subtle. The victim may not know she is being victimized until it is nearly too late.

Identifying narcissistic sociopaths

Although not all narcissists are sociopaths, all sociopaths are narcissists (Stout 2010). Therefore, if you can identify a narcissist, you’re one step closer to being able to recognize a sociopath. Below is a definition of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and a list of narcissistic traits taken directly from the website of Dr. Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self-Love. (If you know someone who fits at least 5 or more of these traits, a psychiatrist could easily diagnose him/her as having NPD.)

The DSM-IV-TR defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as “an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts,” such as family life and work.

1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);

5. Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;

6. Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;

8. Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;

9. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy (http://samvak.tripod.com).

Once it’s clear you’re dealing with a narcissist, go through the following list to see if the narcissist is also a sociopath. (You’ll discover many overlapping traits from each list.) The list below of 20 sociopathic traits is taken directly from the book Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us by Dr. Robert D. Hare, Ph.D:

1. Glib and superficial charm. The tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Sociopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A sociopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2. Grandiose self-worth. A grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Sociopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

3. Need for stimulation or proneness to boredom. An excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Sociopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

4. Pathological lying. Can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.

5. Conning and manipulative. The use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.

6. Lack of remorse or guilt. A lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.

7. Shallow affect. Emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. Callousness and lack of empathy. A lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. Parasitic lifestyle. An intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. Poor behavioral controls. Expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. Promiscuous sexual behavior. A variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. Early behavior problems. A variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

13. Lack of realistic, long-term goals. An inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14. Impulsivity. The occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

15. Irresponsibility. Repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16. Failure to accept responsibility for own actions. A failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

17. Many short-term marital relationships. A lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

18. Juvenile delinquency. Behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

19. Revocation of condition release. A revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.

20. Criminal versatility. A diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes. (Hare 2011).

In addition to the above two lists of traits, the biggest trait (or magic trick as I like to call it) that makes narcissistic sociopaths so dangerous and effective is their ability to go unnoticed by the rest of us. They can do this, because they are good at pretending (lying) and wearing many masks (again, lying). Simply put, they lie to themselves and everyone else. They lie so much that some of them are convinced of their own lies, which is where evil is born.

I am no psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor. However, I have lived alongside a narcissistic sociopath and feel the need to share, even if in a tale-like fiction setting, how I understand the psychopathology that insidiously penetrated my body, mind, and spirit until I was nearly convinced that I was the evil one. How? Projection, transference, and control, that’s how.

I hope you enjoy this story and pass it along to your family, friends, others you love, and anyone you suspect is or has been a victim.

Paula Carrasquillo ~ July 2012
Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath


Paula Carrasquillo, M.A. lives and works in the Washington, D.C. area. She holds a master’s degree in Communication and Adult Education and a bachelor’s degree in English. Paula is currently enrolled in a 200-hour yoga teacher training program and hopes to be certified in July 2014. Her next book, “Embracing Your Light: Minful Healing and Recovery from Sociopath Abuse” is set to be published in late 2014.

Join the conversation! 961 Comments

  1. […] Identifying the Narcissistic Sociopath–After reading this on Paula’s Pontifications, sociopathy becomes a distinct possibility not just for one, but for both my blog stalkers.  It is, of course, hard to be absolutely sure, but as the above blogger advises, better to behave as if they are.  It’s safer. […]

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  2. For years I’ve been describing myself as a narcissistic sociopath to my friends. They never seem to believe me. While I can feel, or at least what I call feeling, it’s not automatic or passive. I logic my emotions into being. I don’t think, “Oh, that’s a cute puppy” and feel happy at thinking it. I see the puppy and think, “That’s a puppy, a young dog. They would probably like this thing.” and throw out a smile for everyone to see, then make some sarcastic remark about being a cat person and steer the attention back to myself and my conversation. Empathy is something that takes effort for me, and must be “turned off/on” like a switch. That last bit is particularly useful.

    I’ve never been violent, not that I’m against it. I’ve used the threat of violence to get my way several times, but physically at least I’ve never intentionally hurt someone. I have no problems with the thought of killing someone if it served my needs, but I’m fairly lazy and there are usually easier ways to get a job done. I’ve never really had my back up against a wall in that way.

    I tend to surround myself with people that are lesser than me, my friends included. People smarter or more talented than myself, as rare as they are, are usually objects of observation. Best kept at a distance, to be studied and analyzed. Almost like they have some secret for me to become even greater than I am now. I don’t resent them, unless they flaunt their particular talent in front of me. At its worst, the paranoia that they are intentionally trying to sabotage me may set in. I usually recognize this as paranoia and dismiss it, but I have confronted people over stupid things before.

    As far as holding a job, I’ve worked at the same place for two years now. This is a huge milestone as I usually keep a job for a few months at most. My co-workers all admire me, and my manager is afraid of me. I do the jobs no one wants to do, and they love me for it. Is it beneath me to do work like that? Of course, but it’s a gas station. It’s only natural for the entire job to be beneath me. I do it anyways, for survival.

    Regarding crime and sexual behavior, I’m a clean slate. I’ve had few sexual partners, and never at the same time. What can I really say? Dating is pricey and porn is free. As far as crime, people being suspicious of me doing something would really hamper my ability to “blend in” with the rest of you normal folk. My choices are guided by risk and reward, not by some moral code. Being notorious and the center of attention sounds nice, but eventually the bars will close on that cell door. Everyone gets caught, I’d be a fool to think otherwise. I’d much rather keep the adoration I already have, and garner more little by little. I’m very patient.

    When it comes to relationships, I am incredibly territorial. I can be jealous, and I made sure all my previous partners knew this. One of which was even an exhibitionist and tried to use that fact against me. She was fun. What I call love is probably more like a business transaction. You bring something to the table and so do I, if this works out well for us both the relationship continues. I don’t get emotionally attached, but I can get accustomed to the support a significant other provides. I have never been abusive, but when a relationship ends I can become enraged. How dare anyone say I’m not good enough? Naturally, it’s never my fault.

    I am a self-serving, manipulative person. I’m not perfect, no matter how hard I try to be. Honestly, if I was I think I’d be pretty boring.

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  3. I have been a away a while, been a busy person, i saw in here a question for me, by a Nick, he asked basically what i feel and how i feel it, what i fake and what i dont (he may not read anymore but i will answer anyway).
    Well first off i cannot drink in general due to a surgery when i was a baby, a few beers but i never go far enough to get drunk enough to have a hangover, a few beers is sometimes required to meet up with some people.
    I feel pain just like everyone, i choose not to get high for the same reason i dont drink, doesnt mean i havnt done that in my life time, but again learned it didnt serve my needs, I get sick, not so sure its like everyone else, if im with someone i will make seem much worse than it is, or when im around people I will again do the same, but alone i will keep it in the back of my head until i need to bring it out, but of course a cold or flu hits me like everyone else, but in general i think that the lack of feeling or lack of care about it might make me feel less of it than others, however i can not confirm or deny that, i use sickness as a ticket to sympathy, which of course would be a form of control.
    For those here that may not have read my posts, im not here to make fun of anyone, like you im here to learn and share, i do know what i do, and i do it anyway.
    Me and Paula have discussed a couple times, i believe ive made it fairly clear im not here for any ill intent.
    Ive read a number of the recent posts here as you are more likely to still be reading, One thing that seems to be forgotten is the lack of emotion the true soc-narcs have, i dont get an adrenaline rush from controlling and deceiving others, its more like giving a dog a bone, I will do what it takes to get another bone, and if I continue to get them I will keep doing it, when it stops, I will step up to the next level until I get that bone again, so its more like following a trail of break crumbs to keep the control and deceiving going.

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  4. I can identify with so much of this but not with my husband. I have said for years that my 37 year old son is a NS. Our life was a living hell while he was at home. I remember saying when he was 8 years old “if this is what he is like at 8 what will he be like at 16?” We had him tested for everything imaginable and basically were told we were bad parents and it was our fault. He is now divorced and has two kids that we love very much. But of course he has convinced them that we don’t love them because we don’t see them enough. We try very hard to see them but he doesn’t allow us to. Sadly, they believe him. I only hope that in time they will see the truth and come back into our lives. But as long as they are under his influence they won’t.

    He doesn’t like me (Mom) because I am the only one in his life that has ever called him on his behavior, everyone else has enabled him so of course he thinks I am the one with the problem since no one else complains. It has caused a rift in my family because my parents and sister continue to enable him at 37 years old!

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  5. Hi there,

    I just stumbled across this blog while doing a google search for the definition of sociopath.
    Iam new to finally seeing it for what it is, i suspected it for so long and finally decided to do some research and bingo! I was right! And no it is not me imagining things. Holy cow.

    I went through the nightmarish hell of living with my husband and ADD son in my sociopath mother-in-laws house for 13 years. I am just now realizing that i think my husband is also suffering from some patterns as well, although he is not half as bad as his mom. I have confronted them on several occasions only to be told, it is me of course, who is the trouble maker. It is a long story and it is a late hour of the night for me right now, so i wont be writing too much.

    I am still in this marriage and still living in this house with them but i have managed to draw boundaries and cut them out as much as i possibly can. I am in the process of starting a home business and will be able to leave within 2-4 years for financial reasons.

    What i really want to say is that as intensely horrible as the experience was for me (i suffered a nervous breakdown and had a near death experience -that was the lowest point for me) I am now much stronger, braver, wiser and confident than i swear i have ever been before in my life. I am coming out of this a completely new and better person. It was a horror yet extremely transformative for me.

    Intense meditation daily is what saved me and healed me. Im pretty sure i would probably be in a straight jacket right now, if it hadn’t been for that.

    I find myself occasionally questioning if i should seek therapy because i do have what i *think* might be slight PTSD moments….but they are not that often, maybe 3 or 4 times a month and not that severe. I do manage to catch myself going into one after a few seconds and manage to stop them. Does that require therapy you think? It’s hard to tell, i am not a therapist but I want to make sure i am 100% ok.

    I am an empath which i do not see mentioned here so i am not sure if anyone is aware of this, but i remember reading somewhere a few months ago that empaths were targets for sociopaths? Because we are the complete opposite of them so they prey on us. Not sure how true this actually is but now it is making me feel weary of trusting people. I know i am better off for recognizing the problem but still have this slight fear of omg what if this happens again.

    I do feel strong but i don’t know i guess i just want to make sure i am 100% ok, Maybe i should talk to someone just to make sure. What is your take on this? Do you think therapy is necessary?
    Please, i would love some advice and would appreciate your perspective. Thanks.

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    • Jenny,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story and infusing this comment section with hope. Seeking a therapist is a very personal choice and one you must make for yourself. The very fact you are contemplating it suggests your gut is telling you that what you’re doing to counter the effects of your experience is not enough. You may need more than just meditation.

      For me, I felt like my therapy sessions were highly inadequate and ineffective. The medication was counterproductive to healing and took away my ability to feel anything!

      Luckily, I stumbled onto yoga. From there, I found the strength to write. I changed my diet. I meditated. I communicated with others going through similar struggles. I created a personalized prescription of integrative and holistic approaches to healing and recovery. I no longer rely on medication or traditional therapy.

      But therapy is a highly personal decision. In my newsletters, I share a lot of holistic and integrative techniques and lifestyle options recommended for healing and living a more open and loving life moving forward.

      Empaths, introverts and highly sensitive folks have a tough time sifting through the fog without getting distracted by the new emotions, sensations and pain that emerge naturally as we move through all of the stages of grief and recovery. Having a therapist, coach, mentor or willing friend to listen and keep us focused on the light is ideal and recommended. We simply can’t expect ourselves to do it alone. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength.

      ~Paula

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    • In my experience empaths are very much targets & we tend to take a lot longer to heal… A support group is very important, it’s helps normalize the extreme abuse we’ve been subjected to… You’re on the right path: just have people around supporting you who don’t minimise what ever you need to heal

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  6. Be wary of people who manipulate conversations to get you to say and do things you feel uncomfortable about. They could be using NLP, or neuro-linguistic-programming on you (look it up). Lovebombing is how most victims get sucked in: they are tired of the “games” people play with each other in communication and are flattered by a narcissist’s confidence and constant attention @vixentalent. You may be fooled into thinking that this means a narcissist is truly interested in you, when in fact, he or she is grooming you for abuse (for money, sex, sadistic pleasure in your pain) – anything they can get from you! Trust me and RUN.

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    • just dated a guy for six weeks who turned out to be a sociopath. I had an creepy crawling feeling from day 1 but looked past my worries and THAT STARE and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Smart, charming, good looking, great job, well-off, somewhat introverted, well read, and very into me… what more could you want right? ha. wrong.

      Luckily, I ended things at six weeks although he still managed to hurt me, use me, catch me totally off guard, and make me extremely angry…

      One red flag was the questions…sometimes via text and late at night before bed, out of nowhere. Asking about me missing my deceased mom on mother’s day. Asking if I felt fulfilled in life and/or what would make me feel fulfilled.
      I thought maybe he was highly intuitive and a deep thinker. NOPE.
      They really love to push any buttons they can get away with and pry as deep as possible. DON’T LET THEM. and YES. RUN. They are actual monsters.

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    • This is happening to me to the max i need to save myself before it gets to late and i end up in a place i dont need to b in the person responsible for this mess should own up and b solid like he/she says what do i do ?!??

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    • The person who is destroying everything will never be responsible. The first thing you must do is realize that and let go of the idea that you’ll receive any type of immediate justice. It doesn’t happen that way. Instead, prepare to leave. Prepare for heartache and the excruciating process of severing the fraudulent love bond you thought you had formed with this person. I’m very sorry. But you are strong enough to do this.

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  7. Wow! So much hurt and pain! I have been living with a Narc for 22 years. I knew things were bad 20 years ago when she would get into these raging fits over how to not fold a towel. But I was a frog in warm water wanting things to work out. She had been so charming our first 2 years I wanted to believe this was just a blip in the road. It has been my road for 20 years and now she has replaced me and quickly moving on to another victim. From reading this blog I know that I should be grateful, so grateful. It’s letting go of what I thought could have been that’s hard. I am told that time and God heals all things. Full of hope I move forward.

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    • Time, God and the belief that you’re worth the joy and happiness your pain and suffering is keeping you from living helps us heal. 🙂

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    • I left a relationship of twenty years and only just came to realize I had been living with a sociopath all this time. I’m now trying to divorce her and get out with my two lovely daughters. I have to keep one step ahead of her desire to destroy me and win her evil game. I know that once I have my children living with me, then all of her pawns in her sick chess game are gone and she will move on to her next victim. May that day come very soon.

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  8. wow, i have dealt with a female sociopath, i didn’t open my eyes until the very end. I could feel something was different something was wrong but ones i found out about her past it was a shock and heart breaking experience…hit me hard and its hard to recover.

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  9. I assure you it is possible for someone who has NS as someone calls it to know they have it and to be willing to share, why would i want to admit to being one of these bad people as you call us, well i guess you could say i have recently become amused by how someone like me is viewed and how others “attempt” to understand us. for many years i did things without even noticing, finally i realized the little voice in my head was “supposed” to be a conscience, however it tells me that when ive done something wrong, why stop?
    For years i did it without my knowing, didnt really understand it until i stopped and thought about it, it took something very cold hearted (no ive never physically harmed anyone) for me to think “i should have felt something there” thats when i realized that i didnt feel anything, i know that im supposed to feel things, society tells me i should feel bad… or good, or what ever, but i never did..
    Also its not true that we we cant look at our selves, we do, we do all the time, we just dont care, we dont have that little reflex that says, stop! So I know what i just did, but if you dont feel bad about it, why would you stop doing it?
    emotions stops almost everyone here from doing things, what stops me is being bored, or the potential that it will ruin my later plans.

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    • It’s not emotions that stop people; it’s their conscience. And looking at yourself involves going beyond the surface of your actions. It goes beyond accepting or rejecting them. Thanks for continuing to reinforce what many of us already understand about people without conscience. Of course you’re going to tell us we’re wrong about what we think you think because we actually think deeper about what you do than you do. Makes total, logical sense that you protest so much.

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    • Oh no im not going to tell you that you are wrong about what you think about us, your absolutely right, you dont understand some aspects of it, but for the most part you get my “disorder” correct. all i want to see is if someone can understand this 1 concept, or rather.. is it possible for a normal person to understand 1 thing, can you think of simple emotions and not tie memories or “feelings” to them? when were you, happy, sad, angry, joyful, frustrated. see i can read each one of those words and each of them mean the same exact thing, they are an idea, i know how i should act tward them, but to act them on my own accord is pretty much impossible, im wondering if the flip side of that is true.

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    • You mean can a person who has a conscience, the ability to feel and be empathic also experience the lack of feelings? Can we experience being numb, essentially? Yes. Of course, we can. It’s the state we MUST move through in order to fully recover from being exposed to people without conscience who are numb themselves. The only way to respond to being treated as non-humans is to, in turn, associate our experiences being treating as objects as if we never experienced those experiences as humans in the first place. When I think about my relationship with the man without conscience, I no longer feel angry, happy, sad or wanting. I recognize my self in the memories as an object, a sleeping zombie, and I feel nothing. And it feels great, ironically. Do you understand? Is that direct enough for you? Unsullied by emotions? Flat enough of an explanation for you to comprehend?

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    • Paula im not here to pick a fight, or make anyone mad, which i know it feels like what im trying to do, and believe it or not your post at least does contain hints of emotion, maybe none of the described ones, but that of remorse, again you are attaching a memory even if not that of the ones i mentioned, you are attaching one of pain, because someone like me hurt you, so while yes you may be able to block the rest, the overall one, you cannot no matter how much you want, believe it or not, and you wont, im not here to pick on anyone, I like you wish to learn about my self, you wish to learn about your self and help others, and you do seemingly well at it, i simply wish to learn for selfish purposes, but i still desire education, and that is why i asked the question i did.
      dont misunderstand me, i too can learn, and thats all im trying to do, i want to understand something that i cant feel on my own, as you wish to understand why i am the way i am.

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    • Jess, any emotions you claim you you sense from my writing is coming from my present emotions as I attempt to explain emotions to you, someone who will repeatedly get it wrong regardless of how well I articulate what I’m feeling or not feeling. You attach a surface analysis to everything. That works in business and early stages of relationships, but serves no one except yourself, who moves on to the next person or job because you’ve become bored, as you claim, with the surface. In addition, If you think the emotion I attach to my past is that of being hurt, you’re just as obtuse as the next person without conscience that I’ve run across. It’s not about being hurt. In order for you to understand what it’s really about, you’d need to access your empathy and your remorse. You have neither, so continuing to express myself by tapping into the depths of my core is a vain exercise on my part. You won’t get it, so why waste my time?

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    • I dont feel good or bad about my past, in fact i dont feel anything at all, so when you say you look back as a sleeping zombie and it feels good, thats where we differ, i look back and i honestly feel nothing, i can think of any situation and i cant link a single emotion to it, i know how the society “normal” would feel about it and how im “expected” to feel about it, but i dont feel that emotion no matter how much id pretend i did if you and i were to meet person to person, but my honest emotion is more like that of a ekg flatline. do you need to fake your zero emotions? like i fake having emotions, or can you honestly seperate them? thats the concept im trying to understand

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    • I don’t fake anything. But you’re faking your interest in “understanding”.

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    • Im asking in my opinion a simple question, as far as i know ive done nothing to hone such disdain, as i stated i want to understand the concept of if normal people can turn off their emotions, im just wishing to be educated in the concept, as i said for selfish purposes, i too can be educated, i cant be taught the emotion, but i can learn the concept, when you “shut off” your emotion, does it easily come back on, like if someone told a funny joke do you laugh because it was funny, or are you doing what i do and laugh because its expected?

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    • Hi

      Jess, I think you give a very interesting point.
      I think we all like to understand what you do enjoy and what you fake:
      e.g. food / sex / travelling / dancing / jokes / reading / comedies / being admired / drunk./ high on drugs / being in company of others ?

      Also would you prefer to be like everyone else .e.g. with more empathy?

      I am also very interested how you feel your own bodily stress:
      before the age of 30 you ever felt really ill from hangovers/ or if you caught little sleep or if a flu makes you feel as ill as the rest of us? if you in fact do feel your body when it feels tired as much as the rest of us or do u actually think others are all much more sensitive to hangovers/ feeling of general tiredness than you?

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    • Interesting questions related to bodily stresses, Nick. I’m curious about the answers he’ll provide.

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    • awesome I’m just like you I think the most important thing is to make sure that you get out there and tell your story to everybody first so that even before they meet them they already are on my side this is work well for me for many many relationships the one I’m in right now I’ve been in for about 7 yearsand he’s a fool he lives by his heart and he keeps coming back no matter how cruel and mean I am to I made it thanks to my family about him so that he can’t come to my family events and can’t come to any Christmas or anything nowI think I pretty much created the world so he doesn’t even have a single friend who has one friend but he doesn’t talk to him because he’s so depressedhaha that’s a joke every time he starts crying I just yell and call me tell him he’s not a man and he’s in he’s not really a human being even reallyso I hope that how tall is psycho pass out there actually nurse narcissistic is the most important part of itbecause I believe my own lies so what’s really li

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  10. I used to be married to a narcissist sociopath! We had a 10 year marriage, got divorced just about 11 years ago now. He seemed normal for the most part during out marriage, then I started noticing his changing attitude. The more money he made (he did his own online business) the more arrogant he became and would start to put me down in snide comments that he works a real job while I stay at home with our children. Ugg.. I noticed he started “purchasing” peoples affection and I asked why does he feel that he needs to do that and his reply was if I would do the same thing then maybe more people would like me too.

    Got the divorce, a year or so after our divorce he started a ponzie scheme online and manipulated thousands of innocent people to “invest” in his scam, which he made millions off. The SEC stepped in and nailed him then took him to civil court which he didn’t show up for and claimed he didn’t know what date it was supposed to held as his lawyer was “in a coma” so he didn’t show up. Nailed him for 4 million in fines. Then came the Secret Service who investigate money crimes on the internet and took him to criminal court where he again was nailed and sentence for 5 years in federal prison (where he is today) and fined an additional 4.5 million in retribution to his victims.

    He has convinced our daughters that he is innocent… B.S. he knows what he did and much more. my oldest daughter is so conned by him that she seriously thinks that I had something to do with him going to prison and that I am to blame. My younger one follows right along, Uphill battle with them at this time but I know hopefully with age they will come around and see the truth.

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    • I’m so sorry about your children, Karen. But you’re absolutely right about then eventually learning and figuring out the truth about their father. I’m glad he’s been held accountable and where he deserves to be.

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    • Paula, I’m so thankful I ran across this article! I’m just getting out of a 7 year marriage with a sociopath.of course until recently I had no idea he was a narcissistic sociopath. I always thought it was his drug addiction (which he hid so well in the beginning). After counseling for both of us, then some of the craziest stuff I’ve ever experienced , which has resulted in an order of protection, my counselor informed me that my husband suffers from a combination of personality disorders. He has done a number on me. I wake up anxious because he is immediately on my mind. My head says one thing, but my heart says another. My counselor says I’m still emotionally attached. He attached himself to my dreams, goals, favorite places, family, etc. so now if I think of or see any of that, I’m reminded of him. I moved two hours away from my hometown of 42 years, to get away from the memories and from him (I was afraid of his instability). The hardest thing is letting go of something I thought was real. I saw on the list that short term marital relationships are one of their characteristics. At first I thought “well I can’t believe he stuck around for 7 years”, but then I reminded myself that he needed me to financially support him. I’m so lost and in so much pain. My heart not only aches for me but for our grandchild who was so, so close to him. Sorry for the long post, but truthfully, after being with this crazy man for 7 years, it could’ve been so much longer.
      Kimberly

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    • I am very sorry, Kimberly. Your therapist is correct. You are still attached. We become deeply attached through the love bond and the betrayal bond, ironically. We spend so much time focused on the dream and fantasy they create, that even after they are physically out of our environment (out of sight), they remain on our minds. But there is hope. Lots of hope. Finally realizing the trick your mind has played on you in tandem with his tricks, you can begin to unravel the chaos and move through the fog. It takes time. Be patient with yourself. Practice meditation or do something you love to do that brings you joy and calm. Many like to hike or walk or sing or paint. These solo activities bring us closer to the parts of us we lost and allowed to get intermingled with the sociopath/narcissist. Our identities were lost. Re-capture who you are outside of any person, place or thing and you’ll release yourself of the anxiety and create new dreams, goals and favorite places.

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    • My story is similar to yours except I am still married, 14 years together, 6 years married. He did 5 years for securities fraud and has 1 million to pay back in restitution and this happened before we met back in the 90’s. Our kids are still too young to know about his past. We are supposed to be splitting up this summer but I am so nervous. He has just been diagnosed with bipolar 2 and put on seroquel which makes his anger worse.

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  11. I read your article with great interest, however I would like to ask why the sexist use of “him” and “his” in the article, when women can be narcissistic sociopaths too?

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    • Thanks for asking, Anonymous. I wrote this from my perspective in the early stages of my healing almost three years ago. My abuser is a male, hence the gender-specific writing. My intent was not to insinuate that only men are sociopaths. My only intent at the time of writing this particular piece was to purge myself through the therapeutic power of writing what surfaced inside of me.

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  12. All I can say is…be brave take a deep breath. Read everything you can asap. It will all make sense then and hopefully give you the power to get out. They fill you with love and hopes and dreams, and everything they want you to hear so you let your guard down. Before you know it, you will be empty of who you are. They will pull away leaving you trying to gain their attention by doing anything and everything you can think of. If I could odcslit my wrists without dying, just for his attention, I would have. And when you can’t think if anything else, you will feel hopeless and desperate. Its sad. Very sad. I’m still having a hard time comprehending how they are void of human feelings. That part of the brain just doesn’t work.

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  13. […] such as Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath—these three very often used interchangeably in terms of the abuse such […]

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    • I seen alllmost all of these traits in myself and my biyfriends. Its depressing i dont like being this way….and i dont like him being this way neither but i love him

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  14. WARNING TO MEN OR WOMAN: 1. If you are entering into a relation make sure your mate has friends. If they don’t find out why that maybe a bad sign. Mine didn’t. 2. (Young People) when you move in together make sure the other half talks with their parents and get the ok. After all it is their child and they love them unconditionally. My wife told me she spoke with her parents jumping in the car and they were ok. A few days later I found she just left them and I took the fall never telling her father she was to get the ok. A year or so later we got along great after we were married. BUT I was thinking my god she did the same thing to her mother and father in a way with no care for their feelings and THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG. A person, who does not respect their parents, if their parents are nice normal parents, could mean that person has some serious problems that might not be able to be seen on the surface. I suspect now I was a Trophy boy friend because I was very physical, had a neat VW and she went to an all girls’ school where I would pick her up so she could make the other girls jealous. I see that now. After she left me, most likely telling her parents a lie, both passed away within 1-½ years. Very sad, they were parents to me also. Of course I was not invited to the funeral of her mother. About 6 months after she left I didn’t even know she had moved in with this killer but I went to her fathers funeral and walked in the church. Standing with my ex wife and my children was this man a complete stranger. I felt like I was in a bad nightmare where someone takes over your family and no one knows you or cares. Even my children. The only person who helped me get through that was my son. I really miss him.

    I had 2 Narcissists in my life (one turned Psychopath) read on and find how destruction works.

    Guys are married to the same HELL also. I was married for 30 years. We had a marriage (married at 23 – 1973) that never had one yell or icky for 12 years. 13 years after our 2nd child (I am suspecting if they are even mine now it took all of a week to get pregnant both times) was born my wife clamed up and for 12 years. She became more distant. She had affairs for at least 13 years because a doctor told me in 1990. She told me he didn’t know anything and Bla Bla. I fell for it and put my head in the sand. I have had a life long medical issue that crashes my jobs sometimes and I have to work hard at getting new work or starting a business. My wife used people including me I know now. The most danger you can face is a person who is sick like this but is quiet, uses projection like artwork, talks like and angel had worked with delayed children as an EA (boy I was proud of her just didn’t know she hated doing it). The day that quit was when we saw the neighbor woman in their hot tub at noon with the kindergarten teacher next door while her husband was working. The woman started an EA job at the same school 2 yeas before. A few days later my wife came home (I think she was thinking about exposure) and started freaking out. I hate my job, I hate working with Barb, I hate the kids etc. I was floored. I want to work in retail. My wife always could do what ever she wanted I never told her what to do and was supportive. I did not like the hours and she agreed that if it messed or marriage up any more she would quit. RIGHT? What a dummy I was. She was in the middle of a mall having all kinds of men hitting on her. That is what she wanted. She was transferred to another store and there she started picking up men at work. My so told me she was terminated for this action but she still pretended she was still going to work which I now know she was going to her new boy friends place. She then crossed the line rolling into a psychopath with the intent to kill me to be with another because they want it on their terms, no divorce that might expose them, easy transition and snow the family members into what ever they want them to think about you. They can kill you and project you as crazy.

    In 2004 I was having trouble with my work because I was sick and my son had cancer. At the end of 2004 I was terminated due to downsizing. A few years ago I found the bank statements and my wife spent $14,000 the month after I was laid off. Multi $300 checks were written I think she was banking to move in with the other killer man. My wife had been seen several guys now working in retail. I suspected and should have known. Clothes in the closet were bare and from 2001 to 2005 she worked retail and I hardly saw her. She finely left my life the beginning of 2005 but not after dragging my daughter into her web and spent $10 K to $14K a month. I had no money left.

    My wife and I came back from the store and I must have had something to drink or eat. I WAS POISONED!! ONE MINUTE I WAS STANDTING AND THEN ON THE FLOOR GOING INTO SHOCK. My body was tingling and it felt like I lost my guts and was in a fetal position. I called for my wife and when she came I asked her to call an ambulance, which I never had done before. I was going fast. She just stood there. I looked in her eyes and I could see she wanted me to die right then and there. I pleaded to her as on pleads to call. She just stood there with that look almost waiting and taking pleasure in my pain and watching me die. WELL I saw that I was going to die and poison and her never crossed my mind I thought it was e-coil or food related. Still she wanted me to die. I mustered every last piece of life in me to keep from going into shock where I would have most certainly died. No one would have known. I had to go back to the hospital twice. I could not even sip water. It felt like I drank battery acid and my system was inflamed the same way. The emergency room ran a lot of tests for food poisoning but never ran a toxic report. They passed it off as my illness that was not they just didn’t know and didn’t run the right tests.

    To make matters worse I have another very evil Narcissist in my family, my older sister who was executor for my mother’s estate. She fraudulently put my home in my mothers will she had made while my mother had suffered severe brain damage and could not remember purchasing my home together in her name with $25K down of my funds. (Because I had a spec house that hadn’t sold) I was to later assume the underlying when she fell ill. MY SISTER jealous of me took my home and scattered my family out for money not family. She divorced my mother for my father on her gravestone. The crazy thing is she is rich, took her brothers home and all his assets, to make it look good gave everyone related part of my house and savings and you might ask why. Because my sister is a jealous type of narcissist She hated my father who was most generous to everyone and never excluded anyone in his life or business. My sister is mental because she puts her self up as the family patriarch and took all my mothers best things as entitlement and lost her $1.2mil estate over 8 years so she came after my home to destroy my family out of jealously and hate for my father who I remind her of. She is sick but had control, money and attorneys so my suits to get it back I had to abandon. NOW she is one like was explained in other posts that thinks she is normal. When do you destroy another family member just trying to start a family with out any feeling of moral conscious? WOW she has problems but I was the screwed up one in everyone eyes. My mistake was I didn’t sign an agreement with my mother before she fell ill for the home for assuming the loan. We bought and sold real estate and just did it on a verbal basis. My sister knew that she did it of hate and jealousy and because she is most defiantly a narcissist. Her own son won’t talk with her she insults his wife in such a horrible manor and this at Christmas, I just wanted to leave. This was before she took my home. I am still fighting from being homeless between both of what these people did.

    To top everything off my daughter has 3 children, which I have not seen. See continues to hurt me and I think the grandchildren for never seeing their grandfather. I would like to give them toys and see them. I feel she has inherited some of my wives issues. I hope not all though she did get pregnant (2nd time 1st abort I didn’t know, wasn’t told) and sucked a studying fireman (went to school with) into marrying her and had 2 more children right after not planed. She seems not to care about anyone only in a superficial way. A BRICK ON THE FIRE on top of everything I lost my son to cancer Oct 2014. The only one who know almost who my wife was but she was still his mother. He didn’t see her much until he fell ill and then I hardly saw him because I didn’t have a home for him to come to thanks to my sister! We went out to rock concerts and did a lot of stuff together. I have no family now after coming from a large one.

    The poison? Almost 2 years went by and I told a woman about the incident. Like I said poison never crossed my mind. She was a hard tough girl in re-hab and probably knows bad women better than anyone. She looked at me like I didn’t see the train coming for me and said Man your wife was most likely a Black Widow. Then it clicked. The guy she was with was a military marine garbage specialist now working for the local county they live in. He knew everything about what medical examiners and hospitals look for. He gave here the perfect poison I suspect but I guess I just missed that fatal drop. I went to the hospital and looked at the records and they passed it off as my chronic illness I have had all my life and they did not do toxicology a study I think because my wife brought me (what an angel) in and I thought is was food born. Rule everything else out only leaves one thing, POISON.

    RULE’s:
    1. If you spouse is quiet but leads others to think bad things about you and does not correct them than she or he is setting you up.
    2. If your spouse degrades another man who she has almost dally contact with then she or he is most likely you know.
    3. If a qualified emergency room doctor or any trusted doctor tells you in theses words which is a direct quote of what he told me but I didn’t hear, “I sorry to tell you this but your wife is a tramp, she has an STD and to have gotten this particular kind she had to been sleeping with several men”. BOY you would think that would wake me up?
    4. If your spouse becomes abusive telling you are going to be alone and no one is ever going to like you etc on and on. That happened 1n 1995 10 years before and I should have had the courage to divorce her then but left the decision up to her which I should have not.
    5. Your spouse does not want to do things with you used to do, hicks, boating, sport car ride, even going out. They won’t go with over to see life ling friends you have had forever to visit and we were with before we were married. The steel and get rid of things personal like clothing they hate without you knowing.
    6. They do not care about your feelings at all. If they beat on you emotionally and you are breaking down into a nervous breakdown and they just keep going.
    7. Starting is Jr high they brainwash your children into teaching them you are not worthy to be their mother or father. THIS IS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING EVER!!
    8. In an argument they use a child as a tool. My son had an anger management problem my wife never addressed. She used him against me. Or new house had holes in every door and walls. She drags him into the mess and he had threatened me with a baseball bat. All I was saying was leave me alone. Quit. Cut it out. Time out. Give up. Over. But she was relentless. I finely called the police because I didn’t want her to hear my son by using him on me or me. Of course I was to blame for all that and she went to live with her sister and then moved in with the Marine killer guy. Strange she used to be a non-war no violence such as myself.
    9. Sexual clues can be the same time, if any, same place, bed and abusive verbal comments. In my case, “what’s wrong aren’t you man enough” WOW needless to say I just tried to go to sleep after I stopped which she wanted. Another clue is a spouse does not clean up after being with someone else. Kind of easy to spot for a guy but say you love your wife and you think no it’s my imagination. IT’S NOT.

    BOTTOM LINE: People that grow unstable but seem normal are very hard to spot. My case was denial. I was madly in love in that 13-year marriage that was great. We had the American Dream 2 new children, great marriage, a $700,000 house I just built. By yacht time even a dream house my wife did not care. Anything over a year old and not used gets tossed. She left everything after cleaning the bank account out. I was in foreclosure, my investment car collection was gone (where I made extra money), $60K in my checking was gone and I was to blame, but I found the bank statement a few years ago. I didn’t know the extent, thought $100 $200 a month cash back not $10K to $14K a month when I was only making $2,400 a month. Don’t give your spouse control over all your money. AND MOST OF ALL the person who did this is not the person you are in love with. That person is gone as if the passed away. Sad truth when they are that ill and do not recognize it, or no one can or tell them and seek medical help, you are just torturing your self over someone that once existed but no longer does. This person most likely had this problem from birth but it can take a bad direction at any point in their life. If they cant control you, home security, job security, financial security all can be a reason for this flair of this disease. LIKE ANYTHING DO YOUR DUE DILLANGE!

    WHY? Now you are thinking why would my wife try to kill me and not just divorce me. Well if I died my sister might have given her the house; the main thing was her parents. They were older and her father who I also thought as my dad (mine passed when I was 23) was in poor health. They thought we had a marriage and match in haven and a divorce would revel who she really was. It would break their heart that she was leaving, might kill them, so she lied. For the last year I could not go see her dad before he passed away because I could not look him in the eye and lie. My wife found it easy. He nephew even beat me up because he was lead to think through projection that I was a physically abusive husband, god never. When your spouse blames you for lying and you have never lied before after 20 some years and rants and raves about it they are calling you a liar. To them anything you say is a lie. It is like there wires are crossed and all truths are lies and all lies are truths. When abuse starts the projection and verbal abuse starts. Next might be a change of job or something to allow them (in my wife’s case) to pray on younger men (in my wife’s case) or just other guys.

    Well it’s 13 years later and I am coming out the other side. I am $420,000 poorer (life savings gone), no home $900 car, no job, my son is gone (hurts), I am sick and on assistance now trying to find a sponsor for a writing career I want to start. Ironic when I have worked my self to death (really almost died 2 times and worked some very dangerous jobs even though I am primarily a project manager, engineering and manufacturing educated and experience. I have paid a lot in taxes, Millions of dollars I have contributed to the economy. I did a good job raising my family while my wife was messing with the kindergarten teacher and many other men. BUT I’M STILL HERE AND THANK GOD I AM ALIVE AND LIVED THROUGH THE NIGHTMARE.

    HOW TO GET OVER THIS? You never get over something like this. I went to a therapist even several because I wanted to make sure I was not Screwed up. I went to a few more to try to remotely analyze why this happened and all this is what a group of 7 or so physiologists and therapists came up with. I got a clean bill but have some dispersion and anxiety. Considering I could be dead I guess I am lucky. There are hard parts to recovery I have found. I had very high self-esteem even though I suffered with a life long illness. I snow; water-skied, started manufacturing companies and even inspected 747’s. My wife branded me as a failure and irresponsible. My illness forced me to have to change jobs and professions to the point of starting my own companies. Anyone that thinks being ill and having t go through 35 jobs, business and careers has it all wrong, It’s really much more work. My wife wanted a 10-year younger guy, healthy, a killer, not me. Strange when she left she walked out the door took all my photos and videos I spent 1,000’s hours recording family etc and a the Christmas stuff even my child ornaments and I will never see them again. She did not even acknowledge me at or sons memorial she has a cold heart but great crocodile tears. JUST ADVICE but my regular doctor to me start you life over like before you were married and just do what you want. Write, start a company. Great advice that I am going to take.

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    • Steve, Thank you for taking the time to share your story. I am terribly sorry all of this happened to you, but you seem to have the hope necessary to emerge from that place of being almost completely broken. I wish more people understood the dangers of people like this without having to actually expereince the destruction first-hand. And take that advice your doctor gave you and run with it!! I did and refused to believe I wasn’t worthy of real love, joy and happiness. These people want us to surrender to the darkside, as kooky as that sounds. They would love nothing better than to see everyone who they discard give up and self-destruct. Good luck to you, Steve! 🙂

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  15. […] such as Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath—these three very often used interchangeably in terms of the abuse such […]

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  16. Can a person afflicted as a Narcissistic Sociopath TRULY know they have NS? I mean without their victims (or would-be “Loved Ones”) telling them?

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    • M. Poppings, Great question. Why would a true socipath ever suspect anything was wrong with him/her? They only get an idea of what they are when and if someone DOES speakout against their actions and behavior, because sociopaths are incapable of self-reflection.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. My name is Darsella Biles and there were a group of individuals that abused me financially, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically with the abuse of the religious leaders, judicial, union officials, legislators, enforcement, the fbi, non profit organizations, my neighbors, unions, lawyers, and etc for greed, power, envy, position, and personal reasons in Michigan. I was prohibited from working and resources because some were veterans but, they allowed the criminals to get away with these things and the public is aware of the injustices and the crime this is a lot for someone in their forties to contend with. The criminal and the people that were living off me, are utilizing the cellular telephone companies to steal funds via the internet and the postal service to commit thes crimes, interesting! Crime and does not matter especially if you are a women, the mighty dollar is their !

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  18. Thank you. I am totally new to all this craziness and am completely shocked that this even exists. I think we all need to stick together because when I try to talk to friends or family they just think I’m crazy and making a big deal out of nothing. I’m sorry but If I would of stayed longer I may just have ended up dead. This abuse is real and it is serious.
    I’m still getting used to navigating around this blog and even my own blog over at word press. But I would love any sort of communication and support and to give love and support out to others as well. Peace love and comfort… Grace

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    • Grace, do not ever doubt yourself. Print some information off the net and give it to your best friends to read and explain that although he seems perfect on the outside, the relationship was abusive. This is exactly why it is so hard to get away. A sociopath makes you believe you are crazy and people will not believe you when you tell them something is wrong, because he is such a nice guy.
      Congratulations on getting away and i wish you all the strength you need. Hug!

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    • Wow , powerful knowledge ! I live wth one now and they try to make me feel lik the bad person when I stand up for myself and point out the twisting and projecting things they do . Time to get out and get therapy.

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  19. How did you survive? Sociopaths are so deceitful that it is almost virtually impossible to cut loose from them. They are hard to get rid of. Like roaches, you wish you could get rid of them but they manage to stay somehow in your life. How did you get rid of him? Were you able to divorce?

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    • Hello, Dove. I never married him or had his children. I lasted living in his home for 30 days at the end of our 3-year relationship. I have a large family who protected and supported me in the aftermath. I simply had no legal ties to him, which allowed for a relatively clean break. Pursuing me would have been too much work; this sociopath is lazy. He’d rather prey on vulnerable people in his own back yard than travel 20+ miles out of state to try destroying me. 🙂

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  20. Mix the extreme narcissism with a passive-aggressive personality type and you have the perfect storm waiting to happen.. In extreme cases these are capable of murder in order to hide their true identity from the World image they have created.. I was married to one of these types and the destruction they will attempt in order to safeguard themselves is to say the least, EXTREME.. Before becoming aware of the dangers the other is dealing with they will try murder.. However, not in a direct manner.. You know, the kind that will take you to the edge of a cliff and then see if you fall off all by yourself or with a little help of a push when nobody is watching.. Once the other person starts to get a glimpse of what is going on they will start to destroy a person’s reputation, start creating scenarios in order to criminalize the other and to put them in doubt, etc… The fact that I got away with my life makes me happy for my freedom…

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    • Thank you, anonymous. I am happy you are free.

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    • I did not get away. I had a child with her. I just finished serving a prison sentence. 6Yrs 10 months 13hrs 24 min.
      I don’t even know how to pick up the pieces. I’ve been abandoned by my family. Worse…I’m the bad guy to my sibling so I wear the black sheep title. I’m sinking because I paralyzed with depression. About to be homeless. Things don’t get better and that is not the usual. My mojo is gone. My self defection and therapy gave me ALOT of answers except…ok I’m not the psycho…I was00

      .

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    • Bruno, I am terribly sorry you are going through what you are going through. Are you currently on parole? Are you living in a community corrections facility or on your own? I’m asking because I worked in community corrections in Denver, Colorado and understand the additional stress you are dealing with on top of the relationship and family stress. It could make anyone lose their desire to be joyful.

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    • My wife tried to secretly drug overdose me last night which I think was a reaction to an agreement that her daughter & I posted on facebook concerning her Narcissism.
      I left the house ASAP.

      After reading this post, I wonder if she is also a sociopath, even though she claims she hasn’t been diagnosed such.

      Is there a way that I can get her medical records opened to me to discover how she has been diagnosed?

      How do I get the drink tested for what was in it?

      Its cheery in a dark way that there is a club of people out there who are experiencing life with an NS. I just came into this consciousness of what it means to be married to a NS

      Thx for all the great comments.

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    • Hipduane,

      Due to HIPAA regulations, you would not be able to access her medical records to review a diagnosis without her permission. The other route is to get a judge to order a psychological evaluation. However, sociopathy/psychopathy are not considered diagnosable conditions according to the DSM-V. Only cluster B personality disorders are categorized as conditions. But even such a diagnoses does little to help you unless a judge is willing to review the case history and conclude she is a danger to you and your children.

      As far as getting the drink tested, contact a private investigator. The police won’t invest in testing unless you file a report and she is officially charged. (I know…it’s frustrating, right?)

      I wish this club didn’t exist. I wish there were no need for this club. But those of us who have lived what we’ve lived need each other to validate what happened to us and what continues to happen to the children forced to be exposed to these types of people. I’m truly sorry you are living what you’re living, but now that you’re aware, you are armed with greater choices. 🙂

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  21. […] tidbit of information worth noting is that, according Doctor Martha Stout (as quoted here), true “sociopaths make up 4% of western society (Stout, 2010). That’s about 1 in 25 […]

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    • Hello everyone,
      I have been married for 4 months. I just found out that my ‘husband’ lied to me about having a job amongst other things for the last year—along with that lie—daily lies of where he was going, what he was doing, ect. He had been lying for the 9 months leading up to the wedding. We live in different states so it wasn’t obvious. His parents financially supported him and they knew that he did not have a job so that also concealed things. There are lies upon lies that I do not need to go into. Amongst all those lies were fantasy lies–promotions, raises, meetings with top people. We got married and he went back to his state so he could ‘work’ and so he couldn’t move with me. I have taken a job to start in a year in his state and so then is when we planned on moving in together. I don’t understand how someone could get married with all of these lies–no real conscience?. He says he was scared to tell me and wanted me to be proud and he wanted to feel special? He also said that the lies came so natural and a time came when he couldn’t tell the difference?

      I know what i need to do now, but wanted to hear everyone’s thoughts.

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    • Kristy, I am very sorry that you are dealing with this. Ask yourself, “Would I lie to someone in order to get them to be proud of me?” Isn’t lying the absolute opposite thing a person with integrity would do? And don’t you deserve NOT to be lied to? I am disgusted at the lengths people will go to to insult us. I’m certain if you had known the absolute truth about this guy, you wouldn’t have dumped him. You may have been more cautious in your decisin to marry him, but I doubt you would have rejected him. I can’t make a determination of his state of mind or whether or not he is/isn’t disordered/pathological. There are plenty of non-sociopaths in this world who do stupid things for fear of rejection and abandonment. Only you know based on your direct experience and the depths of the lies how sick and unstable this person is. The next questions you need to ask yourself is, “Do I honor and trust myself enough to make the right choices to protect my health and happiness moving forward?” We want to be merciful and offer people second chances. However, we should put our safety and health first, plug into self-compassion and detach from that which our gut tells us is toxic and harmful. 🙂

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    • Thank you Paula! Your words are so kind. I agree with you. He was blaming me as the reason all last week—like i wanted you to be proud ect.
      But this week when I ask him why he did it (lie for a year)–he says “i dunno”.
      He doesn’t seem very apologetic or really that he cares that much. His parents are delusional which make it much much worse because they enable and protect him (as expected i guess).
      Anyways, never in a million years did i ever think I would be in this insane situation. To make it worse–I have been with him for 9 years and have been good to him. I really thought I knew him and I thought we had a good relationship—not without imperfections but good.
      Thanks again for your kind words.

      Liked by 1 person

  22. Here’s my story.
    I’ve been married for 14 years to a man who initially I thought was so darn charming. As time went on I began to notice behaviors that were more unrealistic. Such as forcing sex on me, raping me, going to swinger clubs, sexual games, severe pornography addiction. I mean maybe three times a day. He wanted sex as often as he thought about it.

    I’m in shock as I’ve read through Paula’s blog & am very new to this. I’ve never in my life could pin point exactly why he never had an ability to display emotions towards ANYONE. It’s scary. Very unnerving to have been psychologically devastated and manipulated for so many years.
    From his fits and rages for no reason to his lack of ability to connect emotionally, spiritually with my children & I. I’m at a place where I felt as if I’ve died. There is nothing left inside my soul but emptiness & grief.
    His bullying, self indulgent behavior is sickening. Making me feel as if I’ve been such a bad person for so many years I finally began to believe that I was truly a pathetic person. As time went by I just breathed. I still just breathe but since reading this blog today I can finally feel some kind of relief in knowing that he really needs help.
    Given the fact that I now see myself as a co-dependent, it’s all too surreal. I’ve allowed this for so long and I feel as if I’m dead. I know it sounds foolish, but it’s the only description I can use to describe my life for so many years.
    He’s a very cunning manipulative individual. His ego and his lack of remorse and self centered behavior has hurt me and my children.
    I can write a book of his disorder & try to investigate the 5 w’s in his case. If I did this than I would suffer even moreso.
    Manipulative
    Huge ego of self and belief that he is a God
    Lies & lies
    Rages for no reason in mornings during day while he’s at work
    In front of everyone he’s a darn charmer!
    Sexual addiction
    Verbally abusive to me & children
    Has bought prob 12 new cars since marriage
    Likes to spend spend spend
    No self remorse or feeling of any kind
    Belief that his actions are justified
    Master at manipulation and demeaning me and his children
    The goes on. I need help! I’ve been living isolated from the world because I just had to
    Living with severe panic attacks and severe depression to point where I feel like I’m dying
    I did file for divorce a week ago but after reading this I truly understand how important it is to move far away from him to protect myself and my children
    Blessings to you Paula

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    • Anonymous, I am very sorry that you have experienced what you’ve experienced. Please know that awakening to the reality, although painful, is a positive step toward a better life. I know it doesn’t feel like that today. I always recommend finding a professional counselor or therapist in which to confide and purge your emotions, feelings, frustrations, fears and anxieties. Someone who has experience with trauma in the aftermath of abusive (physical, sexual, financial, emotional and spirityual) relationships. There is no need to label yourself or to label your tormentor. Doing so will get in the way of your healing and recovery. Instead, start by accepting that it happened and there was nothing within your power at the time to stop it, change it or make it better. It happened. From acceptance, you can begin to come back into yourself…into your light…and find solutions and tools to help you rebuild your life. 🙂

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    • Paula,
      I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your blog. You’ve helped me in so many ways and I’ll be forever grateful to you for that. Although I don’t know you, I’m very happy to have read this.
      I’ve moved away from my ex and have begun the whole divorce process and started healing. My kids are really happy and at peace now. God brought me here and helped me to see the ugly I was dealing with. I was just so blind for years.
      It’s amazing how he works through people!!!
      Happily free from 12 years of craziness and I’m so full of joy I feel as if the sky’s the limit.
      So, Paula, God Bless!
      I will order some books that you have when I’m ready.
      Thanks again and may God Bless you and yours!
      Cynthia

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  23. Here’s my story.
    I’ve been married for 14 years to a man who initially I thought was so darn charming. As time went on I began to notice behaviors that were more unrealistic. Such as forcing sex on me, raping me, going to swinger clubs, sexual games, severe pornography addiction. I mean maybe three times a day. He wanted sex as often as he thought about it.

    I’m in shock as I’ve read through Paula’s blog & am very new to this. I’ve never in my life could pin point exactly why he never had an ability to display emotions towards ANYONE. It’s scary. Very unnerving to have been psychologically devastated and manipulated for so many years.
    From his fits and rages for no reason to his lack of ability to connect emotionally, spiritually with my children & I. I’m at a place where I felt as if I’ve died. There is nothing left inside my soul but emptiness & grief.
    His bullying, self indulgent behavior is sickening. Making me feel as if I’ve been such a bad person for so many years I finally began to believe that I was truly a pathetic person. As time went by I just breathed. I still just breathe but since reading this blog today I can finally feel some kind of relief in knowing that he really needs help.
    Given the fact that I now see myself as a co-dependent, it’s all too surreal. I’ve allowed this for so long and I feel as if I’m dead. I know it sounds foolish, but it’s the only description I can use to describe my life for so many years.
    He’s a very cunning manipulative individual. His ego and his lack of remorse and self centered behavior has hurt me and my children.
    I can write a book of his disorder & try to investigate the 5 w’s in his case. If I did this than I would suffer even moreso.
    Manipulative
    Huge ego of self and belief that he is a God
    Lies & lies
    Rages for no reason in mornings during day while he’s at
    Sexual addiction
    Verbally abusive to me & children
    Has bought prob 12 new cars since marriage
    Likes to spend spend spend

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    • Omg. You have just described my story also. Only I managed to get out in 18 months. To add to the story, I have discovered that he has molested 2 of his daughters and the deaths of 2 of his sons seem very suspicious to me now. He always got a gleam in his eyes when he teased me about killing me. I am glad that have discovered these blogs because I now know , it wasnt me. I am not the crazy one. I Swear that he knew everything that I was lacking from my 30 or marriage because he got me hook line and sinker. Be strong. Know that you are an amazing woman. My heart and prayers go out to you and your children. Of course the story doesn’t end here and it does continue, but women are strong creatures. We will survive this by taking care of ourselves and refilling our souls with love compassion and beauty once again. At this moment I cannot even imagine loving another man , or letting one get close again. So my plan is to just work on me. I’ve decided to let God pick out the next man for me. Love and blessings to you my dear.

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    • Thank you, Grace. I understand every emotion you’re going through and am sending you my blessings as well. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  24. I am slowly coming to grips with my narcissism and sociopathy. I am the epitome of many of these traits. It’s scary. My father, he’s been sober now for over twenty-two years and I’m so proud of him for that, taught me how to be a narcissist and sociopath through his issues with narcissism and sociopathy but he’s like Buddha now. I’m 41 years old. I’m in a long-term relationship with a great woman. We are expecting our first child, a girl. I still post narcissistic and sociopathic things on Facebook and Twitter but I’m slowly starting to recognize them. I cried for the first time in years during our meeting with my girlfriend’s OB/GYN and it was freeing. I’m far from perfect but I want you people to know that there’s hope for people dealing with narcissists and sociopaths. Call them out on their behaviors and tendencies. Again and again. Don’t give up on them. I wouldn’t be writing this if my girlfriend hasn’t been helping me. We’re not all bad people. I’m telling you that there are hearts and souls not too far from the surface for many of us. Just scratch deep enough and maybe you’ll help them to reveal those hearts and souls. It won’t work the first time. It may not work the twentieth time but show them posts like this one, or this one in particular, and we may begin to recognize the blackness that is narcissism and sociopathy. There is hope!

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    • Johnathan,
      Thank you so much for your post. It’s the first one I’ve seen from an NS individual. I appreciate your being open, honest and admitting you have this personality disorder. But most of all that you want people to know that there can be help and healing for some of those with this disorder. I have recently left my boyfriend that fits every trait to a T, accept being prominent and successful.
      I have a restraining order on him now. He has done some literally terroristic things, very violent. But there were times when I could see a spark of a really good man. I can no longer be with him, I feel it’s just a matter of time before he snaps again. I am currently writing him a sum of our relationship, so he can see where I’m coming from, “The good, the bad, the ugly” If you will. I have been struggling with sharing materials with him regarding malignant narcissistic sociopaths and misogynists. In the past I have given him materials on domestic violence abusers. I would put them with his belongings when we would have a fight and had to be separated. Apparently he has read them. I now see a DV counselor, and attend support groups. My life has been devastated by this man. They recommend that I don’t share materials with him, that he is what he is and for my safety to let it go. He is 51 now. His two long time friends from high school, who are married, have contacted me because he wants to write me a letter. They tell me that he has never been so distraught over a woman before. He has not had many relationships. I know and trust them that they are not playing on my sympathies and trying to get us back together. In talking to them they have answered some questions about my ex bf’s past that helps put some puzzle pieces together. I care for this man and hate to see him suffer and be alone. I think his dad was probably NS, but my ex bf doesn’t talk much of his past. His dad died when he was 18. In talking with his friends, they are trying to convince him to seek professional help. They say he says he knows he needs help. I would love nothing more to see him get help, so that maybe someday he can live with himself, have some peace, learn to be respectful and possibly have a healthy relationship with a woman. I have tried so hard to be there for him, help him. I can’t do anymore. I’m not responsible for him. I have lost my job, and desperately looking for work. I fear I may lose my home, these things are due to the awful traits of NS. I have read so much on the traits of NS, but am really wanting to find more posts/information like yours for myself and to share with him and his friends. I would like to find more on what these men\women do, think feel, when they are told they have this disorder. I’m sure some deny it, some admit it and don’t care, and some recognize it and get help. I’m sure some are violent with their partner for even thinking it’s possible.
      But I do care and hope he can find peace.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Without stating whether I believe or don’t believe Jonathan, I will say that transformation takes commitment, focus and requires one to take FULL accountability for one’s actions, behaviors and thoughts. True introspection is required. Even those of us who are already accountable find it hard to release our ego long enough and frequently enough to make core value shifts in how we approach ourselves, others and nature at large. If someone has lived without tapping into their conscience for decades, he/she can’t suddenly begin using it because they say they want to. Think of drug addicts or alcoholics. None of them want to be drug addicts or alcoholics, but their brain chemistry and conditioning moves toward the familiar even as they make attempts to quit or cut back. Most addicts go through multiple relapses before they either give up, die or finally break free. It’s great to hold out hope for this man you loved, but it’s best that you do it from a distance and not get sucked into helping him on his journey. You have and deserve your own healing journey with a guarantee that you won’t be dragged back into the pit of despair you finally escaped. 🙂

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  25. 9 out of 9 on the Narc. questions.
    13 out of 20 on the Soc. questions. Some of them (5 questions) I cannot answer, not knowing anything much about the childhood & some other life aspects.
    He claims that there is nothing wrong that relates to Narc. or Sociopathic behaviours, just ‘other conditions’.
    It doesn’t matter at all if all these questions can be answered with a ‘Yes’.

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    • It doesn’t matter unless the “yes” answers are coupled with a feeling of dred and a resistance to continue dealing with the person. It comes down to how people who behave this way make us feel. If you are perfectly “okay” with being subjected to the behavior, then “yes” answers don’t matter.

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    • Paula I AM NOT O.K. with this! 19 months of no contact & avoidance, to the point of not going places or driving miles out of my way to avoid any accidental contact. That is dread.
      Short of selling my house & moving, there is little else that can be done.
      I’m tired of trying to make sense out of behaviours that make no sense. I don’t know why it mattered to me to have some understanding of “Why?”, but it did. It doesn’t any longer. Crazy = Incomprehensible.
      I will not be posting here any more.
      I have served my mental eviction notice on him. No matter what he does, he is out of my head, & if he is stupid enough to make anything else happen, the police will be informed immediately, & since he is enough trouble already I’m sure he won’t want any more.

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  26. […] 1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts,… […]

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    • My daughter was married to a true sociopath, he fits so many of the flags that I am surprised she didn’t realize this earlier. He plays the part of being someone he isn’t and has lost many jobs as the description doesn’t fit what he really knows although he dresses well above the part with expensive custom made suits and shirts, $600 shoes, $200 ties and belts of which he obtained using plastic as his spending is way beyond his means. He had cheated on her in their marriage and even brought home another woman to “share’ a night in their bedroom. Of course, nothing is ever his fault and crass comments he makes in putting people down, he follows up with…”I was just joking.” He is full of revenge and has sued every boss that had the nerve to fire him, losing each case. I could go on and on but now my daughter is as HE put it, being tortured through the courts because he owes her much money as he decided on his own that the court orders for alimony and child support are just too much for him to pay, so he stopped the alimony and cut the child support. He has told his children that they should NEVER call and ask him for money, he has a new family now and can’t afford to give them anything.

      He “dated” many women who he thought had money, using the exact same phrases to all of them…you are the total package, until he finally found one who was about to inherit a fortune from her deceased grandparents (talking millions here) so he knocked her up after just a few month to insure he is IN now. She bought a huge house cash, along with a fancy Mercedes cash and we believe she is helping to fund the attorney who he is now using to TORTURE my daughter in court (we have a tape of the treat to her about his plans to drag her through the courts till she just disappears) Fortunately, he was found in contempt and will be going to sentencing next month regarding tax papers and pay stubs that he hasn’t produced for my daughter to proceed with her financial case against him. He told the court that the IRS told him he didn’t have to file taxes last year as they were auditing him for his 2010 taxes which he lied about alimony payments exceeding the payments he actually made. He then said that he got a second extension which was another lie as there is no such thing, all under oath.

      He has had no relationship with his family for many years, PITY is another tool the sociopath uses to trap their prey and he has created quite the story about his family who happen to be lovely people. Of course, he has his few followers that he charms and spends lots of money on which he doesn’t have. This man had purchases 11 new cars in the 12 years my daughter was with him and re-mortgaged the home they shared each time a small bit of equity became available. His spending is just way out of line, and in the past 10 years, he has had at least 6 different jobs. We will be going back to court now for the 9th time for the same thing, almost 2 years in court just to get the finances straightened out for child support. We started in court with 10 counts of him saying my daughter was keeping the children from him which she was found NOT GUILTY of all charges, all lies he made up. He insists that my daughter should make the kids call him, he doesn’t initiate the calls from their two daughters who were 3 and 5 at the time of their divorce. Another point of a sociopath is they have to be in control ALL the time. In short, this has been a very stressful time for our entire family with court cases always looming and consuming my daughter’s time with her girls. His new girlfriend (baby momma) hasn’t yet figured this guy out and thankfully, they live in another state. She has contacted his family telling them they should have no contact with my daughter as HE wants to get back into the fold (how does it look that none of his family would be attending a wedding they might be having) and his sister told her that they will NOT do that as she is the reason they have a relationship with the kids, not him. He also lied to her about my daughter “stealing” $350K from him, money he never had in his entire life!! There is no getting away from this monster since there are the children involved who he has no LOVE for, sociopaths only love themselves, but views them as trophies who he tries to manipulate, too. Hope this helps someone else see that they are not alone!!!

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    • Wow. Thank you for sharing. What you describe is the life I feared I would have had if I hadn’t left when I did. I feel great pity for the new GF (baby momma) but she is participating in the devaluing and discarding of your daughter and the children, so my pity doesn’t go far. Who goes out of their way to attempt to alienate grandparents from their grandchildren? Who wins in THAT situation? Certainly not the children or the grandparents, right? I find it troubling that so many people are willing to turn a blind eye to this type of abuse assuming that the person on the receiving end of the “punishment” must have done something to deserve it. No. There is nothing specific a target of a sociopath must do other than refuse to comply and be controlled any longer. To escape completely requires much sacrifice. I wish you and your family well.

      Liked by 1 person

  27. In reality, if we want to build coping skills and courage: we all will have some aggressive acts periodically in life. In order to grow and develop, we all will have more adrenaline driven acts, it’s the mens rea and actus reus that we must be looking out for.

    In reality, these ‘types’ fear loosing control in front of others and demonstrate petty ridicule towards anyone that demonstrates aggressive or courageous behavior. These types tend to come out behind closed doors.

    I have worked and still do as a security officer. I have worked at two large buildings and at a bar. I see a variety of aggressive and or more original acts so to speak, but very few are malicious. It’s common for people to have some random and reckless actions. Again, these types hide and fear humility and exposure, that’s why they remain cowards.

    In their minds, because they feel inferior, many of you are grand and self important. I know, I’ve been round them and listen.

    Every definition of this fantasy icon has no causation. There is no defect or significant physical detected imbalance in the human anatomy, for these fantasy icons. Everyone has their own variation. The descriptions are ambiguous, open to confirmation bias and impression. There is no causation or existing defect to even create a logical grouping of symptoms. The ‘symptoms’ are also being assumed based off bias impression of what one alleges someone did. The ‘symptoms’ are ambiguous criteria derived from a persons impression.

    There is a foundation. (It goes in greater depth, but I’ll just give a few) I know what it is and it greatly depends on their choice and fear of embarrassment. They have even exposed it, arrested development and hypersensitivity. (I can also just look at the many decades of their produced/treated patients) Hence they wallow in and give pity. Many want the character of being mentally and emotionally fit. They get that, with their fear of embarrassment; by smearing the victim and making everyone else think or look to have this ambiguous, ‘mental instability’.

    In reality, many people, who may have committed a crime, can have at least half of the above listed criteria, but not be these types. Actually, these types are the types that are not caught, as they have covers for their little counseling acts and know how to work around the laws. These types have poor coping skills, self control or self respect. Many hide and spend their times in offices, behind closed doors, isolation. Therefore, they tend to entice or enable others to expose their vulnerabilities as a way for them to get control over their patients or victims. There victim is their tool and so are these fantasy icons. The victim and the icon go together and we have them creating something appearing to be something, in order for them to get character and make themselves look competent.

    Actually, it is only the victims or patients, so to speak, that list the signature and very specific traits and MO’s of these types. You can asses David Parker Ray’s psych brainwash manual, as a start. Many of these types, are the counselors. Of course, a signature trait is pity and sympathy. One who gives it, is one who takes and has it. There is a reason why the ‘counselors’ fail to expose the MO’s and signature traits, along with adding vague and ambiguous ‘symptoms’ that can even be applied to the victim or people who are not these types.

    I have been a mark of just about all, other than murder. I know what they are. I have successfully exposed four of them. Everyone had some type of cover that facilitated counseling.

    Again, they are the types that are fixated on what things appear to be. As long as something appears to be something, all is ok. Truth and reality does not matter, it’s what things appear to be.

    “It will appear the she/he is ‘mentally unstable” but really it was me that took advantage of their vulnerability and if they keep taking those pills they will be an entire object that represents me. I can also use that object after my treatment really sets in, and write about them as if I am the competent god if the mind, and get more status gain”.

    A PhD is an example of something that appears to be something it is not. It is in truth, a ‘doctorate’ of philosophy. I have 7.5 years of college and it is a false credibility. Therefore, I never use it or showcase it for credibility. College is a business that plays off ignorance, lack of wisdom and approval. College is a business that sells status.

    Be weary, as many people’s problems, insecurity and sense of inferiority stage their careers.

    Many also get a sense if thrill and meaning from ‘victimization’ and after want to get a job in it.

    “I was a drug addict, now I’ll be an addiction counselor”

    “I always felt inferior, jealous and insecure and I am going to study psychology and become a counselor”

    “I was a domestic violence victim and now I want to be a domestic violence counselor and advocate”.

    “I am a coward dictated by the petty ridicule, shame and approval of my mother (my childhood and now forever, adulthood therapist) and I want to look like a man and hero, I’ll abuse the military image and ride off a medical profile”

    These types showcase their degrees like a trophy. That enables the ignorant to think they are credible and like a god that has the answers and take their opinion as fact.

    These types gain sense of control by controlling others with emotions and private sensitive knowledge about them. Approval and other mind games are a big lever for them. They are more passive and patient with their MO’s. (Slow, steady, prolonged-passive, secretive, well planned) They gain the levers and control through talking and or counseling. They tend to keep it like a secret control. They like little secrets and like you to ‘read in between the lines, so to speak. The most deceptive of these types are woman, as they have more orbital frontal lobe tissue to modulate amygdala, way less testosterone and don’t have the same alpha male drives as men. Pity and sympathy tends to be more assumed, with woman and less suspicious. Most of our serious male killer tortures, were seriously brainwashed and dictated by their mother. The Gaines case is one of many examples. Gaines was a ‘patient’ vehicle of his mother.

    These types like to use substances to gain control. They often smear the victim by using or creating ‘patients’. Again, somehow after the victim leaves or escapes; they will have done type of ‘mental instability’ label at minimum. This is more classic with woman and the children of the typical psycho scenario Mother. I have experienced it. The dictating belittling mother, controlling her boy, even at the age of 32.

    The last one if these types included a combo; the mother and her son. He acted out her taught psychological abuse (yes, starts with ‘counseling’) tried to get me to take pills or alcohol, and isolation tactics. He and his brother work together. They provoke you in a room and it starts with counseling. The other one films records and or watches. Once he cornered and repeatedly yelled, while looming, “fucking Psycho”. Escape, I ran, he cornered me, chased me out to the street, I got in the car, he latched on it and tried to open the passenger side door, I hit the throttle and took off. (The mother was allowed to barge his bedroom door open whenever she wanted, when he was in it, to belittle him when he did not get her approval before he did something) He also tried to get me to come back by saying that his actions were because of a panic ‘disorder’ and ‘bipolar’. Within 48 hours there were several smear attempts through the internet and telephone. He attempted to get others to think I was bipolar. He opened my mail and got my new address. He kept using property and third party’s to try to get to me. I have two criminal reports on him. He publicly exposed himself. He is the childish boy spending (criminal report exposes time) time between 12:39am until 10:48pm simultaneously messaging (two social media accounts) various people he does not know, internet messaging me and texting in attempts to get me to come back and get others to think I was bipolar. This activity went on from October until the beginning of December.

    Look at the history of the few caught out of the many woman criminals. Many use pills and or poisons. They have more tendency to braise male killers, Acomplice male killers and kill men for money; but they tend to preserve girls and slowly ruin them. (Ex. Gertrude Baniszewski)

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    • I am working on a book to lariat this. The right way to do a profile has not been done. These types are a signature type. But there has yet to be a signature profile that is not vague. Not for nothing I have assessed hundreds of bipolar threads, border lines, histrionic and sociopath/psychopath- all reports are the same gist. Not, surprised, these icons, the work of psychology.

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    • Excuse auto correct: not lariat, meant, clarify

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    • Wow. Thank you for sharing this thorough and thoughtful explanation of the sociopath character as you have come to know it. I agree with you and your points. I especially agree that there is not currently a proper “screening” of traits. To your belief that many of these types are counselors, I came to the conclusion that the real psychopath in Dexter is the female psychiatrist, not Dexter. I’ll be rereading and digesting what you’ve shared over the next few days. Thank you.

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  28. Well, as good advise as that was on identifying, How do you deal with one if you are unfortunate enough to have a child with them and they refuse help? Mind you, they have custody….

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  29. Juju,
    You and I had the same mother. She tossed me out at 16 which ended up being the best thing that could have happened. We didn’t see or speak again for 23 yrs. I too had trouble forming positive relationships with people for years even after being away from her. I had abandonment issues (go figure) so I would kick people to the curb before they could do it to me. If I had even the slightest disagreement with someone, that was it and I never looked back. But like you, I recognized certain traits and behaviors in myself and worked to change them. There’s nothing wrong with not dealing with people you feel don’t like you. You don’t have to be friends with everyone. I think what is more common for those who have been raised and had relationships with narcissists is that they hold on to the wrong people, people who treat them badly because that is what they are used to. They are always waiting for the next shoe to drop and will often cause it to happen so as not to be taken by surprise. It seems harsh because it’s your mother but the only way to heal is to cut her and people like her out of your life. I don’t know how old you are, I was lucky because I got away when I was still young and was fortunate to meet good people and I observed other people’s relationships with their mothers and family members and learned how dysfunctional mine was. I also learned from how people reacted to me that I wasn’t all the horrible things my mother used to call me – I had value. Through counseling I learned that how she treated me had nothing to do with me – there was nothing wrong with me. I hope you work to get there too.

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    • omg! im terrrified to share my experience with my ex, but reading your articles has helped me get out of the abusive relationship. thank god im saved

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  30. Anony,
    It’s tough when you share custody of children and are forced to communicate with the N. I have heard of some people using a third party (attorney, relative) to assist with the exchange and always do it in a neutral area, not at their homes. Whatever the circumstance, just remember, like at the Zoo, don’t feed the animals. In other words, don’t give him what he wants the most, attention, positive or negative, to them doesn’t matter. They feed off your emotional responses.

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  31. Thank you so much for your article. My divorce was just finalized Friday. I was married for 2.5 years to a Narcissistic Sociopath. I was his 5th wife, which I didn’t find out about until after we were married. I thank God for protecting my kids and myself from this person. He is everything described in this article. I never knew what a narcissist or a sociopath was until I was married to this person for about 6 months. My eyes are open by this experience and plan to use this experience to help others. Thank you so much for this information that is everything that I’ve witnessed.

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  32. Hi to all I really need to ask a question. I used to date this girl of which I admit, even though we broke up I still cant get over her because I felt as she was the one. My question is this, i generally used the phrases given in this article a lot to her, and she had some kind of history with abusers, but I never held her back in following her dream to become a doctor or meeting new people to have a better social life, because what made her happy made me as well, but I read the whole article and I am afraid I might be a narcissist sociopath. But I dont know, I mean I am starting to believe that, that is the reason she doesnt even want to talk to me anymore, and I am starting to believe that I am. Does what I just said, make me a sociopath?? I mean I only wanted to do good for her, I never wanted to harm her in any way.

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    • Paul, Do you have a pattern of using those phrases and behavior across all relationships (i.e., platonic, business, romantic and familial)? If you do, then you might want to be concerned about being a sociopath. However, because you ask the question in the first place, I am lead to believe you aren’t.

      Humans crave love and interaction with others. Sometimes when we meet someone whom we believe is the one, we become a bit possessive. It’s normal to a degree. Plus, you recognize you’ve done this, which means you are self-reflective…something pathological sociopaths/narcissists are not capable of being. This woman may be stepping away because of your intensity; I don’t blame her. I’m sure your intensity is a bit smothering for her. I’m also sure she’s a wonderful woman and you have her best interests in mind, right? You don’t want to control or manipulate her, right? You don’t need her to need and love you, right? You simply find her amazing and wonderful and a good match for what you love in this world, right?

      I suggest that you sit down and ask yourself why you are so intensely attracted to this woman. Understanding your internal motivations will help you be more relaxed and less anxious about the emotions that surface. You may uncover some of your own insecurities and fears that make you smother her when you are with her. We want to be loved and adored. We don’t want to be possessed. Any one of us is capable of behaving possessively when it comes to love. Life is filled with lots of loving and interesting people. Don’t be worried or fearful that this one is going to runaway and abandon you. Learn to love the moments with her. This will build your love and respect for her and her love and respect for you. Love can’t be rushed or forced. Love is something that builds over time. Love does not peak upon first meeting, which is what sociopaths expect and want in a relationship…all relationships. If love peaks in the beginning, it’s all downhill from there, right? That’s not love. Love grows from like, like with a lot of admiration in the mix. I hope this helped.

      Liked by 1 person

    • My ex has just discarded me four months ago from a 7yr relationship. We were in each others pockets so the shock is tremendous. Can I ask if these traits(a few listed of many) constitute a narcassist.
      At beginning complete lovebombing I was swept.off my feet moved in within 4 months
      Began isolating me from.my best friend which I foolishly accepted wanted constant compliments admiration reassurance that i loved him and would often ask for detailed reasons for why I did, constantly bad mouthing both his and my friends colleagues family members, very negative, felt constantly victimised ie everyone gets better job I.Could do a better job than my boss etc.was jealous of.my relationship with my family,started mentioning different girls at work acting like he had crushes (triangulaton?) which made me v insecure, fly into rages if he couldn’t park outside his house if postman left gate open etc would critisise how I did things around the house, started getting texts and would purposely start turning the phone face down when he hadn’t before, id voice an opinion and wed end up having a row that would literally make my head spin in confusion. In the end I ended up being a cross between his pa and his housecleaner.oh and he withheld sex even though he knew how much this upset me.The end came as quickly as the romance started. I had to tend to my mother after an operation and made the mistake of expecting some support. Found out hed arranged a weekend with “friends ‘ instead of even offering me any type of support. I called and we rowed as I questioned his prorities, came back from my mothers 2 days later and.he was sitting there with the most evil cruel cold look on his face and told me I had 2 days to get out of his house.
      Then refused to speak to me whilst I hurriedly rushed around putting clothes in bags etc
      I have never seen such a cold blank evil stare with nothing hehind the eyes that resembled sharks.
      7 years with this person and only now do I see!! He has left me with ptsd and I feel ive lost my whole world my home stability relationship environment even my beloved pets etc
      Any views?

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    • Paul, the phrase that really disconcerts me is, “The One”. I’ve heard this phrase used by a number of men who Narc./Soc.’s /abusers.
      Do you really believe that we all get just one shot @ happiness, if & only if we find “The Right One”? This puts a lot of pressure on the person to be perfect all the time, & if the relationship should end, this can lead to stalking, & obsessive, desperate measures to try to hang on to something that the other person no longer wishes to be a part of.
      Why do you think that no other person is capable of caring for you? Why do you think that you cannot care for anyone else?
      Every relationship is different. What you don’t get in one, you may find something else that is just as rewarding & satisfying in another.

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    • Dear Paula and Anon I read both of your replies and it really helped me a lot, especially in the understanding of where I made my mistakes, and I want to thank you for that. At first I really thought I might have done something to hurt her, but maybe I just tried giving her the world when i should have just take it slow. Again ty you opened my eyes about my self and I appreciate it.

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    • Very happy to know our responses helped you, Paul.

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  33. I informed him that I filed for divorce on December 10. There was an interesting response: no tears despite wailing and anger, blame and a claim of no knowing why. He walked the floors all night, stalked me in my house, and tried to intimidate me in every way possible. I have prevailed despite the fear and anxiety. I am committed to myself and sanity. No turning back, no contact, using legal means to regain control of my home and my life.
    Unfortunately I have become obsessed with discovering who the person is to whom I was married. I found 5 ex-wives, 5 abandoned kids, and 20 years of un or under employment, a dead beat dad and a debt to the feds for 256K. I also found that the family of a cold case murder victim suspected him as the perpetrator (public comments on newspaper archives). He was a cop. I had always suspected because he is obsessed with that crime and often provides conflicting stories.
    No one should ever lose a loved one and not know the who or why. During the end of our relationship I was wise enough to gather articles with DNA and fingerprints. My question is how/who do I contact if I think there is a connection and still protect myself? How can I get the authorities to understand this is not vindictiveness but genuine concern for closure for that woman’s three children and her family? The timeline of his lived experience demonstrate him fleeing the area and never returning, changing his name and leaving no forwarding addresses. Any suggestions?

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    • OMG, you strory is my story, my recent ex has 4 ex wives..that I know of and he has a debt of $456000 to the Feds for mortgage fraud….my mouth is just hanging open right now…

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  34. I have lived with a sociopath for 18 years that everyone thinks is a very giving, social, victim who has socially smeared me and isolated all of my relationships as well as religious relationships and work related opportunities. He is very charming and believable. People think that because I stay quiet and don’t gossip and smear him like he does me that he truly must be the victim. He has not only destroyed my life but also the life of my four children. Poor man. He is a sneaky snake. Sometimes I feel so broken by his isolation, trash talk of me and destruction that I feel that ending my life would be easier than getting away from him. He is a sneaky snake and people believe his bs. He was accused of molesting his sons and because he passed a lie detector test claims his innocence. He is cunning and sly and people believe his stories. I am an introvert, empath, very shy and keep to myself and because he is gregarious and charming and engages people very well they assume I must be the one with issues. I don’t even know how to defeat that. He has ruined many of the social supports that I have and has worked hard to isolate me. The grief that I feel that I believed him and trusted in him is so intense. I can not understand how he could do that to me. It isn’t only me but all of the others in his life. I feel sad for him as well. He has no relationships because of his lying and the chaos that he causes. I am leaving him but feel terrified and alone. I know that his goal is to destroy me and that is terrifying. I have only ever wanted good for him and feel grief for that way the the has chosen to live his life. It is so disconcerting and unfathomable to me. I don’t even know how people cope with these kinds of people. The anger and grief I feel is unbelievable. I have had customers of his that I have never met before talk with me about private family issues that they should not know about and they have defended him to me against me. People I have never met before who do not know me or anything about me. How screwed up is that? I’m sure any of you who deal with this get it. I feel duped, angry, wounded and broken. My trust for any human is decreased myriads thanks to this “wonderful” man. I feel emotionally and mentally raped. I don’t even know how to navigate this twistedness.

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    • JC,

      Thank you for sharing your story. I honestly do not believe people are fooled by these types of people. I think most of the people that you THINK he is fooling are simply too lazy or scared to call him out on his BS. How else could he be surrounded by so many people yet have no friends? It’s like The Emperor’s New Clothes: everyone knows he’s naked but no one has the guts to tell him.

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    • I feel the same exact way. I dont know what to do with myself right now. He has messed up my whole life. I finally kicked him out yesterday, because he tried to hurt my 7 year old daughter.because he could not gain his control over her. He went as far as to get in her face and threaten to break her jaw. He called her a little bitc* among lots of others. That was my last straw. Now, I have only been dealing with this one for 9 months. Not including the 4 times he left and ignored me for no reason whatsoever, leaving me confused and insecure about myself. He is very good with people too. Everyone loved him, well (loves) him. For some reason that made me love and want him more. Its ridiculas. His friend used to tell me he was a pure evil sociopath. I didnt understand what a sociopath was until yesterday. Now I am sure that is the only thing he can be. Having human emotions, I am so hurt, betrayed, and just pissed. I feel like he went crazier because I took his control away. he wanted to place blame on my 7 year old daughter for our failing relationship.

      I paid for everything. He moved into my house, and never tried to work. I was his supply. I hate that I was used by someone I loved. I thought he was my soul mate. He made me believe that. I dont know what hurts worse, leaving a man I loved, or knowing he was never capable of truly loving me like I thought he did. How can I cope with the fact that he conned me, lied, probally cheated, and used me, and still yet did not love me. As a mother I feel like crap about myself. I feel like its my fault that I did not see the signs. And yet, im sitting here wondering how a human doesnt give a shit about someone who gave them everything. I havent heard from him since he left. and the way he is, I know I never will. But I wanted to atleast hear an im sorry, to me, and mostly to my daughter. But he is incapable.

      Does anyone have advice on how to recover from this?
      I just cant seem to make sense out of my life.

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    • Jenn, I am very sorry you find yourself and your daughter in this place. It’s important to find a counselor who has experience with treating and offering support to survivors of emotional abuse and trauma. I also offer links to resources on the “Resources” page of this blog. First and foremost, allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and avoid anyone who attempts to minimize or dismiss your pain and truth. Too few want to believe people like sociopaths really exist. So don’t frustrate yourself with trying to force anyone to believe or understand. People either do or they don’t. Stick with those who believe you immediately and validate you.

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    • Jenn-

      Often, when we begin to see the signs that we’ve fallen prey to a character disordered person, a Betrayal Bond interferes with our ability to run the other way. Betrayal Bonds are the toxic glue that binds us to our loved one, even though we sense harm.

      Nature gave us brain chemistry to connect us in loving bonds. It’s what makes us “forgiving” in relationships. It’s a powerful force that exists whether the object of our affection is a decent, caring person, or not.

      A good example of a Betrayal Bond is Reeva Steenkamp. Even though she had demonstrated her fear of Oscar Pistorius, she remained with him, long enough to be murdered. Cosby’s wife stands by his side, and Janay Rice married Ray Rice the day after he punched her lights out in an elevator, for the whole world to see.

      People who don’t understand how Betrayal Bonds work stand in judgement and come up with all kinds of ludicrous explanations: they stay “for the fame,” “for the money,” or for any number of other motives. In reality, they stay because they have the mixture of “unconditional love” and a moral code of conduct that connects them to their offender- which produces a “Betrayal Bond.”

      People don’t escape Betrayal Bonds unless they either get help or get hit upside the head with a two-by-four. When you saw your child attacked, your protective instinct for her welfare overrode your “Betrayal Bond” and acted like the two-by-four you needed in order to see the light. While you didn’t see it for your own safety, you saw it for the safety and protection of your child.

      So stop dumping blame on yourself. You are now in a place of awareness. Do what you need to do to protect yourself from his behavior. And get both you and your child into therapy so you can deal with your feelings and concerns. Find a therapist who is familiar with relationships with a sociopath.

      Also, if this man is the father of your child, by all means, report his behavior to the police so you begin to create a paper trail of his abuse. You will need it.

      If he is not the father of your child, block him from any further contact with you and your child. Your daughter will need help dealing with this loss.

      All the best-
      Joyce

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    • All these types have is Slander. No one but an equal follows. It’s a free extermination. Really.

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    • Thank you for sharing. I have been in the same situation for 30 years. I am not a gossip and so he, and others around him, are able to spread their lies and people believe them. He is charming, smooth, while I am an introvert, never say the right thing, and come across as though I’m lying when I’m telling the truth while he comes across as telling the truth when he is lying. I have decided to just go about my life and hope that someone his true character is revealed. Not sure this will happen, but I can hope and pray.

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    • Anonymous, I know what you mean about being an introvert and not saying the right thing…fumbling over our words because words are too utilitarian to capture our hard-to-express emotions. I got tired of being judged as too sensitive or inappropriate, but I couldn’t help but react after a while to the lying and darkness creeping from his being.

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  35. I used to houseshare with a narcissistic sociopath, his girlfriend stayed with us four nights a week and the abuse he heaped upon her was appalling.
    He told her regularly how stupid and useless she was, he would shout vile insults into her face and deride anything postive that she attemped. He was regularly unfaithful, she knew about this as he would conceal the affairs with flimsy lies but she would never dare to bring it up.
    She took all of this without complaint and would sometimes even agree with him.
    In public they were, and still are, one of the most charming and likable couples you will ever meet. The perfect couple.
    I used to try and defend her but this would always result in her turning on me and so eventually I stopped trying.
    Behind closed doors he was a self harming mess. He could not keep a job, he would routinely lie to get sympathy, to make himself look good or to control people, he had no concience about the damage he caused to other people with his lies, yet presented himself as a wonderful person, something which he genuinely believed himself.
    Everything was about himself and his image, nothing else mattered. People were there to serve him and he could not understand when they didn’t.

    This couple are still together today and we have many mutual friends but I avoid the pair of them like the plaque. The few occasions that I have encountered him have ended badly because he simply cannot understand why I do not want to know him.

    I cannot help wonder how many other women live their lives in horror like this.

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    • Duncan, you bring up an excellent question. Abusers of all types of abuse, including emotional abusers, are able to brainwash and manipulate their victims into absolute compliance through grooming and idolizations of their victims in the early phase of the relationship. A love bond is formed prior to the betrayal bond, resulting in a high degree of cognitive dissonance within the victim’s mind:

      “He said I was the love of his life and that I was perfect for him. His criticisms and cheating must be my fault. I must have done or said something to disappoint him.”

      This thinking spirals and results in the victim making excuses for the abuser’s treatment and even protects the abuser from outside criticism. The victim is essentially operating like an addict: she knows intuitively that the person is not good for her (like a drug), but she believes the love high he offered her in the beginning is just around the corner. She must be patient. She refuses to give up her drug.

      In her patience with him, she loses faith and trust in herself and becomes completely reliant upon him (her drug) to affirm and offer her the approval she desperately seeks from him. And he gives it to her piece-meal, interspersed with demoralizing comments and treatment. He drops a crumb of a compliment, and she focuses on THAT and blocks out and makes excuses for the rest. It’s a sick and evil cycle.

      The only way to end the cycle is for her to recognize she deserves better and leave him. But how can she possibly allow herself to think clearly about what she deserves while swimming in the muck of her cognitive dissonance and addiction? She can’t. She must somehow suspend her reality of him long enough to allow her intuition to take over. THAT is nothing that can be planned or forced. It must come from within the victim. Which is why I recommend supporters of victims encourage them to take some yoga or practice meditation. Something that requires the victim to focus on herself and her inner power and love and compassion.

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  36. […] fascinating post on how to identify a sociopath, (https://paularenee.wordpress.com/identifying-a-narcissistic-sociopath/). Sociopaths can be superficially charming and may appear to be wholly sincere. However they are, […]

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  37. Hello everyone 🙂

    I am a 35 years old male and I had a 4 years long marriage with a woman that fits 70% of the descriptions above. I would like to ask you, Paula, or anyone else: how the hell can I identify such a person BEFORE it happends?

    Thank you and take good care of you 🙂

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    • Great question! I think some red flags in the early relationship phase relate to how YOU feel in relation to the behavior of the narc/socio. 1.) Does this person seem too good to be true? 2.) Is this person professing love for you prematurely? Is it realistic to say “you’re the love of my life” to someone you only just met? It’s not even realistic to make such a claim even after one or two years, in my opinion. 3.) Does the person just rub you wrong and make you feel uncomfortable with things she says or does? 4.) Do you make excuses for behavior because the relationship feels so good? 5.) Do you override your moral code to maintain peace and comformity? These are just a few i can think of off the top of my head. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • Toranaga14,
      Good question. There are traits as Paula points out and no doubt you are familiar with them now. Going forward you may find that you are hyper-sensitive to N traits in someone. All I can say is go with your gut. The N I dated was different from my N mother but at a certain point I realized that the way they made me feel was the same. Walking on eggshells, feeling anxious, and generally uncertain of things. I noticed in the Ns world you are either loved (to the point of being smothered) or hated! They either have use for you or you do not exist. At least that was my experience.

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    • Hi Toranaga-

      Paula has done an excellent job of mapping out some of the telltale signs that will tip you off to character disorder. But emotional predators are very good at hiding their past and making things seem like they’re the other person’s fault.

      As a heterosexual male, the type of character disorder you are more likely to encounter is in the form of Narcissism. It is far less likely that you’ll come up against a woman who is a down and out psychopath. The ratio commonly considered by mental health professionals is especially low, although not non-existent.

      Narcissistic women are after self aggrandizement at your expense. And many of them operate in a Munchhausen’s way that turns everything that happens someone else’s cruelty. They are very good at playing the system to make you look bad.

      If you have accumulated wealth or have a good job, beware of women who are considerably younger than you. They may try to convince you that they like “father figures.” That’s a tip-off that they have some significant, unresolved issues with their father. In that relationship, you will be the provider, and they will be the child. While that might not seem so bad to you initially, they are mean spirited child who will try to exploit you.

      Narcissistic women are very manipulative. They can be very quiet and soft spoken, while at the same time setting you up to be the “bad guy.”

      At the heart of all morally disordered people is one central characteristic….. They are unable to feel emotional empathy. You can see this trait in how they respond to people around them, not just you. If they don’t give up their seat on the bus for the elderly woman…. make note. If they cut the line to get in front of others, listen to their actions. If they are rude or speak down to the waitress, start tying your shoes. If they ignore when someone falls off their chair, run the other way as fast as your legs will carry you.

      Paula’s book,”Escaping the Boy,” describes life with a character disordered person. Putting her book in the hands of someone, and listening to their feedback, can help you detect whether or not they related to the harm that was described. The ability of an emotionally intact person to empathize will be obvious.

      All the best-
      Joyce

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    • Thank you, Joyce. Great insight that you’ve shared!! I never thought to use my book that way, but you may be on to something. 🙂

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    • I know!  When people comment to me about my book, I can immediately read where their head is at. Either they get it or they don’t. When they don’t, I ask myself why. It’s convinced me that there are far more sociopaths in the world than we give credit to. We’re living in a very Narcissistic universe.  One day a guy I know was listening in to a conversation I had with a woman over my book. He immediately started arguing that lying to someone to have sex couldn’t possibly be a form of sexual assault. “It doesn’t hurt anyone!”  I just shook my head hopelessly when he said he was going to take a poll among his buddies. The next time I saw him he said, “Ya know…. I asked my friends, and they think you’re nuts!”  I said,  “I think you need new friends!” I ran into him the other day and he said, “Joyce, Ya know those guys I talked to about your book?” I thought I was going to get another dig so I just shrugged and said, “Yup, I remember.” “One of them was arrested last week for domestic violence, and the other was fired for stealing from his employer.”  Big hug!J  Joyce M. Short Twitter: @ jm_short, #RapeByFraud https://twitter.com/jm_short Facebook: Carnal Abuse by Deceit Blog: http://www.RapeByFraud.com

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    • Sociopath is more of a cover as it can be slapped on anyone. It’s the MO’s and signature traits and patterns, that will aid detection.

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    • Yes, Paula brings up good point. Trust your senses. How it happens is self respect privacy boundary issues naive and or vulnerable. Watch out for ‘counseling’ praise that really just validates and or suits them, pity/sympathy, pejorative demeanor and approval games.

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    • We are not always bad some of us live a very private life

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    • Im a narcissist social path female most of my realationships with.men and friends never work out im very insecure if i dont get satisfaction that i need from others i will cut dem off right away if i feel u dont like me or im not ur cup of tea i probly wont deal with u …i was raised by a narcissist mother im the only child i try not to make exuses for my problems but i do think my mom has alot to do with it i mostly got verbal abuse mostly if i didnt do exactly wat shes.says and wen she say.it my mom who barely did anything for me always tryed to steal my shine …she was very jealous of me wen men will flirt with me she.was try to jump in by saying something …she use to put me down about my looks

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  38. I’ve commented before here, & until tonight I felt all right. I’ve been successfully dodging him for well over a year -no physical contact, no on line contact initiated by me, no replys from me to any initiated by him, & no peeking @ his on line stuff . Great!.,…Maybe…

    I know ‘why’ I’m so careful, esp. with avoiding face to face contact. There is some degree of fear which annoys me to no end. I have seen &, heard him in a screaming rage. He is a Very Big person & quite volatile on occasion. But more than that, I really not sure if I would fall for his stories in a face to face situation. I’m not sure if he would physically or verbally try to hurt me, & I’m NOT HAPPY dealing with that, since I have never had to deal with fear of anyone before.

    I went through more pure CRAP with this person, & most of it came from him running his mouth overtime, & putting other people up to it. (IE: I actually Really liked this man,, & that’s not something that happens to me often.) Then I find that he is all sneaky smoke & mirrors. I’ve known him now for about 2 1/2 years & I don’t even know his last name! Which probably is helpful to him by minimizing restraining orders. (grin) He has ‘problems’ with women. He freaks them out. To be honest, I never really wanted to find out more info on him because that would involve me poking around to get it. “Don’t poke the bear!” I also assumed that whatever the heck kind of ‘interest’ he had in me would have gone after a long period of No Contact & avoidance.
    I guess not?

    I may be dealing with this continued harassment because I never did show fear. Perhaps I’m just a lab. rat to him? Maybe we all are? There are times when I think that he is getting even with women. He more than fulfils all the outward criteria of male attractiveness, but doesn’t do well with women. He claims Aspergers, among other problems is why he can’t. That could be so, but does he need to try to psychologically beat women down before he approaches them? He seems very intelligent & capable in other areas of his life. (has held a job long term, drives a car, maintains himself independently & always is well groomed.)

    Input anyone…

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  39. I am dating a narcisstic sociopath…HELP!! I was friends with this girl for nearly 8 years, had a great friendship for many years until one day she starts to pursue me. She claims she always liked me. But now I am beginning to know the real person behind our friendship :/ Anyone else been through this and helpful tips on how to “unattach yourself and set yourself free” Thank you!

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    • Hi Steve.
      I think you need to sit this woman down in person (not via e mail or social media) & tell her that you do not wish to continue the relationship. Do this in a kind & firm way. You have known this person for a long time so, if she tries to change your mind, you probably have some idea of the tactics that she might use. It might not hurt to ‘rehearse’ to counter her arguments.
      Please be aware that if she is a true Narc./Soc., you are going to loose some mutual friends.
      Do not delay in telling her how you feel. Do not give her false hope, & don’t “Try to be Kind” by letting her down gradually. Don’t be mean, but if it looks like you cannot go back to being friends, it might be safer for you to cut all ties.
      Never assume that they will get the message by avoidance or being chilly. If she is a true N/S she will try to guilt you, & claim that you were not honest with her, or accuse you of being ambiguous, being passive aggressive, or playing games. The reason I’m saying that you need to talk to her Now, is that if things get hairy you may not be able to talk to her at that point without getting put into a bad situation. If anything, you won’t second guess yourself later about ‘Did I do the right thing by her & was I fair & hones with her’
      In my personal experience, I should have spoken directly to this person right away. I don’t know if it would have made much difference to his reactions, & hostile actions, but at least I would not have questioned my own character later in dealing with it.
      (I did say what I needed to say on line. I know from his angry reaction that this person got the message, – loud & clear, but N/C’s don’t seem to be able to process things that do not work to their advantage or satisfaction.)

      I wish you he best of luck Steve!

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    • I share in your pain Steve. I’m just now recognizing that the woman I love is narcisstic and may be sociopathic. She has a lot of the traits. Uses people, lath of empathy for others. Everything is me, me, me. I’m treated as an extension of her. She never wants to do what I want to do, or watch movies that I want to watch. It’s all about her. She even fishes for compliments.

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  40. @TIiffany. This is crazy making at it’s finest. This happened to me so many times. If you continue to stay and get no support through counseling and friends, if you have any, you will start to doubt what you are witnessing. This is what they want. Don’t let this happen!

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  41. My ex used to tell me that I was his “home.” I struggled for a while how to figure out how to classify him, but I gave up. All that truly matters is that he is a monster and he hurts people. But reading through both lists of traits indicative of each personality, nearly every single one of them is true for him. It actually made me sick to my stomach as memories came flooding back for every indicator on the list.

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    • This described my last four relationships over the last 16 years. So what is wrong with me ?

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    • There is nothing wrong with you, Anonymous. You just don’t recognize and value what is right with you and put your needs before others. I’m sure you see these people as sympathetic characters, stray and/or abandoned dogs that everyone before you discarded and you wanted to be the one to help them. Well, they don’t want your help just your pity n order to take advantage and suck dry all of your energy and knowledge and understanding and patience. Was it worth being sucked dry just to be shamed and humiliated by the very people your thought you loved and would sacrifice your time and worth just to elevate their worth? Of course it wasn’t worth it because look where you found yourself…on this blog trying to make sense of the senseless. It’s time to take back your power and worth and put YOU at the number 1 position in your life. Without self-care and self-love, we can’t offer care and love to others. People like thise don’t reciprocate love and care; they just take, take, take. You’re perfect as you are and it’s time to take inventory of yourself. 🙂

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  42. Hi Everyone, I posted on here a few months ago and I was a complete mess. I came to Asia in August to visit family just to get away from the sociopath I was with. He was still in contact in my first few weeks here and although I had no intention of getting back together with him when I returned home I found myself still swept up in all the drama. Anyway one weekend he disappeared all weekend. Usually he goes out gets drunk and then contacts me. This weekend was different, even talking to him on Whatsapp before he went out I knew something was up. Even half way round the world. When he wants to confuse me he talks in riddles and was giving me info but I knew it was all half truths.

    Anyway he was with another woman, someone he went to school with who has just recently joined facebook. I found this out because the following weekend he sent me a message on fb with his gps on, He was in a small village in the middle of nowhere (he does not drive and all round lazy) I asked him what he was doing there, apparently he was delivering and fitting a kitchen with his brother (bullshit) he was calling me nuts, crazy, I am mental. I was not actually acting any of these things I just kept asking him why he has to lie about everything all the time. He did the classic of then completely changing the subject to his health (he has type one diabetes)I just said ‘I don’t care, I have read all about people like you, changing the subject to get out of telling the truth”. The weird thing is I really did not care by this point who he was with I was fed up of being taken for a fool so I did a small amount of detective work on his fb friends and found a girl at the top of his friends list her profile was public and turns out she is from the small village he sent the message from.

    I was angry that he was still trying to manipulate and control me so finally I blocked him on fb, whatsapp and every other source I could. This is single handedly THE BEST thing I have done. It was not easy at first and I was harbouring a lot of anger towards him, especially when he is due in court on the 16th Dec for attacking me (again) but I kept repeating to myself “just let it go kate, whats done is done” saying this calmed me down.

    I have also heard stories in the past about his exes and the emotional and physical abuse. I decided to take a risk and contact one. She messaged me back and told me she nearly contacted me when she saw I was dating him 3 yrs ago to warn me. She detailed the abuse she was put through. He uses all the same lines..it was very strange but in a weird way comforting that I was speaking to someone who knew EXACTLY what I went through. The charm, the sob stories, excessive drinking, the physical and emotional abuse, financial support, the manipulation, compulsive lying about everything.

    Hearing this something clicked in my head (finally) and although I knew he was a nutter but this made me really face up to the severity of the abuse I suffered with him. It has now been two months of no contact. He probably thinks he has hurt me by finding a new gf. God knows what lies he has spun her but he has actually done me a MASSIVE favour. I think about it less and less every day now. I am still going to have some counselling on my return home to the UK just to talk it through with a trained professional face to face and I still have more of this journey to go but I have 7 more weeks in Asia to enjoy xmas with my fam. I have lost 42lb, have a great tan, I am laughing again and I feel free for the first time in years. Things are on the up
    Things I have learnt….No contact is said for a reason, it works. The sociopath is not too good for you it’s the other way round, do not get confused. Time really does heal. I am also learning more about myself, how strong I actually am and if I can get through this I can get through anything.
    Keep going and do not cumulate your losses, although tempting, its self destructive and remember nothing can be as bad as being stuck in that painful destructive cycle they create. Read, read, and read some more about them, it has helped me so much. Thank you!

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  43. […] Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath. […]

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    • my daughter (Age 16) had an off and on relationship with someone like this. I can’t even begin to tell you the havoc he had on our entire family. He has since moved and I know he is already after a new victim. I hope and pray that her family sees him for what he is.. He wrecked my daughters self esteem and pushed her to be someone she wasn’t. He manipulated me as well. He saw me as a target as well as I tend to care about people and their well being. Your article has helped me understand this type of person and its freeing to know I am surrounded by others who have dealt with this..

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    • I’m very sorry you had to see your daughter go through this.

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  44. Starr,
    Didn’t mean to scare you. Everyone is a bit different. To be fair, I never told N not to contact me or block him. With him I knew that would only be giving him attention ironically. I elected to take another route and just remain silent or when I did actually speak with him, I was calm and unaffected by whatever he was spewing. I would also remove myself from the situation whether on the phone or in person by saying I had to go. After a while he realized he wasn’t getting what he wanted from me. The recent scattered attempts don’t bother me – I just ignore them.

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    • Yes, Starr, & Stronger…they are not all alike. Some just go. Some tentatively try & then give up easily.
      Paula, I have not been insulting him. He just spread his sob story around, & people that believe him are yapping @ me. I have not responded in kind. I don’t know these people & don’t know what was said to them
      One reason why I got the Willies from this situation from the get-go was how he brought unrelated people into it. People I didn’t know accusing me of things that I Didn’t do. When I 1st met him, he asked me out, gave me his name address & asked my name & where I lived. I didn’t give my name & was not very specific about where I lived.
      I assumed that he was in his early to mid 40’s. Not so..He claims to be in his mid 30’s which is a Lot too young for me. Even without all the other insanity, that was just too much for me to deal with.
      So after dodging him for a year, now he gets people to call me “Ugly, “Hag”, etc.. I guess this is his revenge? “Crazy old broad chasing him” ?
      I’m saying that he should Believe what he says about me & go bother someone ‘appropriate’.
      . I don’t have to believe that stuff, cuz it’s not so. (Maybe he ought to stop asking ‘Hags’ out?)
      Cdn. Thanksgiving Monday. an elderly lady, over 6 feet tall stopped outside my house & started screaming & yelling, while glaring @ me through the window, His Grandma? Her height suggested that she might be. I just got away from the window & let her rave.So I’m one of the things they discussed over Thanksgiving dinner? WHY!?
      Thing is, he was hacking & tracking me before on line. I bought a lap top to shake him. If he wasn’t still hacking & snooping, he wouldn’t know anything that was said here or elsewhere…..

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    • I am hoping this will work for me as I am fearful to incite his anger more by using a restraining order. When we exchange our son I try to look as ugly and run down as possible and I am just starting to try not to react to anything he says. I pray it works and that he will find someone else to be completely engrossed in. Right now he tries to make me feel bad and fearful in order to get back together. Why I don’t know since he was always the one threatening to leave and get sex somewhere else! Makes no sense.

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  45. I have to agree with Pennyfarthing. I’ve known N for 2 years, only dated for 4 mos. I thought like a normal relationship he would just go away, especially if I did not initiate contact. I was wrong. For the last year and a half he has attempted contact several times – always when he was in need. Never to see how I was or with any regard for my well being. Once we stopped being sociable, if we spoke I no longer held my tongue. I didn’t care anymore if I upset him. I told him I didn’t feel he was a true friend, that he was only concerned about himself, that he had ignored boundaries and got visibly upset or went silent when boundaries were enforced. That what he expected from me and what I got from him was way off balance. He of course said I was crazy and that there was nothing wrong with our friendship – he said I was just upset because we were no longer dating. Truth was at first I actually thought we could be friends but he was no better at friendship than he was at dating. He was the same self-absorbed SOB. Only now I didn’t care if he “liked” me or not – I wasn’t excusing or blaming his behavior on what he experienced in his past the way I tried to do when we were dating. I didn’t care if he just disappeared. I should be so lucky.

    At first weeks would go by and I would think ok, that’s it. Then I would be woken in the middle of the night by calls. If I didn’t answer he would call again and again. If I ignored a text he would follow up with another text asking why I didn’t respond. A normal person would think, maybe I shouldn’t call this person I’m no longer dating and haven’t talked to in over a month 5 times at 3 am. Maybe they don’t want to talk to me. They don’t string things together or just don’t care. Like Pennyfarther, I too learned his pattern and knew that if he was attempting to contact me it was because he was in one of his down cycles and had no supply to turn to. Whatever it was you can believe to him he was in crisis and being ignored was not an option. Again, his calling had nothing to do with me – he was in need. Time would go by and I could almost sense when he would call. I started turning off my phone at night and in the morning I would have several missed calls from him. It seems just when I think he’s gone for good, there it is.

    So by all means, work on yourself, take responsibility, go no contact, keep boundaries but also know that splitting from these people is an experience in and of itself.

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    • Hi, I just want to say I couldn’t agree more with your last statement. It is extremely difficult to get rid of a narcissist. At times, it can feel like a full-time job, in which a part of me believes that is there intention: to waste as much of your time as possible.

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    • Pennyfarthing and Stronger01 you are scarying me I will never get rid of him. I am down to a couple of emails a day but knowing that there are no boundaries for him. I am sure when he gets rejected (apparently he has 30 women waiting to date him according to one of his emails) I can expect contact. I am glad I blocked him on my phone so he can’t text me but he can still leave voice messages. It is really unsettling when you receive unwanted contact. His emails can get kind of weird too. It seems to help me to read others stories they are so similiar and it is helping make sense of what’s happening to me.

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    • Thanks! It’s been a month and he hasn’t try to contact me. We work in the same place and I haven’t even seen him although he is still works there. I know security and HR spoke to him after I gave them the order so maybe they trying to stay away not to lose his job which I find extremely weird since I know he is very careless and doesn’t follow rules. I’m staring to think he’s trying to “behave” so he can get it lifted or maybe his new victim is satisfying his needs. And thanks for the suggestion, I actually read the book right after me and this individual finish our “relationship” and I suspected he was a sociopath. But after reading it I comfirmed it. Great book! Thanks!

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  46. These people are in your life for a very specific reason, that is, they identify your weaknesses. If you were strong your encounter with them would be very brief. Since these people are attracted to weak people, it says a lot about you. Instead of hating them, take responsibility for your part in allowing these people in your lives. Take responsibility for your weaknesses. This is not an attack on you, this is to inform you to take control of your life, as they take control of theirs. PUT YOURSELF FIRST. They are not the cause of your suffering, you are. They simply facilitate and affirm your beliefs about yourself whether consciously or unconsciously. Seriously, if you loved yourself, if you trusted your feelings and believed in yourself, the very instant you perceived something was not quite right with your relationship you would have dealt with it and if you continued to feel a sense of uneasiness you would have left it knowing that you were right to move on even if you could not quite pinpoint what it was that was wrong. Since these people are master manipulators it is their job to be subtle with their deception, it is your job to listen to your instincts.
    The emotions of fear, rejection, abandonment etc are what attract these people to you…they recognize them in you even if you do not. What they will do is give you exactly what you fear. This is a good thing because it allows you to recognize what beliefs about yourself that is not serving you and gives you the opportunity to make changes that serves your higher good. It is all about you; not them. UNDERSTAND THIS, YOU ARE MEANT TO FEEL GOOD ALL THE TIME. UNHAPPINESS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A TEMPORARY SITUATION that communicates something is wrong and it needs to be fixed. Liken it to a toothache, your teeth are never meant to hurt you, if they do you know that you need to get it seen to so that you can feel good again. It is the same with ALL of you.
    Another blessing that these people may have brought to your awareness is the the feeling of love that felt amazing. Guess what, at least you know what love feels like, you own that feeling not them as they cannot feel and have no idea of such a beautiful feeling, can you imagine how empty they must feel all the time. You are far more powerful than they are as you have the capacity to experience all the beautiful emotions that are associated with love. You have what they want, but they can never have. Maybe that is why they have such a deep rooted hate and anger that makes them so contemptuous of humanity and in order to get back at humanity they hurt them. Remember, hurt people ultimately hurt people.
    Also, in order for them to be liked by others they have to fake a likable personality because if they were their true selves they would be hated and would not get very far in life. This is so very evident by the very fact that people discard of them once they are aware of their true identity. So you see, they truly are powerless, and it is you who have the power. You have to liken them to a bully, once you drop the fear you render them powerless and they move on to their next weak victim.
    The remedy is to learn to love and value yourself, you have the right to be happy and at peace and you will never find that with these type of people.

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    • Thank you, Joe. Admitting weakness and accepting it is certainly one of the toughest aspects of healing and transforming from this. 🙂

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    • Thanks for pointing out we have the power to move on and if we were not weak we would never of stayed. The reason I came to this site and looking for answers regarding what just happened to me was because I have never been in a relationship that was abusive. I was at a temporary low point in my life when I met him as I was going through a divorce after a 10 year relationship. I am educated and the nature of my work requires me to be self aware. Paula has pointed out they gravitate toward compassionate empathetic people. He would play on this and each time I was ready to break up he would say he was all alone and there was always a situation why he made me feel I would be heartless to leave him. They are master manipulators and are able to find your weaknesses and exploit them. My weakness is taking on the caregiver role and I am a nurturer. Although I always thought this was a strength I had he would exploit this so it became a weakness. He had me feeling sorry for him using pity as a way to keep me in the relationship. As he had convinced me we were soul mates I felt there was lots of reasons to stay. I overlooked the verbal abuse. His cheating was something I would not overlook and gave me enough to leave the three years of hell sprinkled with enough heaven (love bombing) to get me to stay.

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    • Joe makes some good points but let’s not discount how deceitful NPDs can be. Most of us are not accustomed to being skeptical of the sincerity of others. I do not believe it is a weakness to have empathy for others. Many people in my life say I am the strongest person they know. I have overcome, I am self-made and there is not a lot I need that I don’t have or can not obtain on my own. I mistakenly thought that I could help someone else do the same. I believed what I was told and I believe those things were true but the motive behind the story was not honest and that is something you don’t see right away.I don’t meet people on any level expecting them to lie to me. I don’t judge them as guilty until proven innocent. Someone may have problems but it doesn’t necessarily mean they are a bad person. Unfortunately, it takes a bit of time to figure that out. The mask come off as we say and depending on how entangled you are, it can take time to cut yourself free, even when you are strong.

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    • Joe Boggs- Thank you for your comment. Taking responsibility is the first step to healing.

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    • I have been involved in a 2 year relationship with a lady I think is a sociapath , as I learned about into month 4 of some issues , I told myself I could fix this , after confronting her she just would not admit anything even after I had tangible evidence . My problem came when I loved the sex and much as she liked all the stuff
      Then when she would threaten to leave I went into panic ( rejection/abandonment ) mode
      And I would always take a better trip, buy a bigger prize to make it feel right
      Then she was smart enough to figure that out,
      I hated the thought of her leaving me.
      Well she did leave, but we kept seeing each other as FEB and of course on her terms
      I feel terriable about what I had let happen, money I spent , work I lost
      All the above and yet still find hard to walk away

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    • Anonymous, It’s hard to just walk away when you were in it for love, real bonded love. Severing that bond is never easy. Especially, when it’s made obvious that your bond was to a person incapable of love. It was a trick. It’s tough to rationalize and accept. We refuse it. We remain in denial about it.

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    • To Joe Boggs:
      Like Starr, I was in a really bad place. Looking after a parent with Alzheimers for years had made a physical & mental wreck of me. He must have known this. He also has acquired brain injury, or so he says. I guess this made me seem like I might be vulnerable.
      It took me a very short time to see that this was a very bad idea, but he simply keeps bouncing back.
      I don’t even have to check any posts he makes to know that he has had yet another break up with another GF. I start seeing him several times a week, passing in traffic with a look or a wave @ me. (How the Hell does he know where I am ?!) Or he stops in front of my house. Or a creepy email. (He was never given my email addy, he just hacked it) He has had 3 break ups in the last 10 (?) months, & each & every time he’s back.
      Realizing your boundaries & limitations is all very well Joe, but getting THEM to respect them is another matter. If they knew how to do this, they would have empathy, & understanding & the people that they hurt would not be writing on this board. It’s not as easy as you think to get it through someone’s head that you are just not going to accommodate them.
      Stalking. hacking, spying are part of some of these people’s notion of ‘caring’. They will do it, if they have had success in the past with former GF’s. Maybe even if they didn’t succeed, it’s probably ‘fun’ for them to harass people who reject them. “HOW DARE THEY!”
      They feel ownership of other people. We are objects.
      Either he or one of his brothers has currently taken to spending time @ a house that abuts my house..It’s not a crime to have friends. I get catcalls from that house, or loud screaming of personal insults when he passes my house. He works close to me & has relatives that live close.
      This is clearly Abnormal behaviour, but for some reason, to him it’s perfectly normal.
      We can take control of our own lives, but some of these people will make it a struggle for us. I just hope that he takes the personal insults seriously, believes them, & Never appears in my life again!

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    • Insulting these people directly seems to work, at least from my experience at least. 🙂

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    • I am trying to survive restarting my life after 32 years of an abusive marriage to a narcissist/sociopath. I lost everything I ever worked for including a mortgage foreclosure , over $50,000 of IRS debt, he never filed the taxes and taking care of an autistic 24 year old son. I have been searching for answers but too busy trying to financially survive. I look forward to reading the book.

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    • I am very sorry. I hope my book helps and leads you to other resources.

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    • Its so very true they exploit at some extent vulnerable or weak and for this reason extremly kind people, they turn them into victimized co dependents as they have this narcissistic supply need or addiction satisfied only when the victims are consistantly devalued by their actions abuse mistreatment , it takes time to set boundaries but also no one is immune and even the strongest person can be betrayed manipulated victimized for a while if he or she is just a good person self confident enough for loving or bonding to other people or in need of a decent relationship, companion , marriage etc
      As a matter of fact , to be vulnerable or weak one has to be self confident and undertake risks as well.:)
      Thank s Joe thank you Paula

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    • This so true.i was married to one for 13 years and we have four children together.weveere divorced in May and he was married in June.i found out he had been cheating on me with multiple women during our marriage.i was in shock but now I see all the red flags that were in front of me.constant feeling of thinking I was crazy and he even had my family convinced I was nuts until the truth came out.thank God for the order of protection I have against him because he can’t eadily continue to manipulate me.i just hope my kids do not turn out like him

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    • Joe, whilst I completely agree with what you have said (victims of narcissists have no boundaries and they use that against us), please know that people who have broken free from a controlling narcissist are broken and trying to heal from being love bombed, gaslighted, alienated and their self worth has been stripped. To use a ‘blame stance’, ie: tell victims to take responsibility for their ‘weakness/es’ is tantamount to perpetuatung the abuse that broke us in the first place. Please remember these ‘weaknesses’ are actually our strengths in moderation: we are loving, empathetic, nurturing, helpful and often have a rescuer complex. These are actually good qualities in moderation and a better, healthier way to help us heal is to remind us to be more selective in who we choose to allow into our lives, not tell us to be different people. Remember narcissists and/or sociopaths have an illness, not their victims.

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    • Wow!! This is what I would say to someone, if I was on the outside looking in. Thank You! seriously, I needed to read you insight., I am in a relationship with a man, defined by six narcissistic traits and thirteen sociopathic traits, I am disgusted at myself, it hurts! His true self was revealed 2 years ago, after many battles lost, tears, and apologies by me. I just keep my mouth shut. I have almost lost my spirit. He knows what he is doing, right? Maybe not the right verbiage, but he knows he is a self-serving prick, Right? I have told my friends, many times over, what keeps me here <— him sitting next to me, is the need for him to admit I am not crazy, he has used me, lied (he can be caught red handed and still lie), and cared none…. But noooo of course he loves me and if I would stop doing whatever (wanting affection, intimacy, understanding and respect) he won't do the hateful, spiteful things he does to me or some other meandering bullshit. Pardon my language. Thank you again.

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    • Wow!! This is what I would say to someone, if I was on the outside looking in. Thank You! seriously, I needed to read you insight., I am in a relationship with a man, defined by six narcissistic traits and thirteen sociopathic traits, I am disgusted at myself, it hurts! His true self was revealed 2 years ago, after many battles lost, tears, and apologies by me. I just keep my mouth shut. I have almost lost my spirit. He knows what he is doing, right? Maybe not the right verbiage, but he knows he is a self-serving prick, Right? I have told my friends, many times over, what keeps me here <— him sitting next to me, is the need for him to admit I am not crazy, he has used me, lied (he can be caught red handed and still lie), and cared none…. But noooo of course he loves me and if I would stop doing whatever (wanting affection, intimacy, understanding and respect) he won't do the hateful, spiteful things he does to me or some other meandering bullshit. Pardon my language. Thank you again.

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    • He knows he’s hurting you but doesn’t care. He feels entitled to be a self-serving prick. 🙂 I am sorry you are dealing with this, Tiffany.

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  47. I’m so grateful for finding this website. I’ve been with a man for 2 years who shows all of the traits of a narcissistic sociopath. I am not the same happy bubbly girl I was 2 years ago. He has completely destroyed my self esteem and inner joy through emotional manipulation(incredibly subtle! Like if you try to describe to do someone in detail how he’s behaved, it’s very hard to pin point one thing, because it’s an accumulation of little things but put together it’s huge)
    He started out overly showering me with love and charm. A week after we met he claimed “do you know I think im starting to feel something special for you” or ” i think im already in love with you” compliments, affection, the works. Then a few months in the control started. Telling me I had to stop dancing with my friends because it wasn’t a respectable thing to do. Trying to stop me seeing certain friends. If we ever argued it was Never his fault. Always talking about himself and his grand success in life (he thinks he is going to be like Floyd may weather) a business that he has apparently been running or involved in(for 7 years!) that is going to make him a millionaire (but all he does is sit in front of his laptop and do f**k all) yet he’s poor, is always charming or manipulating those around him to give him things, money, whatever he can get. He exists by living of others financially but he does it in such a way, it’s like he gets away with it as ‘okay’ or ‘normal.’ Hacked my laptop (and checked my phone) and accused me of doing or looking at porn, and also cheating and lying on him which I have never done (while later on it has transpired he was looking at filth beyond belief on his own laptop, and is having numerous chats/photo swaps with other women around the world, and these conservation’s including sexual pictures as well as the emotional charm crap he was doing to me at the beginning, almost like he was always having a “few on the boil’ so to speak) A person who you always felt unsure around. Like there was always mystery with him, like things never added up. He would say one thing, then a w months or weeks later the story changed or had new or deleted details. Holes or mysteries in his past relationship stories. I have since spoken to his ex (a lovely women) whose tale of the relationship was very different from his!! Yet out of all this he claims I’m a “bitch” I’m not a seRious woman, I’m the one who is sick in the head, I’m the one who didn’t change and do ‘as he told me to do” incredibly intoxicating sexually, smells good, dresses well, flirts, charms, everyone who knows him In the community “thinks he’s a great guy” or “he’s a good