Sociopaths aren’t just the serial killers and rapists we see on the 6 o’clock news. They are our neighbors, co-workers, friends, family members, and sometimes our “soul mates.”

Sociopaths are the charmers and manipulators. They are the people who appear together and well-groomed at first glance, but hide many secrets and lies underneath their mask of sanity.

Sociopaths, in the early love-bombing stage of an intimate relationship, use many superlatives in order to woo and control their victims.

They say things to intoxicate you into compliance:

  • “You are the love of my life.”
  • “I have never known anyone like you.”
  • “You are perfect for me.”
  • “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
  • “I never want to leave your side.”
  • “You are the most beautiful person I have ever met.”
  • “We are perfect for each other.”
  • “You are exactly what I have been looking for my entire life.”

The following is taken from my book: Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath:


Do you know what it feels like to be locked up, placed in a dungeon of a partner’s creation? If so, you’re not alone. If not, pray you never do.

Abuse comes in many forms and affects many people in the victim’s life. Emotional, physical, and sexual abuses are equally degrading and harmful. One is not better than the other or worse than the other. They are ALL abuse.

This story is specifically about emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic sociopath.

According to Dr. Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door, sociopaths make up 4% of western society (Stout, 2010). That’s about 1 in 25 people walking around among us without a conscience, without the ability to measure, or care to measure, the morality of their decisions and actions. Would you know how to identify a sociopath if you saw one, met one, started an intimate relationship or entered into a business contract with one? More than likely, your answer is No, because unlike what we read on the television news or see in Hollywood movies, sociopaths aren’t just serial killers and murderers. Rather, they are members of our communities who we would never suspect of evil or wrong doing and who seamlessly blend into society with the rest of us. How? Through lies, manipulations, and more lies.

In romance, narcissistic sociopaths often appear too good to be true. They are charming, agreeable, and engaging. The narcissistic sociopath loves (or seems to love) everything about you. He hooks you. Then he breaks you. His emotional abuse is VERY subtle. The victim may not know she is being victimized until it is nearly too late.

Identifying narcissistic sociopaths

Although not all narcissists are sociopaths, all sociopaths are narcissists (Stout 2010). Therefore, if you can identify a narcissist, you’re one step closer to being able to recognize a sociopath. Below is a definition of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and a list of narcissistic traits taken directly from the website of Dr. Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self-Love. (If you know someone who fits at least 5 or more of these traits, a psychiatrist could easily diagnose him/her as having NPD.)

The DSM-IV-TR defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as “an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts,” such as family life and work.

1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);

5. Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;

6. Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;

8. Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;

9. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy (http://samvak.tripod.com).

Once it’s clear you’re dealing with a narcissist, go through the following list to see if the narcissist is also a sociopath. (You’ll discover many overlapping traits from each list.) The list below of 20 sociopathic traits is taken directly from the book Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us by Dr. Robert D. Hare, Ph.D:

1. Glib and superficial charm. The tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Sociopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A sociopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2. Grandiose self-worth. A grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Sociopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

3. Need for stimulation or proneness to boredom. An excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Sociopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

4. Pathological lying. Can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.

5. Conning and manipulative. The use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.

6. Lack of remorse or guilt. A lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.

7. Shallow affect. Emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. Callousness and lack of empathy. A lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. Parasitic lifestyle. An intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. Poor behavioral controls. Expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. Promiscuous sexual behavior. A variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. Early behavior problems. A variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

13. Lack of realistic, long-term goals. An inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14. Impulsivity. The occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

15. Irresponsibility. Repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16. Failure to accept responsibility for own actions. A failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

17. Many short-term marital relationships. A lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

18. Juvenile delinquency. Behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

19. Revocation of condition release. A revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.

20. Criminal versatility. A diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes. (Hare 2011).

In addition to the above two lists of traits, the biggest trait (or magic trick as I like to call it) that makes narcissistic sociopaths so dangerous and effective is their ability to go unnoticed by the rest of us. They can do this, because they are good at pretending (lying) and wearing many masks (again, lying). Simply put, they lie to themselves and everyone else. They lie so much that some of them are convinced of their own lies, which is where evil is born.

I am no psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor. However, I have lived alongside a narcissistic sociopath and feel the need to share, even if in a tale-like fiction setting, how I understand the psychopathology that insidiously penetrated my body, mind, and spirit until I was nearly convinced that I was the evil one. How? Projection, transference, and control, that’s how.

I hope you enjoy this story and pass it along to your family, friends, others you love, and anyone you suspect is or has been a victim.

Paula Carrasquillo ~ July 2012
Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath


Paula Carrasquillo, M.A. lives and works in the Washington, D.C. area. She holds a master’s degree in Communication and Adult Education and a bachelor’s degree in English. Paula is currently enrolled in a 200-hour yoga teacher training program and hopes to be certified in July 2014. Her next book, “Embracing Your Light: Minful Healing and Recovery from Sociopath Abuse” is set to be published in late 2014.

Join the conversation! 961 Comments

  1. […] Identifying the Narcissistic Sociopath–After reading this on Paula’s Pontifications, sociopathy becomes a distinct possibility not just for one, but for both my blog stalkers.  It is, of course, hard to be absolutely sure, but as the above blogger advises, better to behave as if they are.  It’s safer. […]

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  2. For years I’ve been describing myself as a narcissistic sociopath to my friends. They never seem to believe me. While I can feel, or at least what I call feeling, it’s not automatic or passive. I logic my emotions into being. I don’t think, “Oh, that’s a cute puppy” and feel happy at thinking it. I see the puppy and think, “That’s a puppy, a young dog. They would probably like this thing.” and throw out a smile for everyone to see, then make some sarcastic remark about being a cat person and steer the attention back to myself and my conversation. Empathy is something that takes effort for me, and must be “turned off/on” like a switch. That last bit is particularly useful.

    I’ve never been violent, not that I’m against it. I’ve used the threat of violence to get my way several times, but physically at least I’ve never intentionally hurt someone. I have no problems with the thought of killing someone if it served my needs, but I’m fairly lazy and there are usually easier ways to get a job done. I’ve never really had my back up against a wall in that way.

    I tend to surround myself with people that are lesser than me, my friends included. People smarter or more talented than myself, as rare as they are, are usually objects of observation. Best kept at a distance, to be studied and analyzed. Almost like they have some secret for me to become even greater than I am now. I don’t resent them, unless they flaunt their particular talent in front of me. At its worst, the paranoia that they are intentionally trying to sabotage me may set in. I usually recognize this as paranoia and dismiss it, but I have confronted people over stupid things before.

    As far as holding a job, I’ve worked at the same place for two years now. This is a huge milestone as I usually keep a job for a few months at most. My co-workers all admire me, and my manager is afraid of me. I do the jobs no one wants to do, and they love me for it. Is it beneath me to do work like that? Of course, but it’s a gas station. It’s only natural for the entire job to be beneath me. I do it anyways, for survival.

    Regarding crime and sexual behavior, I’m a clean slate. I’ve had few sexual partners, and never at the same time. What can I really say? Dating is pricey and porn is free. As far as crime, people being suspicious of me doing something would really hamper my ability to “blend in” with the rest of you normal folk. My choices are guided by risk and reward, not by some moral code. Being notorious and the center of attention sounds nice, but eventually the bars will close on that cell door. Everyone gets caught, I’d be a fool to think otherwise. I’d much rather keep the adoration I already have, and garner more little by little. I’m very patient.

    When it comes to relationships, I am incredibly territorial. I can be jealous, and I made sure all my previous partners knew this. One of which was even an exhibitionist and tried to use that fact against me. She was fun. What I call love is probably more like a business transaction. You bring something to the table and so do I, if this works out well for us both the relationship continues. I don’t get emotionally attached, but I can get accustomed to the support a significant other provides. I have never been abusive, but when a relationship ends I can become enraged. How dare anyone say I’m not good enough? Naturally, it’s never my fault.

    I am a self-serving, manipulative person. I’m not perfect, no matter how hard I try to be. Honestly, if I was I think I’d be pretty boring.

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  3. I have been a away a while, been a busy person, i saw in here a question for me, by a Nick, he asked basically what i feel and how i feel it, what i fake and what i dont (he may not read anymore but i will answer anyway).
    Well first off i cannot drink in general due to a surgery when i was a baby, a few beers but i never go far enough to get drunk enough to have a hangover, a few beers is sometimes required to meet up with some people.
    I feel pain just like everyone, i choose not to get high for the same reason i dont drink, doesnt mean i havnt done that in my life time, but again learned it didnt serve my needs, I get sick, not so sure its like everyone else, if im with someone i will make seem much worse than it is, or when im around people I will again do the same, but alone i will keep it in the back of my head until i need to bring it out, but of course a cold or flu hits me like everyone else, but in general i think that the lack of feeling or lack of care about it might make me feel less of it than others, however i can not confirm or deny that, i use sickness as a ticket to sympathy, which of course would be a form of control.
    For those here that may not have read my posts, im not here to make fun of anyone, like you im here to learn and share, i do know what i do, and i do it anyway.
    Me and Paula have discussed a couple times, i believe ive made it fairly clear im not here for any ill intent.
    Ive read a number of the recent posts here as you are more likely to still be reading, One thing that seems to be forgotten is the lack of emotion the true soc-narcs have, i dont get an adrenaline rush from controlling and deceiving others, its more like giving a dog a bone, I will do what it takes to get another bone, and if I continue to get them I will keep doing it, when it stops, I will step up to the next level until I get that bone again, so its more like following a trail of break crumbs to keep the control and deceiving going.

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  4. I can identify with so much of this but not with my husband. I have said for years that my 37 year old son is a NS. Our life was a living hell while he was at home. I remember saying when he was 8 years old “if this is what he is like at 8 what will he be like at 16?” We had him tested for everything imaginable and basically were told we were bad parents and it was our fault. He is now divorced and has two kids that we love very much. But of course he has convinced them that we don’t love them because we don’t see them enough. We try very hard to see them but he doesn’t allow us to. Sadly, they believe him. I only hope that in time they will see the truth and come back into our lives. But as long as they are under his influence they won’t.

    He doesn’t like me (Mom) because I am the only one in his life that has ever called him on his behavior, everyone else has enabled him so of course he thinks I am the one with the problem since no one else complains. It has caused a rift in my family because my parents and sister continue to enable him at 37 years old!

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  5. Hi there,

    I just stumbled across this blog while doing a google search for the definition of sociopath.
    Iam new to finally seeing it for what it is, i suspected it for so long and finally decided to do some research and bingo! I was right! And no it is not me imagining things. Holy cow.

    I went through the nightmarish hell of living with my husband and ADD son in my sociopath mother-in-laws house for 13 years. I am just now realizing that i think my husband is also suffering from some patterns as well, although he is not half as bad as his mom. I have confronted them on several occasions only to be told, it is me of course, who is the trouble maker. It is a long story and it is a late hour of the night for me right now, so i wont be writing too much.

    I am still in this marriage and still living in this house with them but i have managed to draw boundaries and cut them out as much as i possibly can. I am in the process of starting a home business and will be able to leave within 2-4 years for financial reasons.

    What i really want to say is that as intensely horrible as the experience was for me (i suffered a nervous breakdown and had a near death experience -that was the lowest point for me) I am now much stronger, braver, wiser and confident than i swear i have ever been before in my life. I am coming out of this a completely new and better person. It was a horror yet extremely transformative for me.

    Intense meditation daily is what saved me and healed me. Im pretty sure i would probably be in a straight jacket right now, if it hadn’t been for that.

    I find myself occasionally questioning if i should seek therapy because i do have what i *think* might be slight PTSD moments….but they are not that often, maybe 3 or 4 times a month and not that severe. I do manage to catch myself going into one after a few seconds and manage to stop them. Does that require therapy you think? It’s hard to tell, i am not a therapist but I want to make sure i am 100% ok.

    I am an empath which i do not see mentioned here so i am not sure if anyone is aware of this, but i remember reading somewhere a few months ago that empaths were targets for sociopaths? Because we are the complete opposite of them so they prey on us. Not sure how true this actually is but now it is making me feel weary of trusting people. I know i am better off for recognizing the problem but still have this slight fear of omg what if this happens again.

    I do feel strong but i don’t know i guess i just want to make sure i am 100% ok, Maybe i should talk to someone just to make sure. What is your take on this? Do you think therapy is necessary?
    Please, i would love some advice and would appreciate your perspective. Thanks.

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    • Jenny,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story and infusing this comment section with hope. Seeking a therapist is a very personal choice and one you must make for yourself. The very fact you are contemplating it suggests your gut is telling you that what you’re doing to counter the effects of your experience is not enough. You may need more than just meditation.

      For me, I felt like my therapy sessions were highly inadequate and ineffective. The medication was counterproductive to healing and took away my ability to feel anything!

      Luckily, I stumbled onto yoga. From there, I found the strength to write. I changed my diet. I meditated. I communicated with others going through similar struggles. I created a personalized prescription of integrative and holistic approaches to healing and recovery. I no longer rely on medication or traditional therapy.

      But therapy is a highly personal decision. In my newsletters, I share a lot of holistic and integrative techniques and lifestyle options recommended for healing and living a more open and loving life moving forward.

      Empaths, introverts and highly sensitive folks have a tough time sifting through the fog without getting distracted by the new emotions, sensations and pain that emerge naturally as we move through all of the stages of grief and recovery. Having a therapist, coach, mentor or willing friend to listen and keep us focused on the light is ideal and recommended. We simply can’t expect ourselves to do it alone. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength.

      ~Paula

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    • In my experience empaths are very much targets & we tend to take a lot longer to heal… A support group is very important, it’s helps normalize the extreme abuse we’ve been subjected to… You’re on the right path: just have people around supporting you who don’t minimise what ever you need to heal

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  6. Be wary of people who manipulate conversations to get you to say and do things you feel uncomfortable about. They could be using NLP, or neuro-linguistic-programming on you (look it up). Lovebombing is how most victims get sucked in: they are tired of the “games” people play with each other in communication and are flattered by a narcissist’s confidence and constant attention @vixentalent. You may be fooled into thinking that this means a narcissist is truly interested in you, when in fact, he or she is grooming you for abuse (for money, sex, sadistic pleasure in your pain) – anything they can get from you! Trust me and RUN.

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    • just dated a guy for six weeks who turned out to be a sociopath. I had an creepy crawling feeling from day 1 but looked past my worries and THAT STARE and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Smart, charming, good looking, great job, well-off, somewhat introverted, well read, and very into me… what more could you want right? ha. wrong.

      Luckily, I ended things at six weeks although he still managed to hurt me, use me, catch me totally off guard, and make me extremely angry…

      One red flag was the questions…sometimes via text and late at night before bed, out of nowhere. Asking about me missing my deceased mom on mother’s day. Asking if I felt fulfilled in life and/or what would make me feel fulfilled.
      I thought maybe he was highly intuitive and a deep thinker. NOPE.
      They really love to push any buttons they can get away with and pry as deep as possible. DON’T LET THEM. and YES. RUN. They are actual monsters.

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    • This is happening to me to the max i need to save myself before it gets to late and i end up in a place i dont need to b in the person responsible for this mess should own up and b solid like he/she says what do i do ?!??

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    • The person who is destroying everything will never be responsible. The first thing you must do is realize that and let go of the idea that you’ll receive any type of immediate justice. It doesn’t happen that way. Instead, prepare to leave. Prepare for heartache and the excruciating process of severing the fraudulent love bond you thought you had formed with this person. I’m very sorry. But you are strong enough to do this.

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  7. Wow! So much hurt and pain! I have been living with a Narc for 22 years. I knew things were bad 20 years ago when she would get into these raging fits over how to not fold a towel. But I was a frog in warm water wanting things to work out. She had been so charming our first 2 years I wanted to believe this was just a blip in the road. It has been my road for 20 years and now she has replaced me and quickly moving on to another victim. From reading this blog I know that I should be grateful, so grateful. It’s letting go of what I thought could have been that’s hard. I am told that time and God heals all things. Full of hope I move forward.

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    • Time, God and the belief that you’re worth the joy and happiness your pain and suffering is keeping you from living helps us heal. 🙂

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    • I left a relationship of twenty years and only just came to realize I had been living with a sociopath all this time. I’m now trying to divorce her and get out with my two lovely daughters. I have to keep one step ahead of her desire to destroy me and win her evil game. I know that once I have my children living with me, then all of her pawns in her sick chess game are gone and she will move on to her next victim. May that day come very soon.

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  8. wow, i have dealt with a female sociopath, i didn’t open my eyes until the very end. I could feel something was different something was wrong but ones i found out about her past it was a shock and heart breaking experience…hit me hard and its hard to recover.

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  9. I assure you it is possible for someone who has NS as someone calls it to know they have it and to be willing to share, why would i want to admit to being one of these bad people as you call us, well i guess you could say i have recently become amused by how someone like me is viewed and how others “attempt” to understand us. for many years i did things without even noticing, finally i realized the little voice in my head was “supposed” to be a conscience, however it tells me that when ive done something wrong, why stop?
    For years i did it without my knowing, didnt really understand it until i stopped and thought about it, it took something very cold hearted (no ive never physically harmed anyone) for me to think “i should have felt something there” thats when i realized that i didnt feel anything, i know that im supposed to feel things, society tells me i should feel bad… or good, or what ever, but i never did..
    Also its not true that we we cant look at our selves, we do, we do all the time, we just dont care, we dont have that little reflex that says, stop! So I know what i just did, but if you dont feel bad about it, why would you stop doing it?
    emotions stops almost everyone here from doing things, what stops me is being bored, or the potential that it will ruin my later plans.

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    • It’s not emotions that stop people; it’s their conscience. And looking at yourself involves going beyond the surface of your actions. It goes beyond accepting or rejecting them. Thanks for continuing to reinforce what many of us already understand about people without conscience. Of course you’re going to tell us we’re wrong about what we think you think because we actually think deeper about what you do than you do. Makes total, logical sense that you protest so much.

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    • Oh no im not going to tell you that you are wrong about what you think about us, your absolutely right, you dont understand some aspects of it, but for the most part you get my “disorder” correct. all i want to see is if someone can understand this 1 concept, or rather.. is it possible for a normal person to understand 1 thing, can you think of simple emotions and not tie memories or “feelings” to them? when were you, happy, sad, angry, joyful, frustrated. see i can read each one of those words and each of them mean the same exact thing, they are an idea, i know how i should act tward them, but to act them on my own accord is pretty much impossible, im wondering if the flip side of that is true.

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    • You mean can a person who has a conscience, the ability to feel and be empathic also experience the lack of feelings? Can we experience being numb, essentially? Yes. Of course, we can. It’s the state we MUST move through in order to fully recover from being exposed to people without conscience who are numb themselves. The only way to respond to being treated as non-humans is to, in turn, associate our experiences being treating as objects as if we never experienced those experiences as humans in the first place. When I think about my relationship with the man without conscience, I no longer feel angry, happy, sad or wanting. I recognize my self in the memories as an object, a sleeping zombie, and I feel nothing. And it feels great, ironically. Do you understand? Is that direct enough for you? Unsullied by emotions? Flat enough of an explanation for you to comprehend?

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    • Paula im not here to pick a fight, or make anyone mad, which i know it feels like what im trying to do, and believe it or not your post at least does contain hints of emotion, maybe none of the described ones, but that of remorse, again you are attaching a memory even if not that of the ones i mentioned, you are attaching one of pain, because someone like me hurt you, so while yes you may be able to block the rest, the overall one, you cannot no matter how much you want, believe it or not, and you wont, im not here to pick on anyone, I like you wish to learn about my self, you wish to learn about your self and help others, and you do seemingly well at it, i simply wish to learn for selfish purposes, but i still desire education, and that is why i asked the question i did.
      dont misunderstand me, i too can learn, and thats all im trying to do, i want to understand something that i cant feel on my own, as you wish to understand why i am the way i am.

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    • Jess, any emotions you claim you you sense from my writing is coming from my present emotions as I attempt to explain emotions to you, someone who will repeatedly get it wrong regardless of how well I articulate what I’m feeling or not feeling. You attach a surface analysis to everything. That works in business and early stages of relationships, but serves no one except yourself, who moves on to the next person or job because you’ve become bored, as you claim, with the surface. In addition, If you think the emotion I attach to my past is that of being hurt, you’re just as obtuse as the next person without conscience that I’ve run across. It’s not about being hurt. In order for you to understand what it’s really about, you’d need to access your empathy and your remorse. You have neither, so continuing to express myself by tapping into the depths of my core is a vain exercise on my part. You won’t get it, so why waste my time?

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    • I dont feel good or bad about my past, in fact i dont feel anything at all, so when you say you look back as a sleeping zombie and it feels good, thats where we differ, i look back and i honestly feel nothing, i can think of any situation and i cant link a single emotion to it, i know how the society “normal” would feel about it and how im “expected” to feel about it, but i dont feel that emotion no matter how much id pretend i did if you and i were to meet person to person, but my honest emotion is more like that of a ekg flatline. do you need to fake your zero emotions? like i fake having emotions, or can you honestly seperate them? thats the concept im trying to understand

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    • I don’t fake anything. But you’re faking your interest in “understanding”.

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    • Im asking in my opinion a simple question, as far as i know ive done nothing to hone such disdain, as i stated i want to understand the concept of if normal people can turn off their emotions, im just wishing to be educated in the concept, as i said for selfish purposes, i too can be educated, i cant be taught the emotion, but i can learn the concept, when you “shut off” your emotion, does it easily come back on, like if someone told a funny joke do you laugh because it was funny, or are you doing what i do and laugh because its expected?

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    • Hi

      Jess, I think you give a very interesting point.
      I think we all like to understand what you do enjoy and what you fake:
      e.g. food / sex / travelling / dancing / jokes / reading / comedies / being admired / drunk./ high on drugs / being in company of others ?

      Also would you prefer to be like everyone else .e.g. with more empathy?

      I am also very interested how you feel your own bodily stress:
      before the age of 30 you ever felt really ill from hangovers/ or if you caught little sleep or if a flu makes you feel as ill as the rest of us? if you in fact do feel your body when it feels tired as much as the rest of us or do u actually think others are all much more sensitive to hangovers/ feeling of general tiredness than you?

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    • Interesting questions related to bodily stresses, Nick. I’m curious about the answers he’ll provide.

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    • awesome I’m just like you I think the most important thing is to make sure that you get out there and tell your story to everybody first so that even before they meet them they already are on my side this is work well for me for many many relationships the one I’m in right now I’ve been in for about 7 yearsand he’s a fool he lives by his heart and he keeps coming back no matter how cruel and mean I am to I made it thanks to my family about him so that he can’t come to my family events and can’t come to any Christmas or anything nowI think I pretty much created the world so he doesn’t even have a single friend who has one friend but he doesn’t talk to him because he’s so depressedhaha that’s a joke every time he starts crying I just yell and call me tell him he’s not a man and he’s in he’s not really a human being even reallyso I hope that how tall is psycho pass out there actually nurse narcissistic is the most important part of itbecause I believe my own lies so what’s really li

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  10. I used to be married to a narcissist sociopath! We had a 10 year marriage, got divorced just about 11 years ago now. He seemed normal for the most part during out marriage, then I started noticing his changing attitude. The more money he made (he did his own online business) the more arrogant he became and would start to put me down in snide comments that he works a real job while I stay at home with our children. Ugg.. I noticed he started “purchasing” peoples affection and I asked why does he feel that he needs to do that and his reply was if I would do the same thing then maybe more people would like me too.

    Got the divorce, a year or so after our divorce he started a ponzie scheme online and manipulated thousands of innocent people to “invest” in his scam, which he made millions off. The SEC stepped in and nailed him then took him to civil court which he didn’t show up for and claimed he didn’t know what date it was supposed to held as his lawyer was “in a coma” so he didn’t show up. Nailed him for 4 million in fines. Then came the Secret Service who investigate money crimes on the internet and took him to criminal court where he again was nailed and sentence for 5 years in federal prison (where he is today) and fined an additional 4.5 million in retribution to his victims.

    He has convinced our daughters that he is innocent… B.S. he knows what he did and much more. my oldest daughter is so conned by him that she seriously thinks that I had something to do with him going to prison and that I am to blame. My younger one follows right along, Uphill battle with them at this time but I know hopefully with age they will come around and see the truth.

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    • I’m so sorry about your children, Karen. But you’re absolutely right about then eventually learning and figuring out the truth about their father. I’m glad he’s been held accountable and where he deserves to be.

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    • Paula, I’m so thankful I ran across this article! I’m just getting out of a 7 year marriage with a sociopath.of course until recently I had no idea he was a narcissistic sociopath. I always thought it was his drug addiction (which he hid so well in the beginning). After counseling for both of us, then some of the craziest stuff I’ve ever experienced , which has resulted in an order of protection, my counselor informed me that my husband suffers from a combination of personality disorders. He has done a number on me. I wake up anxious because he is immediately on my mind. My head says one thing, but my heart says another. My counselor says I’m still emotionally attached. He attached himself to my dreams, goals, favorite places, family, etc. so now if I think of or see any of that, I’m reminded of him. I moved two hours away from my hometown of 42 years, to get away from the memories and from him (I was afraid of his instability). The hardest thing is letting go of something I thought was real. I saw on the list that short term marital relationships are one of their characteristics. At first I thought “well I can’t believe he stuck around for 7 years”, but then I reminded myself that he needed me to financially support him. I’m so lost and in so much pain. My heart not only aches for me but for our grandchild who was so, so close to him. Sorry for the long post, but truthfully, after being with this crazy man for 7 years, it could’ve been so much longer.
      Kimberly

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    • I am very sorry, Kimberly. Your therapist is correct. You are still attached. We become deeply attached through the love bond and the betrayal bond, ironically. We spend so much time focused on the dream and fantasy they create, that even after they are physically out of our environment (out of sight), they remain on our minds. But there is hope. Lots of hope. Finally realizing the trick your mind has played on you in tandem with his tricks, you can begin to unravel the chaos and move through the fog. It takes time. Be patient with yourself. Practice meditation or do something you love to do that brings you joy and calm. Many like to hike or walk or sing or paint. These solo activities bring us closer to the parts of us we lost and allowed to get intermingled with the sociopath/narcissist. Our identities were lost. Re-capture who you are outside of any person, place or thing and you’ll release yourself of the anxiety and create new dreams, goals and favorite places.

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    • My story is similar to yours except I am still married, 14 years together, 6 years married. He did 5 years for securities fraud and has 1 million to pay back in restitution and this happened before we met back in the 90’s. Our kids are still too young to know about his past. We are supposed to be splitting up this summer but I am so nervous. He has just been diagnosed with bipolar 2 and put on seroquel which makes his anger worse.

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  11. I read your article with great interest, however I would like to ask why the sexist use of “him” and “his” in the article, when women can be narcissistic sociopaths too?

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    • Thanks for asking, Anonymous. I wrote this from my perspective in the early stages of my healing almost three years ago. My abuser is a male, hence the gender-specific writing. My intent was not to insinuate that only men are sociopaths. My only intent at the time of writing this particular piece was to purge myself through the therapeutic power of writing what surfaced inside of me.

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  12. All I can say is…be brave take a deep breath. Read everything you can asap. It will all make sense then and hopefully give you the power to get out. They fill you with love and hopes and dreams, and everything they want you to hear so you let your guard down. Before you know it, you will be empty of who you are. They will pull away leaving you trying to gain their attention by doing anything and everything you can think of. If I could odcslit my wrists without dying, just for his attention, I would have. And when you can’t think if anything else, you will feel hopeless and desperate. Its sad. Very sad. I’m still having a hard time comprehending how they are void of human feelings. That part of the brain just doesn’t work.

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  13. […] such as Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath—these three very often used interchangeably in terms of the abuse such […]

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    • I seen alllmost all of these traits in myself and my biyfriends. Its depressing i dont like being this way….and i dont like him being this way neither but i love him

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  14. WARNING TO MEN OR WOMAN: 1. If you are entering into a relation make sure your mate has friends. If they don’t find out why that maybe a bad sign. Mine didn’t. 2. (Young People) when you move in together make sure the other half talks with their parents and get the ok. After all it is their child and they love them unconditionally. My wife told me she spoke with her parents jumping in the car and they were ok. A few days later I found she just left them and I took the fall never telling her father she was to get the ok. A year or so later we got along great after we were married. BUT I was thinking my god she did the same thing to her mother and father in a way with no care for their feelings and THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG. A person, who does not respect their parents, if their parents are nice normal parents, could mean that person has some serious problems that might not be able to be seen on the surface. I suspect now I was a Trophy boy friend because I was very physical, had a neat VW and she went to an all girls’ school where I would pick her up so she could make the other girls jealous. I see that now. After she left me, most likely telling her parents a lie, both passed away within 1-½ years. Very sad, they were parents to me also. Of course I was not invited to the funeral of her mother. About 6 months after she left I didn’t even know she had moved in with this killer but I went to her fathers funeral and walked in the church. Standing with my ex wife and my children was this man a complete stranger. I felt like I was in a bad nightmare where someone takes over your family and no one knows you or cares. Even my children. The only person who helped me get through that was my son. I really miss him.

    I had 2 Narcissists in my life (one turned Psychopath) read on and find how destruction works.

    Guys are married to the same HELL also. I was married for 30 years. We had a marriage (married at 23 – 1973) that never had one yell or icky for 12 years. 13 years after our 2nd child (I am suspecting if they are even mine now it took all of a week to get pregnant both times) was born my wife clamed up and for 12 years. She became more distant. She had affairs for at least 13 years because a doctor told me in 1990. She told me he didn’t know anything and Bla Bla. I fell for it and put my head in the sand. I have had a life long medical issue that crashes my jobs sometimes and I have to work hard at getting new work or starting a business. My wife used people including me I know now. The most danger you can face is a person who is sick like this but is quiet, uses projection like artwork, talks like and angel had worked with delayed children as an EA (boy I was proud of her just didn’t know she hated doing it). The day that quit was when we saw the neighbor woman in their hot tub at noon with the kindergarten teacher next door while her husband was working. The woman started an EA job at the same school 2 yeas before. A few days later my wife came home (I think she was thinking about exposure) and started freaking out. I hate my job, I hate working with Barb, I hate the kids etc. I was floored. I want to work in retail. My wife always could do what ever she wanted I never told her what to do and was supportive. I did not like the hours and she agreed that if it messed or marriage up any more she would quit. RIGHT? What a dummy I was. She was in the middle of a mall having all kinds of men hitting on her. That is what she wanted. She was transferred to another store and there she started picking up men at work. My so told me she was terminated for this action but she still pretended she was still going to work which I now know she was going to her new boy friends place. She then crossed the line rolling into a psychopath with the intent to kill me to be with another because they want it on their terms, no divorce that might expose them, easy transition and snow the family members into what ever they want them to think about you. They can kill you and project you as crazy.

    In 2004 I was having trouble with my work because I was sick and my son had cancer. At the end of 2004 I was terminated due to downsizing. A few years ago I found the bank statements and my wife spent $14,000 the month after I was laid off. Multi $300 checks were written I think she was banking to move in with the other killer man. My wife had been seen several guys now working in retail. I suspected and should have known. Clothes in the closet were bare and from 2001 to 2005 she worked retail and I hardly saw her. She finely left my life the beginning of 2005 but not after dragging my daughter into her web and spent $10 K to $14K a month. I had no money left.

    My wife and I came back from the store and I must have had something to drink or eat. I WAS POISONED!! ONE MINUTE I WAS STANDTING AND THEN ON THE FLOOR GOING INTO SHOCK. My body was tingling and it felt like I lost my guts and was in a fetal position. I called for my wife and when she came I asked her to call an ambulance, which I never had done before. I was going fast. She just stood there. I looked in her eyes and I could see she wanted me to die right then and there. I pleaded to her as on pleads to call. She just stood there with that look almost waiting and taking pleasure in my pain and watching me die. WELL I saw that I was going to die and poison and her never crossed my mind I thought it was e-coil or food related. Still she wanted me to die. I mustered every last piece of life in me to keep from going into shock where I would have most certainly died. No one would have known. I had to go back to the hospital twice. I could not even sip water. It felt like I drank battery acid and my system was inflamed the same way. The emergency room ran a lot of tests for food poisoning but never ran a toxic report. They passed it off as my illness that was not they just didn’t know and didn’t run the right tests.

    To make matters worse I have another very evil Narcissist in my family, my older sister who was executor for my mother’s estate. She fraudulently put my home in my mothers will she had made while my mother had suffered severe brain damage and could not remember purchasing my home together in her name with $25K down of my funds. (Because I had a spec house that hadn’t sold) I was to later assume the underlying when she fell ill. MY SISTER jealous of me took my home and scattered my family out for money not family. She divorced my mother for my father on her gravestone. The crazy thing is she is rich, took her brothers home and all his assets, to make it look good gave everyone related part of my house and savings and you might ask why. Because my sister is a jealous type of narcissist She hated my father who was most generous to everyone and never excluded anyone in his life or business. My sister is mental because she puts her self up as the family patriarch and took all my mothers best things as entitlement and lost her $1.2mil estate over 8 years so she came after my home to destroy my family out of jealously and hate for my father who I remind her of. She is sick but had control, money and attorneys so my suits to get it back I had to abandon. NOW she is one like was explained in other posts that thinks she is normal. When do you destroy another family member just trying to start a family with out any feeling of moral conscious? WOW she has problems but I was the screwed up one in everyone eyes. My mistake was I didn’t sign an agreement with my mother before she fell ill for the home for assuming the loan. We bought and sold real estate and just did it on a verbal basis. My sister knew that she did it of hate and jealousy and because she is most defiantly a narcissist. Her own son won’t talk with her she insults his wife in such a horrible manor and this at Christmas, I just wanted to leave. This was before she took my home. I am still fighting from being homeless between both of what these people did.

    To top everything off my daughter has 3 children, which I have not seen. See continues to hurt me and I think the grandchildren for never seeing their grandfather. I would like to give them toys and see them. I feel she has inherited some of my wives issues. I hope not all though she did get pregnant (2nd time 1st abort I didn’t know, wasn’t told) and sucked a studying fireman (went to school with) into marrying her and had 2 more children right after not planed. She seems not to care about anyone only in a superficial way. A BRICK ON THE FIRE on top of everything I lost my son to cancer Oct 2014. The only one who know almost who my wife was but she was still his mother. He didn’t see her much until he fell ill and then I hardly saw him because I didn’t have a home for him to come to thanks to my sister! We went out to rock concerts and did a lot of stuff together. I have no family now after coming from a large one.

    The poison? Almost 2 years went by and I told a woman about the incident. Like I said poison never crossed my mind. She was a hard tough girl in re-hab and probably knows bad women better than anyone. She looked at me like I didn’t see the train coming for me and said Man your wife was most likely a Black Widow. Then it clicked. The guy she was with was a military marine garbage specialist now working for the local county they live in. He knew everything about what medical examiners and hospitals look for. He gave here the perfect poison I suspect but I guess I just missed that fatal drop. I went to the hospital and looked at the records and they passed it off as my chronic illness I have had all my life and they did not do toxicology a study I think because my wife brought me (what an angel) in and I thought is was food born. Rule everything else out only leaves one thing, POISON.

    RULE’s:
    1. If you spouse is quiet but leads others to think bad things about you and does not correct them than she or he is setting you up.
    2. If your spouse degrades another man who she has almost dally contact with then she or he is most likely you know.
    3. If a qualified emergency room doctor or any trusted doctor tells you in theses words which is a direct quote of what he told me but I didn’t hear, “I sorry to tell you this but your wife is a tramp, she has an STD and to have gotten this particular kind she had to been sleeping with several men”. BOY you would think that would wake me up?
    4. If your spouse becomes abusive telling you are going to be alone and no one is ever going to like you etc on and on. That happened 1n 1995 10 years before and I should have had the courage to divorce her then but left the decision up to her which I should have not.
    5. Your spouse does not want to do things with you used to do, hicks, boating, sport car ride, even going out. They won’t go with over to see life ling friends you have had forever to visit and we were with before we were married. The steel and get rid of things personal like clothing they hate without you knowing.
    6. They do not care about your feelings at all. If they beat on you emotionally and you are breaking down into a nervous breakdown and they just keep going.
    7. Starting is Jr high they brainwash your children into teaching them you are not worthy to be their mother or father. THIS IS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING EVER!!
    8. In an argument they use a child as a tool. My son had an anger management problem my wife never addressed. She used him against me. Or new house had holes in every door and walls. She drags him into the mess and he had threatened me with a baseball bat. All I was saying was leave me alone. Quit. Cut it out. Time out. Give up. Over. But she was relentless. I finely called the police because I didn’t want her to hear my son by using him on me or me. Of course I was to blame for all that and she went to live with her sister and then moved in with the Marine killer guy. Strange she used to be a non-war no violence such as myself.
    9. Sexual clues can be the same time, if any, same place, bed and abusive verbal comments. In my case, “what’s wrong aren’t you man enough” WOW needless to say I just tried to go to sleep after I stopped which she wanted. Another clue is a spouse does not clean up after being with someone else. Kind of easy to spot for a guy but say you love your wife and you think no it’s my imagination. IT’S NOT.

    BOTTOM LINE: People that grow unstable but seem normal are very hard to spot. My case was denial. I was madly in love in that 13-year marriage that was great. We had the American Dream 2 new children, great marriage, a $700,000 house I just built. By yacht time even a dream house my wife did not care. Anything over a year old and not used gets tossed. She left everything after cleaning the bank account out. I was in foreclosure, my investment car collection was gone (where I made extra money), $60K in my checking was gone and I was to blame, but I found the bank statement a few years ago. I didn’t know the extent, thought $100 $200 a month cash back not $10K to $14K a month when I was only making $2,400 a month. Don’t give your spouse control over all your money. AND MOST OF ALL the person who did this is not the person you are in love with. That person is gone as if the passed away. Sad truth when they are that ill and do not recognize it, or no one can or tell them and seek medical help, you are just torturing your self over someone that once existed but no longer does. This person most likely had this problem from birth but it can take a bad direction at any point in their life. If they cant control you, home security, job security, financial security all can be a reason for this flair of this disease. LIKE ANYTHING DO YOUR DUE DILLANGE!

    WHY? Now you are thinking why would my wife try to kill me and not just divorce me. Well if I died my sister might have given her the house; the main thing was her parents. They were older and her father who I also thought as my dad (mine passed when I was 23) was in poor health. They thought we had a marriage and match in haven and a divorce would revel who she really was. It would break their heart that she was leaving, might kill them, so she lied. For the last year I could not go see her dad before he passed away because I could not look him in the eye and lie. My wife found it easy. He nephew even beat me up because he was lead to think through projection that I was a physically abusive husband, god never. When your spouse blames you for lying and you have never lied before after 20 some years and rants and raves about it they are calling you a liar. To them anything you say is a lie. It is like there wires are crossed and all truths are lies and all lies are truths. When abuse starts the projection and verbal abuse starts. Next might be a change of job or something to allow them (in my wife’s case) to pray on younger men (in my wife’s case) or just other guys.

    Well it’s 13 years later and I am coming out the other side. I am $420,000 poorer (life savings gone), no home $900 car, no job, my son is gone (hurts), I am sick and on assistance now trying to find a sponsor for a writing career I want to start. Ironic when I have worked my self to death (really almost died 2 times and worked some very dangerous jobs even though I am primarily a project manager, engineering and manufacturing educated and experience. I have paid a lot in taxes, Millions of dollars I have contributed to the economy. I did a good job raising my family while my wife was messing with the kindergarten teacher and many other men. BUT I’M STILL HERE AND THANK GOD I AM ALIVE AND LIVED THROUGH THE NIGHTMARE.

    HOW TO GET OVER THIS? You never get over something like this. I went to a therapist even several because I wanted to make sure I was not Screwed up. I went to a few more to try to remotely analyze why this happened and all this is what a group of 7 or so physiologists and therapists came up with. I got a clean bill but have some dispersion and anxiety. Considering I could be dead I guess I am lucky. There are hard parts to recovery I have found. I had very high self-esteem even though I suffered with a life long illness. I snow; water-skied, started manufacturing companies and even inspected 747’s. My wife branded me as a failure and irresponsible. My illness forced me to have to change jobs and professions to the point of starting my own companies. Anyone that thinks being ill and having t go through 35 jobs, business and careers has it all wrong, It’s really much more work. My wife wanted a 10-year younger guy, healthy, a killer, not me. Strange when she left she walked out the door took all my photos and videos I spent 1,000’s hours recording family etc and a the Christmas stuff even my child ornaments and I will never see them again. She did not even acknowledge me at or sons memorial she has a cold heart but great crocodile tears. JUST ADVICE but my regular doctor to me start you life over like before you were married and just do what you want. Write, start a company. Great advice that I am going to take.

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    • Steve, Thank you for taking the time to share your story. I am terribly sorry all of this happened to you, but you seem to have the hope necessary to emerge from that place of being almost completely broken. I wish more people understood the dangers of people like this without having to actually expereince the destruction first-hand. And take that advice your doctor gave you and run with it!! I did and refused to believe I wasn’t worthy of real love, joy and happiness. These people want us to surrender to the darkside, as kooky as that sounds. They would love nothing better than to see everyone who they discard give up and self-destruct. Good luck to you, Steve! 🙂

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  15. […] such as Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath—these three very often used interchangeably in terms of the abuse such […]

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  16. Can a person afflicted as a Narcissistic Sociopath TRULY know they have NS? I mean without their victims (or would-be “Loved Ones”) telling them?

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    • M. Poppings, Great question. Why would a true socipath ever suspect anything was wrong with him/her? They only get an idea of what they are when and if someone DOES speakout against their actions and behavior, because sociopaths are incapable of self-reflection.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. My name is Darsella Biles and there were a group of individuals that abused me financially, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically with the abuse of the religious leaders, judicial, union officials, legislators, enforcement, the fbi, non profit organizations, my neighbors, unions, lawyers, and etc for greed, power, envy, position, and personal reasons in Michigan. I was prohibited from working and resources because some were veterans but, they allowed the criminals to get away with these things and the public is aware of the injustices and the crime this is a lot for someone in their forties to contend with. The criminal and the people that were living off me, are utilizing the cellular telephone companies to steal funds via the internet and the postal service to commit thes crimes, interesting! Crime and does not matter especially if you are a women, the mighty dollar is their !

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  18. Thank you. I am totally new to all this craziness and am completely shocked that this even exists. I think we all need to stick together because when I try to talk to friends or family they just think I’m crazy and making a big deal out of nothing. I’m sorry but If I would of stayed longer I may just have ended up dead. This abuse is real and it is serious.
    I’m still getting used to navigating around this blog and even my own blog over at word press. But I would love any sort of communication and support and to give love and support out to others as well. Peace love and comfort… Grace

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    • Grace, do not ever doubt yourself. Print some information off the net and give it to your best friends to read and explain that although he seems perfect on the outside, the relationship was abusive. This is exactly why it is so hard to get away. A sociopath makes you believe you are crazy and people will not believe you when you tell them something is wrong, because he is such a nice guy.
      Congratulations on getting away and i wish you all the strength you need. Hug!

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    • Wow , powerful knowledge ! I live wth one now and they try to make me feel lik the bad person when I stand up for myself and point out the twisting and projecting things they do . Time to get out and get therapy.

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  19. How did you survive? Sociopaths are so deceitful that it is almost virtually impossible to cut loose from them. They are hard to get rid of. Like roaches, you wish you could get rid of them but they manage to stay somehow in your life. How did you get rid of him? Were you able to divorce?

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    • Hello, Dove. I never married him or had his children. I lasted living in his home for 30 days at the end of our 3-year relationship. I have a large family who protected and supported me in the aftermath. I simply had no legal ties to him, which allowed for a relatively clean break. Pursuing me would have been too much work; this sociopath is lazy. He’d rather prey on vulnerable people in his own back yard than travel 20+ miles out of state to try destroying me. 🙂

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  20. Mix the extreme narcissism with a passive-aggressive personality type and you have the perfect storm waiting to happen.. In extreme cases these are capable of murder in order to hide their true identity from the World image they have created.. I was married to one of these types and the destruction they will attempt in order to safeguard themselves is to say the least, EXTREME.. Before becoming aware of the dangers the other is dealing with they will try murder.. However, not in a direct manner.. You know, the kind that will take you to the edge of a cliff and then see if you fall off all by yourself or with a little help of a push when nobody is watching.. Once the other person starts to get a glimpse of what is going on they will start to destroy a person’s reputation, start creating scenarios in order to criminalize the other and to put them in doubt, etc… The fact that I got away with my life makes me happy for my freedom…

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    • Thank you, anonymous. I am happy you are free.

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    • I did not get away. I had a child with her. I just finished serving a prison sentence. 6Yrs 10 months 13hrs 24 min.
      I don’t even know how to pick up the pieces. I’ve been abandoned by my family. Worse…I’m the bad guy to my sibling so I wear the black sheep title. I’m sinking because I paralyzed with depression. About to be homeless. Things don’t get better and that is not the usual. My mojo is gone. My self defection and therapy gave me ALOT of answers except…ok I’m not the psycho…I was00

      .

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    • Bruno, I am terribly sorry you are going through what you are going through. Are you currently on parole? Are you living in a community corrections facility or on your own? I’m asking because I worked in community corrections in Denver, Colorado and understand the additional stress you are dealing with on top of the relationship and family stress. It could make anyone lose their desire to be joyful.

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    • My wife tried to secretly drug overdose me last night which I think was a reaction to an agreement that her daughter & I posted on facebook concerning her Narcissism.
      I left the house ASAP.

      After reading this post, I wonder if she is also a sociopath, even though she claims she hasn’t been diagnosed such.

      Is there a way that I can get her medical records opened to me to discover how she has been diagnosed?

      How do I get the drink tested for what was in it?

      Its cheery in a dark way that there is a club of people out there who are experiencing life with an NS. I just came into this consciousness of what it means to be married to a NS

      Thx for all the great comments.

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    • Hipduane,

      Due to HIPAA regulations, you would not be able to access her medical records to review a diagnosis without her permission. The other route is to get a judge to order a psychological evaluation. However, sociopathy/psychopathy are not considered diagnosable conditions according to the DSM-V. Only cluster B personality disorders are categorized as conditions. But even such a diagnoses does little to help you unless a judge is willing to review the case history and conclude she is a danger to you and your children.

      As far as getting the drink tested, contact a private investigator. The police won’t invest in testing unless you file a report and she is officially charged. (I know…it’s frustrating, right?)

      I wish this club didn’t exist. I wish there were no need for this club. But those of us who have lived what we’ve lived need each other to validate what happened to us and what continues to happen to the children forced to be exposed to these types of people. I’m truly sorry you are living what you’re living, but now that you’re aware, you are armed with greater choices. 🙂

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  21. […] tidbit of information worth noting is that, according Doctor Martha Stout (as quoted here), true “sociopaths make up 4% of western society (Stout, 2010). That’s about 1 in 25 […]

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    • Hello everyone,
      I have been married for 4 months. I just found out that my ‘husband’ lied to me about having a job amongst other things for the last year—along with that lie—daily lies of where he was going, what he was doing, ect. He had been lying for the 9 months leading up to the wedding. We live in different states so it wasn’t obvious. His parents financially supported him and they knew that he did not have a job so that also concealed things. There are lies upon lies that I do not need to go into. Amongst all those lies were fantasy lies–promotions, raises, meetings with top people. We got married and he went back to his state so he could ‘work’ and so he couldn’t move with me. I have taken a job to start in a year in his state and so then is when we planned on moving in together. I don’t understand how someone could get married with all of these lies–no real conscience?. He says he was scared to tell me and wanted me to be proud and he wanted to feel special? He also said that the lies came so natural and a time came when he couldn’t tell the difference?

      I know what i need to do now, but wanted to hear everyone’s thoughts.

      Like

    • Kristy, I am very sorry that you are dealing with this. Ask yourself, “Would I lie to someone in order to get them to be proud of me?” Isn’t lying the absolute opposite thing a person with integrity would do? And don’t you deserve NOT to be lied to? I am disgusted at the lengths people will go to to insult us. I’m certain if you had known the absolute truth about this guy, you wouldn’t have dumped him. You may have been more cautious in your decisin to marry him, but I doubt you would have rejected him. I can’t make a determination of his state of mind or whether or not he is/isn’t disordered/pathological. There are plenty of non-sociopaths in this world who do stupid things for fear of rejection and abandonment. Only you know based on your direct experience and the depths of the lies how sick and unstable this person is. The next questions you need to ask yourself is, “Do I honor and trust myself enough to make the right choices to protect my health and happiness moving forward?” We want to be merciful and offer people second chances. However, we should put our safety and health first, plug into self-compassion and detach from that which our gut tells us is toxic and harmful. 🙂

      Like

    • Thank you Paula! Your words are so kind. I agree with you. He was blaming me as the reason all last week—like i wanted you to be proud ect.
      But this week when I ask him why he did it (lie for a year)–he says “i dunno”.
      He doesn’t seem very apologetic or really that he cares that much. His parents are delusional which make it much much worse because they enable and protect him (as expected i guess).
      Anyways, never in a million years did i ever think I would be in this insane situation. To make it worse–I have been with him for 9 years and have been good to him. I really thought I knew him and I thought we had a good relationship—not without imperfections but good.
      Thanks again for your kind words.

      Liked by 1 person

  22. Here’s my story.
    I’ve been married for 14 years to a man who initially I thought was so darn charming. As time went on I began to notice behaviors that were more unrealistic. Such as forcing sex on me, raping me, going to swinger clubs, sexual games, severe pornography addiction. I mean maybe three times a day. He wanted sex as often as he thought about it.

    I’m in shock as I’ve read through Paula’s blog & am very new to this. I’ve never in my life could pin point exactly why he never had an ability to display emotions towards ANYONE. It’s scary. Very unnerving to have been psychologically devastated and manipulated for so many years.
    From his fits and rages for no reason to his lack of ability to connect emotionally, spiritually with my children & I. I’m at a place where I felt as if I’ve died. There is nothing left inside my soul but emptiness & grief.
    His bullying, self indulgent behavior is sickening. Making me feel as if I’ve been such a bad person for so many years I finally began to believe that I was truly a pathetic person. As time went by I just breathed. I still just breathe but since reading this blog today I can finally feel some kind of relief in knowing that he really needs help.
    Given the fact that I now see myself as a co-dependent, it’s all too surreal. I’ve allowed this for so long and I feel as if I’m dead. I know it sounds foolish, but it’s the only description I can use to describe my life for so many years.
    He’s a very cunning manipulative individual. His ego and his lack of remorse and self centered behavior has hurt me and my children.
    I can write a book of his disorder & try to investigate the 5 w’s in his case. If I did this than I would suffer even moreso.
    Manipulative
    Huge ego of self and belief that he is a God
    Lies & lies
    Rages for no reason in mornings during day while he’s at work
    In front of everyone he’s a darn charmer!
    Sexual addiction
    Verbally abusive to me & children
    Has bought prob 12 new cars since marriage
    Likes to spend spend spend
    No self remorse or feeling of any kind
    Belief that his actions are justified
    Master at manipulation and demeaning me and his children
    The goes on. I need help! I’ve been living isolated from the world because I just had to
    Living with severe panic attacks and severe depression to point where I feel like I’m dying
    I did file for divorce a week ago but after reading this I truly understand how important it is to move far away from him to protect myself and my children
    Blessings to you Paula

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    Reply
    • Anonymous, I am very sorry that you have experienced what you’ve experienced. Please know that awakening to the reality, although painful, is a positive step toward a better life. I know it doesn’t feel like that today. I always recommend finding a professional counselor or therapist in which to confide and purge your emotions, feelings, frustrations, fears and anxieties. Someone who has experience with trauma in the aftermath of abusive (physical, sexual, financial, emotional and spirityual) relationships. There is no need to label yourself or to label your tormentor. Doing so will get in the way of your healing and recovery. Instead, start by accepting that it happened and there was nothing within your power at the time to stop it, change it or make it better. It happened. From acceptance, you can begin to come back into yourself…into your light…and find solutions and tools to help you rebuild your life. 🙂

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    • Paula,
      I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your blog. You’ve helped me in so many ways and I’ll be forever grateful to you for that. Although I don’t know you, I’m very happy to have read this.
      I’ve moved away from my ex and have begun the whole divorce process and started healing. My kids are really happy and at peace now. God brought me here and helped me to see the ugly I was dealing with. I was just so blind for years.
      It’s amazing how he works through people!!!
      Happily free from 12 years of craziness and I’m so full of joy I feel as if the sky’s the limit.
      So, Paula, God Bless!
      I will order some books that you have when I’m ready.
      Thanks again and may God Bless you and yours!
      Cynthia

      Like

  23. Here’s my story.
    I’ve been married for 14 years to a man who initially I thought was so darn charming. As time went on I began to notice behaviors that were more unrealistic. Such as forcing sex on me, raping me, going to swinger clubs, sexual games, severe pornography addiction. I mean maybe three times a day. He wanted sex as often as he thought about it.

    I’m in shock as I’ve read through Paula’s blog & am very new to this. I’ve never in my life could pin point exactly why he never had an ability to display emotions towards ANYONE. It’s scary. Very unnerving to have been psychologically devastated and manipulated for so many years.
    From his fits and rages for no reason to his lack of ability to connect emotionally, spiritually with my children & I. I’m at a place where I felt as if I’ve died. There is nothing left inside my soul but emptiness & grief.
    His bullying, self indulgent behavior is sickening. Making me feel as if I’ve been such a bad person for so many years I finally began to believe that I was truly a pathetic person. As time went by I just breathed. I still just breathe but since reading this blog today I can finally feel some kind of relief in knowing that he really needs help.
    Given the fact that I now see myself as a co-dependent, it’s all too surreal. I’ve allowed this for so long and I feel as if I’m dead. I know it sounds foolish, but it’s the only description I can use to describe my life for so many years.
    He’s a very cunning manipulative individual. His ego and his lack of remorse and self centered behavior has hurt me and my children.
    I can write a book of his disorder & try to investigate the 5 w’s in his case. If I did this than I would suffer even moreso.
    Manipulative
    Huge ego of self and belief that he is a God
    Lies & lies
    Rages for no reason in mornings during day while he’s at
    Sexual addiction
    Verbally abusive to me & children
    Has bought prob 12 new cars since marriage
    Likes to spend spend spend

    Like

    Reply
    • Omg. You have just described my story also. Only I managed to get out in 18 months. To add to the story, I have discovered that he has molested 2 of his daughters and the deaths of 2 of his sons seem very suspicious to me now. He always got a gleam in his eyes when he teased me about killing me. I am glad that have discovered these blogs because I now know , it wasnt me. I am not the crazy one. I Swear that he knew everything that I was lacking from my 30 or marriage because he got me hook line and sinker. Be strong. Know that you are an amazing woman. My heart and prayers go out to you and your children. Of course the story doesn’t end here and it does continue, but women are strong creatures. We will survive this by taking care of ourselves and refilling our souls with love compassion and beauty once again. At this moment I cannot even imagine loving another man , or letting one get close again. So my plan is to just work on me. I’ve decided to let God pick out the next man for me. Love and blessings to you my dear.

      Like

    • Thank you, Grace. I understand every emotion you’re going through and am sending you my blessings as well. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  24. I am slowly coming to grips with my narcissism and sociopathy. I am the epitome of many of these traits. It’s scary. My father, he’s been sober now for over twenty-two years and I’m so proud of him for that, taught me how to be a narcissist and sociopath through his issues with narcissism and sociopathy but he’s like Buddha now. I’m 41 years old. I’m in a long-term relationship with a great woman. We are expecting our first child, a girl. I still post narcissistic and sociopathic things on Facebook and Twitter but I’m slowly starting to recognize them. I cried for the first time in years during our meeting with my girlfriend’s OB/GYN and it was freeing. I’m far from perfect but I want you people to know that there’s hope for people dealing with narcissists and sociopaths. Call them out on their behaviors and tendencies. Again and again. Don’t give up on them. I wouldn’t be writing this if my girlfriend hasn’t been helping me. We’re not all bad people. I’m telling you that there are hearts and souls not too far from the surface for many of us. Just scratch deep enough and maybe you’ll help them to reveal those hearts and souls. It won’t work the first time. It may not work the twentieth time but show them posts like this one, or this one in particular, and we may begin to recognize the blackness that is narcissism and sociopathy. There is hope!

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