Sociopaths aren’t just the serial killers and rapists we see on the 6 o’clock news. They are our neighbors, co-workers, friends, family members, and sometimes our “soul mates.”
Sociopaths are the charmers and manipulators. They are the people who appear together and well-groomed at first glance, but hide many secrets and lies underneath their mask of sanity.
Sociopaths, in the early love-bombing stage of an intimate relationship, use many superlatives in order to woo and control their victims.
They say things to intoxicate you into compliance:
- “You are the love of my life.”
- “I have never known anyone like you.”
- “You are perfect for me.”
- “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
- “I never want to leave your side.”
- “You are the most beautiful person I have ever met.”
- “We are perfect for each other.”
- “You are exactly what I have been looking for my entire life.”
The following is taken from my book: Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath:
Do you know what it feels like to be locked up, placed in a dungeon of a partner’s creation? If so, you’re not alone. If not, pray you never do.
Abuse comes in many forms and affects many people in the victim’s life. Emotional, physical, and sexual abuses are equally degrading and harmful. One is not better than the other or worse than the other. They are ALL abuse.
This story is specifically about emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic sociopath.
According to Dr. Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door, sociopaths make up 4% of western society (Stout, 2010). That’s about 1 in 25 people walking around among us without a conscience, without the ability to measure, or care to measure, the morality of their decisions and actions. Would you know how to identify a sociopath if you saw one, met one, started an intimate relationship or entered into a business contract with one? More than likely, your answer is No, because unlike what we read on the television news or see in Hollywood movies, sociopaths aren’t just serial killers and murderers. Rather, they are members of our communities who we would never suspect of evil or wrong doing and who seamlessly blend into society with the rest of us. How? Through lies, manipulations, and more lies.
In romance, narcissistic sociopaths often appear too good to be true. They are charming, agreeable, and engaging. The narcissistic sociopath loves (or seems to love) everything about you. He hooks you. Then he breaks you. His emotional abuse is VERY subtle. The victim may not know she is being victimized until it is nearly too late.
Identifying narcissistic sociopaths
Although not all narcissists are sociopaths, all sociopaths are narcissists (Stout 2010). Therefore, if you can identify a narcissist, you’re one step closer to being able to recognize a sociopath. Below is a definition of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and a list of narcissistic traits taken directly from the website of Dr. Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self-Love. (If you know someone who fits at least 5 or more of these traits, a psychiatrist could easily diagnose him/her as having NPD.)
The DSM-IV-TR defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as “an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts,” such as family life and work.
1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);
2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;
3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);
4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);
5. Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;
6. Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;
7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;
8. Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;
9. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy (http://samvak.tripod.com).
Once it’s clear you’re dealing with a narcissist, go through the following list to see if the narcissist is also a sociopath. (You’ll discover many overlapping traits from each list.) The list below of 20 sociopathic traits is taken directly from the book Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us by Dr. Robert D. Hare, Ph.D:
1. Glib and superficial charm. The tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Sociopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A sociopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.
2. Grandiose self-worth. A grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Sociopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.
3. Need for stimulation or proneness to boredom. An excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Sociopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.
4. Pathological lying. Can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.
5. Conning and manipulative. The use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.
6. Lack of remorse or guilt. A lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.
7. Shallow affect. Emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.
8. Callousness and lack of empathy. A lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.
9. Parasitic lifestyle. An intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.
10. Poor behavioral controls. Expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.
11. Promiscuous sexual behavior. A variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.
12. Early behavior problems. A variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.
13. Lack of realistic, long-term goals. An inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.
14. Impulsivity. The occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.
15. Irresponsibility. Repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.
16. Failure to accept responsibility for own actions. A failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.
17. Many short-term marital relationships. A lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.
18. Juvenile delinquency. Behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.
19. Revocation of condition release. A revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.
20. Criminal versatility. A diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes. (Hare 2011).
In addition to the above two lists of traits, the biggest trait (or magic trick as I like to call it) that makes narcissistic sociopaths so dangerous and effective is their ability to go unnoticed by the rest of us. They can do this, because they are good at pretending (lying) and wearing many masks (again, lying). Simply put, they lie to themselves and everyone else. They lie so much that some of them are convinced of their own lies, which is where evil is born.
I am no psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor. However, I have lived alongside a narcissistic sociopath and feel the need to share, even if in a tale-like fiction setting, how I understand the psychopathology that insidiously penetrated my body, mind, and spirit until I was nearly convinced that I was the evil one. How? Projection, transference, and control, that’s how.
I hope you enjoy this story and pass it along to your family, friends, others you love, and anyone you suspect is or has been a victim.
Paula Carrasquillo ~ July 2012
Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath
Paula Carrasquillo, M.A. lives and works in the Washington, D.C. area. She holds a master’s degree in Communication and Adult Education and a bachelor’s degree in English. Paula is currently enrolled in a 200-hour yoga teacher training program and hopes to be certified in July 2014. Her next book, “Embracing Your Light: Minful Healing and Recovery from Sociopath Abuse” is set to be published in late 2014.
[…] Narcissist Sociopath information…. https://paularenee.wordpress.com/live-love-laugh/identifying-a-narcissistic-sociopath/ […]
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[…] Identifying the Narcissistic Sociopath–After reading this on Paula’s Pontifications, sociopathy becomes a distinct possibility not just for one, but for both my blog stalkers. It is, of course, hard to be absolutely sure, but as the above blogger advises, better to behave as if they are. It’s safer. […]
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For years I’ve been describing myself as a narcissistic sociopath to my friends. They never seem to believe me. While I can feel, or at least what I call feeling, it’s not automatic or passive. I logic my emotions into being. I don’t think, “Oh, that’s a cute puppy” and feel happy at thinking it. I see the puppy and think, “That’s a puppy, a young dog. They would probably like this thing.” and throw out a smile for everyone to see, then make some sarcastic remark about being a cat person and steer the attention back to myself and my conversation. Empathy is something that takes effort for me, and must be “turned off/on” like a switch. That last bit is particularly useful.
I’ve never been violent, not that I’m against it. I’ve used the threat of violence to get my way several times, but physically at least I’ve never intentionally hurt someone. I have no problems with the thought of killing someone if it served my needs, but I’m fairly lazy and there are usually easier ways to get a job done. I’ve never really had my back up against a wall in that way.
I tend to surround myself with people that are lesser than me, my friends included. People smarter or more talented than myself, as rare as they are, are usually objects of observation. Best kept at a distance, to be studied and analyzed. Almost like they have some secret for me to become even greater than I am now. I don’t resent them, unless they flaunt their particular talent in front of me. At its worst, the paranoia that they are intentionally trying to sabotage me may set in. I usually recognize this as paranoia and dismiss it, but I have confronted people over stupid things before.
As far as holding a job, I’ve worked at the same place for two years now. This is a huge milestone as I usually keep a job for a few months at most. My co-workers all admire me, and my manager is afraid of me. I do the jobs no one wants to do, and they love me for it. Is it beneath me to do work like that? Of course, but it’s a gas station. It’s only natural for the entire job to be beneath me. I do it anyways, for survival.
Regarding crime and sexual behavior, I’m a clean slate. I’ve had few sexual partners, and never at the same time. What can I really say? Dating is pricey and porn is free. As far as crime, people being suspicious of me doing something would really hamper my ability to “blend in” with the rest of you normal folk. My choices are guided by risk and reward, not by some moral code. Being notorious and the center of attention sounds nice, but eventually the bars will close on that cell door. Everyone gets caught, I’d be a fool to think otherwise. I’d much rather keep the adoration I already have, and garner more little by little. I’m very patient.
When it comes to relationships, I am incredibly territorial. I can be jealous, and I made sure all my previous partners knew this. One of which was even an exhibitionist and tried to use that fact against me. She was fun. What I call love is probably more like a business transaction. You bring something to the table and so do I, if this works out well for us both the relationship continues. I don’t get emotionally attached, but I can get accustomed to the support a significant other provides. I have never been abusive, but when a relationship ends I can become enraged. How dare anyone say I’m not good enough? Naturally, it’s never my fault.
I am a self-serving, manipulative person. I’m not perfect, no matter how hard I try to be. Honestly, if I was I think I’d be pretty boring.
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I have been a away a while, been a busy person, i saw in here a question for me, by a Nick, he asked basically what i feel and how i feel it, what i fake and what i dont (he may not read anymore but i will answer anyway).
Well first off i cannot drink in general due to a surgery when i was a baby, a few beers but i never go far enough to get drunk enough to have a hangover, a few beers is sometimes required to meet up with some people.
I feel pain just like everyone, i choose not to get high for the same reason i dont drink, doesnt mean i havnt done that in my life time, but again learned it didnt serve my needs, I get sick, not so sure its like everyone else, if im with someone i will make seem much worse than it is, or when im around people I will again do the same, but alone i will keep it in the back of my head until i need to bring it out, but of course a cold or flu hits me like everyone else, but in general i think that the lack of feeling or lack of care about it might make me feel less of it than others, however i can not confirm or deny that, i use sickness as a ticket to sympathy, which of course would be a form of control.
For those here that may not have read my posts, im not here to make fun of anyone, like you im here to learn and share, i do know what i do, and i do it anyway.
Me and Paula have discussed a couple times, i believe ive made it fairly clear im not here for any ill intent.
Ive read a number of the recent posts here as you are more likely to still be reading, One thing that seems to be forgotten is the lack of emotion the true soc-narcs have, i dont get an adrenaline rush from controlling and deceiving others, its more like giving a dog a bone, I will do what it takes to get another bone, and if I continue to get them I will keep doing it, when it stops, I will step up to the next level until I get that bone again, so its more like following a trail of break crumbs to keep the control and deceiving going.
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I can identify with so much of this but not with my husband. I have said for years that my 37 year old son is a NS. Our life was a living hell while he was at home. I remember saying when he was 8 years old “if this is what he is like at 8 what will he be like at 16?” We had him tested for everything imaginable and basically were told we were bad parents and it was our fault. He is now divorced and has two kids that we love very much. But of course he has convinced them that we don’t love them because we don’t see them enough. We try very hard to see them but he doesn’t allow us to. Sadly, they believe him. I only hope that in time they will see the truth and come back into our lives. But as long as they are under his influence they won’t.
He doesn’t like me (Mom) because I am the only one in his life that has ever called him on his behavior, everyone else has enabled him so of course he thinks I am the one with the problem since no one else complains. It has caused a rift in my family because my parents and sister continue to enable him at 37 years old!
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Hi there,
I just stumbled across this blog while doing a google search for the definition of sociopath.
Iam new to finally seeing it for what it is, i suspected it for so long and finally decided to do some research and bingo! I was right! And no it is not me imagining things. Holy cow.
I went through the nightmarish hell of living with my husband and ADD son in my sociopath mother-in-laws house for 13 years. I am just now realizing that i think my husband is also suffering from some patterns as well, although he is not half as bad as his mom. I have confronted them on several occasions only to be told, it is me of course, who is the trouble maker. It is a long story and it is a late hour of the night for me right now, so i wont be writing too much.
I am still in this marriage and still living in this house with them but i have managed to draw boundaries and cut them out as much as i possibly can. I am in the process of starting a home business and will be able to leave within 2-4 years for financial reasons.
What i really want to say is that as intensely horrible as the experience was for me (i suffered a nervous breakdown and had a near death experience -that was the lowest point for me) I am now much stronger, braver, wiser and confident than i swear i have ever been before in my life. I am coming out of this a completely new and better person. It was a horror yet extremely transformative for me.
Intense meditation daily is what saved me and healed me. Im pretty sure i would probably be in a straight jacket right now, if it hadn’t been for that.
I find myself occasionally questioning if i should seek therapy because i do have what i *think* might be slight PTSD moments….but they are not that often, maybe 3 or 4 times a month and not that severe. I do manage to catch myself going into one after a few seconds and manage to stop them. Does that require therapy you think? It’s hard to tell, i am not a therapist but I want to make sure i am 100% ok.
I am an empath which i do not see mentioned here so i am not sure if anyone is aware of this, but i remember reading somewhere a few months ago that empaths were targets for sociopaths? Because we are the complete opposite of them so they prey on us. Not sure how true this actually is but now it is making me feel weary of trusting people. I know i am better off for recognizing the problem but still have this slight fear of omg what if this happens again.
I do feel strong but i don’t know i guess i just want to make sure i am 100% ok, Maybe i should talk to someone just to make sure. What is your take on this? Do you think therapy is necessary?
Please, i would love some advice and would appreciate your perspective. Thanks.
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Jenny,
Thank you so much for sharing your story and infusing this comment section with hope. Seeking a therapist is a very personal choice and one you must make for yourself. The very fact you are contemplating it suggests your gut is telling you that what you’re doing to counter the effects of your experience is not enough. You may need more than just meditation.
For me, I felt like my therapy sessions were highly inadequate and ineffective. The medication was counterproductive to healing and took away my ability to feel anything!
Luckily, I stumbled onto yoga. From there, I found the strength to write. I changed my diet. I meditated. I communicated with others going through similar struggles. I created a personalized prescription of integrative and holistic approaches to healing and recovery. I no longer rely on medication or traditional therapy.
But therapy is a highly personal decision. In my newsletters, I share a lot of holistic and integrative techniques and lifestyle options recommended for healing and living a more open and loving life moving forward.
Empaths, introverts and highly sensitive folks have a tough time sifting through the fog without getting distracted by the new emotions, sensations and pain that emerge naturally as we move through all of the stages of grief and recovery. Having a therapist, coach, mentor or willing friend to listen and keep us focused on the light is ideal and recommended. We simply can’t expect ourselves to do it alone. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength.
~Paula
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In my experience empaths are very much targets & we tend to take a lot longer to heal… A support group is very important, it’s helps normalize the extreme abuse we’ve been subjected to… You’re on the right path: just have people around supporting you who don’t minimise what ever you need to heal
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Be wary of people who manipulate conversations to get you to say and do things you feel uncomfortable about. They could be using NLP, or neuro-linguistic-programming on you (look it up). Lovebombing is how most victims get sucked in: they are tired of the “games” people play with each other in communication and are flattered by a narcissist’s confidence and constant attention @vixentalent. You may be fooled into thinking that this means a narcissist is truly interested in you, when in fact, he or she is grooming you for abuse (for money, sex, sadistic pleasure in your pain) – anything they can get from you! Trust me and RUN.
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just dated a guy for six weeks who turned out to be a sociopath. I had an creepy crawling feeling from day 1 but looked past my worries and THAT STARE and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Smart, charming, good looking, great job, well-off, somewhat introverted, well read, and very into me… what more could you want right? ha. wrong.
Luckily, I ended things at six weeks although he still managed to hurt me, use me, catch me totally off guard, and make me extremely angry…
One red flag was the questions…sometimes via text and late at night before bed, out of nowhere. Asking about me missing my deceased mom on mother’s day. Asking if I felt fulfilled in life and/or what would make me feel fulfilled.
I thought maybe he was highly intuitive and a deep thinker. NOPE.
They really love to push any buttons they can get away with and pry as deep as possible. DON’T LET THEM. and YES. RUN. They are actual monsters.
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This is happening to me to the max i need to save myself before it gets to late and i end up in a place i dont need to b in the person responsible for this mess should own up and b solid like he/she says what do i do ?!??
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The person who is destroying everything will never be responsible. The first thing you must do is realize that and let go of the idea that you’ll receive any type of immediate justice. It doesn’t happen that way. Instead, prepare to leave. Prepare for heartache and the excruciating process of severing the fraudulent love bond you thought you had formed with this person. I’m very sorry. But you are strong enough to do this.
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Wow! So much hurt and pain! I have been living with a Narc for 22 years. I knew things were bad 20 years ago when she would get into these raging fits over how to not fold a towel. But I was a frog in warm water wanting things to work out. She had been so charming our first 2 years I wanted to believe this was just a blip in the road. It has been my road for 20 years and now she has replaced me and quickly moving on to another victim. From reading this blog I know that I should be grateful, so grateful. It’s letting go of what I thought could have been that’s hard. I am told that time and God heals all things. Full of hope I move forward.
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Time, God and the belief that you’re worth the joy and happiness your pain and suffering is keeping you from living helps us heal. 🙂
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I left a relationship of twenty years and only just came to realize I had been living with a sociopath all this time. I’m now trying to divorce her and get out with my two lovely daughters. I have to keep one step ahead of her desire to destroy me and win her evil game. I know that once I have my children living with me, then all of her pawns in her sick chess game are gone and she will move on to her next victim. May that day come very soon.
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wow, i have dealt with a female sociopath, i didn’t open my eyes until the very end. I could feel something was different something was wrong but ones i found out about her past it was a shock and heart breaking experience…hit me hard and its hard to recover.
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I assure you it is possible for someone who has NS as someone calls it to know they have it and to be willing to share, why would i want to admit to being one of these bad people as you call us, well i guess you could say i have recently become amused by how someone like me is viewed and how others “attempt” to understand us. for many years i did things without even noticing, finally i realized the little voice in my head was “supposed” to be a conscience, however it tells me that when ive done something wrong, why stop?
For years i did it without my knowing, didnt really understand it until i stopped and thought about it, it took something very cold hearted (no ive never physically harmed anyone) for me to think “i should have felt something there” thats when i realized that i didnt feel anything, i know that im supposed to feel things, society tells me i should feel bad… or good, or what ever, but i never did..
Also its not true that we we cant look at our selves, we do, we do all the time, we just dont care, we dont have that little reflex that says, stop! So I know what i just did, but if you dont feel bad about it, why would you stop doing it?
emotions stops almost everyone here from doing things, what stops me is being bored, or the potential that it will ruin my later plans.
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It’s not emotions that stop people; it’s their conscience. And looking at yourself involves going beyond the surface of your actions. It goes beyond accepting or rejecting them. Thanks for continuing to reinforce what many of us already understand about people without conscience. Of course you’re going to tell us we’re wrong about what we think you think because we actually think deeper about what you do than you do. Makes total, logical sense that you protest so much.
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Oh no im not going to tell you that you are wrong about what you think about us, your absolutely right, you dont understand some aspects of it, but for the most part you get my “disorder” correct. all i want to see is if someone can understand this 1 concept, or rather.. is it possible for a normal person to understand 1 thing, can you think of simple emotions and not tie memories or “feelings” to them? when were you, happy, sad, angry, joyful, frustrated. see i can read each one of those words and each of them mean the same exact thing, they are an idea, i know how i should act tward them, but to act them on my own accord is pretty much impossible, im wondering if the flip side of that is true.
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You mean can a person who has a conscience, the ability to feel and be empathic also experience the lack of feelings? Can we experience being numb, essentially? Yes. Of course, we can. It’s the state we MUST move through in order to fully recover from being exposed to people without conscience who are numb themselves. The only way to respond to being treated as non-humans is to, in turn, associate our experiences being treating as objects as if we never experienced those experiences as humans in the first place. When I think about my relationship with the man without conscience, I no longer feel angry, happy, sad or wanting. I recognize my self in the memories as an object, a sleeping zombie, and I feel nothing. And it feels great, ironically. Do you understand? Is that direct enough for you? Unsullied by emotions? Flat enough of an explanation for you to comprehend?
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Paula im not here to pick a fight, or make anyone mad, which i know it feels like what im trying to do, and believe it or not your post at least does contain hints of emotion, maybe none of the described ones, but that of remorse, again you are attaching a memory even if not that of the ones i mentioned, you are attaching one of pain, because someone like me hurt you, so while yes you may be able to block the rest, the overall one, you cannot no matter how much you want, believe it or not, and you wont, im not here to pick on anyone, I like you wish to learn about my self, you wish to learn about your self and help others, and you do seemingly well at it, i simply wish to learn for selfish purposes, but i still desire education, and that is why i asked the question i did.
dont misunderstand me, i too can learn, and thats all im trying to do, i want to understand something that i cant feel on my own, as you wish to understand why i am the way i am.
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Jess, any emotions you claim you you sense from my writing is coming from my present emotions as I attempt to explain emotions to you, someone who will repeatedly get it wrong regardless of how well I articulate what I’m feeling or not feeling. You attach a surface analysis to everything. That works in business and early stages of relationships, but serves no one except yourself, who moves on to the next person or job because you’ve become bored, as you claim, with the surface. In addition, If you think the emotion I attach to my past is that of being hurt, you’re just as obtuse as the next person without conscience that I’ve run across. It’s not about being hurt. In order for you to understand what it’s really about, you’d need to access your empathy and your remorse. You have neither, so continuing to express myself by tapping into the depths of my core is a vain exercise on my part. You won’t get it, so why waste my time?
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I dont feel good or bad about my past, in fact i dont feel anything at all, so when you say you look back as a sleeping zombie and it feels good, thats where we differ, i look back and i honestly feel nothing, i can think of any situation and i cant link a single emotion to it, i know how the society “normal” would feel about it and how im “expected” to feel about it, but i dont feel that emotion no matter how much id pretend i did if you and i were to meet person to person, but my honest emotion is more like that of a ekg flatline. do you need to fake your zero emotions? like i fake having emotions, or can you honestly seperate them? thats the concept im trying to understand
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I don’t fake anything. But you’re faking your interest in “understanding”.
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Im asking in my opinion a simple question, as far as i know ive done nothing to hone such disdain, as i stated i want to understand the concept of if normal people can turn off their emotions, im just wishing to be educated in the concept, as i said for selfish purposes, i too can be educated, i cant be taught the emotion, but i can learn the concept, when you “shut off” your emotion, does it easily come back on, like if someone told a funny joke do you laugh because it was funny, or are you doing what i do and laugh because its expected?
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Hi
Jess, I think you give a very interesting point.
I think we all like to understand what you do enjoy and what you fake:
e.g. food / sex / travelling / dancing / jokes / reading / comedies / being admired / drunk./ high on drugs / being in company of others ?
Also would you prefer to be like everyone else .e.g. with more empathy?
I am also very interested how you feel your own bodily stress:
before the age of 30 you ever felt really ill from hangovers/ or if you caught little sleep or if a flu makes you feel as ill as the rest of us? if you in fact do feel your body when it feels tired as much as the rest of us or do u actually think others are all much more sensitive to hangovers/ feeling of general tiredness than you?
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Interesting questions related to bodily stresses, Nick. I’m curious about the answers he’ll provide.
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awesome I’m just like you I think the most important thing is to make sure that you get out there and tell your story to everybody first so that even before they meet them they already are on my side this is work well for me for many many relationships the one I’m in right now I’ve been in for about 7 yearsand he’s a fool he lives by his heart and he keeps coming back no matter how cruel and mean I am to I made it thanks to my family about him so that he can’t come to my family events and can’t come to any Christmas or anything nowI think I pretty much created the world so he doesn’t even have a single friend who has one friend but he doesn’t talk to him because he’s so depressedhaha that’s a joke every time he starts crying I just yell and call me tell him he’s not a man and he’s in he’s not really a human being even reallyso I hope that how tall is psycho pass out there actually nurse narcissistic is the most important part of itbecause I believe my own lies so what’s really li
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I used to be married to a narcissist sociopath! We had a 10 year marriage, got divorced just about 11 years ago now. He seemed normal for the most part during out marriage, then I started noticing his changing attitude. The more money he made (he did his own online business) the more arrogant he became and would start to put me down in snide comments that he works a real job while I stay at home with our children. Ugg.. I noticed he started “purchasing” peoples affection and I asked why does he feel that he needs to do that and his reply was if I would do the same thing then maybe more people would like me too.
Got the divorce, a year or so after our divorce he started a ponzie scheme online and manipulated thousands of innocent people to “invest” in his scam, which he made millions off. The SEC stepped in and nailed him then took him to civil court which he didn’t show up for and claimed he didn’t know what date it was supposed to held as his lawyer was “in a coma” so he didn’t show up. Nailed him for 4 million in fines. Then came the Secret Service who investigate money crimes on the internet and took him to criminal court where he again was nailed and sentence for 5 years in federal prison (where he is today) and fined an additional 4.5 million in retribution to his victims.
He has convinced our daughters that he is innocent… B.S. he knows what he did and much more. my oldest daughter is so conned by him that she seriously thinks that I had something to do with him going to prison and that I am to blame. My younger one follows right along, Uphill battle with them at this time but I know hopefully with age they will come around and see the truth.
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I’m so sorry about your children, Karen. But you’re absolutely right about then eventually learning and figuring out the truth about their father. I’m glad he’s been held accountable and where he deserves to be.
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Paula, I’m so thankful I ran across this article! I’m just getting out of a 7 year marriage with a sociopath.of course until recently I had no idea he was a narcissistic sociopath. I always thought it was his drug addiction (which he hid so well in the beginning). After counseling for both of us, then some of the craziest stuff I’ve ever experienced , which has resulted in an order of protection, my counselor informed me that my husband suffers from a combination of personality disorders. He has done a number on me. I wake up anxious because he is immediately on my mind. My head says one thing, but my heart says another. My counselor says I’m still emotionally attached. He attached himself to my dreams, goals, favorite places, family, etc. so now if I think of or see any of that, I’m reminded of him. I moved two hours away from my hometown of 42 years, to get away from the memories and from him (I was afraid of his instability). The hardest thing is letting go of something I thought was real. I saw on the list that short term marital relationships are one of their characteristics. At first I thought “well I can’t believe he stuck around for 7 years”, but then I reminded myself that he needed me to financially support him. I’m so lost and in so much pain. My heart not only aches for me but for our grandchild who was so, so close to him. Sorry for the long post, but truthfully, after being with this crazy man for 7 years, it could’ve been so much longer.
Kimberly
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I am very sorry, Kimberly. Your therapist is correct. You are still attached. We become deeply attached through the love bond and the betrayal bond, ironically. We spend so much time focused on the dream and fantasy they create, that even after they are physically out of our environment (out of sight), they remain on our minds. But there is hope. Lots of hope. Finally realizing the trick your mind has played on you in tandem with his tricks, you can begin to unravel the chaos and move through the fog. It takes time. Be patient with yourself. Practice meditation or do something you love to do that brings you joy and calm. Many like to hike or walk or sing or paint. These solo activities bring us closer to the parts of us we lost and allowed to get intermingled with the sociopath/narcissist. Our identities were lost. Re-capture who you are outside of any person, place or thing and you’ll release yourself of the anxiety and create new dreams, goals and favorite places.
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My story is similar to yours except I am still married, 14 years together, 6 years married. He did 5 years for securities fraud and has 1 million to pay back in restitution and this happened before we met back in the 90’s. Our kids are still too young to know about his past. We are supposed to be splitting up this summer but I am so nervous. He has just been diagnosed with bipolar 2 and put on seroquel which makes his anger worse.
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I read your article with great interest, however I would like to ask why the sexist use of “him” and “his” in the article, when women can be narcissistic sociopaths too?
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Thanks for asking, Anonymous. I wrote this from my perspective in the early stages of my healing almost three years ago. My abuser is a male, hence the gender-specific writing. My intent was not to insinuate that only men are sociopaths. My only intent at the time of writing this particular piece was to purge myself through the therapeutic power of writing what surfaced inside of me.
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All I can say is…be brave take a deep breath. Read everything you can asap. It will all make sense then and hopefully give you the power to get out. They fill you with love and hopes and dreams, and everything they want you to hear so you let your guard down. Before you know it, you will be empty of who you are. They will pull away leaving you trying to gain their attention by doing anything and everything you can think of. If I could odcslit my wrists without dying, just for his attention, I would have. And when you can’t think if anything else, you will feel hopeless and desperate. Its sad. Very sad. I’m still having a hard time comprehending how they are void of human feelings. That part of the brain just doesn’t work.
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[…] such as Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath—these three very often used interchangeably in terms of the abuse such […]
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[…] https://paularenee.wordpress.com/live-love-laugh/identifying-a-narcissistic-sociopath/ […]
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I seen alllmost all of these traits in myself and my biyfriends. Its depressing i dont like being this way….and i dont like him being this way neither but i love him
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WARNING TO MEN OR WOMAN: 1. If you are entering into a relation make sure your mate has friends. If they don’t find out why that maybe a bad sign. Mine didn’t. 2. (Young People) when you move in together make sure the other half talks with their parents and get the ok. After all it is their child and they love them unconditionally. My wife told me she spoke with her parents jumping in the car and they were ok. A few days later I found she just left them and I took the fall never telling her father she was to get the ok. A year or so later we got along great after we were married. BUT I was thinking my god she did the same thing to her mother and father in a way with no care for their feelings and THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG. A person, who does not respect their parents, if their parents are nice normal parents, could mean that person has some serious problems that might not be able to be seen on the surface. I suspect now I was a Trophy boy friend because I was very physical, had a neat VW and she went to an all girls’ school where I would pick her up so she could make the other girls jealous. I see that now. After she left me, most likely telling her parents a lie, both passed away within 1-½ years. Very sad, they were parents to me also. Of course I was not invited to the funeral of her mother. About 6 months after she left I didn’t even know she had moved in with this killer but I went to her fathers funeral and walked in the church. Standing with my ex wife and my children was this man a complete stranger. I felt like I was in a bad nightmare where someone takes over your family and no one knows you or cares. Even my children. The only person who helped me get through that was my son. I really miss him.
I had 2 Narcissists in my life (one turned Psychopath) read on and find how destruction works.
Guys are married to the same HELL also. I was married for 30 years. We had a marriage (married at 23 – 1973) that never had one yell or icky for 12 years. 13 years after our 2nd child (I am suspecting if they are even mine now it took all of a week to get pregnant both times) was born my wife clamed up and for 12 years. She became more distant. She had affairs for at least 13 years because a doctor told me in 1990. She told me he didn’t know anything and Bla Bla. I fell for it and put my head in the sand. I have had a life long medical issue that crashes my jobs sometimes and I have to work hard at getting new work or starting a business. My wife used people including me I know now. The most danger you can face is a person who is sick like this but is quiet, uses projection like artwork, talks like and angel had worked with delayed children as an EA (boy I was proud of her just didn’t know she hated doing it). The day that quit was when we saw the neighbor woman in their hot tub at noon with the kindergarten teacher next door while her husband was working. The woman started an EA job at the same school 2 yeas before. A few days later my wife came home (I think she was thinking about exposure) and started freaking out. I hate my job, I hate working with Barb, I hate the kids etc. I was floored. I want to work in retail. My wife always could do what ever she wanted I never told her what to do and was supportive. I did not like the hours and she agreed that if it messed or marriage up any more she would quit. RIGHT? What a dummy I was. She was in the middle of a mall having all kinds of men hitting on her. That is what she wanted. She was transferred to another store and there she started picking up men at work. My so told me she was terminated for this action but she still pretended she was still going to work which I now know she was going to her new boy friends place. She then crossed the line rolling into a psychopath with the intent to kill me to be with another because they want it on their terms, no divorce that might expose them, easy transition and snow the family members into what ever they want them to think about you. They can kill you and project you as crazy.
In 2004 I was having trouble with my work because I was sick and my son had cancer. At the end of 2004 I was terminated due to downsizing. A few years ago I found the bank statements and my wife spent $14,000 the month after I was laid off. Multi $300 checks were written I think she was banking to move in with the other killer man. My wife had been seen several guys now working in retail. I suspected and should have known. Clothes in the closet were bare and from 2001 to 2005 she worked retail and I hardly saw her. She finely left my life the beginning of 2005 but not after dragging my daughter into her web and spent $10 K to $14K a month. I had no money left.
My wife and I came back from the store and I must have had something to drink or eat. I WAS POISONED!! ONE MINUTE I WAS STANDTING AND THEN ON THE FLOOR GOING INTO SHOCK. My body was tingling and it felt like I lost my guts and was in a fetal position. I called for my wife and when she came I asked her to call an ambulance, which I never had done before. I was going fast. She just stood there. I looked in her eyes and I could see she wanted me to die right then and there. I pleaded to her as on pleads to call. She just stood there with that look almost waiting and taking pleasure in my pain and watching me die. WELL I saw that I was going to die and poison and her never crossed my mind I thought it was e-coil or food related. Still she wanted me to die. I mustered every last piece of life in me to keep from going into shock where I would have most certainly died. No one would have known. I had to go back to the hospital twice. I could not even sip water. It felt like I drank battery acid and my system was inflamed the same way. The emergency room ran a lot of tests for food poisoning but never ran a toxic report. They passed it off as my illness that was not they just didn’t know and didn’t run the right tests.
To make matters worse I have another very evil Narcissist in my family, my older sister who was executor for my mother’s estate. She fraudulently put my home in my mothers will she had made while my mother had suffered severe brain damage and could not remember purchasing my home together in her name with $25K down of my funds. (Because I had a spec house that hadn’t sold) I was to later assume the underlying when she fell ill. MY SISTER jealous of me took my home and scattered my family out for money not family. She divorced my mother for my father on her gravestone. The crazy thing is she is rich, took her brothers home and all his assets, to make it look good gave everyone related part of my house and savings and you might ask why. Because my sister is a jealous type of narcissist She hated my father who was most generous to everyone and never excluded anyone in his life or business. My sister is mental because she puts her self up as the family patriarch and took all my mothers best things as entitlement and lost her $1.2mil estate over 8 years so she came after my home to destroy my family out of jealously and hate for my father who I remind her of. She is sick but had control, money and attorneys so my suits to get it back I had to abandon. NOW she is one like was explained in other posts that thinks she is normal. When do you destroy another family member just trying to start a family with out any feeling of moral conscious? WOW she has problems but I was the screwed up one in everyone eyes. My mistake was I didn’t sign an agreement with my mother before she fell ill for the home for assuming the loan. We bought and sold real estate and just did it on a verbal basis. My sister knew that she did it of hate and jealousy and because she is most defiantly a narcissist. Her own son won’t talk with her she insults his wife in such a horrible manor and this at Christmas, I just wanted to leave. This was before she took my home. I am still fighting from being homeless between both of what these people did.
To top everything off my daughter has 3 children, which I have not seen. See continues to hurt me and I think the grandchildren for never seeing their grandfather. I would like to give them toys and see them. I feel she has inherited some of my wives issues. I hope not all though she did get pregnant (2nd time 1st abort I didn’t know, wasn’t told) and sucked a studying fireman (went to school with) into marrying her and had 2 more children right after not planed. She seems not to care about anyone only in a superficial way. A BRICK ON THE FIRE on top of everything I lost my son to cancer Oct 2014. The only one who know almost who my wife was but she was still his mother. He didn’t see her much until he fell ill and then I hardly saw him because I didn’t have a home for him to come to thanks to my sister! We went out to rock concerts and did a lot of stuff together. I have no family now after coming from a large one.
The poison? Almost 2 years went by and I told a woman about the incident. Like I said poison never crossed my mind. She was a hard tough girl in re-hab and probably knows bad women better than anyone. She looked at me like I didn’t see the train coming for me and said Man your wife was most likely a Black Widow. Then it clicked. The guy she was with was a military marine garbage specialist now working for the local county they live in. He knew everything about what medical examiners and hospitals look for. He gave here the perfect poison I suspect but I guess I just missed that fatal drop. I went to the hospital and looked at the records and they passed it off as my chronic illness I have had all my life and they did not do toxicology a study I think because my wife brought me (what an angel) in and I thought is was food born. Rule everything else out only leaves one thing, POISON.
RULE’s:
1. If you spouse is quiet but leads others to think bad things about you and does not correct them than she or he is setting you up.
2. If your spouse degrades another man who she has almost dally contact with then she or he is most likely you know.
3. If a qualified emergency room doctor or any trusted doctor tells you in theses words which is a direct quote of what he told me but I didn’t hear, “I sorry to tell you this but your wife is a tramp, she has an STD and to have gotten this particular kind she had to been sleeping with several men”. BOY you would think that would wake me up?
4. If your spouse becomes abusive telling you are going to be alone and no one is ever going to like you etc on and on. That happened 1n 1995 10 years before and I should have had the courage to divorce her then but left the decision up to her which I should have not.
5. Your spouse does not want to do things with you used to do, hicks, boating, sport car ride, even going out. They won’t go with over to see life ling friends you have had forever to visit and we were with before we were married. The steel and get rid of things personal like clothing they hate without you knowing.
6. They do not care about your feelings at all. If they beat on you emotionally and you are breaking down into a nervous breakdown and they just keep going.
7. Starting is Jr high they brainwash your children into teaching them you are not worthy to be their mother or father. THIS IS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING EVER!!
8. In an argument they use a child as a tool. My son had an anger management problem my wife never addressed. She used him against me. Or new house had holes in every door and walls. She drags him into the mess and he had threatened me with a baseball bat. All I was saying was leave me alone. Quit. Cut it out. Time out. Give up. Over. But she was relentless. I finely called the police because I didn’t want her to hear my son by using him on me or me. Of course I was to blame for all that and she went to live with her sister and then moved in with the Marine killer guy. Strange she used to be a non-war no violence such as myself.
9. Sexual clues can be the same time, if any, same place, bed and abusive verbal comments. In my case, “what’s wrong aren’t you man enough” WOW needless to say I just tried to go to sleep after I stopped which she wanted. Another clue is a spouse does not clean up after being with someone else. Kind of easy to spot for a guy but say you love your wife and you think no it’s my imagination. IT’S NOT.
BOTTOM LINE: People that grow unstable but seem normal are very hard to spot. My case was denial. I was madly in love in that 13-year marriage that was great. We had the American Dream 2 new children, great marriage, a $700,000 house I just built. By yacht time even a dream house my wife did not care. Anything over a year old and not used gets tossed. She left everything after cleaning the bank account out. I was in foreclosure, my investment car collection was gone (where I made extra money), $60K in my checking was gone and I was to blame, but I found the bank statement a few years ago. I didn’t know the extent, thought $100 $200 a month cash back not $10K to $14K a month when I was only making $2,400 a month. Don’t give your spouse control over all your money. AND MOST OF ALL the person who did this is not the person you are in love with. That person is gone as if the passed away. Sad truth when they are that ill and do not recognize it, or no one can or tell them and seek medical help, you are just torturing your self over someone that once existed but no longer does. This person most likely had this problem from birth but it can take a bad direction at any point in their life. If they cant control you, home security, job security, financial security all can be a reason for this flair of this disease. LIKE ANYTHING DO YOUR DUE DILLANGE!
WHY? Now you are thinking why would my wife try to kill me and not just divorce me. Well if I died my sister might have given her the house; the main thing was her parents. They were older and her father who I also thought as my dad (mine passed when I was 23) was in poor health. They thought we had a marriage and match in haven and a divorce would revel who she really was. It would break their heart that she was leaving, might kill them, so she lied. For the last year I could not go see her dad before he passed away because I could not look him in the eye and lie. My wife found it easy. He nephew even beat me up because he was lead to think through projection that I was a physically abusive husband, god never. When your spouse blames you for lying and you have never lied before after 20 some years and rants and raves about it they are calling you a liar. To them anything you say is a lie. It is like there wires are crossed and all truths are lies and all lies are truths. When abuse starts the projection and verbal abuse starts. Next might be a change of job or something to allow them (in my wife’s case) to pray on younger men (in my wife’s case) or just other guys.
Well it’s 13 years later and I am coming out the other side. I am $420,000 poorer (life savings gone), no home $900 car, no job, my son is gone (hurts), I am sick and on assistance now trying to find a sponsor for a writing career I want to start. Ironic when I have worked my self to death (really almost died 2 times and worked some very dangerous jobs even though I am primarily a project manager, engineering and manufacturing educated and experience. I have paid a lot in taxes, Millions of dollars I have contributed to the economy. I did a good job raising my family while my wife was messing with the kindergarten teacher and many other men. BUT I’M STILL HERE AND THANK GOD I AM ALIVE AND LIVED THROUGH THE NIGHTMARE.
HOW TO GET OVER THIS? You never get over something like this. I went to a therapist even several because I wanted to make sure I was not Screwed up. I went to a few more to try to remotely analyze why this happened and all this is what a group of 7 or so physiologists and therapists came up with. I got a clean bill but have some dispersion and anxiety. Considering I could be dead I guess I am lucky. There are hard parts to recovery I have found. I had very high self-esteem even though I suffered with a life long illness. I snow; water-skied, started manufacturing companies and even inspected 747’s. My wife branded me as a failure and irresponsible. My illness forced me to have to change jobs and professions to the point of starting my own companies. Anyone that thinks being ill and having t go through 35 jobs, business and careers has it all wrong, It’s really much more work. My wife wanted a 10-year younger guy, healthy, a killer, not me. Strange when she left she walked out the door took all my photos and videos I spent 1,000’s hours recording family etc and a the Christmas stuff even my child ornaments and I will never see them again. She did not even acknowledge me at or sons memorial she has a cold heart but great crocodile tears. JUST ADVICE but my regular doctor to me start you life over like before you were married and just do what you want. Write, start a company. Great advice that I am going to take.
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Steve, Thank you for taking the time to share your story. I am terribly sorry all of this happened to you, but you seem to have the hope necessary to emerge from that place of being almost completely broken. I wish more people understood the dangers of people like this without having to actually expereince the destruction first-hand. And take that advice your doctor gave you and run with it!! I did and refused to believe I wasn’t worthy of real love, joy and happiness. These people want us to surrender to the darkside, as kooky as that sounds. They would love nothing better than to see everyone who they discard give up and self-destruct. Good luck to you, Steve! 🙂
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[…] such as Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath—these three very often used interchangeably in terms of the abuse such […]
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Can a person afflicted as a Narcissistic Sociopath TRULY know they have NS? I mean without their victims (or would-be “Loved Ones”) telling them?
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M. Poppings, Great question. Why would a true socipath ever suspect anything was wrong with him/her? They only get an idea of what they are when and if someone DOES speakout against their actions and behavior, because sociopaths are incapable of self-reflection.
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My name is Darsella Biles and there were a group of individuals that abused me financially, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically with the abuse of the religious leaders, judicial, union officials, legislators, enforcement, the fbi, non profit organizations, my neighbors, unions, lawyers, and etc for greed, power, envy, position, and personal reasons in Michigan. I was prohibited from working and resources because some were veterans but, they allowed the criminals to get away with these things and the public is aware of the injustices and the crime this is a lot for someone in their forties to contend with. The criminal and the people that were living off me, are utilizing the cellular telephone companies to steal funds via the internet and the postal service to commit thes crimes, interesting! Crime and does not matter especially if you are a women, the mighty dollar is their !
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Thank you. I am totally new to all this craziness and am completely shocked that this even exists. I think we all need to stick together because when I try to talk to friends or family they just think I’m crazy and making a big deal out of nothing. I’m sorry but If I would of stayed longer I may just have ended up dead. This abuse is real and it is serious.
I’m still getting used to navigating around this blog and even my own blog over at word press. But I would love any sort of communication and support and to give love and support out to others as well. Peace love and comfort… Grace
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Grace, do not ever doubt yourself. Print some information off the net and give it to your best friends to read and explain that although he seems perfect on the outside, the relationship was abusive. This is exactly why it is so hard to get away. A sociopath makes you believe you are crazy and people will not believe you when you tell them something is wrong, because he is such a nice guy.
Congratulations on getting away and i wish you all the strength you need. Hug!
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[…] Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath. […]
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Wow , powerful knowledge ! I live wth one now and they try to make me feel lik the bad person when I stand up for myself and point out the twisting and projecting things they do . Time to get out and get therapy.
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How did you survive? Sociopaths are so deceitful that it is almost virtually impossible to cut loose from them. They are hard to get rid of. Like roaches, you wish you could get rid of them but they manage to stay somehow in your life. How did you get rid of him? Were you able to divorce?
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Hello, Dove. I never married him or had his children. I lasted living in his home for 30 days at the end of our 3-year relationship. I have a large family who protected and supported me in the aftermath. I simply had no legal ties to him, which allowed for a relatively clean break. Pursuing me would have been too much work; this sociopath is lazy. He’d rather prey on vulnerable people in his own back yard than travel 20+ miles out of state to try destroying me. 🙂
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Mix the extreme narcissism with a passive-aggressive personality type and you have the perfect storm waiting to happen.. In extreme cases these are capable of murder in order to hide their true identity from the World image they have created.. I was married to one of these types and the destruction they will attempt in order to safeguard themselves is to say the least, EXTREME.. Before becoming aware of the dangers the other is dealing with they will try murder.. However, not in a direct manner.. You know, the kind that will take you to the edge of a cliff and then see if you fall off all by yourself or with a little help of a push when nobody is watching.. Once the other person starts to get a glimpse of what is going on they will start to destroy a person’s reputation, start creating scenarios in order to criminalize the other and to put them in doubt, etc… The fact that I got away with my life makes me happy for my freedom…
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Thank you, anonymous. I am happy you are free.
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I did not get away. I had a child with her. I just finished serving a prison sentence. 6Yrs 10 months 13hrs 24 min.
I don’t even know how to pick up the pieces. I’ve been abandoned by my family. Worse…I’m the bad guy to my sibling so I wear the black sheep title. I’m sinking because I paralyzed with depression. About to be homeless. Things don’t get better and that is not the usual. My mojo is gone. My self defection and therapy gave me ALOT of answers except…ok I’m not the psycho…I was00
.
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Bruno, I am terribly sorry you are going through what you are going through. Are you currently on parole? Are you living in a community corrections facility or on your own? I’m asking because I worked in community corrections in Denver, Colorado and understand the additional stress you are dealing with on top of the relationship and family stress. It could make anyone lose their desire to be joyful.
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My wife tried to secretly drug overdose me last night which I think was a reaction to an agreement that her daughter & I posted on facebook concerning her Narcissism.
I left the house ASAP.
After reading this post, I wonder if she is also a sociopath, even though she claims she hasn’t been diagnosed such.
Is there a way that I can get her medical records opened to me to discover how she has been diagnosed?
How do I get the drink tested for what was in it?
Its cheery in a dark way that there is a club of people out there who are experiencing life with an NS. I just came into this consciousness of what it means to be married to a NS
Thx for all the great comments.
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Hipduane,
Due to HIPAA regulations, you would not be able to access her medical records to review a diagnosis without her permission. The other route is to get a judge to order a psychological evaluation. However, sociopathy/psychopathy are not considered diagnosable conditions according to the DSM-V. Only cluster B personality disorders are categorized as conditions. But even such a diagnoses does little to help you unless a judge is willing to review the case history and conclude she is a danger to you and your children.
As far as getting the drink tested, contact a private investigator. The police won’t invest in testing unless you file a report and she is officially charged. (I know…it’s frustrating, right?)
I wish this club didn’t exist. I wish there were no need for this club. But those of us who have lived what we’ve lived need each other to validate what happened to us and what continues to happen to the children forced to be exposed to these types of people. I’m truly sorry you are living what you’re living, but now that you’re aware, you are armed with greater choices. 🙂
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[…] tidbit of information worth noting is that, according Doctor Martha Stout (as quoted here), true “sociopaths make up 4% of western society (Stout, 2010). That’s about 1 in 25 […]
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Hello everyone,
I have been married for 4 months. I just found out that my ‘husband’ lied to me about having a job amongst other things for the last year—along with that lie—daily lies of where he was going, what he was doing, ect. He had been lying for the 9 months leading up to the wedding. We live in different states so it wasn’t obvious. His parents financially supported him and they knew that he did not have a job so that also concealed things. There are lies upon lies that I do not need to go into. Amongst all those lies were fantasy lies–promotions, raises, meetings with top people. We got married and he went back to his state so he could ‘work’ and so he couldn’t move with me. I have taken a job to start in a year in his state and so then is when we planned on moving in together. I don’t understand how someone could get married with all of these lies–no real conscience?. He says he was scared to tell me and wanted me to be proud and he wanted to feel special? He also said that the lies came so natural and a time came when he couldn’t tell the difference?
I know what i need to do now, but wanted to hear everyone’s thoughts.
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Kristy, I am very sorry that you are dealing with this. Ask yourself, “Would I lie to someone in order to get them to be proud of me?” Isn’t lying the absolute opposite thing a person with integrity would do? And don’t you deserve NOT to be lied to? I am disgusted at the lengths people will go to to insult us. I’m certain if you had known the absolute truth about this guy, you wouldn’t have dumped him. You may have been more cautious in your decisin to marry him, but I doubt you would have rejected him. I can’t make a determination of his state of mind or whether or not he is/isn’t disordered/pathological. There are plenty of non-sociopaths in this world who do stupid things for fear of rejection and abandonment. Only you know based on your direct experience and the depths of the lies how sick and unstable this person is. The next questions you need to ask yourself is, “Do I honor and trust myself enough to make the right choices to protect my health and happiness moving forward?” We want to be merciful and offer people second chances. However, we should put our safety and health first, plug into self-compassion and detach from that which our gut tells us is toxic and harmful. 🙂
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Thank you Paula! Your words are so kind. I agree with you. He was blaming me as the reason all last week—like i wanted you to be proud ect.
But this week when I ask him why he did it (lie for a year)–he says “i dunno”.
He doesn’t seem very apologetic or really that he cares that much. His parents are delusional which make it much much worse because they enable and protect him (as expected i guess).
Anyways, never in a million years did i ever think I would be in this insane situation. To make it worse–I have been with him for 9 years and have been good to him. I really thought I knew him and I thought we had a good relationship—not without imperfections but good.
Thanks again for your kind words.
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Here’s my story.
I’ve been married for 14 years to a man who initially I thought was so darn charming. As time went on I began to notice behaviors that were more unrealistic. Such as forcing sex on me, raping me, going to swinger clubs, sexual games, severe pornography addiction. I mean maybe three times a day. He wanted sex as often as he thought about it.
I’m in shock as I’ve read through Paula’s blog & am very new to this. I’ve never in my life could pin point exactly why he never had an ability to display emotions towards ANYONE. It’s scary. Very unnerving to have been psychologically devastated and manipulated for so many years.
From his fits and rages for no reason to his lack of ability to connect emotionally, spiritually with my children & I. I’m at a place where I felt as if I’ve died. There is nothing left inside my soul but emptiness & grief.
His bullying, self indulgent behavior is sickening. Making me feel as if I’ve been such a bad person for so many years I finally began to believe that I was truly a pathetic person. As time went by I just breathed. I still just breathe but since reading this blog today I can finally feel some kind of relief in knowing that he really needs help.
Given the fact that I now see myself as a co-dependent, it’s all too surreal. I’ve allowed this for so long and I feel as if I’m dead. I know it sounds foolish, but it’s the only description I can use to describe my life for so many years.
He’s a very cunning manipulative individual. His ego and his lack of remorse and self centered behavior has hurt me and my children.
I can write a book of his disorder & try to investigate the 5 w’s in his case. If I did this than I would suffer even moreso.
Manipulative
Huge ego of self and belief that he is a God
Lies & lies
Rages for no reason in mornings during day while he’s at work
In front of everyone he’s a darn charmer!
Sexual addiction
Verbally abusive to me & children
Has bought prob 12 new cars since marriage
Likes to spend spend spend
No self remorse or feeling of any kind
Belief that his actions are justified
Master at manipulation and demeaning me and his children
The goes on. I need help! I’ve been living isolated from the world because I just had to
Living with severe panic attacks and severe depression to point where I feel like I’m dying
I did file for divorce a week ago but after reading this I truly understand how important it is to move far away from him to protect myself and my children
Blessings to you Paula
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Anonymous, I am very sorry that you have experienced what you’ve experienced. Please know that awakening to the reality, although painful, is a positive step toward a better life. I know it doesn’t feel like that today. I always recommend finding a professional counselor or therapist in which to confide and purge your emotions, feelings, frustrations, fears and anxieties. Someone who has experience with trauma in the aftermath of abusive (physical, sexual, financial, emotional and spirityual) relationships. There is no need to label yourself or to label your tormentor. Doing so will get in the way of your healing and recovery. Instead, start by accepting that it happened and there was nothing within your power at the time to stop it, change it or make it better. It happened. From acceptance, you can begin to come back into yourself…into your light…and find solutions and tools to help you rebuild your life. 🙂
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Paula,
I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your blog. You’ve helped me in so many ways and I’ll be forever grateful to you for that. Although I don’t know you, I’m very happy to have read this.
I’ve moved away from my ex and have begun the whole divorce process and started healing. My kids are really happy and at peace now. God brought me here and helped me to see the ugly I was dealing with. I was just so blind for years.
It’s amazing how he works through people!!!
Happily free from 12 years of craziness and I’m so full of joy I feel as if the sky’s the limit.
So, Paula, God Bless!
I will order some books that you have when I’m ready.
Thanks again and may God Bless you and yours!
Cynthia
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Here’s my story.
I’ve been married for 14 years to a man who initially I thought was so darn charming. As time went on I began to notice behaviors that were more unrealistic. Such as forcing sex on me, raping me, going to swinger clubs, sexual games, severe pornography addiction. I mean maybe three times a day. He wanted sex as often as he thought about it.
I’m in shock as I’ve read through Paula’s blog & am very new to this. I’ve never in my life could pin point exactly why he never had an ability to display emotions towards ANYONE. It’s scary. Very unnerving to have been psychologically devastated and manipulated for so many years.
From his fits and rages for no reason to his lack of ability to connect emotionally, spiritually with my children & I. I’m at a place where I felt as if I’ve died. There is nothing left inside my soul but emptiness & grief.
His bullying, self indulgent behavior is sickening. Making me feel as if I’ve been such a bad person for so many years I finally began to believe that I was truly a pathetic person. As time went by I just breathed. I still just breathe but since reading this blog today I can finally feel some kind of relief in knowing that he really needs help.
Given the fact that I now see myself as a co-dependent, it’s all too surreal. I’ve allowed this for so long and I feel as if I’m dead. I know it sounds foolish, but it’s the only description I can use to describe my life for so many years.
He’s a very cunning manipulative individual. His ego and his lack of remorse and self centered behavior has hurt me and my children.
I can write a book of his disorder & try to investigate the 5 w’s in his case. If I did this than I would suffer even moreso.
Manipulative
Huge ego of self and belief that he is a God
Lies & lies
Rages for no reason in mornings during day while he’s at
Sexual addiction
Verbally abusive to me & children
Has bought prob 12 new cars since marriage
Likes to spend spend spend
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Omg. You have just described my story also. Only I managed to get out in 18 months. To add to the story, I have discovered that he has molested 2 of his daughters and the deaths of 2 of his sons seem very suspicious to me now. He always got a gleam in his eyes when he teased me about killing me. I am glad that have discovered these blogs because I now know , it wasnt me. I am not the crazy one. I Swear that he knew everything that I was lacking from my 30 or marriage because he got me hook line and sinker. Be strong. Know that you are an amazing woman. My heart and prayers go out to you and your children. Of course the story doesn’t end here and it does continue, but women are strong creatures. We will survive this by taking care of ourselves and refilling our souls with love compassion and beauty once again. At this moment I cannot even imagine loving another man , or letting one get close again. So my plan is to just work on me. I’ve decided to let God pick out the next man for me. Love and blessings to you my dear.
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Thank you, Grace. I understand every emotion you’re going through and am sending you my blessings as well. 🙂
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I am slowly coming to grips with my narcissism and sociopathy. I am the epitome of many of these traits. It’s scary. My father, he’s been sober now for over twenty-two years and I’m so proud of him for that, taught me how to be a narcissist and sociopath through his issues with narcissism and sociopathy but he’s like Buddha now. I’m 41 years old. I’m in a long-term relationship with a great woman. We are expecting our first child, a girl. I still post narcissistic and sociopathic things on Facebook and Twitter but I’m slowly starting to recognize them. I cried for the first time in years during our meeting with my girlfriend’s OB/GYN and it was freeing. I’m far from perfect but I want you people to know that there’s hope for people dealing with narcissists and sociopaths. Call them out on their behaviors and tendencies. Again and again. Don’t give up on them. I wouldn’t be writing this if my girlfriend hasn’t been helping me. We’re not all bad people. I’m telling you that there are hearts and souls not too far from the surface for many of us. Just scratch deep enough and maybe you’ll help them to reveal those hearts and souls. It won’t work the first time. It may not work the twentieth time but show them posts like this one, or this one in particular, and we may begin to recognize the blackness that is narcissism and sociopathy. There is hope!
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Johnathan,
Thank you so much for your post. It’s the first one I’ve seen from an NS individual. I appreciate your being open, honest and admitting you have this personality disorder. But most of all that you want people to know that there can be help and healing for some of those with this disorder. I have recently left my boyfriend that fits every trait to a T, accept being prominent and successful.
I have a restraining order on him now. He has done some literally terroristic things, very violent. But there were times when I could see a spark of a really good man. I can no longer be with him, I feel it’s just a matter of time before he snaps again. I am currently writing him a sum of our relationship, so he can see where I’m coming from, “The good, the bad, the ugly” If you will. I have been struggling with sharing materials with him regarding malignant narcissistic sociopaths and misogynists. In the past I have given him materials on domestic violence abusers. I would put them with his belongings when we would have a fight and had to be separated. Apparently he has read them. I now see a DV counselor, and attend support groups. My life has been devastated by this man. They recommend that I don’t share materials with him, that he is what he is and for my safety to let it go. He is 51 now. His two long time friends from high school, who are married, have contacted me because he wants to write me a letter. They tell me that he has never been so distraught over a woman before. He has not had many relationships. I know and trust them that they are not playing on my sympathies and trying to get us back together. In talking to them they have answered some questions about my ex bf’s past that helps put some puzzle pieces together. I care for this man and hate to see him suffer and be alone. I think his dad was probably NS, but my ex bf doesn’t talk much of his past. His dad died when he was 18. In talking with his friends, they are trying to convince him to seek professional help. They say he says he knows he needs help. I would love nothing more to see him get help, so that maybe someday he can live with himself, have some peace, learn to be respectful and possibly have a healthy relationship with a woman. I have tried so hard to be there for him, help him. I can’t do anymore. I’m not responsible for him. I have lost my job, and desperately looking for work. I fear I may lose my home, these things are due to the awful traits of NS. I have read so much on the traits of NS, but am really wanting to find more posts/information like yours for myself and to share with him and his friends. I would like to find more on what these men\women do, think feel, when they are told they have this disorder. I’m sure some deny it, some admit it and don’t care, and some recognize it and get help. I’m sure some are violent with their partner for even thinking it’s possible.
But I do care and hope he can find peace.
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Without stating whether I believe or don’t believe Jonathan, I will say that transformation takes commitment, focus and requires one to take FULL accountability for one’s actions, behaviors and thoughts. True introspection is required. Even those of us who are already accountable find it hard to release our ego long enough and frequently enough to make core value shifts in how we approach ourselves, others and nature at large. If someone has lived without tapping into their conscience for decades, he/she can’t suddenly begin using it because they say they want to. Think of drug addicts or alcoholics. None of them want to be drug addicts or alcoholics, but their brain chemistry and conditioning moves toward the familiar even as they make attempts to quit or cut back. Most addicts go through multiple relapses before they either give up, die or finally break free. It’s great to hold out hope for this man you loved, but it’s best that you do it from a distance and not get sucked into helping him on his journey. You have and deserve your own healing journey with a guarantee that you won’t be dragged back into the pit of despair you finally escaped. 🙂
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9 out of 9 on the Narc. questions.
13 out of 20 on the Soc. questions. Some of them (5 questions) I cannot answer, not knowing anything much about the childhood & some other life aspects.
He claims that there is nothing wrong that relates to Narc. or Sociopathic behaviours, just ‘other conditions’.
It doesn’t matter at all if all these questions can be answered with a ‘Yes’.
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It doesn’t matter unless the “yes” answers are coupled with a feeling of dred and a resistance to continue dealing with the person. It comes down to how people who behave this way make us feel. If you are perfectly “okay” with being subjected to the behavior, then “yes” answers don’t matter.
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Paula I AM NOT O.K. with this! 19 months of no contact & avoidance, to the point of not going places or driving miles out of my way to avoid any accidental contact. That is dread.
Short of selling my house & moving, there is little else that can be done.
I’m tired of trying to make sense out of behaviours that make no sense. I don’t know why it mattered to me to have some understanding of “Why?”, but it did. It doesn’t any longer. Crazy = Incomprehensible.
I will not be posting here any more.
I have served my mental eviction notice on him. No matter what he does, he is out of my head, & if he is stupid enough to make anything else happen, the police will be informed immediately, & since he is enough trouble already I’m sure he won’t want any more.
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[…] 1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts,… […]
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My daughter was married to a true sociopath, he fits so many of the flags that I am surprised she didn’t realize this earlier. He plays the part of being someone he isn’t and has lost many jobs as the description doesn’t fit what he really knows although he dresses well above the part with expensive custom made suits and shirts, $600 shoes, $200 ties and belts of which he obtained using plastic as his spending is way beyond his means. He had cheated on her in their marriage and even brought home another woman to “share’ a night in their bedroom. Of course, nothing is ever his fault and crass comments he makes in putting people down, he follows up with…”I was just joking.” He is full of revenge and has sued every boss that had the nerve to fire him, losing each case. I could go on and on but now my daughter is as HE put it, being tortured through the courts because he owes her much money as he decided on his own that the court orders for alimony and child support are just too much for him to pay, so he stopped the alimony and cut the child support. He has told his children that they should NEVER call and ask him for money, he has a new family now and can’t afford to give them anything.
He “dated” many women who he thought had money, using the exact same phrases to all of them…you are the total package, until he finally found one who was about to inherit a fortune from her deceased grandparents (talking millions here) so he knocked her up after just a few month to insure he is IN now. She bought a huge house cash, along with a fancy Mercedes cash and we believe she is helping to fund the attorney who he is now using to TORTURE my daughter in court (we have a tape of the treat to her about his plans to drag her through the courts till she just disappears) Fortunately, he was found in contempt and will be going to sentencing next month regarding tax papers and pay stubs that he hasn’t produced for my daughter to proceed with her financial case against him. He told the court that the IRS told him he didn’t have to file taxes last year as they were auditing him for his 2010 taxes which he lied about alimony payments exceeding the payments he actually made. He then said that he got a second extension which was another lie as there is no such thing, all under oath.
He has had no relationship with his family for many years, PITY is another tool the sociopath uses to trap their prey and he has created quite the story about his family who happen to be lovely people. Of course, he has his few followers that he charms and spends lots of money on which he doesn’t have. This man had purchases 11 new cars in the 12 years my daughter was with him and re-mortgaged the home they shared each time a small bit of equity became available. His spending is just way out of line, and in the past 10 years, he has had at least 6 different jobs. We will be going back to court now for the 9th time for the same thing, almost 2 years in court just to get the finances straightened out for child support. We started in court with 10 counts of him saying my daughter was keeping the children from him which she was found NOT GUILTY of all charges, all lies he made up. He insists that my daughter should make the kids call him, he doesn’t initiate the calls from their two daughters who were 3 and 5 at the time of their divorce. Another point of a sociopath is they have to be in control ALL the time. In short, this has been a very stressful time for our entire family with court cases always looming and consuming my daughter’s time with her girls. His new girlfriend (baby momma) hasn’t yet figured this guy out and thankfully, they live in another state. She has contacted his family telling them they should have no contact with my daughter as HE wants to get back into the fold (how does it look that none of his family would be attending a wedding they might be having) and his sister told her that they will NOT do that as she is the reason they have a relationship with the kids, not him. He also lied to her about my daughter “stealing” $350K from him, money he never had in his entire life!! There is no getting away from this monster since there are the children involved who he has no LOVE for, sociopaths only love themselves, but views them as trophies who he tries to manipulate, too. Hope this helps someone else see that they are not alone!!!
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Wow. Thank you for sharing. What you describe is the life I feared I would have had if I hadn’t left when I did. I feel great pity for the new GF (baby momma) but she is participating in the devaluing and discarding of your daughter and the children, so my pity doesn’t go far. Who goes out of their way to attempt to alienate grandparents from their grandchildren? Who wins in THAT situation? Certainly not the children or the grandparents, right? I find it troubling that so many people are willing to turn a blind eye to this type of abuse assuming that the person on the receiving end of the “punishment” must have done something to deserve it. No. There is nothing specific a target of a sociopath must do other than refuse to comply and be controlled any longer. To escape completely requires much sacrifice. I wish you and your family well.
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In reality, if we want to build coping skills and courage: we all will have some aggressive acts periodically in life. In order to grow and develop, we all will have more adrenaline driven acts, it’s the mens rea and actus reus that we must be looking out for.
In reality, these ‘types’ fear loosing control in front of others and demonstrate petty ridicule towards anyone that demonstrates aggressive or courageous behavior. These types tend to come out behind closed doors.
I have worked and still do as a security officer. I have worked at two large buildings and at a bar. I see a variety of aggressive and or more original acts so to speak, but very few are malicious. It’s common for people to have some random and reckless actions. Again, these types hide and fear humility and exposure, that’s why they remain cowards.
In their minds, because they feel inferior, many of you are grand and self important. I know, I’ve been round them and listen.
Every definition of this fantasy icon has no causation. There is no defect or significant physical detected imbalance in the human anatomy, for these fantasy icons. Everyone has their own variation. The descriptions are ambiguous, open to confirmation bias and impression. There is no causation or existing defect to even create a logical grouping of symptoms. The ‘symptoms’ are also being assumed based off bias impression of what one alleges someone did. The ‘symptoms’ are ambiguous criteria derived from a persons impression.
There is a foundation. (It goes in greater depth, but I’ll just give a few) I know what it is and it greatly depends on their choice and fear of embarrassment. They have even exposed it, arrested development and hypersensitivity. (I can also just look at the many decades of their produced/treated patients) Hence they wallow in and give pity. Many want the character of being mentally and emotionally fit. They get that, with their fear of embarrassment; by smearing the victim and making everyone else think or look to have this ambiguous, ‘mental instability’.
In reality, many people, who may have committed a crime, can have at least half of the above listed criteria, but not be these types. Actually, these types are the types that are not caught, as they have covers for their little counseling acts and know how to work around the laws. These types have poor coping skills, self control or self respect. Many hide and spend their times in offices, behind closed doors, isolation. Therefore, they tend to entice or enable others to expose their vulnerabilities as a way for them to get control over their patients or victims. There victim is their tool and so are these fantasy icons. The victim and the icon go together and we have them creating something appearing to be something, in order for them to get character and make themselves look competent.
Actually, it is only the victims or patients, so to speak, that list the signature and very specific traits and MO’s of these types. You can asses David Parker Ray’s psych brainwash manual, as a start. Many of these types, are the counselors. Of course, a signature trait is pity and sympathy. One who gives it, is one who takes and has it. There is a reason why the ‘counselors’ fail to expose the MO’s and signature traits, along with adding vague and ambiguous ‘symptoms’ that can even be applied to the victim or people who are not these types.
I have been a mark of just about all, other than murder. I know what they are. I have successfully exposed four of them. Everyone had some type of cover that facilitated counseling.
Again, they are the types that are fixated on what things appear to be. As long as something appears to be something, all is ok. Truth and reality does not matter, it’s what things appear to be.
“It will appear the she/he is ‘mentally unstable” but really it was me that took advantage of their vulnerability and if they keep taking those pills they will be an entire object that represents me. I can also use that object after my treatment really sets in, and write about them as if I am the competent god if the mind, and get more status gain”.
A PhD is an example of something that appears to be something it is not. It is in truth, a ‘doctorate’ of philosophy. I have 7.5 years of college and it is a false credibility. Therefore, I never use it or showcase it for credibility. College is a business that plays off ignorance, lack of wisdom and approval. College is a business that sells status.
Be weary, as many people’s problems, insecurity and sense of inferiority stage their careers.
Many also get a sense if thrill and meaning from ‘victimization’ and after want to get a job in it.
“I was a drug addict, now I’ll be an addiction counselor”
“I always felt inferior, jealous and insecure and I am going to study psychology and become a counselor”
“I was a domestic violence victim and now I want to be a domestic violence counselor and advocate”.
“I am a coward dictated by the petty ridicule, shame and approval of my mother (my childhood and now forever, adulthood therapist) and I want to look like a man and hero, I’ll abuse the military image and ride off a medical profile”
These types showcase their degrees like a trophy. That enables the ignorant to think they are credible and like a god that has the answers and take their opinion as fact.
These types gain sense of control by controlling others with emotions and private sensitive knowledge about them. Approval and other mind games are a big lever for them. They are more passive and patient with their MO’s. (Slow, steady, prolonged-passive, secretive, well planned) They gain the levers and control through talking and or counseling. They tend to keep it like a secret control. They like little secrets and like you to ‘read in between the lines, so to speak. The most deceptive of these types are woman, as they have more orbital frontal lobe tissue to modulate amygdala, way less testosterone and don’t have the same alpha male drives as men. Pity and sympathy tends to be more assumed, with woman and less suspicious. Most of our serious male killer tortures, were seriously brainwashed and dictated by their mother. The Gaines case is one of many examples. Gaines was a ‘patient’ vehicle of his mother.
These types like to use substances to gain control. They often smear the victim by using or creating ‘patients’. Again, somehow after the victim leaves or escapes; they will have done type of ‘mental instability’ label at minimum. This is more classic with woman and the children of the typical psycho scenario Mother. I have experienced it. The dictating belittling mother, controlling her boy, even at the age of 32.
The last one if these types included a combo; the mother and her son. He acted out her taught psychological abuse (yes, starts with ‘counseling’) tried to get me to take pills or alcohol, and isolation tactics. He and his brother work together. They provoke you in a room and it starts with counseling. The other one films records and or watches. Once he cornered and repeatedly yelled, while looming, “fucking Psycho”. Escape, I ran, he cornered me, chased me out to the street, I got in the car, he latched on it and tried to open the passenger side door, I hit the throttle and took off. (The mother was allowed to barge his bedroom door open whenever she wanted, when he was in it, to belittle him when he did not get her approval before he did something) He also tried to get me to come back by saying that his actions were because of a panic ‘disorder’ and ‘bipolar’. Within 48 hours there were several smear attempts through the internet and telephone. He attempted to get others to think I was bipolar. He opened my mail and got my new address. He kept using property and third party’s to try to get to me. I have two criminal reports on him. He publicly exposed himself. He is the childish boy spending (criminal report exposes time) time between 12:39am until 10:48pm simultaneously messaging (two social media accounts) various people he does not know, internet messaging me and texting in attempts to get me to come back and get others to think I was bipolar. This activity went on from October until the beginning of December.
Look at the history of the few caught out of the many woman criminals. Many use pills and or poisons. They have more tendency to braise male killers, Acomplice male killers and kill men for money; but they tend to preserve girls and slowly ruin them. (Ex. Gertrude Baniszewski)
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I am working on a book to lariat this. The right way to do a profile has not been done. These types are a signature type. But there has yet to be a signature profile that is not vague. Not for nothing I have assessed hundreds of bipolar threads, border lines, histrionic and sociopath/psychopath- all reports are the same gist. Not, surprised, these icons, the work of psychology.
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Excuse auto correct: not lariat, meant, clarify
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Wow. Thank you for sharing this thorough and thoughtful explanation of the sociopath character as you have come to know it. I agree with you and your points. I especially agree that there is not currently a proper “screening” of traits. To your belief that many of these types are counselors, I came to the conclusion that the real psychopath in Dexter is the female psychiatrist, not Dexter. I’ll be rereading and digesting what you’ve shared over the next few days. Thank you.
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Well, as good advise as that was on identifying, How do you deal with one if you are unfortunate enough to have a child with them and they refuse help? Mind you, they have custody….
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Juju,
You and I had the same mother. She tossed me out at 16 which ended up being the best thing that could have happened. We didn’t see or speak again for 23 yrs. I too had trouble forming positive relationships with people for years even after being away from her. I had abandonment issues (go figure) so I would kick people to the curb before they could do it to me. If I had even the slightest disagreement with someone, that was it and I never looked back. But like you, I recognized certain traits and behaviors in myself and worked to change them. There’s nothing wrong with not dealing with people you feel don’t like you. You don’t have to be friends with everyone. I think what is more common for those who have been raised and had relationships with narcissists is that they hold on to the wrong people, people who treat them badly because that is what they are used to. They are always waiting for the next shoe to drop and will often cause it to happen so as not to be taken by surprise. It seems harsh because it’s your mother but the only way to heal is to cut her and people like her out of your life. I don’t know how old you are, I was lucky because I got away when I was still young and was fortunate to meet good people and I observed other people’s relationships with their mothers and family members and learned how dysfunctional mine was. I also learned from how people reacted to me that I wasn’t all the horrible things my mother used to call me – I had value. Through counseling I learned that how she treated me had nothing to do with me – there was nothing wrong with me. I hope you work to get there too.
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omg! im terrrified to share my experience with my ex, but reading your articles has helped me get out of the abusive relationship. thank god im saved
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Anony,
It’s tough when you share custody of children and are forced to communicate with the N. I have heard of some people using a third party (attorney, relative) to assist with the exchange and always do it in a neutral area, not at their homes. Whatever the circumstance, just remember, like at the Zoo, don’t feed the animals. In other words, don’t give him what he wants the most, attention, positive or negative, to them doesn’t matter. They feed off your emotional responses.
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Thank you so much for your article. My divorce was just finalized Friday. I was married for 2.5 years to a Narcissistic Sociopath. I was his 5th wife, which I didn’t find out about until after we were married. I thank God for protecting my kids and myself from this person. He is everything described in this article. I never knew what a narcissist or a sociopath was until I was married to this person for about 6 months. My eyes are open by this experience and plan to use this experience to help others. Thank you so much for this information that is everything that I’ve witnessed.
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Hi to all I really need to ask a question. I used to date this girl of which I admit, even though we broke up I still cant get over her because I felt as she was the one. My question is this, i generally used the phrases given in this article a lot to her, and she had some kind of history with abusers, but I never held her back in following her dream to become a doctor or meeting new people to have a better social life, because what made her happy made me as well, but I read the whole article and I am afraid I might be a narcissist sociopath. But I dont know, I mean I am starting to believe that, that is the reason she doesnt even want to talk to me anymore, and I am starting to believe that I am. Does what I just said, make me a sociopath?? I mean I only wanted to do good for her, I never wanted to harm her in any way.
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Paul, Do you have a pattern of using those phrases and behavior across all relationships (i.e., platonic, business, romantic and familial)? If you do, then you might want to be concerned about being a sociopath. However, because you ask the question in the first place, I am lead to believe you aren’t.
Humans crave love and interaction with others. Sometimes when we meet someone whom we believe is the one, we become a bit possessive. It’s normal to a degree. Plus, you recognize you’ve done this, which means you are self-reflective…something pathological sociopaths/narcissists are not capable of being. This woman may be stepping away because of your intensity; I don’t blame her. I’m sure your intensity is a bit smothering for her. I’m also sure she’s a wonderful woman and you have her best interests in mind, right? You don’t want to control or manipulate her, right? You don’t need her to need and love you, right? You simply find her amazing and wonderful and a good match for what you love in this world, right?
I suggest that you sit down and ask yourself why you are so intensely attracted to this woman. Understanding your internal motivations will help you be more relaxed and less anxious about the emotions that surface. You may uncover some of your own insecurities and fears that make you smother her when you are with her. We want to be loved and adored. We don’t want to be possessed. Any one of us is capable of behaving possessively when it comes to love. Life is filled with lots of loving and interesting people. Don’t be worried or fearful that this one is going to runaway and abandon you. Learn to love the moments with her. This will build your love and respect for her and her love and respect for you. Love can’t be rushed or forced. Love is something that builds over time. Love does not peak upon first meeting, which is what sociopaths expect and want in a relationship…all relationships. If love peaks in the beginning, it’s all downhill from there, right? That’s not love. Love grows from like, like with a lot of admiration in the mix. I hope this helped.
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My ex has just discarded me four months ago from a 7yr relationship. We were in each others pockets so the shock is tremendous. Can I ask if these traits(a few listed of many) constitute a narcassist.
At beginning complete lovebombing I was swept.off my feet moved in within 4 months
Began isolating me from.my best friend which I foolishly accepted wanted constant compliments admiration reassurance that i loved him and would often ask for detailed reasons for why I did, constantly bad mouthing both his and my friends colleagues family members, very negative, felt constantly victimised ie everyone gets better job I.Could do a better job than my boss etc.was jealous of.my relationship with my family,started mentioning different girls at work acting like he had crushes (triangulaton?) which made me v insecure, fly into rages if he couldn’t park outside his house if postman left gate open etc would critisise how I did things around the house, started getting texts and would purposely start turning the phone face down when he hadn’t before, id voice an opinion and wed end up having a row that would literally make my head spin in confusion. In the end I ended up being a cross between his pa and his housecleaner.oh and he withheld sex even though he knew how much this upset me.The end came as quickly as the romance started. I had to tend to my mother after an operation and made the mistake of expecting some support. Found out hed arranged a weekend with “friends ‘ instead of even offering me any type of support. I called and we rowed as I questioned his prorities, came back from my mothers 2 days later and.he was sitting there with the most evil cruel cold look on his face and told me I had 2 days to get out of his house.
Then refused to speak to me whilst I hurriedly rushed around putting clothes in bags etc
I have never seen such a cold blank evil stare with nothing hehind the eyes that resembled sharks.
7 years with this person and only now do I see!! He has left me with ptsd and I feel ive lost my whole world my home stability relationship environment even my beloved pets etc
Any views?
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Paul, the phrase that really disconcerts me is, “The One”. I’ve heard this phrase used by a number of men who Narc./Soc.’s /abusers.
Do you really believe that we all get just one shot @ happiness, if & only if we find “The Right One”? This puts a lot of pressure on the person to be perfect all the time, & if the relationship should end, this can lead to stalking, & obsessive, desperate measures to try to hang on to something that the other person no longer wishes to be a part of.
Why do you think that no other person is capable of caring for you? Why do you think that you cannot care for anyone else?
Every relationship is different. What you don’t get in one, you may find something else that is just as rewarding & satisfying in another.
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Dear Paula and Anon I read both of your replies and it really helped me a lot, especially in the understanding of where I made my mistakes, and I want to thank you for that. At first I really thought I might have done something to hurt her, but maybe I just tried giving her the world when i should have just take it slow. Again ty you opened my eyes about my self and I appreciate it.
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Very happy to know our responses helped you, Paul.
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I informed him that I filed for divorce on December 10. There was an interesting response: no tears despite wailing and anger, blame and a claim of no knowing why. He walked the floors all night, stalked me in my house, and tried to intimidate me in every way possible. I have prevailed despite the fear and anxiety. I am committed to myself and sanity. No turning back, no contact, using legal means to regain control of my home and my life.
Unfortunately I have become obsessed with discovering who the person is to whom I was married. I found 5 ex-wives, 5 abandoned kids, and 20 years of un or under employment, a dead beat dad and a debt to the feds for 256K. I also found that the family of a cold case murder victim suspected him as the perpetrator (public comments on newspaper archives). He was a cop. I had always suspected because he is obsessed with that crime and often provides conflicting stories.
No one should ever lose a loved one and not know the who or why. During the end of our relationship I was wise enough to gather articles with DNA and fingerprints. My question is how/who do I contact if I think there is a connection and still protect myself? How can I get the authorities to understand this is not vindictiveness but genuine concern for closure for that woman’s three children and her family? The timeline of his lived experience demonstrate him fleeing the area and never returning, changing his name and leaving no forwarding addresses. Any suggestions?
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OMG, you strory is my story, my recent ex has 4 ex wives..that I know of and he has a debt of $456000 to the Feds for mortgage fraud….my mouth is just hanging open right now…
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I have lived with a sociopath for 18 years that everyone thinks is a very giving, social, victim who has socially smeared me and isolated all of my relationships as well as religious relationships and work related opportunities. He is very charming and believable. People think that because I stay quiet and don’t gossip and smear him like he does me that he truly must be the victim. He has not only destroyed my life but also the life of my four children. Poor man. He is a sneaky snake. Sometimes I feel so broken by his isolation, trash talk of me and destruction that I feel that ending my life would be easier than getting away from him. He is a sneaky snake and people believe his bs. He was accused of molesting his sons and because he passed a lie detector test claims his innocence. He is cunning and sly and people believe his stories. I am an introvert, empath, very shy and keep to myself and because he is gregarious and charming and engages people very well they assume I must be the one with issues. I don’t even know how to defeat that. He has ruined many of the social supports that I have and has worked hard to isolate me. The grief that I feel that I believed him and trusted in him is so intense. I can not understand how he could do that to me. It isn’t only me but all of the others in his life. I feel sad for him as well. He has no relationships because of his lying and the chaos that he causes. I am leaving him but feel terrified and alone. I know that his goal is to destroy me and that is terrifying. I have only ever wanted good for him and feel grief for that way the the has chosen to live his life. It is so disconcerting and unfathomable to me. I don’t even know how people cope with these kinds of people. The anger and grief I feel is unbelievable. I have had customers of his that I have never met before talk with me about private family issues that they should not know about and they have defended him to me against me. People I have never met before who do not know me or anything about me. How screwed up is that? I’m sure any of you who deal with this get it. I feel duped, angry, wounded and broken. My trust for any human is decreased myriads thanks to this “wonderful” man. I feel emotionally and mentally raped. I don’t even know how to navigate this twistedness.
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JC,
Thank you for sharing your story. I honestly do not believe people are fooled by these types of people. I think most of the people that you THINK he is fooling are simply too lazy or scared to call him out on his BS. How else could he be surrounded by so many people yet have no friends? It’s like The Emperor’s New Clothes: everyone knows he’s naked but no one has the guts to tell him.
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I feel the same exact way. I dont know what to do with myself right now. He has messed up my whole life. I finally kicked him out yesterday, because he tried to hurt my 7 year old daughter.because he could not gain his control over her. He went as far as to get in her face and threaten to break her jaw. He called her a little bitc* among lots of others. That was my last straw. Now, I have only been dealing with this one for 9 months. Not including the 4 times he left and ignored me for no reason whatsoever, leaving me confused and insecure about myself. He is very good with people too. Everyone loved him, well (loves) him. For some reason that made me love and want him more. Its ridiculas. His friend used to tell me he was a pure evil sociopath. I didnt understand what a sociopath was until yesterday. Now I am sure that is the only thing he can be. Having human emotions, I am so hurt, betrayed, and just pissed. I feel like he went crazier because I took his control away. he wanted to place blame on my 7 year old daughter for our failing relationship.
I paid for everything. He moved into my house, and never tried to work. I was his supply. I hate that I was used by someone I loved. I thought he was my soul mate. He made me believe that. I dont know what hurts worse, leaving a man I loved, or knowing he was never capable of truly loving me like I thought he did. How can I cope with the fact that he conned me, lied, probally cheated, and used me, and still yet did not love me. As a mother I feel like crap about myself. I feel like its my fault that I did not see the signs. And yet, im sitting here wondering how a human doesnt give a shit about someone who gave them everything. I havent heard from him since he left. and the way he is, I know I never will. But I wanted to atleast hear an im sorry, to me, and mostly to my daughter. But he is incapable.
Does anyone have advice on how to recover from this?
I just cant seem to make sense out of my life.
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Jenn, I am very sorry you find yourself and your daughter in this place. It’s important to find a counselor who has experience with treating and offering support to survivors of emotional abuse and trauma. I also offer links to resources on the “Resources” page of this blog. First and foremost, allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and avoid anyone who attempts to minimize or dismiss your pain and truth. Too few want to believe people like sociopaths really exist. So don’t frustrate yourself with trying to force anyone to believe or understand. People either do or they don’t. Stick with those who believe you immediately and validate you.
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Jenn-
Often, when we begin to see the signs that we’ve fallen prey to a character disordered person, a Betrayal Bond interferes with our ability to run the other way. Betrayal Bonds are the toxic glue that binds us to our loved one, even though we sense harm.
Nature gave us brain chemistry to connect us in loving bonds. It’s what makes us “forgiving” in relationships. It’s a powerful force that exists whether the object of our affection is a decent, caring person, or not.
A good example of a Betrayal Bond is Reeva Steenkamp. Even though she had demonstrated her fear of Oscar Pistorius, she remained with him, long enough to be murdered. Cosby’s wife stands by his side, and Janay Rice married Ray Rice the day after he punched her lights out in an elevator, for the whole world to see.
People who don’t understand how Betrayal Bonds work stand in judgement and come up with all kinds of ludicrous explanations: they stay “for the fame,” “for the money,” or for any number of other motives. In reality, they stay because they have the mixture of “unconditional love” and a moral code of conduct that connects them to their offender- which produces a “Betrayal Bond.”
People don’t escape Betrayal Bonds unless they either get help or get hit upside the head with a two-by-four. When you saw your child attacked, your protective instinct for her welfare overrode your “Betrayal Bond” and acted like the two-by-four you needed in order to see the light. While you didn’t see it for your own safety, you saw it for the safety and protection of your child.
So stop dumping blame on yourself. You are now in a place of awareness. Do what you need to do to protect yourself from his behavior. And get both you and your child into therapy so you can deal with your feelings and concerns. Find a therapist who is familiar with relationships with a sociopath.
Also, if this man is the father of your child, by all means, report his behavior to the police so you begin to create a paper trail of his abuse. You will need it.
If he is not the father of your child, block him from any further contact with you and your child. Your daughter will need help dealing with this loss.
All the best-
Joyce
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All these types have is Slander. No one but an equal follows. It’s a free extermination. Really.
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Thank you for sharing. I have been in the same situation for 30 years. I am not a gossip and so he, and others around him, are able to spread their lies and people believe them. He is charming, smooth, while I am an introvert, never say the right thing, and come across as though I’m lying when I’m telling the truth while he comes across as telling the truth when he is lying. I have decided to just go about my life and hope that someone his true character is revealed. Not sure this will happen, but I can hope and pray.
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Anonymous, I know what you mean about being an introvert and not saying the right thing…fumbling over our words because words are too utilitarian to capture our hard-to-express emotions. I got tired of being judged as too sensitive or inappropriate, but I couldn’t help but react after a while to the lying and darkness creeping from his being.
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I used to houseshare with a narcissistic sociopath, his girlfriend stayed with us four nights a week and the abuse he heaped upon her was appalling.
He told her regularly how stupid and useless she was, he would shout vile insults into her face and deride anything postive that she attemped. He was regularly unfaithful, she knew about this as he would conceal the affairs with flimsy lies but she would never dare to bring it up.
She took all of this without complaint and would sometimes even agree with him.
In public they were, and still are, one of the most charming and likable couples you will ever meet. The perfect couple.
I used to try and defend her but this would always result in her turning on me and so eventually I stopped trying.
Behind closed doors he was a self harming mess. He could not keep a job, he would routinely lie to get sympathy, to make himself look good or to control people, he had no concience about the damage he caused to other people with his lies, yet presented himself as a wonderful person, something which he genuinely believed himself.
Everything was about himself and his image, nothing else mattered. People were there to serve him and he could not understand when they didn’t.
This couple are still together today and we have many mutual friends but I avoid the pair of them like the plaque. The few occasions that I have encountered him have ended badly because he simply cannot understand why I do not want to know him.
I cannot help wonder how many other women live their lives in horror like this.
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Duncan, you bring up an excellent question. Abusers of all types of abuse, including emotional abusers, are able to brainwash and manipulate their victims into absolute compliance through grooming and idolizations of their victims in the early phase of the relationship. A love bond is formed prior to the betrayal bond, resulting in a high degree of cognitive dissonance within the victim’s mind:
“He said I was the love of his life and that I was perfect for him. His criticisms and cheating must be my fault. I must have done or said something to disappoint him.”
This thinking spirals and results in the victim making excuses for the abuser’s treatment and even protects the abuser from outside criticism. The victim is essentially operating like an addict: she knows intuitively that the person is not good for her (like a drug), but she believes the love high he offered her in the beginning is just around the corner. She must be patient. She refuses to give up her drug.
In her patience with him, she loses faith and trust in herself and becomes completely reliant upon him (her drug) to affirm and offer her the approval she desperately seeks from him. And he gives it to her piece-meal, interspersed with demoralizing comments and treatment. He drops a crumb of a compliment, and she focuses on THAT and blocks out and makes excuses for the rest. It’s a sick and evil cycle.
The only way to end the cycle is for her to recognize she deserves better and leave him. But how can she possibly allow herself to think clearly about what she deserves while swimming in the muck of her cognitive dissonance and addiction? She can’t. She must somehow suspend her reality of him long enough to allow her intuition to take over. THAT is nothing that can be planned or forced. It must come from within the victim. Which is why I recommend supporters of victims encourage them to take some yoga or practice meditation. Something that requires the victim to focus on herself and her inner power and love and compassion.
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[…] fascinating post on how to identify a sociopath, (https://paularenee.wordpress.com/identifying-a-narcissistic-sociopath/). Sociopaths can be superficially charming and may appear to be wholly sincere. However they are, […]
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Hello everyone 🙂
I am a 35 years old male and I had a 4 years long marriage with a woman that fits 70% of the descriptions above. I would like to ask you, Paula, or anyone else: how the hell can I identify such a person BEFORE it happends?
Thank you and take good care of you 🙂
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Great question! I think some red flags in the early relationship phase relate to how YOU feel in relation to the behavior of the narc/socio. 1.) Does this person seem too good to be true? 2.) Is this person professing love for you prematurely? Is it realistic to say “you’re the love of my life” to someone you only just met? It’s not even realistic to make such a claim even after one or two years, in my opinion. 3.) Does the person just rub you wrong and make you feel uncomfortable with things she says or does? 4.) Do you make excuses for behavior because the relationship feels so good? 5.) Do you override your moral code to maintain peace and comformity? These are just a few i can think of off the top of my head. 🙂
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Toranaga14,
Good question. There are traits as Paula points out and no doubt you are familiar with them now. Going forward you may find that you are hyper-sensitive to N traits in someone. All I can say is go with your gut. The N I dated was different from my N mother but at a certain point I realized that the way they made me feel was the same. Walking on eggshells, feeling anxious, and generally uncertain of things. I noticed in the Ns world you are either loved (to the point of being smothered) or hated! They either have use for you or you do not exist. At least that was my experience.
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Hi Toranaga-
Paula has done an excellent job of mapping out some of the telltale signs that will tip you off to character disorder. But emotional predators are very good at hiding their past and making things seem like they’re the other person’s fault.
As a heterosexual male, the type of character disorder you are more likely to encounter is in the form of Narcissism. It is far less likely that you’ll come up against a woman who is a down and out psychopath. The ratio commonly considered by mental health professionals is especially low, although not non-existent.
Narcissistic women are after self aggrandizement at your expense. And many of them operate in a Munchhausen’s way that turns everything that happens someone else’s cruelty. They are very good at playing the system to make you look bad.
If you have accumulated wealth or have a good job, beware of women who are considerably younger than you. They may try to convince you that they like “father figures.” That’s a tip-off that they have some significant, unresolved issues with their father. In that relationship, you will be the provider, and they will be the child. While that might not seem so bad to you initially, they are mean spirited child who will try to exploit you.
Narcissistic women are very manipulative. They can be very quiet and soft spoken, while at the same time setting you up to be the “bad guy.”
At the heart of all morally disordered people is one central characteristic….. They are unable to feel emotional empathy. You can see this trait in how they respond to people around them, not just you. If they don’t give up their seat on the bus for the elderly woman…. make note. If they cut the line to get in front of others, listen to their actions. If they are rude or speak down to the waitress, start tying your shoes. If they ignore when someone falls off their chair, run the other way as fast as your legs will carry you.
Paula’s book,”Escaping the Boy,” describes life with a character disordered person. Putting her book in the hands of someone, and listening to their feedback, can help you detect whether or not they related to the harm that was described. The ability of an emotionally intact person to empathize will be obvious.
All the best-
Joyce
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Thank you, Joyce. Great insight that you’ve shared!! I never thought to use my book that way, but you may be on to something. 🙂
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I know! When people comment to me about my book, I can immediately read where their head is at. Either they get it or they don’t. When they don’t, I ask myself why. It’s convinced me that there are far more sociopaths in the world than we give credit to. We’re living in a very Narcissistic universe. One day a guy I know was listening in to a conversation I had with a woman over my book. He immediately started arguing that lying to someone to have sex couldn’t possibly be a form of sexual assault. “It doesn’t hurt anyone!” I just shook my head hopelessly when he said he was going to take a poll among his buddies. The next time I saw him he said, “Ya know…. I asked my friends, and they think you’re nuts!” I said, “I think you need new friends!” I ran into him the other day and he said, “Joyce, Ya know those guys I talked to about your book?” I thought I was going to get another dig so I just shrugged and said, “Yup, I remember.” “One of them was arrested last week for domestic violence, and the other was fired for stealing from his employer.” Big hug!J Joyce M. Short Twitter: @ jm_short, #RapeByFraud https://twitter.com/jm_short Facebook: Carnal Abuse by Deceit Blog: http://www.RapeByFraud.com
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Sociopath is more of a cover as it can be slapped on anyone. It’s the MO’s and signature traits and patterns, that will aid detection.
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Yes, Paula brings up good point. Trust your senses. How it happens is self respect privacy boundary issues naive and or vulnerable. Watch out for ‘counseling’ praise that really just validates and or suits them, pity/sympathy, pejorative demeanor and approval games.
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[…] Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath […]
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We are not always bad some of us live a very private life
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Im a narcissist social path female most of my realationships with.men and friends never work out im very insecure if i dont get satisfaction that i need from others i will cut dem off right away if i feel u dont like me or im not ur cup of tea i probly wont deal with u …i was raised by a narcissist mother im the only child i try not to make exuses for my problems but i do think my mom has alot to do with it i mostly got verbal abuse mostly if i didnt do exactly wat shes.says and wen she say.it my mom who barely did anything for me always tryed to steal my shine …she was very jealous of me wen men will flirt with me she.was try to jump in by saying something …she use to put me down about my looks
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I’ve commented before here, & until tonight I felt all right. I’ve been successfully dodging him for well over a year -no physical contact, no on line contact initiated by me, no replys from me to any initiated by him, & no peeking @ his on line stuff . Great!.,…Maybe…
I know ‘why’ I’m so careful, esp. with avoiding face to face contact. There is some degree of fear which annoys me to no end. I have seen &, heard him in a screaming rage. He is a Very Big person & quite volatile on occasion. But more than that, I really not sure if I would fall for his stories in a face to face situation. I’m not sure if he would physically or verbally try to hurt me, & I’m NOT HAPPY dealing with that, since I have never had to deal with fear of anyone before.
I went through more pure CRAP with this person, & most of it came from him running his mouth overtime, & putting other people up to it. (IE: I actually Really liked this man,, & that’s not something that happens to me often.) Then I find that he is all sneaky smoke & mirrors. I’ve known him now for about 2 1/2 years & I don’t even know his last name! Which probably is helpful to him by minimizing restraining orders. (grin) He has ‘problems’ with women. He freaks them out. To be honest, I never really wanted to find out more info on him because that would involve me poking around to get it. “Don’t poke the bear!” I also assumed that whatever the heck kind of ‘interest’ he had in me would have gone after a long period of No Contact & avoidance.
I guess not?
I may be dealing with this continued harassment because I never did show fear. Perhaps I’m just a lab. rat to him? Maybe we all are? There are times when I think that he is getting even with women. He more than fulfils all the outward criteria of male attractiveness, but doesn’t do well with women. He claims Aspergers, among other problems is why he can’t. That could be so, but does he need to try to psychologically beat women down before he approaches them? He seems very intelligent & capable in other areas of his life. (has held a job long term, drives a car, maintains himself independently & always is well groomed.)
Input anyone…
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Wow do we know the same person
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I am one of those people you dislike
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That’s incredibly gravious of you to identify yourself, so I can avoid you. Thank you. 🙂
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I am dating a narcisstic sociopath…HELP!! I was friends with this girl for nearly 8 years, had a great friendship for many years until one day she starts to pursue me. She claims she always liked me. But now I am beginning to know the real person behind our friendship
Anyone else been through this and helpful tips on how to “unattach yourself and set yourself free” Thank you!
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Hi Steve.
I think you need to sit this woman down in person (not via e mail or social media) & tell her that you do not wish to continue the relationship. Do this in a kind & firm way. You have known this person for a long time so, if she tries to change your mind, you probably have some idea of the tactics that she might use. It might not hurt to ‘rehearse’ to counter her arguments.
Please be aware that if she is a true Narc./Soc., you are going to loose some mutual friends.
Do not delay in telling her how you feel. Do not give her false hope, & don’t “Try to be Kind” by letting her down gradually. Don’t be mean, but if it looks like you cannot go back to being friends, it might be safer for you to cut all ties.
Never assume that they will get the message by avoidance or being chilly. If she is a true N/S she will try to guilt you, & claim that you were not honest with her, or accuse you of being ambiguous, being passive aggressive, or playing games. The reason I’m saying that you need to talk to her Now, is that if things get hairy you may not be able to talk to her at that point without getting put into a bad situation. If anything, you won’t second guess yourself later about ‘Did I do the right thing by her & was I fair & hones with her’
In my personal experience, I should have spoken directly to this person right away. I don’t know if it would have made much difference to his reactions, & hostile actions, but at least I would not have questioned my own character later in dealing with it.
(I did say what I needed to say on line. I know from his angry reaction that this person got the message, – loud & clear, but N/C’s don’t seem to be able to process things that do not work to their advantage or satisfaction.)
I wish you he best of luck Steve!
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I share in your pain Steve. I’m just now recognizing that the woman I love is narcisstic and may be sociopathic. She has a lot of the traits. Uses people, lath of empathy for others. Everything is me, me, me. I’m treated as an extension of her. She never wants to do what I want to do, or watch movies that I want to watch. It’s all about her. She even fishes for compliments.
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@TIiffany. This is crazy making at it’s finest. This happened to me so many times. If you continue to stay and get no support through counseling and friends, if you have any, you will start to doubt what you are witnessing. This is what they want. Don’t let this happen!
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My ex used to tell me that I was his “home.” I struggled for a while how to figure out how to classify him, but I gave up. All that truly matters is that he is a monster and he hurts people. But reading through both lists of traits indicative of each personality, nearly every single one of them is true for him. It actually made me sick to my stomach as memories came flooding back for every indicator on the list.
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This described my last four relationships over the last 16 years. So what is wrong with me ?
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There is nothing wrong with you, Anonymous. You just don’t recognize and value what is right with you and put your needs before others. I’m sure you see these people as sympathetic characters, stray and/or abandoned dogs that everyone before you discarded and you wanted to be the one to help them. Well, they don’t want your help just your pity n order to take advantage and suck dry all of your energy and knowledge and understanding and patience. Was it worth being sucked dry just to be shamed and humiliated by the very people your thought you loved and would sacrifice your time and worth just to elevate their worth? Of course it wasn’t worth it because look where you found yourself…on this blog trying to make sense of the senseless. It’s time to take back your power and worth and put YOU at the number 1 position in your life. Without self-care and self-love, we can’t offer care and love to others. People like thise don’t reciprocate love and care; they just take, take, take. You’re perfect as you are and it’s time to take inventory of yourself. 🙂
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Hi Everyone, I posted on here a few months ago and I was a complete mess. I came to Asia in August to visit family just to get away from the sociopath I was with. He was still in contact in my first few weeks here and although I had no intention of getting back together with him when I returned home I found myself still swept up in all the drama. Anyway one weekend he disappeared all weekend. Usually he goes out gets drunk and then contacts me. This weekend was different, even talking to him on Whatsapp before he went out I knew something was up. Even half way round the world. When he wants to confuse me he talks in riddles and was giving me info but I knew it was all half truths.
Anyway he was with another woman, someone he went to school with who has just recently joined facebook. I found this out because the following weekend he sent me a message on fb with his gps on, He was in a small village in the middle of nowhere (he does not drive and all round lazy) I asked him what he was doing there, apparently he was delivering and fitting a kitchen with his brother (bullshit) he was calling me nuts, crazy, I am mental. I was not actually acting any of these things I just kept asking him why he has to lie about everything all the time. He did the classic of then completely changing the subject to his health (he has type one diabetes)I just said ‘I don’t care, I have read all about people like you, changing the subject to get out of telling the truth”. The weird thing is I really did not care by this point who he was with I was fed up of being taken for a fool so I did a small amount of detective work on his fb friends and found a girl at the top of his friends list her profile was public and turns out she is from the small village he sent the message from.
I was angry that he was still trying to manipulate and control me so finally I blocked him on fb, whatsapp and every other source I could. This is single handedly THE BEST thing I have done. It was not easy at first and I was harbouring a lot of anger towards him, especially when he is due in court on the 16th Dec for attacking me (again) but I kept repeating to myself “just let it go kate, whats done is done” saying this calmed me down.
I have also heard stories in the past about his exes and the emotional and physical abuse. I decided to take a risk and contact one. She messaged me back and told me she nearly contacted me when she saw I was dating him 3 yrs ago to warn me. She detailed the abuse she was put through. He uses all the same lines..it was very strange but in a weird way comforting that I was speaking to someone who knew EXACTLY what I went through. The charm, the sob stories, excessive drinking, the physical and emotional abuse, financial support, the manipulation, compulsive lying about everything.
Hearing this something clicked in my head (finally) and although I knew he was a nutter but this made me really face up to the severity of the abuse I suffered with him. It has now been two months of no contact. He probably thinks he has hurt me by finding a new gf. God knows what lies he has spun her but he has actually done me a MASSIVE favour. I think about it less and less every day now. I am still going to have some counselling on my return home to the UK just to talk it through with a trained professional face to face and I still have more of this journey to go but I have 7 more weeks in Asia to enjoy xmas with my fam. I have lost 42lb, have a great tan, I am laughing again and I feel free for the first time in years. Things are on the up
Things I have learnt….No contact is said for a reason, it works. The sociopath is not too good for you it’s the other way round, do not get confused. Time really does heal. I am also learning more about myself, how strong I actually am and if I can get through this I can get through anything.
Keep going and do not cumulate your losses, although tempting, its self destructive and remember nothing can be as bad as being stuck in that painful destructive cycle they create. Read, read, and read some more about them, it has helped me so much. Thank you!
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I’m thrilled you are doing so well, Kate!! Thank you for sharing your amazing recovery and successes. There’s more good coming for you. 🙂
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Laughing and free – love it 🙂 Good for you, Kate.
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[…] Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath. […]
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my daughter (Age 16) had an off and on relationship with someone like this. I can’t even begin to tell you the havoc he had on our entire family. He has since moved and I know he is already after a new victim. I hope and pray that her family sees him for what he is.. He wrecked my daughters self esteem and pushed her to be someone she wasn’t. He manipulated me as well. He saw me as a target as well as I tend to care about people and their well being. Your article has helped me understand this type of person and its freeing to know I am surrounded by others who have dealt with this..
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I’m very sorry you had to see your daughter go through this.
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Starr,
Didn’t mean to scare you. Everyone is a bit different. To be fair, I never told N not to contact me or block him. With him I knew that would only be giving him attention ironically. I elected to take another route and just remain silent or when I did actually speak with him, I was calm and unaffected by whatever he was spewing. I would also remove myself from the situation whether on the phone or in person by saying I had to go. After a while he realized he wasn’t getting what he wanted from me. The recent scattered attempts don’t bother me – I just ignore them.
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Yes, Starr, & Stronger…they are not all alike. Some just go. Some tentatively try & then give up easily.
Paula, I have not been insulting him. He just spread his sob story around, & people that believe him are yapping @ me. I have not responded in kind. I don’t know these people & don’t know what was said to them
One reason why I got the Willies from this situation from the get-go was how he brought unrelated people into it. People I didn’t know accusing me of things that I Didn’t do. When I 1st met him, he asked me out, gave me his name address & asked my name & where I lived. I didn’t give my name & was not very specific about where I lived.
I assumed that he was in his early to mid 40’s. Not so..He claims to be in his mid 30’s which is a Lot too young for me. Even without all the other insanity, that was just too much for me to deal with.
So after dodging him for a year, now he gets people to call me “Ugly, “Hag”, etc.. I guess this is his revenge? “Crazy old broad chasing him” ?
I’m saying that he should Believe what he says about me & go bother someone ‘appropriate’.
. I don’t have to believe that stuff, cuz it’s not so. (Maybe he ought to stop asking ‘Hags’ out?)
Cdn. Thanksgiving Monday. an elderly lady, over 6 feet tall stopped outside my house & started screaming & yelling, while glaring @ me through the window, His Grandma? Her height suggested that she might be. I just got away from the window & let her rave.So I’m one of the things they discussed over Thanksgiving dinner? WHY!?
Thing is, he was hacking & tracking me before on line. I bought a lap top to shake him. If he wasn’t still hacking & snooping, he wouldn’t know anything that was said here or elsewhere…..
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I am hoping this will work for me as I am fearful to incite his anger more by using a restraining order. When we exchange our son I try to look as ugly and run down as possible and I am just starting to try not to react to anything he says. I pray it works and that he will find someone else to be completely engrossed in. Right now he tries to make me feel bad and fearful in order to get back together. Why I don’t know since he was always the one threatening to leave and get sex somewhere else! Makes no sense.
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I have to agree with Pennyfarthing. I’ve known N for 2 years, only dated for 4 mos. I thought like a normal relationship he would just go away, especially if I did not initiate contact. I was wrong. For the last year and a half he has attempted contact several times – always when he was in need. Never to see how I was or with any regard for my well being. Once we stopped being sociable, if we spoke I no longer held my tongue. I didn’t care anymore if I upset him. I told him I didn’t feel he was a true friend, that he was only concerned about himself, that he had ignored boundaries and got visibly upset or went silent when boundaries were enforced. That what he expected from me and what I got from him was way off balance. He of course said I was crazy and that there was nothing wrong with our friendship – he said I was just upset because we were no longer dating. Truth was at first I actually thought we could be friends but he was no better at friendship than he was at dating. He was the same self-absorbed SOB. Only now I didn’t care if he “liked” me or not – I wasn’t excusing or blaming his behavior on what he experienced in his past the way I tried to do when we were dating. I didn’t care if he just disappeared. I should be so lucky.
At first weeks would go by and I would think ok, that’s it. Then I would be woken in the middle of the night by calls. If I didn’t answer he would call again and again. If I ignored a text he would follow up with another text asking why I didn’t respond. A normal person would think, maybe I shouldn’t call this person I’m no longer dating and haven’t talked to in over a month 5 times at 3 am. Maybe they don’t want to talk to me. They don’t string things together or just don’t care. Like Pennyfarther, I too learned his pattern and knew that if he was attempting to contact me it was because he was in one of his down cycles and had no supply to turn to. Whatever it was you can believe to him he was in crisis and being ignored was not an option. Again, his calling had nothing to do with me – he was in need. Time would go by and I could almost sense when he would call. I started turning off my phone at night and in the morning I would have several missed calls from him. It seems just when I think he’s gone for good, there it is.
So by all means, work on yourself, take responsibility, go no contact, keep boundaries but also know that splitting from these people is an experience in and of itself.
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Hi, I just want to say I couldn’t agree more with your last statement. It is extremely difficult to get rid of a narcissist. At times, it can feel like a full-time job, in which a part of me believes that is there intention: to waste as much of your time as possible.
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Pennyfarthing and Stronger01 you are scarying me I will never get rid of him. I am down to a couple of emails a day but knowing that there are no boundaries for him. I am sure when he gets rejected (apparently he has 30 women waiting to date him according to one of his emails) I can expect contact. I am glad I blocked him on my phone so he can’t text me but he can still leave voice messages. It is really unsettling when you receive unwanted contact. His emails can get kind of weird too. It seems to help me to read others stories they are so similiar and it is helping make sense of what’s happening to me.
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Thanks! It’s been a month and he hasn’t try to contact me. We work in the same place and I haven’t even seen him although he is still works there. I know security and HR spoke to him after I gave them the order so maybe they trying to stay away not to lose his job which I find extremely weird since I know he is very careless and doesn’t follow rules. I’m staring to think he’s trying to “behave” so he can get it lifted or maybe his new victim is satisfying his needs. And thanks for the suggestion, I actually read the book right after me and this individual finish our “relationship” and I suspected he was a sociopath. But after reading it I comfirmed it. Great book! Thanks!
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These people are in your life for a very specific reason, that is, they identify your weaknesses. If you were strong your encounter with them would be very brief. Since these people are attracted to weak people, it says a lot about you. Instead of hating them, take responsibility for your part in allowing these people in your lives. Take responsibility for your weaknesses. This is not an attack on you, this is to inform you to take control of your life, as they take control of theirs. PUT YOURSELF FIRST. They are not the cause of your suffering, you are. They simply facilitate and affirm your beliefs about yourself whether consciously or unconsciously. Seriously, if you loved yourself, if you trusted your feelings and believed in yourself, the very instant you perceived something was not quite right with your relationship you would have dealt with it and if you continued to feel a sense of uneasiness you would have left it knowing that you were right to move on even if you could not quite pinpoint what it was that was wrong. Since these people are master manipulators it is their job to be subtle with their deception, it is your job to listen to your instincts.
The emotions of fear, rejection, abandonment etc are what attract these people to you…they recognize them in you even if you do not. What they will do is give you exactly what you fear. This is a good thing because it allows you to recognize what beliefs about yourself that is not serving you and gives you the opportunity to make changes that serves your higher good. It is all about you; not them. UNDERSTAND THIS, YOU ARE MEANT TO FEEL GOOD ALL THE TIME. UNHAPPINESS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A TEMPORARY SITUATION that communicates something is wrong and it needs to be fixed. Liken it to a toothache, your teeth are never meant to hurt you, if they do you know that you need to get it seen to so that you can feel good again. It is the same with ALL of you.
Another blessing that these people may have brought to your awareness is the the feeling of love that felt amazing. Guess what, at least you know what love feels like, you own that feeling not them as they cannot feel and have no idea of such a beautiful feeling, can you imagine how empty they must feel all the time. You are far more powerful than they are as you have the capacity to experience all the beautiful emotions that are associated with love. You have what they want, but they can never have. Maybe that is why they have such a deep rooted hate and anger that makes them so contemptuous of humanity and in order to get back at humanity they hurt them. Remember, hurt people ultimately hurt people.
Also, in order for them to be liked by others they have to fake a likable personality because if they were their true selves they would be hated and would not get very far in life. This is so very evident by the very fact that people discard of them once they are aware of their true identity. So you see, they truly are powerless, and it is you who have the power. You have to liken them to a bully, once you drop the fear you render them powerless and they move on to their next weak victim.
The remedy is to learn to love and value yourself, you have the right to be happy and at peace and you will never find that with these type of people.
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Thank you, Joe. Admitting weakness and accepting it is certainly one of the toughest aspects of healing and transforming from this. 🙂
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Thanks for pointing out we have the power to move on and if we were not weak we would never of stayed. The reason I came to this site and looking for answers regarding what just happened to me was because I have never been in a relationship that was abusive. I was at a temporary low point in my life when I met him as I was going through a divorce after a 10 year relationship. I am educated and the nature of my work requires me to be self aware. Paula has pointed out they gravitate toward compassionate empathetic people. He would play on this and each time I was ready to break up he would say he was all alone and there was always a situation why he made me feel I would be heartless to leave him. They are master manipulators and are able to find your weaknesses and exploit them. My weakness is taking on the caregiver role and I am a nurturer. Although I always thought this was a strength I had he would exploit this so it became a weakness. He had me feeling sorry for him using pity as a way to keep me in the relationship. As he had convinced me we were soul mates I felt there was lots of reasons to stay. I overlooked the verbal abuse. His cheating was something I would not overlook and gave me enough to leave the three years of hell sprinkled with enough heaven (love bombing) to get me to stay.
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Joe makes some good points but let’s not discount how deceitful NPDs can be. Most of us are not accustomed to being skeptical of the sincerity of others. I do not believe it is a weakness to have empathy for others. Many people in my life say I am the strongest person they know. I have overcome, I am self-made and there is not a lot I need that I don’t have or can not obtain on my own. I mistakenly thought that I could help someone else do the same. I believed what I was told and I believe those things were true but the motive behind the story was not honest and that is something you don’t see right away.I don’t meet people on any level expecting them to lie to me. I don’t judge them as guilty until proven innocent. Someone may have problems but it doesn’t necessarily mean they are a bad person. Unfortunately, it takes a bit of time to figure that out. The mask come off as we say and depending on how entangled you are, it can take time to cut yourself free, even when you are strong.
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Joe Boggs- Thank you for your comment. Taking responsibility is the first step to healing.
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I have been involved in a 2 year relationship with a lady I think is a sociapath , as I learned about into month 4 of some issues , I told myself I could fix this , after confronting her she just would not admit anything even after I had tangible evidence . My problem came when I loved the sex and much as she liked all the stuff
Then when she would threaten to leave I went into panic ( rejection/abandonment ) mode
And I would always take a better trip, buy a bigger prize to make it feel right
Then she was smart enough to figure that out,
I hated the thought of her leaving me.
Well she did leave, but we kept seeing each other as FEB and of course on her terms
I feel terriable about what I had let happen, money I spent , work I lost
All the above and yet still find hard to walk away
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Anonymous, It’s hard to just walk away when you were in it for love, real bonded love. Severing that bond is never easy. Especially, when it’s made obvious that your bond was to a person incapable of love. It was a trick. It’s tough to rationalize and accept. We refuse it. We remain in denial about it.
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To Joe Boggs:
Like Starr, I was in a really bad place. Looking after a parent with Alzheimers for years had made a physical & mental wreck of me. He must have known this. He also has acquired brain injury, or so he says. I guess this made me seem like I might be vulnerable.
It took me a very short time to see that this was a very bad idea, but he simply keeps bouncing back.
I don’t even have to check any posts he makes to know that he has had yet another break up with another GF. I start seeing him several times a week, passing in traffic with a look or a wave @ me. (How the Hell does he know where I am ?!) Or he stops in front of my house. Or a creepy email. (He was never given my email addy, he just hacked it) He has had 3 break ups in the last 10 (?) months, & each & every time he’s back.
Realizing your boundaries & limitations is all very well Joe, but getting THEM to respect them is another matter. If they knew how to do this, they would have empathy, & understanding & the people that they hurt would not be writing on this board. It’s not as easy as you think to get it through someone’s head that you are just not going to accommodate them.
Stalking. hacking, spying are part of some of these people’s notion of ‘caring’. They will do it, if they have had success in the past with former GF’s. Maybe even if they didn’t succeed, it’s probably ‘fun’ for them to harass people who reject them. “HOW DARE THEY!”
They feel ownership of other people. We are objects.
Either he or one of his brothers has currently taken to spending time @ a house that abuts my house..It’s not a crime to have friends. I get catcalls from that house, or loud screaming of personal insults when he passes my house. He works close to me & has relatives that live close.
This is clearly Abnormal behaviour, but for some reason, to him it’s perfectly normal.
We can take control of our own lives, but some of these people will make it a struggle for us. I just hope that he takes the personal insults seriously, believes them, & Never appears in my life again!
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Insulting these people directly seems to work, at least from my experience at least. 🙂
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I am trying to survive restarting my life after 32 years of an abusive marriage to a narcissist/sociopath. I lost everything I ever worked for including a mortgage foreclosure , over $50,000 of IRS debt, he never filed the taxes and taking care of an autistic 24 year old son. I have been searching for answers but too busy trying to financially survive. I look forward to reading the book.
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I am very sorry. I hope my book helps and leads you to other resources.
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Its so very true they exploit at some extent vulnerable or weak and for this reason extremly kind people, they turn them into victimized co dependents as they have this narcissistic supply need or addiction satisfied only when the victims are consistantly devalued by their actions abuse mistreatment , it takes time to set boundaries but also no one is immune and even the strongest person can be betrayed manipulated victimized for a while if he or she is just a good person self confident enough for loving or bonding to other people or in need of a decent relationship, companion , marriage etc
As a matter of fact , to be vulnerable or weak one has to be self confident and undertake risks as well.:)
Thank s Joe thank you Paula
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This so true.i was married to one for 13 years and we have four children together.weveere divorced in May and he was married in June.i found out he had been cheating on me with multiple women during our marriage.i was in shock but now I see all the red flags that were in front of me.constant feeling of thinking I was crazy and he even had my family convinced I was nuts until the truth came out.thank God for the order of protection I have against him because he can’t eadily continue to manipulate me.i just hope my kids do not turn out like him
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Joe, whilst I completely agree with what you have said (victims of narcissists have no boundaries and they use that against us), please know that people who have broken free from a controlling narcissist are broken and trying to heal from being love bombed, gaslighted, alienated and their self worth has been stripped. To use a ‘blame stance’, ie: tell victims to take responsibility for their ‘weakness/es’ is tantamount to perpetuatung the abuse that broke us in the first place. Please remember these ‘weaknesses’ are actually our strengths in moderation: we are loving, empathetic, nurturing, helpful and often have a rescuer complex. These are actually good qualities in moderation and a better, healthier way to help us heal is to remind us to be more selective in who we choose to allow into our lives, not tell us to be different people. Remember narcissists and/or sociopaths have an illness, not their victims.
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Wow!! This is what I would say to someone, if I was on the outside looking in. Thank You! seriously, I needed to read you insight., I am in a relationship with a man, defined by six narcissistic traits and thirteen sociopathic traits, I am disgusted at myself, it hurts! His true self was revealed 2 years ago, after many battles lost, tears, and apologies by me. I just keep my mouth shut. I have almost lost my spirit. He knows what he is doing, right? Maybe not the right verbiage, but he knows he is a self-serving prick, Right? I have told my friends, many times over, what keeps me here <— him sitting next to me, is the need for him to admit I am not crazy, he has used me, lied (he can be caught red handed and still lie), and cared none…. But noooo of course he loves me and if I would stop doing whatever (wanting affection, intimacy, understanding and respect) he won't do the hateful, spiteful things he does to me or some other meandering bullshit. Pardon my language. Thank you again.
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Wow!! This is what I would say to someone, if I was on the outside looking in. Thank You! seriously, I needed to read you insight., I am in a relationship with a man, defined by six narcissistic traits and thirteen sociopathic traits, I am disgusted at myself, it hurts! His true self was revealed 2 years ago, after many battles lost, tears, and apologies by me. I just keep my mouth shut. I have almost lost my spirit. He knows what he is doing, right? Maybe not the right verbiage, but he knows he is a self-serving prick, Right? I have told my friends, many times over, what keeps me here <— him sitting next to me, is the need for him to admit I am not crazy, he has used me, lied (he can be caught red handed and still lie), and cared none…. But noooo of course he loves me and if I would stop doing whatever (wanting affection, intimacy, understanding and respect) he won't do the hateful, spiteful things he does to me or some other meandering bullshit. Pardon my language. Thank you again.
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He knows he’s hurting you but doesn’t care. He feels entitled to be a self-serving prick. 🙂 I am sorry you are dealing with this, Tiffany.
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I’m so grateful for finding this website. I’ve been with a man for 2 years who shows all of the traits of a narcissistic sociopath. I am not the same happy bubbly girl I was 2 years ago. He has completely destroyed my self esteem and inner joy through emotional manipulation(incredibly subtle! Like if you try to describe to do someone in detail how he’s behaved, it’s very hard to pin point one thing, because it’s an accumulation of little things but put together it’s huge)
He started out overly showering me with love and charm. A week after we met he claimed “do you know I think im starting to feel something special for you” or ” i think im already in love with you” compliments, affection, the works. Then a few months in the control started. Telling me I had to stop dancing with my friends because it wasn’t a respectable thing to do. Trying to stop me seeing certain friends. If we ever argued it was Never his fault. Always talking about himself and his grand success in life (he thinks he is going to be like Floyd may weather) a business that he has apparently been running or involved in(for 7 years!) that is going to make him a millionaire (but all he does is sit in front of his laptop and do f**k all) yet he’s poor, is always charming or manipulating those around him to give him things, money, whatever he can get. He exists by living of others financially but he does it in such a way, it’s like he gets away with it as ‘okay’ or ‘normal.’ Hacked my laptop (and checked my phone) and accused me of doing or looking at porn, and also cheating and lying on him which I have never done (while later on it has transpired he was looking at filth beyond belief on his own laptop, and is having numerous chats/photo swaps with other women around the world, and these conservation’s including sexual pictures as well as the emotional charm crap he was doing to me at the beginning, almost like he was always having a “few on the boil’ so to speak) A person who you always felt unsure around. Like there was always mystery with him, like things never added up. He would say one thing, then a w months or weeks later the story changed or had new or deleted details. Holes or mysteries in his past relationship stories. I have since spoken to his ex (a lovely women) whose tale of the relationship was very different from his!! Yet out of all this he claims I’m a “bitch” I’m not a seRious woman, I’m the one who is sick in the head, I’m the one who didn’t change and do ‘as he told me to do” incredibly intoxicating sexually, smells good, dresses well, flirts, charms, everyone who knows him In the community “thinks he’s a great guy” or “he’s a good man” ran away from home when he was a small child, living on the streets. I almost feel this comment has to become note form as the list and experiences are too many to explain or describe. Building up false hopes and things to come or things he’ll do with me (but never does them) sabotaging anything that was going to make me happy, like an event with friends or family, a holiday. How did he do it? By choosing the optimum moment (usually moments before the event or by sending a message/s during it) able to be happy for me or things I liked. Anything I like he would make me feel bad for liking it by saying it was stupid or boring or not a respectable thing to do. He only had Me and one other friend who seemed close. Everyone else loved him buy from a far. The other friend is his only surviving friend over a long period of time(he also shows signs of bring a NS) as he can make friends and lovers easily enough but he cannot keep them. As everyone who gets close or on a deeper level susses him out. When he’s sussed, he’ll move on but continuing to hold you, hurt you by game playing. It’s all so subtle! But incredibly powerful in bring so destructive. I feel like my identity is lost and he’s taken away my soul. I since found in my 2 weeks or trying to abstain from seeing him or talking to him much, he’s already been out with another women) if you cut the attention and love, they loose interest. If they get no response they quickly need a response else where. But I am going to fight back and I will get through this. The only way is by going cold turkey. That’s what I believe. He’s sucked me det of my joy. I look at myself in the mirror and say I’m not attractive, or that I don’t have value. But He’s made me feel that way. And that’s thier plan. To break you down but by bit so they have the ultimate control. I don’t think he ever loved me or even knows how to love. It’s all a game. And I truly believe if I make this break away properly, he won’t even care thar much. He’s already got others on the boil. Thank you for this page. Has helped me a lot and love to all those out there going through this. We can and will get out!
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It’s so unfortunate, but most of these people who think he’s a good guy WILL find out that he isn’t. And there is nothing you or I can do to speed along that awareness process for them. It WILL happen. Hopefully, when it does, you will be so far removed and healed that you’ll be able to smile and extend your hand to support those who come after you. Validation is key to recovery. I hope you realize that you are not to blame and that you can move forward into the light with greater awareness of yourself and your abilities, especially your intuitive abilities that you and all of us allowed to crumble under the pressure of our tormentors. Never again. You can grow to be more empowered than ever before. It’s starts with accepting yourself…flaws and all…and truly believing that you matter and you are worthy of being free from shame and blame. 😦
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I was involved with a narcissist sociopath for a year and a half. When he found his new source of supply, he dropped me dead cold and went no contact. I got over him fast – I valued my worth more and I think discovering he was a sociopath after the fact definitely played in the part of moving on. I paid attention to the true colors he showed me. I don’t know how he found out but today he texted me out of the blue, said something about himself first – obviously lol, then congratulated me some happy news on my life. And that was that. Nothing. Just odd and radom. If these kind of people have no apathy or care about us anymore, why keep our phone numbers, why reach out just to say one thing? It just doesn’t make sense. I have applied a new rule to myself – if the person isn’t in my life – someone I have put in the past or chose to be in the past – is irrevelant to me now. If people who come in your life want to stay in it, they will or they won’t. Their choice.
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They keep coming back to see if the candy store is open. That’s why. Are you available to satisfy his immediate need for supply? If yes…great! If not…he can just go to the next storefront. 🙂
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My Bf did the same with my computer. He is an IT computer guy. He was always monitoring me yet he was the one cheating. He had posted two ads on Craigslist casual encounters with his picture on it!It’s been about 7 weeks and only just over a week I have decided no contact is the only way to keep me sane. This was his last email to me two hours ago. I’m posting it for others to see “I love and hate you this is not right it’s torture and brings the worst out in someone why if u cared would put me through this after the year I just had what gratification do you get assuming I cheated on you and I’m no good I was in your bed every night Imade sure things ran smoothly I was part of the family on a whim you destroy my life karma will come back to you it’s not right talk to me” Yup it’s crazy making and the karma going to get you almost feels like a threat.
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Wow, Starr! Thank you for sharing this. “I love and hate you…” — that says it all. 😦
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One of the things that gets me more angry about these sociopaths and narcissists is how you said everybody thinks of them as nice, charming people. After we broke up an she tried to beg me to come back into my life he would tell people a somewhat made story of me “breaking his heart” and that despite of this he wanted me back because he had put his pride aside and forgave me. And these people actually believed him until I told them my side of the story and how he stole from me and how he abused me emotionally and verbally. But still other people se him as this friendly and mostly “funny” guy. I think this is what he used to get people to like him and get their attention with his “sense of humor.” Eventhough in his jokes he usually makes fun of people. I recently found out he is dating a new girl and it honestly sucks to know that he will use someone else and hurt them ask much as he hurt me. I just wished everyone knew who really hides underneath his skin. But like u also said these people barely have friends. This guy does not have any friends probably bc at a point people always see how selfish and evil he is. I feel like people soemtimes might not know these peopel are sociopaths but once they get to know them and the socipaths shows them their point of view and thinking on several subjects you can tell that their is something wrong with the person. Others have told me how he’s way of thinking is just not right. These people are unbelievable I find them so pathetic. I had posted on this website during the summer explaining how this sociopath was trying to get back into my life after hurting me. There was a point where he left me alone for like a month but again started bothering me and begging to take him back, claiming that he “loved” me and I finally made the choice to put a restraining order on him. Since I kept record of all the msqs and calls and even recorder him wenever he approached me and even when he called me names after not being able to convience to get bak into his miserable life. Thanks to this my order was granted. It’s been a month and he hasn’t bother me. I’m hoping that with this order he doesn’t ever again in his life gets close to me and now that he has a new victim I see it less likely to happen. I just hope she soon finds out that this guy is crazy and leaves him.
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They desire everyone to pity them…that is their biggest tool to influence and fool people. Dr. Martha Stout mentions this type of game play in her book, “The Sociopath Next Door,” which I highly recommend that you read. There is a link to it in the right menu under Books for Survviors. I hope your restraining order continues to work. Often times, RO’s simply encourage them to come up with new avaneues and opportunities to deceive.
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hi love ive been in this sort off relationship for ova 3 years he as comman law wife off 35 years weve spoke on line only the other day an shes explained to me wat a nps is im a complete wreck at mo we met on line ova three years ago an he first started to charm me by sending me a ring to wear on my wedding finger telling me how much he loved me etc all lies now ive found things out abt him hes in custody at mo since dec on homicide charges he did in 2007 i just need to get bac to my bubbly self an b very wary in future
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Amy,
You’re here on this site – that should tell you all you need to know.
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What does it mean if he fits MANY of the sociopath traits but only 4 of the narcissist trait definitions? I’m not sure if I should be worried about this guy.
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Are you sure about how this guy makes you feel? You know your answer intuitively. These lists of traits are intended to guide you to the truth that you keep pushing down and away from you consciousness.
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My Ex Wife is a perfect example of this. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and told me I was the crazy one. I came home one evening and found her in the bedroom with two men, caught in the middle of the act of having a three-way. When she saw me standing at the door with one guy in her mouth and the other guy with a bigger than a horse’s you know what pounding her va- J/J, I will never forget the look she gave me, while gagging on a fat sauage, like so what, I do what I want. I just stood there speechless, afraid to join in, but unable to run.
When I left the house and came home later, she denied the whole thing and said I was lying and that it never happened.
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OMG! Holy hell! I will never understand how they can drop any sense of dignity and then stand before us stone-faced and gaslight us. What a piece of ick!! I’m sorry you witnessed such a deception and were so deeply hurt.
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I’m reading the comments, and unable to decide if my belief that I might have been dating a narcissistic sociopath for three years is me being selfish, or me holding on to something that hurt me, or something true.
I met him in high school–in 10th grade–and knew that I wanted to be his friend, but mostly that I wanted to be with him. I was very clean cut at this time, but had a history of dating boys that were the opposite of that (and by date, I mean ‘2 week high school realtionships,’ really, I was clean cut. When him and his girlfriend of two years broke up, he was a mess: he talked to me about wanting to kill himself and that he was going to go raving because he wanted to forget. I told him to talk to me, instead. I am guilty of always wanting to fix people, and this was no exception. And while he did have a lot of dark days ahead,I didn’t cut him out.
During this time, I noticed his weird behaviors, but I was a stupid high school girl, and attracted to it. We talked non-stop online, every day, and I would play along easily with his games. I always talked about myself in the third-person with him. I let him say things about my parents that I have never regretted more. I let him say horrible things about people of different color, religious, nationality and more simply because he was him. And, I fell for him. Somehow, I was special and I liked that.
After we started dating, everything slowly changed. He went to college, an hour drive away, and I began lying to my parents and sneaking away for weekends with him. I want to say now that this wasn’t about sex; I was in high school, and a virgin. On my second weekend visitation with him, he told me that he was hurting a lot and wanted to do acid. Did I mind if he did it while I was there? I told him I wanted to do it with him, too, and although he resisted at first, he let me. I had never drank alcohol, smoked weed or lit a cigarette before this, but I knew I would never understand him unless I tried, too.
I won’t go into this much detail as we go on, but I fell into acid usage, pot smoking, ecstasy, mushrooms and more as time went on. I know that sociopathic behavior is similar to that of an addict, but his behavior went beyond addiction: even when drugs weren’t an active part of our realtionship, things were bad.
He told me that he knew he had been chosen to be the one that would survive, and he knew that I was supposed to be the girl to stay with him. . Survive what? I never asked. I preferred not to know just how off he seemed to be. He told me to stop wearing skirts if he wasn’t around, to not paint my nails or wear earrings because I was ruining what was his. I was not allowed to talk to friends that he didnt’ approve of, and I was expected to be rude to, or ignore classmates that didn’t fit his idea of a good person. He told me not to touch myself, and refused to have sex with me because he wouldn’t use a condom, and didn’t allow me to use birth control. He told me if I got pregnant in high school he would force me to keep it (unless it was a boy, because he only wanted little girls). He cheated on me and slept with another girl, once, but even then when I begged him to make it better by sleeping with me (I know, high school girl mentality), but he refused.
He bought me an engagement ring and told me to tell my parents we were engaged or he would start doing heroin, so I did. He told me everything would be fine, but it wasn’t. My parents were ashamed and I was forbidden to see him, but with them, he told me what to tell them and they lightened up and let me see him more and more, though I told them we both knew the engagement was a mistake and a joke, though he still saw us as engaged. I wasn’t allowed to see my friends, and I was being given diet pills (caffeine, essentially) to take during school so that I could stay awake; I was staying up all night with him doing drugs, raving, and keeping him company.
It’s hard to explain how i knew I was being manipulated, and the thing that kills me is that I was are the whole time. We dated until I went to college, and within two weeks (though I was in the same town, just about an hour away), he got angry with me for living on a co-ed floor, and for talking to any other boys. I told him it was over, and he called me telling me was going to kill himself if I didn’t take it back. I called his mother and told him what happened, and asked her to watch over him because I would be blocking his number. After that, he still tried to call me. He still mailed me birthday presents.
I’m very close friends with his sister (who also rarely talks to him). I haven’t talked to him since we broke up. It has been 4 years since I escaped him. And she just told me a few days ago that he just got out of rehab, and that he wouldn’t let her throw something away from his room because “that is a gift for Kayla, when she gets back.”
I don’t think I can go near my hometown longterm ever again. I live in a different country now (long story, doesn’ thave to do with him) but I still fear him coming after me in the future.
I don’t think I explained myself well, but these are things I’ve never talked about, and I just wanted to write it somewhere. Thank you for reading.
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Just a message, it sounds like your ex is a trauma victim/addict and not a sociopath or narc, and you were a teenager who lacked identity and were easily influenced because you were desperate for acceptance.
As teenagers, you were both still developing cognitively, and the drugs and that “scene” stunted and delayed your progress. You both found yourselves stuck in a state of selfishness and self-centeredness and didn’t move toward a state of being confident and independent. He was the natural leader of you both because he had some type of vendetta to fulfill, hence the statement he made related to being the one to survive. He already survived something, and he was seeking justice.
My guess is that you rapidly changed once he no longer influenced you. My guess is that he crashed and went to rehab because he’s not cut out to be so disconnected from his conscience. If he were a sociopath, he wouldn’t even need the drugs to behave as he behaved. I think the drugs, in his case, served as a protective mask against a painful reality which he didn’t want to face.
I’m sorry you are struggling.
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Once every few years, I look for a “refresher” course (to remind me of my progress) and today I was divinely guided to your site.
It has been 9 years since I emerged from the hell that a misguided borderline inflicted on me and my young son. Most of the comments I have read here, were my story, only the actors are different. For those who read this, I assure you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am not defined by my past story anymore and today my new story is about the healthy me. Wise, aware, healthy and have learned to love the wonderful women (me) that always was. PEACE to all those in pain.
Much love to all of you. You can do this!!!!!
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Thank you, Alexandra! So glad to hear you’re doing well! 🙂
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I have run away from the man I lived with in the UK. After reading a lot about sociopath’s I realise he has many traits if not all of them. He is a binge drinker and he physically and mentally beat me as well. My dad lives in Asia and I am now here getting my head straight for the next 5 months. I miss my friends but this is the only way I could get away from Him. He has been in contact while I have been away telling me he loves me blah blah blah but I have since found out he has been back on the dating website (where we met 3 yrs ago) and has been with another ‘victim’ all weekend. I had a feeling he was up to something, and my gut instincts have proved me right again, even from half way around the world.
We met 3 years ago when I was 26, online. He was charming, good looking, funny. He said he had a job but was on his holiday’s. His profile said he had no children (not that kids are a problem) it transpired he has a son who was 9 at the time (who is a lovely boy but in the last 3 years has cut most contact with his dad, mainly due to his dad choosing to go out and get drunk instead of spending time with him when he comes over, and last time his dad got drunk and very confrontational with him and me)
I was a happy go lucky, sociable and successful. I had my own cafe which I loved and I was living with friends when I met him. He persuaded me my friends were ‘walking all over me’ and I should move out the house where I lived with them. I ignored all the red flags and I do not know why.
His job was fabricated, he even went to extremes of texting me to tell me how his day at work was going.
Over the 3 years he told me stories (mostly when he was drunk) about his past and how he was nearly killed in China and how his friend was killed in front of his eyes. Over the 3 years I heard these stories many times and each time they changed, when I brought it up he would get angry and aggressive towards me. I realised he had a major problem with lying.
I let him work in my cafe with me as he was too lazy to get a job, he would often get drunk the night before and tell me to ‘go f**** myself’ when I tried to get him up for work. Often leading me to not being able to open as I just didn’t have the man power to cope. I since got rid of my business I have told myself it was my choice but now I am starting to face up to the fact he played a role in it. I could not cope with him and running a big cafe/catering business on my own.
He started another relationship (well it lasted a few weeks till I found out) with another woman.
He let it all slip when he was drunk (again) and attacked me when I found out. I spoke to the other woman on the phone and the lies he told her were crazy and outlandish. She had two young children as well whom he had met.
He has stolen countless things from me, a laptop, jewellery, money and my ipod which I ended up getting back. He gave it to his 14 yr old niece. I stayed in her room about a yr after it went missing and saw it on the side, I know it was mine because it was a gift from my mum and she had it engraved with my name. I confronted him and he went crazy hitting me and spitting on me calling me all sorts of names, mainly fat pig, ugly pig and saying things like ‘oink oink’.
He was always very regretful the next day and quite frankly I was too exhausted to leave. I put on a lot of weight and generally thought no body would want me now, I am damaged goods.
He has type 1 diabetes as well. One evening he got very drunk and said he was going to take an insulin over dose. He even tried to make me ‘try’ some insulin to prove I loved him. (I didn’t)
He gave me black eyes and then told me to tell everyone at work and all the customers in my cafe I got beaten up in town on a night out (anyone that knows me knows I hate violence and would never get involved in a fight)
I keep thinking its me that is the issue even though I know deep down I am not. He said I was the crazy one and I am mental. Although I left him I still feel used financially, emotionally, physically, mentally and now suddenly dropped. I know I will find no answers and getting closure on this situation is very difficult for me. My family know the basics of what has happened but I am too ashamed to tell them everything. I have small reminders of him with me always, if someone moves their hand quickly I automatically flinch/jump. I think of him immediately and how he has made me like this.
He is due in court in December for assaulting me, the neighbours saw him dragging me around by my hair through a window and called the police. I did not press charges but the police are doing it off their own back. I am still unsure whether to make a statement. (My family and friends know nothing of the assault either) He has contacted me against bail conditions to tell me I am a grass (I did not ring the police) and he did not do anything wrong, I made him do it. He also told me he hoped the plane I was flying to Asia on crashes or I get run over by a bus.
Sorry for writing so much, I could have written pages and pages but just wanted to get a bit of my story out there. It feels better to write it down.
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Thank you for sharing your story, Kate. If there are people in your life that you trust, do not feel too ashamed to sit down and share what you can. His behavior is monstrous and people need to know in order to provide you with the greatest help and understanding. The biggest mistake we often make in the aftermath is fooling ourselves into thinking we’re okay and can handle all of the abuse without anyone’s help. He should not be contacting you and blaming you and trying to intimidate you more into being silent.
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Hi Kate,
I was married to a man with similar problems. You are mot alone. My advice is to get councelling for yourself. Also, do not talk to him at all, it only hurts you and he gets the attention he craves.
You need to cut him off and start working on yourself.
After I broke away, my life has improved amazingly. It took a lot of work and I went through a lot of changes. It’s worth it though. Good luck
Z
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Thank you anonymous and Paula for your comments. It is getting easier as each day goes past and I will have counselling on my return to the UK.
I have now had no contact with him for nearly a week and am feeling much better for it! I have even started going to the gym again to lose the weight i gained.
My best friend keeps e-mailing me with support, giving me reasons to stay away and reminding me of some of the things he has done to me, there have been so many I actually forgot some of them, but it keeps me strong.
I will never go back to him now and I am trying to document everything he I have it on paper rather than churning around in my mind. The problem was there was so much!
It also helps I found this website, its great! I can relate to pretty much every article…so Thank you Paula and everyone else!
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Wow. Its been 3 hours now to me reading all the comments, can barely withhold the tears. I’m now fully convinced my husband has NSD. we began dating two years ago when i was a very depressed individual.
he came in my life like a breath of fresh air, showering me with extravagant love. it was barely a month when he had access to my fb account (of which, i was obviously unaware and he found out, i sent semi-naked photos of myself to a twitter friend i’d never met.) he asked me to wear something nice the next time we’d meet and said he had a surprise for me. so, he played this whole charade and then showed me screenshots of the photos sent, and left me stranded on the road. i cried. i pleaded sorry. but he was remorseless and abandoned me.
suddenly, the following week, he called up and asked to see me..he had discovered that I had all the traits of a borderlined individual and showed me the proof in the form of videos and articles…we cried, we hugged and patched up. from this day on, he had a lot of control over my virtual life. (social life was non-existent since, my father ^a religious muslim, who was also very abusive, had banned me from going out.) somehow, we did manage to meet once in a week. those visits were heavenly. he’d give me so much love…i would be ecstatic and surprised and felt like he was healing me.
this went on for six months until my dad found out that i’d been leaving the house. he beat me up. again. i felt like i could take it no more. that i could no longer stay in such an abusive restrictive environment…and my boyfriend fully supported me. a lot of things went haywire after. the most petrifying one being him being disowned by his parents. which meant, he had to sacrifice his rich boy life for me. he had never been very close to his parents, who gave him a choice between me and them.
so, this meant, we’d be now staying together, in a new city. I had a full=time job, and he stayed at home, for 4 months, looking for a job. when he got the job, our timings started to clash, and we fought a lot. he convinced me to leave my job( and all the ones after). last november, we got married. all was never well, but he always gave me hope with the good times of abundant love. the bad times? he always convinced me it was my mood swings. the violent times? well, according to him, I asked for it. it was shattering, I never thought he could ever raise his hand on me.
there are bouts of violence, sometimes i’ve a swollen eye, a bruised nose or both. he always convinces me, that i start those fights by crying and yelling thus asking for his beating.
My judgement has been really impaired…no matter how much I do for him, it’s never enough to stop him from putting me down. I hate myself for going against my principles and for not leaving, everytime he thrashes me.
Today, I spent the whole day doing chores and made chinese for him. all was good till his friends came over. We were watching funny videos on the computer.. and To my ignorance,one of my shirt buttons came undone. when i saw him giving me that disgusting stare, i realised the blooper and immediately buttoned it. and oh! his desktop wallpaper was me in a bra with him. which he never changed.
when friends left, he accused me of undoing the stupid button deliberately, being an embarrassment and asked me not hang around when his friends come over. he even said, “you could have just gone naked instead.” and when I asked about the wallpaper, he just dismissed it. was a mistake. blah! it’s bewildering how he has different standards for himself and me. He just kept saying that I was an idiot, causing him a lot of distress. when I said he was accusing me for something i did not do, he asked me to stop talking and that I was irritating him by being around.
I’m a complete mess. I’ve given up my life, my financial independence and probably my mental sanity for him.
I really want to follow my instincts, but at the same time, I do not want to feel abandoned and live with the guilt of abandoning him when he needs me the most. (he’s lonely,his parents are cold, mine are now supportive.. we’ve shifted to another city and are working on an online venture together.)
How do I come out of this dungeon?
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He’s counting on you putting his needs before your own and feeling guilty if you do not. Whose opinion and approval of you are you most concerned with having? If you put his opinion of you before your own opinion of yourself, you will never escape. He manipulated you from the beginning and brainwashed you into being dependent upon his approval. You accepted him back into your life after he abandoned you because he convinced you that it was your fault that he abandoned you. He made himself seem like a great and caring guy because, despite you being borderline, he would still accept you. Weren’t you so damn lucky to have him accept you even though he knew what you were, a crazy, borderline who needed his love? He played the role of your savior, which endeared you even more to him. He planted the idea in your head that you were to blame for all of his shitty behavior against you. “You are borderline. You don’t know what’s real and what isn’t because you think everyone who isn’t for you is against you.” He was projecting his disorder onto you; you were his mirror. And now you somehow feel indebted to taking care of him because you think he took care of you. He NEVER took care of you; he controlled you and made you weak and dependent. You don’t know how to make a decision, at this point, without his approval and he certainly isn’t going to approve of you leaving him. He will devalue you even more if you try and succeed. “How ungrateful of you!” Is that what people who love you do?
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I’m 1 of the lucky ones. I recognized the Something was very wrong before anything got under way with a man. He seemed to assume that I was gonna cheat with him on his G.F.. He got that wrong, & his doing so really put me off him, but that didn’t put him off. All sorts of crap happened, like putting it out there that I had tried to break him & G.F. up. No -I said that I wouldn’t go out with someone who was in a relationship! He heard, “You must break up with your G.F..”
Bullshit!! And more unending B.S.!
It’s a year later, he broke up with former G.F., & he took a few tries at seeing if I was still interested.
I was not.
I have read some things that he wrote online & it seems that their break up involved police @ least twice,… & perhaps a court case? ( he was forced to pay her ‘ More’ (?) money?) How was any $$ involved if they were not living together, & were, “Just B.F. & G.F.”? He originally said that he had instigated the split. Later, it sounded like she had. Then he claims to have tried to get her back… Stalking? Cyber Stalking? Like the crap he pulled on me while he was with her?
It also seems to have involved mutual destruction of each other’s property & an allegation that he hit /assaulted her. I know her to be a perfect match in the ‘head case’ dept., so I don’t know that I believe the assault allegation. She & he both have accused me of things that I didn’t do. A Perfect Match made in Hell.
Now to hear it told, I’m supposed to be sad…’Poor me! I got dumped & I’m pining away for him.’
Super$hit has been telling this to any that will hear, & he doubtlessly has his big family helping to save his ego with gossip. I’m told that “He isn’t that interested in women.” Lols!!
True! The women don’t interest him..it’s just getting laid, & being taken care of that is his chief interest. He’s so ‘uninterested’; that he’s on web dating sites & has been since before their official big split! He also likes to blab about & post his sexual exploits on line. ‘Wonder what his Mom would think of that? 😀
He seems to think of sex as something like waiting until someone turns their head & then he spits in their coffee…Putting something over on a woman. Big Joke. 😦
My problems are not huge like many on this board -Thankfully!
However this jerk & his The World According To ME, stuff is beginning to get me annoyed, esp. when it’s coming from the Town Gossip across the street. I want to say, “Do I look like the kind of Idiot who would go with a cheater, or get involved with a perp. of domestic violence, or a vandal, or deal daily with a liar, or a manipulative person who likes to set people up for things he did? Or some one who thinks of sex as a dirty trick played on the unsuspecting????”
ACK!!!!!!
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Holy cow! It’s amazing how they try to suck you into their ugly schemes and then judge you as an evil schemer if you reject their scheme! It’s mind boggling! You are definitely in a better place than most and the only way to detach is to disengage. There is no need to defend yourself; the truth and reality will be revealed in time. And I have no doubt that his GF was probably his wife and that she is (or was) a good person before being impacted by his abuse and manipulations. What often goes unsaid is that victims take on the negative qualities are their persecutors just to find normalcy in an abnormal environment. And it’s often done without the victim realizing they’re doing it until it’s too late. PTSD and cognitive dissonance are a powerful force of negativity and it’s sucking you in, Pennyfarthing. Focus on your health and happiness and take a step back and see the humor in the drama instead of allowing them to interject you into the middle of it.
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I forgot the porn. He hacked my computer & email & sent porn with very personal headers. One had everyone in our family ‘pictured’ in the header.
I didn’t open them -Good thing too cuz they had a virus attached that would have sent then to everyone on my email list. I’m glad I read headers before opening!
The Ex G.F…? Actually I think she is ‘The Pivot Point’. I’m quite sure that she has gotten me in a car accident that totalled my car. That was 3 years ago, & long before I had ever met her ‘Mr. Special”. She has tried the same things on several other occasions since. Her own mother cautioned me about her.
Truthfully, I expect that they may be back together, & sooner than you might think. IMHO, they feed off each other, hatch plots, & “get people” as a pair. They can’t get that from normal human beings, & boredom will set in.
They were co-workers @ one time. Are they still? Who knows…? He may have marked territory (he likes doing that!) on his work place & gotten her to leave. (I know some work places have a dismissal clause for people involved in domestic disputes/violence.) If she pressed charges, she may have gotten him fired. He misrepresents this workplace relationship with her to any who are not aware of it. I wonder why?
Married? Maybe common law, but that would take 5 (? ) years for that to be legally binding. I don’t think either of their attention spans would be that long.
I was on a board that discussed sociopathy & narcs. I’m sure that he cut in there with garbled delusional craziness, right into a conversation. Then the board went off line & I have not been able to access it since -? Did I get banned via HIM!? If he messed even more with my computer, it could have happened.
Anyway, I’m glad that I’m here! I feel at home here. I can vent with people who know what these people can do to others. When that other board went down, I felt very alone.
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I have spent the entire day reading about Sociopathy. The only problem I have in relating is that my ex never even raised her voice, she was never angry or aggressive. I realise she was totally controlled…
The upshot of all this reading is ‘Please God – she is not a Sociopath’ Yet I know she is. She is in prison for the heinous crimes of deception and fraud against her ex partner. I was too weak to follow through with the crimes she perpetrated against myself….
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Paula, I wish to apologise to you & any here that I may have offended by my comments. Paula, you may be correct about him & “G.F.” being married, or @ the least being in some sort of financial arrangement.
I also wish to say :Sorry” to any who found my comments offensive, Re “Who would be dumb enough…to get involved with……..”
Plenty of us !!, including me, would be “dumb enough”. That’s why these kinds of people are so successful. They know decent people, & susceptible people. They know what we want, & how to mirror us & fool us. They know what they want, & how to get those things from us. I was nutz about that guy from the moment I first saw him, & he seemed to like me a lot too. I sure must have looked like the perfect fool. 😦
I know now that I was researched for quite a while beforehand, & was spied on for a long time after I faded. He was really sure that I was still hooked. I’m also quite sure that he had told G.F. that he would move on to me if she didn’t behave. I guess he wanted to wring every last thing out of that relationship before moving on, but it went sour faster than he expected. I still think that woman was ‘the love of his life’, in that he will prob. never find anyone who mirrors him that well. (Like 2 Narky peas in a pod!)
I don’t trust my own judgement, & I don’t trust people any more,. I’ve become pretty selfish, & hard edged . I’m not even sure that I want that to change. I don’t want to have this happen again, but I don’t want to be like this either!
Re: metal & emotional problems. As I’ve said, it’s possible to be Depressed, Bi-Polar, have OCD, Aspergers or any & all combinations of a host of mental problems in conjunction with being a Narc or Socio. It’s possible for this to have had some very negative impacts on their lives & made things worse, just like their victims have to ‘armour up’ , so have they.
However they can also be adept at playing the Victim, & they have a kind of multi functioning Dr’s note to validate themselves. They can go from someone who functions quite well to a bumbling mess, or a violent person if the situation will work in their favour. Are they Really THAT destroyed? No one will ever know -maybe not even them where the truth ends & selfishness begins..
It doesn’t matter Why someone is a jerk, & makes your life Hell. All you need to know is that you cannot continue, no matter how valid his/her excuses seem, or how sorry you find yourself feeling for that person
. Why have 2 people in need of psychiatric care.instead of just one? You need to look after yourself, & your kids if you have them. It’s a foregone conclusion that he or she will do neither because they are not capable of that kind of empathy.
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The hardness and the “edge” you’re feeling also keeps you closed off from getting to know yourself. Plus, it’s a direct result of experiencing abusers and is our default defense. It isolates us, and should, until we make the realization and choice to free ourselves from that lonely place. You want to be loved and accepted and nurtured and held. Start by learning to love, accept and nurture yourself. 🙂
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Wow Pennyfarthing,
It sounds like you dated my ex-boyfriend. The story is the same! You are lucky to have gotten out without the mental, physical and property damage!
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Well, apparently…Here We Go Again! I had avoided a board that we both posted on since mid July (?) or about then. No contact & that was the only contact we had except for passing each other in traffic @ times.
Then it started again a few weeks ago. 2 days in a row, he’s there on the road. Car pulls a left sharply ahead of me, & sits @ the edge of a lane way. Same car is making a left turn & does a little wave the next day.
In July, he was supposed to have found “The One”, or so he said on the board. This was only a few weeks after a girl he met on a computer dating site called it quits with him .I breathed a sigh of relief @ this news. Maybe it would stick this time! I stopped checking in to that web sight & life started to get “Normal” again.
After seeing his car twice in 2 days,& one weird incident before when I was putting out the garbage with an unknown vehicle & a possibly disguised driver. (He has done disguises before.)
Anyway, I ‘peeked’ secretly @ the board, & he has broken up with her (or maybe vise-versa-?) This was posted the day I saw his vehicle for the 2nd. time, 2 days in a row. Reason for break up??? He has been dating her for 3 months & she won’t have sex with him. She is barely up for kissing. His family ‘loves’ her , & they are still friends. (Of course his family loves her ! -Cuz she’s Not boinking him! 😛 )
He was actually pretty decent in his reaction to her aversion to intimacy. A lot less bitchy than his usual reaction to his ex’s. @ least in the post. Who knows what he said in private though?. He doesn’t seem to have asked her, “Why” she didn’t want any intimacy. Odd that he wouldn’t, don’t you think?
Soooo….. What makes him think that I’m a a ‘solution’ to his drought? After the crap I went through with him, his family & his friends, the thought of any kind of intimacy about makes me want to barf. We never had Any physical contact, but after the harassment, I have no trust left, & I just feel that relationships are not worth the risk of running into another nut job.
I’m just disgusted with him & his opinion of me! Every time he has a break up, this $#it starts again. 😦
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Do you tell him exactly how you feel about him when he tries to reach out to you? Otherwise, he’ll just keep assuming that he can continue to use you as he did before. That’s why he comes back, because he knows he can break down your boundaries. Otherwise, he’d find someone with easier boundaries to shatter. And I say this without judgment. I know what it’s like to have flimsy boundaries. 🙂
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I have tried to tell him that This Is Never Going to Happen & I’ve told him exactly WHY. I have told him this on a B. Board that we were both posting on. I have told him repeatedly & in detail. On the occasions that I have attempted to tell him in person, face to face, it has been a ‘set up’ & I’m made to look like the one who is stalking him. (that’s 3 times to date.)
I no longer trust him to not use any meetings to set me up yet again, & this would break No Contact’. I’m also becoming afraid of him. The only way that I could contact him is to follow him when he does these drive-bys in traffic , & I really don’t think that is a good idea. (he has pulled off into a large apt. parking lot, & onto a rural road that I’m not familiar with.) I have no trust in him, & not enough to meet up with him in person.) All his interactions with me except the 2 times that he pulled up to my house have been covert & sly.
There may be some light @ the end of the tunnel…or not. It seems he (or maybe his younger brother) are hanging out at a house located almost right behind ours. I’m being treated to a bunch of C over high C soprano, loud, hysterical sounding drive by insults on a regular basis…. ?
This was never an actual relationship. I was never part of what ever it was anyway. I was not heard. No input from me was ever required. It was/is all in his mind. Over 14 months ago was the last time I actually spoke to him face to face.I said then that if he became single, he should let me know. In the interim, I have seen so much that I can’t deal with from him. I have told him on line Why many many times. When the stalking, cyber stalking started, or rather when I found out about it, he was Toast to me! Snooping, spying, sneaking, & setting me up. NOPE!
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Hey it is Susan, is there anyone out there who can help me. I posted a short message about how I feel my husband is a sociopathic narcissist. He is not just sociopathic but he is also a narcissist. My mother thinks I am crazy………….she is under his spell plus she feels that she is responsible for him. I told her yes he is going to leave and yes he will end up just where he started doing drugs and alcohol and along the way he will look for victims. I am not a victim mom and he has to go……….the sooner the better. I will never get ahead with him in my life. He will spend all his money and then mine………that is what he has done all along………and I let him. Last night he said he was going to get a prostitute and was talking jibberish about canoes, lost me there.
What he does not get is that I am not under his spell anymore. My foolish notions are gone.How do I move ahead and make the most of my future. Yeah it is gonna hurt, don’t kid myself there
were and are things about these people that are likeable otherwise we would not stick around
for so long………………….but I see clearly now. So how do I go forward in a positive and healthy way.
Paula, anyone out there……………this site is invaluable, so hope your checking in and waiting for some answers. Thanks……..Susan
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Susan, I think you understand what you must do. I read your advice to another, and it’s clear to me that you understand. You know. Believe and have faith in knowing that you’re not alone and there is no need to try convincing anyone that what you have experienced is real and damaging. Instead of me trying to tell you what you should do, ask yourself what you wish you had the strength and courage to do next. Any physical or financial barriers or those you create in your mind are where you need to start. What is keeping you from taking that leap of faith?
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Hi Susan! Things will get better if you stay away from him!
Of course your mother doesn’t get why you need to break up with him. He has been grooming her since he 1st met her to believe him. When you do leave, you may be surprised to find out how many people he has brainwashed.
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I
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Hi, my name is Susan.
I went to see my daughter yesterday for about 6 hours or so and did not make it home on time to take my husband to the xray department which is across the street…he has not spoken to me since. In fact he said I was really at a BBQ and he hoped is was great. I tend to doodle
and I was talking to me son in law about having a barbecue before summers end and wrote down the word bbq and I also said you must be glad I brought over the AC cause it has been so hot. The husband saw this…………of course when I got home from my daughter’s he bitched and raved and then took the money he doesn’t have and went out and got really drunk…………..had a bad poop in the downstairs bathroom and proceeded up the stairs naked in front of my mother and myself…………………wow…………….He has give my mom one month’s notice but he won’t have a dime, makes twice the money I do and then goes after mine………..I fear he is a narcissist sociopath and
this is just a mild example of the hell I have lived through in the three short years of marriage to him……………………a lot of which is blocked out of my mind simply because most of it is incomprehensible……..am I right about him…………I swear I am dead on
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Delusional!! He is delusional, which is always a huge red flag to me.
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Susan, I can relate to you so much. Protect your accounts and yourself. Always have someone around and stay safe. I wish you luck.
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Starting my “detox” journey today at this second….very relieved I found this site and this community….it is awesomely hard but decided to cut contact mi first 24 hours…trying my best to keep strong, calling texting family and friends and trying to reconnect with my loves ones who were abandoned while trapped and manipulated……wish me luck and send me good energy as I will do that for all of you going through the same….
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Sending you lots of loving kindness, strength and hope, Ana. 🙂 ❤
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Luck to you Ana…you can do it 🙂
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Thank you. Thank you so much you have no idea.
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🙂
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Ana,
Sending warm wishes your way.
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I can relate to a lot of these stories..but I’m confused on if my ex was really a sociopath/narcassist, or just an insecure, insensitve jerk. He started out the same way that they all seem to do. Long emails and texts about how much he was “into” me, and attracted to me he was. He would send pages and pages of sexually descriptive things he wanted to do to me, in cards and in texts and emails, and this was even before our first date! We emailed and texted like this for about a month before we had our first official date. He was working out of town at the time (we are from the same town, and have a lot of mutual friends) So he got a hotel room, When I walked in, it was gifts from Victoria’s Secret, expensive jewelry, and a long handwritten card. I was shocked, but flattered at the same time. What kind of girl doesn’t want romance and attention, along with gifts and cards? I would get flowers at work and at home every other week..and for some reason, he would always want me to take a picture and put on Facebook..(narcisstic quality?) And of course, the sex was mind blowing. This all pretty much lasted for about a year and a half. But in between, there was a lot of jealousy. He started going through my phone, picking fights with me when I had plans to go out with friends. He would accuse me of cheating on him with my guy friends. He would question my every move. It started to get to the point where I was recognizing that he was a very controlling and insecure person, and I would break it off. He would always be there within the next day or two, with the emails and texts, saying how much he needed me and that we were going to be together forever, and that I was his soulmate. I was madly in love with him, but the constant jealousy was getting to be too much. We started fighting more and more. He started calling me names, putting me down, and basically making me feel like I was worthless. We would break up, get back together once a week it seemed like. Even though I was usually the one to end things, I would feel like I couldn’t breathe without him. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t function, I was sad and depressed without him. But at the same time, I was starting to feel that way being with him too! I was so confused all the time, and so tired of getting called a cheater, which I had never cheated on him at all the whole time we have been together. I was so tired of walking on eggshells. Thoroughout the relationship, he got physical with me on 3 different occasions. He once kicked me in the head while driving down the road with his boot. And I still went back! He has smashed tv’s of mine, my car windshield, and several of my belongings. He has broken into my house and busted all my water pipes, causing thousands of dollars in damage…and I still went back! He was at times, the most fun loving, romantic and caring boyfriend I could ever ask for. But at the same time, within seconds, turn into the coldest, meanest, most insensitive individual I have ever encountered. It was just a constant roller coaster. He still continued to lift me up as high as I’ve ever been, but could knock me down so low I couldn’t even get out of bed to function. But I couldn’t ever stay apart from him for too long..because I felt like a part of me had been ripped out. Like he was literally a drug, and I was going through withdraws without him. So then, the whole cycle would start all over. Finally, the last few months it was getting to be every day that we were arguing about something. He started telling me he was cheating on me, and then take it back and say he only said it out of anger. I started hearing from other women that he was hitting on them, or trying to “hook up” I was also hearing other’s opinions about him, and they were never good. I don’t know if he was a compulsive liar, I think he was and I was just so naive to realize it. Either that, or he was just so damn good at it that I never really realized it.
My breaking point to where I finally ended it came a few weeks ago when I found out I was pregnant. We were on one of our “breaks” and I messaged him to tell him I had something important to talk to him about. He has been laid off for the summer, so he has been doing a lot of partying, and is basically out every night of the week. Basically, he didn’t respond to me until the next night. He is 46, and I am 33, and we had no plans or intentions on having any children whatsoever. I was on birth control, and while taking antiobiotics for a UTI I became pregnant. I told him, and then showed him the test, and he was fine and somewhat compassionate for a couple of days, and then totally flipped a switch. He told me I was lying, and then that it wasn’t his, and that he wanted a paternity test. He told me he didn’t care if i had the child or not, he wouldn’t have anything to do with it either way. He then told me that if I had it, he would get full custody and make me pay child support. He was completley heartless and cold to the whole situation. He was out partying every night while I was at home dealing with it. He would call me names an belittle me, saying that the kid could be anyones and that he wasn’t going to take any sort of responsiblilty for anything. I ended up terminating the pregnancy a couple of weeks ago..and he wouldn’t even help me to pay for the cost of it all. I was completly devastated. A few days after I went and got it done, he was texting me asking how everything went, and that he loved me, and that he was sorry for everything. I basically told him to go to Hell and I wanted nothing to do with him ever again. That he wasn’t the man for me, and that he was someone who I would never let hurt me that way ever again. Now I have said this time and time again, and still took him back every time, but somehow this time was different. I couldn’t see myself loving someone like that anymore. Someone who had so little compassion and empathy for another human being. I just couldn’t even fathom it anymore. That was almost 2 weeks ago today, and I have not spoken to him once. I blocked him from my phone, email, and Facebook. Something that I have never been able to do in a year and a half. I have ran into him at the same functions a couple times since then, because like I said, we have mutual friends. For some reason, it doesn’t bother me so much that we are not together anymore, it bothers me more than anything that he is looked at as this funny, charming, fun loving guy to the people we know in our town. Only some know what he is really truly like. For some reason, I want to scream to the world what a POS horrible person he really is. With that said, it DOES gets a little easier day by day. It’s hard to envision yourself without the person you made all these plans for the future with, the person you saw yourself with forever. But I think about it like this..I can’t love someone who has no soul and no heart. I am better than that. And a person like this cannot love back.And if they do, it’s always with consequences. It will never be his fault, and I will always be to blame for everthing. And I don’t want to live like that! So it’s never going to amount to anything. Ever. I kept thinking I could change him, that eventually he would see what a good person I was and how much I loved him. It was just never good enough. My only problem now is trying to forgive…because I have so much anger and hatred for him over the hurt and pain he has caused me. I hope eventually.. I can find it someday.
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Andrea, thank you for sharing your story. It sounds all too familiar in many aspects. And you’re allowed to feel angry at being treated less than human. You’re allowed to have visions of revenge and making him well-aware that you know what he is. (Where do you think the original energy came from for me to start writing my story? I wanted him to know what a POS he was and that his true nature was no secret to me.) But once the anger subsides, you’re still left with yourself and the realization that you will never receive any answers or explanation from him, nor will you receive an apology. My mother told me forgiveness is in God’s hands, because only God has the power to truly forgive the unforgivable. 🙂
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Thank you for the response. I think this site is great! It really gives a lot of support and lets you know that you are not alone. I do have a question. I know that these types of people move on pretty fast to their next “victim”. Is it out of line to warn this person what they are getting ready to encounter, or is it just better to keep the distance and remain no contact all the way?
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Andrea, would you have heeded any warnings? The only thing reaching out to the new victim does is 1.) prove your ex’s accusations that YOU are the crazy one and 2.) makes the new victim dig in her heels and remain in the relationship longer to prove you wrong and to prove she is better than you and more willing to give him the love he “deserves” FINALLY!!
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Ooooh! Yes…good point. I probably honestly wouldn’t have given it too much thought if someone else had warned me. He seemed so perfect and wonderful, and I would have thought exactly what you said! And he does tell everyone that I am the crazy jealous and psycho one! Imagine that!
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Hehe! Hey, we are all crazy and psycho, don’t ya know? 🙂
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Well I broke the no contact and unblocked him from my phone. Sure enough..a few days later he’s texting me about how much he misses me and loves me, and how he misses all the little things we used to do together. That I will always have a place in his heart, that he has never loved like this before..blah blah blah. The same old story. All the while he is sleeping with at least 2 other girls, both 20 years younger than him! I told him I would never be with him, and to leave me alone (not in those words, that is the edited version) We then got into a war of hateful texts back and forth, and for some reason, I guess I was still expecting an apology or an explanation, but all I got was a half ass apology and then a lot of name calling and put downs. And I also felt like we had so many good times together, and we have shared our lives together for a year and a half, how can I just block a person out like that? A person that I shared so much with for so long? Well then he proceeds to tell me he’s got a girl over and they are sitting there laughing at all my crazy texts. I cried for a good while about it because I was actually doing pretty good with the whole no contact thing. Now I am just replaying all the horrible mean things he said to me in my head over and over, and feeling like I’m back to square one. I guess I will never get an explanation or any kind of real apology, and it’s just really hard to accept.
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Take all the time you need. Forgiveness has it’s own time frame. Cicely Tyson in “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” said it best, “you got to forgive or they hold their power over you!” I had to keep reminding myself of that. Be good to yourself always.
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Andrea,
He sounds exactly like my ex boyfriend. He sounds like a narcissistic sociopath. I am no expert but I went through the same thing minus the pregnant part. Im still hurt and angry also but writing it down and talking about it helps. If you can afford professional counseling do it but I had to read books like “Why Does He Do That” and hundreds of hours research online to help me. I hope the best for you. Be good to yourself.
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[…] Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath – Paula Renee on WordPress […]
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Wow, this blog has made so much sense of the last 11 years! It’s been hellish and now he’s with another ‘Victim to be” he still persists in vicious lies and acrid emails, texts, even when stating he hates me and never wants to hear from me again!….(worrying?). The comms are daily now and so aggressive, that we are becoming scared and I am cautious about leaving our 10 yr old in his company during visits. My story is so long and horrid, but just to confirm some of the other points in the posts…….”Why have you stopped coming near me physically?” (Me!) “Because I know you really want it!” ……this sums up their thinking, and clearly nothing like this could manifest itself in a normal functioning persons mind. It’s the start of your own disgusting devaluation and supports the self loathing that follows…..
A huge give away in spotting the Narcissist/Sociopath is their distain and dislike, lack of empathy and understanding for pets, dogs, cats etc, there is nothing to help them translate their needs or how they communicate with someone normal.. there is NO comprehension of the pleasure and love the family pet can bring. This is a huge give away. Personally, for me, a pet is like a child to some extent, and treated as such, people who don’t like or understand domestic animals have something else going on…(be warey!)
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I agree. Often they use animals, like children, as tools to control. They are very good at pretending to care about all animals and children when, in reality, they care only as much as they can control the animal and all attached to the animal. 😦
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Its a good portrayal of a consciencless Sociopath and I am glad that you found out in time and had the strength to get rid of him, you are lucky if he leaves your life without stalking you but of course he knows that the world is full of victims,
at least now you know what to look out for and hopefully that will stay with you for life, protect yourself and survive.
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i grew up in a family with 2 sociopaths …. terribly unlucky 😦
but at least i know ….. i think of the ones who don’t .
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Thank you, Axiom, for your comment. It does seem terribly unlucky, but I’m sure knowing has empowered you. As for those who remain unaware, I think about them everyday.
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I am new to this site and I desperately need some help to understand what has happened and why and if it was all my fault. Here is my story I will try to keep it as short as possible. I met my ex about a year and a half ago. he was a friend of my dads and my dad introduced us one night at a bar he dj’s at. we talked all night long. the next day he called and asked me out but I explained to him that my life was really messed up as I was currently married but separated from my husband and I needed to figure out my life and get it straightened out and I didn’t think it was fair of me to get anyone else involved in my messed up situation and he told me to let him decide that. he was really easy to talk to and seemed to understand what I was going through, he made me feel better about myself. we talked for awhile through text messages and some phone calls but I slowly stopped communicating with him because I got spooked because he was telling my parents how much he liked me and that he was in love with me and it scared me because I thought we were only friends. but in time I missed talking to him I felt like he was my guy version of a best friend and I could tell him anything so we started texting again and my feelings for him grew into more then just friends. he was so charming and sweet and made me feel like I was the most important person in the world to him that I deserved to be treated like a queen and that’s how he treated me in the beginning. he constantly told me how much he loved me and that I was his life that he needed more and more time with me.he gave up doing things he liked doing even though i asked him not to he said it was the only way our relationship was gonna work. we had been seeing each other for about 5 months when i saw a post he put on facebook saying that he got engaged well of course I was wondering what the heck was going on so i called him and he said that we were engaged which was news to me, he got anger with me because he said he asked me to marry him, yes we had talked about getting married in the future but he never asked me asked me, i in the end ended up feeling like it was all my fault and that maybe he did ask me and i just didn’t remember exactly so i ended up being the one to say i was sorry. the next day when i went to visit him he had made me a ring at work and got down on one knee in his bedroom/living room and asked me to marry him i was so taken aback I said yes but my head was spinning i was so confused at that point. every time we argued or i didnt do something he liked or make a decision as fast as he thought i should or if i was even a few minutes late he would get mad at me and say he needed to end things. he would go talk to my dad about me and tell him that i was always lying to him and try to get my dad to tell him what he should do to get me to leave my current situation and move in with him he would drive an hour to my best friends house and talk to her about us and how everything was my fault and that’s why we always fought and ask her what he could do cuz he thinks he made a big mistake in letting me go. half the time I didn’t even know he was talking to either of them and when I did find out I felt like he was going behind my back trying to make me look like I was at fault for all our problems and I guess I started to believe I was. the more he pushed me the further I was pulling away, but I was in love and didn’t want to loss him so I tried to do whatever I could to make him happy. I stopped hanging with my best friend and stopped going to see my family and spent less and less time with my kids just so I could be with him but it still wasn’t enough he wanted me full time and I wasn’t ready to make that big of a decision. around Christmas time things really got bad, on Christmas day I spent it at home with my kids and he knew that I was gonna be doing that and I had planned on going to spend the weekend with him well he got mad and called me and told me that he was tried of my games and he was coming to my house if I didn’t meet him so I made up some excuse so I could go meet him and we talked for a long time he was upset because he wanted to spend xmas with me and in the end I was the one who said I was sorry and broke down crying and begging him to forgive me and that I would make it up to him. he always threatened to come to my house and there was a few times he actually did. I should explain that I was still living with my soon to be ex husband and my kids I sleep in the basement but I didn’t want my kids involved in this at all I felt like their home is where they feel safe and I didn’t want that taken away from them so every time he threatened to go to my home or would show up it scared me more and more but I still couldn’t end things because I truly believed he was my soul mate. but I did start to pull away and finally got to the point where when he threatened to do something or broke things off with me I just let him do what he felt like he needed to do, I was sick and I couldn’t deal with it all anymore. well in January I lost my baby brother 2 days before my 38 bday and it broke my heart and my family was in pieces well he was there for me and for my dad he helped me feel strong enough to help my parents get through it well for the first few days anyways and I thought to myself hes back my best friend is back but it didn’t last long the day after my brothers funeral he called me about airline tickets we were planning on going to Italy in april and he found tickets for a decent price I was so messed up in the head at that point that I wasn’t ready to make a decision on if I wanted to go with him still yes I loved him but there was so much going on and I needed time to process it all and I needed time to grieve with my family but he wouldn’t take a I don’t know for an answer his friends told him to not let me use my brothers death as an excuse to take my time with things and he wasn’t about to give me anytime to think about things, now mind you I have been sick for about 2 months at this point now and I just lost my brother and him and I were not technically together because he broke things off with me but none of that mattered to him and I should’ve said no but I didn’t I eventually said yes to buy them because believe it or not I still loved him very much and didn’t want to be without him. well a couple days after my brothers funeral my family and I went to the bar where my dad dj’s at to be with him for support and my ex was there he got really mad at me because I didn’t go right up to him and talk to him because I was with my family and we were there to support my dad, he texted me and told me to come outside to talk so I did I didn’t take my phone or purse because I assumed we were just gonna talk in his car but as soon as I got in he took off I kept asking him to take me back but he refused we got into an argument about the money for the ticket he wanted me to pay for my ticket because he didn’t feel like I would go with him to Italy well I told him I didn’t have my purse so I couldn’t get him any money so he drove to my house threatening to go in and ask my husband for the money for the ticket (at this point my husband knew about us) I kept begging him to take me back to the bar because I knew my family would be getting worried but he wouldn’t in the end I ended up apolizing for whatever was going on and we made up but my dad was very upset that I left like I did but I took all the blame because I didn’t want my dad to be mad at him. I got him half the money and we talked and he said he could handle things the way we were but messaged me the next day saying he couldn’t he was sick from what all was going on and he needed me completely and if I couldn’t make that decision then he couldn’t do this anymore and I told him I couldn’t make that decision he wanted to meet later that night to end things and give back my stuff, I had dinner plans with my best friend and he somehow found out where we were and showed up but amazingly he didn’t have my belongings with him I was supposed to go sit with my mom because it was the first time she was gonna be home alone since my brother passed away (he passed away in my parents house) but I instead sat with him in his car for hours talking about the same stuff we always did and getting no where but in the end again I gave in and took all the blame but I guess he still felt like we were not together so I stopped texting him because I needed a break from all the drama and I was still really sick. finally I took a pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant that is why I had been so sick I went and told him the day after I found out I was scared to death of what his reaction would be, at first he was not very happy but before long he was very happy or at least I thought he was. I was so confused and sick and scared and I didn’t know what I wanted at that point all I knew was that I wanted my baby. well he got in some trouble at work and decided to go home to Italy for a few days we texted a little when he got back he sent me a text saying he realizes I needed time and he was gonna give that to me ect ect ect so I told him yes I did need time to figure things out my head was such a mess. I didn’t hear anything from him for over a month I know I should’ve tried contacting him but I could barely function and didn’t want to talk to anyone at that point I didn’t even get off the couch I was so sick. well I lost the baby in the end of feburary, I called him to let him know and we talked for hours. I know I handled that so wrong because I should’ve talked to him in person but at that point I was so broken and still so sick I didn’t want to see anyone, I just laid in bed and cried well the next day I talked to him and he told me all this stuff his friends told him and that he believed I faked the baby because I wouldn’t let him go talk to my doctor, he accused my dad and my best friend of helping
me fake my baby and the paperwork I had given him, which is insane my dad just lost his son and
my dad looked at my ex as a very good friend he let my ex come in the room while my family and
I were deciding what we were gonna do with my brothers organs that’s how much my dad liked him
and my best friend cant have anymore kids and wants them so bad she would never help me or
anyone fake a baby and not to mention that it is illegal to fake the kind of paperwork I gave him
its a felony and I don’t care how much they cared about me they would never risk going to jail to
help me do something illegal and something so horrible and mean and I myself would never ever do something so cruel especially to someone I love with all my heart, so yes I said no I wouldn’t let
him go talk to my doctor not after all he had accused me of and the stuff he was telling everyone and the stuff he was putting on facebook and honestly I wasn’t ready for him to go in and grill her and I knew he would. the next week I went into see my doctor to make sure everything was ok and she gave me paperwork to give to him letting him know that I had suffered a loss. I also had given him the paperwork the doctor had given me when I found out I was pregnant. he started putting stuff on facebook about me and how I faked being pregnant to get him to stay with me which is insane because I stopped talking to him after I found out I was pregnant. I begged him to take that stuff down, we talked for a long time on the phone and I told him I would let him go talk to my doctor but he said it didn’t matter anymore. I had to go into therapy because I was a mess all I wanted to do was die but because of my kids I couldn’t do that to them and because that’s how my brother died by killing himself I couldn’t hurt my parents more. he told me that he was in therapy now too and he coincidently started the same exact day I did. we talked on and off a few times. I still loved him even after he accused me of faking our baby and all I wanted was for him to believe me and to still love me and want to comfort each other over our loss. so I got all the paperwork I could from my doctor and dropped them off at his apt with a letter telling him how I felt and hoping he would believe me and if he didn’t love me anymore that he would just stop telling lies about me well he texted me and said he was headed to my house he was really mad. so I met him at a store and he flipped out on me yelling and swearing at me at the top of his lungs he had never really yelled at me before but somehow always made his point get across that everything was because of me, eventually he calmed down and we talked like normal people well my kids showed up and he got into an argument with my oldest luckily my youngest had more sense then I did at the moment and got in the vehicle and took my oldest home. my ex and I sat and talked for 5 hours about everything and anything he told me how much he still loved me and that he still believed we could be together that nothing was stopping us and that he never believed I faked the baby he just told me that because he wanted me to hate him I was so confused at that point and I told him yes I still loved him but I didn’t know about being together because I thought I should and try and see if I could fix my marriage even though I knew I wouldn’t be able to because I truly did love my ex and not my soon to be ex husband, but for my kids I felt I should try. when we said goodnight that night I thought we left on good terms. he still hadn’t given me back my stuff and I asked him about it and he said I would get it back when the time was right. well he left to go to Italy on the trip we were supposed to go together on and we didn’t talk again after that night in april well I thought all was good and I truly was missing him so I messaged his sister and she basically told me to let him go that it was to late so I listened to her and didn’t contact him like I wanted to so bad and he didn’t contact me so I figured he was over me and everything so I let it go . well at the end of may he dropped my belongings and a ten page letter and the letter I wrote him and some naked pics of me and another pic he had of me off at my soon to be ex in laws house in the middle of the night on their porch. my ex mother in law kept everything except my cloths. I called him but he didn’t answer I just wanted to know how he could hate me so bad he is the one who walked away. he told her that I faked my baby and she believed him even tho he said he had proof but never provided any. my kids and husband already knew everything before he sent all that stuff so it didn’t really affect them like it affected me. I wanted to die and most days I still do. I still love my ex so much and I miss him so much and I feel like something is wrong with me for feeling this way because everyone tells me I should hate him and I try to but I cant I want him back in my life but I know I shouldn’t. I just want to know was it me did I make him change from the wonderful guy I first met to the controlling, crazy guy I now know. and why do I still love him after all he has done. and is what he did by sending that stuff to my in laws something a normal person does and if he was done with me and our relationship and was in a new relationship why did he bother why didn’t he just throw my stuff away and why did he keep some of my stuff like two other pictures I gave him of me and some other personal stuff of mine if he hates me so bad? is there something I could’ve done to make better? I know this is really long but to be honest its only half the stuff he put me through while we were together. is ok normal for me to still love him or am I the crazy one? and why cant I let go why do I feel so broken and empty without him and nothing makes me happy and all I think about is him and the good times we had together and our baby my baby that I miss so much he would’ve been due next month and my brothers bday is in two weeks and all I want is my ex with me to help me get through the next two months because im not sure im strong enough to do it. to much has happened to much pain and loss to much hurt. at this point I hate myself and the person I have become and I hate myself for loving someone who hurt me over and over again and who hurt my family and friends and most importantly my kids. I truly believed he loved me more then anything and I still have myself convinced that he does and that if I could just talk to him he would tell me how sorry he is and that he still loves me and everything would be ok like it was in the beginning. please help me if anyone can. thank you
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Confused, what you’re feeling is absolutely normal after being exposed to sociopath abuse. It’s insidious and malicious. He oscillates between idolizing you, to devaluing you, to discarding you…this causes trauma, a trauma bond, a betrayal bond, AND high levels of confusion and cognitive dissonance. Do you have a therapist? Have you discussed your anxiety and depression with a trusted doctor or counselor? This guy is a loser but please don’t be ashamed of yourself for falling in love with him. Why wouldn’t you? He seemed so caring and concerned and giving…like a knight in shining armor who was going to give you and your kids the fairy-tale life your husband couldn’t. As for the miscarriage, I would consider it a message from your guardian angel. Ask anyone who has had children with crazy-making fools like this guy. And remember that the soul of that unborn child lives on and will be born into a loving family one day. Embrace your children and your family. Re-read what you wrote. You answer your own questions. You know this person is not good for you. My goodness, you contemplated suicide! I was in that same place. Someone who supposedly loves you doesn’t lead you to THAT place, right? Your first step is to cease all contact and talk to a doctor who may be able to help you with your anxiety and ruminations. Reeling in the unraveling chaos is a top priority at this time. You will never receive the answers you need and the truth behind the triangulation messiness and manipulations will eventually come to light. Everyone suspects this guy is nuts; right now he just looks so pathetic that everyone’s empathy is on high and can’t imagine he could be dramatizing his pain for the sake of attention. I think we dated the same jackass. 🙂
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How do I let go of him and the love I have for him. Why did he pick me out of all the women around? How could I have let this happen? I’m completely shattered and broken and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to get myself back. I can’t enjoy life anymore I feel like my heart is broken in a million pieces and I just want it all to stop and go away but I don’t know how to make it. As for therapy I was but I can’t afford it and yes I’m on pills but they don’t seem to help much. I’m lost and feel like nobody cares anyway. I just want to go away. All I think about, dream about is him and my baby I feel like it’s all my fault.
Sent from my iPhone
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Confused197638, you can email me if you feel comfortable: paula.carrasquillo at me dot com.
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Interesting. Thank you for sharing.
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I am a victim of a narcissistic sociopath, I met him a little more than a year ago in my school. At first i found him annoying because he would talk a lot at the library while i was trying to get my work done, or he would interrupt me to ask me questions about his homework. Now i think that this is how he saw that I was going to be beneficial to him since I was smart and willing to help him. We dated for a couple of months. He would talk a lot and promise but his actions always showed the opposite. I would always help him with school work. He convinced me to give him all my school books since I had already taken his current courses. He is only 22 yet has been arrested twice for possession of marijuana. He also smokes it several times a day. I could never understand why he did any of the things he did because he had a good life and both of his parents raised him. I could not understand at what point he started doing all this with both a parent a mother at home. Later after he exploded an stole money I had found and then tried to call me selfish because I was not willing to share with him, I realized something was wrong with him and learned that all his traits pointed that he was a sociopath. He the started disrespecting me and calling me all kinds of names. Sometimes I felt used by him for sex and school help but he would always deny it and try to say things to make me feel better. Unluckily we work at the same place because when I met him I helped him get this job. I now understood why his parents never trusted him and his m other was so overprotective. The craziest thing is how people look at him at work like this charming, helpful guy. The person he appears to be is the complete opposite of who he is, he is great acting and getting people to like him. The irony of all this was that after he disrespected me and stole from me, one day he appeared at my house saying he was sorry that he loved me and a whole story, he was outside my house for an hour blowing up my phone, this acting of his apology went on for a month. He would harass me at work or tell me he was outside my house. He would say he loves me and then when i told him i was going to put a retraining order he would call me names. this was the 3rd time he had done something to me and would come back saying he was sorry. This time I had figured him out and knew he was a sociopath. Seeing how he always tried to fit in and be out there and have people like him makes me believe he indeed a narcissistic sociopath. I found out something was wrong with him a little late, but I’m glad I did. otherwise the 3rd time he came to apologize I would’ve accepted it. But at the last confrontation we had, I had convince my self that all that he said to me, blaming me for his mistakes was part of his game to make me look like the bad one. Then I realized that this was not the first time he tried to blame me, he always would blame me for stuff to the point that i would accept it being my fault. I feel bad for myself but also for his next victims who he will attract with his charm. he is so good at being a sociopath that I know I wont be the last victim. I am hoping to get a new job soon so i can avoid him as much as possible, although it wont be as easy since we live in the same town and attend the same college.
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I think you’re going to be just fine! You listened to your intuition (so what if it took a couple of times?), and you accept that he is not healthy for you or others. Avoiding him, even when he’s in the same room with you, will be easy. You will continue to detach from any power he has over you in the form of shaming and blaming. Once you release yourself of those things, he can no longer penetrate your sphere. 🙂
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Thanks for your reply. Today I saw him at work. It has been like 2 weeks since he cursed me out and called me all kinds of names for no reason. I guess he is very angry that he hasn’t been able to get me back in his life. Today he sees me and tells me kindly to fix my name tag. He is completely crazy. It’s amazing how he can go from loving me, to cursing me out, to then act as if things are fine between us. But I guess that’s all part of lacking a conscience and not feeling remorse for his actions. Today I also heard how he asked an employee for advise on getting me back into his life, this kid is so so good at what he does that anybody would fall for his games, and the messages he would send me were so convincing that the only thing that stopped me from going back with him is accepting that he is sick. The key is understanding that no matter how much it hurts to accept it, all they can do is promise to change or pretend they have changed. it is all acting and eventually their real self always shows up and they hurt you even after just telling you they loved you. It’s not real.
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Anonymous, When he makes those “promises” to change, he has no idea what he’s supposed to be changing. He’s just mimicking language he’s heard others repeat to those they’ve hurt. He’s reading your behavior, not your desires, from a place of cognitive empathy, not affective empathy. So he believes that if he says the right thing, he’ll get you back into his life. (He’s seen it happen before with others, after all!) Sociopaths fail to understand that we are not material people at heart; we want substance from a person. We want people in our lives who have some type of core vibration that speaks and resonates with our core vibration. All the sociopaths create is cacophony. They lip-synch through life, like that late 80’s duo Milli Vanilli. Remember them and how crushed and pathetic they were when the whole world discovered their ruse? That’s what happens. The sociopath can mouth the words, but because there is no heart behind those words, he will eventually be discovered for the true fraud he is…eventually. 🙂
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I have read all of the comments I decide to leave him along two weeks ago I feel like I just came out of a war zone right now all I feel is depression. He has depleted me financially, emotional and spiritually. He is gone to his next victim he has so many now he has found the internet …..I feel so sorry for the next poor victim sometimes I feel like I will never recover. I am glad I found this link.
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I am glad you found the link, too, Prayer. You’re not alone and there are many, many good people in your life who will believe you, if you take that leap to tell at least someone…a therapist, a family member you trust, or a good friend. Don’t try to do it alone. ❤
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Hi Paula, I have been married to a Narc-Socio for the last 5 years. Multiple marital problems including cheating, lying, and overall failure to honor relational obligations. I was constantly being manipulated financially, sexually, and emotionally. For finances, my Cyborg would demand a certain thing and would use other means of manipulation to get money out of me, such as stranding me in the parking lot of the store or causing a scene inside. Often used sex as a means of control. And would openly contest my feelings when she would perpetrate any of the above offenses. She would cheat, use my money to charm her misters, and blame me for anything that she ever did. I finally had enough after getting out from under her and establishing myself. I was often being coerced to quit my jobs or she would cause problems for me with them. She would tell my bosses i was physically abusing her and tried to get me thrown in jail a couple of times (the cops finally told her the next time she gets drunk and breaks into my friends house, who i was staying with at the time, they were going to have to take her to jail also i never hit her, just left) and damaged my relationships with others. Since leaving I have been desperately struggling with recovery and keeping her out of my life. I am now a successful computer programmer as opposed to the walmart fast food wage slave I was in the past. I have been working on trusting other people again, and still finding that difficult. So in closing, if you anyone reading this is stuck with a person you think might be as defined above, run. And never look back.
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Last week she was imprisoned for two years. Yet still she phones and writes. Today I contacted the prison to tell them to stop her…. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. But the pain and devastation continues to haunt me. But I shall survive and I shall go forth and become the strong person I used to be. I will never let this monster defeat me. Be strong all of you, they have taken your heart and your self respect, but they can never take your soul….
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Thank you, exorcised!
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Paula, re cyborg, yep, says it all, the more I study about the subject and read the posts on here, the more I study and disseminate the people I meet on a daily basis, I make sure that I stand back and take a good hard look at my fellow humans,,I wonder also how many there are in the house of commons etc, ruling our lives by their own selfish and dangerous agenda, its no wonder that o lot of people prefer animals to humans, sad but true..
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it is because Narcissists are lacking in empathy and,that they cannot understand context of conversation when it does not involve themselves that they are impossible to deal with, they will gravitate towards people who, they feel, are on the same status level as themselves or above, it is very difficult for us to imagine having no empathy and/or no conscience, living with one must be like living with a humanoid, artificial intelligence without feelings…
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One survivor who has a page on FB refers to her ex as a Cyborg. 🙂
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Sociopathy is an illness, but that doesn’t mean those of us who unknowingly become involved in a relationship with a narcissist/ sociopath, need to make it our own. Rarely does a sociopath recognize they are ill and need to seek help for change. Their behaviors are toxic to those around them. By the time we realize we have been drawn into this degree of an unhealthy and toxic relationship we are “infected” as well. Our reality has been denied for too long. The road to wellness begins with the first step – recognition. However long our individual road is, it is unique to each one of us. Reading the posts on this blog has shown my how many others are living the same experiences I am living. We are not alone. I keep thinking about who are living with a sociopath and haven’t realized it, those who are living with the abuse, self-doubt, and recriminations. It’s hard to beak free, not because we are week people, but because the nature of the “illness” has positioned us, often to the point of immobility. Leaving the relationship is hard, staying is harder.
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it mentions in the book ‘The sociopath next door’ that because their behaviour is so off the scale of normal, that you,being normal feel as though you are losing it mentally, it is for this reason that Sociopaths and Narcissists are so dangerous and insidious,
but there again,Satan as described in the Bible is a Socipopathic Narcissist, enough said !
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I agree. I believe they are a representation of evil, and too many refuse to believe it and that’s why evil keeps winning. 😦
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There seems to be a period of disbelief, that one could actually be involved with a sociopath. I still have difficulty convincing myself that this is the explanation for his behaviors. I periodically question my own beliefs, that perhaps he is honest and I can’t trust my own judgement. Then. ..I go back over everything that has happened over the last 6 years and I being myself back to reality. It is a daily personal struggle to stay string but, it does get easier the farther down the road I travel.
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E, What you are experiencing is ABSOLUTELY normal! We all go through this, because we’re attempting to reconcile and undo the cognitive dissonance at a chemical level. Doing that is like detoxing and recovering from an addiction. We were made to believe we were just like the sociopath due to all the mirroring and projections. Your brain is unscrambling those puzzle pieces, which requires us to constantly go back, examine, and find reassurance. Essentially, you are slowly deprogramming, rewiring, and reconditioning the effects of being brainwashed. 🙂
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Thank you so much. I always knew something was wrong but couldn’t figure it out until a nurse friend told me to read up on narcisstic people and that finally answered all my questions for 29 years. I now realize through homework he is also a sociopath. I also have to remind myself of all the awful things he has done to me and my children and his insincere apologizes. I am 53 years old and have not worked in 28 years but I’m taking classes to get myself and my daughter out of this nightmare. R
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Always remember that you are not alone and many of us have started from zero and worked our way out of the physical and mental dungeon we once found ourselves. 🙂
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I understand. This week will be my second wedding anniversary. I gave up my very secure job to move across the country when we got married. After I got another job, I resigned after 3 months due to his almost daily accusations about me sleeping with every one I worked with, and telling me he had friends in the town I was working who reported to him on me, and I found out that, while I was a work and he had days of,f he was going out with other women. I left him 3 months ago but he has been working me to get back together. Last week I went back to see him, even though I know he has been continuing to cheat and lie all along. I have spent most of my savings during our marriage. I am now back on “my side” of the country, I got another job and I am trying to rebuild my life. I too am hesitant to file for divorce, maybe he’ll file first. My lawyer says he can be ordered to pay some alimony, considering how much money I paid out moving across the country twice and living my lucrative job, but I am afraid to pursue that. It’s just not worth it.
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Anonymous, I was told the same exact thing about people watching me! There was NEVER anyone watching me, nor is there anyone watching you. It’s a tactic used to instill fear and to render us emotionally weak. These people are disgusting. The sooner we know how full of BS they are and that they have zero power over us, we can receive our justice. I hope you are able to release your fears, so you can relinquish any legal ties you have with this person.
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Thank you so much for this!! You are all angels!!! He really convinced me I was crazy!!! Now I can see what it really was. Thank you thank you!
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[…] series of posts about Keith Dixon’s lies. I have long suspected that Supt Dixon if not a sociopath had sociopathic tendencies chief among them lying with narcisism a close […]
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Hi Paula,
First of all, thank you for creating this site. I just finally broke up with a man whom I now am convinced to be a psychopath. He exhibits almost all characteristics of psychopathy with one exception of being a pathological liar. I like to think he has been honest with me and has been faithful to me but I never really know if this is true. We cannot really know if someone lied to us until those lies were caught. I never tried to find out if he was lying to me mainly because I was under the impression that he was madly in love with me. We were having a long distance relationship and we kept each other relatively free so I don’t know what he has been really doing.
I went through the stages of idealization and devaluing process. I never fell in love with him but I now came to understand how overtime I developed intense psychopathic bond with him. This is not love, but more like a very unhealthy attachment.
While I was with me, he always told me how he loves me and that I am the one, yet I could not help but feeling like I would be discarded in the end. I also felt like I am being treated like an object despite all of his flowery expression of how he wishes to love me.
I could not quite understand why I felt this way at that time but now I know.
While I was in a relationship I was always very confused. It is almost like one day I woke up in a bed at a stranger’s house doing things that I never imagined doing … later I realized how I have been persuaded by a combination of his sweet loving words and harsh judgement.
He claimed how he always strives to be a loving person. He makes efforts to connect with people and extend kindness and love. I saw him often flirting with women online, telling them how they beautiful and powerful etc. He accuses me of being overly jealous and I internalized this judgement and felt that I have jealousy and insecurity problem. I felt I need to work on myself to overcome this negative habit (that he describes).
By doing this, I found myself step by step losing my boundary and allowing him to have his way. When we began dating, he still had his ex being around him. He claimed that they are now a friend and that he now loves her like a sister. I had some concerns about this and asked him for some clarity as I felt he seemed to be still processing some of his feeling for her. He rather reacted telling me how important she is in his life. I myself don’t feel a need to keep in touch with my exes (unless there are some compelling reason such as a child etc). I could not quite understand why he insists having her around in his life especially right after breaking up with her.
In months into our relationship, he texted me saying he wants to talk with me about a good news. I called him and he excitedly told me how his friend he connected on fb is coming to town to see him. Then he told me how he occasionally talks with her on the phone, which until then was new to me. I initially displayed a very mild form of jealously but processed it later and wrote an email apologizing for the way I reacted to this news. He appreciated my response. Later I asked him wanting to confirm that she won’t be staying at his place. Then he said, no she will be staying with her friend and then he said how he offered her to stay at his place. I got jealous and felt that I wanted him to first consult with me about this and later once again a story changed.
He called me and told me there was a mix up and that he thought she turned down his offer but she thought she would be staying at his place. When I communicated with him how I felt uncomfortable about this he got very upset and accused me of having a negative feeling. He said there is nothing between him and her and that he was just innocently wanting to host his friend and how I am being unreasonable. I didn’t understand what was happening and started to wonder if I am overly jealous. But I now feel I was feeling what I had every right to feel.
In retrospect, I feel maybe he wants to connect with people and “love” them because he is empty inside. I feel somehow he feels being associated with people he admires, he can fill his internal void. I have not seen anyone who is so unmotivated in life. He does not have anything that he can be passionate about. He does not know what he wants to do. He easily gets excited about something and gets bored very soon and cannot carry out his plans. I hear him talk about really big ideas and they never materialized. He lost his job more than a year ago and is not motivated to find any. He will be soon 40 years old and now lives off his dad’s retirement. He is always on facebook making connections with people online. I feel he spends his life in a way almost like his purpose is to somehow become a vital part of other people’s lives and perfect his self image as a man who is loving etc. I have a very hard time understanding this desire.
I decided to end this unhealthy relationship a couple of months ago. At that time he made me feel I was the one who could not love him and that I was the one who was insecure about myself and had emotional issues. I don’t know how many times I said sorry in this relationship and I don’t think I have done anything wrong aside from being manipulated and having failed to stand up for myself.
I have been reading about psychopathy almost to the point of an obsession. I was never like this. I used to be a strong person. I want to erase everything about him from my memory and move on. This pain is so excruciating… thank you for writing about your experience. Your writings really empower me, make me feel understood and know that I am not alone. Thank you.
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Survivor, thank you for sharing your story in such detail and with genuine insight. First, you are still strong, because you recognized something wasn’t and hasn’t been right and are working toward understanding it. It’s clear all of the “obsessive” reading and researching is helping you. Many, if not all, of us were in exactly the place you find yourself…information overload!! Now it’s time to take all of this information that has validated you and organize it in a clear, concise way that suits your next steps. Focus on you and practice self-care. Put you first by discovering what you want, what motivates you toward happiness, and how you plan to reach your joy. We spend so much time trying to understand what motivates the sociopath that we forget about ourselves. It’s time to take back your life and detach further from the emotional bond that has led to sharing on this blog. The desire to figure him out will die once you begin breathing new life into your spirit and soul. 🙂
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I think we were dating the same man. It is to scary to acknowledge how many of these creeps are out there.
Working on sharing my story on this very helpful site.
Right now I am still far too fragile.
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Dear Survivor,
I was chilled through when I read your post and wondered if we have been involved with the same man – online – I really would appreciate it if you might consider chatting to me, my email is honeybalm56@yahoo.com.au
It would help me a lot as I have been going slowly mad myself and need to know.
Thank you, and hoping to hear from you,
Honeybalm56
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I think that i might be a sosiopath. Many (not all) of the traits you described fits. I lie a lot and i often beleve in my own lies. And i (use to) like what i’m doing. I usualy don’t have a problem with this but now i just can’t tell who i am anymore. It’s only recently that i started to have a problem with this after i realized that all the manipulation is hurting my close ones.
So… What do i do?
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Filip, You sound like you’re a young guy who is still learning about himself and how he affects others. That’s part of normal development. And you obviously don’t like hurting those you love, it sounds. I’d start by making two lists: 1. What I like about myself and why and 2. What I dislike about myself and why. Then ask yourself if you REALLY care to change. If you find out you wish to change, actively practice changing and daily introspection. If you discover you could give a rat’s ass if you harm others or not and change isn’t what you want, then maybe you do have a deep pathology. If that’s the case, it would be up to you to decide if the need to harm others trumps being alone.
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Thank you, the no contact piece is really hard, he texts me a lot and I feel compelled to answer
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It’s very hard. Just remember that the consequence of breaking no contact is more confusion and self-doubt. It does not serve you moving forward to go back to that craziness.
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I am currently trying to exit my two year marriage to a man I now believe is a sociopath and a narcissist. We were together, on an doff for five years before we got married. All the red flags were up but I married him anyway. We’ve know each other since we were 13 years old. He’s handsome, charming, exciting. During our marriage I discovered he had relationships with at least half a dozen women concurrently. He always had stories to cover or excuse the situations, “they are liars, it’s a joke, she’s an old friend, somebody at work gave her my number, they just want to get at you…” I hired a PI and got pictures of a women staying over the house while I was out of town, he had stories to explain even that. He would promise everything and deliver nothing. I moved back across the country 3 months ago and he has been trying to convince me to return to him ever since. He has persuaded me to return twice so far but each time I hired the PI and uncovered lies and women…His manipulation cycle includes sweet talking me and if I don;t buy in he rages at me with foul names and blaming me for all the trouble I cause him. Then he cycles back to sweet talking. During our marriage there were three incidents of physical aggression, one time he fractured my thumb. I am an intelligent, mental health professional and I got sucked into his vortex. It is painful to end my marriage but just yesterday I committed to ending all contact in order to end this roller coaster. Of course he demonstrated many other indicators for sociopath as well, but who needs the long version?
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Elissa, No one needs any more evidence to understand why you’re here sharing. Thank you. It’s never too late to finally say, “No more!” When you do that, you’re saying yes to a life you have never dreamed could be available to you. Shut the door on his gaslighting and establish your truth: he’s a cheater, he’s a liar, and he harms you in every way a person can be harmed. Don’t be ashamed to end this marriage. It’s going to be the beginning of your new life. 🙂
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Elissa you’re not alone. I left my marriage 2 months shy of our 1 yr anniversary, which is July 13th coming up. We dated for 4 years, on and off, and all the signs were there to not marry him but I did anyway, believing his lies about how things will be better for us once I’m his wife. This site is a good place to be. I hope you gain strength reading the different experiences as I have. I’m fresh out of my relationship with my husband and still trying not to break the ‘no contact’ rule. Word of advice: read the blogs daily to keep you moving forward. That’s what works for me. Good luck and thanks for sharing. Even your experience gives me more strength.
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How do you leave? Fight for what’s yours, or leave with nothing. I hired an attorney and filed for divorce. I two have only been married for two years. I’m afraid of what he will do when he gets served. He has harmed me physically more than once and I have proof. My attorney want me to file with a domestic violence order in place. But I’m afraid of his reaction. He is the CEO of a company and he has a large gun collection that will be taken away if I go that route. Has anyone fought their N in divorce?
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I think the hardest part about physically leaving and seek a divorce is to leave and detach emotionally from what the sociopath projects and thinks of you. I was not married to the sociopath, so I did not have to deal with the divorce process. However, those who I have gotten to know through this blog who have successfully managed to NOT lose everything in their divorce to their N/S found emotional support from others during the proceedings. They were able to detach from the power their abuser had over them. They were able to remain calm and reasonable despite the outbursts and continued projections and demands of their soon-to-be ex-spouse. But getting to that point requires a lot of internal work either with a therapist or by finding someone who has direct experience and can guide you as you navigate the system. Have you checked out One Mom’s Battle blog? The concentration of those going through a divorce is much higher than here…obviously! 🙂
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Hi Thanks for this it has been driving me crazy about this guy i was dating not like others being married but we got on so well and he called me without fail all the time sometimes twice a day messaging all the time and then he came out with “you know i like you right” and i was trying to be careful but everything he said was like a dream.
He explained a lot to me about himself saying hes never had a true lovely relationship everyones broke his heart, i lapped it up and felt so sorry for him
but i was now the important part of his life, he told me about his upbringing full of sob stories about his parents just working and not having time for him he was moved around countries and it all led up to the fact if they hadnt done that he wouldn’t of met me all the time saying its fate that we met.
I noticed he could be a little strange sometimes talking about how he was worried about loosing me.
We decided to spend the weekend together and he was fine till he saw me wearing shorts and said its cold outside maybe you should wear jeans i didnt understand but i thought fine ….. later he then went on to telling me over the phone he thought my thighs were quite big and therefore i shouldn’t wear shorts because its invasion of peoples vision…….
But i was hooked from the nice guy and just tried to understand him he then took me to a makeup stupid to get my makeup done he asked me to “hand myself over to him”
so i thought like “pretty woman” this might be a good experience it was not!
On our way to the station to say bye he explained how the weekend was not very good but its a learning process and he wanted to be with me even though he never made it clear what our relationship was.
He explained how all i did all weekend was ask questions and not smart ones things like “how do you feel” and “are you ok” loving affectionate questions which he found irritating and stupid.
we saw each other the next weekend and he was quite attached or so it seemed
he would check to make sure i looked nice enough to go out if not HE would do my makeup because he said the people at the studios were terrible and he could do a better job.
We had a nice weekend despite that I didnt ask questions or how he felt he seemed calm and affectionate towards me but everytime i went to kiss him he would move away like a 4 year old scared of getting germs
I always asked “do you have a problem with kissing” he’d say “no i don’t” and i’d explain i thought he did and he’d peck my lips thats it …
We did couple things drink together watch films laugh he’d explain my humor is so great because he’d been with girls interested in drinking and parties not smart stuff or debates about opinions.
We had a nice night and the next morning he asked me to decide on going home (on the day i was ment to) or staying another night, i choose the other night.
rest of the weekend was pleasant part from his constant comments about the size of my thighs (im not a big girl)
I just laughed it off most the time then he got on to talking about how terrible my skin is ….
this was the topic for the next week of calls saying i need to sort my skin out.
Then the next weekend went different he caused so tension between us but i wanted him to snap out of it so i said i was sorry even though he caused it he shouted about me because i had a health issue due to my work and skin issues he shouted at me for not quitting my job.
at first he was quiet unresponsive and then its like a bomb! all this anger from nowhere.
that weekend he told me to make my own way to his i was scared as i never did it and he explained he’d showed me twice and that i’m making excuses and he hates stupid people
and he hang up on me and didnt answer his phone at all till i got there
he greated me with a hug and saying “i knew you could do it”
he had food and wine ready at his place and everytime he asked why i wasnt happy id explain hed made me scared all morning he didnt seem to understand just said i was making excuses
rest of the weekend was simi normal
but that week because i asked “too many questions ” while we called he hang up told me “from now on you have a allowance of 1 question a day when you exceed that our call will end think before you ask” he said he felt like i was a police woman asking all them questions but they were normal ones like how are you what you been up to.
Our calls had stopped he made excuses and then told me “he didnt feel comfortable talking to me anymore” i asked him to give me another chance (stupid cow) i said i’ll prove i can get through the weekend i said “let me make it up to you”
He said ok please come this weekend and i did but he didnt talk to me while i was traveling and when i got there he didnt even meet me i had to go up to his place, he opened the door with the most contemptuous look on his face and went and sat down continuing to ignore me as i try to talk to him he looks at me like im something under his feet. I tried to talk to him and he got up got changed and i asked where he was going he said to lunch i was like why not eat here he said “are you coming or not” after that i got him out of his grumpy mood and we had fun doing couple things at one point he read his book to me danced about the house it was a nice change.
Then we got food and i asked if we was watching football cant we watch comedy of something he exploded at me saying how” your ment to be F**king british saying if you dont want to watch it F**k off home saying he canelled on his friends so i could come this weekend” then he calmed down and explained he didnt know football either just wanted to support then something was said and i said i dont have to be into footie because im british and he returned with “oh my god i wasnt even talking about you, i was talking about the game f**k sake you’re not that important”
After that it calmed down and we had a normal evening and joked laughed went to bed he told me he felt more comfortable about me he felt he could be himself.
The morning i had to leave i asked a question and he switched so quickly didnt even hug me good bye and ignored me for the week then i asked what happened he explained how im 57 kg and have bad skin i look “unpleasantly off when we go out ” and “i dont even attempt to cover my bad skin, i make no contribution to our way of life” but i was still a guest, i complained about football , i wear the same 2 outfits because he told me he liked then but now he decided they were poor quality all this thrown in my face and now i have devolped a complex about my skin and weight thanks to him
He still keeps me on fb for some strange reason but he broke me down to the point i was saying sorry for things he did and overlooking all the horrid comments he made about me
i wonder if he sounds like a sociopath he told me hes not used to dealing with other peoples emotions hes just used to caring about himself and being by himself
thanks for the information
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He’s sounds like a real jackass! Would you be proud to call this guy your son or your brother? Is this the kind of person you’d want your child to grow up to become? Of course not! So why give him another second of consideration? You are not fat. Your skin is not bad. Your clothes are perfect for you. He’s the only thing in your life that stinks. 🙂
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OMG – it’s been a while so I hope and pray you are done with this SOB. Run, run, run. It doesn’t matter what label you put on him he’s just wrong, wrong, wrong.
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the one thing common to Sociopaths and Psychopaths is that they want sympathy above all else, once they have sympathy they have power to continue their mind games and evil schemes unhindered, anyone who has the strength of will to take courage and leave him/her has strength indeed and deserves a better life, way to go.
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Hello Paula, I haven’t posted in a while but I have been following the posts. Update: As of May 31st, my husband and I haven’t spoken. No scratch that, he slammed me on fb and made himself look like a victim because I left him and haven’t communicated with him. Otherwise, I finally decided that he’s really only looking out for himself since I have no income(after losing my job in March and having surgery in March). He wouldn’t even give me money to get anything I needed, yet everyday he would come home with cigarettes and a drink for himself after telling me he has no money. Everyday he would deny having money and everyday he would come home with what he wanted. He even came home with about 60 bucks worth of meat to barbecue one day because that’s what he wanted to do. Yet still gave me not one dollar! Needless to say, I got the picture and decided it’s time to look out for me since he wasn’t gonna do it. Unbeknownst to me, God was working things out in my favor also. I had applied to a job at the VA in Phoenix, Arizona back in February of this year and they called me for an interview in early May, right before our lease was about to end. I was ecstatic! I had been stressed out because I knew the lease was ending and he hadn’t saved any money for us to move. All my disability check would cover is my car note and insurance, thank God. He wouldn’t even talk to me about where we would go or what we were gonna do because it stressed him out (according to him). So everytime I would bring it up, he would snap off on me and tell me not to worry about it, he would handle it. But I knew better. So in early June, after I left him, they called and offered me the job, so of course, I accepted. Yay me! I have been staying at my daughter’s house(she travels alot so she’s not here) until I actually leave for Phoenix. I feel that God has given me another chance to get away from him and start my life over as far away as possible from him. I still talk to people who advocate on his behalf, saying how he misses me and he tells them that he wants his wife back. I just shake my head and tell them not to believe his lies but, of course, they’re gonna believe him anyway. I just can’t wait to leave. I read the posts everyday to remind me of why I left and to keep me away. So many of these stories are dead on to what I experienced with him. It’s almost eerie how similar these stories are. These people really are textbook! That’s crazy! I’ve also concluded that he’s a narcissistic psychopath because he’s midway beyond 50 and still going strong. So sociopath doesn’t fit him if it’s true that they lose steam after 50. He’s a lost cause and already moved on to his next conquest. I filed my divorce papers yesterday.
Thanks for the blog, it is strengthening me daily to keep my distance and not make contact.
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So happy opportunities are presenting themselves to you in the moments you need them most. To me, that’s a clear sign you are in-tune with what you want out of life and what no longer serves you. Yah, you! Thank you for sharing your recent breakthrough with us. 🙂 ❤
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this is a bunch of bs not only men can be that way you sexist. I know a female that is like that.
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MY abuser was a male, so MY story is about a BOY. Maybe read a little more beyond one page with the next blog you read before going on the attack.
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it is interesting to note that Sociopaths deteriorate past age fifty or thereabouts and lose the plot as it were with age,psychopaths remain psychopaths and Narcissists remain much the same but Sociopaths tend to ‘burn out’ which may be as a result of their constant scheming and requiring constant stimulation from the havoc they cause.
As well as the books talked about on here, a good book to read is Bully in sight by Tim Field, it deals mainly workplace bullying and there is a wealth of case studies of Sociopathic and Narcissistic personalities.
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Thank you for sharing this information, Phillip. I’ll check out the book…definitely.
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“lthough not all narcissists are sociopaths, all sociopaths are narcissists (Stout 2010).” Apparently neither you nor Stout understand what a contradiction is, and ironically that statement sounds narcissistic, as it’s pretentious.
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[…] Identifying a Sociopath. […]
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You described my husband.
I am planning to divorce and relocate to get away from this cold person.
I feel sorry for him he doesn’t have a clue.
I have read and listened to many other professionals talk about what a sociapath is and I hear the same thing over and other.
I knew something was wrong with how he think and do things. I started researching personaltiy disorders and socipath best describes him.
I tried to talk to my pastors about him but they just think we need counseling. Oh, he also has a drug and alcohol problem.
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only 2% of Sociopaths are violent but, Psychopaths perform gratuitous violence on animals and humans,I had a neighbour who was a violent Sociopath, she is now dead but her husband is a true Narcissist and still continues where she ‘left off’, I have had fifteen years of hell from not only these two but their ‘kids’ also who have been brought up in the antisocial mode of thinking, on a positive note, my experience has encouraged me to study psychopathology and which has helped enormously, I personally feel that the one in twenty five ratio for Sociopaths in a given population is slightly on the estimated low side, in the west the education system encourages competitive and hedonistic lifestyles instead of fostering a spirit of community, any society is judged on how they look after the old and the young, in the west we seek to kill both.
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What a crappy family you had to deal with through the years! I also believe the estimations are on the low side, too. But it’s better than remaining in denial that this type of person exists. I think the further the awareness spreads, the more reflection society will conduct on itself. I find it disgusting that so many people go through life in competition mode…constant competition mode. I even find it where I never imagined competition would be welcome…inside the yoga community. We can’t run from it physically or geographically. But we can refuse to participate at all levels. We can choose to redefine what brings happiness and joy to our lives outside of all those material acquisitions. Great pleasure and contentment comes from freeing ourselves from those THINGS. Imagine how infuriated the sociopaths would become if society ceases to put value on the only thing that means anything to them – wealth, status, reverence? It might cause them to self-destruct. I can only hope. 🙂
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Sometimes, narcissistic sociopaths even get elected as president…
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that’s true!
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[…] […]
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Is this the same as a psychopath ?
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Yes. The behaviors are the same. However, the researchers, who attempt to understand the “why” behind the behavior, make a distinction. Psychopaths are born without a conscience or ability to empathize; sociopaths are nurtured to be conscienceless. To the victims, it makes not a bit of difference. Many sites interchange the two terms. I stick with sociopath, because psychopath carries even more mythical and surreal connotations for folks. It’s myth and fantasy I’m hoping to dispel through awareness and education. 🙂
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How do we know this is not you the sociopath lying and manipulating us SP do try to change there identity. They truly are a wolf in sheeps clothing is the 666 comments a coincident my point is you never know who has this disorder ? I was married to a SP for 16 years and she is still terrorizing me and our children I don’t think she will ever stop she needs to be in cage!
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It must have been a sign to you, because I didn’t see the number until it appeared in your comment. And no one is asking you to trust anyone. What you should trust is your gut. That’s the only point in bringing awareness and continuing to write about the reality of people among us with zero conscience and zero ability to empathize with others. 🙂
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Hi Paula,
I have to say that I am at one of the lowest points in my life. I have spent the last 13 years with a Narc. The sad part is I just discovered the fact he had NPD just last summer. I know most will judge me as I am involved with a married man. He told me in the beginning and told me he was unhappy in his marriage but we could be friends. Then as time went on I fell in love with him. It was several months before we told each other we loved each other and also physically intimate. Several warning signs were there though. He would tell me he loved me, leave love notes on my apartment door. Then he would disappear for days and when we would finally talk, he would act as if he never told me he loved me or anything of the like. I then started to suspect he had other relationships with other women based on his behavior around them and his endless “female friends” who he was at one time or another involved with. If I mentioned anything about these other women, he would say I was possessive and that there was nothing I should be worried about. There are many many other things that I witnessed and made mental note of when I was with him that did not make sense. Many times my gut was telling me something was off about him but I chose to ignore it because I loved who I thought he was.
Fast forward about 8 years from the beginning. I had hit rock bottom trying to get him to love me, and only me and make a life with me. As he said he really loved me but could not leave his wife as his family would disown him and his career would be over. We worked in the same field and knew the same people in our career. I was an emotional mess by this time and lost not only one job, but many and my esteem was at an all time low. Then he said I should find someone else and move on. I was devastated. I thought about how unhappy I had become and decided it was time to let other people in in my life, as at the time I was isolated from my family as I had told a few of my family members what had been going on, and to say the least, they were sick of hearing about him and told me he was a loser and I should just get on with my life without him. I was also isolated, because I had no friends, as he was the center of everything for me.
The whole time I was trying to form a new relationship with someone that came into my life, the moment I let him know about this. He suddenly became interested in me and told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever.
Then BOOM! The love bombing was on! Overwhelming attention, constant texting, constant calling, late night calls to say “I Love You” Frequent trips to see me. This lasted for about a month. Then one night, we decided to spend the night together at a nice hotel. We had a nice dinner, then went to the hotel and made love. The most amazing sex I have ever had. I noticed at dinner, though he kept looking at his phone and made several trips to the restroom. This made me suspicious and could not get this off of my mind.
So then, I decide to look into his phone after he went to sleep. I was horrified and devastated to learn what he had been communicating with other women. He made plans with another woman, who apparently lived out of state that he had known before he was married, which was over 17 years ago!! He planned on seeing her 3 weeks from that day when she was coming into town. It was sickening!! The words and phrases he used with her sounded all too familiar. I also saw where he was taking with other women trying to sweeten them up as well to add to his stash of ego strokes. I was so hurt and devastated. I then confronted him and he said, in a calm manner that he was not upset and that those women meant nothing and the way he talked with them was just playful flirting that meant absolutely nothing. WOW! I asked him why he had not told me about meeting up with this woman. He said he had not thought of it as a big deal but knew that I would, so he decided not to tell me. I said that he was destroying trust between us and that he was lying be omission to me. He then got truly angry and said I was being a possessive, jealous bitch and that I had no business looking into his phone as this was an invasion of his privacy. He tried to turn everything around and make me feel like everything was my fault. I just dropped this and then started to question my sanity and who I was. Was I really the person with a serious problem? I wanted him to love me so much, I needed to believe he truly loved and cared for me as the alternative was too much for me to bear. Then in the fall all came to an end like it was no big deal to him. But, since we were both in the same industry and have professional interests and affiliation we remained contact, but we were no longer “together.”
Now, at this time I went into a complete depression. I lost my job again, as I could not concentrate or focus. I feel like a Zombie. He then contacts me and tells me he can get me a job where he works and he would be my colleague. At first, I said no, it was not a good idea. I thought, wow, he will be in a position above me and will make everything awful because he will have power over me. By this time though, I was desperate. I had no job and no prospects of getting one soon and I had to move back home. So, I took the job. It has since, been a mixed bag of emotions and issues. I am a professional and good at my job. I sometimes see the little jabs he makes at me to shake my confidence but do not let this alter my view of myself. I have recently learned though, he is yet again, talking with this woman and making sexual comments and trying to get her to move here and work here. If that happens, I will have to leave the profession, I don’t think I can take any more abuse from him. I sometimes feel I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I could tell many, many more horrible situations I have been involved with him in, but I don’t think this forum has enough space for that! Anyway, I feel I have lost all hope in humanity after this relationship. I feel he has taken everything.
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Kayla, he has NOT taken everything. You obviously still have your intuition and instincts intact, as well as your skills as a professional. You are aware and knowledgable about the possibility that he may be a sociopath/narcissist. Knowing this can free you from the power he once had over you and his ability to abuse you vanishes. But in order for this to happen, in order for his jabs and sexual exploits to no longer affect you, you must accept that he never loved you nor did he ever care about you. He doesn’t even care about the women that he is now flirting with and exploiting. He’s just after ego supply, which is as deep as he can go as a person. All of his jabs at you are because he sees an incredibly skilled and confident woman before him and he is unable to be skilled and confident so he tries to suck away your confidence with hateful jabs. Why do you care what such a person thinks of you? The more you react to it, the more he notices your reaction which fuels him to keep throwing the jabs at you. These people are just grown-up bullies who can’t stand to see any one succeed, especially if your success reveals his inadequacies and false/fake intelligence. Whoever coined “Misery Loves Company” was surely a sociopath. They are miserable people and want you to be just as miserable. Disengage.
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Kayla , He has not taken anything that you/we have not allowed them to take from us. We allow these men to take away our power and UNTIL you cut off ALL contact with them they will continue to have power over you with their minuplatuon. THEY ARE GOOD at what they do! I know first hand and will share my story….
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I’ve been where you are. He is a monster and you need to cut off all ties with him. It will be one of the hardest things you will ever do but in time you will feel like your self again. Happy,free,alive! It took me moving away,changing my #, getting a restraining order just to get him out of my life. I’m always looking over my shoulder. It sucks but I got my life back. I could write a book! It will get better but it’s up to you to make that change. Good luck and God bless
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You will find your feet again. We will all say a silent prayer for you You. must be strong and get out
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I’m still trying to pick my jaw up off of the floor after reading your story, Kayla. I’ve read multiple stories on here but YOURS is IDENTICAL to mine. It’s as if we have dated the very same person!! I know it’s unlikely but just wow!! I am in Texas and I can’t help but wonder if your SP’s name happens to start with a “B”?
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All I can think at the moment is just “wow.” These traits describe my girlfriend’s (she’s 23) parents to a T. Even though I’ve studied psychology extensively (I’m going for my MA in psych soon), it never dawned on me that her parents could be sociopaths. Her mother is practicing doctor, lawyer, and professor and her father is a retired lawyer. She has Crohn’s and they use that to their advantage. They do things like telling her that she’s a failure, fat, stupid, lazy, etc. Any attempt at us seeing each other causes them to freak out and tell her things such as: “Good little girls don’t do ‘that.’ You want to be good and obey, don’t you?” or “You have Crohn’s, so you don’t have the same rights. You can’t just do what you damn well please.” The father wakes her up every night at about 12:30 – 1:00 and will demand to know what she’s doing and why. The father has also attempted to manipulate my girlfriend into leaving me because I’m disabled as well (I’m legally blind, I have cerebral palsy, and GAD) and he’ll say: “you need to marry someone rich and that’s capable of doing something.” It has been a complete hell for both of us and neither of us knows how we should proceed. We just want this nightmare to be over.
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Can you simply disengage and move away? Are either of you financially tied to her parents? Sometimes we have to sacrifice material benefits so we can get to the heart and soul of life. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.
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Paula, thank you for your reply. Neither of us are finically tied to her parents. She has enough money to escape, even though they force her to ask permission for any amount of her money and I have family willing to take her in. She tried to escape before, but it ended with her father tackling her to the ground. She’s also terrified of leaving because her parents have her brainwashed by telling her: “If you try escape, you’ll be arrested. Disabled people can’t just be on the streets; you know that.” She has made a lot of progress. When I first met her, even the thought of not having her parents’ permission to do something triggered a panic attack. Just out of curiosity, do you think her parents are sociopaths?
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I think her parents sound fearful, fearful of losing control of a disabled daughter that they have felt obligated to protect her entire life. Is that control in place because they are pathological or is it in place because they have fooled themselves into believing the world is unsafe for their daughter as a disabled person? I don’t know. Regardless, your GF is not free, physically or emotionally. She has an obligation, a love and a bond with her parents. I’m sure she feels too guilty just to leave them, abandon them, but at the same time she feels suffocated and like a caged bird. Plus, she feels an added pressure to please you and to prove she loves you, also. Giving her some time and space may help her gain the courage to make the choice that is best for her. Time and behavior will help determine her parent’s motives more clearly.
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im still trapped. 5 long sad debilitating years of crying & hopelessness every single day thanks to an impossible sensless troublemaker (& i mean he is ruining my life with his 100% carelessness cause he knows i have noone else & going to die soon.) the hell on earth i’ve been through is incomprehensible & the sad part is… he has everyone, even tons of people i never even met, hating me & he’s probably the most verbally abusive person that ever existed. he’s evil & he knows it & he thinks it’s hillarious. i know i know… why dont i just leave? well, lets see…. i have a debilitating autoimmune disease & it’s gotten like 20 times worse over the past few years (gee i wonder why). ive had 7 major surgeries including heart surgery & a fractured back & had a miracle toddler which i love more than life itself & is the best thing that ever happened to me which he’s almost caused me to lose i dont know how many times with his careless senseless drama… & he’s so sneaky he throw me under the bus for everything while ive literally done nothing wrong cept try to be with a heartless monster since i literally have no family support or friends at all whatsoever. & i desperately need help in my physical condition. he knows im trapped so he tortures me. sounds pretty sad huh… yea i know. before you blame me for not being strong enough to get away… let me remind you guys you have no idea of my situation or condition. im dsperate & beyond depressed. i never in a million years couldve imagined feeling this down.
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Anonymous, there is absolutely no one here who is going to blame you for remaining. As you detail, it’s easier said than done to get out, to walk away, to escape, especially once you’re isolated. I obviously do not know your complete circumstances, but have you reached out to anyone in your locale?
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Anonymous, Like Paula said no one that has had their life torn apart and had the rug pulled out from under them would never blame you or judge you. We are here for support and if we can help with resources to help you in anyway please know we are all here. If you can– go to any public social services dept or counseling office in your community to find help and insight in to possible steps and ways to help you.
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My brother has all of the traits in the 1st list and 17 of the second list. He physically attacked me in front of everyone on a family boating holiday last week after I challenged him on something he said. It was like a blanket came down, definitely uncontrolled rage, gritted teeth, red, very contorted face, (I have the bruises still) then after a while he started talking to me as if nothing had happened. How do I find out for sure (I have had my suspicions for a long time but never been in his company long enough to clarify this) because it is of real concern to me. He seems to get worse as he gets older.
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You already know, LucyJ. The answer is inside of you. It’s not necessary to get an “official” diagnosis or to gather more physical and tangible evidence or proof. The important thing is to recognize what he does to your mind and how he makes you feel about yourself. Anytime someone makes you feel “less than,” that should be a red flag that that person is manipulating you and acting from a place of fear and a need to control, not from a place of love and acceptance. You need to trust your gut. 🙂
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Try a safe house in your area. They are shelters for women and children getting away from abusive partners. The one in my area offers apartments for two years to help rebuild your life in every area. They will even send a car out to come and get you and your children. Try calling the domestic abuse hotline in your area for help and see what they may offer. I wish you well and hope you find peace and happiness in your life. Jp
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Wow. As I am sitting here reading this article and all the comments, I am blown away with how my ex fits these exact descriptions. When I first met him two years ago he swept me off my feet, so charming and cunning, I lingered on his every word. He had me believing we were soul mates, and the sex was something from my wildest dreams. We bought a house together after only 3 months after we just met. Then everything seemed to twist upside down and he took a turn for the worst. He became so angry and violent. His temper was uncontrollable. It started with breaking objects like throwing cell phones against the wall. Then he threw my cat across the room. He would freak out on me if I swept the floor wrong, and have me in tears while he shook my face and gripped me up. One time we were at his families house and he told me through grit teeth that we were leaving, I knew I was going to be in for it. I can’t even remember what I said that set him off but he started screaming at me as soon as we got into the car and was driving 60 Mph on a 35 mph road, then slammed on his breaks and when I jolted forward he told me he wished my head would’ve went through the windshield. All he did was put me down and had my self esteem so low and made me feel awful, like I was never good enough for him, even when I did everything for him. He could tell me to “jump,” and I would ask “how high?” I don’t even know how things got like that. I would’ve never let any man treat me like that. But I just loved him so much. I always told him how good looking he was even though he always put down my looks. Anytime he said something mean and hurtful and I got upset, he would try and say he was “joking.” He would never pay his bills on time or at all to the point of them going to collections, he would rack up his credit card debt and let his credit score drop even though I worked so hard raising it so we could buy the house. He’s always in between jobs. He would lie about everything, but it would be the smallest things that he had no reason to lie about and then when I would catch him in a lie, he would turn it around and end up screaming at me and making it seem like my fault, to the point of where I would almost start believing it. He would always leave and be very vague with where he was going and never give any details. I don’t know if he was ever cheating but I always felt like he was, but I could never prove it. I just don’t understand how he never felt bad for anything he put me through. He was never sorry no matter how much he hurt me or how much I cried. How can I be so obsessed and infatuated with someone like this? I tried ending it after 8 months and then I immediately was so sad because he didn’t even seem upset that he lost me, so I was the one crying to him how I loved him so much still and that maybe we can work things out. I just wanted him to go back to the person I fell in love with, that sweet and charming man he was for those first few months. Things would get better for a few weeks, but then he would go right back to being that mean cruel and controlling person. The thing was I didn’t even mind that he was controlling. I didn’t care about letting him go through my phone or dictate what I did or where I went. I just wanted him to treat me right in return. I wanted things to be fair – give and take. I liked that he was jealous because it made me think that he cared. It was as if even seeing those awful traits and emotions, was somewhat the least bit satisfying because that showed me he does have some sort of feelings in him for me. If he could get that angry and jealous, if he could black out and go off with the snap of a finger, then that showed he did care somehow, even if it wasn’t the right way of showing it. About 6 months ago we got into the worst fight over something so small, he ended up destroying my Disney collectables, and moving out. He took everything and left me with an empty house and a hefty mortgage. I broke down, I missed him so much because he made me feel like I needed him, like I couldn’t live without him. He pinned his whole family and friends against me. Telling them that I’m crazy and that I’m the one to blame. I just don’t understand how they can believe him. I have all the facts on what he’s done to me and said to me and how he has hurt me and how I’ve done everything for him and was so loyal and devoted to him. But it’s like he has them under a spell. How can he trick so many people and get away with it? After a while it felt like I was starting to get over him, and with the least bit of sign that I was moving on, he came right back. Crying, apologizing, sucking me in with the words and the sex like how he did in the beginning. But not wanting to really work on things or commit or change. All talk and no actions. I kept taking him back thinking I could change him. Somehow fix him into being a better person that I know he could be if he just tried. He would string me along and play mind games with me. He knows exactly how to keep me hanging on. It’s so hard to leave him. He made my self worth so low that I felt like I didn’t deserve anyone better. I feel like it’s impossible to not think about him because I love him so much and I am so attached to him to the point of obsession. I ended up getting pregnant and now I’m 12 weeks. He didn’t want a child at all, and I feel like he is resenting me, all he does is fight with me, and we stopped talking again. He wants nothing to do with my pregnancy but I know once the baby comes he will try and get custody. I don’t know what to do. How do I get over someone like this and let him go? How is it going to be when I have my child, should I try to keep the baby away from him? Will the courtroom believe me when I tell them he has a narcissistic sociopath? Is there a chance that someone like him could be a good father in any way? Do people like this ever change? I don’t know why I want to have hope that someday he will be a good person to me. Maybe I’m just wishful thinking.
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My heart is breaking for you, Jamie. You’ve found yourself where I once found myself. We think if they show anger, they must know love, too. We think the anger and jealousy comes from a place of love. But their emotions just come from that dark place void of a conscience. Their behavior and seeming emotions are nothing but projections of how they view the world and the world is their enemy because they are also their own worst enemy. And pitying these people won’t serve us. It only hurts us. These relationships are like addictions because we keep chasing that high we got in the beginning that simply keeps eluding us. And it WILL continue to elude us because the sociopath’s attraction was a betrayal from the start, just like a drug. And I know of no court, at this time, that will consider the validity of a pathological disorder diagnosis unless it comes from a licensed and certified mental health professional. Even then, the implications seem to have no bearing on a judge’s ruling in family court. The word of their victim means nothing. So always focus on the facts while in the courtroom. Just the facts. Document and record what you can. And stay healthy for your child. If you are able to emotionally detach from his abuse while pregnant, even better. Just remember that the power to start thinking differently about what he is doing to your rational mind is within you. Awareness and acceptance is key. You were drawn to this site and others like it for a reason. There are no coincidences. 🙂
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Research research research Narcissists, antisocial personality disorder, sociopaths, everything…research wives of the lowest of the low and see how they kept hoping. Denial is not just a river in egypt. That statement means, denial happens, and it can happen to ANY of us, it exists, shake yourself. Do you know how many sociopaths wives had no idea? 10s of 1000’s. They don’t change. And he turned friends against you, he will use that child against you even before it is out of your womb. 2nd Paula’s advice to record everything you can. Be a momma bear and if you can, do everything you can to save that child a life like the one you’re going through. Remember, momma bears, they fight to the death. What you will go through to break free will feel like it’s crushing your soul, it will hurt, like giving up a very strong drug addition, but accept the pain. Go to your torrent site and download some nature films and watch raw instinct take it’s course, i found it very inspiring. Imagine *him*, picking up that child and taking it from you. Imagine it. I know what you would do then, you would fight to the death. This can no longer be about thoughts a relationship or about HIM, there is only one that matters now and it’s the child. Would you give up heroin for the child? Of course you would try. Fight your addiction to him. Fight your fear. You can detach while he’s there, emotionally shut down even while he’s in your presence, research that online if you can. All easier said than done, but a momma bear can get that strength. Keep researching the internet and make sure you use a private browser. Reach out online to forums. Record on paper or on digital cloud everything you can. Everything he does to you he will do to your child, and you cannot imagine the hell he will inflict on you then. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.You can ask any. child. that grew up in a home like this, what they would want you to do, they would beg and plead you, please, please, save us from this. Go research children of narcissist, children of sociopaths, and imagine your child writing those words. Download any wildcat or bear documentary, watch them until you’re blue in the face. And fight. I’m praying for you for strength for you and for that child. When he says horrible things to you, imagine a toddler hearing that. Imagine a baby being called that. Imagine that child being taken from you. Visualize it. And fight. (but be very very very quiet about it. Stealth).
You find a lawyer who deals with contentious divorces. You go to a domestic violence center and ask their advice. You know they don’t set up shop because they’re bored, they’re there to help you not be isolated, unadvised, alone, and helpless. They are there to save you and that child from a life of hell. Fight the chains. Fight your dreams that this abuser will change. And let that child be born into peace.
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I have learned in my life what I am and generally stay away from people being a sociopath myself I have seen the results of my actions not that I care or worry about it never involve your self with people like me it never works well.
Kevin
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I have been dealing with a sociopath narcissist for 4 years she was my girlfriend for 4 years many many many times if I had to write a book I would name it there is no hope for the devil. Everything you say in this article is dead on it’s hard to even talk to people because it takes too long to explain when you tell someone that someone is crazy aight think that’s just a figure of speech. So a lot of times or most the time you don’t even talk to people about your situation. Its been pure hell.I guess I did think of one more name of the book if I roll one it would be heaven and hell
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Great titles, Steve! I’ve often described the relationship to others as hell on earth. I’m hoping my ex remains in his hell, far away from me and my loved ones. These people don’t deserve the same considerations the rest of us have earned. They just don’t. Many consider that harsh and hateful of me, but for those of us who “get it” and have seen the evil know it’s absolutely justified. 🙂
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Yes Steve, I called my narcissitic sociopath ” The Devil Has Blue Eyes”. I truly believe he was Satan in human form.
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Yes Steven this description is right. I noticed the narcissistic behavior in his mom first as I was attaining my bachelors in psychology…it took me longer to finally put the pieces together that my ex was the same. I did once way before I got out of hell, instant message my mother in law one morning..good morning Satan…it fit perfectly..though she did not like it much. This is a very damaging disorder that ruins many people’s lives and families.
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Make a plan with a trusted friend. Not via txt or email…it can be logged… and get out. I said I was visiting family just like a hundred times before. Do not go back for any reason. Ignore your family when they try to get you back together his abuse has tricked them too. You get one chance to leave safely.
Search “leaving safely” from a public computer or incognito page and clear history or call a women’s welfare centre in your area for advice. Go!
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I have dealt with a narcissistic sociopath since 1996. We had a child together and it wasn’t long after our child was born that she really started to show her true colors. In hindsight I know exactly why everything went to hell after our child was born. I was no longer a challenge to her, so she believed. She now had hooks into me financially, and emotionally. She planned a final con on me to get our child and her completely out of the state we lived together in. She said she was offered and secured a great job out of state. She acted like she was remorseful for her antics she pulled while living together. She talked like she wanted me to move to her new destination as soon as I could do so, and she could easily support me while I adjusted to a new city and state. I was skeptical but I really wanted things to work for the sake of our child. Well I never moved because the so called job she had never existed. She lied as long as she could to keep me at bay, but I eventually gained the proof that she was completely full of crap. The damage was done, she managed to move our son out of state without me contesting it in court. Now came the hooks. I received legal paperwork for child support. My first attorney was not the best, but I managed to get a monthly visitation schedule with an agreement that she reimburse half my airline travel each month. I did get hit with fairly heavy child support for the young age of our child, but it was out of my control. I travelled for 8 years every single month to see our child. Although I submitted copies of airline receipts, I was never reimbursed a penny. I went to court and got contempt judgments, but they were worthless. She would come to court saying she is involved in a start up business and just doesn’t have extra funds. She even tried to con extra money from me by telling me our son needed special medications and she didn’t have enough. I never gave her anything extra because I knew my child support was her only solid income she had. She would lie and con money from family, friends, and the many mates she hooked up with. The main con she used was that I was a deadbeat dad and never paid anything. She even went so far as to tell some people she was somehow supporting me because I was the father of her child. This of course worked for awhile until people got smart to her game. By then she had a new network of people lined up to con. I ended up biding my time and gathering lots of proof the she was unstable to care for our child. Armed with a good attorney I won custody of our child in 2007 at the age of 10. I thought perhaps my troubles would be more manageable now that I had legal primary care, but joint custody. I was wrong. She systematically tried everything to jack up my ability to parent, and our ability to work together raising our child. First of all she never pays child support because she is never working. She keeps conning new people out of money, and had a 4 year marriage to an attorney. She was trying to gold dig her attorney and use him for legal advise on how to screw with me. Visitations were never normal. She would bring our child back late. She tried a number of times not to return our child at all. I was forced to keep going back to court to modify of visitation order. Each time she was proven to have lied in court, and she was hit with a number of contempt judgments. This only infuriated her to become even more spiteful. Almost 40 grand and counting is what she owes for support, but my wonderful judgment were nothing more than paper to wipe my butt with. Oh I I can’t forget her numerous attempts to have me investigated by child protective services. She now has a bench warrant for failure to appear and thus my life has been somewhat normal. She knows I will have her arrested if she comes to town and that actually scares her. Sociopaths don’t like losing control so jail is avoided at all cost. I may never recover the child support, but my sanity to raise our child without problems is worth it. Our child went from a C/D grade average while being brainwashed monthly by her, to a straight A student when she no longer came for visitations. She is evil and I know I’m not the only poor soul to have dealt with the abuse. Don’t feel stupid because you were involved with a sociopath. They are cunning con artist. I wouldn’t say they are super smart when it comes to lying. They are convincing in the sense they can look at anyone and boldly lie. It’s just once you know how they are, you can see how carelessly they throw lies together. Good luck to others who deal with them. If you have no legal attachment to them, run, change your number, even your address if possible. If the sociopath has been in a position to rifle through your personal belongings, computer, email, documents, assume they have done so already. They look to exploit you for whatever they can from the beginning you meet them.
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Thank you, Anonymous! I’m very happy you and your children are in a better place…finally! It’s so sad that their need for control runs so deeply. They refuse to relinquish any kind of control or make simple and reasonable compromises all in the name of convincing others that they are the true victim. There is always a big venture they have planned because being “normal and average” is tasteless to them. The bigger the fake passion, the better they think they look to others. And you’re right about their intelligence. We give them too much credit. But those of us who are finally in-tune with ourselves and intuition are too challenging for the narcs/sociopaths of the world. We spot the con the moment they try shaking our hands.
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God bless you for saving that child. : ).
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I have just dumped a sociopath, not really knowing what he was until I started reading these web-sites and blogs. There was no question that he was a narcissicist as well. His opinion of himself was very arrogant and not validated by any of his actions or relationships I never met a single person of importance in his life because there were none..It is bizarre though because I felt nothing for him in the end and began to get bored of the fantastical stories and then the lack of follow through for anything on his part. He was NOT an equal partner socially, emotionally or financially and the lies were so over the top and such nonsense I could not believe they actually came out of his mouth with a straight face. I told him this at the end and he sat there in utter shock, because I actually called him on it and told him I was no longer interested in the truth. I have blocked him from all e-mails, texts and Facebook contacts. My friends have also blocked him so he cannot access me in any way. I am only a bit concerned that he may just pop up unexpected but I really don;t think he will. It is far too easy for him to move o and sponge off the next girl. He does this for a living and I know I have already been replaced. I really appreciate reading all of your posts and appreciate web-sties like this that bring this type of behaviour out into the open. I know I did the right thing and feel supported by all of your stories. Thank You Laura
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You’re welcome, Laura. You have wonderful friends.
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Laura I’m glad you are reading on this subject sociopath I pray everyday that you can get help so you responding on Pallas web here anonymous on May 20th and calling me the devil with blue eyes gave me a good laugh for the day. But it’s not surprising that you try to turn everything back to me like usual that’s what people like you do I pray for you laura maybe you can get help now and realize the disease you have if we call it a disease steven holt
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And somehow he finds her here, when she’s not even using her full name…..
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Thank you for writing this article. My late mother fits this description to a “T”…I could go on with the abuse…however she passed on 4 years ago….and sadly I am finding myself in some sort of weird identity crisis. I will no doubt be looking into some type of counseling. Thank you again.
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don’t be fooled Paula please, the laura on your blog is this sociopath!at least he is reading on this subject and another good site love fraud I told her about. That is Donny Anderson site she was married to a sociopath for 35 years.
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If you all stopped being the victim and got over your obsession and had real friends you might all get well. Nobody cares ha ha ha!!!!!
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Thank you, wise sage. My life has been saved thanks to your insights and truth telling. Shall I share your static IP address so others can make their pilgrimage to your front door in Manchester near Thomas Street North for more of your wisdom and guidance? (Wow. Thanks for the laugh.)
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Truthteller should just spend a little time educating him/herself before sharing any thoughts. The old adage comes to mind… better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
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It appears we have a sociopath among us in real life form!!
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It sure does. I usually don’t respond to them. They end up slinking away when ignored. 🙂
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Obviously the prattle of someone completely void of affective empathy!
Your disordered moral reasoning is showing!
Only a sociopath would fail to see that the folks who come to this site have been dealt significant harm. Lack of empathy, as well as shallow emotions would enable a person like you to be unaffected by what caring people undergo at the merciless hands of folks like you.
Many of the participants here are caught in intricate emotional webs, and betrayal bonds, that heartless predators have established. No one has the right to deliberately, and selfishly, harm others. And no one with even an iota of common decency would expect the victim to simply shed their pain and prance onward.
Joyce
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Michael E. Wise from Kirkland, IL. Is a hepatitisC positive sociopath
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Thanks gratefulone, that helps me a lot! I too have had to take time off work for surgery and now I no longer have a job. Even though I made the most money and took care of mostly everything, including having to tell him, every month, to only pay the utilities, he makes me feel like a burden to him and even tells people, like I’ve never worked, that I don’t do anything and he has to do it all and I don’t appreciate him. I know God did not intend for me to live like this and that’s why I struggle with leaving. My daughter has a home miles away and said I can come stay with her till I get on my feet. Our lease is up this month, so I’m seriously considering it. Especially since we have no money saved to move(which is my fault according to him),and hhe’s not even concerned about it. So, I kinda see this as my way out. Thanks for your prayers and I do feel more at ease due to what you’ve said.
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I have mentioned divorce a few times and even filled out the paperwork. The first time, he absolutely refused to sign them. The second time he said he wasn’t even considering me going anywhere and the third time, well let’s just say, I still have the paperwork ready to go. He actually mentioned divorce to me 3 days ago and said we should just get one because we’re not getting anywhere in this marriage, as if he’s the victim. Since then, he has been on “good behavior”. We both have children from previous marriages but none together. My biggest dilemma is my religion and my faith are haunting me about giving up on my marriage because God does not like divorce. I’m so torn between leaving him, again, and trying to make it work for the sake of my Christianity. I am getting tired and worn daily and really don’t know what to do aside from prayer. My psychologist doesn’t even believe he’s a narcissistic sociopath, maybe npd, but not sociopathic. She’s a member at our church too and because he works with the church and many members in their homes,(he’s a licensed contractor), no one from the church believes he can do the things I say. He lies on me to them, so some of them think I’m the problem in our marriage because that’s what he’s telling them. I’m so tired of fighting and defending myself. He refers to me as ‘her dumb ass’, when talking to people. He has nothing good to say about me unless I’m there and even then it’s jokingly. I feel no love, no genuine love, from this man. I feel like I married my worst enemy.
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I completely understand your dilemma. As far as your psychologist not believing you that he’s sociopathic, that’s okay. No one else needs to “get it” 100%. The only way to “get it” 100% is for them to be fully exposed to his lack of conscience, empathy and remorse. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. It’s up to you to reconcile in your heart what you should do, for yourself and for your children. I follow a blogger who is a Christian Pastor and he writes from a place of faith about narcissists every Friday. He categorizes these posts as “It’s Narcissist Friday!” posts. I am positive that you may be able to find some answers related to your faith on his site. In my opinion, no God would hold it against you for eliminating toxic and evil from your life. Eve was duped by the devil. I think most of us, as shameful as it is, would admit we were, too. Here is the link to the blog: http://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/
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I need to say that my husband is a narcissistic sociopath. He has told
so many lies about me to friends and family. Of course the people who know me knew he was lying because it wasn’t my character. He tried to make himself look like a hero when I attempted suicide, when he was the cause of my breakdown. My children and siblings despise him! I couldn’t understand how someone could be so cold hearted towards a woman he married for Christ sake! He lies daily to the point that I trust nothing he says. He attends church with me every week, even bible study and yet, he hasn’t one ounce of Christianity in his bones, not to mention his heart. I truly need to break away. He fooled me into going back to him four times, and then I married him. I feel so stupid!
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This article helped me identify the trouble I seem to be in. My husband had me thinking I was crazy and I almost killed myself due to his overwhelming condition and the way he treats me and talks to me. I’m so glad that I have an answer to so many questions. Now I understand what I’m living with and I have shared thus article with others who now know what kind of person he is, so I’m not alone anymore. Now I’m torn between my faith and leaving him for my own sanity. I could really use some tips on how to “escape”.
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Kimberly, I am so happy you found some answers and are beginning to understand your life with your husband. I’m so sorry you found yourself in that dark place. The majority of us have been there. I was there. How comfortable and confident do you feel bringing up the subject of divorce with your husband? Do you have children with him or are your children from a previous relationship? So many things to consider before leaving in order to protect yourself and your children from any possible retaliation he may use through the court system.
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Kimjonel, I’m a devout Catholic. I’m also divorced. My counselor spoke to my ex as part of my healing. the first thing I could suggest is find a counselor who is not associated with your personal life. That’s just my humble opinion. After my counselor spoke privately to my ex, who is a narcissist, for two of my sessions, After, I was told to stay while I could for my son’s sake. The bottom line is I was advised that I had to separate or become a statistic. I had overdosed on pills previously and lay in my car, unconscious, for almost nine hours. I am only here by the grace of God. My ex, after I moved to a separate room in the house, came in almost nightly and told me she could kill me in my sleep if she wanted to. Our God did not mean for us to live in this way and is very forgiving of our mistakes. My Priest told me I would be fine with the church… God knows our hearts. This life is not a dress rehearsal and we aren’t meant to suffer through it. We only get one shot to do it right and we are meant to be happy and fulfilled individuals. NS people can be very charming and affable when they are out in public, but all bets are off in private. Run… don’t walk, to the nearest lawyer and live in a shelter for abused women if you must. When I left my marital home I couch surfed and lived out of my car for almost a year. I was six months removed from a near fatal car accident and disabled. All I heard was how useless I was now. I walked away with nothing and did odd jobs to survive until I could recover enough to reinvent myself and start to work again. The bottom line for me is if I wanted out I just had to decide to make it work. In the end it was the best decision I ever made. Oddly narcissists are not few and far between. My girlfriends brother is one and his girlfriend is an NS, who I have written about here previously. We are having great fun dealing with these two. We all have the strength within us to do what we need to do. The hardest thing is to decide to decide. I’ll say a prayer for you.
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Thank you, GratefulOne. 🙂
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Wow. Talk about a sack if reality. I am currently in a divorce that is with a narcissistic sociopath. Married to him for 11 years. Was trying desperately to have children-crazy remedies, IUI treatments, IVF all the shots – finally I get pregnant last jan and went to tell him the news and he was not happy. Abandoned me throughout my whole pregnancy while I was know bed rest. To me he was depressed and trapped and not going to know how we could afford a baby bla bla bla. Come to find out he was living a double life with another woman for who knows how Long, got her pregnant a month before me. As there for her pregnant and birth of his son and not there for me and my baby girl. The coldness, no guilt nothing. My daughter looks exactly like him and he is obsessed with her because she looks exactly like him. He moved out and is living with her and their baby. Just dropped us like trash. He cheated and used me for my money for the entire marriage. He manipulated me and he knew me more than I knew myself. So people trust your gut! I ignored signs. He had underlies affairs and came home exhausted all the time. Slept in and I did everything for him. He was in charge of finances thou. His new job is very successful and him and his new gf are living a well off life but it will never be enough for him. He will bore and use her too. That is what she gets for sleeping with a married man. Karma however is on my side and she is getting him good at the moment! All I have to say is he passed 3 kidney stones and texted me how excruciating the pain was. I said – I hear it’s like child birth. I did it so you will be fine! Stop complaining!!! Good riddance!
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Hehe! Poor fella…had to pass some kidney stones. Seems like his karma is catching up to him. I am simply happy, however, that you and your baby are away from him and he is preoccupied with a new target/supply. Is he making the divorce process hell for you? With this other child keeping him busy, you may be ideally positioned to walk away quietly without too many custody headaches. But with a daughter that looks just like him, she may be one possession he won’t easily part.
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I am definitely in a relationship with a man that is NO all the way. I don’t even know where to begin. The emotional abuse is horrible and he is pretty physical and when he is physical it’s bad. And of course at the beginning he was amazing I couldn’t believe it I thought finally I found my true soul mate but that turned out to be the complete opposite. I now am completely lost. I have very deep depression which before him I had it controlled but now it’s taken over me all the way. I am nothing of what I use to be. I have no self worth and just feel stuck. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to just leave him I threaten it all the time and have tried plenty I still have a hard time understanding how he can be so cruel and have no remorse…its hard to relize that these monsters are real. I need help and want help plz someone help me and the sad part is I have my beautiful 3 yr old daughter with me to.
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You’re living with him? You and your daughter? Is your daughter his daughter? If you can’t leave for yourself, leave for her. She deserves a happy and healthy mother and you will never be happy and healthy in a toxic relationship. Do you have family you can contact to help you? Anyone that can physically help you move and find a new and safe place for you and your daughter?
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Thank you so much for this article. I’m currently in a horrible place as a result of dating a sociopath. Reading your article has really helped me to quit trying to fix things or understanding the logic behind how he treats me. I am done with being psychologically and emotionally abused. Your words have helped clear the situation for me and I can finally free myself from it and him.
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You’re welcome!
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This articulates my exact feelings. I also am shocked at the illogical process by a justice system lacking of any justice in which these people can control the law. I’ve been dealing with false allegations resulting in a TRO. When the plaintiff reached out to me via email saying they wanted to drop it etc and it was getting out of hand I, thinking a sociopathic narcissist had a change of heart, called to talk like adults. I was arrested the next day for violating a restraining order. I recently lost my job and have had to spend about 15,000 in lawyer fees as they are allowed to file for a restrsining order, have it become final and then drop it. It’s a kalfkaesque nightmare.
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That’s disgusting! How do the police and courts not see the trap these people set up? How?
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Women (and other power minorities like GLBTIQ folk, working class, underpriviliged, non-Anglo, or migrants) communicate relationally…contextually in terms of relationships.
Hetero white men with privilige (or who imitate that privilige for purposes of power) speak in terms of fact. Courts and police only deal with facts. (Who writes the laws??? For most of western history rich white men)
When you deal with Police and Courts you have to manage your image and conduct. You must have meticulous records of communications, take notes on phone and date then if you have to speak on ph but try and get him to commit to an email or text. have composure, play the game. Every time you deal with a government agency or specialist take notes, get copies. Trust noone. Officers of the state are exhausted and departmental functionaries are too underpaid to listen, be diligent or care. Your feelings and sense of injustice serve you nothing here. Speak well, be the best version of yourself, respond to the court not the idiot. His lawyer is just paid, it’s not personal. The officers are desensitised so save your tears. It’s not their kids whose well being is at stake.
Walk away where you can. And learn not to lose it with each new email or legal letter … it’s a game sister. And you’re smarter, wiser and more gracious than he is.
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My girlfriend is a wonderful person. Her brother is a narcissist. His girlfriend is a narcissistic sociopath. She, the girlfriend, has decided that my girlfriend is her enemy and she is systematically poisoning my girlfriends brothers mind against her to the point of him becoming physically violent. He came into her office last week and smashed her desk into kindling during a screaming fit of furry. All the time accusing her of things she never said or even inferred. We are all in our 50s and 60s. It is becoming more and more apparent that the brother’s girlfriend is doing everything possible to end any relationship between my girlfriend and her brother. But to what end? It was equally apparent prior to this that she was trying to put an end to my girlfriend and I. We used to go out together and towards to end of our socializing I would look up and catch her looking at me like she wanted to stab me with her steak knife. Then there were the numerous times that, when they were at our home for a birthday or some other occasion, as soon as I stood up she would jump into my seat before I would come back… Every time. She would even go to the extreme of moving my dinner dish and move to my spot at the dinner table. It was bizarre. My guess is that she saw me as a threat to the delicate balance she had achieved and her perceived ownership of my girlfriend before I came along and ruined everything. Anyway, is there some way of opening my girlfriend’s brother’s eyes to the fact that he, a narcissist, is dating a narcissistic sociopath, or do we wash our hands of them and make a run for it?
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It may be best not to engage. These people can be very unpredictable in the lies they spin, and you have no idea what lies have already been set into motion through triangulation and manipulation of others. Uuuuggghh! I’m really sorry you are dealing with the insanity.
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Yes, the insanity… My girlfriend and I bang our heads together trying to understand the motivation behind them turning against us. The brother’s girlfriend just wants what she wants and her action is not the product of rational thought. So, the answer can’t be the product of rational thought. Hence, since her brother is a narcissist and can’t ever admit he’s wrong, his reaction to his narcissistic sociopath girlfriend’s manipulation can’t be wrong either. The worst thing you could ever do for a narcissist is give him a narcissistic sociopath for a girlfriend. Talk about toxic!!!
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Its amazing how many traits my ex had.he fits the description of a NS.I didn’t know it until I left him..that was a 1 year ago and im still thinking of him..he sent me a text that was meant for someone else..in it he says he’s engaged and so happy..why would he send this to me accidentally or on purpose. .I didn’t respond..
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Because he wants you to think about him and to be affected by him. He likes knowing he still can pull your strings and control you, even in his absence. These fools are absolutely delusional. Everyone affects everyone to a degree. The fact you think about him is normal. You think about everyone who has ever entered your life. It’s normal. But to this fool, he’s the only person from your past you think about or consider. That text was no accident. Good for you for not responding.
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You’ll know you’re getting the NSSOB out of your system when you don’t even bother looking past the “from” line before you hit delete!!!
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[…] Source: Paula’s Pontifications […]
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Hi, I’m not sure if my husband is a NS
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Then start with what you are sure about…how he makes you feel about yourself and your worth. If being with him drains you and makes you feel worthless, confused and depressed, even if you can’t define what he is, you can define the relationship as toxic. I’m so sorry.
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[…] Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath […]
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I am so glad I came across this site. I am just getting out of a five year relationship with a narcissist/sociopath. It has been a very difficult, confusing, life changing experience. I am in therapy but still am having a very difficult time. I loved this man with my whole heart, it is so hard to look back on all of the horrible words and events of our relationship and comprehend at all why I miss him and cry. It is unfathomable to me that he never loved me. I pray that in time I will heal and make peace. I have been on many sites and have read so much. One common theme seems to be that I should absolutely NOT contact him now that he is out of my life. So hard but it has been ten days with no contact so far. Thank you for your site and information.
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Mari, I’m glad you’re finding validation and realizing what all of us who have been where you have been absolutely agree is the key to moving forward: no contact! I know it’s hard. I do. I was the queen of breaking no contact. Each time I did, I was sent back to square one in my emotional recovery. Reading sites like this will help you maintain no contact. Be strong and never be ashamed to reach out for help. Namaste! ~Paula
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I’m proud of you. 10 days are a good start. One day at a time. I too, have been involved for 4.5 years and am at 10 days with no contact. I know he will contact me again. It’s what he does. This new victim, he’s now back with again after breaking up with 3 times. I finally emailed her a warning knowing I shouldn’t hv. Of course she didn’t know about me and I know she is believing his lies, but felt I needed to tell her. I will hear from him, either hatefulness for contacting her or pleading to come back again, either way, I will not respond. I always have before, just to get me back where I was, loving and believing in him, praying for change. It won’t happen. I finally choose me ! U hv to choose u and realize you deserve more and true love. The sociopath has no ability to give you what you need or deserve. Let him go ! Choose to love and accept YOU ! Heal from this. You can, and you will ‘
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I have been with my husband for 27 years, in the begining never felt so loved and understood.Now never felt so dessolate ,bereft and abused.He has left my son and I completely financially and emotionally destitute.He lied ,he cheated,he manipulated everyone.When you are hit or raped etc. you can go to the police or the courts.When you are psychologically and spiritually and emotionally destroyed by a cunning evil individual who steals your time, your self respect and your personality and confidense you have no recourse anywere and no way of truly explaining to those who have not lived it.This is the best understanding I’ve seen of anything I’ve read because it’s actually been lived by the writer and therefore,rings totally true with anyone who is also suffering at the hands of these calouse people.
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I’m so sorry you have experienced this, too, Michelle, but thankful you realize you aren’t alone and can find validation. 🙂
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[…] is an extract: for the the full post, which is strongly recommended, see link. For example, she quotes a crucial point from Martha Stout about narcissism and sociopathy: […]
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I have been trying to figure out for years what is wrong With my ex. I stumbled across this website and saw the dsm iv breakdown of the behaviors. I feel better knowing I am not insane. I knew in the beginning of the relationship that there was something wrong because the stories he told contradicted themselves and he mooched off of others … He can not or will not keep a job. He acted as if I asked too much of him to get one when we got married. To this day he will not get a car. …He refuses to drive. He uses others for rides and begs me saying how he has no one else. .. What makes matters worse is we have a son together. When it’s visitation time., he says I am using him as a babysitter. …I can’t deal anymore. He fits all but one of the traits of sociopath and 5 of the narcissistic traits. How do I get rid of him? I’m afraid he is going to become worse and hurt me or emotionally damage our son.
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Unfortunately, you can’t get rid of him but you can refuse to engage his crazy-making moving forward. You know you’re much more than a babysitter, right? Who cares what he thinks. He’s not going to do anything to hurt you or emotionally damage your son as long as you continue modeling love, patience and tolerance. My 2nd book, which I am in the middle of writing, will hopefully provide helpful and more in-depth insight into approaches to coping as co-parents with these types. The first key is to not engage or allow them to control you emotionally or financially.
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I would like to tell my story with maybe some hopes of understanding. Do i have this problem, does she, or did both of us. Please don’t attack me I’m just looking for answers.
So here we go. I met this girl who just walked away from a five year relationship like it was nothing at all. About 10 days after leaving him she was dating me. We fell in love so fast it was amazing. We both said this is the feeling people talk about when they meet the one. We talked about our future often and were engaged in nine short months. Everyone was so happy for us. We tried to make wedding plans for about 3 months then just stopped for some reason. I was confused as most women who get engaged are head over heels about wedding plans. Time went on she got a job working third shift in a factory and things started getting harder. I began to worry about her cheating with guys she worked with. We were fighting often. She always would say that i had this Shitty tone with her that for the life of me i just could not see no matter how hard i tried. Her drinking started to get worse and worse as did our fighting. She would often accuse me of looking at other women. That of which no other woman compared and i would often remind her that i only wanted her in my life. While drinking she would often break down saying how fucked up she is. How much her terrible childhood had ruined her. Her mother instilled in her to count on a man. I always told her and showed her that i would always be there for her. She once tried to leave me because she said she needed to just be her she had always been in a relationship. When this was going on i wrote her a very long letter telling her what she meant to me, printed off every picture we had together and left home for her. After all this i learn that she had been messing around with a great friend of mine for months and was contemplating leaving me for him. When i confronted her about this she Initially denied it until i provided proof. I never tried to walk away just asked why and how do we fix it. She had told me that i didn’t make her feel wanted it was my fault. This i know is where i went wrong, i went through the phone records to see what had really been going on, upon doing this i learned that she had been sending him and i the same naked pictures and talking to many other men from work. When i confronted her about this she became very angry and left me for going through the records. After five days she came back jumping into my arms saying she couldn’t live without me. I was so happy to have her back. She wanted some time apart. We took about a week and i was trying to get her to come back home. She finally did but said she was home but was not ready to. Once she was home i was always close and cuddly to her for i was so happy to have the woman i loved so dearly back home. She began complaining that i was suffocating her. I mean why wouldn’t i be close i had nearly lost her. A month later her drinking was getting very bad again. She was very mean to me when she drank. The smallest thing would Set her off. As she kept turning more and more into an alcoholic things kept getting worse. Our once besutiful relationship just felt like we were going through the motions. She was becoming very depressed and even suicidal. She once told me what made her happy was her car. I was taken back by this as to it is just a material thing. We even had a fight about the dog with her telling me and fighting with me that i loved our dog more than her. I recorded the fight as she was drunk in desperation so that i could show her how she was treating me. The next morning i tried to show it to her and she would not listen to it. It only pissed her off that i did that. Right around this time i had the gut feeling that someone had been at the house while i was at work. I asked her about this and she said it was not true. Then one day i got home the front door was open and she was passed out face down on the couch with her phone beside her. I turned her phone on and seen texts that my suspicions were true. A guy from work had been there. I woke her up and asked her about this and she denied it. After handing her phone back to her she knew that i knew and she confessed. I hate being lied to hate it. She tried to say they were just friends. Then i seen the message oil open on the table. I asked about that, she said his shoulders hurt. I was irate by this time. She still begged and pleaded with me they were only friends. But she had still lied. I let this go and tried to move on. I wanted to let go and walk away but just couldn’t, i loved her too much. So while feeling this way i sent her a text that we both knew it was over but neither one of us knew how to say goodbye. She replied and agreed. That really shocked me and scared me. The next day i tried to take back ever saying that wanting to just work through things and that we could make it. Then a member of her family became very I’ll and was dying so this whole thing got put on hold. While she was at the hospital i kinda felt like i wasn’t part of the family anymore. Like i was being cast away. I asked if she needed me there and she said no so i strayed home. A couple few days later i picked her up from her familys house she was distant to say the least. On the way home i asked if she was ok. She said she was just fine. So then i asked ok so where do you and i stand? At this time she freaked out and said i was being selfish for asking that even though she just said she was fine. We fought about it the whole way home. A few days later we had set a day that we were going to talk. Upon getting home she told me she had made up her mind and would be getting her things on the weekend, we were done. I began dry heaving and throwing up begging her not to go. She left and come Sunday she was a no show in the morning. So i went to her parents only to find her in bed with the guy that had been at my House. I tried to ask for an explanation as she only yelled at me saying she didn’t owe me anything. She ended up showing up with her parents and ended up going upstairs laying on our bed crying that she didn’t want to move out but knew she had to. But only 15 min before she was yelling at me as to put on a show in front of that guy. So she moved out and she would talk to me but was very short. I would tell her that i thought about her a lot that day and she would say the same but say this was it. I was still trying and trying to get her back for i would have never gave up on us no matter what. Out of curiosity i ended up looking at the phone records from the end of our relationship. And as a note i had never done this since the first time. However upon looking i saw that she had been talking to a new guy that she worked with for three weeks prior to moving out. She talked to him for two hours the very day she moved out. Even after seeing this while dropping some things off at her parents i still got on my knees like a fool trying to get her back. She kicked me out. I am so devastated by this time and its been a month. So later on i find out she was sleeping with this guy less than a month after she left me and he is married with two kids. I’ve still tried and tried to get her back and now i can’t talk to her.
So now 5 months later i am still absolutely devastated. I haven’t been to my own home in months i can Barely function in life now. I am the shell of a man that i used to be. I don’t know who i am anymore. I’m so lost and can’t even see a future in front of me anymore. I now suddenly hate my job and feel like my whole life is caving in on me. She has told me that she is herself again and that all this was my fault. I feel like a piece of shit, i feel like garbage. She has taken all my pride all my self worth everything. And nobody understands how i feel now. They don’t get it. Am i really a sociopath/narrscist? Is this why i keep getting cheated on and treated like shit or do i keep finding these type of girls? I just can’t take having my heart shattered anymore….. I can barely get out of bed and function In life now. If it is me i have to get this fixed, i want to. If not i have got to see the signs earlier so i am not crushed like this. She just moved on like i was nothing at all to her.
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Lost,
Regardless if it’s you or her, you obviously see that the relationship was toxic and only served to bring more drama and confusion into your life. Often times, people become addicted to this chaos and drama, which explains why many end up in these relationships over and over again. It becomes a familiar comfort. Crazy, huh?
The great news is that you’re obviously tired of this feeling and you want to change. For you to begin your transformation, there is no need to place absolute blame on you or her at this point. You’re accountable for your part despite her lack of accountability. Just because she insists on blaming you for everything doesn’t make it so, okay? Healthy people with a conscience and an ability to feel remorse and empathize with others may get angry and lash out at their partners crappy behavior, but they eventually feel guilty and shameful and make attempts to make amends and help each other find closure. Unfortunately, if we’re in a relationship with a sociopath or narcissist, closure is never reached because the sociopath/narcissist NEVER admits fault…never! (Unless they think admitting fault will win them something…like pity and more narc supply. But even then, they aren’t really sorry. It’s just another manipulation. They say what needs to be said just to gain or attain something.)
If this is a pattern for you, you may want to seek the guidance of a professional counselor who can help you more.
Your ex may or may not ever apologize or take responsibility. You need to accept that in order to move forward. Otherwise, you’ll continue to ruminate and over think your part and feel more and more blame and shame.
Good luck to you. Be patient with yourself. 🙂
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Lost-
Romantic love is an addiction. There are chemicals at work in your brain that can glue you into a toxic relationship, just like the bond that forms in a positive one. Those chemicals don’t distinguish between good and bad. They are part of what mother nature gave you to enable you to procreate and raise a family. Your emotional chemistry has been played with by betrayal.
For some folks, not all, betrayal can create an even stronger compulsion toward a person. Think of it as the immediate cessation of alcohol to an alcoholic. They would become desperate for their next drink.
Because the chemicals of love are internal, we don’t recognize their hold on us. Right now, you are in a state of intense longing. Just like an alcoholic needs to abstain, so do you. And through abstaining, you’ll begin to see what happened to you with greater clarity.
Right now, you’re still reeling from blame and shame that was hurled back and forth while you were together. You did not act in a narcissistic or sociopathic fashion when you tried to get to the bottom of what was happening. That’s simply the ploy that she used to guilt you when you uncovered her bad acts. You behaved in an adaptive fashion. It was her infidelity, not your desire to protect yourself that was at fault. Stop heaping that guilt on yourself.
You put up with a great deal. One day, you’ll encounter a soul mate who will be worth the forgiveness you bring to a relationship. This woman wasn’t. Be careful about choosing partners. If it seems too good to be true, quickly, you may very well be falling for a sociopath. Inquire about their past and look at whether they exhibit meaningful kindness toward others.
You’ve written it down. Read it over and over so you can remind yourself how bad it was and remain in reality. Any time you think of going back, read it again.
Wishing you the best on your road to recovery.
Joyce
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Thank you, Joyce! As always, your input and knowledge is invaluable. Namaste!
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Was her name Trisha? Lol.
Sorry dude, but you just regurgitated my story of 13 yrs with my now ex wife. Except my ex is a drug addict.
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Lost, it sounds like you are a good candidate for counseling. You are not to blame, but I am concerned that you are not functioning in your daily life. The drinking was not your problem, it is your ex’s problem. From reading your post, there were red flags about this woman from the very first paragraph. I would suggest that you re-read what you’ve written here; better yet, print it out and take it to a professional and show it to him or her. You need to get a firm grip on reality. You have your entire life ahead of you. Just take it from one who experienced something like this seven years ago, this gal did you a favor when she moved on. Please, whatever reason she gives when she runs out of men to victimize, do not take her back.
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Paula has become an angel to my soul. I’ve shared with her my ups, as well as my downs of the 2-1/2 year relationship I had with a Narcissistic/Sociopath. I’m completely convinced and honestly believe I was involved with this person — fell in love with this person. I’ve talked to friends, cried to friends, cursed to friends, experienced complete anguish over the relationship that I had; yet, too embarrassed to speak to anyone in my family about my relationship with this man.
I make every effort not to cast judgment on another human being. The signs over the 2-1/2 years and the final dagger to my heart two weeks ago, led me on my quest for answers. Why did I allow it? How could I continue to “go with the flow?” Why didn’t I use my “gut” instinct — my intuition when red flags flew so vividly in front of my eyes? I’m a hopeless romantic; I try diligently to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, including men of which I become involved with and ultimately fall in love.
I’m sure I’ve offended some of my friends; I’ve made every effort to ask forgiveness for the total meltdown — and I mean complete and total MELTDOWN they experience by me via phone two weeks ago. All I can ask is that they love me, support me, and send prayer and positive energy to my heart and soul as I heal.
I still love this man. I think of him frequently throughout the day BUT, I also think of the mental pain and sorrow he also placed on my heart.
Let the healing begin. It won’t happen overnight but I do have faith that, in time, God will see me through this and I will emerge stronger, happier, healthier and eventually my heart will heal to love again. Time heals all wounds…
From my heart to your heart, I wish you peace, health, and a renewed spirit.
Namaste
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Hi Nyla-
It is so heart wrenching to find that the person you put faith in was not what you believed. All here, who have experienced similar pain, can empathize with what you’re going through and wish you well on your journey to recovery.
You mentioned something that I’d like to clarify for you, so you stop wondering why you still have feelings for him and frequently think of him.
Sociopaths are very good at spotting people who have empathy and a code of conduct of forgiveness toward a loved one. If you were not a loving, giving soul, he would not have targeted you. So don’t be too hard on yourself for not kicking him to the curb earlier. Your ability to unconditionally love prevented you from doing so. The trick is to unconditionally love people who have better character and intent.
The rumination going on in your brain will eventually stop. You might try writing down your saga so you don’t feel inclined to keep it replaying in your mind. Doing so can help you sort things out better than having random thoughts.
Now that you’re aware that sociopaths exist, you’ll be harder to fool. Make sure to look seriously at a person’s ability to relate to the pain of others before you give your heart away to them in the future.
Wishing you a speedy recovery.
Joyce
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Perfect advice, Joyce. Writing the saga down serves many purposes, the least of which is to keep the mistreatment by the abuser at the forefront of our minds. We naturally go to the good memories. When we do that in the aftermath of pathological abuse, we cause ourselves more and deeper cognitive dissonance. When we have it written down, we can easily pick up the document, read it and quickly return to reality and state of validation with less guilt and minimal self-shame and blame.
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I’m 1 month free of my N wife yet I keep reading and reading about it. I felt all the abuse mentioned above. She was text book from the onset till the time I stood up for myself, after almost two years of my own research trying to figure out what I was witnessing. I think I’m one of the lucky ones in a way.. I stuck it out for a bit over three years “hoping to help her change” “wanting to fix her” Being put down, caught in constant catch 22’s.. I say I was lucky because I let her play her game..I recorded many conversations we had on my phone, what a gold mine of evidence for a theropist…I kept a journal at work. Stay focused on who YOU are this was the key to my escape…healing starts rapidly if you know your not at fault. I love her. I just can’t love her. Best of luck to all. Back to waking up with a smile!!!!
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Congratulations, Rich! Thank you for your encouraging words. Namaste! 🙂 ❤
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Today was my court date. After a sleepless night, stomach in knots, sweating for no reason, having flashbacks of the many times I told her “I love u” and received blank stares and being blamed for the eggshells. As I sat starring out the window while she made small talk with the judge with the occasional “haha” following something she said. I just wanted to cry. Show the judge my psych report, tell her the story…let her hear the recordings on my phone… I did nothing…her show went on, dressed like she was running for president. I remained silent unless spoken to. Trembling at her voice…every word made me cringe, its over now, never having to have contact with that emotionless being ever again. I’ve been practicing no contact for a while now, its the only way back to sanity… now to change my phone number… and beyond that, back to my hobbies and my daughter, the two things that I love the most. Thanks to everyone putting there stories here, it hurts to read them as I have teared many times for you as I can relate to the pain so much. This site and others pushed me to stand up for myself. I did it…I’m done..I’m free to be me.
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Rich J., I am so happy that this is now behind you. I can imagine the internal upheaval you were experiencing inside the courtroom. To us, these people have zero demeaning qualities once we see how easy it is for them to discard and dismiss us, regardless of how the relationship ultimately ended. We think we’ll miss them in the beginning stages of letting go, but we ultimately wake up one day and they no longer hold a space in our present consciousness. It’s so freeing! I wish you and your daughter peace and joy and love! Namaste! ~Paula
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D
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Hi! I’ve nominated you for the Sunshine Award. Check it out here: http://letmereach.com/2014/03/02/sunshine-award-nomination/
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How fitting! Paula’s blog does a great job of dealing with a painful and complex issue! Great choice!
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[…] Paula’s Pontifications […]
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You asked what I’m willing to do, we have already hired a lawyer. Of course my daughter is mad because new didn’t use that money to buy her a car or a place to live, she does live with us. My fear is she will either neglect the baby or worse sell it. I would not put it past her. I’m willing to take money out on my house that’s been paid off for years just to keep paying the. My daughter refuses to even take meds and I even think they make her worse. My husband and I both are ready to raise our grandchild. Until she is 18 in private schools and in church. I’m ready to put the child into therapy as she can talk. I’m ready and willing to do anything for my grandbaby, heck I’ve already kicked a 20year smoking habit, just so my grandbaby would not have to be around a smoker. I will go as long a God allows me to live to help my grandbaby
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If you want to take this offline, email me at Paula.carrasquillo@me.com. 🙂
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Hi Tom, thank you, I know I’m a to blame as for some or even most of her actions. I did throw her out at 18 I turned phones off, I refused to speak to her or help her. She moved across the country and she got a gathering of “haters” omg some of the things they sent to my about my kid. I didn’t defend her, I didn’t help her. I felt my hands were tied when she became pregnant. As much as she needs to be on her ass or in jail, I’m just not heartless enough to hurt my grand baby, I know she will use the baby to get what she wants, that’s why my husband and I have filed for custody of the baby. Its so bloody hard to even think that something bad will happen to my granddaughter. I just can’t stand back and do nothing. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to that baby.
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Hello, sounds like most people here might be able to help me or point me in the right direction. Ok ready? Here we go…. I was a single mother at 17. Trust me when I say I know I made my mistakes but I don’t think I made one huge enough for me to think my 21 year old daughter is a narcissistic sociopath. She moved to LA (California) a long way from home. We only got calls from her when she was homeless, penniless, hungry, sick or high. So often that we had to turn our phones ringers off at night to keep her from waking us up. She was out there for about 7 months with her Facebook always stating how successful she is, how band members and clebs just couldn’t get enough of her, she came home from Las Vegas on a bus paid for by a mental institution. She stated with us until about February 2014.same thing again when she was back in CA. Same calls to us all the while her Facebook shows how “famous ” she is. She returned home on my dime on the last week of June of this year pregnant……….. I know my worse nightmare, she used drugs the entire time she was pregnant. I kept telling her DCS would take the child, and 15 days after the baby was born sire enough they did take the baby, thank God she is healthy. I know my daughter is a narcissistic sociopath. Omg the lies she tells, the amount of times that we have had to call the cops because every “safely plan” we have the last thing is to call the police. She pushes it to that every time. For example last time we called the police was when we went looking for the weed in her room (she lives with us because her friends turn out to not be “true” friends you know, always them never me as she says. Anyways back to the police, we (my husband and I) removed the pot from her room and put it in our safe. She came home and EXPLODED that we rook her weed she started breaking everything in the house and of course at the “level” we r suppose to call the police. We did she ran, later calling our home and spoke with the cop if she had any charges against her, she didn’t come home for days. We can never get the truth out of her. If she says its raining we actually go check because of the lies, we catch her lining, I’ve told her she best write down all the lies because she’s even forgetting in the heat of the moment. Ive started to try and record things when I think they r getting out of hand, of course a lot of times I can’t get to the recorder or she will see me doing it, she has broken my nose twice as a minor, all my ex boyfriends told me to pick them or her, of course I picked my child over a man, I knew she had issues, I dragged her to countless therapist with each and everyone saying that she needed inpatient care. I put her into inpatient care, it didn’t work, everything BLEW UP and she got in trouble with the law AGAIN, that time I went to court I pleaded with the judge to help me, I told him that I could buy her the nice shoes, pay for her horses (yes she had horses), I could do anything she needed EXCEPT keep her safe from herself. They moved her into docs custody and placed her into a level 3 lock down facility until she was 18. Then they sent her home, now she’s 18 I have no power, I can’t make her take meds, she did stop taking meds, she cuts herself alot and has nerve damage due to all the cutting she has done on her left arm (she’s right handed) everything I do is wrong according to her, she tells everyone that we (my daughter and I) have a volatile relationship. What they don’t know is she has a volatile with everyone and anyone who disagrees with her, old friends of hers from CA contact me and ask me what is wrong with her, she steals, I know she has prostituted herself just for a place to sleep. She tells me one thing then tells my mother another, sometimes I think is she nuts or just trying to start trouble. My mother is afraid of her. We all have seen her “2” faces, the real one and the one she puts on for everyone else. There is years of this, we see it why can’t a trained professional see it, I know she has been in the “system ” enough to know what NOT to say. There has to be someone out there that is smarter than her, heck I’ve contacted Dr.Phil so many times for help. I’m lost and I need help. My grandbaby is now in states custody, my husband and I hired our own attorney to get us custody, but of course the court gave my daughter one and he thinks my daughter is perfectly normal, boy oh boy he is soooooooo wrong. I’m terrified my daughter will get custody of her daughter back and something bad will happen. I’m in tears writing this, this isn’t the babies fault. I could write a book just on what my daughter has done just while being pregnant, how her getting pregnant wasn’t HER (my daughters) fault…… trust me I pray, I pray every night until I fall asleep. Is there anyone out there that can help me? I’m sure I left things out or didn’t go into enough detail ….. I guess this is just a starting point for me. PLEASE HELP me help my grandbaby.
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I’m truly sorry that you have endured what you’ve endured. It sounds like you tried what any mother would try in order to improve, increase and open communication with your daughter. It seems like all efforts backfired and/or alienated you both from each other more.
Dr. Phil would gloss over the obvious pathology present and tell you it’s a relationship and communication problem. He’d probably even tell you her meds are wrong or that you need to be more patient and invite your daughter and granddaughter to move in with you and work on the relationship.
I’m not certain about that, but I’m pretty sure Dr. Phil doesn’t have the balls to “get real” himself and tell you your relationship with your daughter is a lost cause.
I think your relationship with your daughter is a lost cause, if, in fact, she is pathological. It sounds like she is, and the fact she keeps duping the docs while inflicting her BS on to you should be enough of a motivator for you to now focus on your granddaughter’s safety.
What are you willing to do to keep your granddaughter safe? What sacrifices are you willing to make for your granddaughter’s safety?
The key is to flip the power. Your daughter has it right now and will continue to have it if all you do is react to her actions. Calling the police doesn’t help, does it? Turning off your ringer doesn’t help, does it? Letting her come and go as she pleases just because no one else can tolerate her doesn’t work, does it?
You’ve been enabling her behavior out of obligation, guilt, and most of all, out of love.
But you’ve obviously reached the end. Now you’ve simply had it! You’re angry and you see this baby as her potential next victim, someone else she can blame and shame.
You don’t want that! You want your grandchild to have a better life, a better chance at a happy existence. And you have a lot of proof that supports your prediction that your grandchild will suffer if left with your daughter.
You know what you have to do, but even the thought of doing it is killing you inside. You’re a victim who wants to save another. But you’re struggling with coming to terms with being a good person despite taking the action that you see as hurtful to your daughter.
If you don’t act, where will you be? You’ll remain your daughter’s hostage.
What are you fearing? What’s your biggest fear?
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Hey desperate… Your daughter isn’t N.S. what she has is a narcissistic personality disorder. There is a big difference. A nercissistic personality had grandiose ideas and shows a lack of empathy, and is likely going to resort to drugs. There are many more traits and the condition is treatable, but you have to stop enabling your daughter. The biggest cause of narcissistic personality disorder is overprotection and doing everything for the child at a young age and not allowing them to suffer any consiquences. The condition is treatable over time, but the first one who has to recognize the problem is you. My son suffered from the same symptoms. I put him on the street and ultimately had him arrested, but after four years he’s well on the road to recovery.
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Desperate Grandmother-
Unfortunately, Tom Wilcox is correct. You will never help your daughter onto a meaningful path. She has to do it on her own. Giving her a roof over her head or money, or other supports will not turn her around. She may not turn around. She is no longer a child. She may hate you for “tough love,” but you can’t pander to her misunderstanding because supporting her will surely promote failure.
I do not agree, however, with his concept of how she came by her disorder. There are a myriad of impacts that caused her to be who she is, and I’m sure it was never your intent that she have these issues.
The only thing you should be saying to your daughter is “call us when you’re ready for rehab.” Unless and until that happens, whatever your attorney can accomplish for you in court is your best avenue. Judges take it seriously when the grandparents are ready to intervene for a grandchild but you’ll need to build a strong case. Pull all your files and documents together so that your evidence is credible.
Wishing you the best in your attempt to work out your problems.
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I am so grateful to have stumbled upon this site. I came here after researching these people and I can honestly say that I have at least 2 people who I can say were Narcissistic Sociopaths. The first experience I’ve had with these characteristics were with my own mother. She was a single parent with countless loser boyfriends and I can count on one hand the times she said I love you or hugged. us. Those times were in front of other people and I felt the sheer fakeness, even as a child. There are 7 children my brothers and sisters, and to some degree we are all functioning dysfunctionals. Whenever, I have divulged my childhood upbringing to anyone, they have their eyes wide open and plenty have told me that I should write a book. I always say, that I would never write a book unless I could be 100% Anonymous. Since, I’ve read the other stories on this blog, I feel safe in writing my own experience. Sometimes, I feel myself as quite “off” , I mean I love and I will meet death before I allow anything to happen to my children, but I guess I’ve changed in some way… My mother had favorite children- she made no secret about this. In our house hold she had slaves and overseerers. I know, it sounds wierd- let me digress. She had workers and those who she didn’t have them do any work- but rather take the belt and see to it that the work was done. I had been beaten for the mop not being wrung out. I’ve had cat litter with feces thrown into my face, I’ve have a whole container of garbage thrown on me while I was asleep. I’ve had dishes and silverware, plates pots, etc, beat upon my head when they were not cleaned properly. My mother was the type that would burn you with the iron if there was a wrinkle in a shirt. Youd’e get that shirt pressed out next time. She would over turn the dresser if your clothes were not in the drawers correctly. She would go on these amazing rants about how no man would ever want her because of us, and I always talked to myself saying I would never be her when I grew up. My mom had countless loser live-in boyfriends and then they would eventually leave (us) after the beast came out. You can only wear the mask for so long. In between the boyfriends she would be extra hard on us- blaming us for not doing what we were supposed to do, maybe he would have stuck around. I can remember cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner for these low-lives. Running bathwater, massaging their feet, and bringing them water. One boyfriend she had was 20 years younger than her, was a real nut job. he had Hustler and Playboymagazines and I believed he was in a satanic cult. He was the one who convinced her into the harsh beatings. They all started when my brother brought his report card home and he had bad grades. This boyfriend told my mom the reason was because he had no father at home whipping his ass and getting him in line. So, that’s when he beat him. He beat him like a real run-away slave. Hands tied and no shirt on. My brothers and sisters and I counted those lashes up to the 100’s. He practically fainted when they let him out of the room… When this boyfriend had it in for you- he had it. I tried to stay out of his way and do as I was told. But, he was a sicko. He eventually convinced my mom to beat us- even the girls Naked. So, it was my turn… I was accused of stealing tokens and passing them out to my friends. What the hell was I going to do with tokens at 12 years old? So, he convinced my mom into beating us naked because we weren’t feeling the burn thru our clothing. She agreed. I never forgave her for that. How do you allow a man who is NOT the father, beat your daughter who was developing breasts NAKED? ANyway, He threw me on the bed when I came in with “at least my panties” on…No, He threw me on the bed and ripped them off. Mother, in the room. I hated her. He beat me with a belt and when I used my hands to cover my breasts he came over saying some stupid shit like “move your goddamn hand”, I done seen titties before” I used the other hand to cover my privates and that’s when he mentioned ” oh, you getting hairy down there” Sick bastard. So, this is whyI never forgave my mother- cuz even I knew he was mental… They found the tokens in the summer clothes bin one day, and decided not to tell me and that was the whippen to replace all the other whippins I had coming…
He later started beating on my mom. After that incident- he convinced my mom to get a deadbolt lock on the door to “keep the kids out rummaging thru his stuff” The deadbolt may have ended her life had my older brother not kicked it in. We heard him beating her thru the door in a drunken rage about not having any money. We got baseball bats, and butcher knives and all kinds of weapons to maim him with if he didn’t get off out damn Momma. he gave up and left and we started the routine of packing up his belongings to get rid of. My mother with a busted nose and 2 black eyes told us to leave his stuff alone. After a few weeks, he moved back in. I thought I was going to die. So, I started praying. God, if you are up there, please get this man out of our lives. This is how I knew he was the devil- because when we would read the bible and pray- he would act like someone was setting him afire! I can only explain it as- he was literally scared. Made us go outside and play. Put that bible down, go outside… I realized that prayer had power. He did eventually leave- but the damage was there for my mother and us. The next loser boyfriend got it real bad. In fact, he was a kind man- but we were a little older and determined to f— him up if he changed things. We rallied up our neighborhood friends to jump him, we did some awful things to him that I don’t even want to mention. Eventually he left too. He promised when he got his settlement that he was going to take care of her and all of us. What a real loser. That day never came, and she was left again. So, That was my mom. I moved out after having a baby at 17- because that’s what she promised she would do: “imma put your ass out if you ever get pregnant.” So, I wanted out so I got pregnant. She changed- but the damamge was done. I moved far north and tried to start a new life, telling people that I was adopted and I never knew who my parents were. When my daughter was 5, my mom was hospitalized with pnuemonia… she had the “virus” Yep. Aids. This was when it first came out and noone really knew if you could catch it from kissing. Well, she had it and so now she wanted to right her wrongs. I was mad. She treated us bad and had her loser boyfriend treat us bad, and now she wanted to see the baby and visit? I was attending church now and so trying to be a better Christian I started letting her keep my daughter on the weekends. One day, she let my baby bath in the tub after her, I almost lost it. Anyway, when she diied- I couldn’t bring myself to her deathbed in the hospital, and my family couldn’t understand why…
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Winnie3, Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you know many of us here absolutely understand why you made the choice not to be there when your mother died. I hope you know that those of us who have felt this type of evil understand why you and your siblings did what you did. We understand why you chose to have a baby so young and to lie and claim you were an orphan. You did all of these things to protect yourself. I’m grateful that you are finding your voice and the courage to write your story. What you grew up with is, unfortunately, not rare and exceptional. These monsters exist in more homes than anyone wants to believe or open their eyes to see. It’s time to speak out. I hope you’re feeling okay after purging yourself this morning. 🙂
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Paula, I have another question to you, Do narcissists know that they’re narcissists? Do they know how they’re described in articles and studies?
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Hopeful, Many have no idea that their behavior is abnormal. Most think they are super-aware and super-intuitive. Most think it’s the rest of us who are weak and somehow unevolved and less than intelligent. Most think non-sociopaths are winey and pitiful. Most like to come to blogs like this and insert themselves where they are not welcome. Most fail to understand that we don’t really care what they think of us and the only reason we require awareness of them is to make it easier to dismiss them and focus on ourselves. Most would read that statement and call me a narcissist. I would tell those sociopaths they can think what they choose to think about me. 🙂
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Many thanks again, Paula! I appreciate your help 🙂
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We are not stupid
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I don’t think anyone would suggest youre stupid, Kevin. I think the word is “aware.” Are you aware of yourself and how your actioms harm others? Are you fooled by your own mask(s)?
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Hi, I found all this information and the positive comments very helpful. I have a question: what should/ can I do if the narcissistic person in my life is my sister-in-law. She is jelous of me and she is turning family members against me trying to allienate me and grabs every opporunity she can to point out what a bad person I am ( which I’m not). And also, of course, she always has to be the great, generous, loving, hero in the family. She’s constantly bad mouthing and back stabbing me. Very depressing to have to deal with someone like her so close to me.
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Hopeful, When it’s a family member, the dynamics are difficult to navigate. But your best tool for self-protection is not to engage in the crazy-making and the lies and stories she spins and triangulates. She’s already planted an ugly, nasty seed of doubt in the minds of people you love. That, in and of itself is simply evil, vindictive and ugly. But you can’t undo what has been said about you and you can’t persuade those she’s lied to with your words. Doing that, pleading with your family is what she wants you to do. She wants you to plead and beg for them not to listen to her because doing that will make you look crazy and unstable, just as she wants you to look because it will help validate her lies. I realize it’s a difficult idea and concept, but you need to not engage the ugly.You know you aren’t those things. Be the graceful you that you aspire to be and that you desire to continue being. Tap into your dignity and turn it up. Be confident ; not arrogant. Most of all, be patient. The longer you don’t engage, the less she’ll bully and abuse you. She needs your outward reactions. Your anguish pleases her and brings her joy. She’s disgusting. She’s not worth your sincere pleas; she’ll just walk all over them and turn them into something ugly. 🙂 ❤
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Thank you very much for answering, Paula! Very helpful of you 🙂
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I have a question for this community. So now that I’ve identified the narcissistic sociopath in my life (husband) and have even identified the relationship in my life that started this cycle of my choosing (mother), how do I identify myself in this scenario? What kind of person am I that has “lived” in this relationship for so long (30), what is my behaviors and how do I change them and discontinue making the same selection? How do I change this dependency to this kind of behavior that I have allowed to develop? I am taking full responsibility for the rest of my life.
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I Cann,
You’re three steps ahead of most: 1) you’ve identified that you were in an abusive relationship; 2) you identified the perpetrator for what he is; and 3) you recognize you are accountable and must look within to change and transform your conditioned/habitual dependent thinking.
If you haven’t already done so, find a trusted counselor to help guide you through your self-discovery journey. This person, ideally, understands trauma as it relates to symptoms of women coming from domestic violence situations and who understands that “violence” means any type of control wielded over another in the form of physical, financial, emotional and/or spiritual abuse. You don’t want a counselor who will minimize your emotions because that will make your inner journey a journey of self-blame rather than self-discovery and acceptance. You blame yourself enough already, I suspect.
While in counseling, start doing something, anything, you have always been interested in doing. Learn to cook, bake, sew or kayak. Learning a new skill ignites our cognitive thinking side of our brain and allows us to get out of the emotional side long enough to start appreciating ourselves again. Set mini goals for yourself. Understand your triggers and ask your counselor how you can work through them to minimize the negative effects of those triggers. Some may be harder to work through than others but understanding the source empowers us to control them rather than having them control us.
Join a gym or dust off those workout DVDs you collected over the years. Or simply start walking. Anything to activate your endorphins, which will naturally make you feel good about yourself. Feeling your heart beating and reminding you that you are alive and that you matter. Physical activity isn’t just for losing weight and looking good on the outside. It provides invigorating benefits to our internal systems as well.
Think about stuff you consume that makes you feel miserable about yourself. Salty foods, too much caffeine, alcohol, sodas…you get the idea. Pay attention to the things you put inside your body and how they make you feel. Try eliminating those things that make you feel crappy and increase the consumption of those things that make you feel good. Keep a food journal.
Surround yourself with people who love you and believe in you and who won’t coddle you but who will call you out (in a gentle, caring and non-shaming way) and help you when you need help. You don’t want anyone’s pity but you deserve to be understood and for your feelings to be shared without judgment.
Most of all, be patient, hopeful and positive. Allow yourself to have setbacks. They happen. Don’t be rigid in your recovery journey. You may think something will work for you, later to discover it just doesn’t have the same helpful benefits the same activity had for someone else.
You’re not going to recognize yourself. It’s a frightening thing. Other people aren’t going to recognize you either. Some may even ask where the old you went, especially those who have unfairly leaned on you for support over the years while you ignored your own needs. Don’t feel guilty about that. Let them know you still care, empathize and have compassion for them but you are your first priority and your happiness is most important, because if you’re happy and satisfied with yourself and love yourself, there’s more love to share with others…real love, not the co-dependent care you felt obligated to give to everyone who reached out to you and left you drained and wondering when someone was going to help you.
Well, the time has come and YOU are helping yourself. After all, you were always so good at helping others, right. You’re going to be a great personal coach for yourself.
I hope some of this was helpful. 🙂
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This was very helpful to me as well. I have 6 brothers and sisters and if you read above how I described each one of us is functioning dysfunctional. Including myself. I know a lot of it has to deal with our tumultuous childhood. Here’s the thing I know I would be worse off if I allowed a relationship with them. Any of them. After our mother passed, I’ve distanced myself very calculated, in driving distance- even avoiding family gatherings etc. I cannot be in the same room with them for long. I still feel very sick to my stomach and I can’t understand why. I have an idea- but I don’t know exactly. Since I’ve been on my own and told people I was never adopted out of the agency- this would further produce lies about them. I’ve told people that I had other siblings, but I didn’t know where they were. Or some of us were separated, some were adopted, etc. This is how I’ve managed to cover up the awful truth about what was happening to us forreal. I still have bruises on my arm since that’s where I was getting hit the most trying to cover up my nakedness. I have told people that I was attacked by dogs, jumped by a gang, held by gunpoint, I have told so many lies about these scars that I don’t know why I even lie about it anymore. When, I finally told someone the truth about it- they did the worst thing. Asked me what did I do? What did I do? Like I had some way to stop a demented freak azoid from beating me naked when he saw fit. I’ve learned to continue lying about those scars. Once I was ready to get them covered up in a tattoo- but I actually hate tattooes and it would literaly have to be an entire sleeve, I couldn’t do it. In summer, I use make up when I wear a sleeveless dress- but you can see I have on make-up. I don’t know why I still try to protect this person. I know his full name and have thought about what I could do to end him. My sister told me that she ran into him a few years back and that he knew what my mother died from. Was that an admission? Did he give her that dreadful disease? Even though my mom is passed, I still think that before the boyfriends there was something wrong with her. The boyfriends just brought more of it into reality. How could she have done something like that to her own 7 children? We loved her- even though she didn’t show us that love… I still think that she could have just thrown herself into a love fest with all of us, and been nicer to us- that God would have allowed a great man into her life and help her raise us. I really believed that. Its happened for other women. I felt like she got what she deserved in the end- I didn’t see one of those loser boyfriends at her funeral. The only people who were around her were her 7 children. Why? Like I said. We are all in my opinion a little messed up. Iyanla has helped a lot, as well as Oprah, and Dr. Phil, and more recently- you Paula. I am thankful, that you all are my therapist. Most imporantly, God. I still need answers though. I feel that I can never bring myself around my entire family and discuss on any detail what has happened. How are we all managing our families and working- I do not know…I have noticed that while I maintain a relationship with the “slaves” of my siblings- I do not have any contact with the siblings who were the “overseerers”. My mother divided us. Why do you think sociopathic parents do that amongst the children? Has anyone ever shared a similiar trait like this? I can’t bring myself to speaking with them, and I am not the least bit concerned with them. Although, we all lived in that same hell house and were subject to somewhat of the same abuse, I still can’t believe how easily they went along with it. I mean, I know they were kids, but noone said No, I’m not going to be like you. No one. I’ve learned that one sister said that she would have gotten beat if she didn’t hit us with the belt- but she did it like she meant it. So, I’m not too sure. Here’s the thing. I don’t fully trust myself with my kids. I mean- I would meet death if someone was trying to harm them- but sometimes, I tell my husband that I never even want to punish them because of what’s happened to me. I never want to slide out of control. I mean, I send them to their room when they get naughty, but sometimes I think a spanking is in order. I’ve explained to them that the grandma they don’t know or has never met was really mean and she did some things that I can’t explain. When I find myself upset or angry, I begin a rant- like what she used to do. I recognize it and stop myself. I’ve asked my husband to be the disclipinarian and he never has to spank- just raise his voice and they are in tears. I know that this is a horror and I feel the older they get they may use the fact that I don’t spank them. I always tell them that I think there’s a monster inside. (of me) I know if I spank them I am only repaeating the cycle, which is why I want to know if I am too a bit of a sociopath? I think I must be somewhat. I have told lies about my childhood- to the point that there are some people in my life who do not know the truth. I keep a low profile, but I try to put myself up higher than I am. I don’t know why…. I am quite the actress I’ve been told, and when people video record me- I don’t even recognise who it is. I mean, its me! But its not the real me. Its not authentic. Different people describe me different ways. But actually its always a nice person. good friend, dependable, trustworthy, etc. I mean I don’t have a whoe lot of friends, and the few I do have do not know the real, real me. Why am I putting on ? I am never trying to be social at events. I turn down most peoples request to get to know me, but deep down, I am truly lonely and want to make friends. I don’t know why I do this. I think I’m a bit sociopathic in a way. I cry at commercials though, so I don’t know. I’ve put a cat in the oven when I was litte- but that’s only because I thought he would get dry faster. Plus, I read it in a book. ANyway, I nursed him back to health. I don’t like to see people hurt- but if you get hurt infront of me- inside I’m laughing. What is wrong with me? When I was little I made a kid eat sand at the beach- because he wandered over by me and his stupid momma was no where to be found. I remember thinking, I should do something bad to him and then his momma would be watching him. So, I told him to eat it and he did. Am I crazy? Why would I do such a thing? I’ve had conversations with myself and something weird like this was going on inside my head: No one cared about me, so why should I care about them? I could just treat them bad since it happened to me. Then, I shut that off and pray because I don’t want my kids to hate me, like I hated my mom. I used to say I hope she dies. And even though I knew we all were going to die one day, I didn’t want that when she was dying. This is what makes me think that I have it too? I care about the people in the world. I care about bums on the street. I cried for days when 911 happened. I knew noone personally from that. I love my husband- but he’s not my everything. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Somet