Jake’s story: Abuse, addiction, and love with a sociopath #DVawarenessMonth

Hsing Wei/FLICKR

Hsing Wei/FLICKR

October 10, 2014 – Jake’s story: Abuse, addiction, and love with a sociopath

BETHESDA, Maryland, October 10, 2014 — Jake* is a survivor of drug addiction and sociopath abuse living and recovering in The United States.


My name is Jake and my story is not for the faint of heart (as with anyone who has been in a toxic relationship with a sociopath). My story involves addiction, therefore is painful to talk about, but in writing this story I believe I will find healing so I can move on with my life. If I can help even one person with my story, then all of this was worth it. Read more…

Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Join me on Friday for CDN’s BlogTalk Radio news hour #Politics #The Cancer of Sexual Violence via @commdiginews

CDN BlogTalk Radio Show beginning at 6:30 p.m., Friday, August 8

Politics and The Cancer of Sexual Violence

Join in the discussion tomorrow night beginning at 6:30 p.m. EST. I’ll be leading a conversation about violence against women and the Ravens’ decision to keep Ray Rice. I’ll be joined by Jerome Elam, an internationally recognized advocate for the protection of children from sexual predators. We’ll be sharing the connections between the two issues and how to change the perceptions surrounding both.


Follow this link for details on how to tune in: http://www.commdiginews.com/communities-digital-news-hour/critical-conversations-its-just-politics-plus-the-cancer-of-sexual-violence-23322/

The biological, chemical, psychological, and societal factors that prevent victims from leaving their abusers

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Read my latest article at Communities Digital News:

Why Janel Rice and other domestic violence victims don’t leave

BETHESDA, Md., May 24, 2014 — Baltimore Raven’s player Ray Rice offered a public apology to his fans yesterday for knocking unconscious his then-fiancée and now-wife, Janay Rice, inside an Atlantic City casino elevator back in February 2014. Although the direct aftermath of the third-degree assault against Janay was caught on casino security cameras, Ray pled not guilty and will not face prosecution due to completing a pre-trial intervention program for first-time offenders.

Many question why Janay remains by the football player’s side. Some believe Janay is to blame for the attack against her and that she instigated the attack. Some claim Janay allegedly spit in the football player’s face, thus provoking him to assault her. Some feel disgust at her decision to marry him and support him during his damage-control press conferences. Many believe she is out for money and fame and that she is a gold digger. Why else would she marry him after the attack? Some have even suggested she likes being abused.

Victims of domestic violence and intimate partner abuse do not stay with or protect their abusers because they are gold diggers or because they are stupid or because they are masochists. Victims of abuse stay with their abusers due to biological, chemical, psychological, and societal factors. Continue reading…

Identifying Sociopaths in Our Midst

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No more hiding behind the safety of this blog. I took a leap and FINALLY published my first story to CommDigiNews with “sociopath” in the title.

Changing and transforming society’s perception can happen. It can. But it takes a collective effort. Please read, share, Tweet and Pinterest the following story!

Identifying and Protecting Ourselves from the Sociopaths in our Midst

By Paula Carrasquillo for Communities Digital News, LLC

Saying “Goodbye!” to The Washington Times and “Hello!” to Communities Digital News

Who knew the newspaper business was such a dramatic industry!?!?!?

Many who follow my blog are aware that I also write for The Washington Times Communities online. I have a column titled, “Living Inside Out Loud,” packaged under the Health and Science section. (See the link to the left?)

Today, I am sharing some news regarding the state of my column and the state of Communities in general that I think may look dire on the surface but is rather exciting considering the state of digital news outlets today:

The Washington Times (TWT) ended its partnership with The Washington Times Communities (Communities) editors and creators this week. In addition, the editor-in-chief of TWT informed Communities’ writers in an e-mail last night that stories written and submitted by Communities writers to TWT editors moving forward may or may not be published to the TWT site. Publication is at the discretion of TWT editors, not the former Communities editors with whom I have come to trust and respect. The EIC alluded to the possibility of having a revamped Communities section featured on TWT site sometime in February.

The explanation provided by TWT EIC was vague at best, leaving me wondering about my future and my column’s future. To be honest, I haven’t been writing prolifically for my column but had my sights set on changing that…remember? The news left me feeling a bit deflated.

But you may be asking, “What is the difference between TWT and Communities, anyhow?”

For several years, TWT has been providing a platform for independent, community writers called “The Washington Times Communities”. Communities is a separate entity from TWT. The Communities’ editors, Jacquie Kubin and Lisa Ruth, and the writers they vet, edit and mentor daily are not employees of TWT. With the revenue generated by Communities’ stories, TWT pays a small percentage (less than 40%) of revenue to Kubin who disbursed the dollars among herself, her editor and the hundreds of Communities’ writers that provided the content, the meat and potatoes of the Communities section.

Needless to say, TWT benefited greatly from this partnership and justly so. That’s capitalism. That’s how business is conducted, right?

The main benefit of this partnership to the writers and editors obviously was not to get rich from writing and publishing. Rather, the benefit was exposure, exposure of honest stories, quality writing and the potential to increase the credibility of each writer through their association with an established news source such as TWT.

Bottom line, being able to say you wrote for “The Washington Times” looks good in a writer’s portfolio and on their resume. And who doesn’t want an impressive resume!?

Historically, writers and journalists who have written for well-established news sources do garner immediate credibility and recognition. However, there is a shift occurring.

More and more interested readers seek stories written by community journalists that possess fresh and clean perspectives free of the influences of the bias of a particular news source. Readers want the full story. Readers want both sides and then another side of the same story. No longer do those interested in remaining informed rely solely on established news outlets to form their opinions and conclusions about current events and social commentary.

The Communities’ model, created and nurtured over the years by Kubin with high levels of support from Ruth, will live on. Not as “The Washington Times Communities” on TWT’s website, but as Communities Digital News (CDN) on its own platform and under its own site domain:

http://www.commdiginews.com

CDN will no longer have to share its revenue with a “parent” and will, instead, be able to provide a strong, independent platform for writers and an even stronger money-generating base.

To write well takes skill and passion. To continue writing well requires reward and motivation. Good writers deserve just compensation. (Call me bias!)

So although I have enjoyed the exposure and the credibility TWT’s has provided my portfolio and resume, I must remain faithful to the people who did the hard work to get my voice out there, Jacquie Kubin and Lisa Ruth, and who are offering me a chance to make some money for all of my efforts. Therefore, I have decided not to submit future stories to the editors at TWT. I choose to contribute to the CDN website moving forward.

I’d like to openly thank the EIC of TWT for his generous invitation to remain associated with TWT, but I must decline your offer.

And just as the EIC graciously wished the Communities’ creator luck in her future endeavors in his e-mail to Communities’ writers yesterday evening, I also wish TWT the best of luck with its future publication and distribution of news, locally and globally. (Besides, I have friends and family that continue working for TWT; I want TWT to succeed!)

I’ll surely continue reading TWT headlines and passing along TWT’s side of the story. My biggest hope is that my friends, family and blog followers/visitors will consider supporting me and the rest of the CDN family of writers from across the country by reading and sharing stories you discover and enjoy at http://www.commdiginews.com.

Namaste!
~Paula

Shifting gears and getting down to more awareness business

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Thanks to many factors and revelations over the course of several years, my life has come full circle, and it’s heading into another orbit as I write.

I feel stronger and more confident today than I’ve ever felt in my life.

I’m no longer the frustrated and fearful person who lacks the confidence to speak up when I initially feel the urge to speak up:

1. If I don’t want to do something, I’ll let you know now. I won’t wait until I’m in the middle of doing it and break down angry and upset for having been “forced” to participate.

2. If I don’t appreciate how someone is speaking/addressing me, I’ll let them know, mid-sentence if necessary.

3. If I sense someone is not being truthful, I’ll ask for clarification on the spot, in the moment.

4. If I like you, I’ll tell you.

5. If I don’t like you, I’ll tell you but only because I don’t want you wasting your time thinking I like you.

6. If you tell me you like me, I’ll let you know how thankful and grateful it makes me feel.

7. If you tell me you don’t like me, I’ll respect your reason and try to learn from any mistake I made that led you to your opinion of me.

Some will recognize this list as an example of how I plan to use and maintain my boundaries. I’d agree.

However, boundaries mean nothing if there isn’t a solid foundation of self-acceptance. My foundation, I must admit, is still wobbly. It’s not as earthquake-proof as I’d like it to be.

I feel like the boundaries I have built are quite vulnerable considering I struggle sometimes accepting who I am and where I’ve been.

This blog and the support I get from it have definitely contributed to a more stable foundation, but I can’t rely on this blog alone to reach a higher level of self-acceptance.

Fortunately, I have devised a plan (sounds good on paper!) that might help me reach the level of self-acceptance that my beloved family and friends deserve for me to have.

The first part of my plan is to say “Good-bye” to JUST writing about sociopaths. I started this blog before I ever believed in sociopaths (hehe!), but I admit my experience with a sociopath definitely propelled the popularity of this space.

(I doubt the growth of my blog traffic had much to do with my grasp of grammar or my writing style as much as it had to do with the morbid curiosity surrounding the subject matter of Sociopaths, Psychopaths and Narcissists…oh my!)

It’s the simple truth: The sociopath writing I publish gets more people to my blog and allows me to interact with more people than if, instead, I wrote a blog with a focus on…yoga!

If you have been following this blog for awhile, you will remember that I tried transforming the focus and attempted to transition away from writing about sociopaths a few months ago. Fulfilling this desire (and letting go) has proven to be one of my greatest challenges, regardless of all the yoga I’ve done.

“Just let it go, Paula. You can do this,” I keep telling myself.

How do I let go of something that has brought me so much cathartic healing? That has introduced me to a world of knowledge I never knew needed to be known or passed along? That has provided me with more love and friendships than I ever dreamed would be a possibility?

Plus, I am human, and I like the attention. I like the interaction. I like the validation.

But I also recognize that trying to increase my blog hits each month, to help everyone who comments and to respond timely and accurately to everyone who contacts me privately was causing me some stress, anxiety and took away from my ability to help myself and continue to grow and succeed.

I was stupidly putting too much pressure on myself to be more than I am capable of being.

What am I capable of?

I can write, and I am willing to share. I write blog posts about my experience with someone I believe is pathological, highly narcissistic and sociopathic. I write about how I’ve fallen flat and how I found the faith and courage to continue despite accepting the ugliness of my past. I can also write on many more interesting topics, too.

What am I not capable of?

I can’t be responsible for guiding everyone in the right direction who asks for my help. I wish I could, but I am not a counselor. I can’t help everyone with just words who privately contacts me. I don’t have a magic pill or solution.

Because I have learned healthy boundaries, I recognized how I was allowing my blog to control and dictate my sense of worth and accomplishment. So I took a healthy break the last few months from writing as prolifically as I had been writing. I took that time to map out some goals and determine how I’d like to challenge myself in the coming months and years.

I don’t want to let anyone down by pulling away from my original subject matter, but I’m antsy to go to new places and explore new possibilities, in my writing, my life and my relationships.

>> I want to write more for my Washington Times Communities column on relationships, yoga and health, all from a mindful perspective. I’ve been more fearful to put myself out there, up to this point, on such a public forum as opposed to my personal blog space. It’s safe here. It’s not there.

>> I want to dedicate more time to my anatomy and yoga studies, so I can be fully confident and ready to teach the students who could benefit from my experience at the time I earn my 200-hour yoga teacher training certification later this year. I want to teach yoga to trauma patients and volunteer to teach yoga in community corrections and shelters.

>> I want to dedicate more time to editing all of the personal abuse stories submitted to me last year, so the second book I publish is one we can all be proud to pass on to our family and friends and strangers in need.

>> I want to highlight more success stories on my blog. I think this community reads enough about struggles; we deserve some feel-good pieces with more focus on aftermath success.

>> I want to organize a conference (no matter how small or cramped) that will bring us all together in a room, so we can give each other real hugs and not just virtual ones! (((Hugs)))

All of these things require time, organization and dedication. I believe 2014 is going to be a time of further assessment.

But I also sense 2014 will be the year the global foundation surrounding the importance of narcissist and sociopath awareness becomes more solid, making all of us better positioned, emotionally and mentally, to stand proud and spread awareness about emotional abuse wider than just our blogs, Twitter feeds or Facebook pages.

Regardless of what I write and share on my blog moving forward, whatever it is it’s most certainly related to how I continue to mindfully heal and grow.

My life is consumed and driven by the desire to never stop growing.

And I’m not just talking about healing and growing from the toxic relationship in which I found myself with the sociopath. I’m also referring to healing and growing from years of not thinking I was good enough.

I want to share all of the good stuff I learn with you in hopes you’ll continue sharing your successes and periodic struggles with this community.

I’ve been too fearful to be me in the past. Thanks to this community (which is continuously growing!) I am ready to spread my wings and take a few risks. What do I have to lose?!? What do any of us have to lose!?!?

Namaste!
~Paula

(Image source: http://blogs.worldbank.org/psd/shifting-gears-capitalism-and-the-logic-of-competitive-industries)

Practice healthy selfishness and pride despite what the Sociopath thinks of the matter

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One of the hardest things for empathic people to balance is our need to care for ourselves while also caring for the needs of others.

We worry so much about the happiness of others that we often cause ourselves undue stress and anxiety worrying that we haven’t done the best we can to make our loved ones happy.

While in the relationship with the sociopath, it seemed like we never did the best we should have done. Our biggest fear of failing to make sure our loved ones were happy was manifested every day.

Regardless of our planning and our efforts to please the sociopath, there was always a detail we missed. Missing those minor details (like signing off a text or email with “Love” instead of “I love you”) gave the sociopath fodder to call us all sorts of horrific names and to deem us unworthy of love.

(Seriously! For pity sake!! Do you see the absurdity and stupidity that you were sucked into accepting all because of some immature piece of trash?)

I love to love and help people. I love seeing the underdog win and the champion keep winning. I love to see people succeed, and I love to smile with them at their accomplishments.

Unfortunately, I was made aware, by the sociopath, that smiling at my own accomplishments is selfish and a hateful act.

(How ironic to be told by a sociopath that I’m selfish and hateful if I show or feel pride in myself.)

Sociopaths try and often succeed in convincing us we should be ashamed for being prideful. Sociopaths will tell you you’re tasteless and selfish for being so vain in your actions.

(Again, how damn ironic!!)

How often were you excited about a personal success or breakthrough only to be “brought back to earth” by the sociopath?

And how often were you chastised for not making a bigger deal about something the sociopath accomplished?

(I use the word “accomplished” very lightly in relation to all things sociopathic. Sociopaths succeed in destroying, not building.)

What if I told you that you should never feel ashamed about being proud of yourself? You should also stop feel guilty for failing to praise the sociopath on-demand.

You know what I’m talking about, right? All those instances when the sociopath would excitedly tell you some fantastic tale about something he was proud he did, but you interpreted it as something not at all praise-worthy, and the sociopath chastised you for having such a reaction?

(Raged upon you is more like it.)

Even though the sociopath’s rage was intended to shame you (and you WERE ashamed) for being so inconsiderate to his needs, please know today, in this moment now, that you were justified for not applauding his behavior. You were right not to high-five the asshole when he demanded your high-five.

Being an accomplished asshole is not deserving of a high-five. Let’s be real and stop revering the unworthy. Let’s stop being apathetic. There are too many Emperor’s wearing “new clothes” in need of being forced out of their delusions. If not forced out of their delusions, at least pushed out of our lives.

How do we do that?

I believe we start by valuing ourselves and our skills and abilities.

Sociopaths are attracted to shiny and pretty things. We’re shiny and pretty, but we don’t give ourselves enough credit.

We need to start. Now. This minute.

When we value our skills and talents, we end up naturally valuing the skills and talents of others. Self-defeating behaviors end, and we stop the unhealthy practice of envying others and comparing ourselves to others.

(That’s what sociopaths do: envy and compare. We want nothing to do with any kind of activity in which sociopaths participate, right?!?!)

Instead, if we truly value ourselves, we automatically value others and their skills. Competition ceases to exist.

We naturally begin gravitating more and more toward more and more people with healthy egos who are also interested in bettering their lives and the lives of those surrounding them.

(Just think about the wonderful people you’ve met through pages and blogs like this just because you let go of some of your self-defeating behavior and took a chance that someone would understand you and value what you had to share? It’s really simple to be ourselves once we accept ourselves.)

Once surrounded by other creative and good-hearted individuals, an impenetrable force of trust, honesty and respect manifests. This force is a natural deterrent to sociopaths and sociopathic behaviors and thinking.

Practice valuing yourself and your natural gifts. Be selfish to protect those gifts from overly selfish and greedy people. Share sparingly, building greater and greater trust, understanding and respect.

Nothing happens overnight. There are no quick solutions or fixes. Regardless of what the sociopath might say to try steering you away from your path, practice patience with yourself and those who have proven themselves worthy.

You matter, and the people who matter to you know you matter and will fall in love with your independent spirit sprinkled with just the right balance of selfishness, pride and love of life.

Above all, remain aware of how your decisions and actions affect others. Not everyone is going to be happy and agreeable all of the time. We aren’t always going to make the very best choices.

But if we remember to check ourselves against how we don’t want to be (you know, sociopathic), the chances that we hurt another or ourselves greatly diminish.

We can be selfish and prideful and still be caring, empathic and selfless.

Namaste!
~Paula

© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications

Never be a Devil’s advocate: The dangers of believing in the endearing sociopath

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Think back. What was it the sociopath did that made you think the sociopath was a good guy who deserved your trust?

Did the sociopath take up for you when no one else would?

Did the sociopath promise to fix something in your life that you were convinced could not be fixed?

Did the sociopath actually come out and say, “You’re different from everyone. You have something special, and I can help you nurture it”?

More than likely, the sociopath spent hours, days and many weeks grooming you into believing he was your savior, your saving grace, and that you complimented him perfectly.

He wanted you and only you.

Included in his charms and slick talk to convince you he was worthy and serious, the sociopath probably had an example or two of “accomplishments” he made in the past.

Did the sociopath tell you about how he helped a friend or gave to a charity?

Sociopaths are very good at giving us lip service and listing examples of their so-called good deeds. And because we would never dream of lying about who we are and what we have done to improve ourselves and others, we believe the sociopath and are impressed by the sociopath’s grandiose stories of action. Really impressed.

Unfortunately, we never heard the real story of their over-inflated acts of kindness, acts accomplished and implemented by others and at the expense of others. The sociopath simply took (and continues to take) the credit like any pathological and self-righteous nut job would.

The sociopath depicted himself as a saint surrounded by sinners. He always, somehow and miraculously, escaped the world of the sinners just in the nick of time, too!

And the proof that the sociopath was god-like seemed to be right before your eyes, too. You became “knowledgable” that all of the sociopath’s exes had been eliminated and vanquished from his life, and they all seemed to regret having been vanquished.

(The sociopath MUST have be some kind of wonderful if he could induce such neediness and desire in those he had discarded, right?)

He’s like the James Bond of real life, don’t cha know? How glorious it must be to be the charmed sociopath, huh? To attract every sinner in need of saving on the planet means the sociopath MUST have super powers or SOMETHING that causes him to emit such energy, right?

We never dreamed that the power the sociopath emitted was the power of lies, dishonesty and manipulation. We just never suspected THAT until it was almost too late.

Instead of reading the signs correctly, we believed what the sociopath told us. The sociopath convinced us that, regardless of the blaring fact he kept losing people in his life, the people he lost meant nothing to him and were just out to destroy him…never the other way around.

The sociopath convinced you that he had what everyone else wanted (You know, that secret computer chip implanted in his brain, which explained his ever-impressive and expanding mind of knowledge and power. Bahaha!), and he’s offering it to you (yeah, poor sinful you) for a steal. All you have to do is trust him and believe in him, and your life will be forever blessed. Everyone will be envious that you are by the sociopath’s side and not them.

(Pfft! Really? You fell for it, too. Admit it. We were all duped. Nothing to be ashamed about. We all want to believe Superman really exists. It’s called hope in mankind.)

Once positioned on his right side, you unknowingly volunteered to be a slave to the sociopath’s every whim and fancy.

You found yourself agreeing to say and do things you never dreamed you would ever say or do. You rejected people who, in the past, you would have welcomed due to their inquisitive and powerful nature.

The sociopath told you not to trust them, so you didn’t, because you trusted the sociopath and believed that the sociopath MUST have known something you didn’t know. Repeatedly, you rejected and discarded the same people the sociopath rejected and discarded.

(I just watched independence and discernment wash away as I wrote that. Very frightening how much power we give these sociopathic fools…and for no good reason other than our blind faith in the good of humanity.)

But as soon as you began to question the very whims and fancies you once blindly trusted, you became one of the sinners whom the sociopath needed to either mind screw more or vanquish forever from his delusional world of self-power and control.

Once you stopped responding to the sociopath’s relentless attempts to mind screw you, you somehow either left or were discarded like many before you.

Regardless of how it ended, be thankful it’s over. Be thankful the freak is out of your life and you can focus on reality again.

If you’re reading this in disbelief and thinking that life with a sociopath sounds too much like a silly B movie or cartoon, you’d be correct. Sociopaths love drama. The more that surrounds the sociopath, the better.

Drama has no substance. It’s more transparent, translucent and without substance than the clouds. At least clouds have a purpose!

The sociopath is just a fool who builds life upon a foundation of shifting and sinking sand. The pillars of support the sociopath needs come from you and me and that person and this person.

Without us, the sociopath can’t survive and thrive.

Without us, the sociopath ceases to be powerful.

Without us, the sociopath is unable to hurt people like us.

Without us, the sociopath will suddenly and violently perish.

Sociopaths NEED us; we do not need them. Always remember this simple fact to remain free from the sociopath’s lies, manipulations and never-ending con game.

The next time a sociopath crosses your path with charms and promises of salvation, just nod, smile and say:

“No, thank you. I might believe in ghosts and faeries, but I refuse to believe in you.”

Namaste!
~Paula

Share Your Story!

Share Your Story by September 30, 2013!

Share Your Story!The deadline to Share Your Story is just a month away!

I am writing a follow-up book to Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath, and I want you and your story to be a part of it!

My second book will focus on healing and recovery from pathological love/toxic relationships using mindful approaches like yoga, meditation, writing, journaling, joining support groups and much more.

I believe that the more real-life examples victims, survivors and advocates read, the better our collective understanding. The better our collective understanding, the easier it will be to increase our support systems and see real change in how divorce, child custody, domestic violence, rape and intimate partner abuse cases are approached, investigated and determined/prosecuted.

Follow the link below to learn more about sharing your story. For all who share their story and are interested, I’ll send you a signed copy of “Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath.” You’ll see on the form where to provide your full mailing address.

Thank you, in advance, for helping us help each other understand and learn about the powers within ourselves to overcome even the ugliest relationships and experiences in this lifetime.

Namaste! Peace!
~ Paula

Share your story today!

© Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications, 2012 – 2013.

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The Sociopath’s Graceless Heart: See It for What It Is.

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People without a conscience (you know, sociopaths) are able to “get over” loss and failure easily.

Why? How is that possible?

The one characteristic of sociopaths which we can never, ever forget and must keep at the forefront of our minds is the reality that the sociopath is not like the rest of us. The sociopath is not capable of becoming emotionally attached and rooted to anything, any place and definitely not any person.

The sociopath’s heart is without grace.

Any connections you perceive the sociopath to have (because that’s what we do; we try to understand the sociopath as we understand ourselves) are purely surface, superficial and material. People and animals are objects that the sociopath uses and controls to his advantage and to validate his delusions of superiority and uniqueness.

He loses a job? The sociopath might be pissed for a day or two but will soon be manipulating and conning his way either into another workplace/position or someone “close” to him out of money and resources.

They make these “losses” look like “no big thing” because they really are “no big thing” to the sociopath. That job was just a tool he used to look good and to buy stuff that made him look good. He can always find another employer to suck.

He loses a fiancée/girlfriend/wife? Pfft! The sociopath will seem distraught for about a week as he cries and complains to his adoring audience about how terrible and heartless his ex was for leaving him. Then, almost like magic, the sociopath’s tears will dry up and he and his audience (a.k.a. pity-party participants) will move on to a new project the sociopath conned and manipulated them into doing in order to help the sociopath get his mind off of his loss.

Again, the sociopath appears and acts incredibly strong and together in the face of a crushing and life-changing event. But who can take on a house renovation, a book project, a new girlfriend/boyfriend or anything requiring making an emotional connection to anyone or any idea within just a few weeks of losing another emotional connection? A sociopath–that’s who.

But we don’t see their strength for what it is—a deficit in the sociopath’s character.

Instead, we see the sociopath’s ability to “bounce back” as strength, as a power and a skill. We are in awe of this person’s “ability” to lift himself up so quickly after being knocked down. We are in awe of this person’s “ability” to change and move forward with seeming grace and confidence in little more than a few days or weeks!

But look closely. Nothing has changed. The only thing that has changed is the group of suckers surrounding the sociopath. These new and/or well-groomed long-term suckers freely give to the sociopath their time, care and resources so the sociopath, their devastated and wronged friend, doesn’t suffer unnecessarily due to the selfishness and carelessness of the heartless person/employer/ex-friend who hurt him and caused his suffering.

Some like to call the pity-party participants enablers. I refuse to call the pity-party participants “enablers.” They aren’t. An enabler is someone who sees someone doing something unhealthy and destructive and doesn’t address those bad habits with the person committing those bad habits, allowing that person to keep destroying themselves.

People who have aligned themselves with a sociopath have no idea that any bad habits exist. I mean, how do you detect that someone is a lying piece of trash without a conscience? How?

It’s nearly impossible.

When we first meet someone, why would we suspect that person is deceiving us and has ulterior motives? Why would we suspect a person would lie so adamantly about a person or situation we do not know about first-hand? Why would we think a person is setting the stage for future chaos and confusion?

We wouldn’t, because healthy and normal good people do not live to pit people against others just so we always comes out smelling like roses. We just don’t.

Unless you are deeply intimate with a sociopath and share a living space or workplace with the person, you may never understand the ugliness involved in triangulation, lies and deceptions. In many cases, the sociopath is so passive aggressive and so good at stonewalling and giving you, the pity-party participant, the silent treatment (once you do start asking the “right” questions) that the sociopath never, ever outright lies with his verbal or written language.

There is a reason the sociopath goes silent. A very fucking (excuse me) good reason: the sociopath refuses to be linked to a direct quote that reveals all truth. Instead, the sociopath withholds that truth in hopes that you’ll either A.) Stop asking your silly and infuriating questions or B.) Abandon/fire him like the last person/employer so he can start his pity-party game all over again with another unsuspecting group of folks.

But, if you look closely, the truth is always revealed in what is not said or written. The absence of answers is indicative of the presence of lies.

The truth is in the sociopath’s avoidance of answering questions and facing his opponents head-on. The sociopath leaves the dirty work up to others (pity-part participants) to pass along and smear and demean those with the strength, courage and self-respect to finally walk away or fire his ass.

So the next time you meet someone with an unbelievable back story about being wrongfully accused of doing unspeakable things, listen to your gut. If he claims to be “all good” with it because that other person or employer is just crazy or insane or bipolar or borderline, question how he could “get over” a person he once wanted to grow old with. Ask him how he can just “let go” of his dream job without mourning it.

Normal and healthy people NEED time to grieve and process tragedy, if indeed they describe it as tragic. A few weeks? Come on! You know BS when you smell BS, so why are you allowing his BS to smell like that 4th bouquet of flowers he had delivered to your office?

Give your gut some credit. It’s not JUST your gut. It’s a very discerning and intelligent inner voice you’ve been carrying around with you your entire life.

You should heed that voice when it repeatedly tells you, “This person is a liar. This person is a deceiver. This person will throw anyone and everyone under the bus, including you. Who cares if he claims you’re the best thing to ever happen to him. You already know you’re a fantastic and amazing person. You don’t need some loser, some person who obviously loses people and jobs and family, telling you how great you are. The common denominator in this loser’s life is himself. Wake up!”

Walk away gracefully from the graceless beasts.

Namaste!

~ Paula

(image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/407505466253116061/)

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