I lost a friend this week…

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When I learned she was dead, I was shocked but not surprised. She had been sick for a very long time, and I felt relief that her suffering had finally ended.

Knowing what I know about the struggles of my friend over the past 2 years, I’m not particularly interested in the details surrounding how she actually died. While sharing the news with a friend, I simply stated, “She was very sick.”

My friend asked, “Mentally or physically?”

Because I respect the memory of my friend, I didn’t want to answer the question despite knowing it was a perfectly acceptable and innocent question to ask.

Then I thought more about the question…

When we are sick, doesn’t the sickness affect our bodies and our minds?

Pain is not just physical; pain is mental and emotional.

When was the last time you hurt yourself and only that part of your body was affected?

When my belly hurts, my head hurts. When I cut myself or knock into a chair (because I’m clumsy sometimes), the pain is felt throughout my body. My mind becomes frustrated by my carelessness as much as my physical systems are stressed to heal my bruise or bump.

And just like our minds are affected by physical pain and injury, our bodies become affected when the pain and injury starts in our minds.

Many who have suffered psychological abuse leading to depression and self-defeating thoughts can attest: if we don’t have the tools to help us mentally heal, our physical bodies are directly compromised and weakened.

So many women I speak with daily through this blog suffer from physical conditions like fibromyalgia, gastrointestinal malfunctioning, exhaustion, insomnia, cancer…the list goes on.

I believe, regardless if the pain begins in our physical bodies or in our minds, we have the power and capacity to help ourselves heal.

(I’m not against medical treatment. Not at all. But I believe we can positively supplement medical treatments by remembering to think and be mindful of our inner power to heal.)

We need to stop putting pain and healing into buckets of physical or mental sickness. When we are sick, we are sick–body and mind. And because it’s our body and mind that is sick, we need to shift our thinking away from pills and band aids that only treat the original source of our pain and instead use a more holistic and mindful approach to healing.

I put this out there not because I read something (although I do read stuff) or because someone told me that’s how it should be. I put this out there because I have benefited from holistic healing unaware that I was helping myself holistically. It’s only been within the last 12 months or so that I have been able to step outside of the work I’ve done and analyze it.

I’ve tried just pills; I’ve tried just exercising.

I stopped the pills and stopped exercising for the sake of exercising. The pills didn’t make my depression go away anymore than exercising helped my knee pain go away.

What helped was taking a good hard look at everything I consumed and every activity I participated and every person I allowed to affect my thoughts and actions.

I love yoga. I love studying about nutrition. I love sharing what I have learned. I’m not a selfish asshole content with my own self-awareness. I want and wish for all of my friends and family members to benefit from what I have learned. It’s what drives me to keep me writing and spewing through my keyboard.

If you know me personally, you have surely heard me say, “You should try yoga!!”

It’s important to know that I’ll probably continue encouraging you to try yoga, especially if you keep insisting on complaining to me about how unhappy and in pain you are.

(Keep in mind that I want you to complain to me. I won’t judge you, but I will say, “You should try yoga!”)

If I didn’t care about you, I wouldn’t want to share with you what has worked for me…almost like a magic pill.

And because you welcome my repeated and annoying suggestions, I also welcome your advice to me even if your advice is to tell me to just shut up already.

I’ll take my chances at being the friend that annoys you.

Namaste!
~Paula

(Image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/315814992590392541/)

Practice healthy selfishness and pride despite what the Sociopath thinks of the matter

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One of the hardest things for empathic people to balance is our need to care for ourselves while also caring for the needs of others.

We worry so much about the happiness of others that we often cause ourselves undue stress and anxiety worrying that we haven’t done the best we can to make our loved ones happy.

While in the relationship with the sociopath, it seemed like we never did the best we should have done. Our biggest fear of failing to make sure our loved ones were happy was manifested every day.

Regardless of our planning and our efforts to please the sociopath, there was always a detail we missed. Missing those minor details (like signing off a text or email with “Love” instead of “I love you”) gave the sociopath fodder to call us all sorts of horrific names and to deem us unworthy of love.

(Seriously! For pity sake!! Do you see the absurdity and stupidity that you were sucked into accepting all because of some immature piece of trash?)

I love to love and help people. I love seeing the underdog win and the champion keep winning. I love to see people succeed, and I love to smile with them at their accomplishments.

Unfortunately, I was made aware, by the sociopath, that smiling at my own accomplishments is selfish and a hateful act.

(How ironic to be told by a sociopath that I’m selfish and hateful if I show or feel pride in myself.)

Sociopaths try and often succeed in convincing us we should be ashamed for being prideful. Sociopaths will tell you you’re tasteless and selfish for being so vain in your actions.

(Again, how damn ironic!!)

How often were you excited about a personal success or breakthrough only to be “brought back to earth” by the sociopath?

And how often were you chastised for not making a bigger deal about something the sociopath accomplished?

(I use the word “accomplished” very lightly in relation to all things sociopathic. Sociopaths succeed in destroying, not building.)

What if I told you that you should never feel ashamed about being proud of yourself? You should also stop feel guilty for failing to praise the sociopath on-demand.

You know what I’m talking about, right? All those instances when the sociopath would excitedly tell you some fantastic tale about something he was proud he did, but you interpreted it as something not at all praise-worthy, and the sociopath chastised you for having such a reaction?

(Raged upon you is more like it.)

Even though the sociopath’s rage was intended to shame you (and you WERE ashamed) for being so inconsiderate to his needs, please know today, in this moment now, that you were justified for not applauding his behavior. You were right not to high-five the asshole when he demanded your high-five.

Being an accomplished asshole is not deserving of a high-five. Let’s be real and stop revering the unworthy. Let’s stop being apathetic. There are too many Emperor’s wearing “new clothes” in need of being forced out of their delusions. If not forced out of their delusions, at least pushed out of our lives.

How do we do that?

I believe we start by valuing ourselves and our skills and abilities.

Sociopaths are attracted to shiny and pretty things. We’re shiny and pretty, but we don’t give ourselves enough credit.

We need to start. Now. This minute.

When we value our skills and talents, we end up naturally valuing the skills and talents of others. Self-defeating behaviors end, and we stop the unhealthy practice of envying others and comparing ourselves to others.

(That’s what sociopaths do: envy and compare. We want nothing to do with any kind of activity in which sociopaths participate, right?!?!)

Instead, if we truly value ourselves, we automatically value others and their skills. Competition ceases to exist.

We naturally begin gravitating more and more toward more and more people with healthy egos who are also interested in bettering their lives and the lives of those surrounding them.

(Just think about the wonderful people you’ve met through pages and blogs like this just because you let go of some of your self-defeating behavior and took a chance that someone would understand you and value what you had to share? It’s really simple to be ourselves once we accept ourselves.)

Once surrounded by other creative and good-hearted individuals, an impenetrable force of trust, honesty and respect manifests. This force is a natural deterrent to sociopaths and sociopathic behaviors and thinking.

Practice valuing yourself and your natural gifts. Be selfish to protect those gifts from overly selfish and greedy people. Share sparingly, building greater and greater trust, understanding and respect.

Nothing happens overnight. There are no quick solutions or fixes. Regardless of what the sociopath might say to try steering you away from your path, practice patience with yourself and those who have proven themselves worthy.

You matter, and the people who matter to you know you matter and will fall in love with your independent spirit sprinkled with just the right balance of selfishness, pride and love of life.

Above all, remain aware of how your decisions and actions affect others. Not everyone is going to be happy and agreeable all of the time. We aren’t always going to make the very best choices.

But if we remember to check ourselves against how we don’t want to be (you know, sociopathic), the chances that we hurt another or ourselves greatly diminish.

We can be selfish and prideful and still be caring, empathic and selfless.

Namaste!
~Paula

© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications

The Role of Your Conscience when Dealing with the Aftermath of a Sociopath

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When trying to understand a sociopath and how a sociopath will react to you and any attempts you make to seek justice or revenge, you MUST remember two very important facts:

1. Sociopaths are not connected intimately to a spiritual core.

2. Sociopath’s are unable to empathize or be guided by a conscience.

Why are these facts important to remember?

As empathic and spiritual people, we react to life and loss with feelings and deep emotions:

>> We wonder how what we did today will affect us negatively or positively in the future.

>> We consider how our choices will impact others in negative or positive ways.

>> We worry about the possibility of making the wrong choices in life that could potentially cause harm to ourselves and others.

>> More importantly, our conscience reminds us that our existence, choices and actions affect others and that we must be careful and thoughtful in our decision-making processes or else hurt another unintentionally.

The last thing we ever want to be accused of is hurting another person, right? It stings deep through to our core when we discover we’ve been careless with another’s heart and trust.

A Sociopath doesn’t have that conscience, that little voice warning him/her that what s/he is about to do could hurt someone. And the sociopath certainly doesn’t have that little voice that makes him/her feel guilty for hurting you once you express to him/her that s/he hurt you!

So a conscience doesn’t just work in one direction. It’s cyclical and holistic and surrounds our core. It protects us and others from potential harm, because it keeps us ever-mindful of the importance of using care in making decisions involving ourselves and other living creatures.

But sometimes we ignore our conscience. Sometimes, in the case of being spiritually, physically and emotionally abused by another, our conscience malfunctions and we are instead guided by our anger and deep need to seek revenge and justice.

Is it the trauma effects that take over, clouding our judgement, our conscience and our ability to rationalize? More than likely, yes.

So the moment you feel the need to see the sociopath suffer in ways you have never wished another to suffer, that is your cue that you’ve been victimized/traumatized and you need the help of a licensed professional to guide you back to your conscience.

You cannot and should not act without your conscience being fully active, responsive and healthy.

Otherwise, you react in revenge mode, and you do not want to seek revenge on the sociopath; it will back fire.

The sociopath isn’t afraid of you and your emotions, because the sociopath has no emotional fears or connections, remember? A conscience provides us with those fears, and sociopaths do not have a conscience!

Without a conscience, the sociopath uses your emotions to control you further. (People with a healthy and active conscience just wouldn’t think to do such a thing. Instead, we’d recognize that person’s pain and seek to understand it and help relieve it, not exacerbate it!)

If you start throwing hateful accusations and names at the sociopath (like calling him a “sociopath”), the sociopath recognizes that your conscience is out to lunch, rendering you weak.

When your conscience is out to lunch, you open the door to the sociopath who will effortlessly turn your efforts to destroy him emotionally right back at you!

You bypassed your conscience. When you bypass your conscience, you are an easy target, and you will suffer every single time.

And the sociopath certainly isn’t afraid to hurt you. The sociopath will find joy in watching you collapse. The sociopath feeds off of your emotional weakness.

Therefore, we only end up hurting ourselves when we seek to hurt the sociopath, because the sociopath is spiritually empty. Nothing at the spiritual or emotional level affects or harms the sociopath.

So what should you do? How do you deal with never getting justice for all of the injustices inflicted upon you by the sociopath?

I believe you should always be true to your conscience. Always seek the path of least resistance when dealing with a sociopath in family and divorce court. Always approach negotiations in a reasonable, thoughtful and caring way.

Act as your conscience dictates, not in absence of your conscience.

Otherwise, no judge or mediator will understand or even care about your emotional claims of abuse and turmoil.

Once you enter a court of law, everything becomes black and white. How do you begin to explain the varying shades of abusers you experienced when you can’t measure or prove the abuse took place?

And don’t expect the courts to take you on your word when you make claims of being abused by the sociopath. The courts can only go on what they see and hear before them.

If you’re in the courtroom resisting and crying and spewing hate in the direction of the sociopath while the sociopath just stands there without reacting to you emotionally, that’s what the court will see.

And what is it that the court sees? How does the court interpret this behavior?

The court sees a hateful and verbally abusive person (YOU) who isn’t using care to express his/herself. The court sees a person acting without a conscience and without remorse for the consequences of his/her accusations. In stark contrast, the court see the emotionally empty sociopath as a controlled and reasonable person.

Who do you suspect the court will rule in favor of?

I realize this doesn’t seem fair, and it isn’t fair. Your life was ambushed by a conscienceless piece of trash who tried to strip you of your conscience.

And the sociopath nearly succeeded.

But instead of abandoning your conscience and getting angrier and angrier at the sociopath’s lack of a conscience and an ability to be a decent human being, imagine how unfair it would be not to have the gift of empathy and a conscience.

>> Imagine not caring if you harmed yourself or others.

>> Imagine how empty you would feel if your mind was only capable of understanding the material world before you.

>> Imagine being absolutely unable to see into your soul and into the infinite possibilities of a spiritual life filled with love, peace and joy?

That’s not living. If I recall correctly from my time in hell with the sociopath, that was dying.

(And Sociopaths don’t even know they’re dead. We should keep that our secret, huh?)

Never abandon your conscience and never seek revenge or wish harm to befall the sociopath. (After all, zombies and dead stuff cant feel pain, so why bother.)

Instead, focus on rebuilding your conscience and employing it to find peace and grow love as it was intended.

Namaste!
~Paula

© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications

(Image source: http://arkthefury.deviantart.com/art/guilty-conscience-183143181)

More on finding fault with the Sociopath’s Family

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Yesterday’s post about mothers of sociopaths garnered lots of reaction on this blog and on the Facebook page dedicated to my book, Escaping the Boy.

First, I think it’s wonderful that everyone is sharing their specific experiences and reactions. Doing this allows all of us a greater chance of finding a story that relates to our own, which, in turn, will serve to validate us further and aid us in our healing and recovery.

One thing I did not mention about blame and fault: they are built on the same psychological premise as reward and praise.

The same way we as mothers and fathers can’t take the credit for our children when they do well and succeed, we can’t feel emotionally responsible for our children’s failures.

Do you blame your parents for your mistakes? Do you give them all the credit when you have done exceptionally well in the past?

I doubt it.

The first thing we do as healthy people with healthy egos is thank ourselves or punish ourselves when we succeed and fail.

So why would we blame the parents of a sociopath or narcissist for how they treat others?

Certainly, nurture plays a heavy hand in who and what we become. As parents, all we can do is model care, trust and love in hopes our children will become loving and forgiving adults.

However, nurturing, good and bad, only has so much impact on a person. We are each born as individual humans with the potential to mold and create ourselves in any way we choose.

It really comes down to individual choice: we can continue being a jerk or a good person or we can choose to be something else.

Once we mature, we have the ability to step back, reflect and compare our moral code against society’s and against individuals we admire regardless of our upbringing.

Each of us has the power to be better and do better. We can change!

Sociopaths do not have that power. They are not wired with the ability to step back outside of their material selves and reflect on their core.

And even non-sociopaths, people who remain immersed in toxic relationships, do not have that power.

Think back to how you were in the toxic relationship.

>>Were you able to discern between the fake and the real?

>>Were you able to logically and clearly dissect the chaos and mind games playing out in every scenario?

>>Did you have full and complete control over your own thoughts and actions?

>>Did you love and respect yourself and your ability to solve problems and set personal boundaries?

Being free from the influence of a sociopath and other pathological types is essential for healing and recovery.

The only people who are to blame for inflicting pain upon you and your children and other loved ones are those people who directly inflicted that pain.

If it was your ex and his entire family, then it’s fair to blame them individually.

Give them back the burden you’ve been carrying, even if it’s just a mental and emotional burden you are tossing aside.

But we cannot blame the dead parents or care givers who were once a part of a sociopath’s life. We can’t blame the brothers or sisters we never met.

The full accountability lies with those who inflicted the harm directly, not by proxy.

I love my son and give him lots of love and understanding. My wish is that he grows up to be a man HE can be proud of being.

His success or lack of success will soon have no bearing on whether I was or wasn’t a good parent.

The power to be kind, empathetic, loving and forgiving lies 100% within him.

If your ex is a part of a pathological and toxic family unit, he/she had a choice a long time ago to become a positive influence. Not every person within a toxic family is pathological or destined to become pathological.

But the longer and deeper the delusions run, the less likely the cycle will ever end.

I have met many people through this page who were raised by pathological mothers and/fathers and are not sick themselves. They are good, honest and giving people.

So I wholeheartedly believe the fault lies solely on the abusive person’s shoulders. Not the mother’s, the father’s, the foster parents’ or adoptive parents’.

Those people as individuals may be jerks and assholes, too. They may have been shitty parents and care givers.

But it’s the choice of the individual to continue to be hateful and harmful to victims/survivors who modeled love and honor but, in the end, failed to make an impact.

It’s no more the parent’s fault than it was your fault that the sociopath remains diabolical and unable to change.

Namaste!
~Paula

© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications.

How many licks?

Hard Work Ahead in the Aftermath of the Sociopath

How many licks?Sociopaths see all people, especially intimate partners, as possessions and acquisitions.

Remember that Tootsie Roll Pop commercial from decades ago? Well, I can’t help but think about it when I think about the sociopath, the boy in my story. He behaved like a big, fat toddler holding a lollipop, slowly licking away at me and my identity.

And I allowed the sociopath to consume me, penetrate and control my emotions. He judged my emotions daily by shaming, blaming and praising me. And I cared what he thought. Why? Because I thought he really loved me, and don’t we all care what our loved ones think of us?

But now I know nothing the sociopath did or said came from a place of love. His actions came from a place of fear, and his fears were inflicted upon me. I absorbed those fears and took them on. Doing this thrust me into a very dark place. A dark place that slowly and insidiously destroyed my sense of self.

After escaping the sociopath, I was hit hard by a need to go inward and explore what it was inside of me that allowed such evil to penetrate me and use me as its host.

I discovered I wasn’t as confident and as strong as I thought I was. I didn’t have the necessary self-love and self-respect I needed to fight off and deflect sociopaths and sociopathic behavior by others.

So I set out to change that.

I wrote on my blog. I met others with similar experiences. I didn’t feel alone.

I talked to friends and family about how I was feeling. Not everyone understood but enough “got it” and encouraged me to keep talking.

I read books and blogs. Some didn’t fit with how I was feeling. Others did. I took what was valuable and relevant to my situation and left the rest behind.

I continued meeting with my counselor even when I felt like I didn’t need to talk to him anymore. He kept encouraging me while asking the hard questions.

I practiced yoga as often as I could. If I couldn’t find the time to get on the mat, I thought about what I learned on the mat and how I could bring that patience, determination and non-judgment into my daily life, work and play.

I faced my deepest and darkest sides. I turned my entire identity upside down and inside out.

And the work remains; it’s never-ending. But that’s just because life is never-ending (until, of course, it ends). I’m comfortable being an idealist who is forced to push the reality button on occasion.

Thankfully, I now have a solid foundation of self-love and self-worth. I no longer define myself by what I’ve done or what I have left undone. I am always changing and growing, the way we’re supposed to do in life. I’m in an environment and surrounded by friends and loved ones who give me that freedom to grow and reach my potential.

Today, I remain committed to starting, completing and maintaining the hard work I’ve done and continue to do deconstructing and rebuilding what nearly destroyed me due to all of my past toxic relationships and their effects.

I may not be 100% impenetrable. I have no doubt I will be faced with many shitty people in my future. Fortunately, I have more faith and trust in my gut, and I am pretty confident that it would take an infinite number of licks to get to the center of this tootsie roll pop again! 

Namaste!
~Paula

© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications.

Turn Away from the Sociopath’s Projections

turn_awayEvery projection the sociopath spews in your direction is soaked with the truth of who and what the sociopath is, not of who or what you are.

Sweet, huh?

(‘To project’ is what guilty people in denial do in hopes of making everyone else feel as empty and as dark as the guilty person in denial feels. Guilty people not in denial are able to face their ‘crimes’ and be accountable for their crimes; they don’t project blame onto others. Instead, guilty people not in denial take full responsibility for their behavior and carry their shame upon their backs until they die.) 

Now back to the sociopath who is always guilty and always in denial.

>> When the sociopath tells you that you are a worthless whore, he’s actually revealing his promiscuous past and his sexual exploits and abuses of others.

>> When the sociopath tells you that men/women are only interested in you because they want to have sex with you, the sociopath is telling you that the sociopath is only interested in you for sex.

>> When the sociopath tells you that your best friend is not worthy of being your best friend, the sociopath is actually revealing that you shouldn’t trust the sociopath to be your friend.

>> When the sociopath tells you that your family doesn’t really love you and is just enabling you, the sociopath is telling you that the sociopath’s family is loveless and just tolerates each other because it looks better to seem like a loving family.

>> When the sociopath tells you that your son isn’t lovable and that your son only says loving things to you in order to manipulate you, the sociopath is telling you that the sociopath doesn’t love his own mother and is only nice to her to get her to do things for him.

>> When the sociopath tells you that you’re a liar, the sociopath is really confessing that the sociopath is the one who has been lying to you from the beginning of the relationship.

>> When the sociopath accuses you of being selfish and not putting the relationship first, the sociopath is telling you that the sociopath is an egotistical jerk who doesn’t really care about you or the relationship beyond having something to control.

>> When the sociopath tells you that you’re crazy, sick, bipolar and borderline, the sociopath is revealing the sociopath’s deep-rooted, psychological issues that the sociopath has been fighting against his entire life.

You can place a solid bet on the fact that anything ugly and judgmental that comes out of the sociopath’s mouth against you or another person is actually a self-observing statement of the sociopath by the sociopath.

Who says the sociopath isn’t reflective!?! The sociopath is always reflective!? The sociopath is so caught up in his own reflection that he confuses himself with everyone else when he glances up on occasion and sees us standing there. The sociopath ONLY has the capacity to see himself in all things and all people. He can’t think outside of himself, making him mediocre, not genius or evolved like he’d like us all to believe.

(Don’t, for a second, give consideration to the self-professing sociopath’s claim that sociopaths possess a genius or an above-average intelligence. It’s a crock of BS. Some sociopaths may be more able to go unnoticed longer than other sociopaths making these sociopaths seem intelligent in their manipulations. But none of them have brains and abilities as marvelous and as agile as non-sociopaths. And none of them can overpower a non-sociopath who has finally caught on to who and what the sociopath is.)

Once you see this and accept this, the easier it becomes to detach from all the bullshit accusations the sociopath throws in your direction. We should simply deflect the sociopath’s accusations back. We should hold up our shield and allow the sociopath’s own words, his weapons, to destroy the sociopath. It’s really an effortless approach.

How do we do that? How do we deflect the accusations without looking as ridiculous as the sociopath?

We say nothing. We just let the sociopath spew. He’ll eventually realize the only one who is listening to him is himself. He’ll eventually shut up or find another audience that will listen to his pity party, because he can’t stand recognizing that he’s the only one paying attention and that he’s talking to himself about himself.

Although few say anything about what their gut is telling them about the sociopath, every one of us sees through the sociopath’s projections. It’s just easier to say nothing than to deal with the wrath of a bruised and injured psychopath, don’t you agree?

After all, they are dangerous and predictable in the harm they are capable of inflicting, and it’s best not to provoke them. Just keep deflecting by saying nothing and remaining silent.

Namaste!
~Paula

(image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/408701734905122917/)


© 2013 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications.

Accepting Another Invitation to Talk About Sociopaths on TV

destiny old womanSince becoming aware of and accepting the reality of what struck me when in the relationship with the sociopath, the boy in my story, I try making decisions related to telling more of my story based on what I may or may not regret.

So when I was contacted this week by a researcher interested in interviewing me and learning more about my story for a new show on relationships to run on A&E’s Biography Channel, I hesitated to respond:

A.) I needed to run the idea passed my husband. He is ultimately affected by every decision I make related to telling my story. If he worries it will affect us negatively, I worry too.

B.) On the heals of my HuffPost Live appearance, I was feeling defeated and couldn’t help but ask, “Is continuing to speak out worth the stress and regret when I get it wrong or when I do a half-assed job of trying to express myself?”

C.) Can I really do this? Do I have the resources and the time to dedicate to something like this? Just a few weeks ago I was writing about not writing as much about this subject matter.

I immediately texted my husband. He immediately responded with, “Go for it!”

So I am going for it. I have a phone interview later next week and will be provided with more details. Once I am able to share more, I will.

In the meantime, please let me know some of the major focus areas related to sociopaths and recovery from pathological relationships that you think should be touched upon if the show allows.

If it were not for the support of my family and friends and all of the wonderful people I have had the privilege of meeting through this blog, I wouldn’t have the confidence and motivation I have to keep trying.

One day soon, I wholeheartedly believe, the words sociopath, psychopath, relational harm and pathological love will be understood by the majority and not over-used or misused like they are today.

Namaste! Peace and love!

(image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/46302702388466751/)

Share Your Story!

Share your story of survival and recovery with me for my next book!

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I am writing a follow-up book to Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath and would like you and your story to be a part of it!

Submit your story!

My second book will focus on healing and recovery from pathological love relationships using mindful approaches like yoga, meditation, writing, journaling, joining support groups and much more.

I believe that the more real-life examples victims, survivors and advocates read, the better our collective understanding. The better our collective understanding, the easier it will be to increase our support systems and see real change in how divorce, child custody, domestic violence, rape and intimate partner abuse cases are approached, investigated and determined/prosecuted.

By following the “Submit Your Story” link, completing and submitting the form, you agree to have your story shared anonymously. However, if you would like me to use your name in my book, check the box at the end of the form prior to submission. Your name and home state/country will be included in the book’s acknowledgments.

If you have any questions prior to completing the form, send me a private message.

You can complete as little or as much of the form/questionnaire as you would like. Keep in mind that writing about your experiences may cause anxieties and a flood of emotions. If you are triggered in any way, stop writing and speak to a trusted counselor or loved one.

Submit your story!

http://storyofasociopath.com/Share_Your_Story_.html

informed-consent and the sociopath's fantasy

Stop giving the sociopath credit. He knows not what he does.

informed-consent and the sociopath's fantasy

We tend to give the sociopath too much credit, don’t you think?

All of the behaviors and traits that help us to identify a narcissistic sociopath are their default behaviors. These are not behaviors he had to learn or improve upon. They are behaviors that are inbred and standard for these fools.

A narcissistic sociopath is no more aware of what he does and how he affects people than a rock is aware of the stream rushing by or the frogs and birds and other creatures that use its surface over time.

I do not believe that the narcissistic sociopath awakens each morning and thinks about the people he will destroy. I do not believe he thinks about people much at all. For that matter, I don’t believe the sociopath thinks. Period.

“Thinking–the talking of the soul with itself.” ~Plato (See! Even Plato would agree these fools have no soul.)

A narcissistic sociopath just is. He is an unchanging, unfeeling, unemotional blob of flesh that happens to resemble a human on the surface. (I’d prefer not to think about what his mangled insides must resemble.)

The non-thinking sociopath doesn’t allow anything to worry him. Why? He has no conscience. It is the conscience that throws the rest of us into states of panick, states of joy, and states of calm acceptance.

How lucky and fortunate we are!

The narcissistic sociopath feels none of these things. (Isn’t that sad? But just don’t pity him, okay? That’s why you were stuck in the mess to begin with, remember?)

Although the narcissistic sociopath feels nothing, he sees everything and focuses on those things that are bright and shiny, which are the very things he wants and covets. More often than not, those bright and shiny things are humans.

We repeatedly read and are reminded that the narcissistic sociopath’s goal is to break people and make them weak and vulnerable, especially in romantic relationships.

However, I don’t think sociopaths are goal-oriented nor aware of anything outside of their egocentric microcosm. If someone directed them to destroy Jane for example, the sociopath would simply walk away from Jane thinking that act would destroy her because the sociopath was no longer in her life. (Absurd!)

So, no, I do not believe a sociopath seeks to break the ones they claim to love so much. Why do you think they act so surprised when we accuse them of hurting us on purpose!??

If we are broken as a result of our relationship with a narcissistic sociopath, we must be prepared to take full responsiblity, suck it up and own 100% of the blame.

The male sociopath is focused on acquisitions. He wants stuff, especially nice stuff. Time and time again, the sociopath will select a “trophy” female, a woman with high-achieving ambitions, with often higher morals and put her on a pedestal. She is his perfect shiny and new thing.

But no one is perfect. And once the trophy starts behaving imperfectly, the sociopath gets pissed (he can’t help himself) and can only focus on the fact his image of the trophy keeps getting shattered because the trophy keeps screwing up. (It’s all your fault, remember?)

The sociopath blasts the trophy for not living up to what he expected and wanted the trophy to look like, act like and stand for. And with each attack, the trophy crumbles and becomes even less perfect and confident, giving the sociopath unending reasons to be angry and blast and attack a little more.

By the time the sociopath discards the trophy, it’s clear to the sociopath that the trophy he once idolized, ruined itself and failed the sociopath. It’s not the sociopath’s fault he had to discard the trophy! It’s the trophy’s fault for having deceived the sociopath into making him think the trophy was perfect and shiny in the first place. (How dare you?!?)

Accepting this is vital for your inner peace, because the sociopath will never consent to agreeing that his behavior was unprovoked. You caused him to behave the way he did. He was just reacting to your bad behavior.

What does your bad behavior boil down to?

For starters, you stomped on the sociopath’s fantasy, a fantasy you didn’t even know existed; You ruined his fairy tale, a fairy tale you didn’t realize he wrote; and most of all, you squashed his delusions, delusions of the perfect you he expected and wanted you to be. (You sinner!)

But honestly, how were you supposed to know he was a 6-year-old trapped in a man’s body?

Give yourself a break and accept the sociopath for what he is. He couldn’t help himself. His nature is to destroy people, and he doesn’t even know it. He deserves no forgiveness (he did nothing wrong in his eyes) and no more of your time.

Namaste!
~Paula

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Elephant Journal – My New Writing Gig

elephant journal logoIn a quest to expand my reach and touch an even greater audience, I pursued an apprenticeship with Elephant Journal and landed it!! I begin next week. Here is a little bit about Elephant Journal and the purpose of the online magazine. I hope you all decide to follow Elephant Journal either on Facebook or Twitter or both!


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elephantjournaldotcom is your guide to what we like to call ‘the mindful life’: yoga, organics, sustainability, genuine spirituality, conscious consumerism, fair fashion, the contemplative arts…anything that helps us to live a good life that also happens to be good for others, and our planet.

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