Sociopaths steal our values to create their mask and gain supply

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First thing this morning, I received my weekly newsletter from Donna over at LoveFraud.com. I skimmed the headlines and read the first article listed which succinctly explains that love equals supply for a sociopath. I agreed with the article and moved on with my day.

A few hours passed, and I received a text from a reader and friend (whom I got to meet this past weekend in NYC!). She wanted to know how I was able to find a way to accept all of the sociopath’s lies and manipulations and move forward. The previously mentioned LoveFraud.com article immediately came to mind.

I explained to my friend that I don’t accept the lies or abuse or the shame. However, I do accept that he, the sociopath, needed to lie, abuse and shame me because he was/is too weak to fulfill his own needs and needed me as his supply.

(I don’t think I have ever used the word “need” so many times in a single sentence. Hehe!)

To be his supply, mirroring me and my values and interests was absolutely necessary. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have looked past what I falsely perceived to be his “minor” flaws and stuck around dealing with his shitty character for so long. Instead, because he made it appear like he was so much like me, I subconsciously saw myself in him and used patience to deal with his outbursts, rages, and insults.

(Despite such behavior, he had to be a good person underneath, right?)

The mirroring, which he did/does so well, had me looking past his racism, lack of education, elitism, ugliness, and lack of compassion. All of the good he seemed to have was stolen from those around him (me and a small handful of folks he used as friends). These stolen values allowed him to fit in and be accepted despite all of those flaws that would have been glaring red flags had he not swiped our strongest character traits and worn them as his mask.

These people, sociopaths, can’t survive on their own. They need us; we do not need them. They find us and prey on us when we are at a temporary place of vulnerability. We could have just lost a parent or spouse. We may have lost a job or found ourselves financially burdened due to something unexpected happening to us. Whatever the case, we were weak and in need of support. We were at a place of dependency.

These people, sociopaths, sniff out dependency, get their hooks in us and refuse to let go until we’ve been depleted of all usefulness. And we all eventually become depleted of value, because sociopaths only understand how to take, take, take. They have nothing, absolutely NOTHING, to give to us of value in return.

(Money is not value, by the way. Money does not feed the soul or elevate us to a place of higher consciousness. If you are with someone who seems to be supportive because of their financial support, this financial support is actually a way to make you weaker and more financially dependent upon the sociopath, which makes walking away from the toxic relationship even harder, which prolongs your exposure to the abuse, which causes even greater loss of self and spirit, which makes healing and recovery in the aftermath harder to attain.)

At one point inside the relationship, I wanted to die. I wished to die. I could not take the sight of what was being revealed to me. I couldn’t accept that the person I left my husband and family for was really just a leach and a fraud. I was disgusted with myself for choosing such a grotesque person over the wonderful people he had stolen from me. Death seemed like a better option than leaving this person, and the thought of wading through the shame and humiliation of my flawed choice of life partner scared me.

Somehow I made it through that cesspool. I use my experience as a message, as a gift. It happened to me. I was awakened to it, to the existence of people who feign love, concern and devotion for personal gain, money, and status. Many are not so lucky. Many never escape and become awakened. Many spend their entire lives trying to please and serve people like this who do not deserve their love, adoration, precious time, or energy and resources.

(I send those people metta/peace daily in my meditations and visions. What more can be done?)

Luckily, regardless of how long it takes to escape, everything that was stolen from us–our self-worth, self-love, self-identity, self-devotion, self-confidence–can be rebuilt and replenished. It may take longer for some of us to rebuild our financial security and/or regain relationships with family, friends and even our children, but it can be rebuilt once we discover our inner peace, freedom, and hope.

Every survivor is destined to heal, prosper, and thrive in this life. Begin today by taking inventory of your worth and encouraging another survivor to take inventory of his/hers. We truly are stronger together than divided.

Namaste!
Paula Carrasquillo, author of Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath

From Hurt to Healed – Conversations with Kim and Paula

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We hope to meet soon for a real side-by-side picture moment!!

It is with great enthusiasm to announce that I will be partnering with Kim Saeed, No Contact coach and writer of the narcissistic abuse survivor blog, Let me Reach, as we come together to launch a BlogTalk Radio show for Narcissist/Sociopath/Psychopath and Domestic abuse survivors. Our show is supported and promoted by Communities Digital News, LLC.

While we both share similar experiences as abuse survivors and have a common outlook as it relates to understanding abuse dynamics, recovery, and healing, our show serves as a symbiotic resource for survivors. Kim shares her expertise as a No Contact coach, how codependency and inner child healing are crucial to the recovery process, and her ongoing education as a spiritual healer. I offer listeners and callers my passion and experience as a published author, adult educator, certified yoga teacher, and integrative health and nutrition coach.

Topics that will be covered on our show will include: No Contact (before, during, and after), the role of nutrition and exercise in recovery, spirituality as the cornerstone of healing, the mind-body-spirit connection, FAQs, recovery from codependency, inner child healing, rewriting our narrative beliefs, and alternative modalities and therapies to healing and recovery. We will also be interviewing niche celebrities and experts, as well as holding Question & Answer sessions with listeners.

However, none of this would be possible without you, our faithful and dedicated readers and followers. We would love to get your input on what you’d like to hear covered on our show, as well as days and times that would work best for listeners who are interested in sharing survival stories and live Q&As. Please take part in our survey below:

Take Our Survey & Share Your Ideas!

Our expected launch date is December 2014/January 2015. Please check back often so you don’t miss out on the fun!

Namaste!
Paula Carrasquillo, author of Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath

Survivor story #31 – Fawn’s story: Increased sociopath awareness and education helps us all

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Fawn’s story: Increased sociopath awareness and education helps us all

“I thought it was work, stress or that my success was bothering him. I remember becoming an uglier version of myself; I had never yelled or been so angry before. He used a lot of hurtful words, speech and actions. I started to do the same, which was not my personality before him. It was a rollercoaster. The highs were so high; the lows were very low. He was constantly threatening to burn my clothes, listening to my voicemails, reading texts and cell records. He sabotaged my family vacations and any happy moment I had.” Read more.


Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Survivor Story #30 – Eva’s story: Lies, theft and extreme love of material possessions and status

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Eva’s story: Lies, theft and extreme love of material possessions and status

“After being in the new apartment for almost a year he proposed to me. The way he proposed was sick. He is from Iran and claims he came to The United States by himself when he was 17. He also stated that he had criminal charges for possession of marijuana and that he could get deported on his court date. I said that I did not know if I was ready to marry him and then he said that he could just pay someone else to marry him. I thought that it was extremely rude for him to say that, but I did not want to have to live with him getting deported just because I did not marry him.” Read more.


Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Story #29 – Dana’s story: Cognitive dissonance is a measurable sign of abuse

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Dana’s story*: Cognitive dissonance is a measurable sign of abuse

“I was in this relationship from the age of 15 to 50. So before the relationship, I would say that I was an open, enthusiastic and loving person. By the time the relationship ended, I was suffering from chronic depression and needed lots of therapy. In between, I became a loving mother and a freelance writer and newspaper reporter. I often wonder how much more I could have accomplished had I had a supportive spouse.” Read more.


Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Survivor stories 25, 26, 27 and 28: Zoe, Alice, Beverly and Christina #SeeDV #abuse

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October 25, 2014 – Zoe’s story: “The relationship absorbed me; I was hypnotised by it.”*

October 26, 2014- Alice’s story: Leave abuse; it is not worth the anguish and loss of yourself

October 27, 2014 – Beverly’s story: Lies, manipulation and emotional abuse

October 28, 2014 – Christina’s story: Building up after being broken down by abuse


Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Survivor story 24 – Yvette’s story #seeDV #DVawareness

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Yvette’s story: Regain your perspective; you did not choose the toxic relationship


Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Submit your reflections, because together we CAN change things #dvawareness #recovery

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Share your reflections and thoughts on the survivor stories I have been sharing during October.

Complete the Reflections on Survivor Stories Form now!

All 31 stories will be compiled and published as a free ebook in mid-November. The hope is to receive a funding source to make the book available in print for distribution in libraries, shelters, law offices, schools and conferences.

Thoughtful feedback and reflections will speak to interest and need and as supporting data to present to potential funding sources.

Although many of us do not need numbers and statistics to be convinced more must be done to combat the injustices of abuse and its aftermath, numbers and statistics are an unfortunate reality necessary to persuade and convince those in a position of power and influence to care.

Follow the link attached to share your reflections. If you haven’t been keeping up with the stories, a link to the story archive is provided on the submission form.

Complete the Reflections on Survivor Stories Form now!

Thank you!!
~Paula Carrasquillo

Survivor stories 18, 19 and 20 – Rachel, Sofia and Teresa #DVawareness @commdiginews

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October 18, 2014 – Rachel’s story: Betrayal, abuse at the hands of a narcissist*

October 19, 2014 – Sofia’s advice on domestic violence: “Take off the blindfold. Knowledge is power.”

October 19, 2014 – Teresa’s story: He was a sociopath, not a good guy with a few bad demons


Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Stories 16 and 17: Patricia and Quinn #survivorstories @commdiginews

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BETHESDA, Maryland, October 16, 2014 — Patricia* is a survivor of domestic violence and pathological abuse living and recovering in The United States.

Before the relationship, I was happy and full of life, looking for my one and only to share a happy life. During my relationship, I became sick and mentally ill. I had a nervous breakdown. I started blaming myself for everything and hating myself. Now that the relationship is over, I am starting to recover and heal. My therapist is saving me; that’s for sure. Read more… 


BETHESDA, Maryland, October 17, 2014 — Quinn* is a survivor of domestic violence who is now enjoying living a fulfilled life in The United States.

Unfortunately, I had several relationships that were abusive; I just did not know it and/or could not stop myself from repeating the same behavior with the same type of partners. It took many years of repeated circumstances before I was able to be strong enough to say ‘never again’. Read more… 


Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

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