“I didn’t mean to do X, Y, and Z, really,” pleads the abuser.

robert palmer - i didn't mean to turn you on

Thanks, Robert Palmer, and your entire “Addicted to Love” album. It was cool when I was a teenager, but it takes on new meaning now.

I am so tired of hearing and reading “I didn’t mean to…” Abusers love these words because even though they ragefully and with great purpose commit X, Y, and Z repeatedly, they never count on the victim finally reacting and protesting as the victim reacts and protests.

So, there is actually something missing in their statement:

“I didn’t mean to do X, Y, and Z if it meant you were going to leave me or accuse me of hurting you, really,” pleads the abuser.

Notice that the abuser never says he’s sorry for hurting you. He’s just sorry that you’re choosing to leave him or accuse him of abuse. He wishes he had done it first.

Another great example of the abuser’s twisted cognitive thinking skills. They lie by omission, in a sense. (Or do they just lie to themselves and then speak their truth? Who fucking knows.) It’s how they create their own warped reality. Are you as sick of this shit as I am?

To the abuser, I say:

“I didn’t mean to turn you on so you felt entitled to being an evil bastard toward me whenever you didn’t get your own way. I didn’t mean to turn you on, really, I didn’t.” Hehe!

Namaste!

Deconstructing ourselves in order to discover ourselves

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Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is a movie, not even CLOSE to reality: An estranged couple get their minds wiped clean of all memories of each other.

How absolutely wonderful that would be, don’t you think?! On the surface, the idea of erasing all remembrances of an intimate relationship with a narcissistic sociopath seems like a beautiful solution. But not really. After all, how would we learn from the mistakes we made with the narcissistic sociopath if we can’t remember our mistakes?

Mistakes YOU made you ask? Yes. Regardless of the ambush of abuse and his over-the-top and shitty behavior, we must be accountable for our part in the toxic relationship.

Where do you begin?

The first step is to stop asking all of the “why” questions related to HIS behavior:

Why did he do that?
Why did he say those things?
Why was he so jealous?
Why did he claim I was just like him?
Why did he belittle me and my son?
Why did he hate my sisters?
Why, why, why? And on and on.

Instead, ask yourself some “why” questions related to your own behavior:

Why didn’t I speak up for myself sooner?
Why did I let him make me so angry when he said things I knew were false?
Why did I tolerate things for as long as I did?
Why did I let his harsh and vile words hurt me?
Why didn’t I listen to family and friends?
Why was I so stubborn?

Ah-ha! See the difference this makes? All of a sudden it’s no longer about him and trying to figure him out. (You couldn’t do that INSIDE of the relationship; what makes you think you can do it OUTSIDE of the relationship, silly!?)

It’s now about YOU! All eyes are on YOU!

If you want to change your behavior, you must understand your current and past behavior first. In literature, the breaking down of characters and plot and action based on the reader’s personal understanding of the words is called deconstructionism. Through the deconstruction process, the reader gets a more meaningful understanding of all of the parts and pieces that make the story happen the way it happens. Like deconstructing a story, deconstructing your own mind, thoughts, actions, reactions, and feelings, will help you understand yourself more clearly, which can lead to healthy change and growth.

During the deconstruction process, you’ll be taken to places in your past you may not want to visit: your parent’s fights, their divorce, an argument on the playground with a childhood friend, an argument with your beloved sister. But you’ll also be taken to places that you enjoy and embrace: your first kiss, your first day of college, meeting someone special, riding a rollercoaster. With each visit to the past, you’ll ask yourself more and more questions about what you felt and why you felt that way. Amazingly, you’ll find the answers but only if you stay focused on YOU, not on other “characters” in your memory. (If there is one time in your life you need to be selfish, it’s now!)

Deconstructing yourself is intimidating but such a simple thing. You will never REALLY know why someone hurt you or treated you poorly. But you will learn why you reacted the way you did and how you can keep from reacting negatively in the future. You will also become more empowered to take action and control of your life when faced with toxic people in the future.

Taking that first step outside of your current self and asking “why” can lead you to redefining yourself and living the life you were born to live.

Peace!

Share without fear

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This blog is intended to educate, inspire, and give strength to anyone and everyone in whatever stage of abuse or healing you find yourself.

Comments that berate another person’s comments or attack the essence of this blog directly won’t be accepted.

There are too many obstacles we must overcome within our personal lives everyday. We don’t need to fear backlash and abuse here. Peace.

Beware the narcissistic sociopath disguised as your “Soul Mate”

Will You Be My Next Soul Mate?The idea of a soul mate is very romantic. To meet someone else in this world of billions who shares your same values, interests, desires, and goals is an exhilarating notion, don’t you think? It’s possible to meet someone who, at any given moment in time, is at the same place you are geographically and spiritually. But to think two people can remain on a joint wavelength over many, many years is, in my mind, a set up for failure. Yet, we continue to watch those silly movies that end in “happily ever after” and fool ourselves into thinking it’s real.

Enter the narcissistic sociopath. A master at making the magic SEEM real just long enough to send you spiraling into a fog. The following was written by Jennifer Smith, blogger at true love scam:

[The narcissist as our] “SOUL MATE” is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his ‘idealization’ of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde.

Why do they work so quickly? As noted in my previous post, narcissistic sociopaths can’t stand to be alone, and they fear being abandoned. At first, knowing this may make you want to pity such an unfortunate creature and help him change his attitude about life, love, and relationships. But don’t be fooled. The narcissist has no interest in changing. He subconsciously enjoys and feeds off of his own self-destructive nature.

On the surface, it doesn’t seem like that is possible. But once you start learning about his past relationships and how he coped by blaming “them” and not himself, you start to wonder. How could such a romantic and loving guy always end up losing the girl? Or falling out of love with her?

I have come to understand the following: the narcissist simply enjoys being in the throes of the newness of love. The newness of first meeting and the ego boost/narcissistic supply is intoxicating to him; and he blossoms at this stage (like we all do, right?) But the narcissist takes this stage to the extreme and foolishly believes and expects it to last for eternity. He creates and shares romantic visions of the future. He talks about growing old together. He puts his love interest on a pedestal. She is the most beautiful, the smartest, the best mother, the most ambitious. He never wants to leave her side or spend a night without her. And he says these things to her repeatedly, like a mantra or a prayer, that is meant to hypnotize her into full and complete submission. This is when he plants his seeds of control and domination, the foundation for future abuse.

The woman inhales and ingests his words. The words make her think he is a man who has spent his entire life looking for the perfect woman and has FINALLY found her. She is “The One.” She feels special. She feels unique. But little does she know that his words to her are the exact same words he used with every single woman who came before her. He used them on his first wife. He used them on his fiancée that he proposed to just days after he kicked his wife out of his house. He used them on the new woman he proposed to after he kicked his fiancée out of his house. And so on. There is NOTHING unique or exceptional about her, about YOU! The only thing unique and exceptional about you is that you came AFTER them. You are next in line. The narcissist never learned from his previous relationships. He may tell you he has and that he never makes the same mistake twice. That just means he never makes the same mistake twice with the same person. There’s a difference.

You are fresh and pure and filled with naiveté and ignorance about what is inevitably going to sneak up on you and slap you in the face. You are not his soul mate; you are not the one. You are his “right now” that he hopes he can control. The ones who came before you were crazy because they were out of his control. They weren’t “out of control” just out of HIS control. And to him that equals crazy. If you know who you are and like yourself, you’ll be the next one who becomes out of control. The next one he calls crazy. Just wait and see.

If the narcissistic sociopath’s idea of a soul mate is wrong, then what IS a Soul Mate?

  • A soul mate is a person who wants to be your best friend as much as he wants to be your lover.
  • A soul mate praises you when you need praise. A soul mate never tries to diminish your successes.
  • A soul mate doesn’t expect or even desire perfection. A soul mate accepts you as you are but encourages you if you seek to better yourself. A soul mate never says your efforts will be in vain.
  • A soul mate nurtures you when you need nurtured. A soul mate can sense when you are feeling weak and tries to lift you up. A soul mate doesn’t use your moment of weakness to bring you down further.
  • A soul mate never blames you for anything; instead, a soul mate helps you come up with a solution.
  • A soul mate allows you to blossom and pursue all of your interests even if it means making new friends and being separated for a little while. A soul mate never feels jealous of others you share a bond.
  • A soul mate respects your mind and respects your family and respects your past mistakes and past successes. A soul mate never belittles or shames you.
  • A soul mate sets you free and never tries to control who you talk to, where you shop, what you buy, when you buy it, how you dress, how you walk, how you love your children, or ANY action that makes you the person you were born to be.

A soul mate exists for each of us but it takes work, dedication, care, and lots and lots of patience and love for a “happily ever after.”

We create the magic in our own lives. It doesn’t just happen. Don’t be fooled by those pushy narcissists who have no idea how to love themselves let alone love another. Peace.

A splash of something new and refreshing

A splash of something new and refreshingI’ve been feeling much happier and more alive than my blog banner was suggesting. Last night I changed the pensive and dark banner picture along with the ominous, blood-red color palette to an uplifting blue theme.

Blue makes me think of the sky and the ocean, stuff in our world that are vast and forever-moving, forever-existing, and forever-changing. And the dandelion is just for fun, so you can make a wish every time you visit.

Here’s to all of your wishes coming true and to becoming more active in your own life choices and dreams!

Namaste!

Why I blog and “The Addictive Blog Award”

addictive-blogAddictions can be bad. But if you’re addicted to reading my blog, that has to be good, right?!?

I was honored with this award by www.SexinMiami.wordpress.com, a blog that I am addicted to and have been ever since the first post I read six months ago. You can read more about why she blogs here.

Award Rules:

  1. Thank the person awarding you.
  2. Share a little about why you blog and how the journey started.
  3. Paste the blog award on your page.
  4. Nominate 10 other bloggers you feel deserve the award.

Why I Blog:
I started blogging in 2005, just after I discovered I was pregnant with my son. We were living in Colorado, but our family was back east in Florida, Maryland, New York, Pennsylvania, and Virginia. It wasn’t easy to travel and share the joy we were experiencing as expecting new parents, so I started my blog (originally on Blogger. The horror! Hehehe!)

My family enjoyed the images and my postings, but they never commented. (As a blogger, comments and “likes” boost me. They’re important to my writing energy.) So, without these seemingly little (but HUGE in my mind) things, I felt like I was doing a whole lot of writing for nothing. My posts became fewer and fewer, and my motivation had deflated completely by 2008.

Unfortunate events, twists and turns of life, and basic desperation to be heard and understood provided me the necessary motivation to begin blogging again in January 2012. I was full-steam ahead but blinded by so much I had been holding inside and couldn’t decide where to focus. I wrote about yoga and abuse and sociopaths and alcoholism. People and bloggers quickly started following me and commenting and kept me REALLY motivated. I was connecting with others who had experienced similar pain, frustrations, and road blocks in life; and they “got me!” It was empowering and overwhelming.

Fast forward six months. Today. If not for this outlet, I wouldn’t have been able to unburden my mind of so much pain and discomfort. I never would have been able to find the passion and courage to write and publish my book “Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath” or apply for consideration to become a staff writer with The Washington Times Communities.

My blogging experience has blessed me with life-changing energy and a desire to be a better person. As noted in the About section of this blog, my life is definitely not rainbows and butterflies, but I have learned through writing and sharing that I am not alone in my struggles to find and maintain my happiness. I’ve also learned that it’s okay to fall down as long as I am willing to ask for help getting back up. There’s nothing more powerful than community, and the blogging community has helped lift me higher than I ever thought possible. Thank you, readers and followers. Namaste!

I’m Addicted to these Blogs:

http://katybrandes.wordpress.com/

http://mysociopath.net/

http://itsallaboutmenow2012.wordpress.com/

http://ruthsippelpace.wordpress.com/

http://justiceforraymond.wordpress.com/

http://iwonttakeit.wordpress.com/

http://buckwheatsrisk.com/

http://blametheamygdala.wordpress.com/

http://kimberlyharding.wordpress.com/

http://ladywithatruck.wordpress.com/

The Times is calling!

The Washington Times CommunitiesBringing awareness to issues historically overlooked or misunderstood is an ongoing, roadblock-filled journey. As a blogger and author, I understand the limitations of outreach and realize not everyone is going to “get it” upon first read or even multiple reads. Heck, some of us didn’t “get it” even after being literally punched in the face with the facts! The only thing I can do and will do is continue to write, share, research and share some more.

Last week I was notified that I have been selected as a new column writer/content contributor for The Washington Times online Communities. I feel it’s a definite step toward reaching an even greater audience and spreading awareness of domestic violence/intimate partner abuse and how personality disorders (and sociopaths) are at the root of much of the abuse inflicted upon the victims. I also intend to share even more healing approaches I have used and others have shared in our blogs, comments, and stories. This column will be an opportunity to share OUR stories and OUR blogs and put an even greater dent into an otherwise ignored, destructive and emotionally debilitating personal and social issue.

If you are unfamiliar with The Washington Times Communities, check it out! My profile has not been added, yet, but I will let everyone know as soon as it is. I will be provided with a snazzy and official-looking badge to add to my blog, which should help increase my credibility and the credibility of all the blogs I reference and sources I quote and share.

My column will be included in the Health & Science category with the title Living Inside Out Loud and the tagline “Connecting to our emotional, physical, and mental health one story at a time.”

The following is the proposed description I sent to my editor today for review (it’s surreal to think I have a real editor to work with, someone who will help me to improve my writing and research abilities so even more people might “get it!”):

“Ms. Carrasquillo is passionate about sharing her experiences and learning from others. Through her writing, Ms. Carrasquillo attempts to make the connection between our health (mind and body) and our everyday lives and choices. She infuses yoga, meditation, and mindfulness into her work and hopes her stories and articles spark reader interest and curiosity to study and research beyond what her column can provide. She believes learning begins from within and that knowledge should be shared out loud.”

Thanks to all of my blog followers, book reviewers, and comment providers for making this possible. I am sure these were all factors that the editors considered as they deliberated and made their final decision to invite me to write for them.

Namaste!

Keep your heart out of his jar…forever!

Heart outside of his jar - Keep it there!If you succeed or have succeeded in ending your relationship with a narcissist, a sociopath, or anyone with an affliction associated with any Cluster B disorder (antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorders, and histrionic personality disorder), there WILL be a time in either the near or distant future that the nutcase will contact you in an attempt to lure you back into his lair.

The sociopath will choose a time in his life that he needs you the most. He might be alone, engaged to someone who is simply driving him crazy, married to a nag, or dealing with a pregnant wife who just won’t put out or give him any attention. Whatever his situation, he’s suffering because the woman in his life doesn’t love him the way he NEEDS to be loved. He’ll be sitting around one day and suddenly you’ll come to mind, and he’ll think:

“Paula. Yeah, Paula. She was easy to manipulate and control; she’ll enjoy some of my flattery and give me some, too, I’m sure. Getting my fix [his narcissistic supply] from a few e-mails or phone calls would really boost me right now.”

And off goes the narcissist to call, write or text Paula with lies, lies, lies about how he’s being mistreated and misunderstood.

He’ll be expecting Paula to soothe his ego and take pity on him immediately. He’ll expert her to say, “You poor thing. You deserve better. You poor, poor, thing.” But he doesn’t realize that Paula has learned her lesson (FINALLY!) and can now recognize the tricks of sociopathic pricks like him even from a distance of several light years.

So, instead of having pity and replying to him with soothing words often reserved for children, she won’t respond at all. She won’t even send him a “Screw off!” note. Instead, she’ll ignore him because that’s the best way to defeat these predators. Ignore them and act like they aren’t even human, because, with all sincerity, they aren’t human like the rest of us.

These song lyrics below (and video here) may help some of you who are on the fence about finally deleting, blocking, or changing your email and phone number, so you don’t have to read his words or hear his disgusting voice again…

“Jar Of Hearts”

No, I can’t take one more step towards you
‘Cause all that’s waiting is regret
Don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

[Chorus:]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms
And I’ve learned to live half-alive
And now you want me one more time

[Chorus:]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Dear, It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
‘Cause you broke all your promises
And now you’re back
You don’t get to get me back

[Chorus: x2]
And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul

Don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

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