Regaining Your Intuition After Sociopath Abuse

20140623-111812.jpgThe sociopath’s goal is to isolate us in two ways: 1.) physically from our support system and 2.) spiritually from our moral code and beliefs.

We can look back and easily recognize how the sociopath physically isolated us. It’s not as easy to understand how we became so detached from our moral code.

Our moral code speaks directly to our intuition. They work in tandem. We establish our truths based on our moral code. Our intuition is designed to apply our inner, moral code to the outside world…to people and situations.

Our Intuition is the gut feeling we get about someone or some situation. One of the reasons we became detached from our moral code which led to getting lost in cognitive dissonance and the sociopath abuse is that we didn’t trust our gut…our intuition.

We told our gut that it was being unfair and unreasonable and too judgmental. We interpreted our inner voice, our intuition, as a negative judge of that person before us–the abuser, the sociopath, the psychopath…whatever term that suits. We denied our intuition and said, “No way, gut, I refuse to believe that any person could possibly be out to hurt and harm me. That’s ludicrous!”

We were wrong about our intuition, weren’t we? And because we were so wrong about our intuition, our moral code became ineffective. We now see that our moral code and intuition were only trying to warn us that not every person is motivated to act from a place of good intentions and love.

We essentially kicked over the red flags and killed our intuition by denying its worth.

Part of healing is to revive our moral code and intuition and nurture this amazing, inner team back to its brilliant self. We must get in touch with who we are, what makes us each individual and unique, and what also makes us compatible with others and allows us to be a part of a union, part of a community.

Even outside of the relationship, we remained isolated and distant from the very people who could guide us back to our spiritual and moral core. We told ourselves, “They will never understand. I can’t possibly get them to understand.”

And, in the beginning, we can’t explain it because we are deep in cognitive dissonance and detached from our core beliefs and spirituality.

That spiritual and moral core rests inside our intuition. So we must learn to have faith in that very thing we rejected. It was through that rejection that we left the door open to the abuse and manipulations in the first place.

How do you get back to that place of trusting your gut?

The first step is to forgive yourself for ignoring your gut. Then praise your gut for being so smart and apologize to your gut for being stubborn.

“I was really stupid to ignore you, Intuition. I vow to listen to you in the future. You’re so damn smart!”

The next step is to recognize what your gut tells you about people and situations moving forward.

In the beginning, you’re going to strike out more than you’ll hit home runs. Your gut is rusty! So, at first, you might pick the wrong people to trust or the wrong group to join or the wrong job to replace the one you lost.

It’s okay. It takes a while to polish and work our those kinks.

Resist the urge to judge yourself too harshly. The only thing self-judgment results in is self-defeat. You don’t want that.

So keep telling yourself it’s okay to get things wrong at first. Let go of perfect. Let go of the need for instant results. Rest. Be good to yourself. Eat well. Live well. Laugh at yourself.

Laugh a lot at your old self. She/he was a real riot, don’t you think?

Namaste!
~Paula

The sociopath is the epitome of the village idiot

Sociopaths lack self-identity, which is why we will always outshine them, and they will forever remain delusional.

Sociopaths spend so much time mirroring victims in order to gain friendships [term used loosely], business associates, and intimate partners that they have zero sense of self.

Can you detect the REAL person in the following?

Two years ago, the sociopath suddenly declared he was an expert on architecture to be with HER. Then, a few months later, the sociopath declared architecture sucked and claimed he loved living in tents in order to be with a different HER. Just a little more than a year later, the sociopath faked being interested in saving stray animals to impress and be with a new HER. And today, after years of claiming America sucks, the sociopath is now wearing the mask of a flag-waving, pro-military, patriot out to fool a new HER along with HER community of friends.

With all of these growing and ever-changing interests depending on the person, group, or community the sociopath covets in the moment, one would think the sociopath was a regular renaissance man, huh? A genius! A brilliant intellect!

But nothing could be further from the truth, because feigning interest and talking shit about shit does not a genius make.

A genius is a person who knows who he is, why he is that way, and how to take what he is to become a more aware version of himself…and then freely share his knowledge and learnings with the rest of the world.

Nope. That is not a sociopath. Whatever the opposite of genius is, is what the sociopath is.

Could that be the village idiot? I think so.

As a result of having zero sense of self, sociopaths are not capable of introspection, because one must have a fundamental understanding and awareness of who they are before being able to go deeper to discover “why” they are who they are.

Furthermore, if one can’t answer the “why” of who they are, one certainly can’t begin to fathom the idea of changing, growing, and transforming.

And I don’t mean material change and transformation like getting a raise, having a baby, losing weight, building muscle, getting a haircut, or dressing in the newest fad. That’s not change. That’s more mask building and maintenance.

I mean real core changes, like believing in something you never believed in before…like God or fairies or spirits or energy…things not tangible or easily proven. I mean being so completely aware of oneself and one’s abilities that intuition and creativity alone could guide you to peace and happiness.

But we aren’t here to discuss ourselves at the moment. We are discussing the village idiot. So let’s get back to him, shall we?

It’s rather sad if we let ourselves think too much about the sociopath’s true nature and his lack of identity and self-awareness. It’s really very sad to me.

And because the sociopath lacks self-awareness and an ability to be introspective, the sociopath avoids, at all cost, any situation that could force him to reveal to the rest of us his lack of self-awareness.

(How tasteless THAT would be…to be humble and admit to being the village idiot. The sociopath can’t do that to himself, can he? Pfft!)

And it’s because of this fear, this fear of being discovered for the fool he really is that the sociopath perpetually projects, blames, and shames everyone in the room except himself.

And the sociopath keeps getting away with it because the rest of us are just too nice!

Instead of asking the sociopath directly why he/she is such an asshole for projecting all the blame on us, we think we’re the assholes who provoked the sociopath to talk to us and treat us THAT way in the first place.

So we spend all of our time in introspection attempting to determine why we were so cruel to push someone to the point of being nasty to us, which, we think, will explain and help justify why a person who claims to be our best bud or soul mate would blame and shame us for everything.

And as long as we remain falsely focused on ourselves and unable to answer those questions with certainty, the sociopath is free to remain shallow, materialistic and in complete control.

(Crazy and ironic cycle, huh!?)

But there is an amazing pay off, because the amount of time we spend in introspection asking ourselves all the hard questions about our actions and motives is equal to the amount of time the sociopath spends being a shallow, empty, insecure, delusional fool who tricks himself into thinking he’s superior.

WE change and grow and the sociopath remains a fool.

Hmmmm? This explains why, once we realize the sociopath is a sociopath and begin asking the sociopath direct questions, the sociopath suddenly rages or retreats and finally shuts his pie hole for change.

We could ask something very simple like, “Why do you always disagree with him knowing it hurts his feelings as your friend?”

Or

“Why would you say that about my sister? You only met her once. And please don’t even talk about my son’s father like that. You’ve never even met him.”

Or

“Why do you feel the need to text me repeatedly throughout the day? You know I’m working. It makes no sense.”

These questions elicit lots of rage or lots of silence, because extremes are what the sociopath knows, and extremes are very effective at keeping us confused and wondering.

But there is really NOTHING to wonder about when it comes to dealing with a sociopath. The answer to all of the questions we ask are always the same. And that answer is:

“Because I don’t care.”

BINGO!! The sociopath hurts, harms, storms through life doing as he damn well pleases because the sociopath doesn’t give a shit. Not about you or her or me or being patriotic or saving animals or reading that book or believing in that cause.

Above all, the sociopath doesn’t even care about himself or about knowing who he is inside.

But the sociopath will never admit to this. NEVER! Instead, the sociopath will continue prancing around like a delusional jackass who thinks he’s superior and deserving of everything that is given to him.

But one day what is handed to the sociopath will smell like a steaming pile of stinky Karma. There is no doubt about that…at least no doubt in my mind. And that day is fast-approaching. 🙂

Namaste!
~Paula

The sociopath thinks you suck? Good! Throw a party!

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Why are you so concerned about what the sociopath thinks of you?

Why does it matter to you, knowing what you know about sociopaths, if the sociopath likes you or not?

Personally, I would like for all sociopaths to meet me and instantly get repulsed.

Why?

If they liked me, I’d be open to becoming a potential victim.

But I’m not going to go out of my way to be unlikable just in case a sociopath crosses my path.

However, I will use my boundaries and practice saying “no” in all situations and all relationships.

Why?

Saying “no” is relatively harmless. Normal, non-sociopathic people might initially respond to your “no” with a grimace or two, but they’ll get over it and respect you in the end.

However, the least pleasant word to hit a sociopath’s ears is the word “no.” It’s the biggest red flag while the sociopath is assessing potential victims. The sociopath hears that word and immediately thinks, “What a piece of shit she is to say “no” to me! I’ll show her. I’m not going to be her friend.”

(Thank you, God!!)

Do you see how we can dodge these bullets, completely unaware, just by being true to ourselves, our interests, and our desires?

Putting yourself first by using your boundaries isn’t a selfish act; it’s a self-preserving and protective act.

So even though you let the sociopath from your past (and possibly still your present) walk all over your boundaries, you have the opportunity to build up and maintain those once crushed boundaries.

Start today. Start saying “no” when you really want to say “no.”

You want the sociopath to continue to think you suck. Really…You do.

Besides, once a sociopath thinks you suck, you’ll always suck in the eyes of a sociopath.

Even if you become Miss America, the next governor of your state, or a New York Times best selling author, the sociopath will STILL continue to smear you among his/her minions and all of the people once mutual in your inner circle while in the toxic relationship.

Don’t let the sociopath’s nonsense and refusal to evolve his/her mind stop you from finding and reaching your potential. Who cares what the sociopath thinks, right?

Be proud of your breakthroughs and accomplishments out of love and respect for yourself. You will never be able to change the sociopath’s ugly and dismissive opinion of you.

Keep saying “no” to the sociopath but “yes” to your own needs and dreams and wishes and goals!!

Namaste!
~Paula

Seeing “Stars” and Meeting Star Friends

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For many reasons, my recent adventures in Hollywood were no less than spectacular. I spent part of my trip walking along the Hollywood Walk of Fame (where I took about 100 pictures of the “stars”), but nothing compared to meeting and taking pictures with two of my wonderful blogging friends who are more star-worthy to me than any actual star!

I have much to share about this adventure over the next few posts but wanted to start off by telling and showing you who I got to meet.

Can you guess the names/blog names of these two beautiful bloggers above?

I’ll give you a few hints:

1. They’re both vegans.
2. They both live in California.
3. They both have a passion for saving/rescuing strays (and I’m not talking about sociopaths. They’re over trying to save THAT kind of stray.)

Give up?

Top: Lynna, yogi, teacher, writer and creator of My Sociopath: Struck by a Sociopath

Bottom: Ivonne, clown, poet, writer and creator at Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate…Ivonne’s Journey

As I flew home this morning thinking about the enormity of meeting these amazing women, I thought about a song I first fell in love with when I was 12 at summer camp.

The lyrics say it all:

“You’ve Got a Friend”

When you’re down and troubled and you need a helping hand
and nothing, whoa, nothing is going right.

Close your eyes and think of me and soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am
I’ll come running to see you again.

Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call and I’ll be there, yeah, yeah,
you’ve got a friend.

If the sky above you should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow,
keep your head together and call my name out loud.

Soon I will be knocking upon your door.

You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am
I’ll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call and I’ll be there.

Hey, ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend? People can be so cold.
They’ll hurt you and desert you. Well, they’ll take your soul if you let them,
oh yeah, but don’t you let them.

You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am
I’ll come running to see you again.

Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call, Lord, I’ll be there, yeah, yeah,
you’ve got a friend. You’ve got a friend.

Ain’t it good to know you’ve got a friend. Ain’t it good to know you’ve got a friend.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you’ve got a friend.

(Song Lyrics: You’ve Got a Friend
by Carole King
as performed by James Taylor
Copyright © 1971 by Colgems EMI Music (ASCAP). All Rights Reserved.)

Feigning care: The Sociopath’s dirtiest trick

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I think the worst thing a person can do is pretend to care about us just to learn our secrets.

Sociopaths are masters at feigning concern.

They see us cry or become upset or emotionally withdrawn and desperately ask, “What’s wrong? You can tell me.”

And because we’re trusting and would never pretend to care about someone we recognize is hurting, we assume the sociopath before us (not realizing he/she is a sociopath) shares our same values and ethics. We open up and spill our guts never suspecting we’re sharing our soul with evil.

The sociopath only asks because knowing our pain makes him/her feel more superior. Knowing our weaknesses empowers the sociopath’s delusions further.

How? Why?

Well, a sociopath is unable to be introspective and recognize his/her own foibles as weaknesses. So when we open up about our weaknesses, the sociopath’s ego inflates. When the sociopath says, “Tell me more,” the sociopath is really saying, “Tell me more, so I can feel even more superior about myself.”

To a sociopath, being human is viewed as tasteless and messy. Of course, a sociopath would never admit to this because a sociopath thinks he/she is a superhuman and above even commenting on the state of the rest of us lowly beings.

(It makes me laugh thinking how stupid these fools really are about love and life. I think I laugh, because I’m deplete of tears crying over them.)

The sociopath’s fake concern is despicable and can cause many of us who have fallen prey to their fake concern to fear sharing or speaking out in the future.

I know I am guilty of bottling up my sorrows for fear I would be judged as the sociopath judged me. It took a great leap of faith to finally say, “No more!” to being silent.

But the fear never goes away. The fear of being misunderstood or appearing “less than” creeps in regardless of all the work we do to build our confidence and self-esteem.

The reality is that we are all subject to judgement and rejection every time we open our mouths and talk to other human beings.

Luckily, the percentage of caring people greatly out numbers the percentage of jerks in this world. So speaking and sharing is a chance I am willing to take, regardless of the fact that the personal demons and secrets I’ve shared in recent years have been used against me many times and not just by the boy in my story.

I’ve trusted too soon and/or trusted the wrong people.

It happens.

But those who prove they really care always offer advice, support and guidance. They never just sit their basking in the delight of knowing my private thoughts and biggest fears. And people who really care don’t judge me or try telling me I’m a sinner and should have done X, Y and Z instead. And they don’t run off and tell everybody what I shared in private.

Take inventory of the folks in your life who you’ve learned to trust or not to trust. Don’t continue to share with those who have clearly betrayed your trust. But never forget those who clearly respect your struggles and always seem to be there ready to listen.

When meeting new people, keep the conversation light and don’t share too much too soon. Your gut will help guide you. Just listen to it.

And never be like the sociopath and pretend you care about the sociopath’s struggles when you really don’t. We don’t have to care about what the sociopath does or becomes just because we think caring will make us better people. It’s probably better that we don’t care, keeping THAT door to hell closed forever! 🙂

Namaste!
~Paula

(Image source: http://imgfave.com/view/3642089)

What I Learned from Living Through Hell – The Narcissist Slayer Award and Nominees

Narcissist Slayer Award - Paula's PontificationsI’m a Narcissist Slayer. Narc Slayer for short. I know several other Narc Slayers. I bet you do, too.

Roughly two (2) years ago when I started actively writing on this blog about my experience with the boy in my story, I never imagined that one day I would be awarded with a Narc Slayer Award. But that day has arrived, and I couldn’t be more thrilled.

Kim, the very talented and insightful blogger over at Let me Reach with Kim Saeed, presented me (along with ten (10) other bloggers/Narc Slayers) with this honor on December 13. Thank you, Kim!

Check out her full post and the others she awarded.

Like all blog awards, I have a responsibility as a recipient. I must:

1. Thank the person who nominated me and link back to them. CHECK!

2. Place the award logo on my blog. CHECK!

3. Write a blog post and nominate other blogs for the award – there is no minimum or maximum number of blogs required to nominate. CHECK!

>> Deliberate Donkey

>> My Abandoned Self ©

>> Madeline Scribes

4. Inform my nominees on their site that I have chosen them for the honor. CHECK!

5. Share one positive thing I took away from my relationship with the Narcissist.

Well, crap! I can do 1 – 4 with relative ease. But #5 stings my eyes just reading the words. Something positive? Other than the fact that going through hell has given me a greater appreciation for all of the beautiful people and encounters I experience on a daily basis, the positives are best described as things I have learned as a result of the toxic relationship:

I learned how NOT to live and navigate this world.

I learned that I may make mistakes, but those mistakes do not have to define who I am forever and eternity. I’m allowed to change and be better without constant and repeated shaming.

I learned that love has always been abundantly present in my life. I was just too stupid and blind to recognize and appreciate it. (I love you, George!)

I learned that loving with my whole heart is possible and even more fullfilling when I am with those who also love with their whole hearts.

I learned that change is possible, real change, as long as I remember that falling down doesn’t mean something’s over; it means I get a chance to try again with greater insight and understanding.

I learned that love truly is patient and kind; but in order to receive it, I must really love and value myself first.

I learned that regardless of how alone and powerless I feel when it comes to any and all challenges life throws my way, there is someone, many someones, out here who feel as I feel and desperately do not want to feel alone either.

I learned that there is strength in numbers and anything is possible if I simply have faith…faith in myself…faith in my family…faith in my friends…faith in God.

I learned that I do believe in something greater than myself and that something is with me every day as long as I never stop believing.

I learned that judgment truly is the root of evil, and that judgment of others begins when we judge ourselves. I’m finding peace in just being and not judging.

I learned that stating facts and responses to how I was treated are not judgments and that silence only encourages evil and abuse to perpetuate, grow and fester.

I learned that injustices eventually “get served” and that good truly does triumph over evil. However, unlike the drama-fueled victories depicted in movies, real-world victories are far more subtle and happen unexpectedly. There’s no applause or obnoxious cheering, but there are many silent smiles and feelings of validation and accomplishment.

Above all, I learned that patience is my best friend. (I wish I had met her sooner!)

Namaste!
~Paula

© 2014 Paula Carrasquillo and Paula’s Pontifications

letter to a sociopath who thinks he's god

A Letter to the Sociopath So He Can FINALLY Stop Worrying About Me

letter to a sociopath who thinks he's godDear Sociopath,

I feel so silly writing this. Why? Well, I know how much you always worried about me, and no matter how much I told you it was unnecessary to worry, you still worried. So even after you read this letter, you’ll probably continue to have those same worries, but I hope not. What kind of life is it to worry about little old me who isn’t even in your life anymore? I hope this letter, filled with details of my recent happiness, helps to ease your worries.

So here goes:

Remember that love story you kept begging me to write when we were together? Well, I wrote it!! And can you believe I am nearly finished a much longer follow-up book? My second book should be even more enlightening for those who found my first book so helpful. I know you’d be proud of me. After all, you always said I had a lovely way with words and shouldn’t waste my talents and skills. You were even able to talk me into deleting that silly family-related blog I started when my son was first born, explaining to me that I should focus on something more practical and worthy of my talents. Well, guess what? I did that too! Isn’t this a great blog? I even came up with a catchy name for it, too: Paula’s Pontifications. Pretty cool, huh? I thought you’d be impressed.

I’m sure you could never forget my son. You know my son, the gorgeous and lovable little 5-year-old boy you so generously allowed to play with your dog. (That was incredibly selfless of you, by the way, to let my child play with your delicate dog.) Regardless, he is doing incredible! He loves yoga and karate and wants to be a soccer star when he gets older. All those fears you had about me raising him wrong and your worries that I was jeopardizing his well-being, well, you can now rest assured that he’s safe and well-protected. He starts 3rd grade in a few weeks, and although he is the youngest in his class, he keeps up easily, even though he hates writing, but I guess we all can’t be perfect. Thanks for caring so much. Oh, and don’t worry about him being sad because he is missing you. He doesn’t even remember you.  Isn’t that great? No worries there, either. No loss of sleep for my little boy. Kids are so resilient, huh?

Best of all, I never had to sell my car or file for bankruptcy! I know how very concerned you were about me losing everything when I left you. After a few career bumps and obstacles, I was able to land an even better-paying job than I had before. Plus, with my increased writing and editing experience, I get an occasional freelance job. I think I am pretty close to making double what you were making. Isn’t that awesome? If you were still with me you could have definitely become that house boy you always dreamed of becoming. The chances of me ever becoming pathetic and dependent have narrowed considerably! Again, you can let go of all those worries and fears you had about me sabotaging my career. With over 100,000 words published online, I’m sure my marketability will continue to grow. I’ve truly been blessed in many ways over the last 30 months. Thank you so much for worrying that I would fail. You can stop now, because I didn’t fail. Instead, you can celebrate and have a maté for me!!

Oh, and your biggest fear about me self-destructing? You can finally let it go!!  I was able to quit drinking! Remember all those AA meetings you found and wanted me to attend because the ones I was attending were too far away from your house and you felt they took away too much of our time together? Well, I beat my alcohol dependency without AA meetings. I took what I needed from those meetings and worked with my husband who was more than willing to sacrifice some of his days and nights to hold my hand and pick me up when I fell down, real and figuratively. And since I no longer need alcohol to get through my days, I even kicked my depression and am no longer on any type of mood-altering medications!! I know how much you hated that I took medicine. Well, no need to worry about it anymore. I am whole again and better than before.

And remember all those times you tried to get me started with a workout routine? Well, I have one now! I don’t know what got into me, but one day I just went to a yoga studio and haven’t looked back! Maybe it has something to do with doing it on “my” time and not “our” time. It would have been impossible for my husband and me to have scheduled matching workout routines. After all, who would take care of our son if we were both at the gym at the same time? (Flexibility, collaboration and partnership…in case you need to know for the future. You’re welcome!) But anyhow–back to yoga. It has changed my life!! My entire body and mind and spirit have been transformed! I don’t even recognize myself some days. I know you tried to push me when we were together. Sorry our workouts didn’t work out. (I’m so funny now, huh? I even got my humor back!) But be happy for me now. I found something I love, and I begin yoga teacher training next month. My goal is to one day teach yoga to trauma victims, specifically I want to help women who survived and escaped abusive relationships, relationships that compromised their physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. We all deserve to be whole again.

I’m sure you’re dying to let me know how proud you are of me, huh? No worries there. My husband, my son, my sisters, my parents and the wonderful and amazing new friends I have made are repeatedly telling me how proud they are of me.  Don’t worry, I am 100% appreciated, just what you always hoped for me.

So that’s my happiness in a nutshell. I hope you finally found what you’ve been looking for, too. Oh, but you already told me that you had found what you were looking for. I hope that’s still working out for you. I know how much it sucks to lose people you once loved.

Namaste!
Paula (a.k.a. Pumpkin. You might remember me by that name.)

(image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/33284484715793320/)

“The sociopath ADORED me so much at first!! What happened?”

adoreNarcissistic Sociopaths need constant adoration. The sociopath primes you from the very beginning to provide them with constant adoration by adoring you first.

In the beginning during the idolization phase, everything you do and say is described by the sociopath as “amazing” and “genius” and “fantabulous!” He adores you and can’t imagine spending a night without you. You are the most beautiful woman he has every looked upon, touched and kissed. You don’t have sex; you make LOVE!! He can’t believe the time he wasted living without you. You’re a goddess.

Why does he say these things? Because you are all of those things, especially in the eyes of the sociopath who is just a dull blob of flesh next to your gloriousness. He sees it; he knows he pales in comparison. He tells you, because it’s the truth.

But you’re now scratching your head. You were under the impression sociopaths lie all the time. Well, they do lie all the time…about themselves and their feelings and their motives.

Luckily for us, sociopaths can’t create their own worlds without some truths. Unfortunately, the truths they use come from us. With our truth as the foundation of the relationship, the manipulation and mind games can begin.

(Remember, they NEED us; we do not need them.)

The sociopath doesn’t tell you these truths with the end goal to make you happy and fulfilled. He does it to make himself happy and fulfilled, because we reward him for rewarding us with such high praises.

It’s our natural default: when someone is nice to us, we’re nice in return.

Think about it—when was the last time you told someone to screw off when they complimented your appearance or your job performance? More than likely, you said “Thank you” and provided them with a reciprocal compliment either on-the-spot or later when appropriate.

We remember niceties of people, because it feels good. And we always return the niceties, because we want others to feel good, too. We don’t do it to receive more niceties in return, which is what sets us apart from the sociopath. The sociopath gives compliments with the great expectation of receiving compliments in return, a purely selfish and malignant mindset.

A great way to test what I propose is to think back (or in the present if you’re still engaged with a sociopath) to the last time you failed to return a compliment or even slightly criticized the sociopath.

How did he react? Probably with something like this:

“How can you be so cruel?! How could you say such means things to me when all I do is love you so much?” (And all you said was that you were tired of his choice of restaurants and you wanted to try something new.)

Regardless of the context of the present conversation or situation, the sociopath told you last week how beautiful you looked in that dress you wore to work, and you better not disagree or misbehave. If you fail to comply or insist on arguing, you are a selfish and heartless whore!

(Oy vey! Holy hell! Squat on the Buddha!)

And the hate-filled rages only get worse the longer you hang around. The first few times you might feel guilty that he got so hurt by a simple comment you made. You try rephrasing and even prefacing your comments with, “I don’t think you’re 100% wrong, and I don’t dislike it completely but…”

(This is called walking on eggshells. Dammit! You should be able to have an opinion about something and feel safe expressing that opinion without feeling like you’ll be instantly attacked and diminished.)

Sociopaths think the kind of love and praise they give to you is carte blanche for them to behave in any way they wish to behave. They keep a running tally of all of the things they did for you “out of the goodness of their hearts.” Since they tell you they love you and think you’re perfect, they expect you to be okay with anything and everything they ask of you.

It’s as if we’re just stupid and lost puppies stumbling around waiting for praise and food all of the time. As if we completely depend on the sociopath for all of our needs. As if all we live for is to kiss his ass and give him some ass. As if we need him in order for our lives to run smoothly and without interference, like a finely-tuned Swiss watch.

(And that’s exactly how the sociopath wants us to be. Completely dependent. But that’s simply delusional!)

And once we start displaying any kind of disobedient behavior, like expressing ourselves, the praise and adoration stops. We’re put in the proverbial doghouse indefinitely. The sociopath withholds those praises like a dog owner withholds biscuits and treats until the dog “learns” to behave better (a.k.a. listens and obeys its master.)

I have a mind. You have a mind. Our minds are our masters, not the sociopath or any other human on the planet.

The sociopath entertains himself daily performing in his one-man show. We’re just his props; he honestly believes that he is the only one that matters.To the sociopath, we are nothing unless we comply. We’re “dead to him” if we continue to “selfishly” insist on using our minds willfully and outside of his little world.

Can you imagine a cluster of these fools in the same room together? We should organize a fake event and send them all an invitation. Let them be our puppets while we sit back and take pictures and video. What do you think would happen? (Bahaha! I know. Wishful thinking, huh?)

Namaste!
~ Paula

(Image source: http://pinterest.com/pin/79024168432465186/)

lessons of past, PTSD, recovery, psychopath, sociopath, awareness, dating a sociopath, divorcing a narcissist, Paula Carrasquillo, Paula Renee Carrasquillo, Paula Reeves-Carrasquillo

We’re to Blame for the Misuse of the Terms “Sociopath” and “Psychopath”

lessons of pastYesterday’s HuffPost Live broadcast, originally titled Learning to Love the Sociopath but later retitled Sociopaths: They’re not all Evil, awakened something in me.

And I’m a bit pissed it took so long.

Admittedly, for the past year or more, I have been living in a very sociopath-centric place. Everything I write, read and share has been in hopes of bringing awareness and education to myself and everyone else who has or thinks they have been in a toxic relationship with a sociopath/psychopath. To understand “what struck us” has been a priority. The other priority has been to heal and recover from the side effects of eating the shit sandwich we were served.

As a direct result of being consumed with trying to figure this out and going out of my way to connect with others who are desperate to find peace, too, I have taken for granted that not everyone understands or even knows how to define “sociopath” or “psychopath” or “pathology,” for that matter. Not even the so-called experts.

Yesterday’s show revealed to me that society misuses, not overuses, the terms, and we’re partially to blame.

When the show’s host asked the docs on the show to define “sociopath” and “psychopath” to clarify any misunderstandings the audience may have, they failed to deliver and instead, danced around the issue.

Why?

I’d rather not speculate (or at least reveal my speculations) here, on my blog, because real people were involved yesterday on the show. I don’t want to insult anyone.

Oh, hell. Screw that! I was insulted! Here is my speculation:

No one on that panel (besides me) has ever been on the receiving end of another’s pathology. The true receiving end. Sitting behind a desk listening to a “maybe” sociopath/client discuss their behavior does not make one an expert in pathology. Counseling a psychopath/sociopath (like M.E. Thomas believes she is and James Fallon purports he is) gives a person only HALF of the reality associated with pathology.

The other half missing in their analysis and expert opinions is us, the victims and survivors of these fools.

How can these people, the experts, intelligently talk or share an understanding of something they have never fully experienced themselves!? At best, they are speculating and playing an intellectual game, something pathology education and awareness has no time for.

I wanted to jump in and interrupt them several times. Instead, I sat back and smiled, because I am familiar with people giving me the hairy-eyeball stare when I reveal that I dated a sociopath. So chiming in and interrupting these “scholars” probably would have resulted in a nation of hairy-eyeball stares and nasty comments. Who needs that shit?

Instead, I sat back patiently thinking to myself, “THIS is why society calls every politician, lawyer or national leader a sociopath: not even the so-called experts are willing to admit that there is a human anomaly that exists in this world that even they can’t explain. Instead of trying to explain it using brain scans and with testimony from the lying and manipulative disordered, why not try to explain it from the point-of-view of the people most negatively affected by sociopathic behaviortheir victims?

I also wanted to say that the only people walking around over-using and misusing the words “sociopath” and “psychopath” are people who have NEVER been impacted directly by true sociopaths or psychopaths. REAL victims struggle to define their tormenters/abusers with such terminology. I don’t know about the rest of you, but it took me a couple years before I was willing to say that the boy in my story was sick. It took another year+ to be willing to admit to myself that he was, in fact, a goddamn sociopath!

Until I was willing to admit to and accept that, I was walking around thinking I was the cause of all the problems because the sick bastard told me I was. (Remember how they do that?)

So if we want to blame anyone for the misuse and overuse of the language of pathology, let’s blame ourselves. I had an opportunity to at least get the conversation moving in that direction yesterday, but I failed. If they had just given me more time or if I had just been more willing to behave like an asshole and interrupt the verbal chaos.

Lesson learned! Maybe next time. 🙂

~Namaste!

Link to the show: Learning to Love the Sociopath?

(On a related note: I thoroughly enjoyed meeting all three of the other participants. It was a great experience, and I’m glad I accepted the invitation from the show’s producers)

mother and child

An Open Apology to The Mother of the Narcissistic Sociopath

mother and childOn the heals of leaving the boy in my story and trying to make sense of what happened, I spoke of and wrote about how much I believed his mother was just as sick and equally responsible. Now I understand she really had no choice but to enable her “unreachable” son.

The boy’s mother learned how to “take” her son’s abuse, which more than likely began at a very, very young age. One story the boy seemed especially proud to tell was of a time when he was 5 or 6, and his mother sought help from a psychiatrist. His mother was baffled by the boy’s behavior and needed to know what she could do about it and if there was hope for it to change.

The boy described that visit to the psychiatrist with enthusiasm and glee. He told the story in expressive soliloquy-style, bubbling with great animation accompanied by a chuckle here and a smirk there.

(I can’t deny that I was mesmerized by his presentation. It was flippin’ Oscar-worthy! He came to life when he told it—much like he did any time he reminisced about his past diabolical behavior).

During that visit to the doctor, the boy destroyed the psychiatrist’s office. He claims the doctor sat there stoically talking to his mother as the boy transformed the once neat and orderly room into a sea of tossed books, papers and chairs. Nothing was left untouched or unmoved.  The boy described the aftermath as an absolute mess and disaster.

And he received zero punishment or consequences.

For the boy, this remains one of his proudest pieces of personal history. To him, he had accomplished something noteworthy that day.

That day IS noteworthy. I agree. It was the day he and everyone else in his life set the stage for the boy’s life journey. It’s the day he realized he could do any f*cking thing he wanted to do and get away with it.

According to the boy, the psychiatrist told his mother that he was just a boy and his behavior was normal. He’d grow out of it.

Normal, huh? Grow out of it, huh? I highly doubt that’s what the doctor said. I think that’s what his mother wanted to believe, because the truth was too much to bare—her son had a serious behavioral issue and a lot of time, counseling and resources were needed to fix it.

After that incident, his mother pretty much gave up fighting him. Instead, she allowed his behavior. Why?

I suspect for the same reason any of us would: Who wants to believe there is anything seriously wrong with their child? Who wants to accept some negative, mental-health label? How much guilt is connected in doing that? How much social stigma is attached to that?

How, then, was she able to allow the behavior?

Again, I can only speculate, but based on how detached she was from him as an adult, I suspect she began detaching herself from him when he was just 5 or 6.

She worked a lot. Traveled solo a lot. Helped her husband with his business a lot. Bottom line, she kept busy with menial tasks, so she didn’t have time to mother her son beyond providing him with shelter, food and other basics.

And so the boy’s shitty behavior was free to grow, prosper and escalate. He had no reason to change or better himself (not that it would have happened even if she had decided to mother and nurture him more).

To this day, his mother remains detached and enabling. She still keeps busy, busy busy doing absolutely, f*cking nothing.

But she is always there to bail him out. From financial pinches to relationship disasters. She’s the one who took in his ex-fiancée when he kicked her out as he tried moving me in. She was his buffer. His saving grace. His mother defuses his shittiness and allows him to go about his life “business as usual.”

The guy is a loser but looks like a success because his mother, whom he lacks total respect for, chose a long time ago not to challenge him or his behavior. If she had, she probably would have ended up on the other side of one of his rages, the rages reserved for his girlfriends, fiancées and any future, unfortunate wives he might fool.

I can’t say that I blame his mother for saving herself from being on the receiving end of his rages. It’s not a pleasant place to be. I’m sorry I ever blamed her.

So peace to his mother. May she one day find the courage to finally stand up to him and maybe run away, too.

Namaste!

(image source)

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