Naomi’s story: “On more than one occasion, I imagined killing him.” #dvawareness @commdiginews

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October 14, 2014 – Naomi’s story: “On more than one occasion, I imagined killing him.”


BETHESDA, Maryland, October 14, 2014 — Naomi* is a survivor of domestic violence and pathological abuse living, raising her children and recovering in The United States.

Before the relationship, I was on a great path. Picking up new hobbies and skills, working out regularly, eating healthy, caring for and bonding fully with my then one-and-a-half-year-old son.

Then I met him. Read more


Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Survival Stories 12 and 13 – Laura and Mary #domesticviolence #princecharming

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October 12, 2014 – Laura’s story: A living hell of domestic violence and pathological abuse

October 13, 2014 – Mary’s story: Stayed with her abuser to protect her children


Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Gloria’s Story: “They don’t understand. They’re just jealous.”

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Each day during the month of October, column author Paula Carrasquillo will feature a story written by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

Gloria’s Story: “They don’t understand. They’re just jealous.”

BETHESDA, Maryland, October 7, 2014 — Gloria* is a survivor of narcissistic/pathological abuse living and recovering in the United Kingdom.

Before the relationship became intimate, I spent two years being assessed and groomed although I did not realize it at the time. It was by far the most intense friendship I have ever had and we spent every day (five days a week) chatting briefly on messaging and emailing each other at work. I felt great, because I had just come out of an abusive eight-year relationship and here was this man, my friend from South Africa, back in my life after 23 years, and he made me feel good about myself. He told me I was very attractive, so kind and friendly with everyone, and we seemed to have so much in common. He became my best friend all over again. He persuaded me to buy a webcam and I did not see anything wrong in this at the time. Read more… 


*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Amber’s Story: “I hid the knives during fights.” #domesticviolence #shatteringmyths #survivorstories

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Each day during the month of October, I will feature a story in my CDN column written and submitted to me by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

October 2, 2014: Shattering domestic violence myths — Amber’s Story: “I hid the knives during fights.”

BETHESDA, Maryland, October 2, 2014 — Amber* is a scientist and beekeeper who lives, works and raises her family in the United States.


Before the relationship, I was an independent thinker with strong opinions that I didn’t necessarily share. Everyone has an opinion, and they are entitled to it. I don’t need to argue my point to sway opinions. I had a diverse set of friends with differing opinions from mine as well.

During the relationship, my beliefs were challenged. My political and religious beliefs were thrown at me to shame me. I was told certain people were not my “real” friends, his family didn’t like me, I was a bitch, a cunt and a whore. I gave a lot of leeway to him, because his father left him. I felt he was damaged and felt unloved and lashed out because of it.

Eventually, I was frightened of him. Read more…


*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Betty’s Story: Survivor stories shatter myths #DV #myths #awareness #storyaday

No need to Stoop to Conquer the Sociopath

Each day during the month of October, I will feature a story in my CDN column written and submitted to me by a survivor of domestic violence. At the end of October, a compilation of all stories will be available for free as an e-book.

October 1, 2014: Shattering domestic violence myths: Betty’s Story “He never hit me; he didn’t need to.”

The following is the story’s introduction.

BETHESDA, Maryland, October 1, 2014 — Betty* is a domestic abuse victim who lives, works, attends college and raises her son in the United States.


Before the relationship, I was confident, happy, sure of myself and my place in the world.

During the relationship, my priorities changed to everything about him. Keeping him happy. I would even get dressed in the morning and mentally consider if he would “approve of” or like what I was wearing. I became a shell of myself, but I didn’t know it at the time. I only see it now, in retrospect.

After the relationship, I crumbled. Everything that I had “known” and thought for 6 years was a lie and realizing that and accepting it and moving forward was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s hard to wrap your head around such a total mind f*%#. I had a breakdown. Literally. Read more…

*All names have been changed to protect the survivor and the survivor’s family and friends.

Featuring stories of abuse survival throughout October #dvawarenessmonth #healing #recovery

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Last year, I invited readers and followers of my blog and Facebook page to submit their stories of abuse and survival for inclusion in my second book on healing and recovery. Much to my surprise, I received more than 60 responses and soon realized that these stories deserve a platform and book of their own.

I announced in August that I’d be editing and compiling the stories to be distributed as an e-book by October, Domestic Violence Awareness month. Since then, I spoke with my editors at Communities Digital News (CDN) about featuring a story-a-day from this compilation on my CDN column, Living Inside Out Loud.

My editors, Jacquie Kubin and Lisa Ruth, love the idea and gave me the green light to publish the stories to my CDN column beginning October 1.

So I’m asking everyone to support the effort and share and pass along each day’s story, which I will post links to daily from this blog. These stories are our stories. They speak to the disconnect and lack of understanding society in general has about domestic violence and emotional abuse and why it’s not always as simple as “just leaving.”

Thanks to the recent NFL domestic violence headlines, it’s fair to say that the majority of our friends and family are now aware that domestic violence exists and bleeds into our cities, neighborhoods and homes. What is not known is just how little is being done to support victims and their families faced with the daunting task of walking away from the abuse and then finding lasting support in the aftermath.

I’m hoping our stories will speak to the painful reality of this unknown

At the end of October, the complete e-book will be available for FREE through Amazon, and later a soft-copy version will be available to purchase.

Paula Carrasquillo, author of Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath

Everything feeds our healing journey #sociopathabuse #recovery

Outside of educating ourselves about sociopath abuse and finding the proper support to guide us along our journey, another key ingredient to healing and recovery is nutrition.

When I use the word nutrition, I don’t just mean the food we eat. I’m referring to everything we subject our bodies and minds to from a holistic approach:

1. Food – Is it balancing me or causing me heartburn or indigestion?
2. Air – Am I actively breathing in fresh oxygen?
3. Water – Am I keeping my organs hydrated?
4. Sunshine – Am I remembering to get outside at least once each day?
5. Exercise/moving our bodies – Am I getting out of bed/off the couch like I should?
5. Friendships – Are they really my friends?
6. Co-worker relationships – Are they harming my job performance?
7. Career/job decisions – Is this the right job for me?
8. School/academics – Am I focused?
9. Books/Films – Are they depressing me or inspiring me?
10. News – Is it triggering me or motivating me?

Examining all of these areas in the aftermath of sociopath abuse is vital, because all of these things can affect how we feel about ourselves in any given moment.

As you embark on your weekend, consider these key ingredients and determine your areas of strength and those of weakness and see how they can complement each other.

For example, if you have a really great friend or group of friends, but your diet is dragging you down, consider organizing a healthy cooking demo with your friends or ask one of your friends who has a healthy diet if she/he will help you to improve your diet.

I learn so much everyday from the amazing and intelligent people I have met and welcomed into my life. If you would like to share a “recipe” that has helped you get healthy, please share!!

Namaste!
~Paula

Why the Sociopath Needs Secondary Supply to Maintain Primary Supply

Not only does the sociopath groom and prep his primary victim in the early idolization phase of the toxic relationship, the sociopath also grooms and preps the victim’s closest family member or best friend as secondary supply.

The sociopath does this to build an illusion of trust between himself and a person who came into the life of his current victim many years before the sociopath.

If the sociopath can establish this false trust with a victim’s best friend or closest family member, then the sociopath is able to successfully triangulate and gain support when his primary victim begins to question the sociopath’s motive.

The secondary supply is only privy to all of the so-called love and respect the sociopath has for the primary victim. The secondary supply, whenever alone with the sociopath, repeatedly is fed lines by the sociopath such as:

“I love her so much. She and I are perfect for each other. She came into my life just when I needed her the most and she needed me. You see that, right? How beautiful is that!?!”

The secondary supply is so happy for her friend, the primary supply, and even repeats the sociopath’s shallow declarations to others in their inner circle. The secondary supply is enveloped in the same fog as the primary victim, but the secondary supply never experiences the reality of the sociopath’s dark side the way the primary supply eventually and insidiously does.

So when the primary supply starts confiding her misgivings and doubts about the sociopath to the secondary supply, the secondary supply is there to immediately counter the concerns with what she thinks is love, support, and reassurance:

“Don’t be silly! He loves you so much. All he tells me is that you saved him and he saved you and that he wants to grow old with you. Other women don’t matter to him any more! He loves you! Give yourself more credit and stop worrying. You need him and he needs you. He tells me all the time. He’s good for you.”

This just perpetuates and deepens the primary supplies confusion and cognitive dissonance.

And if the primary victim doesn’t go to the secondary supply with her concerns and instead starts by confronting the sociopath, the sociopath will direct her to talk to the secondary supply:

“Don’t be silly! You’re imagining things. I love you so much. Just ask Alice.”

In my case, the sociopath found supply from my elderly mother. My sisters were no match for his empty and transparent compliments. All they saw was an arrogant fool who was fooling their sister.

But my mother…she was blindsided by the sociopath’s feigned concern and charm, as are all secondary supplies…at first.

And it wasn’t until my mother, the boy’s only source of secondary supply that could possibly influence me, suddenly dropped her support of the sociopath that I too began to really question his motives and authenticity.

This past Mother’s Day, my mother approached me, because she couldn’t figure out how to delete messages between the boy and my mother through Facebook. She had been too ashamed to ask me for help to delete them sooner. She was ashamed of her part in the perpetuation of the toxic relationship. She also feared I would be triggered and become angry after reading the messages.

The only thing the messages proved were what I have known all along. I assured my mother that she did nothing wrong, that I wasn’t upset with her, and that reading the messages validated me.

Delete!! Poof! My mother is no longer haunted by the King of Cons.

Who was your sociopath’s secondary supply?

Namaste!
~Paula

Stick it out; don’t give up #healing #recovery #patience #sociopathabuse

The day I stepped onto a yoga mat for the first time I was a few months shy of my 40th birthday, suffering from depression, a lot of knee and joint pain, unknown post traumatic stress, and alcohol dependency.

Was I scared? Yes. I was scared shitless!

I didn’t know if I was going to hurt myself or help myself. I didn’t know if I was going to laugh or cry. I didn’t know if others were going to laugh at me or cry for me.

Nearly three years later, I am no longer depressed, I’ve been sober for 2 years, I laugh WITH myself, and I cry because sometimes it’s what I need. I’m no longer ashamed of my past mistakes or the abuse inflicted upon me. I’m no longer afraid to fail OR to succeed. The nightmares have stopped, and room was made to start my life over again from scratch–for me and for my family who never doubted me.

I realize now that the first step toward my current freedom was completely in my hands. The power to transform, grow, and heal was within me. Stepping onto that yoga mat back in October 2011 began my awakening.

But my awakening wasn’t instant. Nothing transformational is ever instant. We must work hard for it. With each practice, I learned to be more patient and more gentle with myself and to remain hopeful.

Despite occasional set backs and struggles, I stuck it out. I kept going back to the mat. I kept learning something new about myself and my abilities, both mental and physical.

I’m glad I stuck it out. I surely wouldn’t be in a place to write today if I had given up many yesterday’s ago.

If you’ve started on your transformational journey through yoga or some other practice that fits your needs, I want you to stick it out, too. Even when you don’t think there are changes happening, stick it out!! You rarely have the capacity to realize or appreciate the changes and transformations in the exact moments they occur. Life informs you days, weeks, or months later. So be patient. Stick it out.

And if you haven’t started, start today by telling yourself that you’re worth it and you deserve joy, peace, and a chance at an awakening and new beginning.

Namaste!
~Paula

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