Spotting a Sociopath’s False Mask of Victimhood

Outside of the obvious (lack of conscience, remorse and the ability to experience affective empathy), the biggest difference between sociopaths and the rest of us is their immediate need for pity and sympathy in the aftermath of their abuse against others.

Sociopaths jump on the “victim bandwagon” long before their victims figure out they are victims.

While the real victims spend months and years ashamed and in the fog of victim denial, sociopaths immediately start looking for sympathy, validation and support by declaring themselves VICTIMS!

Sociopaths quickly find a willing audience (generally a new victim or existing minions and family members) and repeatedly say things like, “Can you believe she made me do that? He deserves what he’s experiencing. It wouldn’t have happened if she had just listened to me in the first place. What a cruel and mean thing he did. She is so sick. He has no idea what a great friend in me he lost. She’ll never find anyone who is willing to help her the way I tried to help her. I doubt he will ever learn. She’s so pathetic.”

Those listening to the crying and distraught sociopath intensely spewing his/her unbelievable story of abuse with the air of saintly tolerance and feigned concern through a flood of crocodile tears, imagine that the sociopath must have been attacked by some type of human monster. The sociopath’s audience quickly and instantly judge the source of the sociopath’s “pain” as a person who is cruel and hateful.

Unfortunately, these people, the sociopath’s source of supply and validation for his/her shitty behavior, have no idea that it’s the sociopath before them seeking their pity who is the monster.

Sociopaths have a knack for playing the victim expertly and feel deeply that the only reason they “had to do what they did” to their victim is because their victim somehow abused the sociopath first.

To the sociopath, abuse is perceived very differently than how the rest of us perceive abuse.

An abuse against the sociopath means someone in their sphere of influence–their current intimate partner, business partner, best friend or family member–directly assaulted the sociopath’s existence through that person’s indirect actions and/or words.

Actions sociopaths associate as direct abuse against them include:

When someone questions, opposes, or debates the sociopath; exerts their free will and free thinking in any given situation; seeks assistance from anyone other than the sociopath; makes decisions without first consulting the sociopath; succeeds in efforts not first approved by the sociopath; receives more attention or recognition from mutual acquaintances than the sociopath; and/or looks or feels happier than the sociopath.

To the sociopath, these are direct affronts to the sociopath’s sense of security and identity. These “abuses” put the sociopath on the peripheral of a person’s life and not at the center of it, and sociopaths just HATE feeling like they are not the absolute center of their victim’s world.

When the sociopath feels this way, the sociopath is convinced he/she has been victimized by an uncaring and heartless monster. And there is always a willing audience to listen to and support the sociopath cry about injustices against him/her.

Is it because people like drama? Or does it have something to do with the sociopath testing his audience’s moral code and human decency in the moment?

I think it’s the later.

While the sociopath spews about the cruel and hateful assaults against him/her, it would be cruel and hateful for the sociopath’s audience of supporters to look upon the sociopath as a liar, don’t you think?

And that is exactly what the sociopath counts on and uses to his/her advantage in the immediate aftermath of the fall of the toxic relationship.

“It’s all her fault! All I did was love her and she left me! She is so cruel and sick and doesn’t appreciate a good man when he’s standing before her.”

Blah, blah, boo, hoo. It’s amazing how shameless they are in their quest for pity.

Sociopaths sound more like insecure and self-loathing toddlers frustrated because their mother turned her back to tend to a sibling or to dinner or to someone, anyone, who is not the out-of-control and selfish sociopath.

But the sociopath’s audience somehow fails to see the monster behind the mask and instead believes it’s looking at a person, the sociopath, who tried so hard to be loved and was rejected and abandoned by a hateful and mentally ill abuser not worthy of the sociopath’s gift of enlightenment and righteousness.

(Note to any sociopath reading this: The above sentence was written using the literary devices called sarcasm and irony. I know neither are easy for you to recognize and wanted to make it clear in case you take the message literally and as a compliment. Sorry. That’s not what it is at all.)

So by the time the REAL victim comes forward months and/or years later to dispute the sociopath’s claims and/or detail what REALLY happened, everyone who supports the sociopath and who heard the sociopath’s early claims of abuse look upon the REAL victim as the abusive liar the sociopath successfully triangulated and manipulated them into believing she was. Sociopath supporters are blindly unwavering in support of the sociopath.

“I can’t believe anyone would accuse [insert name of sociopath] of such actions. He’s such a good and decent person. He’s done so much for [insert name of community]’s cause. I can’t believe anyone could accuse a person who has been through so much of such a horrendous act. Only someone mentally ill could accuse such a good person of THAT!”

We see this injustice repeat across all crimes of abuse, rape and fraud. We watch victim after victim on the news who come forward years after they were molested or raped being denied credibility. They are denied credibility because people who haven’t been abused assume REAL victims wouldn’t wait so long to report such offenses, which speaks to the collective cluelessness of society when it comes to identifying REAL victims. Tragically, even law enforcement, attorneys, social workers, psychiatrists, judges and juries are included in this collective ignorance.

The first thing that should be clear to those who are clueless is that REAL victims don’t even identify with victimhood until physical and emotional symptoms begin manifesting in their lives. Even then, many victims refuse to believe that their anxiety, addiction, depression, loss of hope, or physical handicap is a result of being a victim of abuse, a result of post-traumatic stress.

Victims/survivors of sociopath abuse struggle with accepting we were/are victims in the first place, and question whether or not we asked for our suffering, because victims of abuse believe it IS their fault and don’t seek to blame and/or point fingers at others, alone and definitely not in front of an audience.

But sociopaths, on the other hand, are thrilled to gain the pity from others and immediately declare themselves victims. With full and unwavering support from their unsuspecting new group of patsies, sociopaths are able to nurture a dangerous sense of self-empowerment, delusions and entitlement.

Suddenly, as if by magic, the poor abused sociopath is “over” the “suffering” he/she unfairly endured. Until, of course, his/her current group of so-called friends starts questioning, calling out, or ignoring the sociopath’s righteous and “expert” advice, and the pity party and crazy-making cycle grows and festers with new victims and new accusations.

So we must question those who attempt to infiltrate themselves into our world who seem so “unlucky” in life and have a history of jumping or being “pushed” from group to group, relationship to relationship, cause to cause.

Instead of blindly inviting these “strays” into our communities, we need to protect ourselves and our friends and ask these people directly: “Why do you think you keep losing people in your life?”

What’s the “right” or “wrong” answer to this question? I think everyone finally knows how to sense and discern between a sociopath’s disingenuous answer and a non-sociopath’s genuine response to the question. Besides, I don’t want to detail a correct or a wrong answer just so sociopaths can steal our knowledge and put it in their “mask of sanity” toolkit.

It’s fair to say that we know how to look into a person’s eyes, feel their energy (good and bad) and know if the fool is a fool. After all, we were fooled before, right? So now that we’re experienced with being duped once, we know immediately when it’s standing before attempting to dupe us again. The only thing that might be different is the costume. We won’t fall for it’s bait. We are confident and trust ourselves now, right? 🙂

Namaste!
~Paula

Join me on Friday for CDN’s BlogTalk Radio news hour #Politics #The Cancer of Sexual Violence via @commdiginews

CDN BlogTalk Radio Show beginning at 6:30 p.m., Friday, August 8

Politics and The Cancer of Sexual Violence

Join in the discussion tomorrow night beginning at 6:30 p.m. EST. I’ll be leading a conversation about violence against women and the Ravens’ decision to keep Ray Rice. I’ll be joined by Jerome Elam, an internationally recognized advocate for the protection of children from sexual predators. We’ll be sharing the connections between the two issues and how to change the perceptions surrounding both.


Follow this link for details on how to tune in: http://www.commdiginews.com/communities-digital-news-hour/critical-conversations-its-just-politics-plus-the-cancer-of-sexual-violence-23322/

Mirroring : Sociopaths make us appear just like them #abuse #recovery

Mirroring is at the heart of how sociopaths hook us and why others think we were just like the sociopath while inside the toxic relationship.

Not only do sociopaths intensely love bomb and praise us in the beginning, they mirror how we behave and how we react to people and experiences.

The sociopath agrees with our parenting style, choice in friends, work ethic, family connections, and how we approach solving problems. In the beginning, the sociopath never questions, challenges or opposes us in these areas of our identity. We are led to believe that the sociopath is on the exact same page as we are when it comes to absolutely everything life throws at us.

As victims, we don’t realize that the sociopath builds his mask of sanity by agreeing and mirroring us with intensity. This intensity, simultaneously creates a bond of deep trust and commitment. We see the sociopath as someone “just like us,” so we trust the sociopath intrinsically…with everything!

As a result of being fooled into believing this false bond of trust is genuine, we begin to reciprocate and naturally mirror the sociopath, because that’s what humans do in close relationships with people we love and trust. Unfortunately, mirroring the sociopath means gradually and insidiously taking on the same shitty attitude the sociopath has about life and dealing with people.

We criticize the same people, places, and things the sociopath criticizes. We assume that the sociopath’s criticisms are coming from a place of extensive thought, intellect, and consideration; because our criticisms of people, places, and things come from those places. We falsely mirror what we think is healthy observations of our environment, when, in fact, the criticisms the sociopath spews are the opposite of healthy and come from a place of jealousy, hate, and contempt.

We end up behaving like a jealous, hateful, and contemptuous sociopath not realizing we’re behaving like a sociopath!

To those ex-victims and survivors on the outside, we appear perfect for each other…two shitty people living out their shitty lives together. Two sociopaths, side-by-side. Perfect!

Reconciling this is difficult in recovery. It takes time to undo the brainwashing and to not keep thinking we are the pathological ones. It’s painful when we look back on some of the stupid and thoughtless things we did to and against people and situations all in the name of being faithful and committed to a person we thought was just like us.

Personally, I do not believe two sociopaths in romance or even business could ever last. I think sociopaths repel each other and have a knack for spotting “their kind” better than anyone else can. And if two sociopaths were to get together, I think there would be so much fighting about control that they would each self-implode. They would never work out.

What do you think? Do you think or have you ever thought that your ex has found his perfect match, because you have been led to believe, in your mind, that the new victim isn’t really a victim at all, and is instead a sociopath, too?

Namaste!
~Paula

Yoga as therapy for victims of all types of abuse

I don’t compare or put a severity level on trauma. All trauma, regardless of the source, type, or duration, has powerful consequences and impacts a person’s identity and sense of self-worth. Also, I do not believe trauma victims are permanently damaged or destroyed. From those who suffer PTSD and abuse through military service/war to those who suffer from sociopath/narcissistic abuse as children, I absolutely believe recovery is possible.

I have tried lots of traditional methods and approaches to recovery. The one that works for me is yoga, and I started practicing yoga not aware of the impact it would eventually have on my trauma and triggers! I simply stumbled upon the healing and transformational power of yoga.

During a traumatic event and/or periods of perpetual trauma, our ability to physically move and act is hindered. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that everyone who suffers from trauma holds trauma in their physical bodies…in their muscles…in their connective tissues. The combination of focused breathing and movement that yoga requires has been proven to release that internal tension and “free” a patient slowly and gradually over time.

To add to its credibility as an effective tool, yoga is gaining the spotlight in the integrative health field. Non-profits like Boulevard Zen and Yoga Hope have provided yoga as therapy to DV survivors and to survivors of the Boston Marathon bombing respectively. Many survivors of cancer also have yoga as part of their recovery programs in hospitals and institutes. In addition, med students are even being encouraged to become yoga practitioners and teachers, so they understand the power of yoga in order to recommend yoga therapy to their future patients.

If I had not seen and experienced the positive results in myself and in others whom I have personally met and been in contact, I would not feel confident enough to share and encourage others to give yoga and meditation a try. To just consider it.

But it does require a commitment of at least several weeks of consistent practice. Recent studies conducted with older generation veterans concluded that after just 8 weeks of a regular and consistent practice of transcendental meditation (TM), vets with PTSD experienced a 50% decrease in their symptoms and triggers. That’s huge to me, considering TM requires zero movement of the physical body beyond the rise and fall of the lungs, pumping of the heart, and the flow of oxygenated blood to all our organs.

So I feel internally motivated to make an effort to influence and persuade folks who happen to find this blog to try yoga. I am starting to put together Introduction to Yoga and Meditation videos to share on this site very soon. I can’t wait to offer these to you.

For now, check out Yoga and Meditation Therapy for Survivors of Sociopath Abuse on this site.

Namaste!
~Paula

“Dear” by Patricia Ferland Weltin

“Dear”
by Patricia Ferland Weltin

Dear Heartbreaker
Dear Money Taker
Dear Family Court Faker

I’m still here!

Dear Soul Sucker
Dear Other Woman Fucker
Dear Every Rule Bucker

I’m still here!

Dear Dead Beat Dad
Dear Need the Latest Fad
Dear Think it’s Cool to Be Bad

I’m still here!

Dear Child User
Dear Legal System Abuser
Dear Too Many Women Chooser

I’m still here!

Dear Effortless Liar
Dear Relentless Denier
Dear Crocodile Crier

I’m still here!

Dear Identity Stealer
Dear Mind Game Dealer
Dear Pretend to Be Healer

I’m still here!

Dear Creator of Confusion
Dear Master of Illusion
Dear Reality is Delusion

I’m still here!

Dear Master of Submit
Dear Force Feeder of Shit
Dear A Dozen Ways to Get Lit

I’m still here!

Dear User of Force
Dear Creator of Loss
Dear Raper and Boss

I’m still here
and it’s important you know Dear
YOU can’t make me disappear.

My first abuser is PROOF that abusers DO NOT change and only get worse

Part of the reason I had to speak out about the boy in my story, the sociopath, two years ago is because 24 years ago there was another abuser who I remained silent about due to feelings of shame, guilt, and embarrassment. His name is David Leo Cassady, and he hasn’t stopped hurting and harming women, children, men or the police since:

On Friday May 23, 2014, at 2:55 pm, Cumberland City Police Officer’s responded to a private residence at the 100 block of Pine Avenue for a trespassing complaint. Upon arrival contact was made with the owner of the residence who advised that David Cassady, age 42 of Cumberland, showed up at his residence uninvited and refused to leave. Officers advised Cassady that he needed to leave but he refused to do so and became argumentative. He was placed in custody and transported to the Cumberland City Police Department where he was processed and criminally cited for Disorderly Conduct. He was released pending trial at the Allegany County District Court.

On Wednesday May 28, 2014, at 12:32 pm, Cumberland City Police Officers were dispatched to a disturbance on Queen City Drive. Investigation into this matter revealed that David Cassady was inside the Union Rescue Mission and engaged into an argument with a staff member. Cassady proceeded to throw food around the dining room area and allegedly spat on a staff member. Cassady began to cause a disturbance outside the establishment as he was disturbing the peace of others in the area as he cursed at the officers. Cassady was placed in custody and during the arresting process, he kicked an officer. Cassady was transported to the Cumberland City Police Department where he was processed and served. He was taken to the Allegany County District Court Commissioners Office for a bond hearing and held on a $8,500.00 dollar bond at the Allegany County Detention Center.

When is this city, Cumberland, Md., going to do something about this person, this thing, before he kills someone?

I was one of his first female victims 24 years ago when I was just 18 and he was 18. The police in Cumberland refused to do anything about his threats and attacks against me then and allowed this psychopath to spend two decades terrorizing and tormenting women, children, men and the police. He’s been in and out of the prison system and has left many victims in his wake, many who suffer from trauma and continued fear that this disgusting example of a human being is going to come and kill them or their loved ones.

Unfortunately, I suffered alone for 22 years in the aftermath of his abuse. I remained silent, because I naively thought I was smart enough and strong enough to overcome  the trauma of being smothered, threatened with a gun, kicked, punched, and made to believe I should be ashamed of myself for being raised with loving parents. I learned the hard way, after years of depression, eating disorders, alcohol abuse, and my own arrest, that I am not super woman and that I needed help.

Do you have any idea how many victims this piece of trash has harmed in 24 years!? Many have warned me not to speak out. Many fear that he will come after me and my family. Well, my family and I are not afraid of this coward. Not anymore. Cowards like him only go after people he thinks are weak and easily scared. I’m not afraid. I’m not scared.

If you are or have ever been a victim of David Leo Cassady, come forward. It’s time the city of Cumberland starts focusing on real criminals who have the greatest potential to commit murder and render many of its residents fearful and frozen. Violence committed by a single person over and over again has a cascading and rippling effect in entire communities.

If you are reading this and have been a victim of domestic violence and feel trapped and unable to escape the daily torture and torment, you’re not to blame and you’re not alone. Contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and consider reading my latest story about why we stay. You may be surprised by what you discover:

http://www.commdiginews.com/life/why-janay-rice-and-other-domestic-violence-victims-dont-leave-18179/

Namaste!
~Paula

Integrative Health Tip #1: Healing from Pathological Abuse with Guided Metta Meditation

When we are struck by a sociopath, we are presented with the gift of knowing and experiencing the true dualities of life.

We appreciate love more, because we felt true hate. We appreciate beauty more, because we have experienced true ugliness.

We saw these things not only manifest in our abuser, but within ourselves as a result of being impacted by the sociopath. Once we are outside of the sociopath’s sphere of influence, we are empowered to focus on the good…the love and the light and the peace.

Have you ever tried guided metta meditation? As supplemental therapy for traditional counseling, medication, and mental health recovery services, many healthcare professionals are asking their patients to consider integrative healthcare options like nutrition coaching, acupuncture, yoga, and meditation. I have a playlist on Youtube. Consider video number 4 (above) on the list.

Peace is within us, and once we realize how to access it, our life becomes enveloped in it, protecting us from future sociopath/pathological influence.

Namaste!
~Paula XOXO

Liars! Further Dissection of Pistorius’s Anxiety and PTSD Claims

Oscar throws a temper tantrum at the Paralympics, and an expert claims he did it because he suffers from General Anxiety Disorder (GAD)?

First, someone suffering from undiagnosed and untreated GAD would have a difficult time competing let alone losing a race.

Second, those who suffer GAD generally do not blame others for every mistake they make in life, and they certainly wouldn’t know to blame the possible source of their anxiety: their abusive parents. Oh, my!

Individuals suffering from GAD fail to act due to fear of failure and of being perceived as imperfect. Their anxiety is born from feeling like they are not good enough.

Oscar, on the contrary, believes he is very good. He is so good in his eyes that he once fought to be the exception to all the rules in the last summer Olympic games.

Did he care if other athletes considered his presence and “blades” to be an unfair advantage? Not at all. He did not have the capacity to respect the sound and scientific arguments against him competing. Instead, he was quoted as saying:

“I don’t see myself as disabled. There’s nothing I can’t do that able-bodied athletes can do.”

Despite his current claim that experiencing the trauma of having his fibulas removed at 11-months of age and of having a one-time alcoholic mother and controlling father who made him fearful of society, up until the day he murdered Reeva Steenkamp, all who knew Oscar and witnessed his behavior would have argued otherwise.

“I still find it strange when I say to someone, ‘Can you pass me my legs?’ But I don’t ever think about my disability,” Pistorius has claimed.

So which is it? Is Pistorius someone who, for years, has simply been fooling everyone into believing his disability didn’t have a negative effect on his life but actually made him superhuman for overcoming his loss of limbs? Or is Pistorius fooling us now in an attempt to elude justice for the gun-killing murder of Reeva Steenkamp?

If he were truly terrified that night, he would have simply reached over to touch the position on the bed where Reeva should have been. In a matter of seconds, he would have been assured that the noise he claimed to have heard was just Reeva and not an intruder. His fears and anxieties would have subsided. And as a GAD sufferer, this is exactly what he would have done, because, after years of experiencing debilitating and undiagnosed GAD, he would have trained himself to investigate the reasonable cause before reacting prematurely.

But this is not what poor, suffering Pistorius did that night. Instead, according to him, he reached for his gun (not for Reeva) and took more time to stumble over to the toilet door on his stumps, screaming to the person behind the door, “Get the fuck out of my house!”

Reeva surely would have heard that and responded with, “It’s just me Oscar. It’s Reeva.”

He didn’t even speak through the door, “Is that you Reeva? I’m scared. Is that you in the toilet?”

THAT is what someone with undiagnosed and untreated GAD would do, because people with GAD are frozen to respond to situations if there are uncertainties.

Only an arrogant and reactive sociopath would shoot first and ask questions later, because to a sociopath, all of their actions are justified.

And, no, you cannot claim that his trauma response would have been to fight. Why? Because in this situation, there was a door between Oscar and the presumed threat. A person experiencing trauma would hope the door remained intact to continue serving as a barrier. Shooting through the door decreases the door’s value as a barrier. Not only would holes render the door weaker, the chances that the presumed threat on the other side would use their weapon also increased.

Oscar knew the person on the other side of the door was Reeva. He knew she was unarmed. He knew his life was not in physical danger.

But Oscar was scared and terrified in those moments, because he feared his reputation was on the line. He was more than aware of Reeva’s interest in speaking out against domestic violence. Also, he was well-aware that her own reputation and public presence in the spotlight was on the threshold of taking off with her soon-to-be aired reality show and with her Valentine’s Day speech at a local school about domestic violence and intimate partner abuse.

He couldn’t have her breaking up with him. The timing was terrible! She could easily start pointing fingers at his abusive and manipulative nature. Oscar had to do something to shut her up, so he shot through the door, killed Reeva, and today claims it’s because of his childhood.

He wants the rest of us to see him as the real victim, a victim of his childhood and uncontrollable circumstances, while we are to feel nothing for the woman he killed.

Who does that? Childhood victims of trauma and abuse?

No. Real victims of trauma who commit heinous crimes and murder would ask to be punished. There would be no denial. There would be absolute blame and shame. There would be no pleas for understanding or pity. No victim would make such an outrageous claim that killing a loved one was a reasonable response to an unknown threat. Reasonable because 30 years ago your fibulas were amputated? What’s next? All circumcised boys who commit murder will claim trauma, too? (Get f%$#ing real!!)

Namaste!
~Paula

Claiming Pistorius Suffers from an Anxiety Disorder is Insulting to All Victims and Survivors Worldwide

The psychiatrist did a great job of listing why one MIGHT suffer from an anxiety disorder as a result of health traumas or imperfect childhood experiences like OP, but the expert failed to accurately illustrate how anxiety is outwardly manifested and measured over time.

The expert, in his ignorance, proved Pistorius does NOT suffer from general anxiety. Quite the opposite.

People with true anxiety tend to be anxious as a result of deep feelings of accountability, shame and blame. Oscar displays none of these.

Those with true anxiety are often rendered unable to act, because we need things to be perfect before we act. Otherwise, if something doesn’t happen as we planned, it burdens us because we see the failed plans as being totally and completely our fault, no one else’s. Oscar blames everyone BUT himself.

Those with true anxiety burden themselves with all of the fault. We run every possible outcome and scenario through our minds, which is why most of is don’t act or pursue our dreams. We try to be perfect before taking action (which is impossible), so we rarely act. Oscar has the opposite problem. He believes he is perfect and acts like a bull in a China shop, smashing through life with delusions of entitlement.

Those with true anxiety can definitely be controlling as a result of our need for perfection. However, when and if we do act and our actions fail or result in harm, the shame and guilt builds and grows deeper. Our anxiety grows. It’s a vicious cycle that destroys our self-confidence, self-respect and self-worth.

OP displays zero accountability or remorse, which is evident in his specific responses to being questioned about his harmful behavior.

Oscar IS suffering, however. He suffers from the temporary anxiety of getting caught and realizing prison time is an absolute possibility and consequence.

It’s convenient for the defense to claim anxiety, but the diagnosis is grossly inaccurate and insulting to those of us who understand how anxiety leads to deterioration of self-worth, not to an inflated ego and deflection of accountability, which is what Oscar displays.

OP is a sociopath. There is no doubt in my mind. He intentionally murdered his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp. The only thing that wasn’t intended was getting caught.

Namaste!
~Paula

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