This is my last post on this blog!

I’m shutting down this blog in a few days and this is my last post! 

But no worries. I’m not going away completely; it’s just time to infuse this blog’s message and mission with new energy and expanded purpose. So I’m happy to announce that I have a new website!

I spent the last four years blogging here at Wordpress.com (paularenee.wordpress.com) and finally made the leap to a self-hosted site on WordPress.org (www.lovelifeom.com). If you are subscribed to or started following this WordPress.com blog before today, you will not be notified when I post to my new blog.

To Follow and Subscribe to my new site, go to my first post on my new site:

Welcome! New space, new energy new purpose

This Welcome post contains instructions on how to subscribe and information about why I moved and the new services I’ll be offering to readers and followers.

And don’t worry. I transferred/exported all of my posts, pages, and comments from this blog to my new blog space, so you’ll still have access to posts and information you liked and referenced.

Thank you so much for all of your support through the years!!

With care,
Paula Carrasquillo

FREE Webinar Series: “Journey to the Heart” with love. life. om.

Let’s get this party started!

Yesterday was Loving Kindness Wednesday. I spent the day planning and scheduling love. life. om.’s first FREE webinar series specifically designed for everyone and anyone with the desire to transform their lives and reach their full potential.

Join the conversation and open your heart to new people, new opportunities, and new insights within love. life. om.’s safe and inclusive community.

In this FREE series, we’ll read selected meditations from Melody Beattie’s best-selling book “Journey to the Heart” and spend time sharing and reflecting on her words of wisdom. I’ll also share simple yet powerful mindfulness tools you can integrate into your personal healing journey toolkit.

Don’t miss this opportunity to connect with others who share your desire and passion to finally be free from unnecessary mental, emotional and physical blocks to finding joy and happiness!

Sign up today!

There are four (4) sessions in the series. Sign up for all of them or only the ones that fit your schedule best. I can’t wait for all of us to connect!

Have a beautiful day!
Paula Carrasquillo, MA, RYT-200
yoga teacher and health coach
www.paulacarrasquillo.com 


Paula.Carrasquillo_Marriott_Serenity_PoolWork with me! If you’re interested in learning powerful tools and techniques to transform your body, mind and spirit and open new pathways to healing and reaching your highest potential self, contact me to learn about the programs and services I offer.

FREE Webinar Series: “Journey to the Heart” by Melody Beatty

FREE Book Club Webinar Series: “Journey to the heart” by Melody Beatty

To kickstart the new year, I bought Beatty’s book of daily meditations. Each evening, I read an entry and am always blown away.
Some of you may know her other book, “Codependent No More”. I purchased that book a few years ago, but it didn’t resonate with me the way her book of daily meditations has.

It’s not that I’m in denial that I have a history of being codependent; I think we all can acknowledge we’ve been or continue to be codependent to a degree thanks to our upbringing in a society that makes us believe codependency is normal while simultaneously brainwashing us into believing we’re not codependent and that being codependent is “bad”. For many of us, it was the toxic relationship with a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath that finally opened our eyes to our conditioning and codependent tendencies. 

So no, I’m not in denial. It’s just that I’m the type of person who doesn’t wish to dwell for long on what’s wrong with me, because that generally leads me down a slippery slope of self-blame and self-judgment, which, ironically, sends me deeper into codependency because I end up desperate for external validation from others. Nope. I refuse to get trapped on that merry-go-round ever again.

I know I was codependent in the past and remain codependent to a degree today. I accept it. What I want to know is how do I change my default and learn to be more self-sufficient and self-reliant in relationships and with myself?

Beatty’s daily meditations provide part of answers, I believe, and speak to simple action steps that have the potential to pull us out of our conditioning and into a healthier mindset of joy, freedom, and accountability.

I’d like to invite you to read and share Beatty’s book with me. I’ll be conducting FREE webinars and inviting everyone to join in the conversation.

If you’re interested, please comment below with a day of the week and time that works best for you. I will do my best to accommodate as many of us as I can when scheduling the first FREE live webinar.

During the webinars, I’ll also share other mindfulness tools to help you stay grounded and focused on your inner journey of healing and transformation!

Paula Carrasquillo, MA, RYT-200
yoga teacher and health coach
www.paulacarrasquillo.com 


Paula.Carrasquillo_Marriott_Serenity_PoolWork with me! If you’re interested in learning powerful tools and techniques to transform your body, mind and spirit and open new pathways to healing and reaching your highest potential self, contact me to learn about the programs and services I offer.

When the victim becomes the tyrant #abuse #recovery

Abusers wear away our self-confidence, self-respect, self-trust and self-worth. But abusers aren’t easy to spot in the beginning, because they don’t act like abusive tyrants on the “first date”. Instead, abusers attract us initially with compliments and kudos mixed with a dose of self-loathing.

“You’re so good at that!!! I’d love to be as good at that as you are. And you’re so beautiful when you do it. I wish I were beautiful.”

For people with compassion, we’re flattered while we simultaneously believe we can help the abuser gain their own recipe for self-confidence and self-love. The moment we get the “itch to fix”, we’re hooked and the cycle of abuse begins. Soon, the very things the abuser praised us for being and doing, become the very things the abuser uses to condemn us.

“How dare you think you’re so smart? How dare you think you’re better at that than I am? How dare you think you’re so perfect and beautiful? You are so self-righteous! You need help!”

We’re left scratching our heads, apologizing profusely, asking how we can make it right, promise not to carelessly harm the abuser again and vow to work harder to be a better person.

Do you see what happens when we make the choice to feed into the abuser’s attacks? We forget, dismiss and down play our humanity. We judge ourselves and absorb all responsibility for how we made the abuser feel. We end up abusing ourselves from the inside out when we permit another human being to shit on us for being us. So not only are we getting pummeled from the outside by the abusers, we’re getting pummeled even harder from the inside by ourselves.

It’s not easy to break the abuse cycle or walk away from abusive relationships. But many of us have left and remain immersed in the inner cycle of abuse, which keeps us hyper-over reactive in all relationships. We lose people. We lose jobs. We lose trust. And it’s all because we’re unable to see that the abusive tyrant is now living inside of us.

Our inner tyrant is resentful. Our inner tyrant is suspicious and trusts no one. Our inner tyrant moves from a place of fear and not from a place of heart-centered self-love. Soon, our inner tyrant becomes an outer tyrant and lashes out and ambushes people with the same words our abusers once used to tear down our self-confidence and self-trust.

The victim has now become the tyrant creating new victims.

How do we stop this insane cycle of abuse? How do we stop resenting people and stop projecting our inner tyrant onto them accusing them of being the tyrant? The process isn’t any easy one, but there are a few conscious steps you can start taking today:

  1. Recognize that you’re doing this and choose not to be ashamed about it. Hurt people hurt people, but you have the power to break the cycle.
  2. Let go of thinking you have to be right or that you must have all the answers now in order to feel or be perceived as worthy. No one knows everything; we’re all a work in progress.
  3. Shift your mind away from fear and toward love every time you sense hate, criticism or anger bubbling to the surface.

None of us wants to harm anyone. None of us wants to be abusive. But we can’t pretend we’re doing the best we can if we’re leaving people scratching their heads and wondering how they hurt us when it was our inner tyrant doing the harm all along.

Let go of the inner tyrant, so you can say hello to abundant inner and outer love.

Paula Carrasquillo, MA, RYT-200
yoga teacher and health coach
www.paulacarrasquillo.com 

Paula.Carrasquillo_Marriott_Serenity_PoolWork with me! If you’re interested in learning powerful tools and techniques to transform your body, mind and spirit and open new pathways to healing and reaching your highest potential self, contact me to learn about the programs and services I offer.

  • Disclaimer – The content of this website is provided for general informational purposes only and is not intended as, nor should it be considered a substitute for, professional medical advice. Do not use the information on this website for diagnosing or treating any medical health condition. If you have or suspect you have a medical health problem, promptly contact your professional healthcare provider.​

Retrain your brain; Breathwork for PTSD relief

It’s Loving Kindness Wednesday!

Last week, the DC metro area was hit by Snowzilla, which brought three feet of snow to some areas in Maryland and Virginia. Schools were cancelled; office buildings were closed. I worked from home while my son played from home. After six days of being cooped up inside juggling the challenges of working on a laptop with no extra monitor, dialing into teleconference calls and entertaining my son’s “boredom”, I was ready to go back to work.

Unfortunately, the roads and parking lots weren’t ready.

Thursday morning (which was six days after the snowfall), I spent 30 minutes circling the lot at work to find a spot. I couldn’t give up and go home, because I was scheduled to teach yoga onsite from noon to 1:00 p.m., and it was too late to track down a substitute. I finally found an “illegal” spot, parked, and hoped for the best. As I was walking from my car to the associate entrance, security called out to me and warned me that the spot in which I parked could result in someone accidentally ramming into the back of my car. By this point, I was already overly stressed and worried. I couldn’t allow the “possibility” that my car was going to get hit worry me more. So I explained to security that I didn’t have a choice and would return in about an hour to find a new spot. An hour later, I came back outside and discovered another much larger car, a van, parked behind mine. I thought, “OK. No one is going to have a problem seeing that car!” So I went back inside and finished out my work day.

Later, I made it home in time to make dinner for my son but had to go back out to teach my Thursday evening meditation class. I left my house 90 minutes before the session was to start thinking that would be plenty of time to travel the 15 miles to Bethesda. Well, at the 70-minute mark, I was in my car at a dead stop on Wisconsin Avenue surrounded by bumper-to-bumper traffic and snow piles higher than a city bus. I felt trapped. I looked at the time, and fear set in. “I’m not going to make it to class before my clients.” More anxiety washed over me, and I sensed panic bubbling beneath the surface. My body started getting warmer and warmer. I took off my coat, turned down the heat and paused. I shifted my mind away from the elements making me feel trapped — the snow, the cars, the time ticking by — and consciously began practicing my grounding techniques. After a few more minutes, I looked to the left of me. Miraculously, among the cars and snow, I saw an empty parking space on the corner of a cross street. I knew if I could maneuver to that spot, I’d be able to walk to my destination and get to class before my students. So I turned my wheel in the direction of the empty spot, switched on my turn signal and traffic parted to let me through. I was so grateful! I parked easily in the space and walked the rest of the way, making it to class 15 minutes before anyone else arrived.

In the not-so-distant past, I wouldn’t have made it to class. I would have remained stuck and trapped in my car, sweating, crying and feeling completely helpless. But through the power of mindful grounding exercises, I’ve been able to re-train my brain to handle stress and triggers healthier and with more positive results.

Trauma brain and the miracles of breathwork*

When in stressful situations, which includes being triggered and reliving past trauma, your sympathetic nervous system is instantly activated — your body constricts and becomes tense, your heart begins to race, your breath becomes labored and you find yourself fighting, taking flight, or freezing. In addition to these outward signs of stress, stress also induces your body to produce cortisol, a naturally occurring hormone that can become toxic at high levels resulting in damage and destruction of cells in your brain’s hippocampus. The hippocampus is responsible for coordination of all brain activity, specifically memory and learning. If your hippocampus is weakened by stress, you run the risk of losing your memory, your skills and your ability to learn new skills. Therefore, reducing and neutralizing stress in your life, especially in the midst of healing from past traumas, helps to normalize cortisol production in your body and bring balance and health to your central nervous system.

Luckily, there is a tool accessible to each of us that naturally has the power to heal us from the inside out…our breath!

Breathwork turns the mindless act of breathing into a mindful one and profoundly reduces and neutralize stress and trauma. Through breathwork, we consciously stimulate our voluntary nervous system by imposing specific rhythms and patterns on our breath while simultaneously reconditioning our involuntary nervous system patterns and neural pathways. In essence, we reset our conditioned responses and re-learn how to respond to stress and trauma from a place of awareness and consciousness. The result is a happier, healthier and more aware you!

One breath technique I learned and practice daily is 4-7-8 breathwork.

4-7-8 Breathwork

Dr. Andrew Weil, 4-7-8 breathing technique advocate and practitioner, believes everyone can benefit from breath work:

“Once you develop this breathing technique by practicing it every day, twice a day, it will be a very useful tool that you will always have with you. Use it whenever anything upsetting happens – before you react. Use it whenever you are aware of internal tension. Use it to help you fall asleep. Use it to deal with food cravings. Great for mild to moderate anxiety, this exercise cannot be recommended too highly. Everyone can benefit from it.”

The Technique

  • Relax your breathing and blow all of the air out through your mouth.
  • 4- Breathe in gently through your nose (with mouth shut) for 4 seconds.
  • 7- Hold the breath for 7 seconds.
  • 8- Push breath out through your mouth for 8 seconds.
  • Repeat 4 times, twice a day, every day. After 1 month, you can repeat 8 times, twice a day but never more than 8 times twice per day.
  • (Watch a demo by Dr. Weil)

Namaste,
Paula Carrasquillo, MA, RYT-200
love. life. om. yoga and health coaching
www.paulacarrasquillo.com

Work with me! There are many other forms of breathwork and exercises you can integrate into your lifestyle to transform your body, mind and spirit and open new pathways to healing and reaching your highest potential self. Contact me to learn more about the programs and services I offer.

*The content of this website is provided for general informational purposes only and is not intended as, nor should it be considered a substitute for, professional medical advice. Do not use the information on this website for diagnosing or treating any medical health condition. If you have or suspect you have a medical health problem, promptly contact your professional healthcare provider.​

Trauma Purge and the Surprise of Letting Go

It’s Loving Kindness Wednesday!

I took the attached picture last week in Maui. After snapping the shot, I looked at the image and thought, “That’s not what I thought I was taking a picture of. This looks like a flame shooting up through the waves!!”

It was so unexpected and such a wonderful surprise. A lot like how it feels when we’re moving through transformation and out of trauma and into our greatest potential self. The unexpected happens frequently regardless of the tools we use to release our trapped trauma, emotions and pain. 

A tool I use and recommend others to practice is yoga. But yoga isn’t the gentle kind of release one might think it is. It’s powerful and intense. 

Through movements and holdings of the body simultaneously with the breath, yoga loosens trauma in preparation for the ultimate purge, cleansing and letting go of trauma. 

Loosening too much too quickly is not recommended. Otherwise, you run the risk of re-traumatizing yourself and creating an even thicker block of compacted and congested emotional and spiritual “gunk”. 

Preferably, begin or reintroduce yoga by easing into a practice of yin or guided meditation. These types of tools are slower and more focused, allowing for a gentle emergence of accumulated trauma, stress and anxiety. Connected to this accumulation of gunk are your fears partnered with all the self-sabotaging tools the gunk set as your default whenever faced with relationship challenges. So as the gunk surfaces, expect to be swiftly and unexpectedly overcome with even more intense sensations of the following: self-doubt, self-judgment, shame, remorse, regret, lack of self-respect, etc. 

Fortunately and with more practice, instead of cycling through the loop of these destructive emotions, you will recognize and be aware of them. When you are aware of them, they have no power or control over your actions, behaviors and/or treatment of others. When you’re aware of them, you accept them for the tricksters that they are and simultaneously let them go.

The letting go process may happen unexpectedly. You’ll know when it’s happening. No need for me to spoil the surprise.

Paula Carrasquillo, yoga teacher and health coach

The 5 things to expect of yourself while detaching from outcomes

It’s Loving Kindness Wednesday!

You are unique. Your needs and desires are individual. Your path and direction will never align step-by-step with the path and direction of others. Nor will it align perfectly with any rigid plans or expectations you assign yourself or the “counsel” others may attempt to impose upon you.

It’s impossible to predict or know exactly who you will encounter or what hidden gems you may find along your path. But if you set out on your journey with a fixed agenda with no wiggle room, you run the risk of missing or dismissing what could potentially be the very person or experience you desire and can lead you to more amazing people and experiences.

To pack for your journey, all you need is yourself. Keep your heart and mind open to possibilities and not closed because of past conditioning or experiences. We all make missteps and find ourselves in less-than-desirable positions. But that doesn’t mean we have to surrender to the misstep or remain miserable in the aftermath of a crappy situation.

Surrendering to the bad only perpetuates more bad. Why would you want to create more of that in your life? You wouldn’t, so stop!!

You have the power inside of you to manifest and experience everything you seek: love, joy, peace, happiness, and freedom. Tapping into that power is as simple as meditating on your divine being and acknowledging that you are not just your body or your mind but an infinite, expansive and explosive ball of energy and light…you are the sun.

Once you accept this, your journey into your highest potential will begin. Although remaining detached from outcomes is vital to the momentum and forward movement of your journey, there are a few things you must expect of yourself:

1. Be honest with yourself and others while being true to your gut and intuition. 

2. Act and think with integrity. From moment to moment, we are a representation of our thoughts and actions. Our thoughts and actions determine if we choose self-doubt or self-confidence. If the self-doubt creeps in, send yourself loving kindness and ask a close friend to send you some too.

3. Don’t expect others to care about your journey; they have their own sh*t to worry about. Being in-tune with yourself is hard enough; expecting others to be in-tune with your every heartbeat and breath is unrealistic. Embrace the nuggets of connection that do happen but don’t get discouraged when you recognize a disconnect even when it happens between you and someone whom you thought knew you so well. C’est la vie! 

4. Mourn your losses and celebrate your victories but don’t wallow in defeat or get caught up in the trappings of your ego. Otherwise, you may miss the next opportunity!

5. Above all, never ever make a decision just to please others or to save them discomfort. More often than not, these types of decisions result in your displeasure and discomfort, which eventually leads to displeasure and discomfort for all. Just because you admire a person, doesn’t mean the steps that person took to get to where she is today are the exact steps you should take. Your gut speaks loudly and never lies; listen to it above all else. If advice from a friend doesn’t fit with your spirit, don’t be afraid to decline the advice. A true friend admires and honors you especially when you’re acting from a place of awareness and connection to spirit.

Namaste,

Paula Carrasquillo

#lovelifeom #lovingkindness #mauisunset #marriott #lovetravels 

Loving Kindness Wednesday: Healing Tip of the Week

Introducing…

Loving Kindness Wednesdays: Self-Care Tools and Techniques to Infuse Your Healing Journey with Love and Compassion

Beginning today and every Wednesday, I’ll be sharing a holistic and mindful practice that has helped me heal, become grounded, and move in the direction of my greatest potential.

To kick off Loving Kindness Wednesday, the first practice I recommend and highly encourage everyone to begin today is…

Journaling!

Now before you start rolling your eyes at me, telling yourself you don’t have time to write every day, or judging yourself as a crappy writer, I want to explain a few things:

1) Journaling doesn’t require perfect spelling, punctuation or even complete sentences. 

2) Journaling is about sharing your thoughts with yourself, no one else.

3) Journaling reveals your inner poet; maybe not during your first entry, but I guarantee after a few days you’ll wonder if the words came from your mind or were divinely channeled from above.

4) Journaling is a form of meditation and has the power to ease stress, anxiety and PTSD triggers. I could bore you to death with personal proof and testimonials supporting this, so I’ll just let my years of writing and blogging serve as evidence. If you’ve read my first book, Escaping the Boy, and followed this blog, you know and have been witness to my emotional, mental and spiritual transformation over the past four years. It works!!

5) Journaling helps you remember things you’ve forgotten, good and bad. Writing down the bad helps you to finally purge yourself of the attached shame, regret, anger and remorse. Writing down the good re-teaches you how to see the joy in life with the same eyes you used as a child. 

To get started, choose your medium, paper or electronic entries. Choose both if you like; I do. My new favorite electronic form of journaling is an app called Day One. With the app, you can password protect your writing, set up reminders to post, add an image to entries, tag your entries, and even include the location of where you were when you made your entry. The app has made my journaling practice a safe, rewarding and effortless one.

Once you decide how you’ll make your entries, set aside 10 to 20 minutes to write an entry every day for the next 21 days. After 21 days, let me know how it’s impacted your well-being and enthusiasm for transformation.

It’s never too late to begin again and manifest happiness from the inside out. Make journaling your newest healthy habit and ignite your healing journey today!

Have a beautiful Wednesday filled with loving kindness for yourself and the ones you love. If you’re already dedicated to journaling, please share your thoughts in the comments below.

Namaste,
Paula Carrasquillo

©2016 Paula Carrasquillo at love. life. om. 

Day One (Journal / Notes / Diary) by Bloom Built, LLC

https://appsto.re/us/ESRiz.i

Why I will never be ashamed for speaking out against my abusers

The following comment was left on my FB page by a person in a homeless shelter in San Diego, California who knows and is comforting a “poor” homeless man who happens to be the same man who was my abuser when I was 18, more that 25 years ago.

“So what? Sociopaths always change. Why does it matter to you if the sociopath changes? Why not focus on your own changes and transformation?” – you

It is greatly concerning to me that you are labeling people, without having the necessary degree to do so, and further, causing someone suffering, for, apparently, hurting you almost 30 years ago. It seems you are hiding behind righteousness, and while i would love to believe that you are sincere, anyone that can continue to harm an already mentally-challenged individual with continuous libel on the Internet is NOT enlightened in the least. While i support you in all aspects of your recovery, i absolutely object to you vilifying your “teachers” from the past, and certainly, misdiagnosing their mental state and then maliciously plastering it all over the Internet. Is that your revenge? Because if so, it’s working. i am in a service group and work for the homeless. The homeless individual you name online over and over is traumatized by your online attacks, and makes sure that everyone he meets “Googles” him so that they can hear it from him first. It is obvious that this is more harmful to him than his voluminous online arrest records. He is no saint, but we are not here to judge, only to learn. What you obviously didn’t learn from choosing him as a teacher a age 18, since you continue to repeat the pattern, is that all truth is within. He was only a mirror for you to learn from. You may well have broken him. i hope you’re satisfied. #Shameful

ps. You obviously have free speech to do whatever you want. But when words are used as a weapon to harm others, that is abuse, too. If you are trying to improve yourself, i would suggest not further harming the mental health of your former lovers. Just a suggestion.


My Response

First of all, my book Escaping the Boy and the majority of my early blog posts are about an abusive relationship I was in my mid-30’s and not about your homeless friend beating and torturing me when I was 18. I haven’t finished writing that book yet.

So let me clarify a few more things for you:

Your homeless friend is a repeat, convicted felon who has tortured and harmed many, many people across Florida, Maryland, Pennsylvania and California without remorse or concern for anyone. Thanks to my “revengeful” posts, many of his victims have been able to find closure and understanding. Your homeless friend has had many opportunities in the past 25 years to repent and change his actions. Multiple arrests certainly haven’t helped him; being in front of multiple judges certainly didn’t light a fire under his ass to change, have they? But a few blog posts that I’ve written and posted in the past 3 years detailing each of his latest arrests have awakened his conscience? No, it’s not his conscience that’s been awakened. It’s the simple fact that there are fewer unsuspecting people he can approach and torture at-will. He’s been cornered and he doesn’t like it, the same way he corned me and countless other victims from his past.

You don’t know this homeless man. This poor homeless man. You’re being manipulated by him. He’s giving you his sob story…the same one he gave me…I’m sure. Yes, he told me he was tortured and abused by his father. Yes, he witnessed the tragic death of his friend as a result of a wreck less car accident when he was a teenager. But he was offered lots and lots of help and support during that period, and he chose to be the angry and revengeful person he turned out to be. We all know people who were abused as children who did not turn their pain onto others as an outlet for finding THEIR REVENGE on society. So do not judge me for stating facts about a danger to society, okay?

I was 18. It was a week after graduating from high school when your friend dragged me onto a beach late at night and decided to kick me, force my face into the sand, and repeatedly threaten to kill me. He said it would be my last night on the planet. I was ready to die. Luckily, I got away from him because he exhausted himself while I kept frozen. I was only the first of his many victims. I remained silent about that night and other nights he abused me during our short 6-month relationship. I remained silent for over 2 decades until I escaped another danger to society (“The Boy” in my first book), and I vowed never to be silent again.

Your friend beats women, men, police, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers–any one who gets in his way. You are dealing with a deranged human being who will stop at nothing to convince you that he is the true victim. So don’t come to this page preaching to me about how uneducated or unqualified I am to tell my story. You didn’t live it; you weren’t tortured and harmed by your homeless friend. Not yet.

Shit.

It took me 2 decades to understand why sand under my toes made me panic. It took me 2 decades to understand the source of my depression and pain. It took me lots and lots of inner work to reveal the reason I allowed another abuser to enter my life in my 30’s and attempt to destroy me. I work every single day to undo the harm your homeless friend and “the boy” inflicted upon me. My friends and family were collateral damage. I owe it to my loved ones not to go silent ever again.

Today, your homeless friend is suffering from the humiliation of his own acts. Instead of choosing to self-reflect, he sends his latest victim to his rescue? If you’re a mental health professional with credentials and certification, you are the very reason people like me are out here. This isn’t a revenge page. This is justice. I’ve paid my dues; it’s time your homeless friend stopped crying and paid his too.


If anyone would like to read additional accounts of this poor, homeless man’s abuse against me, read the introduction to my second book, Unashamed Voices.

If anyone would like to read the posts I shared about this abuser, I’ve listed them here to make it easy for you:

And for anyone else who would like to defend this poor, homeless man and shame me for speaking out, save your breath. Why not hire a slimy lawyer and try suing me for libel and defamation instead? In the United States, it’s the burden of the prosecution to prove libel and defamation. It will take many, many hours and dollars to search for an inkling of proof that I’m a liar. And Cease and Desist letters don’t scare me either, so save your money.

Namaste,
Paula Carrasquillo
yogi. author. advocate.

© 2015 Paula Carrasquillo and love. life. om.

Will the sociopath change? Yes…but you will transform!!!

You feel like you’re in a good place; you’ve been making healthy changes in your lifestyle. You may have quit smoking or lost weight or landed a great new job. But doubts about your worth continue to creep into your thoughts. You second-guess yourself and even doubt the sociopath is really a sociopath and that maybe everything that happened was really you’re fault after all. 

These doubts you’re experiencing are normal due to many factors, the least of which is your lack of validation and justice in the aftermath. But justice is coming, and it begins within.

You’re biggest questions seem to be, “What if he/she can change? What if he/she has changed?”

My question for you is, “So what? Sociopaths always change. Why does it matter to you if the sociopath changes? Why not focus on your own changes and transformation?” Besides, profound, core change and transformation consists of phases and actions an individual must take, resulting in relearning, reconditioning and an altertered state of one’s default system. The types of changes a sociopath makes are only surface changes based on the sociopath’s need to appear a certain way in order to gain money, status, sex, and popularity. There’s no self-reflection required and no tapping into or questioning their core values.

Unfortunately, most people think changing habits is indicative of change. It’s not. Sociopaths are master chameleons and can adapt to any environment; it may look like profound change from the outside, but the same mirroring technique and the same self-motivating factors activated and used when the sociopath was with you and adapting to your individuality and environment are the same he/she’s using with his new girlfriend/boyfriend or group of friends he/she’s currently duping into believing he/she’s a good guy.

Once you make the choice to focus on yourself, worrying about the sociopath and what the sociopath is doing or not doing falls away. Obviously, thoughts of him/her are going to creep in. You’ll be tempted to compare your progress and growth to the sociopath’s, and you will even find yourself wondering if he/she would approve of all the remarkable accomplishments you’ve made. There’s nothing wrong with these thoughts. However, they’re indicative that you’re still bonded to the sociopath and dependent upon the sociopath’s approval. I recommend looking into cord cutting techniques and practices. We’re all energy influencing and impacting each other. But once you build your force field and refuse to allow his energy to penetrate your peace of mind, you’ll take yourself to places you never thought possible.

We all possess a light side and a dark side, or more appropriately called our shadow side. You may have been attracted to your sociopath’s bad boy/bad girl persona, because that dark behavior reflected a shadow side of yourself that you had never explored. You were essentially attracted to your shadow self reflecting off the sociopath.

I recommend exploring your shadow side and understand that it is the self-destructive side of our nature that takes over when we allow other people, groups, or situations to control and dictate our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Think of a crowd mentality; people do stupid things due to crowd influences that they wouldn’t do alone. On an individual relationship level between ourselves and a romantic partner, this surrender of our core values happens when we put ourselves in the hands of another who claims he has our best interests at heart. This type of surrender leads to suffering when our partner acts from a place of self-interest and not from a place of love and compassion. We think his/her behaviors come from the same place inside his/her core that we activate when we behave the same. Mirroring is only surface; beneath the surface, their motivation is drastically different and opposed to our motivation.

Below is link to a site that outlines the phases of change leading to transformation. Ignore the fact it focuses on organizational transformation; the curve and details apply at the individual level too (and the book I’m currently writing applies recovery from toxic relationships to this change management approach).

Where do you think you currently fall within this curve?

http://www.changemanagementpro.com/9-stages-of-transformational-change/

Namaste,
Paula Carrasquillo
Advocate and Author

%d bloggers like this: