The following comment was left on my FB page by a person in a homeless shelter in San Diego, California who knows and is comforting a “poor” homeless man who happens to be the same man who was my abuser when I was 18, more that 25 years ago.
“So what? Sociopaths always change. Why does it matter to you if the sociopath changes? Why not focus on your own changes and transformation?” – you
It is greatly concerning to me that you are labeling people, without having the necessary degree to do so, and further, causing someone suffering, for, apparently, hurting you almost 30 years ago. It seems you are hiding behind righteousness, and while i would love to believe that you are sincere, anyone that can continue to harm an already mentally-challenged individual with continuous libel on the Internet is NOT enlightened in the least. While i support you in all aspects of your recovery, i absolutely object to you vilifying your “teachers” from the past, and certainly, misdiagnosing their mental state and then maliciously plastering it all over the Internet. Is that your revenge? Because if so, it’s working. i am in a service group and work for the homeless. The homeless individual you name online over and over is traumatized by your online attacks, and makes sure that everyone he meets “Googles” him so that they can hear it from him first. It is obvious that this is more harmful to him than his voluminous online arrest records. He is no saint, but we are not here to judge, only to learn. What you obviously didn’t learn from choosing him as a teacher a age 18, since you continue to repeat the pattern, is that all truth is within. He was only a mirror for you to learn from. You may well have broken him. i hope you’re satisfied. #Shameful
ps. You obviously have free speech to do whatever you want. But when words are used as a weapon to harm others, that is abuse, too. If you are trying to improve yourself, i would suggest not further harming the mental health of your former lovers. Just a suggestion.
My Response
First of all, my book Escaping the Boy and the majority of my early blog posts are about an abusive relationship I was in my mid-30’s and not about your homeless friend beating and torturing me when I was 18. I haven’t finished writing that book yet.
So let me clarify a few more things for you:
Your homeless friend is a repeat, convicted felon who has tortured and harmed many, many people across Florida, Maryland, Pennsylvania and California without remorse or concern for anyone. Thanks to my “revengeful” posts, many of his victims have been able to find closure and understanding. Your homeless friend has had many opportunities in the past 25 years to repent and change his actions. Multiple arrests certainly haven’t helped him; being in front of multiple judges certainly didn’t light a fire under his ass to change, have they? But a few blog posts that I’ve written and posted in the past 3 years detailing each of his latest arrests have awakened his conscience? No, it’s not his conscience that’s been awakened. It’s the simple fact that there are fewer unsuspecting people he can approach and torture at-will. He’s been cornered and he doesn’t like it, the same way he corned me and countless other victims from his past.
You don’t know this homeless man. This poor homeless man. You’re being manipulated by him. He’s giving you his sob story…the same one he gave me…I’m sure. Yes, he told me he was tortured and abused by his father. Yes, he witnessed the tragic death of his friend as a result of a wreck less car accident when he was a teenager. But he was offered lots and lots of help and support during that period, and he chose to be the angry and revengeful person he turned out to be. We all know people who were abused as children who did not turn their pain onto others as an outlet for finding THEIR REVENGE on society. So do not judge me for stating facts about a danger to society, okay?
I was 18. It was a week after graduating from high school when your friend dragged me onto a beach late at night and decided to kick me, force my face into the sand, and repeatedly threaten to kill me. He said it would be my last night on the planet. I was ready to die. Luckily, I got away from him because he exhausted himself while I kept frozen. I was only the first of his many victims. I remained silent about that night and other nights he abused me during our short 6-month relationship. I remained silent for over 2 decades until I escaped another danger to society (“The Boy” in my first book), and I vowed never to be silent again.
Your friend beats women, men, police, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers–any one who gets in his way. You are dealing with a deranged human being who will stop at nothing to convince you that he is the true victim. So don’t come to this page preaching to me about how uneducated or unqualified I am to tell my story. You didn’t live it; you weren’t tortured and harmed by your homeless friend. Not yet.
Shit.
It took me 2 decades to understand why sand under my toes made me panic. It took me 2 decades to understand the source of my depression and pain. It took me lots and lots of inner work to reveal the reason I allowed another abuser to enter my life in my 30’s and attempt to destroy me. I work every single day to undo the harm your homeless friend and “the boy” inflicted upon me. My friends and family were collateral damage. I owe it to my loved ones not to go silent ever again.
Today, your homeless friend is suffering from the humiliation of his own acts. Instead of choosing to self-reflect, he sends his latest victim to his rescue? If you’re a mental health professional with credentials and certification, you are the very reason people like me are out here. This isn’t a revenge page. This is justice. I’ve paid my dues; it’s time your homeless friend stopped crying and paid his too.
If anyone would like to read additional accounts of this poor, homeless man’s abuse against me, read the introduction to my second book, Unashamed Voices.
If anyone would like to read the posts I shared about this abuser, I’ve listed them here to make it easy for you:
- May 13, 2013 – Because it never stops, I can never stop
- May 29, 2014 – My first abuser is PROOF that abusers DO NOT change and only get worse
And for anyone else who would like to defend this poor, homeless man and shame me for speaking out, save your breath. Why not hire a slimy lawyer and try suing me for libel and defamation instead? In the United States, it’s the burden of the prosecution to prove libel and defamation. It will take many, many hours and dollars to search for an inkling of proof that I’m a liar. And Cease and Desist letters don’t scare me either, so save your money.
Your Healing Frequency 
28 responses to “Why I will never be ashamed for speaking out against my abusers”
Excellent response. I am sorry you got that message from her. She has no idea who she is dealing with , or how good psychopaths are at lying to elicit emotional responses like pity.
Annie💕🎀💕
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Paula,
This volunteer has fallen victim to a play in the Sociopath’s Handbook: “Actively campaign for the sympathy of others”. As well as, “Pretending to be the victim.”
Whoever this volunteer is, has been fooled.
Keep doing what you’re doing. I support and believe you just like I support and believe all the victims of Bill Cosby!
So girl, do what a dog does, kick some grass over that shit and move on. Don’t even let this person get under your skin. 🙂
Love you,
Susan
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Go Paula! Awesome! ❤
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Thank you, deeinnz!
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You Go Girl! I love it, Abuse from covert narcissists can take many forms, and the abusers are both men and women; myself, my parents and my family were put through 9 years of living hell by an ex-sister-in-law who is a Pathological Liar with no conscience. Her brutal assault took the form of deliberately telling premeditated, lethal Lies in order to do as much malicious financial damage as possible to us. Every time I confronted her she would respond with the “weeping, wailing, crybaby con act,” which is consistent with how a psychopath reacts, and then snap at me, “I don’t want to hear about it!” This ex-narcissist was as slippery as a greased chicken snake when it came to being pinned down about her abusive behavior, and every time I have spoken out to others about the situation, I get the exact same response, she runs to a slimy lawyer, sends a response obviously intended to intimidate me into silence. Oh Yes, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for this post, I feel the exact same way. NEVER be ashamed to speak out against an abuser; that is part of the psychopath’s arsenal of weapons is to “shame” their victims into silence or discredit us or act like “we are idiots”, whatever.
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Thank you, Gayle. They are quick to involve the courts and/or the police because they’re incapable of facing themselves and coming to an understanding with civility. We are left with no option other than putting them on blast to the world. They live in darkness and denial. They seek out and EASILY find new supply to brainwash into thinking they’re kind, good souls who were “done wrong” by a crazy person. But they will never come to their own defense. That’s why they hire lawyers, involve the court system, and recruit their “followers” to do the dirty work. But we can’t be afraid of these undermining tactics. I won’t remain a victim of people like this. I work toward improving myself everyday and will remain vigilant to defend against any attempt to make me out to be anything less than a compassionate, conscious, aware, and knowing person. They’re the idiots, not us. 🙂
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OMG, in reply to your comment: “That’s why they hire lawyers, involve the court system, and recruit their “followers” to do the dirty work.” My story of what happened with the ex-sister-in-law who is a narcissist is so long and complicated I would have to write hundreds of emails to explain it. I will try to be brief. She married my brother when she was 19 and spent the years of their marriage “milking” us for a free college education up to a Master’s Degree in Social work. During those years she worked as an activity director in a nursing home. Oh how she loved the elderly, she was the “Patron Saint” of nursing homes. It had nothing to do with being altruistic, it is easy for a narcissist to feel powerful over elderly people in nursing homes. It took years for me to understand how she could wage a covert campaign to rape my elderly parents out of their retirement money, their land, and every dime she could bleed us out of. In 1998, I finally got fed up with her narcissist LIES and got in her face about all of it. That is exactly how she reacted to me by hiring lawyers and coming after me in order to intimidate me into silence about all of the fraud, grand larceny, auto theft, and felonies that were committed by her and her family against us. We stood firm and drove her out of the door, and she ended it with a temper tantrum in our lawyer’s office that was a big, fat pack of insults hurled at my parents. It was done in such a cowardly, behind the back way, she had to get the “last word.” I continued to smolder because I never got to have a normal, two way conversation with her about all of her Lies and empty promises she made. I erupted at her in 2002 and left a message on her phone confronting her about the damage she did to us (no threats). She immediately had a letter sent to me from a ProtectTexas agency like I was some kind of “crazy person” harrassing her. I fired back an 8 page letter describing all of her Lies and con jobs. She responded by hiring a lawyer to write me and disdainfully dismissed my letter as a “letter writing campaign.” She ignored the 8 page letter that I cried over as I wrote it because of the hurt she did to my mother, father, me, my children. I fired back another letter to her lawyer saying, she wants to sue me, bring it on! “I know very well I can stand up and tell the truth.” That seems to have intimidated her into silence. Oh, You go girl, you are so right on!
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More than likely, the individual supporting your ex is not only being manipulated by him, but has traits similar to his. I have found that the only people that are sympathetic to my ex are people who are just like him. Or they have simply not heard all the facts (as he has prevented them from hearing my side and seeing the evidence) and continue to be kept in the dark about what really happened. It is easy to support someone when it seems at first glance to just be one person’s word against another’s.
If the other person is entrenched in the same patterns of thought as the narcissist (sociopath), it is unlikely that they would ever be swayed either – as almost 25 years later, my ex still claims to be the victim and takes NO responsibility for any of his actions (some of which were illegal/criminal). HIs response is that if he wasn’t legally caught doing it (charged or convicted), it never happened. What’s even worse, is that every once in awhile (when it benefits him) he will tell the legal system that he has changed and then proceed to act perfectly for about two weeks. Just enough to give the judge and his lawyer (and whoever he is with at the time) hope that he could change.
I have no desire to embarrass or shame my ex, but I also will no longer hide my story or cover up for him. He continues to send me texts that state you are “a piece of shit,” “shame on you,” you need “to be accountable for your bullshit,” “i hope you are proud of yourself,” “you keep rubbing it in,” “you’re greedy,” “you’re taking credit for what I did,” and that he’s going to track my “craziness,” that I’ve “conditioned the children,” that the children are “little shits.,” plus the usual you are a “fucking cow,” “freak,” “psycho bitch,” etc.
He recently became physical with his latest girlfriend and my 14 year old son (who was on a weekend visit) had to intervene. Yet he blamed everyone else for his behaviour. That it was “the stress” and “the bullshit” that was making him act that way. So I am glad that you have no plans to stop speaking on this issue. While I think it is important to have professional support and guidance, I also feel that it is equally important for women (and men) who have gone through this type of experience to freely share their story with others. I think most of us try to present the story in as balanced a way as possible (depending where we are in our individual journeys).
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Thank you so much for your very insightful share!! I prefer not to think the commenter is like the “homeless man”, but I do believe the commenter was highly influenced by him. Personally, this blog has served as therapy for me. Without it, I do not believe I’d be where I am on my journey. It’s truly a chronological history of my progress toward acceptance, change and transformation. My early posts have a very different “voice” than my more recent posts. The journey is always evolving and so are the individuals attracted to it. It’s a beautiful thing! 🙂
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Reblogged this on World Peace Forum.
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To the do-gooder-bayoch-in-the-homeless-shelter, kindly take your “degree”-worship, and shove that IDOL into the pit – from where it spewed forth. Meanwhile, the bloggers who expose the stark-raving EVIL that narcs do, are truely doing good. Yeah, big difference.
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Thank you, Susanbotchie. 🙂
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I am here via Carrie’s Lady With a Truck blog…omg…GOD BLESSSSSSSSS YOU BOTH!!!!!
…these monster’s walk among us and we are so vulnerable…thank you BOTH sooooo much for BEING HERE!!!!
OMG…thank GOD for you and Carrie and Chump Lady and Kim Saeed!!!!
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Thank you and you’re welcome, Jeep. I’m extremely glad we’re all here working together to spread as much information and awareness as we can. 🙂
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Oh boo ho so now it’s “bullying” to write about your experience with abuse. That is something new I just learned about what a bully is. So the “victim” is traumatized, good. Maybe then he will be too traumatized to continue his abuse. Karma got him. I also think you were pretty brave to use his real name because I am always worried about harassment if my ex came across my blog and saw what I wrote about her (She was a he when we dated) and convince others I am the liar and make me out to be the bad guy.
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Thank you, Momof2. I felt like I had no choice but to use his name directly as it pertained to his public arrests spanning 25 years. Every time he’d get arrested over the years, I’d get a call, text, or email from someone letting me know. I couldn’t escape being reminded of what he did to me. I finally had enough and decided to purge myself of the triggers caused by learning the news each of his arrests. To leave out his name wouldn’t have served me or any of the victims who followed me. My blog posts are like breadcrumbs for his victims seeking validation and some sort of explanation. At least that’s the way I’d like to look at it. 🙂
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Love this! Way to stand up and be a voice for those going thru the same thing. My abusive ex plays the victim very well also. After being convicted by a 12 member jury on aggravated stalking which is a felony he is now high up in a church over the youth and volunteers. And is on a committee to help others who suffer injustice.
I find it so disturbing that a convicted abusive felon can manipulate himself into a position of power at a church. But just as your ex has done he plays the victim very well and seems like such a sweet poor wronged man!
I have followed your story ever since leaving my ex over four years ago. I just want to say thank you for bringing attention sociopathic behavior and thanks for a place to read to not feel alone
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Thank you, Dawn. It’s really disturbing how easily so many are fooled by their charm and pity plays. I can’t be upset with the ones who are fooled, but I certainly don’t have to stand back and take the onslaught of ignorance spewed by them in my direction.
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Paula you are correct, there is NOT good IN every person…that’s a centuries OLD BS of religious misconceptions. All life is not precious, at least NOT TO ME. Bad to evil, is BAD TO EVIL and NO amount of help will ever change EVIL and BAD. The condition(s) of life is not one of goodness! Reality is that those conditions that create bad/evil don’t give a damn about what that bad/evil DOES to good! It is the business of every human to RECOGNIZE when evil/bad is in their environment and take proper actions…against it. Today’s world has many great ways to help but they are not enough, every person NEEDS TO EDUCATE themselves about the types of personalities that continue to harm people around them. Paula, you and your work have helped do this…so please continue on.
thank you
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Paula, YOU ROCK!! well said. I had to chuckle reading the comment, they are falling down the rabbit hole and are in for one rude awakening some day. Big hugs to you. You. Are. Awesome. and that pisses him off so much!!
The thing is, how would any one find your blog unless he told them about it or you and why would he do that unless he is looking for sympathy. Can we spell m.a.n.p.u.l.a.t..i.o.n.? and then…… hahaha to top it all off, the blog and book aren’t even about him!! That song “You’re so Vane” comes to mind.
Love you!!
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That song came to mind when I first read her comment too!! I can’t allow a perfect stranger’s ignorance to destroy everything I’ve worked so hard to create and bring to others. And she keeps tweeting to me on Twitter. It’s insanity. I’m tempted to contact the police in San Diego if she doesn’t respond to my request to please stop.
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He’s now fooling this woman who is now supporting his disgusting lifestyle. It’s a real example of victim blaming. They have to be exposed to protect current and future victims. You’re doing exactly the right thing Paula.
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Thank you, Kaye.
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Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
I felt like jumping up and yelling “YES!!!! YOU GO GIRLFRIEND!!!” while I fist pumped the air. Paula is someone I like to consider a good friend, who I have gotten to know through our blogs on surviving domestic abuse. She has helped me emotionally, financially and by the example she sets in the blogging world. She is a professional writer who has a way with words I can only hope to ever attain. I think the world of Paula and from reading her blog through the years I know how hard she has worked to get past the abuse and in the process make the journey easier for those who come behind her by lighting the way and removing stumbling stones.I have never once seen a post from her that was the least bit revengeful.
She, like me does not care enough about her ex’s to spend her life trying to destroy his.
I had to chuckle when I read the comment Paula received admonishing her for slandering their “friend” and Paula wasn’t even writing about the “friend”. In’t that so typical of a self centered sociopath/narcissist to think it is all about them.
In the 4 years I have read Paula’s blog I can remember one post about her first ex, the “friend”.
The person commenting telling of how the friend has people he meet Google his name so he can get his story out. Excuse me, how would any new friends of his even know about Paula if he didn’t tell them? That is what I wonder about James too. The only way anyone he know would find my blog about my experiences with him, would be if he gave them my blog address. Why on earth would he do that? because, there are always people out there who they can suck into doing their dirty work and feeling sorry for them. Some bleeding heart that thinks they will give this poor soul the love and support they need to change their ways and then they can pat themselves on the back and show the world how they saved this lost soul. Well, they are in for a rude awakening when he does the same thing to them, and who will they blame then? they won’t be able to say they weren’t warned. My God, the person even mentions his long rap sheet.
Why do people like Paula, Kim, Kelly, me and so many others write the blogs we do? even years after we have been away from the abuser; because we want to save as many people as we can from the same pain and torture we went through. Welfare expects me to live off of the donations from my blog which is impossible, at the most I get just over hundred dollars a month, sometimes more when someone is feeling especially generous. I am forever grateful for all the help I have gotten and say thank you daily for all the help I have gotten but I never started the blog to make money and when I said that to the welfare office the worker was genuinely taken back, she snorted and said, “Why would you put that much time and effort into something you aren’t getting paid to do?”
I laughed out loud at how genuinely puzzled she was. I said, “Believe it or not, some people do things out of the goodness of their hearts. I will never get rid of my blog, I will never stop speaking out about abuse, I will remove my donation button if it bothers you that much but I have helped hundreds of people with testimonials to prove it. I blog in hopes of saving others from suffering the same hell \i went through. I really feel bad for you, I could never do your job, I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night.” and I hung up. Probably didn’t do my case with welfare any good but sometimes people are just too ignorant and shallow to ignore.
Anyway, Paula never backs down from confrontation because Paula never says anything stupid hahaha it’s the truth. More people should learn to get the facts before they start spouting off, because they really do make themselves look foolish.
I am immensely proud of how Paula handled this commenter. Well said my friend!! YOU ROCK!!!!
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Thank you, Carrie! I was sickened this morning waking up to the commenter’s words. My first thought was to feel shame. But luckily that feeling was fleeting, and I moved into a mode of reasoning and facts. I can’t allow someone like this who doesn’t know me, my history, my struggles, or my mission to destroy me. She’s just feeding off his sad story and targeting me as the reason he’s so broken. If he’s really broken now, it’s his own undoing. It’s not because of my blog. This is the same person who tried sending me a Facebook friend request and called me a lesbian, bitch dike because I accepted it and then blasted him on his own profile page. He hasn’t learned anything other than how to groom his newest victim with more accuracy and precision. 😦
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Paula, you go girl! I’m with you all the way! You have helped so many come forth with new courage and hope for themselves. You have helped me greatly! Thank you!
I also will never apology or be intimidated by another one who wants to ‘defend’ my abuser(s). I’m currently still exposing a ‘blood relative’ who continues to write lies/fabrications about myself, family just to satisfy her ‘need’ to feel good about herself. Abusers liars NEVER CHANGE, they just find more victims!
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Thank you, Gert! It’s amazing how easily these people can fool and brainwash other caring and unsuspecting folks who believe there is good in everyone. I’m sorry, but there isn’t good in everyone. If there were, neither of us nor the countless others who have lived similar experiences would feel obligated to speak out and fight against the insanity just to maintain our dignity.
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I love this…and I love you, too.
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