Work, stress, and trying to do too much finally caught up with me. I’m sick.

The signs that I needed to slow down have been there for months. I couldn’t find my spark. I didn’t feel “all-in” about anything life threw my way. Even journaling and blogging were elusive. I failed to finish any critical thinking exercise I started. I’d write a few sentences and abandon the effort mid-stream. Being unable to follow through left me feeling incomplete and impotent in all areas of my life.

A holistic slump. It sucked!

Then I decided to quit my coffee habit this past Sunday. Why? The timing of this decision is beyond my full understanding, but there is no doubt quitting helped my body and my mind wake up…ironically. Eliminating caffeine instantly threw my body into a whirlwind of weirdness: Headaches. Body aches. Nausea. And a cold!?!?

Luckily, these detox side effects moved quickly, and light is once again shining freely into my world. I sense the return of joy, clarity, and freedom of body, mind, and spirit. I look around at my surroundings, and instead of feeling dread at the thought of living out my day, I’m anxious to be creative and explore new possibilities and new ideas.

What a welcome relief after months of feeling stuck and unmotivated.

My biggest struggle lately, and most likely the biggest reason I allowed my energy and verve to be depleted, has been finding the courage to let go of my blog. For the past two years, off and on, I’ve had the urge to delete it. But doing that seemed so senseless. My blog, despite being filled with anger, grief, and sadness, served a great purpose for my own awakening and for that of others (at least that’s the feedback I receive from kind readers). Although hitting the delete button seemed drastic, I couldn’t ignore feeling like the blog hung over me like a dark cloud interfering with my journey toward greater truth, abundance, and higher energy.

I needed a plan. A transitional plan. Change management on an individual level was necessary, because continuing to help people without a solid plan or approach was killing me. Unfortunately, finding the time to build a plan seemed impossible while simultaneously writing posts, responding to comments, responding to emails, and taking phone calls. I was doing these things on top of working full-time as a web content developer, working weekends teaching meditation, going to school to become a health coach, and taking care of my family.

What was I thinking? Well, I wasn’t thinking clearly, that’s for certain. I was allowing the needs of others to come before my own. I was unable to find a balance between helping myself and helping others. Replenish myself and replenish hope in others. But I can’t stop serving others. I’ve tried to stop, thinking, “You must stop helping others”, was how I was meant to interpret the message. It wasn’t the correct interpretation of the message. The correct interpretation is, “Stop for now. Rejuvenate yourself. Devise a sustainable plan of action.”

I was and continue to be guided by a force greater than myself. That force is asking me not to give up what I started four years ago. It’s asking me to allow the same energy I used when I began writing to expand and blossom. That force is reminding me that despite not being able to define an absolute solution today, clarity comes from moving forward.

Today I am semi-resting as I work on wireframes and a site map for my new Love. Life. Om. website dedicated to bringing visitors the latest and most effective holistic self-care approaches to living beyond change and transforming one’s environment, body, mind, and spirit.

Living beyond change. That’s how I see healing and recovery today. I don’t even want to slap “healing” or “recovery” to anything I offer moving forward. Why? Because the first step we take toward recovery and healing is essentially toward a new way of being…a new approach to living. To say, “I am healing” or “I am recovering” implies one is fixing themselves and will stop whatever they’re doing to heal and recover once he/she is fixed. But what we do to heal and recover should not end. We aren’t fixing ourselves in recovery, because we were never broken. What we do in recovery is harness the strongest and brightest light within ourselves to overcome our deepest pain and suffering. Why would one give up being perpetually connected to the strongest and brightest parts of him/herself just because one thinks he/she is healed and recovered?

When we abandon the healthy habits we formed while “in recovery”, the chances of slipping back into old patterns of being, old patterns of thinking, and old patterns of dating and relationships greatly increases. The same way a diet “fails” once one returns to unhealthy eating habits, so too do traditional methods of therapy, healing, and recovery. Temporary steps result in temporary health. Permanent change results in transformation of body, mind, and spirit and the release of the desire to go back to old patterns of behavior.

It’s not about healing and recovery. Our experiences changed us. We must learn to live beyond the change.

Living beyond the change means transforming into a more aware, more joyful individual who continues practicing and mastering the habits and lifestyle choices that propelled one to health in the first place. What I propose and offer is a chance to change one’s entire lifestyle and energy starting from within the soul and working outward into relationships and surroundings.

Yes, there will be lots of yoga tips and even short video tutorials on my new site. There will be meditation tips and recordings to help cure insomnia and PTSD symptoms. In addition, the site will offer nutrition education and easy-to-integrate diet tips to drastically improve your health. I’ll also be offering weekly affirmations delivered directly to your inbox, because it’s hard to stay positive and motivated when change is afoot and everything feels like chaos.

The best part…the majority of what I’ll offer will be free! Of course, there will be costs associated with working with me privately as a health coach, yoga teacher, and meditation guide. Also, extended and personalized meditation recordings will be available for purchase. I’ll continue to market and sell my books, Escaping the Boy and Unashamed Voices, and transfer the best and most popular posts from my current blog to my new site.

It’s a new season. It’s a new beginning. It’s a rebirth.

I’m so excited to offer myself to each of you as you journey toward a lifestyle transformation of abundant health, wellness, and peace. I’ve learned from experience that I must be patient when creating and not release my work prematurely. So please be patient. My new website will be ready when it tells me it’s ready. 🙂

Namaste,
Paula Carrasquillo, MA
Yoga Teacher and Health Coach

Category:
Asanas/poses, Beginner Yoga, Fitness, Health, Health Coaching, Journaling, Love, Meditation, mindfulness, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Self-care, Spirituality, Therapuetic and Integrative Medicine, Writing, Yoga
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Join the conversation! 9 Comments

  1. Thank you Paula. =]

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  2. Just a warning ,this is going to be a long post because i need somebody to talk to about sociopathy. My family and all the people in my town and city (possibly the state) are sociopaths. At first I thought that this was cognitive dissonance but I noticed that eveyone around me mimics me. At first I thought it was cool but then I realized that 1. They’re copying me because they don’t have emotions themselves and 2. Them mimicing me is the first step of targeting me. I also read online that sociopaths gather in places with large populations.This confirmed what I thought because the city and state I live in has a large population. My plan is to go no contact with my family and move. However this will take a while. I live at home with my sociopathic parents,have no job, no money and no drivers license. I am also going through school and it will be at least two years before I get any kind of degree. For the most part Im fine but I feel robbed of not being able to talk to people with consciounses. Ive tried online chat rooms but am met with more of the same. I have yet to enter a romantic relationship with a sociopath like you have.I hope I never do ,but for now as far as the sociopaths are concerned, I’m asexual. My point is although for the most part im safe, being surrounded by these empty shells for human beings is exhausting and torturous. Im getting impatient.Do you have any advice or ideas on what I could do in the meantime? Or even better an alternative to my “escape plan”.

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    • Julie, I’m sorry you’re feeling so alone and isolated. My one and only recommendation for you considering your situation is to focus on building a foundation and relationship with yourself. Go within. Use the knowledge you’ve gained about yourself via the sociopath mirroring and establish a solid identity. Many who I connect with through this blog have noted similar…being surrounded on all sides by sociopaths and emotional vampire types. It’s not uncommon for a person with a deep sense of service and compassion for others to be stifled and sabotaged by the suffocating presence of many sociopath types at once. Therefore, it’s vital that you create a protective shield that guards you from that dark energy, that deflects the darkness back onto them instead of stealing and mirroring your light. Moving forward protecting your Self without being selfish. It’s very possible but requires you to be deeply grounded in your purpose and willing to stand your ground despite the consequences.

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  3. It happens to us all! We think we can continue on and on and on, but the body eventually brings us back to ‘earth’. Many of us have on-going situations/need to deal with kind of stuff that keeps us from ‘seeing/feeling’ what the body is saying. So, from the beginning here, I say, take it easy on yourself.

    I realized a long time ago that some things I was NEVER GOING to give up; coffee, wine and meat are just a few items. I understand detox, I do a lot of detoxing, but there are just some things I will not give up! I’m just not into suffering that much. I eat good food, most of the time, don’t worry when I don’t. I do detox treatments of various forms that I’ve come to feel comfortable about. I don’t worry that I didn’t get to do my yoga today or yesterday or all of last week, because of this, that and the other thing. I just realize that this is my life at this moment and I’ll get back to it tomorrow or next week. That being said…YES, we all have set backs, dread and anxieties, but we can and do bounce back.

    You said… ‘What a welcome relief after months of feeling stuck and unmotivated.’

    Yes, this is a biggie; letting go of something, a blog! I know I can’t do it! In fact I created a new one! I felt I had to! There are times when life demands you to do IT. Certainly, Paula, I don’t have the responsibilities that you have within your ‘online’ life and commitments. I find your courage to be awe-inspiriting but nothing that I myself would put into practice; thank you. Yes, I thought about how liberating it would be to hit that delete button and not deal with that narcissistic/sociopath …but it still is an on-going thing in my life, so I must deal with it.
    I don’t feel it as a ‘dark cloud interfering’ with my life journey…it’s just something I must deal with. I give myself ample time to get the healing energies from other activities.

    You said…The correct interpretation is, “Stop for now. Rejuvenate yourself. Devise a sustainable plan of action.” And this you must do! Living beyond change! I like your thoughts and ideas! And can’t wait for your new blog!

    Om shanti, shanti, shanti, Om

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    • Thank you, Gert. When I started the Yogini Transformed blog two years ago, that was the start of this transition. This shift. It’s as if I had to branch out in a completely different direction before I was able to see how the two topics (abuse/narcissists/sociopaths and yoga/meditation/mindful practices) could be integrated into one space. Today, the connection seems so obvious, but we rarely see what’s right before our eyes without first fumbling a few times. 🙂

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  4. Paula, I find it so interesting that we started our journeys about the same time and now we are at the same cross roads. I too have struggled with shutting the blog down; felt it was holding me back, and like I had said it all and I felt like a broken record repeating myself over and over again with every new victim of abuse who came across my blog.
    It does take up so much time, i really don’t know how you have done it, I don’t have a full time job and have struggled trying to reply to all the comments, emails and do up posts plus try to work on myself and monetize the blog so I can continue to invest the time necessary to keep it a useful resource.
    I am also opening a new blog that is focussed on the personal growth, not the narcissist; not the pain but the growth, the finding the best you, the healthy you, to find inner peace. As with your new blog, it will focus on the future, the bright healthy future and not the dark, toxic past.
    I never want to stop growing and learning and becoming a better person. I have never known inner peace like I have now and I want more and to share that with others.
    Good luck my friend!! It has been a hell of a journey that we each did our own way, along side each other and it looks like we made it to the light at about the same time. We have drifted apart at times, busy with our own projects and growth but you will always have a special place in my heart, I think the world of you, you are an amazing woman and I am honored to have worked alongside you from across the globe.
    Love to you my friend and all the best with your new projects and blog.
    Carrie

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    • Thank you, Carrie. It’s no coincidence that life seems to be occurring in tandem for us. I remember being unable to read your blog in the beginning because your story was hitting too close to home…having sons impacted by our exes and the associated guilt we carried. But it’s a new day!! I’m thrilled you’re moving in the same direction!! It’s going to be a different kind of party for us moving forward in the blogosphere. 🙂

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  5. Great Post Paula,

    stuck is not a good place to be but sometimes necessary before the new takes shape.

    ivonne

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