Three years ago, I began actively writing and purging myself of my story (which even I found hard to believe at times) on this blog. My healing journey has brought amazing new friendships and passions into my life, from becoming a yoga teacher and health coach to connecting with men and women across the United States to men and women in the UK, Canada, Australia and other continents. I wouldn’t wish changing anything about my story if it meant losing all of the knowledge and friendships I’ve gained in these few short years.

Today, I find myself at a major crossroads. The Universe has presented me with many, many options – all of which have the potential to fulfill my life. Unfortunately, I am finding it difficult to make a decision about where I best belong and how to get there.

I am connecting with more and more passionate advocates and light workers than ever before. There is so much work we can accomplish in partnership. And now is a pivotal time to speak out, because it seems those in power are listening.

I want to join forces with others and write another book, open a wellness center, facilitate community nutrition workshops, bring more yoga to those in need, host weekend retreats and create educational material we can distribute for free in different languages.

As the collective energy and vision of the awareness movement expands, my career opportunities are also expanding. I’m being called upon to teach more yoga classes (both at the salt cave and at corporate HQ) and to contribute more to my day job as a web content developer.

Although I seem to be juggling everything with relative ease, I’m not. There are never enough hours in the day to do everything I set out to do. Plus, I want to spend more time with my family. I want to spend more time taking care of myself. I also want to spend more time doing meaningful work.

But I understand explicitly how the real world works and doing meaningful work doesn’t exactly pay the mortgage, the insurance and the food tab. At least not immediately. Making a living doing meaningful work sadly seems outside of my grasp today, but that hasn’t stopped me from considering how to make the transition gradually over time.

I can’t just throw caution to the wind and quit my day job today to pursue my dream of creating a wellness center for survivors of abuse and trauma. I must be realistic. This doesn’t mean abandoning my dreams. It simply means slowing down, prioritizing my time and creating an action plan.

Three years ago, I would have been frustrated being faced with such uncertainty and being without immediate solutions and answers. Instead, I feel blessed today, because not knowing the solution or absolute outcome is okay. I’m surrounded by people who love, respect and honor me and who won’t judge me or attempt to sabotage my progress. My mistakes are my mistakes; my success is my success. No one is standing over me waiting to attack me or shame me or tell me my ideas will never work. Does it matter if they might not work? No, of course not. What matters is that I believe in my abilities to make my ideas work…eventually.

Here’s to you believing in your abilities and being okay with not having all of the answers before setting out on your transformational journey of healing and creation.

You are destined to heal. All you have to do is believe.

Paula Carrasquillo

Health, Journaling, Meditation, mindfulness, Recovery, Self Improvement, Self-care, Workshops, Writing, Yoga
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Join the conversation! 13 Comments

  1. The ole’ dilemma: When I have a job making $ I don’t have the time for what I love to do. When I’m unemployed and have no income, car, etc. I can’t do the things I love because I’m a brokea$$ at 53 years old…sigh. It seems cruel.


  2. Your words have helped me through the aftermath of my relationship with a narcissist. Some of the stories I have read made me wonder if they are from recent or concurrent victims of the same guy! He carried on simultaneous relationships with many women in different states and European countries, from unemployed women to music stars. Some of us eventually learned about each other. He drew us in by acting sad and unlucky. He always needed “help” with something, whether it was taxes he hadn’t paid in years, trying to get citizenship in a foreign country, issues with his computer or supposedly being hacked by angry exes. He did reveal his true nature, saying things like “Bad things happen to me because I’m a bad person.” Isn’t it funny how when someone says something like that, an empathetic person’s heart goes out to them and wants to prove they have good in them?

    I have been ashamed of my story but you have shown me that sharing brings clarity. It helps sort out the confusion and makes me feel like less of a fool for wanting to help someone and see the best in them. I guess I’m a normal human after all and he is the aberration 😉


    • Never feel ashamed, Wren. I’m very glad you realize you are a normal human with a high degree of empathy. Not a flaw or a super power. It’s just who you are and how you move through this world. Never apologize for acting on your true nature. 🙂


  3. Paula,

    The timing of this post is interesting because I have been meaning to blog about something you had mentioned to *Jay Walker* about me, last September.

    During your email exchange with JW, you told her you wished I would channel my energy towards my passion: Animal Rights. When I read that I felt compelled to defend myself (defend probably isn’t the right word, maybe explain?). Your comment didn’t strike a nerve but it did hit me at my center core. Since then, periodically while doing other activities that comment will re-emerge into the forefront of my brain and then an internal dialogue begins.

    Reading this post has brought that comment front and center, again.

    Nothing would bring me greater pleasure than to spend my days defending animals — not just domestic pets, ALL ANIMALS especially animals used for food and clothing.

    You know this.

    I know this.

    Nothing would bring me greater pleasure than to spend my days managing a farm sanctuary — something I know nothing about.

    Nothing would bring me greater pleasure than to go before Congress, like Gene Bauer, and ARGUE on behalf of animal rights.

    The sad reality is, I am entrenched. I have 2 mortgages (my home and my rental). I have bills. I have [fill in blank]. These obligations prevent me from pursuing my dream: to defend animals.

    I do what I can, but I know it’s not enough.

    Inside of me exists two women:

    1.) The defender of animal rights; and
    2.) The ballerina I always wish I was.

    Four years ago I became a vegan as part of my commitment to no longer contribute to the suffering of sentient beings. I am mindful of where my clothing comes from as well as how my makeup and beauty products were produced.

    Also, as you know, I blog about animal rights or re-blog from other animal rights advocates.

    I know this isn’t enough and I want to do more, but not only am I limited by my day job but I have to be careful because if I ever did anything that resulted in my getting arrested or drawing negative attention to myself, I would lose my job. That’s how strict the company I work for is.

    So with all this said: I FEEL YOU. I feel where you head is at because I have been there for quite some time. I mean do you really think my life’s dream(s) was to be a Senior Executive Secretary?

    NO way!

    I know it’s not over… and I haven’t give up, I just haven’t figured it all out yet. But I will get there. You will get there… when the Universe decides we are ready.


    p.s. I am unable to comment on your blog while logged into WP so I have to comment this way. :-/


    • Susan, I am sorry that my comment had that effect on you. I hope you know my only hope and wish for you is to be happy and successful. I wish we could all just quit our day jobs and work on the missions dear to our hearts and put the memories of the parasites behind us. One day…one day. 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Paula, I can relate so well to not being able to make the meaningful work earn me a living. So many opportunities to do the work I love but I have to also make enough money to live. I have never had such inner peace, the only thing now is to get financially stable.
    I so agree with your comment to Steve, once you get through to the other side there is joy like you have never known. I too, would not change a thing from the past because it brought me to this place of serenity and belief in myself.
    I also agree that now is the time to ramp up the efforts to eradicate DV, I feel we are on the brink of some significant changes being made and our voices being heard and taken seriously. I do believe that God has a plan and something will present itself to you when the times is right. Sometimes its hard to be patient but you do so much good work raising awareness and helping victims already. You have to make sure to keep time for yourself and family
    I will be forever grateful for the help you gave me.


  5. I will continue to keep you in my prayerPaula, speaking of life even though I haven’t spoken with the psycho female for a few months I have to admit I’ve never felt in all my years this lonely kind of depressed it’s like the spark is goneis that normal? And will I snap out of it


    • Steve, Yes. What you feel is normal. But be assured that you’ve not lost your spark. You’ve just lost the ignorance you once had about life and the people in it. Soon, you will feel a renewed sense of joy greater than you’ve ever felt in your life! I promise. 🙂


  6. It feels so good to let go. Congratulations on your success. Great


    • Thank you!!! It does feel good. 🙂


    • Yes Paula many thanks for sharing your courage & wisdom and bearing your soul! I live in a very small area in North Ca & I have struggled & had to deal with so much fall out & heartbreak because of my experience & anyway my work I thought was supportive of me but long story short they all think I am so emotional & need to let it go & move on & i was actually fired but then my supervisor talked my boss out of it long story condensed this is the second time this has happened (same time last year when I was very fragile!) & my work I thought was my safe place but everyone there is like everyone else they throw you under the bus proclaiming i was too emotional & distracted!&@ this is the same boss that became friends with my exes first affair person & she was invited to all of thr work functions & I was told some day you need to get over this & my response this time was Hell No!!! I am getting away from this unhealty & toxic enviroment so I resigned! Not out of anger but to feel comfortable &
      move on. If my job was comfortable & safe I would probably stay in Calif but feeling uncomfortable & uncertain has helped me grab ahold of my future by thr reins & go in the direction of what is going to feed my soul but also taking all of my experiences that did not prosper or that failed & creating a life that benefits others and creates a way for me to do what I love to do & make a living too! I am actually super excited because I know what lies ahead is much much better than what I leave behind! So always follow your heart & soul because they will always show you the way to go! Blessings & Love to you


    • I wish you great success and happiness on your journey, Anonymous! I was terminated from a job once for, as they put it, being “too emotionally unstable to handle customer service.” I was a customer service representative for an e-commerce company back in the mid-2000s. They sold online doctor, hospital and nursing home reports. Unfortunately, the reports were mostly boiler-plate information, and the ones that did have content were less than 50% accurate. I had senior citizens and folks with incomes call me and email me daily requesting refunds, because they did not get what was promised. I agreed with them and reported this to the company…for 8 months without the company doing anything to improve the product!! I started giving every customer refunds who asked for them. When they fired me and told me I was too emotionally unstable to handle customer service, I told them that I was too emotionally stable to handle their bullshit. We are allowed to be emotional when what we are being force-fed counters our morals and our inherent right to be respected. 🙂


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