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Sociopaths openly debase others in order to brainwash their new/current target into absolute and complete compliance.

The new/current target serves as the sociopath’s attentive audience. The new/current target listens with deep interest and awe as the sociopath talks about his disapproval and disgust of those from the sociopath’s past.

“She was so lazy.”

“She never cooked for me.”

“When she did cook, it was terrible.”

“He was so fat.”

“She pretended to work hard.”

“She was so fake. Her friends were fake too.”

“She only had that job because they didn’t know where else to put her in the company.”

“He was so arrogant and really thought he was something special.”

“She was so spoiled. Daddy was always bailing her out.”

“He just used me for my connections.”

“She gained so much weight and left the laundry unfolded for days in the basket.”

“She dressed like a slob.”

“She was so depressed and took pills and drank on top of that!”

“He was so worried about what others thought of him.”

“She stalked me! She’s crazy. She even wrote a book about a sociopath who seems to resemble me.”

“She was a horrible mother. Her family was a bunch of enablers.”

“If I had married her, I would have been miserable. She was just going to get fat and age like her mother.”

The new/current target takes detailed notes and vows never to allow herself to do or be those things for fear of losing the approval of the sociopath.

Being perfect. That’s what the victim makes her goal and purpose in life. To remain the “chosen” one who will never let the sociopath down and who will never be the subject of the sociopath’s diatribes against those who have disappointed him in his past.

Unbeknownst to the victim, all this complaining and criticism of others is part of her grooming and has nothing to do with who those people the sociopath is talking about really are and everything to do with elevating the new/current victim into a higher degree of compliance.

The harder and more vigilant the new/current victim works to maintain that unattainable and false sense of perfection, the weaker and more susceptible to emotional, mental, physical and spiritual injury she will become.

It’s sad and ironic how each victim/survivor is guilty of desperately trying to be perfect for the sociopath, only to lose themselves and became the polar opposite of perfection.

We broke down like an over-used washing machine and found ourselves empty and powerless. That’s what happens when we chase after perfectionism just to hold onto the approval of someone who isn’t worthy of our approval in the first place.

Release the emotional leverage the sociopath has over you. Let go of needing or wanting the sociopath’s approval or friendship or hoping the sociopath will one day appreciate you as a human being. It will never happen.

You’re dead to the sociopath, so why not make the sociopath “dead” to you?

~Paula Carrasquillo

Category:
abuse, Addiction, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, Family, Mental Health, mindfulness, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, NPD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychopaths, PTSD, Rape, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Sociopaths, Spirituality
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Join the conversation! 30 Comments

  1. You know my mother! Glad someone else recognises the real face.
    Best revenge is to live well, and I do! (With the occasional relapse of course – my condition will always be chronic – once they’ve infected you it never quite heals completely)
    Meta
    Kit

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  2. Thank you, Paula!
    The ‘perfection’ point, in particular, rang true for me. This clears so much up. Thank you again. -Dana

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  3. Reblogged this on Blog Of A Mad Black Woman and commented:
    “Unbeknownst to the victim, all this complaining and criticism of others is part of her grooming and has nothing to do with who those people the sociopath is talking about really are and everything to do with elevating the new/current victim into a higher degree of compliance.” ~ Love-Life-OM

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  4. Awesome posting, Paula! I especially liked the one, “She even wrote a book about a sociopath who seems to resemble me.” Perfect.

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  5. It’s that old saying “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” or “no matter what I do, I can’t do anything well enough to please you.” If you’ve ever had to say one if those, you might be dealing with a sociopath! 🙂

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  6. Reblogged this on Madeline Scribes and commented:
    This goes for all of them. Sociopaths in your life can be friends, colleagues, bosses or inlaws.

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  7. […] posting Sociopaths, Approval and Victim Perfectionism yesterday, I thought I’d share how I discovered the root cause of my perfectionism, which I […]

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  8. Paula’s pontifications, love fraud, Paula’s pontifications, love fraud, Paula’s pontification love fraud, Paula’s pontification! Keep reading and following this and you will become alive!

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  9. by the way, everything terrible and how they slander you and their ex’s and people in their life is really what they are! So true

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  10. Paula, another nail on the head!! You are unbelievable thank you

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  11. Reblogged this on Marilyn Munrow and commented:
    Wow fabulous sugar, This is spot on, the only thing i would say is that the normal person does not act like a sociopath. The sociopath will not leave others alone, they think it is their right to defame and harass othes.

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  12. Paula, I really needed this today, as I have been beating myself up for falling into old patterns yesterday (not related to a socio – he’s been out of the picture for a long time). This has helped me to realise that despite outwardly appearing a bit of a rebel, I have been trying to get approval by perfection throughout my entire life – no wonder I was ripe for sociopathic picking! Glad for the guidance on the next thing to work on…. xx

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  13. All hail the blogger who wrote this because it is absolutely spot on.

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  14. These articles are wonderful and so healing. The hardest part is the flood of self-doubt that hits you as you watch them debase you and secure agreement with their new target about how bad of a person you are and how pathetic they think you are. Being and feeling humiliated should be reserved for times you know you have done something wrong and you feel bad. You should not suffer humiliation because someone uses that shame as a weapon to demean you because you stood up for yourself against their mistreatment. You start to wonder if you missed something? could you have worked on something that would have kept their interest? did you overestimate your sense of worth; too old, too big, too small, not pretty enough, not appealing enough, not demure enough, not successful enough, all while the sociopath barely changes their socks but points out the spot you missed while shaving. My ex-human told me, when I invited him to my place I thought was pretty nice and live comfortably in, had a “funny smell” when he first walked in. I thought, maybe I missed a spot when I cleaned up? I looked around and walked in and out of the door a few times looking for a smell maybe that went over my head. Meanwhile, imagine the look on my paralyzed face when I went to his place and found he was renting a room from a family member with a bunch of kids, that was in one of the worst areas of the city and was a complete disaster. Even the rats walked by and shook their head in disbelief and looked at me like “good luck…”. It was like that old Twilight Zone episode where the woman came out of surgery and they unwrapped a surgical mask revealing a beautiful face and they stood around glaring at her with hideous faces as if she was the issue. They’re phenomenal at debasing they’re discards because they sell their snake oil delusions to the person who bites the bait and move in you like predators after assessing your weaknesses with no intention ever on seeing the best of you. My “sociowrath” bragged about all this money he made in the past like he was some sort of King Midas of success and master of seizing and striking golden opportunities, when really, I found out he made money from fraudulent slip and fall rings/schemes against businesses, spent it all, had nothing to show for it, then preached “…money is the root of all evil…” like he was this 180 degree enlightened individual. ironically he was evil with or without money. I almost fell out on the floor from laughter. All I could do was picture him blazing through stores like a runaway raccoon pretending to fall, groan, and be in pain with one eye closed but the other open to monitor the responses from people witnessing this charade to extort insurance money. But I needed to improve myself according to him. I had an Aha moment and thought, I let a con-man that made money like a sewer rat pretending to perform a slip and fall like he was up for an Emmy make me feel like less than a person? Here I was trying to be “perfect”, running around trying to improve what I thought I lacked and thinking that if fixed certain things about myself I won’t lose the next person I meet like I lost him. In reality these were planted insecurities I did not have before being slimed by him. He continues I’m sure to smugly dumpster dive in get rich schemes. For anyone who is in the dark crutches of just cutting ties, just know, they want you to believe that are sooo much grander than they really are. They are probably right now on the phone blabbing the same delusion they sold you to some poor unsuspecting target that has bit the bait on their pity serenade. They’re external lives and environment are in just as bad condition as the horrible tiny hearts that keep them alive. If perfect is what they want then we should all be imperfect to not have to go through this again!

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    • Thank you, AtPeace. You are spot on in your reflection. I strive today to be honest and compassionate in all situations. This experience awakened me to many, many areas I needed to assess about myself, the least of which was my own delusions of being perfect. 🙂

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  15. So true and used the opposite way too. I was constantly told about all the things his ” friends” did for him (all female). How someone from his past spoiled him. How others were more sexually experimental. They will triangulate you with people you’ll never meet. They will spend time with these people without you and return with stories of fun times. They will run to those people whenever they call dropping you like a hot rock. You don’t even notice that you are modifying your behavior based on these tales but you do to try to get back on that pedestal. You think, I could be more fun, I can cook, etc., etc., until as we say you don’t recognize yourself. I think making peace with how you jumped through hoops not realizing it was all for not is one of the hard parts of recovery. It’s what makes you shiver when you read someone else’s story. It’s why we don’t judge and never ask how could someone put up with that. We’ve all done it.

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  16. Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
    I know of a few people on this blog that need this post from Paula

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  17. This is so true!

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  18. Reblogged this on galesmind and commented:
    Got the nail on the head with this one. Wow!

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