mask

First thing this morning, I received my weekly newsletter from Donna over at LoveFraud.com. I skimmed the headlines and read the first article listed which succinctly explains that love equals supply for a sociopath. I agreed with the article and moved on with my day.

A few hours passed, and I received a text from a reader and friend (whom I got to meet this past weekend in NYC!). She wanted to know how I was able to find a way to accept all of the sociopath’s lies and manipulations and move forward. The previously mentioned LoveFraud.com article immediately came to mind.

I explained to my friend that I don’t accept the lies or abuse or the shame. However, I do accept that he, the sociopath, needed to lie, abuse and shame me because he was/is too weak to fulfill his own needs and needed me as his supply.

(I don’t think I have ever used the word “need” so many times in a single sentence. Hehe!)

To be his supply, mirroring me and my values and interests was absolutely necessary. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have looked past what I falsely perceived to be his “minor” flaws and stuck around dealing with his shitty character for so long. Instead, because he made it appear like he was so much like me, I subconsciously saw myself in him and used patience to deal with his outbursts, rages, and insults.

(Despite such behavior, he had to be a good person underneath, right?)

The mirroring, which he did/does so well, had me looking past his racism, lack of education, elitism, ugliness, and lack of compassion. All of the good he seemed to have was stolen from those around him (me and a small handful of folks he used as friends). These stolen values allowed him to fit in and be accepted despite all of those flaws that would have been glaring red flags had he not swiped our strongest character traits and worn them as his mask.

These people, sociopaths, can’t survive on their own. They need us; we do not need them. They find us and prey on us when we are at a temporary place of vulnerability. We could have just lost a parent or spouse. We may have lost a job or found ourselves financially burdened due to something unexpected happening to us. Whatever the case, we were weak and in need of support. We were at a place of dependency.

These people, sociopaths, sniff out dependency, get their hooks in us and refuse to let go until we’ve been depleted of all usefulness. And we all eventually become depleted of value, because sociopaths only understand how to take, take, take. They have nothing, absolutely NOTHING, to give to us of value in return.

(Money is not value, by the way. Money does not feed the soul or elevate us to a place of higher consciousness. If you are with someone who seems to be supportive because of their financial support, this financial support is actually a way to make you weaker and more financially dependent upon the sociopath, which makes walking away from the toxic relationship even harder, which prolongs your exposure to the abuse, which causes even greater loss of self and spirit, which makes healing and recovery in the aftermath harder to attain.)

At one point inside the relationship, I wanted to die. I wished to die. I could not take the sight of what was being revealed to me. I couldn’t accept that the person I left my husband and family for was really just a leach and a fraud. I was disgusted with myself for choosing such a grotesque person over the wonderful people he had stolen from me. Death seemed like a better option than leaving this person, and the thought of wading through the shame and humiliation of my flawed choice of life partner scared me.

Somehow I made it through that cesspool. I use my experience as a message, as a gift. It happened to me. I was awakened to it, to the existence of people who feign love, concern and devotion for personal gain, money, and status. Many are not so lucky. Many never escape and become awakened. Many spend their entire lives trying to please and serve people like this who do not deserve their love, adoration, precious time, or energy and resources.

(I send those people metta/peace daily in my meditations and visions. What more can be done?)

Luckily, regardless of how long it takes to escape, everything that was stolen from us–our self-worth, self-love, self-identity, self-devotion, self-confidence–can be rebuilt and replenished. It may take longer for some of us to rebuild our financial security and/or regain relationships with family, friends and even our children, but it can be rebuilt once we discover our inner peace, freedom, and hope.

Every survivor is destined to heal, prosper, and thrive in this life. Begin today by taking inventory of your worth and encouraging another survivor to take inventory of his/hers. We truly are stronger together than divided.

Namaste!
Paula Carrasquillo, author of Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath

Category:
abuse, Cluster B disorders, domestic violence, Emotional Abuse, mindfulness, Narcissist, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Sociopath, Psychopaths, PTSD, Recovery, Relationships, Self Improvement, Self-care, Sociopaths
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Join the conversation! 15 Comments

  1. I am so glad I found your site. It has really opened my eyes. I am still reeling from the emotional rollercoaster ride through hell. Lost a lot….my husband….my self respect…some family…but maybe now I am on the path of healing…. NO contact!!!! My new motto.

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    • I’m glad you found the site, too, Not Me. You’re not alone and there are many of us here open to sharing and connecting through these pages. 🙂

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  2. I was with a sociopath who took me away from my family and friends, made me feel worthless and that I couldn’t cope without him. I have been away from him for three years and as each year goes by I feel stronger and stronger, but as we have a daughter together I still have to deal with all his crap. He calls when he feels like it and will see her when it suits him, regardless of what the parenting order says. Life would be so much simpler if I didn’t have to have anything to do with him again. His new girlfriend weighs in and calls me all kinds of nasty names and makes up lies that she is pregnant or that they have bought a house, all said just to try and wind me up and get a reaction out of me. It is hard not to bite back sometimes, it doesn’t always make you feel strong, turning the other cheek.

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  3. 11 months no contact from him I struggled understanding how he could just act like I didn’t exist! After the research and all the reading I had done I had accepted that he was one of those sociopaths that just keeps looking forward that he would never try to contact me. Then this past Friday he drove right in front of my bussiness so slow,like he wanted to be seen! My first feeling was fear,my second feeling was (I’m going to sound a little nuts here) a little relieved to know that he was thinking of me and curious.my rational mind knows what he is and believe me that is difficult to write knowing all he has done! There can never be contact with this person and hope that that is all it was!

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    • You are not nuts for having those feelings. They are valid and feelings we have all felt. It’s our ego stepping in and feeding our self-doubt and need for validation and approval. We think we need that to feel like we are desirable and wanted and on the mind of people, even people who we know are bad for us. The tougher alternative to accept is that we do not matter beyond what we have to offer from a place of materialism to these people. But it’s very important to recognize first, as you do, that he is not a healthy choice for you. The real reason he drove by was to stalk you and hope you aren’t doing well or to see if you are doing well and jump on your train again. They NEED us; we do not need them. They have zero identity without the existence of a highly empathic and conscience-filled individual by their side sucking the life out of.

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  4. I am so sorry to hear this person drew you away from your family. I 100% believe that there is a special delight to them in spotting and targeting people who have a stable platform(loving family, stable career, etc…) and going above and beyond to “see” if they can puppeteer a person into leaving it all for them. It’s a sick power rush.

    I say this because for years I was haunted (out of guilt and vulnerability) by the thought of an individual I knew from the past, having the ability to come into my life, and the snap of a finger, I in response drop it all for him. I refused to marry or love someone else for years as I was ALWAYS afraid this individual would have the “power” to make me leave the person I may have been with. He knew I had a “weakness” for him. So I stayed out of serious relationships as I would never want to hurt a person by leaving them after committing for him which I was always afraid I would do if he came back. I naively “thought” it was because he truly was the love of my life and that he had genuine love for me as well, but instead, now that I’m more keen on these types, I realize he was a fraud. It’s like reality goes upside down. I unfortunately ran into him again the mask was tattered, fell off his face, and he showed me horribly who he really was. I’ve never felt so terrible about caring so much for another human being that treated me worse than trash. I know now. He has always known. That he could manipulate me into coming back to him not because he truly cared for me, but because, it would be a rush for him to see a person choose to give up a happy stable life for him. When I called him on it his true self he showed me the real him and treated me worse than any monster. I’ve ever known. People who act like monsters show you their monstrosity and who they are, because they can’t help it, real monsters know real hurt comes only from people you care for the most and they make sure you care for them deeply so that they can destroy you. I almost died emotionally and went cold from devastation.

    I hope you can forgive yourself as I have and I am happy that this medium is a available to speak on individuals that have been wrecking lives since the beginning of time.

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    • Thank you, Atpeace. I am so sorry that you experienced the debilitating devastation that only those of us who have experience these monsters can truly comprehend and understand. 🙂

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  5. I am so sorry to hear this person drew you away from your family. I 100% believe that there is a special delight to them in spotting and targeting people who have a stable platform(loving family, stable career, etc…) and going above and beyond to “see” if they can puppeteer a person into leaving if for them. It’s a sick power rush. I say this because for years I was haunted (out of guilt and vulnerability) by the thought of an individual I knew being able to come into my life and me dropping it all for him. I refused to marry or love someone else as I was ALWAYS afraid this individual would have the “power” to make me leave the person I may have been with. So I stayed out of serious relationships as I would never want to hurt a person by leaving them for him which I was always afraid I would do if he came back. I naively “thought” it was because he truly was the l

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  6. Hi Paula! It has been awhile since I have checked in, but once again even after being ddivorced for over a year my ex N is rearing his ugly head!! My story of finding my N & his lover in our home 5 yrs ago threw me into the horrifying world of an exposed Narc, and I being the loving loyal wife hung on for 5 yrs trying to make sense out of someone who makes no sense at all. Also during this time he created a “friendship with a mutual ” female” who the moment we were divorced & I had to move out of our home he move his new BFF into our home, of course reinforcing my doubts that the were “bumping uglies” the last 3 yrs of marriage, OK so now I am divorced, but the financial & retirement information was incorrect, GASP! Can you imagine a narc lying? Well anyway I txt the idiot and said sign the papers called him a few choice names & his new little ho too. and then guess what he does, he sends a letter to me & cc a copy to my lawyer calling me the most horrible things, a deranged tattooed circus clown, pretending to be a victim when I am the Bully, that I take & steal & harass him (oh and he cut & pasted an email with a current date that was w3ritten when I was truly loosing my mind) and attached it to the email to myself & lawyer, stating he had to change his # because of my constant abusive texts, Now I know that it is all projection, but it hurts me still so badly, even though now I have so much more positive things happening in my life, I was just wrecked by the name calling, and then thinking of his new ho cooking in my kitchen, my gardens, I think of & hear of couples celebrating their 20th anniversary & although happy for them I know that I won’t ever have that experience, and how he just goes on with his life as if I never mattered & that is what hurts the most is that I did not ever matter. I try to be positive & I am grateful for my life, but Oh boy there are times when I wish I could press a delete button and delete him off the planet! Whew I am feeing better & thank you for letting me rant! Life is Good & I have to remember that Life always has something and or someone that will bring me more happiness than I ever thought could exist! Blessings & Love!

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  7. Ones of the hardest things to accept was that I gave this person the benefit of the doubt! In the end when I found out what he really was turned my stomach and I kept looking for anything that was good about him. Because I ignored the red flags I could of seriously hurt myself. The hookers and strippers that I found out about I could have been exposed to so many diseases. At the same he walked away with no consequences I was just one more woman he had conned,that and one of many has been hard to live with!

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    • I am so sorry, Antoinetted, but you are aware now and that awareness will protect you in the future. Being one of many is hard on the ego, but I learned to let that go and be thankful that I did not suffer more harm than I suffered. I am free today and value that freedom because I know what it’s truly like to be imprisoned.

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  8. I’m just at the start of my journey from ridding myself of my sociopath, and I’m struggling. I gave up everything for him, my friends, my husband and my whole life, we had a 14 year relationship which had him bouncing between myself and his wife, who became his ex, then not his ex, and every time she became his wife again I was thrown under a bus big time. The last time this happened to me was 3 weeks ago, his lies and deception went right on until the end, and he even lied in front of her about me, made me out to be a raving lunatic, again !!!!

    I had an ephiphany this time though, due to searching for answers for his behaviour online, I saw what I wished I’d seen 14 years ago, that way I would never have invested so much in him. And it’s harder then ever because we work together so I have no choice but to see him every day, although his silent treatment is actually helping me this time.

    Its sad because his wife has no idea what he is, she just accepts him, and hopes he’ll follow through on his false promises, which I know he won’t, he can’t because he has no idea how to be by himself or how to be himself, he’s a leech. And the financial aspect mentioned above really hit home as the amount of money he was giving his wife for support was a rediculous amount, over a 1/3 of his salary, which he said he felt he needed to give her to keep her and the kids in their lifestyle, but really it was another way of keeping her hooked in, I see it now.

    So much of this post resinates with me and I’d just like to say thank you, it’s giving me the strenght to keep my head in reality and not get swayed on the honeymoon periods of the relationship which is what always drew me back to him, not this time though no way.

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    • Lollypop, I’m sorry you and his wife have suffered as a result of this man’s lack of humanity and conscience. But now you know. Now you see. Now you have a choice, whereas before your awareness and understanding, you did not see the choices before you. Thinking of you and sending you strength and peace.

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  9. as always Paula, an excellent post!
    I saw a new movie today and was shocked to ‘see’ the sociopath, in the extreme, in a character. I saw and heard my sociopath, (sister) and could see her doing these things as a matter of course. And there are times when desperation makes people do and say more than they would ordinarily do/see?? I don’t know…

    Movies have come a long and different way from ‘Meeting Mr Goodbar’ and ‘Basic Instinct’. I was taken aback by the intensity and graphic details. The story was excellent and well acted. My recommendation to any one who may have ‘triggers’ be cautious of this movie….Gone Girl.

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    • I like to make a correction in my last comment…
      At the time I wrote, I did not recall the other movie in which Michael Douglas played…it was Fatal Attraction, which is more in keeping with the movie Gone Girl.

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